In your top three?

I'm flattered.

Cindy

Noticed a few scripts slipped by me without reviewing them.  This was one of them.  I thought this was a well-written piece that had pretty good pacing and kept a even, lighthearted tone throughout the story.

I think it would have been more effective if you got to the "no smoking" bet before page 4.  Then you could add to the one-upsmanship that runs throughout the story.

"Lazy boy"  should actually be LA-Z-Boy as it's a registered trademark.

The girls at the end don't add much.  I would have rather the husband pull some kind of last second twist where he got the best of his wife for dousing him.  He just didn't seem like a guy who would take that lying down.

Good job on this one.

Hi Ryan,

Thank you for giving this one a read.

Good suggestions here. I've also gotten good suggestions from others, too and will certainly keep them in mind when I do the rewrite.

As for Lazy boy, I've seen it spelled both ways. I believe lazy boy refers to the type of chair (one that reclines, made by any company) while La-Z-Boy is a company that is known for making and selling their La-z-boy recliners and sofas.

Not many liked the girls. I guess I should get rid of them.

I'm going to work on it my next day off of work.

Thanks again,
Cindy

The rewrite is up now.

Thank you, Don.

Cindy

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for pointing me towards this new draft.
I'm eager to see what changes you made.
I thought this was an endearing story.

P. 3  I like John's rubber band attack, is that new?

P. 5  Plays better in my mind if you don't have Louise yell before the elastic attack.

I like the more character centric ending.
This read better to me this time.
The "sh*t-eaten grin" read a little awkward to me.

Overall though, I'd really like to see this one get produced.

Cheers,
E.D.

Hey Brett,

Thanks for giving the rewrite a read for me. I'm glad it read better.
Yes, the rubberband was new, so was Louise's mask. I changed up a few things here and there, too.

I'd like to see it get produced, too. It seems like it could be pretty easy for a filmmaker to do.

Thanks again,

Cindy

Cindy!

As for me, I found just one good point – natural and easy-go dialogues. The rest is not convincing and weak, I have to say.

Just like that:

1. If it's a conflict of egos or wills it can't be built solely on a smoking | non-smoking. It would come out somewhere else - tastes, habits, whatever. Family quarrels never go just one direction.
2. I'm a smoker myself and 46 (close to 50, see?) - and I can tell you any grown-up smoker can abstain for hours without much effect and nerves (international flights, theaters, shows, movies, etc.).
3. Escalating the conflict you miss the internal motif for Louise - what's she actually trying to achieve? Get the husband's attention? respect? humiliate him? force him smoke outside? simply obey? It's not clear to me.

Good luck in strengthening your good points and avoiding weak.

Hi Timoff,

Thank you for giving this one a read.

I, too, was a smoker for 33 years.
It's true some people can go without a smoke if they want to, but I've also seen people smoke cigarette after cigarette after cigarette on their breaks at work, actually light a new one from the hots of a butt.  

I see what you are talking about, about the argument between the two in the script actually being about something else, but this short is only supposed to be about him smoking in the house, nothing more.

I had just written this to have a one location short script, to see if I could do it without it being just a talking heads script, ya know? I've never written a one location script before. It was an exercise.

Thanks again for the read and welcome to simplyscripts.

Cindy

This screenplay has much potential.
If you use the interplay between the empty nesters with more subtle elements rather than the bold physical comedy, you might have something.
In other words, more cerebral sparring and less water hoses!
I really enjoyed the dialogue.

Hey GeeFar,

Sorry it took so long to reply.
Getting ready for an early Thanksgiving day and writing a feature.  

Thanks for giving this one a read. Glad you liked the dialogue.

Like I said before, this was just an exercise  

and I still like the water hose. It was something unexpected that I wanted to throw in there for a laugh.

Is there anything you'd like for me to read?