Waiting by Nipper Orchard - Short - Three strangers meet in a dentist's waiting room with more in common than they realise. 10 pages - pdf, format

This was very good. I really enjoyed it. The ending was cool. I found a few mistakes throughout it, though. Nothing major, though:

-For some reason, you numbered the title page, and page 1. You're supposed to leave no number on the title page and page 1, and then start on page 2, where you start the page count at "2."

-You used passive tense some times. I'm not great at grammar myself, so I won't try to point out where you did, but I did notice it a couple of times. Instead of "Bob is sitting on the bench" use "Bob sits on the bench," just for an example.

-You didn't use great punctuation in the dialogue. There were some places that needed periods, but mostly places where you should use a comma.

-There were a few big blocks of action. Keep action paragraphs at four lines a paragraph. Each individual action should be in its own paragraph.

So there you go. Hope that helped. Again, I really enjoyed this script. It could very easily be filmed low-budget, which is always good.

I thought this was written well enough.  The story was easy enough to follow though the end was slightly unclear.  The dialogue was good for the most part.  

I'm not certain I liked the ending.  Not that it didn't work, just that it seemed a bit cliche.  Plus I was kind of expecting it after the watch foreshadow.  

Other than that I found this paragraph which was quite confusing.

Simon swings a PUNCH at Mike.  It connects and Simon falls
down with a bloodied nose.  He sits where he fell, stunned.  
Simon grabs Heather, she tries to scream as he begins to
strangle her.

Some more editing needed to catch these active sentence issues?

she is lifted off the ground by him

Overall really good for one week.  Well done.

SPOILERS

Yeah, I figured out your twist on page 4, when their watches stopped.  Good choice for purgatory, as a dentist's waiting room often feels like that.  You also could have used the DMV.

I still wasn't exactly sure how each of them died and wound up together at the office at the same time.  But not bad at all for a week's notice.

Good twist but I didn't really get what these three had in common.  At the end there all the dialogue garbled together and I wasn't sure if these folks' crimes were related to one another or independent.  I liked the use of the waiting room.  Dental waiting rooms can be one of the worst places to be.

Good job for a week.

Greg

Well, the good news is that this is probably the best of the first batch, but it did little for me, sorry to say.

There are a number of issues running throughout the script, some of which have already been brought up by the other reviewers.

I want to add to Crooked owl's feedback about the punctuation - it's pretty poor in many ways.  So many missing commas that literally change the meaning and readability of the sentences.

Shockingly horrific amount of wrylies on display here - like WAY TOO MANY!  Most are a complete waste and annoyance.

Also, a shocking amount of beats used in action lines.  Reads very poorly and basically all should be axed.

Over-writing throughout the script in terms of detail given unnecessarily.

For me, the dialogue was pretty poor and unrealistic - as in way too proper, with few contractions like just about everyone uses.  Also, many of the things that were said are not things anyone would say, even in a surreal situation like this.  Just didn't come across as remotely believable.

Until the very end, we've got 3 talking heads talking about nonsense in a stark, white room.  Not remotely visually intriguing.

You know, I'm iffy on the entire premise.  It's OK, but something that's been overdone, IMO.  It may be a twist, but as everyone has said, it's not well concealed, and the entire "Dentist's Office" thing doesn't really work, IMO.  What makes it a Dentist's Office, anyway?  Why would any of them think they're in a Dentist's Office?  It's kind of a cheat on the writer's part to make us, as readers think something that's far from the truth, by using an inaccurate Slug of "Dentist's Office".

The writing isn't great by any means but not terrible, either...and not nearly as irritating as the last few scripts I've read, so Kudos on that.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

Hi Good job on doing the OWC. I liked this one generally, but I thought some things could've worked better. I agree with Mike that the watch bit showed your hand too much. I think it'd work if you just cut out the acknowledgment that all their watches have stopped. I agree about the dialogue and lack of contractions. You've set up who they are so they should talk the talk. And last, I think I would've liked this a lot better if all of their crimes were inter-related. I think it'd make a good juxtaposition (I think that's the word I'm looking for...) with the idea that they're total strangers in the beginning.

HTH

This is the first of the OWC that I'll be reading (gotta go to work) but I thought you did a good job.

The title is perfect for this script.
I have to say though that as soon as I knew the watches stopped, I knew where this was going to end.

The ending was a good one though.

Good job on finishing the OWC

Cindy

Read it.

Not bad as far as grammar ect.

Story had a TZ kind thing going to me. Pretty cool.

