As I go:

Thoughts:

Yeah, I'm with Pia.  All of the tension in the script is based on the initial problem.  The script is gonna be unsatisfying until he finds a place or shits himself.

Other than that, this is just the kind of thing I like.  Very very amusing.  I don't really have very much to say because it was exactly what it meant to be.  

But really...he's gotta go, some time in the script.

Thanks for the fun read!

Quoted from 'For Customers Only' Trent runs down the aisle towards the-- RESTROOM DOOR Trent aims the gun at the dead bolt, pulls the trigger and-- SQUIRTS. A stream of water out the muzzle onto the knob.

My favorite part of the whole script.  What sucks, though, is that it'll only be funny IN the script itself.  The joke won't come across on-screen.  Still funny as heck, though.

I did like it for the whole.  I don't really have too much to complain about, besides the fact of Sheldon, (whom for some reason I pictured Mike Shelton playing this part at first), just leaving the gun in the store.  Okay, maybe a speedfreak would do something like that, but I doubt if Carl would just leave it lying there on the shelf after everybody had left.

My heart goes out to Trent, as I was just recently in this position just a couple months ago.  I was walking home from work and it came from nowhere.  The only thing close was a laundromat.  I pleaded and the fucker wouldn't let me use the restroom.  If I knew which car was his in the parking lot, I would've let it go right on his hood and paid the fine with a smile on my face if the police had caught me.

Lol.  This script made me laugh, but at the same time just brought back a lot of anger that I thought I had dealt with.  I might pay that fucker a visit on my way to work this weekend.

- Mark

I liked the situation but felt the humor wasn't as funny as it could have been.  The dude's stomach is growling the entire time so I was expecting him to crap his pants or a bunch of other toilet humor jokes to be involved.  Parts were also overwritten so the jokes weren't as snappy as they could have been, notably Sheldon's sequence.  

Now that I think about it, maybe it's better there wasn't more dirty toilet humor.  In a way it's kind of a curveball and makes the story more tame than it originally came off as.  I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

So it was entertaining.

Nice job.

Greg

I liked this one. The protag's actions suited the situation, IMO. And I loved the end with the sign on the bus:p The only real problem I had with it was that the kid with the gun seemed to be a bit of a convenience.

Good job

I actually quite liked this. I think the main reason being because I expected the main gag would be he just cr@ps himself with a big FART sound or something. Glad he actually got arrested instead, that just tickled me a little. I also liked the cop saying 'nice watch', another little thing that just tickled me. I've said it before but simple things...

There were a few things that confused me a little. One being why is there a doggy door to the restroom? Should it not lead outside instead of the restroom? Secondly, if he had no money, how was he going to pay for the bus? Granted he hadn't noticed early but he still makes a run for it when the cop has him, but then surely he wouldn't still try to run for the bus when he knows he has no money, he's handcuffed AND he's covered in, well, he's dirty.

Good effort though.

Arty.

I think this is well written, and there are some funny moments (Sheldon realizes what he's done, etc.).

However, I found my attention straying several times while reading this.  And it's difficult to believe that the lead guy would have ever sat on that wretched bench, let alone waited for a bus.  IMHO.

To my mind, you got the perfect scenario in place for a OWC script and then failed to fully capitalise on it. This definitely felt like a piece influenced by the Ferrell and Smith humour base. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised to see Dante or Randal appear.

Shelton referring to Trent as 'suit' made me laugh. That, and the bus being fitted with toilets were definitely high points. Ricky Gervais recently said how he felt good comedy required  the comedian to possess a certain level of intelligence in creating moments that stick/resonate and (obviously not slighting your intelligence!) the fact 'for customers only' was tagged on the bus diluted the joke as it served your narrative rather than making a whole load of sense i.e. using a bus for a number 2 as a nonpaying customer. I think the joke is funnier and more ironic by virtue of the fact a toilet IS on the bus and not that it's 'for customers only'.  If you catcha my drifta. Not trying to intellectualise simple concepts but rather exploring reasoning for good jokes from good comedians who satirise everyday life for our amusement. The humour being in the fact we recognise the situation or people. At the core, your concept is one that many people can relate to, and that's what made it so promising.

I'm a bit amazed that some people think I wrote this because it doesn't remind me of my scripts at all.

This was an amusing story but it didn't really make me laugh.  Like Andrew says above it's kind of a Ferrell or Smith humour which is pretty hit and miss with me.  That isn't to say you didn't do a good job writing it - I can't think of much more you could have done with the story (at least not at the moment).  It just fell a bit flat for me and needed something more to liven it up (at least for me).  But good job for the week.    

It was a bit of a mixed bag. Technically it wasn't very spectacular, a lot of unnecessary shot directions and a quirky way of writing action elements that I didn't find very productive, even though it did add a nice voice to the writing. The only technical thing was that it missed (CONT'D) when a character is speaking repeatedly.

As for the plot itself, it was pretty ok. As someone with an irritable bowel syndrome, I can easily identify with the main character's problem but I agree with the others that there was no resolution. The guy was arrested as a result of a misunderstanding and I don't find those very amusing. And no, the character didn't get to relieve himself at any point. Actually, for someone who desperately needs to go, he performed quite extravagant gymnastics.

