Hidden by Yodh - Short - A girl must remain hidden from a crazy killer. 6 pages - pdf, format

Is this a whole short? What happened to the other kid? Who was the naked man, and why was he trying to kill them? And can you get a film made with a naked man and two little girls? That's all I got.

First thing I notice off the bat is the side note to me as I read. No need for that. I'd also try to use other words for growl, shriek and bark, the repetition of the words gets stale after awhile.

Quoted Text apt. 4c!

Tell me I didn't read that in a bit of dialog. Please. I was up all night helping a relative of mine, I'm a little tired maybe...not enough caffiene...no, I did catch that.
People here have thier pet peeves and hangups. I have mine. I also have a general rule: if I "see" this sort of thing more than twice in a script, I usually quit right there and get out of Dodge most of the time. Short script, big script, good, bad, I don't care usually, I am gone. Period.

Because if a writer, thinking that in order to "save or use spare words" means using symbols for dialog and/or abbriviations in spoken word I'm willing to think they have done it eleswhere. You're a writer. Write out the word.

Spelling error (p5) "One" "aims"...also watch the grammar.

POLICE OFFICER #1 and OFFICER #1 - are they the same character?
(ID by profession is not a good thing. What's his namebadge say? Give him a name to lessen confusion)


I tried getting into this, but...okay, I give up. Why is the intruder in his birthday suit again? Why does it feel like two different stories molded into one?

That said, congrats on turning out something for the OWC. I know that's not a big deal- but coming up with something on the fly in any rough form is a decent achievement in itself.

Cheers,

I know you tried but this was a hard read. Cartoon characters on TV not seen but heard? A nude man covered 60% in blood and the knife 100%? Sorry, couldn’t figure what you were trying to portray.

There's a FADE IN on page 4 and this pdf opens to that page.  This gives the illusion that the script is cut off.   You only have to page up from that FADE IN.

Overall this really seemed to suffer from being done quickly.  There were a fair share of typos and lots of extraneous language that could be cut to make this a quicker read.

On top of that the story and the characters were underdeveloped.  This would have really benefited from the extra pages and some good old fashioned story telling.

Good try for a week of work though.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Tell me I didn't read that in a bit of dialog. Please. I was up all night helping a relative of mine, I'm a little tired maybe...not enough caffiene...no, I did catch that. People here have thier pet peeves and hangups. I have mine. I also have a general rule: if I "see" this sort of thing more than twice in a script, I usually quit right there and get out of Dodge most of the time. Short script, big script, good, bad, I don't care usually, I am gone. Period.

I think it means Apartment 4C. I'm pretty sure. Writers should avoid using abbreviation like this, though.

I read the first few pages of this, and it kind of dragged. Their argument over where to do homework should have ended on page 1, but instead it went on to page 2. I skimmed through the next page, and then skipped to the ending. I didn't really notice a cinimatic puchline, which might be because I didn't read the previous few pages, but I'm not so sure. The police come and they survive...what's the point? Where's the really cool twist?

I really didn't get the description, and some of the dialogue just wasn't realistic. I mean, I understand what the writer is trying to say, but it just isn't written right. This does have the potential to be an interesting short, although I'm not sure if you can make a film starring two little girls and a nude guy. That's just weird and messed up in so many ways.

Great job finishing an OWC script, though. This just needs some work.

OK...

So, either we have a first time effort, or someone taking the piss.

First time writer - Ummm...OK...uhhh...uhhh...no...sorry...

Pisser - some classic shit, here, bro...very funny.  Love the 60% covered in blood nude man with the 100% blood covered knife looking in every possible spot except where the kid was.  Pure gold.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

Nope.

I'm not having a very good time of this. Another script I really didn't like - I just couldn't get into it. My eyes skimmed across the surface like stones across a still lake.

Again, another idea that might be interesting if done differently. Maybe the writer could develop it further outside the OWC's restrictions?

Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

"a medium sized TV that's plopped on a small table"

a "horizontal positioned bed"

To be honest with you, I wanted to quit right there. I didn't however, but I'm afraid that things didn't improve from there. IMHO, this one needs a major overhaul to work.  Sorry.

I wasn't happy with this script.  It seemed like part of a larger piece; it certainly doesn't stand alone.  It was just a short scene.

Your over-use of descriptions ruined it for me.  Is it necessary to say that the naked man is 60% covered in blood?  Wouldn't saying that he's covered in blood be enough?  The search for the girl could've been told in half a page.  You went all out to describe every little detail, which took from the story.


Phil

I had a hard time accepting the dialogue from the kids.
Sounded very mature for their ages, IMO.
I didn’t get a decent sense of place from the descriptions.
The Nude Man description ending with the knife felt odd to me.
I would’ve felt more tension if I knew where Francine was hiding.
This adheres to the OWC rules, but the story was a bit confusing.
Add some suspense by showing us Francine.

Regards,
E.D.

Francine tells the operator "There's a naked man...!"

A couple lines later..."we hear the Someone COMING"

I chuckled at that coming line.  Capitalizing just kinda emphasized it ha-ha.

But anyway, this one didn't have much purpose.  A lot of questions were left unanswered.  Actually, all of the questions were left unanswered.  I'm not sure what to make of this because I didn't see why things were happening.

Sorry.  But good job on the OWC.

Greg

Sorry but Greg's comment above was the best thing so far.

When the descriptions of the wardrobes started I  to lost the thread.

Keep going. Well done for entering.

I think this is from a young writer.
Congrats on finishing the OWC

The story does need some work. It is scary when there is someone outside trying to get in. Build on that. Maybe show the kids hiding, the guy coming in... but nakeed, nah.

Keep writing,

Cindy

Interesting beginning, seemed like it had a purpose.
So much energy put into describing the room... must be a reason for that... darned if I know what it is, though.
I love all the closets and the storage space, anyway.

Is someone having fun with us? Really? ...

>Resting on her horizontal positioned bed.

Are there vertical beds? Well, I guess maybe in some kind of sci-fi stasis
chamber there might be.

>From the TV, a single dog GROWLS.

I wonder what a double dog sounds like.

>CARTOON CHARACTER (from the TV)
That was close. Ah.

We were previously informed, so this is not needed.

If you are serious, then later you'll see how little things matter and
we all write like this even now when when we're in fast mode. Then
we turn around, have a gander and "Whoops!"

The idea of the girls in conflict with Francine wanting quiet to
do her homework is essentially good and you can do a lot with
that, without the need of a naked man covered in blood. I think
he just wandered into the wrong story.  

Nice effort no matter which way you take this one.

Sandra

Erm, not sure what to make of this. It had no decent ideas (I do like black screen VO's as a transition, they can be very effective on screen) and the descriptions were over padded with so many unnecessary meanderings it was distracting. Pages 5 and 6 were a mess. I can see you were trying to make his search of the room a tense hide and seek scene but it was nearly two whole pages (two minutes on screen?) I ended up skipping.
Needs a big make over.
Daz

As I go:

Page 1:  They sound rather well-spoken for their ages to me, but I can never remember what kids sound like at their ages so I could easily be wrong.

Thoughts:

Greg has validated my dirty-minded associations; I'm glad.

Don't really see the point or know why anything is happening.

I rather liked the interplay between the two sisters.  From an only child's point of view, anyway, you seem to have successfully captured that sibling dynamic.

I'd recommend some Hitchcock.  Films and interviews.  In interviews he has a very succinct way of describing what is suspenseful and why, and what isn't and why.  I think the reason that the suspense doesn't work here is largely because we don't have any involvement in the situation as we're just suddenly thrust into it.

Thanks for the fun read!

Sorry, I don't like this one. It seems like two entirely different stories with a 911 call stuck in the middle. I think you spent too much time on the cartoon and then again on the description of the room. And, given the man is naked, frantic and wielding a blood-soaked knife, I doubt he would knock at all, and certainly not multiple times.