Im going to guess that when Simon punched mike, and simon hit the floor it was part of the groups "oneness" or something?

either way good job on getting it done.

I thought this was well written.  It could've been a little shorter, though.  And a little tighter.  Some description could be taken out.

Quoted Text              HEATHER      (disinterested) I'm sorry but could we just wait quietly? Thank you. Heather throws a condescending smile. More of an instruction than a request. The waiting room falls silent for a long beat.

It was obvious in her dialog that she was condescending and that what she said wasn't a request.

Some of the dialog did seem a little artificial.  You should read the characters' part aloud.  It may help you to see this.

Over all, though, a good read.


Phil

Liked the concept, the characters and the set up.  The writing's clean as well...flows nicely.  This one could be polished into an easily produce-able gem.

A few nitpicks:  After the first few pages, the dialogue read artificial to me.  Not casual enough - and the characters brought up issues without the proper prompting that would make the reveals seem "natural".  (IE:  a bit 'on the nose.')  Also, while it's obvious where they've ended up, I was left unsure as to whether their stories were combined.  Was there any interconnection, or were they simply three travelers, going to the same, er, location..?

The setup for this was to transition from a quiet waiting room to a boisterous waiting room with the characters learning secrets about each other.

I think the setup worked.
Writing was okay (watch those parentheticals!)
Some passages were obvious steps to the next level.
I didn't buy into the "they knew each other before" ending.
The change in appearance at the end confused me.
Criteria met.

Congrats on completing the script for the OWC.

OWC rules respected:

Totally. Number of actors was not exceeded, fine easy setup, perfect for amateurs.

Originality:

Not cliché-ridden, the characters were creative and some even relatable for me.

Structure:

Careful with the parentheticals, plaese. Other than that was fine.

Overall impression:

Nice work!

dig the concept. However, execution is debatable.  

When Simon picks a fight with  the lawyer, that seems random.

Also, the transition scene when they've discovered where they are needs to be worked on more. I mean if they haven't figured it out in the beginning then why at that point of the story. Needs some explanation for that. Not much just a bit.

Hope this helps
Gabe

After reading this:

INT. DENTIST’S WAITING ROOM - DAY

Cold white and stark. Stacks of old magazines sit on small tables. Landscape paintings, potted plants and a row of hard plastic chairs along one wall.
Three people occupy the seats.

*I thought "Why?" Why would anyone go to a dentist that was stark white with hard plastic chairs? It must be taking place back in the 50's or something.

Anyways, we go from seeming strangers together in the waiting room to discovering that they in fact know each other. In the end, we discover it's a cousin to the "It was all a dream" scenario, where the people we've been watching are already dead.

I think it would help if we knew the reason why they are all together in a dentist's office.

Sandra

I just glanced at the reviews, and I'm not sure I agree with Ryan that this is purgatory, although I guess it could be in some sense. I considered it more of an experience that happens right before you die, like when your life flashes before your eyes. What I'm not sure about is whether this is a shared reality, or one person's mind, and if so, whose.

I think you have a good idea, and it's fairly well delivered until the end. And it's not that the ending is bad, not at all, it just needs to be written better. There are even some places where you mixed up Simon and Mike, which at first wasn't an issue, but then with the vague reality lines at the end it became a huge distraction.

Hey, if purgatory is a dentist's office, does that mean hell is inside, in the dentist's chair? Cool. And Satan is a dentist. I knew it.

Good effort, tweak it when you can.

I'm not an anti-dentite__ Jerry Seinfeld

A few thoughts;

# I like the idea but wondered whether this would be a bit flat if filmed - little changes visually. Lots of words.
# whilst I liked the different backgrounds something again felt a bit usual. You know, there has to be a lawyer then someone opposite such as the blue collar worker etc??
# why are they in the  waiting room? This doesn't have to be answered and I suggest no fault for this but I wondered whether it could be an angle to help develop the characters, could be a mid point change? Food for thought.

On balance an interesting read.

Well done for entering.

This is an easy to understand narrative that follows OWC rules.
I felt some of the dialogue was repetitive.
However, I liked the “waiting room versions” of the characters.
They were mostly opposite of how they came to be in that room.
I appreciate that kind of thought going into the story.
I don’t think it would film well, but it read pretty decent.

Regards,
E.D.

At first I was a bit skeptical - you have three characters "in chairs" then you write 'Heather sits" etc. Maybe it is a bit nitpicky but, I can already see they are seated. Then they do a few things past-tense. Sometimes I get a little tired of excessive proifanity and repetitive dialog as well, as if the writer doesn't have any other way for a character to express themselves.

