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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  You Have Reached Your Destination - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    You Have Reached Your Destination - OWC  (currently 3834 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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You Have Reached Your Destination by Teth - Short - Vic's just trying to get to his buddy's BBQ, but his new GPS unit has other plans. 9 pages - pdf, format


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Comedy is very subjective. I chuckled a couple of times but I found their shouting to be quite annoying. Vic is also annoying from the getco. I think it would have been better if the story started off Vic being normal and then Vic getting angry at the GPS for leading him in the wrong direction.

Also, in the very first scene, you mention INT. HOUSE...where in the house? Prob make Vic's dialogue VO and then we go into the garage.

Hope this helps.  

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Okay. Here we have our one location being a "car". One scene takes place in a house. If the car didn't move out of the driveway, I would have let it slide. But obviously, it's a road trip. It's an iffy requirement of a OWC. I'll tell you this much. If it took place at NIGHT I would have let you have it. (Because a filmmaker can pull off a Poor Man's Process) but since it is during the DAY...

I'm sorry. Despite of where they wind up, I think it flunks the OWC.
That all out of the way, it wasn't a bad attempt, although the excessive F bombs made me think this one was rushed in at the last minute, having been cooked up an hour or so before.

Sorry, didn't quite like this one.


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mcornetto
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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I kind of thought this one was ok.  At first I balked at the car as a single location but it could easily be done with greenscreen if you were desperate enough to be that low budget and if you weren't then a bit of guerrilla filmmaking would work here.

I didn't really get the end so you might work on making it clearer.  

The penultimate line for me was

I can't fucking concentrate on which bitch is talking at which time.  

That got an "oooo nasty" from me.

I think you could have gotten more creative with some of the language and avoided the heavy use of fuck.  I could understand him getting that angry and using that level of language but I think it got a bit tired.  Try coming up with some better ways to express that anger.  

Really good for a weeks work.  I got a couple of chuckles from it.
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leitskev
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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I was intrigued by the concept. A GPS that takes you somewhere different than where you intended. A lot could be done with that. Unless I missed something, that didn't happen here. So you have a great premise. Maybe come up with a better ending.
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Ryan1
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, location controversy aside, this one definitely threw the owc rules out the window, along with the GPS.  Not sure why, because you could have easily started this story inside the car and used that as your one location.  But, I digress...

The shouting back and forth got old quick.  Neither of these people were particularly interesting or pleasant to listen to.  And, I don't care how distracted Vic and Danielle are by the GPS, they're gonna notice if they're driving back to their own house.  The WTF moment when they discover themselves back in their own driveway, I just didn't buy.  Nor did I understand how the destination changed when the GPS unit "went British."

Sorry, but a misfire for me.
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grademan
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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This premise had promise. As always, the initial page is hard to get into while getting the thread of the story. Vic and his cute, sporty friend driving her sporty car were angry and loud. While Vic’s rants were rude I did chuckle at a few.

Reboot this story in a different setting…

I liked Vic’s drone like acceptance of the GPS accuracy at the end,
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but I'm not getting past Page 2.  In no way is this remotely 1 location, and in no way do I want to read anymore than I already did.

Yes, I've read much worse...even recently, but this is obviously going nowhere, and there's just no reason to continue.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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greg
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 1:01am Report to Moderator
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This could have been a good horror or thriller story.  As a comedy it's okay but the arguing and yelling got repetitive pretty fast, as it was swear here, yell, repeat.  And the fact that the GPS lead them back to their driveway I didn't buy at all.  It could be funny for a long running series of absurd jokes and situations such as The Simpsons or South Park, but for a few pages it doesn't work too well.  

I chuckled a couple times but this one was just okay in the end.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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Middle of the road. Painted well but nothing at stake. I felt like there was going to be this big pay off and they just ended up back home.

The alarm and garage door opener have nothing to do with the short but to set up Vic being irritable but the GPS did that on its own, so you could cut the alarm set and the garage door stuff.
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SLM
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 2:11am Report to Moderator
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Nope, didn't work for me. If it were a film I'd switch it off, I'm afraid.

Pity, as the premise was interesting. This script just didn't develop it very well in my view.

Sorry.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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I feel this one may not be totally in the spirit of the OWC rules.
A moving location typically requires the production to move.
Unless it’s poorman’s process in a studio, it’s borderline IMO.
Rape Palace is a good runner up line to “dangle your Derek”.
The escalating yelling didn’t work for me. It was all one note.
I like the premise of the GPS, but try doing more with it.

Regards,
E.D.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Ha! I have a script just like it sort of.  G.P.S where the gps is a female version of Hal 9000.

Anyway, this didn't qualify as one location to me, but I'm looking past that for now.  I think you could've done so much more with this. As it is right now, Vic is an ass Danielle is annoying. Both seem unpleasant and it's basically just 9 minutes of arguing and that gets old.

Decent work that has great potential.  


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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I also think you could do a lot more with this than what you've got here, but hey, you finished it within a week. After the challenge is over with you can always do a rewrite.

Maybe try some comedy instead of the bickering. I did chuckle a little bit.
What if she bought the GPS for him for his birthday and he sets it? Could have a funny outcome.

Congrats on finishing the OWC

Cindy





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albinopenguin
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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one location? i don't think so...

anyways i liked the idea, but not the execution. furthermore, i hated vic, right from the start. if you're doing comedy, then you should try to relate to your audience, not alienate them.

the one location thing immediately dismisses it from being considered for the OWC. but there might be some potential here so with a few rewrites, you could have a funny sketch on your hands.


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