Stuck Here With You by Spirit Shot - Short - When Owen lands himself in detention, the last thing he expects to find there is romance. 7 pages - pdf, format

This wasn't too bad, although it seemed a bit cliched in my opinion. I caught a few spelling errors and some problems with the writing:

-Your openning two paragraphs weren't good. You should start with Owen geting hit in the head with the piece of paper, but instead, you told about his reaction to getting hit first, and then you explained what had happened. Write everything as it happens.

-Overal, the action paragraphs were over-detailed, and you used some unfilmables. How do we know Emma is notorious?

-OWEN
Yea, it does.

It's spelled "Yeah," but you used it again on page 6, so I'm not sure if you meant to spell it that way or not.

-EMMA
You know this one time-

Use”--“ instead of “-” to indicate that she was cut off.

-Most of the dialogue wasn't great. It wasn't very realistic at most parts, so work on that. Write how people really talk. And use better punctuation in dialogue.

-There was no "FADE OUT." at the end.

I like this. I think this would have been great with VO's or have the character break the fourth wall and talk to the audience. Also, the last VO makes this story seem as a flashback sequence. Why not add a scene at the beginning where Owen tells the story to his kid establishing this tale has already happened in the past?

Gabe

OWC rules respected:

You sure did. It was kept in the classroom only. Working with child actors could be costy, but if you'd do this as complete amateurs, you could ask the neighbour's kids to play it.

Originality:

It's a cute little story in a familiar setting, but not too creative. I think I've seen scenes like that on "Boy meets world"...

Structure:

You forgot the FADE OUT in the end and the descriptions were occasionally too detailed and could've been shortened easily. The dialogue wasn't to realistic, I'm sorry.

Overall impression:

Nice approach, that could have done with one or two proofreadings. But certainly not horrible!

Another total "meh", I'm afraid.  Very dull, uneventful, cliche filled dull, unrealistic romp.

Writing is not good.  Grammar and punctuation is not good. Sentence structure is not good.

You continually use descriptors in front of your characters - "Studious sixteen year old Owen", "the notorious sixteen year old Emma", "A nervous Owen", "a panicked Owen".  You don't want to write this way.  Reads poorly.

Gabe makes a good point about the final V.O. - as is, it makes zero sense, but if you changed this around and had Owen as a man, telling this tale to one of his kids, and then had Em,ma walk in as his wife, it would be so much more original and entertaining.  As it is now, it's completely forgettable, sorry to say.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

The setup for this was a sort of Breakfast Club situation, smart guy in detention with risk taking girl.

Average. The writing had lots of run on sentences. Dialog was okay. Story had a cute vibe to it. The last line VO has certainly been mentioned. It seems like a scene to a larger script.

This had some good moments, but as others have pointed out, it had a very familiar feel to it.  I think you could have taken the whole bad girl meets nice guy theme a lot further.  

Could have done a lot more with this but I liked it for what it was.  It was good spirited and while the scenario has been done before I do like it.  I think you could have added a little more since you had some extra pages to work with, but as it is it's not bad.  Not terrific but I enjoyed it as a nice read.

Good job.

Greg

This feels like a Matt Dressel, who always does a good job capturing one of those little Americana moments. It's good work, different from the suspense and horror most of us create for these challenges. I do think it's lacking something, and I'm not sure if it's a missing element, so much as the sharpening of the edges of what's here. For this to work, we need conflict and tension to build it up. We have that, but it's not sharp enough. Maybe you should start with he stealing his comic book and not giving it back. I know, it seems a little like a Lucy trick from Charlie Brown, but I don't think originality was the goal here. It needs some way to build up the tension which is ultimately broken by the kiss. Good effort, will stand up nicely if improved on rewrite.

I liked this one although it could be taken up a notch with regard to what's happening visually around them a bit. Also, I think the idea of him getting his bike stolen and that lands him in detention in the first place, might be a good way to begin. Of course, that wouldn't fit with the one location deal, but in a rewrite it might work very well. Maybe re-work the end so that this is completely present day and the beginnings of an interesting relationship between the two.

Sandra

The opener hits me wrong. A reaction to a latter described action.
Did we see the paper ball hit the kid or not?
Wish you’d specified they were the only two kids in the room.
If you did, I missed it somehow.
The script does follow the OWC guidelines.
Ack! One line on the last page? Kill some orphans, save a page.
The script has its charms, it’s a pretty good geek male fantasy.

Regards,
E.D.

This is the first time I've ever felt I had to bring up  that there was no FADE OUT or THE END.  It definitely let me confused - you need to add one.

Otherwise the script was cute.  It didn't really go anywhere particularly interesting, but it was romantic and written well enough that I'm sure it will appeal to some people.

Good work for a week.

Kind of a short take on the Breakfast Club.

You met the challenge, but I wish you had upped the stakes for the story itself.

Congrats on finishing the OWC

Cindy

Read it.

The grammar was covered earlier. No FADE OUT: The End.

Not bad. This could be the start of a movie perhapes? Easy read and the point was made.

Good job on getting it done.

Thanks for that. My thoughts;

# it kept to the rules and was different to most
# like others the others I found it cute but I didn't find much to interest me
# I thought it had potential to add dimension in a rewrite

All the best and well done for entering