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Is this a whole short? What happened to the other kid? Who was the naked man, and why was he trying to kill them? And can you get a film made with a naked man and two little girls? That's all I got.
First thing I notice off the bat is the side note to me as I read. No need for that. I'd also try to use other words for growl, shriek and bark, the repetition of the words gets stale after awhile.
Quoted Text
apt. 4c!
Tell me I didn't read that in a bit of dialog. Please. I was up all night helping a relative of mine, I'm a little tired maybe...not enough caffiene...no, I did catch that. People here have thier pet peeves and hangups. I have mine. I also have a general rule: if I "see" this sort of thing more than twice in a script, I usually quit right there and get out of Dodge most of the time. Short script, big script, good, bad, I don't care usually, I am gone. Period.
Because if a writer, thinking that in order to "save or use spare words" means using symbols for dialog and/or abbriviations in spoken word I'm willing to think they have done it eleswhere. You're a writer. Write out the word.
Spelling error (p5) "One" "aims"...also watch the grammar.
POLICE OFFICER #1 and OFFICER #1 - are they the same character? (ID by profession is not a good thing. What's his namebadge say? Give him a name to lessen confusion)
I tried getting into this, but...okay, I give up. Why is the intruder in his birthday suit again? Why does it feel like two different stories molded into one?
That said, congrats on turning out something for the OWC. I know that's not a big deal- but coming up with something on the fly in any rough form is a decent achievement in itself.
I know you tried but this was a hard read. Cartoon characters on TV not seen but heard? A nude man covered 60% in blood and the knife 100%? Sorry, couldn’t figure what you were trying to portray.
There's a FADE IN on page 4 and this pdf opens to that page. This gives the illusion that the script is cut off. You only have to page up from that FADE IN.
Overall this really seemed to suffer from being done quickly. There were a fair share of typos and lots of extraneous language that could be cut to make this a quicker read.
On top of that the story and the characters were underdeveloped. This would have really benefited from the extra pages and some good old fashioned story telling.
Tell me I didn't read that in a bit of dialog. Please. I was up all night helping a relative of mine, I'm a little tired maybe...not enough caffiene...no, I did catch that. People here have thier pet peeves and hangups. I have mine. I also have a general rule: if I "see" this sort of thing more than twice in a script, I usually quit right there and get out of Dodge most of the time. Short script, big script, good, bad, I don't care usually, I am gone. Period.
I think it means Apartment 4C. I'm pretty sure. Writers should avoid using abbreviation like this, though.
I read the first few pages of this, and it kind of dragged. Their argument over where to do homework should have ended on page 1, but instead it went on to page 2. I skimmed through the next page, and then skipped to the ending. I didn't really notice a cinimatic puchline, which might be because I didn't read the previous few pages, but I'm not so sure. The police come and they survive...what's the point? Where's the really cool twist?
I really didn't get the description, and some of the dialogue just wasn't realistic. I mean, I understand what the writer is trying to say, but it just isn't written right. This does have the potential to be an interesting short, although I'm not sure if you can make a film starring two little girls and a nude guy. That's just weird and messed up in so many ways.
Great job finishing an OWC script, though. This just needs some work.
So, either we have a first time effort, or someone taking the piss.
First time writer - Ummm...OK...uhhh...uhhh...no...sorry...
Pisser - some classic shit, here, bro...very funny. Love the 60% covered in blood nude man with the 100% blood covered knife looking in every possible spot except where the kid was. Pure gold.
I'm not having a very good time of this. Another script I really didn't like - I just couldn't get into it. My eyes skimmed across the surface like stones across a still lake.
Again, another idea that might be interesting if done differently. Maybe the writer could develop it further outside the OWC's restrictions?
"a medium sized TV that's plopped on a small table"
a "horizontal positioned bed"
To be honest with you, I wanted to quit right there. I didn't however, but I'm afraid that things didn't improve from there. IMHO, this one needs a major overhaul to work. Sorry.
I wasn't happy with this script. It seemed like part of a larger piece; it certainly doesn't stand alone. It was just a short scene.
Your over-use of descriptions ruined it for me. Is it necessary to say that the naked man is 60% covered in blood? Wouldn't saying that he's covered in blood be enough? The search for the girl could've been told in half a page. You went all out to describe every little detail, which took from the story.
I had a hard time accepting the dialogue from the kids. Sounded very mature for their ages, IMO. I didn’t get a decent sense of place from the descriptions. The Nude Man description ending with the knife felt odd to me. I would’ve felt more tension if I knew where Francine was hiding. This adheres to the OWC rules, but the story was a bit confusing. Add some suspense by showing us Francine.
Regards, E.D.
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Francine tells the operator "There's a naked man...!"
A couple lines later..."we hear the Someone COMING"
I chuckled at that coming line. Capitalizing just kinda emphasized it ha-ha.
But anyway, this one didn't have much purpose. A lot of questions were left unanswered. Actually, all of the questions were left unanswered. I'm not sure what to make of this because I didn't see why things were happening.
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I think this is from a young writer. Congrats on finishing the OWC
The story does need some work. It is scary when there is someone outside trying to get in. Build on that. Maybe show the kids hiding, the guy coming in... but nakeed, nah.
Keep writing,
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama