Any feedback on this one?  Good or bad?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Quoted from Seth S P O I L E R Great story! Picking up where I left off... Although I commented that the scene in which Darcy, Casey and Leanne hit the road is a tad slow, I have to say, this story, with few exceptions, MOVES -- twisting and turning, leaving the reader to guess what is happening and, more importantly, who is making it happen. Each act is well constructed. The final act, though, was a little confusing. I say this because I found myself scrolling back, making sure I hadn't missed anything -- the scenes were shorter, the cuts quicker -- the pace picked up (as, I think, it should in the third act). In the end, it all came together quite nicely. Really, I've only two complaints (1) On page 111 you ask, "Who is this mystery woman? Darcy?" This aside simply wasn't necessary. The story itself does an excellent job of presenting questions. That said, the scene itself, with a woman's hand hanging up a phone is, especially considering the previous scene, enough to prompt the reader to consider the possibility. And (2) I question how Michael, having already been stabbed twice and shot in the head (self-inflicted), could have the necessary strength to engage in one last stand against  Desantis -- especially considering the time that it would've taken Desantis to travel back and forth from the motel. Other than that, I have to again say, you've got one hell of story. I'm not surprised it's going into production. I hope it does well. Seth

Seth,

Thank you very much.  Not a whole lot of people have read the most recent draft of this thing and I wanted some much needed feedback on where we stand.  Your notes sounded reassuring.  We've had a bit of trouble raising the funds for this one (35mm), and we're on the verge of completing the budget, depending on the decision of one man, currently reviewing the script.  

I think this investor had a problem with the ransom drop off scene and the stand-off between DeSantis and The Cowboy.  He thought this was a giveaway about DeSantis' involvement.  I'm not sure I agree.  What do you think?  

We had a couple big names interested some time back, including Amy Smart and a cameo by Dee Wallace Stone.  Amy stepped out early on and Dee just recently got Rob Zombie's Halloween, so I'm not sure if she'll be doing the Alicia Newman part or not.  What do you think about Jamie Lee Curtis coming in and doing these scenes with Oz Perkins?  Kind of like a weird "Psycho" reunion?  The son of Tony Perkins and daughter of Janet Leigh.

We still don't have Henry Gold either.  What do you suggest?  I was thinking somebody old school like Bruce Boxleitner or Patrick Swayze.  Somebody like that.                  

Anyway, thanks so much and let me know if I can review a script of yours.

PS

Michael never shot himself.  He was faking, and used the single bullet in the chamber to shoot DeSantis.  Get it?  

Take care,
Eric Dickson

Just started this one, and it's pretty good so far.  Your writing style is pretty good.
It doesn't distract me while I read.

On page 10, the second action sequence tells me what the dialogue is all ready telling me.  And this happens in the third sequence as well.

Same page, I get a little Eddie Murphy -- Beverly Hills Cop feel.

Story question: what's the relationship between Desantis (cool name) and the Sheriff?  

On page 13, I get "Profiler" vibes from the scene.

Story question: what's the big deal of the event going public?  I am not clear about this now.  I understand with the Sheriff's conversation, but I don't get it in the hotel interrogation.

The scene heading and action broke the flow.  The "hello?" just hangs out there.  Maybe cut that scene?

Story question: how many characters are in this movie?  I'm on page 16, and I'm starting to forget who is who.

The script is starting to lose it momentum from page 16 through 28 so far.  But you had a pretty good start that I continued through it.

On page 26, the dialogue drags.  Starts to pick up again on page 29.

A lot of the characters are hitting the drinks pretty hard.  Is this your intention?  There are also two redundant scenes.  We have the scene where she gets the acting job back.  And then, we have another scene, where her friends discuss this.  Do you need both?

On page 34, ski mask and cowboy hat; I struggle with that one. It kinda breaks the mood that you are establishing.

Same page, Darcy has some super vision picking up all those details being on a highway.  Maybe a back road or just a road to the highway?  And they go back?  I think this works pre-Scream.  I struggle with it now.

The scene, where they stop is cool.  The reason they stop I have problems with.

Page 39 scene reminds me of the end of Saw.

Page 40-44 is almost an interrogation of the Sheriff.  Why would the sheriff put up with this kind of questioning?  And the questions are rapid.  Wouldn't this impact the two's relationship in the story?  Could you do a series of shots with a voice over to do the same thing?  There should be other options as well to provide this information.

Page 45-48 move the story at a pretty rapid rate.  Is this intentional?

