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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Hidden - OWC Moderators: Don
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Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hidden by Yodh - Short - A girl must remain hidden from a crazy killer. 6 pages - pdf, format


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leitskev
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Is this a whole short? What happened to the other kid? Who was the naked man, and why was he trying to kill them? And can you get a film made with a naked man and two little girls? That's all I got.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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First thing I notice off the bat is the side note to me as I read. No need for that. I'd also try to use other words for growl, shriek and bark, the repetition of the words gets stale after awhile.


Quoted Text
apt. 4c!


Tell me I didn't read that in a bit of dialog. Please. I was up all night helping a relative of mine, I'm a little tired maybe...not enough caffiene...no, I did catch that.
People here have thier pet peeves and hangups. I have mine. I also have a general rule: if I "see" this sort of thing more than twice in a script, I usually quit right there and get out of Dodge most of the time. Short script, big script, good, bad, I don't care usually, I am gone. Period.

Because if a writer, thinking that in order to "save or use spare words" means using symbols for dialog and/or abbriviations in spoken word I'm willing to think they have done it eleswhere. You're a writer. Write out the word.

Spelling error (p5) "One" "aims"...also watch the grammar.

POLICE OFFICER #1 and OFFICER #1 - are they the same character?
(ID by profession is not a good thing. What's his namebadge say? Give him a name to lessen confusion)


I tried getting into this, but...okay, I give up. Why is the intruder in his birthday suit again? Why does it feel like two different stories molded into one?

That said, congrats on turning out something for the OWC. I know that's not a big deal- but coming up with something on the fly in any rough form is a decent achievement in itself.

Cheers,


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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grademan
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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I know you tried but this was a hard read. Cartoon characters on TV not seen but heard? A nude man covered 60% in blood and the knife 100%? Sorry, couldn’t figure what you were trying to portray.
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mcornetto
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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There's a FADE IN on page 4 and this pdf opens to that page.  This gives the illusion that the script is cut off.   You only have to page up from that FADE IN.

Overall this really seemed to suffer from being done quickly.  There were a fair share of typos and lots of extraneous language that could be cut to make this a quicker read.

On top of that the story and the characters were underdeveloped.  This would have really benefited from the extra pages and some good old fashioned story telling.

Good try for a week of work though.
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crookedowl
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

Tell me I didn't read that in a bit of dialog. Please. I was up all night helping a relative of mine, I'm a little tired maybe...not enough caffiene...no, I did catch that.
People here have thier pet peeves and hangups. I have mine. I also have a general rule: if I "see" this sort of thing more than twice in a script, I usually quit right there and get out of Dodge most of the time. Short script, big script, good, bad, I don't care usually, I am gone. Period.


I think it means Apartment 4C. I'm pretty sure. Writers should avoid using abbreviation like this, though.
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crookedowl
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first few pages of this, and it kind of dragged. Their argument over where to do homework should have ended on page 1, but instead it went on to page 2. I skimmed through the next page, and then skipped to the ending. I didn't really notice a cinimatic puchline, which might be because I didn't read the previous few pages, but I'm not so sure. The police come and they survive...what's the point? Where's the really cool twist?

I really didn't get the description, and some of the dialogue just wasn't realistic. I mean, I understand what the writer is trying to say, but it just isn't written right. This does have the potential to be an interesting short, although I'm not sure if you can make a film starring two little girls and a nude guy. That's just weird and messed up in so many ways.

Great job finishing an OWC script, though. This just needs some work.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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OK...

So, either we have a first time effort, or someone taking the piss.

First time writer - Ummm...OK...uhhh...uhhh...no...sorry...

Pisser - some classic shit, here, bro...very funny.  Love the 60% covered in blood nude man with the 100% blood covered knife looking in every possible spot except where the kid was.  Pure gold.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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SLM
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 2:26am Report to Moderator
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Nope.

I'm not having a very good time of this. Another script I really didn't like - I just couldn't get into it. My eyes skimmed across the surface like stones across a still lake.

Again, another idea that might be interesting if done differently. Maybe the writer could develop it further outside the OWC's restrictions?

Sorry I couldn't be more positive.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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"a medium sized TV that's plopped on a small table"

a "horizontal positioned bed"

To be honest with you, I wanted to quit right there. I didn't however, but I'm afraid that things didn't improve from there. IMHO, this one needs a major overhaul to work.  Sorry.


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dogglebe
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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I wasn't happy with this script.  It seemed like part of a larger piece; it certainly doesn't stand alone.  It was just a short scene.

Your over-use of descriptions ruined it for me.  Is it necessary to say that the naked man is 60% covered in blood?  Wouldn't saying that he's covered in blood be enough?  The search for the girl could've been told in half a page.  You went all out to describe every little detail, which took from the story.


Phil


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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I had a hard time accepting the dialogue from the kids.
Sounded very mature for their ages, IMO.
I didn’t get a decent sense of place from the descriptions.
The Nude Man description ending with the knife felt odd to me.
I would’ve felt more tension if I knew where Francine was hiding.
This adheres to the OWC rules, but the story was a bit confusing.
Add some suspense by showing us Francine.

Regards,
E.D.


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greg
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Francine tells the operator "There's a naked man...!"

A couple lines later..."we hear the Someone COMING"

I chuckled at that coming line.  Capitalizing just kinda emphasized it ha-ha.

But anyway, this one didn't have much purpose.  A lot of questions were left unanswered.  Actually, all of the questions were left unanswered.  I'm not sure what to make of this because I didn't see why things were happening.

Sorry.  But good job on the OWC.

Greg


Be excellent to each other

Revision History (1 edits)
greg  -  September 18th, 2011, 4:45pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry but Greg's comment above was the best thing so far.

When the descriptions of the wardrobes started I  to lost the thread.

Keep going. Well done for entering.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is from a young writer.
Congrats on finishing the OWC

The story does need some work. It is scary when there is someone outside trying to get in. Build on that. Maybe show the kids hiding, the guy coming in... but nakeed, nah.

Keep writing,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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