Lucy's Closet by Zayin - Short - A bedtime story helps a young girl get over her fear of the closet. 10 pages - pdf, format

Where to begin...where to begin...

First of all, you should get your hands on some screenwriting software.  You'll turn alot of potential readers away when they see a WORD DOC format...which is strange, cause on the thread, it's listed as a PDF, which it is not.

I applaud you for going for a very ambitious angle on this, but you definitely didn't pull it off.  It's very difficult to follow, based on poor Slug use.  Lots and lots of really awkwardly structured lines, that read kind of humorous at times, which is definitely not what you're after.  Other lines are extremely vague and hard to follow what you're even trying to say...or show.

The story stuff early on is really a yawner, and I can see why Lucy crashed right to sleep.  I mean it's over an entire page with nothing going on in Lucy's bedroom..pure visual Hell.

I can tell you have alot to learn on the fine art and science of screenwriting, but this is a good effort to start.  My advice would be to keep it simple until you know what you're doing.  Work on your grammar and sentence structure.  Learn about Slugs and make sure what you use makes sense and "shows" your readers exactly where we are in the script.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

I really liked this.  I liked the whole thing with the closet door.  I'm not sure I understood entirely what was going on, but I liked the idea. For something knocked out in less than a week, this has a lot of potential.

One location: check
4 actors: check (sort of - two adult women, one adult man, two children.  I'm going to assume that Lucy 7 and Lucy 5 can be played by the same actor with minor costume change provided they are not in the scene together)
Low Budget: check

Don

Very imaginative. I liked what I understood, but I couldn’t figure out what the end was supposed to mean. It would look great on film but the audience would be lost. BTW, I fell asleep before Lucy did when told her bedtime story. The alternate bedrooms were cool.

I liked the closet but it was confusing when you were going back in time and present. That can easily be fixed by putting flashback next to the slug. Also, if the issue was about dealing with death, start from the beginning like Lucy asking her mom about dad.

Hope this helps
Gabe

I thought this was done quite well. I do feel confused about how Adult Lucy shows up and then Anna again at the end. I think if Adult Lucy was there, we need to be shown this kind of paradox clearly in the beginning, that way she doesn't "come out of the blue".

I think that "the story" that Anna tells might be too long as it stands because there's nothing visually stimulating that's happening except for, for example: Lucy yawns. If the character's are yawning, we might be too.

The idea is a good one, it just needs some re-working.

Sandra

Well there goes my thought that this was written by Sandra in a tame mood.  Unless, of course, she just commented to throw us off the trail.

I think the concept behind this is excellent.  An adult dealing with childhood trauma in layers or in this case closets.

I just think it needs to be structured more succinctly.   There isn't a clear feeling for the story line.  It's all kind of a jumble.  At least that's how I see it.

So take it from those murky depths and shine some surface light on it.  Wrap it in a package that is the Adult Lucy's story.

Good work for a week.

First, I applaud efforts like this. I like the physics/nature of reality/memory stuff. But this did not grab me, and I really tried. Either I'm tired, or not smart enough, but I have no idea what's going on. And I reread some parts too. So I'll check back after the reveal and see the writer's explanation for WTF is going on here. Or maybe I'll come back when I have a full pot of coffee or a brain transplant.

Sincerely, though, I really do admire this kind of effort and don't want to discourage it at all. And the writing seems mostly competent. I just have no clue what's going on, and by the end, I couldn't stop thinking about tomorrow.s Patriots game.

I was confused, but intrigued, which is better than bored.
This was a very ambitious script for a OWC, I applaud you.
However, learning proper format will help this complex tale.
I’m unsure if you can do the room switch well without CG.
If it requires CG, that may blow the budget rule, IMO.
I’d like to see a cleaned up version of this.

Regards,
E.D.

Pretty neat story, but as the others have mentioned it needs to be reworked to make it clearer.

Congrats on completing the OWC

Cindy

Word Doc Jeff?  Not on my laptop. Looks very normal formatting to me.

Heavy dramas are not my thing to read or watch, but I think you did a good job here. Story works and the writing was fine. Definitely filled the requirements of this OWC. One of the better ones I've read so far.  

Good work!

It's been fixed.  Originally, it was a WORD doc.

Quoted from Dreamscale It's been fixed.  Originally, it was a WORD doc.

Oh okay. Maybe the writer sent in a different draft...I wonder if I can fix mine and ask Don to swap?  

OWC rules respected:

If you'd use the same child for Lucy (5) and Lucy (7) it fits. One room... actually yes, but you'd have to do a lot of work on it.

Originality:

Well, the closet thing reminded me to the Narnia-Saga, but the general idea behind it seemed nice. I was a bit confused, I assume this movie would be very philosophical.

Structure:

Bad. The title page is missing, the slugs aren't properly used and the script is not in pdf. Please work with a screenwriting software next time, Celtx is free!

