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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Where There's Smoke - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    Where There's Smoke - OWC  (currently 4453 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Where There's Smoke by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Comedy - A middle-aged woman takes matters into her own hands when her husband refuses to go outside to smoke. 8 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 26th, 2011, 1:24pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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I think the word that most applies here is "meh".  It's not terrible, the writing isn't awful, there are some humorous moments, but for the most part, it's definitely a meh for me.

It's extremely repetitive and the repetition doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose.

It's dull, based on the cliche story and repetition.

Obviously not to be taken seriously, it goes over the top for me, but some may find it funny.

I don't like the asides and I despise the cliche descriptions (freight train, cat, etc).

The constant time being shown was also a turnoff for me.

For some odd reason, I felt like this was taking place back in the 50's or 60's.  It did not have a realistic feel to it...even in it's obvious comedic tone.

I don't know...that's about it.  Definitely not the worst, but completely and totally forgettable in a few minutes.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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Lexalicous
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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OWC rules respected:

Yes. The house serves as one location.

Originality:

The script sufferes from a big number of repetitions. There's one big joke the story is supposed to reveolve around, but that doesn't work too well, sorry.

Structure:

No real flaws, but the descriptions of what happens are way too long. Never write about a persons intentions!

Overall impression:

Avarage. The concept itself wasn't too interesting to me, I have to admit.
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leitskev
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Not much to say. Well written, natural dialogue. A little bit cute, but not much more entertaining than watching my parents play cards and argue. I think the writer is gifted at capturing something that seems real and almost believable, but some other element needs to be added here to capture our interest. I'm not sure what.
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grademan
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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The setup for this was to have a smoker and nonsmoker square off in one room until resolved.

Nice job of creating conflicts but the script meandered a bit. The girls at the end seemed like a last minute way to close the story down.

What the story needs is tension. Concentrate on the character’s reactions. A ticking clock is best at one or two minutes left, not eight. Like an over the top duel.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts;

# the idea of duel between smoker and non, appeals to me
# I appreciate it was not serious but I just didn't buy into the way it developed - garden hose at the end?
# it struck me that could be shortened and achieve the same outcome, maybe better
# kids at the end didn't do anything for me - as said before it was a duel

Good idea. Well kept together but perhaps lacking tension for me.

Well done for entering.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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This one was definitly well written, the writer here knows their stuff, the problem for me is that it felt like a bit of an anti smoking add, and I  despise anything anti smoking, I love to smoke and can't stand those anti smoking adds on tv, or when you get these nut jobs telling you all the facts about smoke, it's the only thing that really pisses me off anymore. since this was a comedy I gave it a pass cause it wasn't to be taken seriously. I was on John's side the whole time, I was hoping he would shove the cigaretes into Louise's mouth, that would have worked better for me. this does fit the challenge very well and it is well written. Good job on finishing the OWC.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
"Louise comes back with two glasses of soda and a bowl of potato chips"


If you said it was an open bag, I would have thought nothing of it, as she could tuck the bag under her arm. Or, you can show me a dinner tray. But as written, poor Louise has sprouted a third arm.




Quoted Text
4.
LOUISE
I'll bet you a hundred dollars
that you can't leave those
cigarettes alone for one hour.

John looks at the clock. So does Louise.

LOUISE
It's seven fifty.


Wrong. I might let it slide if Louise said twenty after seven, but not ten to eight. The previous page said the clock read 7:15. You would have to either put in another LATER or give us a quick "series of shots" or attempt to write some visual about the clock going fast, or something like that. Right now it reads like a goof to me.

As for the writing itself, I generally agree with most of what is said up there, but with some exceptions.

- If this were filmed as an anti-smoking ("truth") PSA I would have no problem with it. Some PSAs can be entertaining, informative and have a maximum effect in presentation. Granted, such PSAs only last about a minute or two, but I don't have an issue with it if you aimed for an anti-smoking angle.

I personally thought it was a battle of wills. John with his smoking (and wasting of cigarettes) Louise loves her crisy cruncher chips and they are loud. Maybe she munches with her mouth open. I didn't quite see that, and something equally annoying which I didn't see...if she would have sucked the fat of the chips. (Call it food for thought)...

