Remnant by Pii Anttonen (Pii)
- Short - Trading in immortality can be a dirty business. But if you're going to die anyway, why wouldn't you take the chance? 8 pages - pdf, format

Cool concept. I liked the twist. Nothing else to say except that I liked this one. Not sure what other people might say though.

Gabe

The concept here and "twist" at the end is applauded, but the writing and execution isn't very good.

Is the title correct?  I'm not familiar with that word, nor do I see it the dictionary. If it's indeed a typo, that's a pretty bad start.

You start out with a 5 line passage, which also is a very bad start.

Your writing itself is very awkward...almost stilted in a way.  Odd descriptions and phrasings throughout.  Passive writing.  You use both "peek hole" and peep hole", which is strange.  The use of the montage doesn't work for me, and could be done much more effectively.

This feels rather bloated up front for no real gain.  The ending does work.  Does the overall story really make sense, though?   I don't know...I don't see how Ed would be able to pull this scam off, over and over.

I'd say this is one of the better entries so far, but needs some attention to the writing and overall execution.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

My thoughts;

# overall I liked it. It suited the challenge and kept simple.
# what happened to the payment for the first customer? Went missing. Not sure ED would agree to that.
# dialogue seemed to be a bit  stretched in the last half.  I could see where the next client was going but we seemed to take a while to get there.

But... there seemed a nice irony in trying to escape life through some backstreet venture only to find out( ok they don't) that it doesn't work. Something circular about it.

Well done for entering.

This was cool. I liked the technique of achieving immortality. The story was believable, characters and dialog were okay and the ending was a tweak different than expected. The writing was a bit prose like with words like eclectic. Also avoid descriptions like “other standard neurological procedures” damn hard to visualize.

I had no problem with the writing. The main thing is the dialogue, and that sounded very natural here. Nice job in that.

Actually, come to think of it, I basically liked this, though the concept didn't blow me away and I anticipated the ending. So why did I like it? Believe it or not, the writing. The description was a little awkward in the set up, but after that everything flowed rather nicely, I guess because the dialogue was effective. So I would have to say: thumbs up. Congrats on a nice easy to read script.

Quoted from Dreamscale Is the title correct?  I'm not familiar with that word, nor do I see it the dictionary. If it's indeed a typo, that's a pretty bad start.

The actual title is Remnant.  Pretty good title, actually.

I like the sci-fi take on the challenge and this script fits the parameters perfectly.  The story reminds me a lot of some tv show episode I can't think of now.  Maybe Outer Limits or Tales from the Crypt, where a scientist was selling new bodies to diseased people.  Damn, I wish I could remember where I saw that.

Try to break up those big opening paragraphs.


Some good dialogue exchanges and I like the skeezy description of the lab.

Only glaring logic issue I could think of is when Gerald looks at Steve's old body.  You give us this physical description of Steve:

"Steve is in a bad shape, physically weak.  His bloodshot
eyes and slowness of his movements tell the tale of harsh
illness."

I don't think Ed would be able to "clean up" Steve's body enough to fool a smart guy like Gerald.  And, if you think about it, doing this wouldn't be good for Ed's repuitation in this underground industry.  People would stop coming to him if they thought they were gonna get stuck in the body of some disease-ridden junkie or something.

Other than that, this was a solid entry.  Good job.

This is a solid piece of work. The beginning was a bit thick in the black stuff, but it picks up as we move along. Quite the ending.

Sandra

It had a good twist on a slightly cliche subject - so at the very least you brought something new to the table.

I think you should get into the story a bit quicker though, skip some of that architectural detail.

There were a couple of oddities in here that I thought I would bring up.  The first was "rocky chair".  I wasn't certain what you meant by that, at first I thought rocking chair but I don't think so after looking at it again.  Now I think you mean unsteady office chair.

The second was "he got fried in the monorail transit". Hunh?  Where you just trying to say Ed was lying because that's a lame way to go - if it's even possible.

Anyway, good week for a work, uh, work for a week.

This read is confusing me with a lack of slugs for the door.
Less descriptives and clearer layout would help this along.
The dialogue works for me, a little background would’ve helped.
Some casual conversation to allude to the general culture, etc.
Overall, it worked for me, despite some chunky passages.
The twist brought it together, good OWC script.

Regards,
E.D.

OK, so the title was misspelled, correct?  It's been changed now.

This wasn't bad. Twist wasn't exactly that surprising, but it worked.

Bit dialogue heavy for my tastes, and it was a bit clunky in places, but definitely one of the better efforts I have read so far.

Very nice.  

I liked the story and its ending. It left me with a smile.

Not a whole lot to say about this one other than it was pretty neat.


Cindy

Chunky writing in the beginning, but other than that I liked it.

I liked the ending, but I'm wondering what Ed will do with Gerald's old body. Who's going to want to trade with that?

One of the better ones for sure and I think I've read them all.  

I felt compelled to read this because I wrote a series pilot once called The Remnant. I’m glad to find our premises are totally different.

I think there’s some good writing here but the end twist is implausible. Ed would be an idiot to conduct business in this manner. It would only take someone like Steve going to authorities to ruin him.

I wish more writers would quit trying to force a big twist at the end of a story and focus on twists and turns throughout the story. Stories should be filled with twists, not just one long buildup to a twist at the end.

The premise is intriguing and the writing has potential. Needs a little more development.

Good luck.


Breanne

Name redacted, hmmm. Does the software insert that or is that the author's contribution? It's just very formal, which is obviously fine, but it spoke to me that this person means business.

The script itself has a good little concept and it all wraps itself up nicely with the logline effectively working as the punchline. The thing I like about this script is it works on a simple A to B narrative on the page but also works allegorically should the reader so choose. This draft needs work but suggests to me the writer is someone who doesn't just dive straight onto the page.

There are certainly dystopian underpinnings in this world and Gerald's misfortune obviously tells us this is an alive and well black market with a technology and science acquired presumably from [insert any number of interesting possibilities]. Seeing only such a small window of this world - laden with all its thematic potential - left me a little unsatsfied. Ultimately that's a compliment as much as a slap in the face criticism.

Without question the most promising of the batch I've read so far. Intrigued to see who wrote this.

I won't get into too much depth here, because while I felt this was talk heavy, I didn't really mind it. (It seems some here have a problem with dialog heavy scenes. Maybe it's just me. A few might have trouble with the four line blocks early on; I didn't)...

But this is, my favorite thus far.. I even liked it better than my own. Stands out in spades. I really liked it a lot.

Nothing more to add. Nothing too objectionable or questionable.

This was good but had two issues.  The first is that the twist I saw coming a mile away.  The second is that the twist doesn't really work IMO because Steve is described to be in "bad shape, physically weak" due to heart failure.  Even if Ed were to put a bunch of makeup on the body I think it would be evident that this body is not healthy.  

Also break up those lengthy descriptions at the beginning.  Not the prettiest thing to look at.

So this was good.  Imaginative.  Eerie in a way.  Creative.  Nice job.

Greg

My new favourite. Loved the characters and concept. Ed was a nice suprise as many would write his part as a mad scientist. He comes over as an arms or drugs dealer!
The dialogue was great and the twist was excellent (though I saw it coming a mile off - well, when Gerald turned up!) but then again I figured out Seven, Fight Club and Sixth Sense in the first act!
Some of the descriptions were a little overpadded but that is my only criticism.
Very good.

An interesting story, perhaps a slightly overfamiliar setting, but I liked the twist.

Didn't really get the relevance of the title.  A little devoid of emotion maybe.

Haven't got much else to add, a strong piece of work.

Leon

This was a good story with a nice twist at the end.  I didn't see it coming.  The characterization was strong.

The only problem I had with this script was that you were too wordy in describing things.  The opening sequence, for example:

Quoted Text The large dimly lit room features an eclectic assortment of boxes, electronic equipment and computers. Two long tables are placed in the middle of the room, almost like operating tables. Drapes cover a side of the room, hiding several small alcoves. A burly man, ED, sits in a rocky chair between the two tables, reading something from an electronic reader device. He is the spitting image of someone you'd expect to find in a place like this or in a bar fight. He seems quite bored.

Could be cut down to:

Quoted Text A large dark room, cluttered with various computers and electronic equipment.  Two hospital gurneys take up the center of this room. ED sits on a rocking chair between the gurneys.  A large, unkempt man, he reads from an electronic reader.

The word count, here, was cut in half.  There's nothing wrong with leaving a little to the imagination.

If you were to trim the fat, you should be able to cut about three pages off this script.


Phil

As I go:

Page 1:  Skimmed the massive chunk of description.

Thoughts:

Well, I didn't make many notes during that one.  The script is very straightforward, mostly because it doesn't really do anything but lead up to the twist.  The dialogue is fine but not interesting.  It's the premise that's the strength here, which is good, but I think you basically need a totally different plot to make any use of the premise.

The strength of sci-fi is that it allows us to examine an aspect of our culture through the metaphor of a scientifically advanced (or otherwise) culture.  This premise could definitely yield that, but it doesn't currently.  As it is now, it's just an inconsequential little gotcha.

I'm sure with some more time you know where you want this story to go and I think the premise could yield a very strong short.

Thanks for the fun read!

Overall, I wasn't a fan of the writing, but I liked the story (although I did see the twist coming).

Good job

I liked the story here but like a few others said it was a bit overwritten.

The following line was one that really stood out for me...

'Ed presumably starts the body's heart with a paddle-like
device'

Why 'presumably'? You don't need it there, plus when it's gone 'device' will move up a line saving you a line in the process. I like white space.

Good idea that needs a few re-writes.

Arty.

Arty, this is an example of what's referred to as an "orphan" - a single word that rests on its own line, usually caused by overwriting, and usually easily done away with.

I like the ending, very much.  Nice effort.
One wonders if the rebuilts see themselves coming and going on the street, but I guess Ed's Body Shop is unusual in that he recycles so quickly.

Thanks again Dreamscale, I was genuinely starting to think you hated kids without parents with all the mentions of it I've seen.

I feel for the poor little tikes all alone by themselves.  I just want them to have some friends to hang out with whenever possible.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou I liked the story here but like a few others said it was a bit overwritten. The following line was one that really stood out for me... 'Ed presumably starts the body's heart with a paddle-like device' Why 'presumably'? You don't need it there, plus when it's gone 'device' will move up a line saving you a line in the process. I like white space. Good idea that needs a few re-writes. Arty.

Those adverbs poison our very souls, don't they? Seriously though, I thought this moved along well, but the beginning gave me a little trouble. I'd have to go back and read again, but yes, that's what I remember having trouble with.

Probably good for us all to keep in mind. Keep descriptions very short early on.

This one is a very good story. I would love to play around with it because it really is excellent. It just reached a level of average from what it could have been in my mind. Thinking back though, this one really does rock in its essence.

Just a note on the title: Needs work or some kind of a solid tie in that I might have missed because I was cramming reads into a short period of time.

Sandra

Read this and can see why it won. The story is solid, but I have to agree with others that the writing is a bit much. The pace of the script could definitely benefit from some tighter writing.

The twist is nice, but I would wonder why these people wouldn't come back. Just because he told them not too? I assume there'd be some pretty pissed off customers with nothing else to lose after they find they just got a sick body.

Overall, Very good entry. Liked it and congrats...

James

Twilite Zonish. Nice.

Still a bit shell shocked about this being selected as the Writer's Choice, did not expect it at all. Thanks to everybody who voted for it. I'm afraid this'll be a pretty epic message where I'll go over the feedback in detail. Nobody's probably quite this interested, but I hope you'll allow me to indulge myself in a bit of narcissistic fun just this once.

What makes the result the most surprising is that for me, this was more like the 12 Hour Challenge. I have been away from the community for the past 5-6 years and just made my return on Wednesday, two days before the deadline. But even then I didn't notice this thing until Thursday morning and saw that I only had like two days to get anything done. And to add to that, I was going to be busy all day Friday so I had just the one day to do anything about it.

I decided to give it my best shot anyways and started working on an idea. It all came from the twist, I worked that out first and then built the thing around it. Nothing spectacular since this really is just something thrown together in a panic. I'm actually really surprised that people liked the twist as much as they did, since I saw it as a really routine scifi-hook. But I'm glad to see that I apparently underestimated its effectiveness.

So, now I just needed to write it.

Which briskly made me clean my stove and wash some dishes. Then watched some QI. Lurked and wrote to some discussion forums about fairly inconsequential things. Watched some more QI. Surfed around YouTube for a while, followed by more QI.

Suddenly I realised that 6 hours had passed since I had launched my trusty Screenwriter and I had nothing but "FADE IN:" to show for my truly herculean effort. Such being the case, I briskly watched some more QI. Finally, I decided to give up.

Time for food, was my thinking. Need to make some. Couldn't be bothered, so I wrote the movie instead. Funny how things sometimes work out.

I'm really thankful of all the and comments that people have made. I'll definitely work on another draft and post it to SimplyScripts proper incorporating some of your excellent suggestions. Now to respond to the feedback:

Quoted from Reef Dreamer # what happened to the payment for the first customer? Went missing. Not sure ED would agree to that.

The implication is that that was sorted between the last lines between the two and the spiffy montage. I guess I forgot to imply it.

Quoted from grademan The writing was a bit prose like with words like eclectic. Also avoid descriptions like �other standard neurological procedures� damn hard to visualize.

I have a tendency to play around with language and write somewhat prosaic passages to my action elements. I assume that's why some people have called the writing stilted and awkward as well. I usually allow myself to go wild with my action elements when I write the first draft, just for laughs. Then I edit it down to more functional and straightforward form. However, this time I didn't have time to go back and do it and even though I tried to avoid it when writing the draft, old habits die hard. I guess some of it slipped past me.

As for "other standard neurological procedures", yes that was a bit of a cheat. I mean, we've all seen on hospital shows and movies what they do, it just seemed clunky to describe it all.

Quoted from Ryan1 Try to break up those big opening paragraphs.

I've read in several books about screenwriting and some interviews that 5 lines of opening description is something that is still acceptable as long as it's the absolute hard limit. But since so many people have commented on that, I'll definitely break it up more in the revised draft(s). Essentially, I weighed the option of making the individual paragraphs a bit long as opposed to filling most of the first page with description and action. I wanted to get to the dialogue as soon on the page as possible.

But yeah, I'll revise that.

Quoted from mcornetto There were a couple of oddities in here that I thought I would bring up.  The first was "rocky chair".  I wasn't certain what you meant by that, at first I thought rocking chair but I don't think so after looking at it again.  Now I think you mean unsteady office chair.

This was just a result of the extremely fast schedule. I usually pick up things like these in editing and make them clear and consistent. The same goes with 'peep hole' vs. 'peek hole' that someone else commented about.

Quoted from Dreamscale OK, so the title was misspelled, correct?  It's been changed now.

The title was always spelled correctly in the title page of the script itself. For some reason, it was misspelled here on the forums. It might've been my fault if I messed up the submission form. I did it pretty late in the day.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I think there�s some good writing here but the end twist is implausible. Ed would be an idiot to conduct business in this manner. It would only take someone like Steve going to authorities to ruin him.

Ok, this is a point that many people brought up and I was actually very surprised to see it. I mean, this is how conmen work in my understanding. They go somewhere to practice their fraudulent trade, make as much profit as they can before they alert the attention of the local officials and then move on. Then they repeat the process. I was thinking of it to be similar to the fake doctors of old wild west that went about cheating people out of their money with fake elixirs and potions. That is also why the base of operations was so run down. And that is why Ed had to use scouts to get the customers to him.

Quoted from Andrew Does the software insert that or is that the author's contribution? It's just very formal, which is obviously fine, but it spoke to me that this person means business.

It wasn't the software. I'm a very formal person.

Quoted from Andrew This draft needs work but suggests to me the writer is someone who doesn't just dive straight onto the page. [...] Seeing only such a small window of this world - laden with all its thematic potential - left me a little unsatsfied. Ultimately that's a compliment as much as a slap in the face criticism.

I don't. I outline furiously before I do anything. I need to let the world come alive in my head before I can write a word. That's why the world is pretty over-established and worked out for just one scene. That's what I really like to think about.

Quoted from greg The second is that the twist doesn't really work IMO because Steve is described to be in "bad shape, physically weak" due to heart failure.  Even if Ed were to put a bunch of makeup on the body I think it would be evident that this body is not healthy.

Somebody else commented on this as well, which was another surprise to me. Surely someone who can transfer consciousness from one body to another has the technology to make even a sick body appear to be in a pristine state. Also, the reason why the people don't realise immediately that there's something wrong with their new bodies is that the implication is that you'll feel like crap for a couple of weeks after every transfer. It's like after surgery, you'll feel like shit even the operation fixed the problem you had.

I tried to work in clues about this to it throughout, but I'll have to establish this better in the next draft.

Quoted from Leon Didn't really get the relevance of the title.  A little devoid of emotion maybe.

I'm terrible with names and titles. Basically, it was the first word that came to me and I just used it. It's the same with character names, I just threw something in there.

Quoted from dogglebe The only problem I had with this script was that you were too wordy in describing things.

The verbosity of my writing is something I'm currently working on and trying to find a balance. I'm getting mixed signals from a lot of people. Some people think I use way too many words and some people think that my writing is way too barren. This draft, again because of the quick schedule, is a bit verbose even for my taste, but your example might be taking it a bit too far. I've read many times that one of the signs of amateurish writing is that folks don't establish the character enough by giving a quick overlook to the overall feel to the character with some description about their behaviour.

It's a balancing act and I most definitely am still searching for the right way to attack it.

SPOILERS

Hey - someone recommended that I read this one...and have to say, I enjoyed it!  Good job.

A few nit-picks (minor ones):

* I'd cut back *slightly* on the descriptions in the beginning.  It's a bit too wordy; could be streamlined with more active verbs.

* Got a few stray "Continueds" in there!

* For the record, I guessed the twist when the second guy showed up.  But given the length, that wasn't a problem at all.

Very nice, fresh concept - and good execution.  Cheers....!

Quoted from wonkavite * Got a few stray "Continueds" in there!

Care to elaborate a bit more? There shouldn't be anything except what MMS put there automatically.

As for the opening description, I am heavily revising it for the proper release.

Thanks for the comments.

Well actually - in looking at it - I'm noticing that the Continued's *are* format correct.  

But they tend to be optional these days (Final Draft, for instance, has the option of turning off Mores and Continueds in various ways.)  Personally, I find that it looks much cleaner without them, and even saves a few lines.

Cheers,

--WV

Are you referring to the continueds in dialogue blocks, when a character speaks again, after an action line, before another character has spoken?

If so, yes, you can turn this feature off with MM, but they do not take up any extra space or lines.  Personally, I think they help, as it's not often a character speaks twice (or more) in a row - it makes it stand out, so you definitely know.

Speaking as a voice actor as well as a writer, I do strongly prefer to have them in.

Totally in agreement with you, Henrik.

Eh, I prefer the clean page space, myself.  More room for orphans.  

But to each his own.

Janet, Janet, Janet...damn, girl.  I'm not eve sure if you're messin' 'round or taking another pot shot at me, like a bunch have already today.

So, my response will be equally as ambiguous...well, maybe not completely equal, but...argh...who knows.

You are right, if you omit all the "CONT." from your dialogue boxes, your orphans won't "look" as intimidating...but they'll still waste the exact same amount of lines.  If that's how you want to roll, you go, girl.

Oh Jeff, Jeff.

To be *unambiguous*, I interpreted your "Total agreement with you Henrik" to be a potshot at me (and my generally mild comment on this thread.)  Tell me if I'm wrong.

I therefore responded in kind, and took a gentle jab at the fact that you have a hang-up about orphans.

I stand by my previous comment - that taking out the continueds creates a cleaner page.  What is what we all want in this world, don't we?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...  Orphans are to be avoided when possible.  But not at the cost of writing style and other script details.

