Thanks very much for the reads, everyone. Much appreciated. Sorry again, at least to Jeff, about the .rtf business.
To all:
Obviously the big issue here is confusion. The story's confusing and some of the description is confusing. Regarding the story -- I don't really have too much to say about that. I figure it's my job to rewrite in such a way that the story is less confusing (to a certain extent; it's also the audience's job to figure out what it means to them), but I don't think I should explain what I was trying to do outside of that.
Regarding the description, I'll try to rewrite this in a more clear way. The way I imagine it, she opens the closet doors, and she's looking out from the closet, into her room. Does that make sense? Part of the reason that I didn't describe it too much was because I didn't want it to sound like visual effects would be necessary (which, the way I've mentally storyboarded, they wouldn't be). As for Lucy and Adult Lucy, I toyed around with describing her differently but I couldn't really find a way that didn't sound silly. Might go with Lucy Age 7 and Lucy Age 25 in the rewrite.
Jeff
Will take a look at the description. I'm not sure I agree but I'll see where I can clarify. As for the story...you shoulda seen it before! Ha ha. But I'll definitely keep shortening it in the rewrite. I think I'll also add a physical example for the story, provided I can think of an appropriate one (ie, she demonstrates with something in the room, or draws, or something, dunno). Or, in my usual stubborn fashion, I may just conclude that people need to be happy with listening to the story of the universe without additional visual stimuli.
Don
Thank you. My assumption about the two young Lucy's was the same. I may try a draft where I try to make it very clear exactly what is going on, and then move backwards from that. I prefer things to be oblique. I think that's where the strength of art lies.
Gary
Thanks for the kind words and fair enough about the story. I will rewrite, but I may also keep it long. Maybe I can find something to do with it.
Gabe
That's a good point about having a stronger cue early on about death. I'll work that in. I intentionally stayed away from the term FLASHBACK because that's not really in the spirit of the script.
Sandra
That's interesting. I will definitely look at what I can do to make Adult Lucy's appearance work a little better. Perhaps the suggestion of something special/magical/abstract immediately before she appears would work.
Michael
I could agree with you about the jumble. I'll definitely focus on making the character arc more clear as it's really what defines anything remotely linear.
Kev
Thanks for putting so much time into this one! I'm honoured that you were confused yet gave it a second chance. I'm not sure that I can give you an entirely satisfactory explanation. I would imagine that the philosophy of the script is that the creation of existence was the creation of imperfection and that the expansion of the universe is therefore an expansion of imperfection; time, then, measures the distance between the scattered elements of perfection as they progress further away from each other. The angst of inherent imperfection is the ultimate angst, just as the grief at losing a parent is for a child the ultimate grief. This is a story about things moving closer, and since everything is the centre of the universe, anything anywhere moving closer together is healing.
Brett
Format shmormat! ...but seriously, sorry 'bout the rtf. Format on the PDF should be alright, except for the slugs, which I won't get into.
Cindy
Thank ya. Couple guesses you wrote this! Interesting
Pia
Thanks for the kind words.
Lexalicious
Funny, I never thought of Narnia. What an obvious parallel. Strange! Sorry 'bout the rtf.
Darren James Seeley
I didn't even think about those words. Thanks for pointing that out. That wouldn't have occurred to me. Thank you very much for the kind words!
Darren James
Thanks to you as well for pointing out that those words threw you off. Again, I wouldn't have thought of that. That said, I feel no compulsion to impress readers, and being possessed of a vocabulary is not tantamount to pretension. Thanks for the kind comments.
Catherine
Thank you for the kind words and I can understand what you mean about the adults. I will try to address this in a rewrite.
Mark
Thanks for putting effort into this one! Much appreciated. As I said above to Gabe, I don't think it would be reasonable to use FLASHBACKs as that term refers to the passage of linear time. I will have a look at what I can do to clarify this story a little.
RD
Thank you very much. Encouraging words.
Rebekah
Thank you. Endearing is a nice word to hear!
Jordan
Thank you sir.
Greg
You are not alone in confusion
Although the script doesn't explicitly draw the connection, the reason the story applies is that the current theory of the universe yields our understanding of what exactly time is measuring, as well as of course reminding us that we are all the centre of the universe. My rewrite will hopefully offer further clarity.
Arty
No apologies necessary! Thanks for reading. I clearly need to put more effort into explaining what exactly is physically going on, which hopefully will in turn inform the story as a whole more.
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Thanks very much for reading everyone, and I know my responses aren't a massive clarification but I hope that they're helpful.