This wasn't half-bad for a OWC- but I was getting a bit weary reading 'watches', 'looks' and 'gawks'.


DjS


++++SPOLIERAGE++++

Question: why do Louise and John turn the hose on the girls? It was their daughter's friend (SHORT GIRL) who called them "old folks" while the "TALL GIRL" (who should be given a name) is simply kidding around.

**********************



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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  September 18th, 2011, 9:14am
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This was absolutely adorable. One line, not meant to be funny, had me smiling especially because I was reading it differently and I had to smack myself in the head.   This one:

>He reaches over and crushes his butt out in the ashtray.

Really nice job.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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An adorable story that adheres to the OWC rules.
A bit slow on the start, but a solid finish.
I wish it had started being less repetitious sooner.
It took things in a direction I didn’t expect. Kudos.
It’s hard to make a logical comedic turn work mid-script.
I had no problem believing these two were a real couple.

Regards,
E.D.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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I know what it's like to smoke and I know what it's like to quit after smoking 33 years.

I've seen filmed shorts that have had a lot of repitition in them to either change the outcome or to up the ante.

These two seem to try and outdo each other in order to get their own way in what could be like a Three's Company kind of sitcom, set in the early 70s.

I get the clock as a way to show passage of time while being set in one location. It didn't bother me.

Good job on the OWC.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
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SLM
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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This didn't do anything at all for me. I didn't find this funny, and it seemed rather, I don't know, juvenile to me. Especially the end, which was like something out of an unfunny sitcom.

(I wonder if the writer thought they had to have four characters, because really there seemed little purpose to introducing the girls)

Beyond that, I can't add anything to what has been said above.
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Okay

Pretty well writen as far as I can tell.

The story is cute, some folks, (maybe a lot) will find it funny.

I would watch it. Then if it came on again would quickly flip to something else.

Good job on getting it done.


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dogglebe
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I thought it was a cute read.  It went on a little longer than it should've, IMHO.  Through out the story, Louise kept escalating the 'battle.' John wasn't doing much until the end.  You should've had him do more.  Or, even, cut back on Louise's actions.  This would also shorten the script, which wouldn't be too bad a thing to do.

Their characters seemed nicely defined.  They had their own voices, which was nice.

The girls at the end were just enders to the scene.  I didn't think they were needed to wrap things up.

Nice read.


Phil
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wonkavite
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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This is was very cute...really enjoyed it.  It went on a *touch* too long - though a trim of the description/visuals would take care of a lot of that.

But a sweet little script. And very definitely low budget and within the boundaries (and spirit) of the challenge...  

Oh - and the "Geez Louise" line was a cute little Easter egg.
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c m hall
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This is well written and I appreciate the comic effort.  I think the goofiness of the characters ought to be hinted at earlier in the piece, they seemed awfully unpleasant until the ending.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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I thought this worked pretty well. You worked well within the challenge perimeters. I liked how the conflict escalated. As others have mentioned though, it goes on way too long. As film, I see it more like a 3-5 minute piece.

The ending was nice and cute.

Good work. One of the better ones so far.


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darrentomalin
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Very quaint. The idea of a battle of wills is a good one and has its moments. I understood everything they were doing and as most of the gags were visual that is a good thing. It's one of the problems I'm having is making action clearer and you have accomplished this.
The ending was a let down as the two girls were not needed. They do seem like a last minute addition to wrap the story up.
The couple totally lost the plot when she introduced the garden hose but I can see you were trying to make the battle escalate to a ridiculous end (War of The Roses style).
Good-ish.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Heretic
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Thoughts:

Well, when I don't take any "as I go" notes it generally means that the script is doing exactly what it's supposed to, which I think this one does.

I guess there's not really much I can say about this one.  I enjoyed it quietly.  The interactions between the two were entertaining to watch and felt realistic enough (relative, of course, to being in the realm of comedy) to warrant the feeling that I was learning something about people and therefore that this wasn't just a "cute" time waster.

