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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Looney, Silly Day - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    Looney, Silly Day - OWC  (currently 3212 views)
jwent6688
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Just gonna echo what everybody else said. This story has potential. Definitely worthy of a re-write. And a re-write it seriously needs. Read some scipts and learn the craft a bit better. Would like to see this one cleaned up and more succinct...

James


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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I feel you.

Looney Silly Day. At least it's subtle, unlike Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds  

Without right grammar, 'John' sometimes is written as 'Johns'. And if I "hear" a "voice" say "take it, take it" is there something wrong with:

GHOST VOICE
  Take it! Take it!


or


VAGRANT
Take it! Take it!
(p3)

?


Quoted Text

The other man smiles and says "Good! Get ready for a fun
ride!"


Okay. That's just outright lazy. Stick to format. You are going to tick folks off with little stuff like that. Even if this was written under the gun with five minutes before deadline, it would have not been too much trouble to give MYSTERY MAN/VAGRANT the line.

I'm not into flashbacks all that much...some bits of past tense actions...

Now, all that aside, I didn't think this was a bad effort. Hey, even I get trippy sometimes. For some folks, they like, others...right over thier heads.

I didn't like it--but I didn't hate it.
Fair job on the OWC.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Heretic
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 1:  Haha.  He should be looking up at the Statue of Liberty...

Page 2:  Another one with a buncha VO, huh.  I feel like there's some stuff in the VO that's superfluous.  Surely there's a way to show us some of this stuff.

Seriously pushing both the low budget and the location restrictions, here.

Page 5:  The dialogue of the Figures reads very comically for me.

----

I'm out.  Not trying to be a stickler, but this isn't low budget, it isn't one location, and there are more than four actors (ie, the bodies).
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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I know I read this and commented on it the other day, but my comments seem to be gone. Not sure why, but I've been having problems with my computer lately.

I'm not sure the guy would have acted like this since he knew he was going to be seeing things.

What if the other guys slipped him this stuff? I think it would make for a better ending when he kills them.

My two cents

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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albinopenguin
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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the ending was okay for me. its one step away from mimicking the old "it was all a dream" trick (which is VERY cheap IMO). would give you more feedback, but you violated the one location rule. since i have a lot of scripts to catch up on, im in a bit of a hurry. eh writing, eh ending, eh script. can't even grade this one if i wanted to (because of the guideline infraction)


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rdhay
Posted: September 21st, 2011, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry I have to say I wasn't a huge fan of this one. The biggest problem for me was that I couldn't really get a clear sense of the tone. Also, I'm not sure about the creepy voices talking to each other - wouldn't they have only been creepy if he was listening to them?

Good effort, tho
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greg
Posted: September 21st, 2011, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I read this a few nights ago and forgot to comment.

I think the "apocalyptic" scenes need some work.  Some of the stuff...actually, all of the stuff that John says is pretty funny, so to set up the twist at the end I think what he says needs to be a little more serious.  "You crazy fuckers!  You finally did it!  Damn you!"  That just sounds funny to me.  

The ending will definitely receive mixed views but I liked it.  I thought it was a good spin on things.

Nice job for a week.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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ArtyDoubleYou
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Onen Hag Oll

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Like a few of the others this has potential. The writing needs to be tuned up a bit but I thought overall the story was pretty good.

Usually I don't see twists, if you class this as a twist, coming. But here I did. I think it was in the first flashback where someone is saying 'take it, take it' that gave it away for me. I think I may have to give you credit for getting me there though as it was the 'trippy' lead up that led me to that conclusion. It also managed to make me think of The Simpsons episode where Homer eats a load of chillis and starts seeing crazy things happen, though I assumed this guy wasn't taking chillis. Was worried that it was going to end in the 'it was all just a dream' vein, but it actually happened, from a certain perspective of course. Basically I didn't feel ripped off at the end.

Not sure it sticks to the challenge rules with locations and budget though.

Arty.
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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I want to thank everyone for taking a look at this! I really appreciate it.

And please although I think I got everyones entry, if by chance I missed one or some let me know.

I do apologize for the various problems with the grammar and structure. I'm working on improving that right now. And I hope to do a much better job in the near future. I want to make reading one of my scripts an easy experience, not a choir!

And some people said they could see the great Charlton Heston ghost somewhere in the story, well to be honest I could to!, Dunno why he popped into my head while writting this down. lol


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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Chore* lol Damn I should work all night and come in to post.


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