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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Reviews    Script Reviews  ›  My Blacklist Evaluation Moderators: bert
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  Author    My Blacklist Evaluation  (currently 5730 views)
Equinox
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure if this is the right section for this, but I just received my evaluation from the Blacklist (blcklst.com).

I read a lot of good stuff and a lot of bad stuff about blcklst and wanted to check it out myself.

Long story short, I got a really good feedback, my tv pilot 'Project Endolon' got a 7/10 overall and the strengths as well as the weaknesses are on the spot, The notes under 'weaknesses' are helpful and match similiar feedback I got from several competitions.

So far I'd say the coverage alone was worth the money. I've got my new pilot 'Seekers' hosted there too, but the evaluation didn't come back yet.

You can find my script as well as the evaluation and coverage from their reader here:
Project Endolon @ The Blacklist


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eldave1
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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I guess you have to be a Blacklist member to read this -


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Equinox
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
I guess you have to be a Blacklist member to read this -


You mean the script or the reader's feedback or both?

I think the script is set to 'by request', I think I saw I can change that somewhere.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Thorsten, gl with the pilot!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Equinox
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Anthony,

I don't know where to go with it from there though, but it's still a bit encouraging at least


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Dustin
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Good luck with it, mate. Hopefully your hard work (and monies spent) pays off soon.
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Equinox
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Good luck with it, mate. Hopefully your hard work (and monies spent) pays off soon.


I'm never sure if you are being sarcasting or serious, but thank you anyways.


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Dustin
Posted: October 20th, 2015, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox


I'm never sure if you are being sarcasting or serious, but thank you anyways.


Not sure how my comment could be construed as sarcastic... perhaps it was the (monies spent) bit. However, I was being genuine. You've put in a lot of hard work, and from your post it seems that you have also thrown a fair chunk of cash at this script already. I also think you're a decent guy. I hope something comes of it.

Good luck.
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Equinox
Posted: October 20th, 2015, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

Yeah I figured people tend disapprove spending money for contests or feedback, so I wasn't sure if your comment was heading in that direction.

Thanks for clarifying.


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Equinox
Posted: October 20th, 2015, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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I just checked back and saw my script made it to the monthly top list, #15 in TOP UPLOADED SERIALIZED HOUR LONG PILOTS category, got 3 views since the evaluation came in yesterday.


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IamGlenn
Posted: October 20th, 2015, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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Sounds good, man. Best of luck.


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Equinox
Posted: October 20th, 2015, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you too. The interest or number of downloads hasn't really kicked off yet, though. I guess tv pilots is not something many people are looking out for.


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Equinox
Posted: October 21st, 2015, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Just got back the evaluation for 'Seekers'. It's a 6/10 but compared to the other one, which took the reader over a week from 'Reading in Progress' to write the evaluation, this one was read and evaluated in a single day.

I think the reader read it completely, but I'm not sure if he/she got the point of it.

The pilot involves people travelling back in time in order to investigate historical events (and the hidden truth behind them). In the pilot, it's the JFK murder they're visiting. How the reader came to the conclusion, this is a derivation of the X-Files keeps me puzzled. Then another key 'rule' in the series is, they are able to travel back in time, but they can't change it, they are only 'observers' or 'time detectives' if you want. The reader points this out as a weakness, saying time travel makes no sense if they can't change anything. Feels a bit like saying cops hunting a killer doesn't make sense if they don't arrest him in the end.

I think the coverage is a solid effort, and a 6 isn't that bad, but it reads a bit biased in my opinion.

Can be found here:
Seekers @ The Blacklist


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IamGlenn
Posted: October 21st, 2015, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox
Just got back the evaluation for 'Seekers'. It's a 6/10 but compared to the other one, which took the reader over a week from 'Reading in Progress' to write the evaluation, this one was read and evaluated in a single day.

I think the reader read it completely, but I'm not sure if he/she got the point of it.