Overall opinion:

Okay script, could still be improved, but nothing terrible.

Your FADE IN is supposed to be flush left and not flush right. Nobody else seems to have brought it up. Odd. Usually, it's the first thing folks on the site will gripe about.

Anyway, moving on...

Okay...there is, early on, a few things that are bugging me. That's words which I am familiar with but either I wonder what they are doing there because you don't see (read) them everyday and they run the risk of baffling a reader or two...and I have to STOP to see if those words are correctly spelled and/or look up the defininitions to see if I was right, you were right etc..

Once I'm over that hurdle, I can read the rest of this. (Remember: I had to stop reading a few minutes before.) and it was worth it as I thought it ended up being well-written and slightly inventive. If it wasn't for the great vocabulary, (and the minor nitpickin' of the lack of title page, the Right handed FADE IN) I would say this is the best of the bunch, even better than my own.

Good job overall. Might make my shortlist.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Oh okay. Maybe the writer sent in a different draft...I wonder if I can fix mine and ask Don to swap?

The pdf was received before the deadline.  In my haste to get the scripts up, I overlooked it.  

Don

Has the potential to be a really sweet story. I didn't understand a lot of what you were trying to say to us. I am sure it is clear in your head as to what the 'point' is.
I liked the dialogue and didn't mind the bedtime story - it sets up the fact that Lucy is a very clever little girl and Anna some kind of scientist?
Anyway - there were a couple of words that I had to look up (which threw me off rhythm) and then found them to be unnecessary. Maybe I should know the meaning of these words already but why use a pretentious word when a simple one would work and help the read.
This would stretch quite nicely into some kind of Dr Who story.

There's a lovely flow to the language and something distinct and charming in the character of young Lucy.
The adult characters seem like devices rather than people, young Lucy's perception, I guess, but it drags the story down, IMHO.
The notion of giving a child a bedtime story about consciousness gave me a shudder.

I want to like this one.  I really do.  But I don't quite understand everything enough to give a really honest opinion, because it is a very confusing script.

Usually, I'm not one to gripe when something's not labeled a flashback if common sense can tell me if it is or not, but in this script, I think it is a necessity.  There's just too much back and forth and too many time lapses.

I'll go back and take a look at this one again to see if I can read any more into it, or see if I can figure things out I didn't get before.

Ambitious, though.  I liked that aspect and what you were trying to do.  Just has to be a little less confusing.  I have two guesses as to whose this could be.

- Mark

I read this twice and had to think about it before posting.  So, let me come out the closet (so to speak) and say this was a deep and interesting read. Can I use layers and mirrors all in the same sentence, oh yes I can.

Loss,  the past, the ability to change one's past, trust in the future, a feeling you can see the future etc etc all in one OWC. Humm, deep potential - just up my street.

Ok, not always clear, but it beats knives, guns and creatures from the dead for me.

With so many scripts it is a moving feast but I think this could the one that will come out best from a rewrite.

All the best RD
All the best.

I like this one. It is very endearing IMO. It does get pretty confusing, but that's fixable. Good job

This was a strange on, I  am not sure if I really understand it though, these kind of stories sometimes make my head spin. It was definitly an original idea for the challenge, so congrats. Good work on this OWC.

This was one of those scripts I would have liked to enjoy more.  Girl's afraid of the closet, mom gives her a lesson on the expanding universe.  Then girl inspects the closet and all of these flashbacks begin.  I'm trying to figure out what the connection is between Anna's speech and the flashbacks because I'm honestly not fully getting it.  

Was she hiding in the closet when her folks were having those discussions?  Is that what scared her so much?  But then that wouldn't really explain why her older self would tell her that her folks are lying.  I dunno - I'd be very interested to hear what the author was going for.  

I didn't dislike this by any means but I felt it could have had more direction and clarity.

Good job for a week.

Greg

I have to be honest this just confused me. It's the kind of thing I imagine if I watched it would make a whole lot more sense to me, but written down I couldn't grasp what was going on.

There were a few times where you mention both adult and young Lucy, such as 'Adult Lucy puts her arm around Lucy', in the same line that sounded odd to me.

Too confusing for my small brain, sorry I can't be more helpful.

Arty.

Thanks very much for the reads, everyone.  Much appreciated.  Sorry again, at least to Jeff, about the .rtf business.

To all:

Obviously the big issue here is confusion.  The story's confusing and some of the description is confusing.  Regarding the story -- I don't really have too much to say about that.  I figure it's my job to rewrite in such a way that the story is less confusing (to a certain extent; it's also the audience's job to figure out what it means to them), but I don't think I should explain what I was trying to do outside of that.