But - to get back to the purpose of this board...ie: the honest yet respectful review of other people's work..

Henrik, ya done a good job.  Kudos.

No, Janet.  Not sure how or why you'd interpret my very direct response to Henrik as having anything remotely to do with you.

But on the other hand, for some reason, you responded and included something totally off topic, aimed at me.

Thanks for thinking of me...  

Now, please, there's no reason to get all worked up about this. If you don't like them, don't use them. If you do, then use them. I see no reason to quarrel about it.

The reason why I like them as a voice actor is because I immediately know if I have more dialogue without someone else having a line in between just by glancing at the page. That affects how I deliver the said line, so I find the information to be valuable. If I come across a new line for myself without (CONT'D), I often start to wonder if I missed something. (MORE) at the end of the page if the line continues on the next page is vital to me. The delivery changes drastically depending on if the speech ends or continues.

I personally value functionality of the script way above visual gloss. If the page looks cluttered but all the information is useful, I don't mind at all. But as I said, different people like different approaches and there's nothing wrong with that.

Hey Henrik.

Pretty good story here.  I didn't write anything for the OWC so I didn't get to vote, but this would've definately made my top 3.

I did have some issues with the plausibility of Ed cleaning up Steve's worn body so that the sickness wouldn't have been noticable to Gerald.  In fact, I thought it was the script's only downfall.

But, now after reading your explanation:  that Ed can transfer people's consciousness from body to body, how hard would it be to make a sick body look healthy again?...  I buy it now.  You were pretty convincing there.

After chugging through the opening descriptions, the story flowed very well and at a nice pace.  This story probably could've been hurt by expository dialogue, but you did very good balancing the job of showing us and telling us.

I will say that I wasn't a fan of the montage, but don't have anything bad to say about it, as you showed exactly what we needed to see.  I think I'm just not a big fan of montages in general.  I can't help but hear 'Eye of the Tiger' in my mind whenever I see the label 'MONTAGE' in a script.

But I liked the story a lot.  It was a well-used 12 hours of your time.  :-)

Do you have any other stories, features or shorts, posted here on SS?

- Mark

I thank you for your kind words. I'm not generally a fan of montages myself, but when it's the right tool for the right job, I don't specifically avoid it either.

I do have some things here, most of it rather old and not representative of my current writing. But I did just upload a revised version of an old short that I've had some success with. Can be found here:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1271617135/s-0/

Please ignore the existing comments, since they are for the extremely old draft. The one that's up is reworked from the ground up.

hey Henrik,

just wanted to say congrats for winning the OWC. took a look at this and i can definitely see why it won. when i read that you completed under 12 hours, i was even more impressed.

there were only two issues here for me. first, the descriptors could have been shortened a bit. secondly, i saw the twist coming from a mile away.

however not everyone felt this way, so it works. congrats!

Quoted from Pii It seems that Remnant has been picked up for production, but the director wants some structural changes to it, so I'll be working on that for the next few days. I've had some pretty bad experiences with people wanting to produce my stuff in the past, so I hope that things will work out this time around.

That is excellent news! This is good material for a film production.
I humbly offer my opinion on any rewrites.
Best of luck!

Regards,
E.D.

Thank you for your offer. However, the production is on a pretty fast track, so I don't think I'll be posting any drafts until we lock the script. The final one I'll naturally submit to the site.

Henrik,

First of all well done and I hope all goes well. Glad to see my vote in the previous OWC was well placed.

I hope you don't mind me asking but I am new to this industry.

I am intrigued as to the process of how it happens, what you get out of it (I am not asking about payment,  I have always assumed that shorts get nothing, just kudos?) and the kind of things you need to look out for. Eg making sure your name is on the finished product, how much they can change without your consent, what forms are signed, whether they can bring in a joint writer on re writes. Etc etc

As you can tell I have a lot to learn, so best to start asking!

Interested to hear your comments and thoughts.

All the best.

Your question is so intriguing and crops up so many memories that I will answer it unnecessarily long in a separate post. Not that anybody's that interested, but it seems just the kind of procrastination I seem to need.

And you can find it all here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1319754412/