The pilot involves people travelling back in time in order to investigate historical events (and the hidden truth behind them). In the pilot, it's the JFK murder they're visiting. How the reader came to the conclusion, this is a derivation of the X-Files keeps me puzzled. Then another key 'rule' in the series is, they are able to travel back in time, but they can't change it, they are only 'observers' or 'time detectives' if you want. The reader points this out as a weakness, saying time travel makes no sense if they can't change anything. Feels a bit like saying cops hunting a killer doesn't make sense if they don't arrest him in the end.

I think the coverage is a solid effort, and a 6 isn't that bad, but it reads a bit biased in my opinion.

Can be found here:
Seekers @ The Blacklist


Looks like you need to be a member to view the link.


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Equinox
Posted: October 21st, 2015, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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I'll just post them here then:

Project Endolon review:

Era:
Present Day, Near Future

Locations:
Alabama, Switzerland

Genre:
Action & Adventure, Sci-Fi & Fantasy

Logline:
When traveling from the future, a time-traveler accidentally causes a miniature black hole to form in the present, but as scientists try to deal with the problem, the time traveler tries to regain his memory.

Strengths:
The numerous strengths in this piece are its wonderful premise, its strong and active protagonist, and its ability to ground science in reality. Right off the bat, Derek is a brave and forward thinking protagonist. He's willing to take the suit himself, despite his physical limitations, and head through the wormhole. When the General tells him to go with God, Derek's remark "I'm sure he has more pleasant things to do" both tells the audience that Derek is a man of science who doesn't believe in God and that he's a bit sarcastic and funny. These characteristics make him smart and likable. The antigravity suit is super futuristic and cool; stuff like this will bring the "wow" factor to the show. The Act-Outs are all incredibly strong. Derek heading through the worm hole, Derek passing out just as Dr. Emma arrives, and the FBI agents finding the 2059 tag are all page-turners. Derek's dream sets up a whole portion of the story that this reader assumes will come down the pipe once the show gets more episodes. What works especially well is seeing the juxtaposition of how much Derek cares for Linda in the dream to how much he cares about himself in his relative present time. His connection with Linda is powerful and visceral in the dream, and audiences are going to want to learn what happened there. That final scene is killer!

Weaknesses:
The weaknesses here are some repetitive beats and a lack of context for some of the ancillary "future" characters like Wheeler or Linda. The main repetitive beat is right after the FBI agents find the 2059 tag on Derek's suit. Act 3 ends with them finding this tag and not believing it, but the following scenes in Act 4 are these same agents coming to Derek and telling him this tag is on the suit. They want to know how it got there, but he has no idea. The audience, does, however, meaning that they'll be getting this information twice. A script shouldn't be giving out the same information more than once, or it will bore the audience. Consider condensing these scenes so that when they look at the suit, Derek is there with them. Then Act 4's main conflict is getting Derek to remember what happened and no time is wasted dealing with the FBI agents' repetitive info. The characters of Linda and Wheeler are from Derek's future time, but they just appear without any context in the story. Wheeler's arrival is awesome, but if there was some kind of warning or clue that it was coming, it would be much more satisfying. Consider Brody or Derek knowing about Wheeler. That way there's some kind of "ticking clock objective" which they need to accomplish before he arrives. Linda appears in the dream, but hint at her character earlier.

TV series potential:
This page-turner has the potential to be a high octane sci-fi television show in the vein of 12 MONKEYS or ALPHAS. It also approaches the genre without ballooning the production budget. Things are simple, to the point, and grounded in reality. The most expensive element here will be the suit and the VFX for the mini-black holes. The FBI agents make sense and add a procedural element to the story that audiences will easily understand and go along with. The strength of the piece is its driving plot and active protagonist, so top actors will likely want this role if they can get their hands on it. Overall, this is a strong script with an active protagonist, enormously high stakes, and a simple yet entertaining sci-fi plot that draws in the reader.