Didn't really pop for me, but it most definitely wasn't bad. The dialogue worked nicely.

Giving a shout out to this one.

Man, I feel like spilling it with my true story...

Let's just say, "I was pissed off!!!" Hell hath no fury when a woman needs to go. And go, I did! I was prepared to go to jail because nature was calling and I couldn't help it.

Sandra

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions!

I went through them all and tweaked on the script.
And this time, I'm not "throwing my voice", swear.

Here's the new draft! Enjoy!
As always, thanks for reading and commenting!

Regards,
E.D.

A cheeky little upgrade on the original. The stubby tail is a great addition, as is Trent defiantly, and desperately, shoving his head into the cat flap. The imagery with the cat could be amusingly shot. There's a shot in Four Lions where they drag one of the chaps under a garage door and it's so, so funny. With a bit of creativity, they've added great humour. The little things can make a difference.

There are, however, a couple of things bothering me with the logic. Firstly, the tweaker running out of the store with the gun on the floor. Why doesn't Trent pick it up? Or why doesn't the tweaker keep the pretence going? Sure, he's a tweaker after all just looking for a quick buck, and it's just comedy, but it still feels a little too illogical. Trent then goes on to try and use the gun on the doorknob.  It seems you want to keep the squirting of the doorknob bit in (it is funny) but it feels at the expense of the setup. Not sure if you ever saw Three Fugitives, but Martin Short robs a bank with a grenade and it's just a ridiculous setup. When he's falling asleep and about to drop it, Nick Nolte belts out "the GRENADE!" and it's very amusing. Perhaps changing the hold up weapon might give you a new lease of life. A tweaker is surely ripe territory for absurd weapons.

My second gripe links to the gun problem. The fact Trent is arrested after what the cops sees seems a little unlikely. He's just the victim of a very undesirable situation after all. It doesn't seem fitting. IMO, if you change the weapon, you open up the possibilities and eradicate these problems as I see them. For others this setup may work, but I do think you need to change the dynamic a little.

Quoted from grademan This was predictable. A guy has to go to the restroom and complications follow. I think if urgency would have added a little zip to the story. Not bad though.

Hey Gary!

I tried to add some physical "urgency" into the new draft.
More grimacing, wincing, leg crossing, etc.
And there's some added "flavor" to the ending too!
Hope that helps!

Quoted from The boy who could fly This was pretty amusing, I think it sucks that some places dun let you use the washroom, i been stuck in that situation before, i think the dude should have just whipped it out and pissed all over the floor

Hey Jordan!

LOL, I wasn't gonna go all Gerard Depardieu on the OWC.
But the French style slapstick humor is all over the script.
Probably due to me listening to the score to this film while writing!
Micmacs! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1149361/

Quoted from SLM I quite liked this one. It held together nicely, progressed from a-b-c in a logical way. The only thing that really struck me was that, when Trent ran away with the gun in his hand, wouldn't the cop have shot him?

Hey Simon!
I see your point, I addressed that in this new draft.
I added some comical imagery to "disarm" the cop.
Hope this helps!

Quoted from dogglebe This was a cute read.  I think you over-thought it when you wrote it.  There was just too much detail for me.  This would be better if it was shorter.  Still, it was nice.  An old-fashion comedy. Phil

Hey Phil!

I hear you on the over thinking.
I went all Rube Goldberg in the heat of the moment.
I streamlined the writing and tried to move it along better this draft.
Knocked out a page, but wrote a half page of new stuff. Oh well!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Since Trent is so desperate to go that he tries to fit through the cat door, I think there needs to be a payoff on his bathroom need. Something's has got to happen there. I kept waiting for him to have an "accident". Instead he's just hauled away by the cops. I agree that the cop needs to act more cop like.  If a cop enters a store during an armed robbery, things get really intense right away. The writing was fine, but a little too overwritten and descriptive on the first page.

Hey Pia!

In the new draft, there is a pay off to Trent's unfortunate situation.
Instead of getting all serious with the cop.
I decided to try an enhance the absurdity to "disarm" the cop.
And I toned down the first page a tad, as well as the whacky slugs. Hope this helps!

Quoted from jwent6688 I would say this script is a bit CORNIE in the least. Thought Sheldon laying down his gun and running out of the store was the weakest part for me. Didn't like your use of slugs, so I'm with Jeff here. Wouldn't be surprised if someone wrote this just to piss him off. Lol.... James

Hey James!

So, it was you that started accusing Cornetto of writing this!
He caught flak for this one all week. AND was a good sport about it!
I deliberately threw my voice, but at no one in particular. I swear!

In the new draft, I deal with the gun a bit differently.
And I cleaned up most of the wiggy slug work.
I was curious to see if anyone would figure me out.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I thought this one was corney, too, but in a fun corney way. I think you could amp up his restroom worry. Maybe gas, too? And like Pia said, I think the poor guy should resolve his problem, but I liked the sign on the bus at the end. Cindy

Hey Cindy!