Good effort, tho

I guess the morale of the story here is 'don't run naked with a knife covered in blood terrorising young girls', it only gets you arrested.

That's literally all I got.

Sorry.

Arty.

The constant barks and growls got a little tedious.  The level detail was a little distracting, slowed the read, very specific.  You must have had a very clear vision of how everything should look on the screen, but it needs to be simplified.

I was convinced you were going in the direction of Francine inadvertently overhearing and typing up an ongoing murder without realising it, it would have been an interesting direction to take.
As it is I didn't feel the opening half held much purpose to the story, you introduced the characters but I felt we didn't learn a lot about them or anything integral to the story.

A good effort.
Leon

Wanted to respond to this first so this can go back of the pile.

Thanks for your comments and sorry for having made you read this. Should have followed my instinct in not releasing this. I safely can say that I'm not going to be participating in future OWC's. I'm just going to dedicate time to writing features and shorts (more than 5 pages).

Story: The story was the nude man trying to find the girl to murder her. Why? The nude man is crazy. There's no relation or backstory to any of these characters. The girls are enjoying their ordinary lives till this crazy guy comes along and messes things up. That's it in a nut shell. I added the intro to give some color to the characters. Thinking about it after submitting this, I should have added the after affects of the incident. But I'll leave that for the rewrite.    

Nude Man: I thought being nude would show that the guy's crazy. I was thinking of dressing him up as a bum, but I thought being nude would portray the craziness better.

I'm going to rewrite this one soon probably after I'm done with the feature.  Fix and shorten the descriptions, edit those naughty innuendos (the Someone comming) (Greg and Heretic, you're sick lol), and add more scenes to get that message across.


Thanks and sorry again.
Gabe

Don't apologize! This whole challenge is a learning experience for all of us

I've given this a read as I'm pretty sure I owe you reads. You sound a little disheartened in your post, and I think you shouldn't feel that way. If your work is criticised, it's just one opinion. Don't worry about it. It's ironic that often the work itself is far more skilfully written than the criticism.

Chin up, son.

There's tension imbedded in the premise, but I think you have written it in a way that doesn't allow you to develop it. For example, you dedicate three pages to the argument which has no role to play at all. The stakes are not raised for the plot and there's no characterisation that is paid off at any point. Secondly, once the killer is in the room, you - over - describe the room but fail to crank up the presence of a maniacal killer seeking out a young girl. Why is he there? What's driving his actions? Thirdly, you run against genre with your decisions. Isn't this essentially a slasher? If so, I think it's a mistake to subvert expectations by showing us the blood and not the killing - we're left to assume the older girl has been murdered, but we don't see it. That's against type and wounds the script. As mentioned, you focus on descriptions once he's in there and fail to ratchet up any psychological elements because he doesn't really do nowt. Personally, the idea of not showing the killing and leaving us with the thought is a good base for a psychological thriller but the rest of the script doesn't fit that genre either.

These things are probably the product of a rushed write. There's nothing you cannot fix up once you dissect the constituent parts. As I say, a lot of this is genre and expectation problems stemming from your choices and not indicative of a writer without talent. For me, far too much analysis focuses on the actual writing and fails to acknowledge what makes this medium and how simple choices can create a disconnect.

Keep writing, geezer.

Gabe,

You come upbwith some great ideas. Sometimes they are confusing to read, but that's what rewrites are for. Don't give up on the OWC. They are great and you're part of the OWC tradition too.

Pia

Quoted from Mr.Ripley (Greg and Heretic, you're sick lol)

My Ethics prof was talking today about giving a tourist the wrong directions as a joke.  She said, "...some people would give them the wrong directions and then say, 'Ha ha ha, I just pulled one off on a tourist.'"  Only myself and one other student seemed to find this funny...

I wouldn't be unhappy with your entry here, Gabe.  As I said above, I think the interplay between the sisters is well written and entertaining.  That the first half is currently lacking in logical connection to the second is of no regard to the strong writing contained therein.