Won't win any Oscars, but I'm sure would be a very enjoyable short film for some if it were shot.  And it could be done in a day, which is nice for prospective filmmakers.

Thanks for the fun read!
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rc1107
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 7:38am Report to Moderator
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This one was okay.  At first, I thought the situation was going to escalate to 'over-the-top' violence or something, but I'm happy to see it stayed grounded in real life.

It was kind of a weird ending with the two teen girls, which is making me wonder if the writer thought that the story HAD to have four characters in it, because they just kind of show up out of nowhere.

As a non-smoker, I would've liked to see a power washer instead of the garden hose, but with how strong some of those industrial washers are, that might have gone against my not wanting to see over-the-top violence.

So, while not exactly great, still an enjoyable story.

I think Hugh Hoyland said it best when he said that he would watch it the first time around, but if it came on again, he would flip to something else.

- Mark


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Leon
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Whilst I didn't find this particularly funny it was still nice light hearted romp.

It did drag a bit with the early back and forth of him smoking and her continual spraying and could probably be cut down or more varying hijinx added.

I think at the end it would be funny if one of his daughters had been caught or taken up smoking and John was to lose his lid. Just a thought.

Nice one.

Leon


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rdhay
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I liked this one. Well written and cute. I thought it captured the relationship well I didnt really have a problem with the girls at the end, but I think showing a picture of the daughter or some mention of her would help it feel more connected to the story.

Good job
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greg
Posted: September 21st, 2011, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Geez Louise haha.  

This was entertaining.  Dragged a bit in places with the repetition and would have liked a little more to be at stake than a hundred bucks, a wet cigarette, and some air freshener.  But it read well enough.  Maybe chisel it down a page or two and really tighten up those descriptions.  Nice job for a week.

Greg



Be excellent to each other
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ArtyDoubleYou
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't find this funny as such, it was more just 'nice' to me. 'Geeze, Louise' did make me chuckle a little though.

I thought it could have been a little shorter, it takes too long to get where it's going in the end.

Well written and light-hearted.

Arty.
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mcornetto
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was light-hearted...maybe perhaps a little too much because it didn't have any real oomph.  It's always a question on how much to escalate these sort of things.  Too little and you don't please people, too much and you don't please people.  Personally, I don't think it escalated enough.   However, looking at the comments it seems plenty of people were ok with how much it escalated so I guess you did well.  Good job for the week.

One thing you might watch is keeping things active - avoid...

"He didn't like that remark."

Revision History (1 edits)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  September 22nd, 2011, 4:11pm
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Dreamscale
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"He didn't like that remark." - is also an aside.
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SteveUK
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This was okay, a cute story that got a little repetitive.  I'm nut sure that I fully bought the way that John and Louise behaved - they were in their fifties, but with the constant blowing smoke and spraying air freshener at each other, acted more like teenagers.  On a plus note though, the dialogue was sharp and believable.

Congratulations on getting this finished for the OWC.
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Andrew
Posted: September 23rd, 2011, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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This was a charming little script. Whoever wrote it knows how to handle a story. It went on perhaps a page or two too long but it's no major problem. You went for a happy ending of playful rejuvenation of the couple that fell in love years before - the craggy 'oldies' arguing about smoke return to the carefree youngsters that would happily turn a hose on in the lounge with no care for destroying the arrangement. That was what I found cute.

I wasn't quite sure where you would go at one point and felt you'd develop the idea they're ostensibly arguing about his smoking habits when in fact it's their loathing of what their lives together have become. That's what fascinating about petty arguments - trying to find the real argument. But you went down a different angle and gave me a bit of a warm feeling that seems to have been felt by most.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 24th, 2011, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who read this.

It was fun to write. I've never written a script that was a low budget and had one setting. It was a challenge, but it was fun.

I'll be working on the rewrite.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 24th, 2011, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from CindyLKeller
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who read this.

It was fun to write. I've never written a script that was a low budget and had one setting. It was a challenge, but it was fun.

I'll be working on the rewrite.  

Cindy


Way to go, Cindy! I didn't know you were the writer of this one, but this one was in my top three. I think that what to me is real about this is that people will actually play like this. Maybe not to this level in the script, but they do, especially for a couple that have been together for a very long time.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 25th, 2011, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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In your top three?