Pages:
54


And Seekers:

Era:
Time-Traveling

Locations:
Various

Genre:
Action & Adventure, Mystery & Suspense, Sci-Fi & Fantasy

Logline:
A detective searching for answers to some of the world’s greatest conspiracies is invited to join a top-secret organization with time-traveling capabilities and his life is forever changed.

Series Logline:
A detective searching for answers to some of the world’s greatest conspiracies is invited to join a top-secret organization with time-traveling capabilities and his life is forever changed.

Strengths:
What the script has going for it most is its structure, as the material does a nice job of not revealing too much story information too quickly. Despite the fact a bit more information needs to be provided about story’s bad guys (more on this below), that’s not to take away from the natural pacing of Aydon's journey to the secret base and his subsequent journey through time. Also, at story’s end, the pilot does a nice job of setting up Aydon's moral dilemma: if he is to learn the truth, he must give up everything he holds dear in the present – his job, and his work relationship with his trusting partner. All said, the script checks many of the boxes required of quality suspenseful pilots, but some additional consideration should be given to a few narrative issues as dictated below for the sake of making the pilot that much more viable.

Weaknesses:
The biggest issue with the script is that there isn’t enough of a “bad guy” presence. Though the group encounters mysterious agents that chase them out of the subway station, not enough information is provided about the antagonists, when it seems an explanation of some sort would be the next logical piece of intel – i.e. the phrasing “there’s no time for explanations” does not suffice. (Consider this: even the “Smoking Man” was seen in the “X-Files” pilot.) Also, while the pilot does a nice job explaining the nature of time-travel, the question still remains: what’s the point? If “time” resets so present-day events cannot be altered, then what is the goal of traveling to the past? Is it simply to learn the truth about past conspiracies (truths that will most likely not be accepted in the present)? Long story short, some additional justification needs to be given to their time-traveling efforts.

TV series potential:
All in all, the project maintains a number of positives, mostly as it pertains to its structuring and character dilemmas. That said, the project faces a steep uphill battle in terms of being produced, given the somewhat derivative nature of the material (the “X-Files” resurgence making this an even more difficult sell) and the fact one has a difficult time seeing the point of time-travel if one cannot alter past or future events. That said, given the similarities to the “X-Files,” one could easily envision a show like this one on FOX, but more unique characteristics need to be introduced, and its numerous narrative wrinkles need to be ironed out.

Pages:
58

General Thoughts on Bible:
The bible actually proves the project’s most impressive selling tool. All things considered, the bible maintains all of the required elements: character breakdowns, episodic breakdown, a tonal overview, promotional points, etc.


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eldave1
Posted: October 21st, 2015, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox
Just got back the evaluation for 'Seekers'. It's a 6/10 but compared to the other one, which took the reader over a week from 'Reading in Progress' to write the evaluation, this one was read and evaluated in a single day.

I think the reader read it completely, but I'm not sure if he/she got the point of it.

The pilot involves people travelling back in time in order to investigate historical events (and the hidden truth behind them). In the pilot, it's the JFK murder they're visiting. How the reader came to the conclusion, this is a derivation of the X-Files keeps me puzzled. Then another key 'rule' in the series is, they are able to travel back in time, but they can't change it, they are only 'observers' or 'time detectives' if you want. The reader points this out as a weakness, saying time travel makes no sense if they can't change anything. Feels a bit like saying cops hunting a killer doesn't make sense if they don't arrest him in the end.

I think the coverage is a solid effort, and a 6 isn't that bad, but it reads a bit biased in my opinion.

Can be found here:
Seekers @ The Blacklist


A lot of it depends on the reader you get. I submitted a script (Beginning of The End and The End) years ago and one reader gave it a 7 and the other a 3. In addition the comments were polar opposites - e.g., you have a strong female protag - the other - the protag is underdeveloped.

I think the trick is not to be overwhelmed by the positive or discouraged by the negative - try to seek the truth is both with one caveat - stick to your guns when you disagree.

In your example, the comment regarding they must be able to change things if they go to the past is absolutely inane in my view and your premise is dead on correct. And yours still allows for reaction - e.g., what would change in the future if one day we discovered that Kennedy was killed by........ To me that is far more interesting. In other words - stick with your guns.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Equinox
Posted: October 21st, 2015, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey eldave,

I know it's all subjective and that's fine. It's his/her opinion to say time travelling without being able to change anything sucks, so that's fine.

What bugs me more are the plain 'wrong' statements there.


Quoted Text

Though the group encounters mysterious agents that chase them out of the subway station, not enough information is provided about the antagonists, when it seems an explanation of some sort would be the next logical piece of intel i.e. the phrasing "there's no time for explanations" does not suffice.


Those agents just fired a gun at them and a bullet barely missed them. So I think it is obvious why "there's no time for explanations" at that point.

And then that comparison to the X-Files. In case I didn't miss a few episodes where Mulder and Scully turned into time travellers and began investigating cases in the past, I think the only 'similarity' to X-Files is both protagonists are FBI-agents.


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CJ Walley
Posted: October 22nd, 2015, 4:31am Report to Moderator
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Welcome to the casino that is the Blacklist.

Hope this leads to something for you, but remember the house always wins.

If you feel the review is poor, complain. They hand out free evaluations to quell customer complaints and retain subscriptions like they're candy.


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Equinox
Posted: October 22nd, 2015, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CJ Walley
Welcome to the casino that is the Blacklist.

Hope this leads to something for you, but remember the house always wins.

If you feel the review is poor, complain. They hand out free evaluations to quell customer complaints and retain subscriptions like they're candy.


I don't think it does any good to complain, even if you get a replacement evaluation, I'm sure the complaint would have an influence on the rating

Maybe I'll just order another one after the next rewrite. There's some things in the script I'm not quite happy with myself at the moment, so I'll have to rewrite it anyway.


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CJ Walley
Posted: October 22nd, 2015, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox


I don't think it does any good to complain, even if you get a replacement evaluation, I'm sure the complaint would have an influence on the rating

Maybe I'll just order another one after the next rewrite. There's some things in the script I'm not quite happy with myself at the moment, so I'll have to rewrite it anyway.


This is the key problem with the Blacklist. It's very easy to start gambling, especially if you're on that border between the black hole and the Top Scripts sections.

Some people have managed to get low ratings removed by kicking up a lot of public fuss over the errors, but yes, usually the evaluation stays and the lower score will continue to sandbag your script's overall rating.


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MarkRenshaw
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I tried the Blacklist once earlier this year for a TV comedy horror pilot I wrote called The Monster Chronicles. It was a weird experience. The script got 3 out of 10 which I was gutted over but then the comments didn’t seem to reflect the score. The only thing the reviewer seemed bothered about was that Vampires are saturating the market at the moment and therefore hard to sell.

After giving up on the script, I then get an email a few weeks later saying it had reached the finals of the Eerie Horror Film Festival. I’d forgotten I’d entered it, so that cheered me up again lol. It didn’t win but ended up in the top 5 of their short screenplay competition.

So I’m not sure if I’d use the Blacklist again.

Oh yeah and also, a friend of mine submitted a pretty decent feature length script to the Blacklist and got 6/10. So he took everything the reviewer said on board, re-wrote it and I helped. We spent ages on it! Re-submitted.....it got 6 out of 10 again lol!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

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eldave1
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I tried the Blacklist once earlier this year for a TV comedy horror pilot I wrote called The Monster Chronicles. It was a weird experience. The script got 3 out of 10 which I was gutted over but then the comments didn’t seem to reflect the score. The only thing the reviewer seemed bothered about was that Vampires are saturating the market at the moment and therefore hard to sell.

After giving up on the script, I then get an email a few weeks later saying it had reached the finals of the Eerie Horror Film Festival. I’d forgotten I’d entered it, so that cheered me up again lol. It didn’t win but ended up in the top 5 of their short screenplay competition.

So I’m not sure if I’d use the Blacklist again.

Oh yeah and also, a friend of mine submitted a pretty decent feature length script to the Blacklist and got 6/10. So he took everything the reviewer said on board, re-wrote it and I helped. We spent ages on it! Re-submitted.....it got 6 out of 10 again lol!


Exactly. I joined Blacklist several years ago mostly to be able to review highly rated scripts - some were - oh - I get it - that was solid, but far too many were WTF??? I also agree with CJ here - my gut is that some get artificially rated  to put you right on that cusp of - oooh - if I buy another evaluation I might get it to the recommended level.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: November 4th, 2015, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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It's a business that profits from hopes and dreams.

We could all go there... well, some of us... take advantage of our fellow writers, try to profit out of them. Sell them our version of what makes a great script, or start a competition. The reason most of us don't (aside from having better things to do) is because it would be wrong. A fool and his money are soon parted and all is fair in love and war, but it can't be healthy for the (metaphorical) soul to be the one taking advantage.
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eldave1
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Quoted from Dustin
It's a business that profits from hopes and dreams.

We could all go there... well, some of us... take advantage of our fellow writers, try to profit out of them. Sell them our version of what makes a great script, or start a competition. The reason most of us don't (aside from having better things to do) is because it would be wrong. A fool and his money are soon parted and all is fair in love and war, but it can't be healthy for the (metaphorical) soul to be the one taking advantage.


Agree. When I see sites that promise of offer something that they can't deliver on then I smell money suck. Blacklist charges $50 per review and requires a $25 monthly fee just to be a member and have your script listed. The false promise is that somehow they have a better path to fulfill your dreams of selling a script. I would respect the site a lot more if (a) membership was free (b) reviews were free and (c) they received a small percent of each script optioned through their site. That way their incentives would be aligned with the writer's best interest.

I recently paid for a pro review of one of my scripts. I was quite happy with the process. No promises of success - only that for XX dollars I will review your script and provide feedback in these specific areas. That is a business exchange rather than a predatory practice that many of the sites like blacklist rely upon.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CJ Walley
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Quoted from Dustin
It's a business that profits from hopes and dreams.

We could all go there... well, some of us... take advantage of our fellow writers, try to profit out of them. Sell them our version of what makes a great script, or start a competition. The reason most of us don't (aside from having better things to do) is because it would be wrong. A fool and his money are soon parted and all is fair in love and war, but it can't be healthy for the (metaphorical) soul to be the one taking advantage.


^This x 1000



Quoted from eldave1

I would respect the site a lot more if (a) membership was free (b) reviews were free and (c) they received a small percent of each script optioned through their site. That way their incentives would be aligned with the writer's best interest.


Pretty much how I feel too. Although I'd be happy to pay just the $25 the reader actually gets. I'd also want to see a genuine do-no-harm rating system such as P/C/R rather than the average rating system that's in place now.

It sadly only gets more and more murky the deeper one probes into the Blacklist (past or present).

Was anybody at the Blacklist party at the previous AFF where hardly anybody showed up?


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pale yellow
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Really good news and really great score. Crossing fingers for you ... GREAT WORK>


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The first feature I wrote (3 years ago) received a 7/10. The script was so bad it was laughable, so I consider the evaluation a gateway rating.

Flash forward, a few months ago I submitted a feature that was a Tracking Board Launch Pad Top 25 in 2014, and won the grand prize at the 2015 Carmel Int'l Film Festival. It received a 4/10.

$75, or as I like to say, 16 holes of golf I'll never get back. Save your money. The feedback on SimplyScripts is far more thoughtful, and it's free.
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Cam Gray
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Lols, the Blacklist experience.

I whacked in my Box 467 effort a while ago, sat back and waited...and waited some more. Basically they were jammed so I got a free month hosting and then came the feedback. First feedback gave it a six or a seven, I forget, but it didn't look like they'd read half the script (they'd missed some fairly major plot points).