That all behind us...

I suspect a few folks are going to give you hell in a handbasket because a few action blocks are four lines. I never saw anything over that, so you are fine there- but just so long as you understand that you are conducting a rythym, and one paragragh is what we will see in one shot.

I enjoyed it for the most part; fits the challenge. As for the "a-ha!" moment halfway into the read, I'm 50/50 on it. I think you should have tried at least to move it up, maybe a half page to a page so it's smack in the center and the corner is easier to turn, if you understand my babble. Overall, it didn't really bother me.

I'll tell you this much-- this one is on my shortlist when we start voting. It may or may not drop off but for now it is on the radar.

This one was okay.

When I read the logline, a certain Stephen King short story popped into my head (I won't say which one) and, sure enough, it has the same ending.

The punctuation problem has already been addressed, and I agree.  On more than one occasion, the punctuation, or lack of punctuation, drew me out of the story.

What really drove this story for me, though, is the dialogue.  It wasn't great or anything, and maybe even a little evasive towards the ending, but in the beginning, it really got me interested to see where this story was going to go, even though I already had an idea.

The ending is a little unclear.  I got that Mike killed his neighbor, but I'm not sure how he died.  Did he drown himself?  I got that Heather shot herself for letting an innocent man get executed.  But I thought Simon's wife was the one who took his daughter?  Simon says he killed the man who took her.  Is he talking about the lawyer that was representing his wife, or... I don't know.

It's just that not everything was exactly cut and dry at the end.

- Mark

I don't think it was that they knew each other before. They were all dead and were all dealing with what each of them had done wrong in life. Not together. At least that's how I understood it.

The only likable person here was Mike.

Other than that, I liked it and thought you did a good job.

As I go:

Ten points for the name "Nipper Orchard".

Page 1:  Simon's "matter of fact, yeah!" is very bold, but his next line seems very timid.  

Page 3:  "I am no lawyer..." "I am" is very formal...reading on I see there's an "I am" epidemic...
Simon's definitely not timid.  It's strange that he backed down from Heather earlier.

Page 4:  Don't buy that Heather is re-involving herself in the conversation.  Seems like she'd be annoyed in silence, or say something snooty.
There's also an exclamation mark epidemic.

Page 5:  It's weird that Simon waited a couple pages to bring up his beef with Heather's company rather than starting in on her right when she said the name.  In fact, he didn't even comment then.

Page 8:  Unless he has no testicles, he feels it.

Thoughts:

Ha!  Strange one.  

The transition isn't really pulled off; or, the first half doesn't really serve the second.  The tone is light and the shift to heaviness is abrupt rather than fluid -- abrupt, the unbelievable kind, not the effective kind.

I rather like the central premise here, actually.  Is it too much of a coincidence?  Maybe.  But the last moments suggest something of a supernatural nature, so that takes care of that, in my opinion.  

This just isn't structured very well.  The build up to the violence needs to be a little more logical or I can't really buy it.  Then, much more importantly, the build up to each confession needs to make sense.  Maybe Heather's life (whether or not she's dead) flashed before her eyes and she wanted to confess...I could potentially buy that, but I think something could be stronger there.  It would help if her confession was foreshadowed somehow.  Certainly, I don't know why Mike bothered to confess then.

Maybe it was just my preconceptions of Simon but he read as more of a harmless goof than an actual violent person.  Not sure what it was about him that led me to that reading.

There's a lot of pretty awkward dialogue that needs to be written.  Some conjunctions would be nice.

So, to sum up -- three people are put in the pressure cooker and end up admitting to their sins.  I like the premise, I don't think the pressure works, in the script as is.

Thanks for the fun read!

The beginning seemed distractingly purgatory-like and there wasn't much of a punch in the plot twist, but the characters' confessions / realizations are voiced well, that moves the story along nicely.
I think this was generally well written and entertaining.

I liked the idea of this but I found it a little 'clunky' to read. It didn't flow quite like a lot of the others. I think my biggest problem with it were the parentheticals. There were a lot of them and I think in most cases unnecessary, you should be able to tell by what is said how it is said, and I think you can with most of your dialogue.

The other bit that slowed my read I think was just a naming error. When Simon swings at Mike, connects then Simon falls. For a second it had me thinking Mike wasn't real, kind of like Tyler Durden in fight club. It's easily corrected but just illustrates a little thing like that can send somebody off on the wrong track. Or maybe just me.

A good idea that could be sharpened up a little.

Arty.