Desantis and Darcy?  Maybe more build up on this relationship earlier.

page 55: And the return of Cowboy Jason on a dirt bike -- please re-work this.  This is where your screenplay starts to remind me of Jeepers Creepers -- a pretty good story with some poorly executed parts that turned serious scenes into funny scenes.

I should be engaged after seeing the picture, but all I can imagine is Cowboy Jason riding off on his dirt bike.  This is a big distraction.

Does she have to SCREAM out in horror?  This might look good on paper, but it can become pretty melodramatic quick.  This is when a good story starts to degrade into a B horror movie.

$500k from a guy living in a small town?  Is that why his last name is GOLD?  Then, we learn that he doesn't have it.  This story is starting to break down now.

The good stuff is that the dialogue from the kidnapper is pretty damn good.

Now, all of a sudden let's go public with this, so now the main characters look foolish.  Let's go public was discussed twice before.  How many times do we have to go through this conversation?

Would Desantis use the word twisted?  Kinda seems out of character.

page 61-62 how many listens directions do you need?

Should the relationship between Desantis and the Sheriff be stronger?  I am thinking of Lethal Weapon and Die Hard.

page 68 - Have you ever fired a .50 caliber gun?  Please go to the range and shoot one.  You can rent one.  Those guns kick extremely hard and are inaccurate.  And you have a laser site on the thing.  Come on.  

page 69 - Where does the flashlight come from?

Jeez, Desantis has to be talked into staying?

Silver Briefcase -- starting to remind me of Reservoir Dogs

page 77 - typo: stands or hovers?

page 80 - more family screaming?

page 82 - this is really coming out left field.  

page 87 -- huh?  Is this a flashback? looks like some scene duplication.  Please check it out.  I'm kinda lost now.

page 93 -- back to present day?  I thought she was dead.

page 95 - Darcy won't shut up.  Is this monologue needed?

page 99 - the boyfriend and Desantis.  That's it?

page 111 - shatter a shower door?  Is this possible?

page 114 - handguns don't have clips; they have magazines

Well, I actually finished it.  Your writing style is pretty good.  I think all most all the problems I found
with it are story problems.  And it's a pretty predictable storyline.  My biggest suggestion is to improve the build up.   It felt like every time I am going to like Desantis, you provide me information to not like his character.  The twist would work better if I am more invested into his character.  Make me like this guy.  I suggest looking at L.A. Confidential for some ideas.

Now, you paint out Darcy as being an un-faithful girlfriend.  I think this hurts the storyline.  If the relationship between Desantis and Darcy is perceived as being tight, I think the story would work better.

Let me think about it some more.

tweak

Darcy has a checkered past of "running away" in her childhood, growing up in a rocky household.  Remember the conversation between the Sheriff and DeSantis about Darcy going missing as a teenager, only to show up back at home a few weeks later.  Her wanting to stop and get in the backseat of a strange car, then speeding off down the highway seems a bit suspicious to DeSantis and those who know her the best.  It was her idea to leave LA on vacation and it was her idea to stop and check on the man in the car.  

This is all a bit strange and DeSantis convinces the girls it's best to handle the investigation themselves.  She is a known actress.  Any bad publicity might ruin her at this early stage in her career.  He convinces them that a media circus in the town will simply scare the killer into hurting Darcy and cutting his losses.  Think about it.  What would you do if you were the killer and reporters are flooding the town, beating down doors and investigating?  You'd kill the girl and run.    

Remember also, this is an insurance scam.  Not calling the authorities seems absolutely foolish, but to a small town Sheriff, DeSantis knew he would be too proud and pigheaded to let the Feds come in and take over.  It's the perfect set-up for a fake ransom drop.  He can easily steal the money.  He convinced everyone that outside involvement would put Darcy at risk, hence, the phone call where the killer claims any outside police will force him to kill Darcy and leave town.  

If the Feds or state police come in, there goes their plans to steal the money.  Everything in this script is for a specific reason and doesn't feel quite right at times, but is DeSantis' doing.  He sets everything up, no matter how silly it might seem at the time.  Get it?    

I get it.  But I still struggle with the way the pieces come together.  The IA scene about 3/4's of the way through gives away so much information all at once.

I do have some simple questions for you:

1) am I supposed to like Desantis?

2) who is the good guy/gal in this story?  Let's say we have an anti-hero, I still like Ocean from Ocean's 11.    
    He's the "bad" guy who is written as a good guy in the story.

3) what's the theme or synopsis of this screenplay?

I am still struggling with it.  And honestly, you're one of the better writers on this board.  The scenes flow well.  The action scenes work.  The only struggle I have is with how those scenes interact with one another.

tweak