Anyway, I complained. A few emails later I had this evaluation redacted, another free month and a fresh evaluation that gave it a 4 or a 5. I wasn't paying much attention to the score at this point, but the feedback on this evaluation was really fast, detailed, helpful, professionally done and I'm actively implementing it at the moment.

Doubt I'd do it again as it seemed really random, but if you got lucky with the latter reviewer it serves a really valuable purpose. My advice would be just enter the Page awards and get their feedback, 2 for 1 in the sense you're in a competition and get your work evaluated for the same price, plus again the feedback for this one (Dick Jokes) was great.
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StevenClark
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Dick Jokes is a good script. I'd love to see the rewrite after revising with the notes given!


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Hey Steve, cheers mate, glad you liked it. I'd love to fix it but the only problem is they wanted to update all the jokes as they felt out of date, but I ain't no stand up! It could be a while...apart from that they seemed to really like it
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SimonM
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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The thing is - who are these Readers? What sets them apart from, say, anyone on Reddit?

If you pay money then you should have some expectation that the Reader is someone who knows what they are talking about and has some actual interest in reading your work. Otherwise what's the point?

Over the years I've had one to one meetings and written feedback from professionals - BBC script editors, Directors, Screenwriters, Producers - and I've never had to pay a penny to anyone. Perhaps I've been lucky this way?

When it comes down to it, everything is subjective - everyone has an opinion but that doesn't make every opinion valid.


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Dustin
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Quoted from Cam Gray
Hey Steve, cheers mate, glad you liked it. I'd love to fix it but the only problem is they wanted to update all the jokes as they felt out of date, but I ain't no stand up! It could be a while...apart from that they seemed to really like it


So you got sold a well written bunch of bullshit and you ate it up. They don't have a clue what they're talking about. If they did, they'd be doing it themselves.

Old jokes are a great way to ease into the comedy and we, as viewers, can take comfort in them. The odd one may make us groan, but it's in a good way.

I watched Black Dynamite yesterday afternoon, a parody of the blaxploitation films of the 70s. Full of cheese and old jokes... but great... just great.

If you find it funny, then so will other people. Write for yourself and you can't go far wrong. Unless they've paid you, then they haven't got a clue what's going to work and what isn't because they don't have any interest in producing it. Don't work hard to please one idiot reader unless you're being paid.
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Cam Gray
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

Nah I ain't touching Dick Jokes (Page feedback) unless a comedy genius can enhance it, it did divide opinions on the comedy front anyway so probably valid. It's in a few other competitions though so we'll see how it goes elsewhere.

The revised Blacklist feedback was really helpfull in telling me to iron out the timeline and make it linear for Box 467, as it is all over the place. The first Blacklist feedback was pretty useless though, and I wouldn't have implemented any of it.
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Gerasimos
Posted: May 21st, 2018, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Here's my review on blacklist for Nihilum-A Lord of The Rings Story (the very first draft is available in the SS forum)

Overall rating 7, premise/character/setting 7s, plot/dialogue 6s.

Review
Era

Ancient
Locations

Fantasy Realm
Budgets

Blockbuster
Genre

Drama, Adventure Drama, Sci-Fi & Fantasy, Mythological, Prehistoric Fantasy, Sword and Sorcery
Logline

When rings of power can shape the fate of the world, an epic war begins.
Strengths

�Nihilum- A Lord of the Rings Story� is a fantastically epic and entertaining fantasy adventure with a richly realized world and often exhilarating action. Admittedly, the complex mythology can seem a little convoluted at times, and there may be a few too many MacGuffins, but the spectacle the script builds up is incredible. Along with the elves and orcs, there is no shortage of fantastical creatures about, crossing multiple mythologies, including basilisks and ifrits. The paracosm is a beautiful, even breathtaking realm, and it could be stunning properly realized onscreen. The battle scenes are ferocious and unrelenting, showing us the stakes and scope. There is the danger of the characters being overshadowed by all this background and spectacle, but the script has time to provide some stirring human moments, even when not all of the characters involved are human. The love of Kungen and Sylvana is vivid and beautiful, adding to our engagement.
Weaknesses