Regarding the description, I'll try to rewrite this in a more clear way.  The way I imagine it, she opens the closet doors, and she's looking out from the closet, into her room.  Does that make sense?  Part of the reason that I didn't describe it too much was because I didn't want it to sound like visual effects would be necessary (which, the way I've mentally storyboarded, they wouldn't be).  As for Lucy and Adult Lucy, I toyed around with describing her differently but I couldn't really find a way that didn't sound silly.  Might go with Lucy Age 7 and Lucy Age 25 in the rewrite.

Jeff

Will take a look at the description.  I'm not sure I agree but I'll see where I can clarify.  As for the story...you shoulda seen it before!  Ha ha.  But I'll definitely keep shortening it in the rewrite.  I think I'll also add a physical example for the story, provided I can think of an appropriate one (ie, she demonstrates with something in the room, or draws, or something, dunno).  Or, in my usual stubborn fashion, I may just conclude that people need to be happy with listening to the story of the universe without additional visual stimuli.

Don

Thank you.  My assumption about the two young Lucy's was the same.  I may try a draft where I try to make it very clear exactly what is going on, and then move backwards from that.  I prefer things to be oblique.  I think that's where the strength of art lies.

Gary

Thanks for the kind words and fair enough about the story.  I will rewrite, but I may also keep it long.  Maybe I can find something to do with it.

Gabe

That's a good point about having a stronger cue early on about death.  I'll work that in.  I intentionally stayed away from the term FLASHBACK because that's not really in the spirit of the script.

Sandra

That's interesting.  I will definitely look at what I can do to make Adult Lucy's appearance work a little better.  Perhaps the suggestion of something special/magical/abstract immediately before she appears would work.

Michael

I could agree with you about the jumble.  I'll definitely focus on making the character arc more clear as it's really what defines anything remotely linear.

Kev

Thanks for putting so much time into this one!  I'm honoured that you were confused yet gave it a second chance.  I'm not sure that I can give you an entirely satisfactory explanation.  I would imagine that the philosophy of the script is that the creation of existence was the creation of imperfection and that the expansion of the universe is therefore an expansion of imperfection; time, then, measures the distance between the scattered elements of perfection as they progress further away from each other.  The angst of inherent imperfection is the ultimate angst, just as the grief at losing a parent is for a child the ultimate grief.  This is a story about things moving closer, and since everything is the centre of the universe, anything anywhere moving closer together is healing.

Brett

Format shmormat!  ...but seriously, sorry 'bout the rtf.  Format on the PDF should be alright, except for the slugs, which I won't get into.  

Cindy

Thank ya.  Couple guesses you wrote this!  Interesting

Pia

Thanks for the kind words.

Lexalicious

Funny, I never thought of Narnia.  What an obvious parallel.  Strange!  Sorry 'bout the rtf.

Darren James Seeley

I didn't even think about those words.  Thanks for pointing that out.  That wouldn't have occurred to me.  Thank you very much for the kind words!

Darren James

Thanks to you as well for pointing out that those words threw you off.  Again, I wouldn't have thought of that.  That said, I feel no compulsion to impress readers, and being possessed of a vocabulary is not tantamount to pretension.  Thanks for the kind comments.

Catherine

Thank you for the kind words and I can understand what you mean about the adults.  I will try to address this in a rewrite.

Mark

Thanks for putting effort into this one!  Much appreciated.  As I said above to Gabe, I don't think it would be reasonable to use FLASHBACKs as that term refers to the passage of linear time.  I will have a look at what I can do to clarify this story a little.

RD

Thank you very much.  Encouraging words.

Rebekah

Thank you.  Endearing is a nice word to hear!

Jordan

Thank you sir.

Greg

You are not alone in confusion   Although the script doesn't explicitly draw the connection, the reason the story applies is that the current theory of the universe yields our understanding of what exactly time is measuring, as well as of course reminding us that we are all the centre of the universe.  My rewrite will hopefully offer further clarity.

Arty

No apologies necessary!  Thanks for reading.  I clearly need to put more effort into explaining what exactly is physically going on, which hopefully will in turn inform the story as a whole more.

---

Thanks very much for reading everyone, and I know my responses aren't a massive clarification but I hope that they're helpful.

I'd overlooked this one, which is a huge shame. This is easily one of my favourites. It appears to be criminally underappreciated. You're playing around with time and reality in a cute way. Were you considering The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe when utilising the closet? It's a very visual means of exploring grief and acceptance. To me, that decision evoked Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. For a wee while, this script made me think of My Life with a similar underpinning of reconciling death with the guilt of leaving your child to fend for themselves. Can there be anything more guilt inducing to a young parent? The dialogue of youngest Lucy was very cute and organic. Clearly you gave this a lot of thought.

In terms of execution, there's an element of confusion that - I suspect - mirrors your own confusion in disentangling the themes of the script, and a way to make it all visually legible and emotionally relatable.

This is a very promising script. The fact that Don himself commented says it all really.

Okay read it.

Writting seems okay to me.

Story has an interesting premise, even if its a little hard to wrap my wits around.

Low budget so it works there.

Good job on getting it done.