You jumped on the Cornie train too!
I did amplify the "anxious" antics in the new draft.
And yes, there is a resolution now to poor Trent's problem. Enjoy!

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. This was really quite nicely done. There's two things I have to say. 1. When he saw the cat relieving himself in the cat box, I thought: THERE!!! There's a place to go at least! 2. This part: TRENT Trent Page. Enzo? Look in the roadster and see...you’ve got it? Great. I’ll be right there, ciao. Really threw me off track. Otherwise, this was very well done. Lovely title. Lovely comedy! Sandra

Hey Sandra!

Trent would happily use the litter box, if he could get through that PET DOOR!
And I added a parenthetical and cleaned up the phone answering description.
Hope this helps and you enjoy the new draft!

Regards to All,
E.D.

Quoted from Heretic Yeah, I'm with Pia.  All of the tension in the script is based on the initial problem.  The script is gonna be unsatisfying until he finds a place

Hey Heretic!

I tried to address that "issue" in the new draft. Hope it helps your enjoyment!

Quoted from rc1107 I don't really have too much to complain about, besides the fact of Sheldon, (whom for some reason I pictured Mike Shelton playing this part at first), just leaving the gun in the store.  Okay, maybe a speedfreak would do something like that, but I doubt if Carl would just leave it lying there on the shelf after everybody had left. My heart goes out to Trent, as I was just recently in this position just a couple months ago.  I was walking home from work and it came from nowhere.  The only thing close was a laundromat.   - Mark

Hey Mark!

I changed how the gun is handled in the new draft.
I tried to make Sheldon's "disarming" a little more plausible.
However, Carl would not touch the gun, it's evidence and cops are one the way.
I don't know why folks think a clerk would touch the gun. But many do!

My goal was to create a simple, but universal scenario for some comic fun.
Go get that laundromat jerk!

Quoted from greg The dude's stomach is growling the entire time so I was expecting him to crap his pants or a bunch of other toilet humor jokes to be involved.   Now that I think about it, maybe it's better there wasn't more dirty toilet humor.  In a way it's kind of a curveball and makes the story more tame than it originally came off as.  I guess there's nothing wrong with that. Greg

Hey Greg!

I did rework the resolution in the new draft. Hope it helps.
I initially went with the "tame curveball", it's instinctual for me.
However, this time around, I tried to satisfy the toilet humor crowd too.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou There were a few things that confused me a little. One being why is there a doggy door to the restroom? Should it not lead outside instead of the restroom? Secondly, if he had no money, how was he going to pay for the bus? Arty.

Hey Arty!

The PET DOOR (changed it in the new draft) is for the surly cat.
Hence, the litter box in the restroom. Sure, a cat could go outside.
But, in my mind it was more ghetto funny to put the box in the bathroom.
People have to see the soiled litter box while trying to do their business.

Trent runs for the bus because, he as to go, it's all he can think about.
I saw the image in my mind, and I had to put it in there.
Hopefully, that all comes across clearer in the new draft!

Quoted from Andrew The fact 'for customers only' was tagged on the bus diluted the joke as it served your narrative rather than making a whole load of sense i.e. using a bus for a number 2 as a nonpaying customer. I think the joke is funnier and more ironic by virtue of the fact a toilet IS on the bus.

Hey Andrew!

You make a strong case, so I went with it in the new draft.
Which I see, your super speed reading skills has already breezed through!
I appreciate the analytical approach to scatelogical humor.

Quoted from mcornetto I'm a bit amazed that some people think I wrote this because it doesn't remind me of my scripts at all. It just fell a bit flat for me and needed something more to liven it up (at least for me).

Hey Cornie!

First off, thanks for being a SUPER SPORT about the blame game this OWC.
You took a lot of c*ap for my potty story!
I had no intention of laying this one, at your feet, per se.
I just wanted to "throw my voice" to see if anyone could figure out it was me.
But, me thinks you were onto me towards the end of the guessing game!

I've reworked some of the jokes and wonky slug fest in the new draft.
Give 'em what they want, so long as they keep coming back!

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Giving a shout out to this one. Man, I feel like spilling it with my true story... Let's just say, "I was pissed off!!!" Hell hath no fury when a woman needs to go. And go, I did! I was prepared to go to jail because nature was calling and I couldn't help it. Sandra

Hey Sandra!

I must "come clean".
This did start out as a dramatic expose of constipated melodrama gone awry.
Maybe I shoulda put a SUPER on the ending:
Every day, 5,000 Americans have to buy gum to use a "public" toilet.

Thanks to all again for the reads. Hope the new draft works!

Regards to All,
E.D.

Quoted from E.D. I don't know why folks think a clerk would touch the gun. But many do!

I'd take it in case the speedfreak comes back again.  Why keep it where he could get it?  Just don't grab the handle or trigger.

Also, what if a customer comes in.  Would you just leave the gun lying there for anybody to grab?

I just saw you got the 2nd draft up, I think.  I'll take a look at it after Clone Wife today.  (Woohoo!  I got a whole day off and so far, they haven't called me in yet!)