There is a lot going on here, and it can be hard to keep track of everything in this complex mythology. There are times we sense that the script could do a better job with simplicity and focus. By a certain point, the excessive reliance on magical artifacts seems repetitive and even generic. It�s not just the rings, but the Sargerite band, the crystal of energy, and the other hidden, powerful artifacts Gulaf mentions. It�s unnecessary to have so many, and it can get distracting. Some of the magical creatures are underused. The audience may be excited to see the behemoth and the hydra brought into action, but it is disappointing that their appearance is so rushed and they are so easily dispatched.
Prospects:

With fantastical spectacle and great action, "�Nihilum- A Lord of the Rings Story" hits its mark as an entertaining and satisfying fantasy epic. Calling this as a Lord of the Rings story is problematic, both because the connection to Tolkien's lore is hard to discern and because the rights are taken. Still, it's a riveting fantasy in its own right and could make a spectacular blockbuster, its tricky road to screen notwithstanding.

Pages 107

Can really do nothing about the 'underused creatures' as I had to ditch around 200 pages of script action and descriptions about the fights etc (due to page limit), maybe I reduce some of the magical artifacts used, some time later on.
Regarding the obvious (title), the initial purpose of the script was to go after amazon, make them buy this out, so at the moment, I'll just let it be this way.

Just a note. As a huge LoTR fan, I insisted few years ago on the creation of some extra films about the 3 main Tolkien protagonists; Sauron-Aragorn and Gandalf. The Hobbit series althrough a cash magnet, it sucked (imo) as a movie, but it managed to expand the LoTR story and Middle Earth. Amazon bought the Tolkien rights for some extra films (prequels probably to the Fellowship), rumours say the first two-- blah blah--

My script introduces a new world before everything (even Silmarillion) and creates a solid base for Sauron's change from good to bad, Aragorn's birth and the Numeron line of kings, as well as the young Gandalf. I skipped Celembrimbor who looks to me as the most important missing char from the trilogies, but he can eventually appear somewhere along the story. Ofc I didn't use any of those names in my script (besides Gandalf's at the end) as the relation to LoTR would be too straightforward.

Anyways, that was my first of two scripts, we'll see in the future if any of the amazon guys has a look on my script, and my approach is just a failure.

Still that 7 doesn't look bad for a first script ever.

BTW, great thnx to Flossy Freeman and ScottM for their notes and thoughts^^


Features:
KTT Part ONE - The Polar Cabal
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY


SHORTS:
Lost Souls
When Angels Sing
Fair Trade
The Dream Mile

My facebook script page
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 16th, 2018, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Just to follow up on this, my TV pilot 'The Survivors' scored 5 on the Black List so I thought, ah well, not bad but not good and kind of forgot about it. Then yesterday the same script got through to the Semi-Finals of Page.

Yeah I'm showing off a bit as I'm thrilled, but it just goes to show how inconsistent this industry is (not just the Black List) and how you have no idea who's evaluating your script and what their state of mind is at that point in time.  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2018, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Just to follow up on this, my TV pilot 'The Survivors' scored 5 on the Black List so I thought, ah well, not bad but not good and kind of forgot about it. Then yesterday the same script got through to the Semi-Finals of Page.

Yeah I'm showing off a bit as I'm thrilled, but it just goes to show how inconsistent this industry is (not just the Black List) and how you have no idea who's evaluating your script and what their state of mind is at that point in time.  


Very cool, Mark - will be rooting for you!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Cam Gray
Posted: August 16th, 2018, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Just to follow up on this, my TV pilot 'The Survivors' scored 5 on the Black List so I thought, ah well, not bad but not good and kind of forgot about it. Then yesterday the same script got through to the Semi-Finals of Page.

Yeah I'm showing off a bit as I'm thrilled, but it just goes to show how inconsistent this industry is (not just the Black List) and how you have no idea who's evaluating your script and what their state of mind is at that point in time.  


Woot woot!!! Well in, Mark. Seems to be a lot of folk going far in the competitions round these parts, what a talented bunch!
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Zack
Posted: August 16th, 2018, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Congrats Mark!

Zack


*NEW DRAFT*

DING DONG DITCH - (short,horror)
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 16th, 2018, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Just to follow up on this, my TV pilot 'The Survivors' scored 5 on the Black List so I thought, ah well, not bad but not good and kind of forgot about it. Then yesterday the same script got through to the Semi-Finals of Page.

Yeah I'm showing off a bit as I'm thrilled, but it just goes to show how inconsistent this industry is (not just the Black List) and how you have no idea who's evaluating your script and what their state of mind is at that point in time.  


Well done, and yes, it is all subjective at the end. Those who say they know it all don’t always do. But, while we hope to do well each time, doing well in a big one is really something in my book. Fingers crossed for you.



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 16th, 2018, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys. I'm just glad I didn't submit A Taste Of Hell lol.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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pale yellow
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Here is my rating and notes from DEAD LINE, a contained thriller I wrote.

Overall Rating
6/10
Premise
6/10
Plot
6/10
Character
5/10
Dialogue
5/10
Setting
6/10
MORE INFO
REVIEW
Era
Present

Locations
US, Train

Budgets
Medium

Genre
Action & Adventure, Mystery & Suspense, Psychological Thriller

Logline
An ambitious prosecutor must carry out a string of serious crimes aboard a train in order to save her daughter�s life from an abductor.

Strengths
One of the great things about this script is that the plot constantly moves forward, and there�s rarely a dull moment. Tensions and stakes escalate with each task, and there�s no lack of conflict throughout the script. The protagonist is constantly making choices and is rarely if ever passive in her pursuits. Once she completes one task, the next is even worse, which constantly keeps her on her toes. It�s easy to sympathize with the plight of Jade and her desperation to get her daughter back, even compromising her own ethics in her attempts to save her. By the end of the film she also shows tremendous growth. The different characters on the train are strange enough to make the audience question whether they�re in on it or not. The washing of the shirt and the conductor�s constant presence is creepy to say the least. Bringing back the OJ and Sprite is also a nice touch.

Weaknesses
While it�s understandable that Jade is under a lot of pressure, for a brilliant prosecutor she seems to be making all the wrong choices. It�s strange that she doesn�t make any efforts to find her daughter immediately, especially considering the fact that the abductor knows her every move. It's not unreasonable that he is close by. On that same note, she's not nearly suspicious enough of the people working on the train. Confiding in Darren when she does, for example, seems unnecessarily risky. Instead of badgering the conductor about the drink order, a smarter choice would be to follow the person delivering the beverage. Additionally, is seems very unwise to get into a full-on physical fight considering her stomach content. A change in the order of tasks would solve this issue. Her decision to go straight for the head with the bat is another reckless choice when the consequences can be very dire. In addition, some of the instructions from the caller are unclear. What is she supposed to do with the drugs? Just setting a fire and walking away is also very non-specific and seems like a senseless request. Lastly, the villain�s motive is a bit weak considering the circumstances, and the phone�s battery life doesn�t really work as a ticking clock. Lucy's diabetes or the train's arrival time would suffice.

Prospects:
There�s no shortage of thrillers in which the protagonist is put under tremendous pressure in order save a child or family member from harm, and there�s certainly an audience for it. As such, this film has high commercial value. Because this is a small scale, relatively self-contained psychological thriller with no large set pieces as much of the action transpires on the train, the budget is kept fairly low. In addition, there's definitely a market for a strong female protagonist these days, and with a big-name actress attached, this has the potential to bring in a large audience. That said, works still remains in terms of execution to truly elevate this script.

Pages
86


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