I'm flattered.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Ryan1
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Noticed a few scripts slipped by me without reviewing them.  This was one of them.  I thought this was a well-written piece that had pretty good pacing and kept a even, lighthearted tone throughout the story.

I think it would have been more effective if you got to the "no smoking" bet before page 4.  Then you could add to the one-upsmanship that runs throughout the story.

"Lazy boy"  should actually be LA-Z-Boy as it's a registered trademark.

The girls at the end don't add much.  I would have rather the husband pull some kind of last second twist where he got the best of his wife for dousing him.  He just didn't seem like a guy who would take that lying down.

Good job on this one.
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CindyLKeller
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Hi Ryan,

Thank you for giving this one a read.

Good suggestions here. I've also gotten good suggestions from others, too and will certainly keep them in mind when I do the rewrite.

As for Lazy boy, I've seen it spelled both ways. I believe lazy boy refers to the type of chair (one that reclines, made by any company) while La-Z-Boy is a company that is known for making and selling their La-z-boy recliners and sofas.

Not many liked the girls. I guess I should get rid of them.

I'm going to work on it my next day off of work.

Thanks again,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 27th, 2011, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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The rewrite is up now.

Thank you, Don.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy,

Thanks for pointing me towards this new draft.
I'm eager to see what changes you made.
I thought this was an endearing story.

P. 3  I like John's rubber band attack, is that new?

P. 5  Plays better in my mind if you don't have Louise yell before the elastic attack.

I like the more character centric ending.
This read better to me this time.
The "sh*t-eaten grin" read a little awkward to me.

Overall though, I'd really like to see this one get produced.

Cheers,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
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A list of my scripts can be found here.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

Thanks for giving the rewrite a read for me. I'm glad it read better.
Yes, the rubberband was new, so was Louise's mask. I changed up a few things here and there, too.

I'd like to see it get produced, too. It seems like it could be pretty easy for a filmmaker to do.

Thanks again,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Timoff
Posted: November 12th, 2011, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Cindy!

As for me, I found just one good point – natural and easy-go dialogues. The rest is not convincing and weak, I have to say.

Just like that:

1. If it's a conflict of egos or wills it can't be built solely on a smoking | non-smoking. It would come out somewhere else - tastes, habits, whatever. Family quarrels never go just one direction.
2. I'm a smoker myself and 46 (close to 50, see?) - and I can tell you any grown-up smoker can abstain for hours without much effect and nerves (international flights, theaters, shows, movies, etc.).
3. Escalating the conflict you miss the internal motif for Louise - what's she actually trying to achieve? Get the husband's attention? respect? humiliate him? force him smoke outside? simply obey? It's not clear to me.

Good luck in strengthening your good points and avoiding weak.


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CindyLKeller
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Hi Timoff,

Thank you for giving this one a read.

I, too, was a smoker for 33 years.
It's true some people can go without a smoke if they want to, but I've also seen people smoke cigarette after cigarette after cigarette on their breaks at work, actually light a new one from the hots of a butt.  

I see what you are talking about, about the argument between the two in the script actually being about something else, but this short is only supposed to be about him smoking in the house, nothing more.

I had just written this to have a one location short script, to see if I could do it without it being just a talking heads script, ya know? I've never written a one location script before. It was an exercise.

Thanks again for the read and welcome to simplyscripts.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
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TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
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GeeFar
Posted: November 20th, 2011, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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This screenplay has much potential.
If you use the interplay between the empty nesters with more subtle elements rather than the bold physical comedy, you might have something.
In other words, more cerebral sparring and less water hoses!
I really enjoyed the dialogue.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: November 22nd, 2011, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey GeeFar,

Sorry it took so long to reply.
Getting ready for an early Thanksgiving day and writing a feature.  

Thanks for giving this one a read. Glad you liked the dialogue.

Like I said before, this was just an exercise  

and I still like the water hose. It was something unexpected that I wanted to throw in there for a laugh.

Is there anything you'd like for me to read?


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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