Good story. As a person that has IBS I can relate to the premise. Though these feels more like a clip of something bigger. I didn't understand how a well off man gets stuck at a bus station (with no money). I also agree that the cop would have shot at Trent when he tried to run. There were some great moments in the story though, I really liked the twist with the sign on the bus.
Good job overall. I enjoyed it.

Quoted from rc1107 I'd take it in case the speedfreak comes back again.  Why keep it where he could get it?  Just don't grab the handle or trigger. Also, what if a customer comes in.  Would you just leave the gun lying there for anybody to grab? I just saw you got the 2nd draft up, I think.

Hey Mark,

I tried to address this a little better in the new draft.
But, I just don't see a clerk picking up the gun.
Carl knows the cops are on the way, he pressed the panic button.
I actually went to a convenience store once that had just been robbed.
The clerk told me I couldn't go inside, it was a crime scene and cops were en route.

Here, the twist is Carl knows all that, but he wants that Rolex, if he can snatch it! ;D

Yup, this is a new draft, with quite a few tweaks sprinkled throughout.
Let's see if this one grabs ya.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from gmanp Good story. As a person that has IBS I can relate to the premise. Though these feels more like a clip of something bigger. I didn't understand how a well off man gets stuck at a bus station (with no money). I also agree that the cop would have shot at Trent when he tried to run. There were some great moments in the story though, I really liked the twist with the sign on the bus. Good job overall. I enjoyed it.

Hey, GM!

Thanks for the read on the new draft.
IBS seems more common that I had thought.
When I wrote this, I had no idea how many would identify with this scenario.
I tried to make Trent's run for the bathroom so outlandish, the cop would just watch.

Who know, maybe some day I'll use this in one of my features!

I appreciate your read and comments.
Let me know if I can return the gesture.
See you around!

Regards,
E.D.

Hi Brett,

I wasn't sure what you would change. I see you've added a couple things. I like the newspaper tail. Haha!

I think there should be a winner so to say of the bathroom battle between the guy and the clerk.

The poor guy had to hold it for a looong time. I would have liked to seen him get even with the clerk before he gets hauled off by the cops. You know, if he can't get the key, he takes a dump someplace in the store. Then the cops can come in expecting a robbery and say, "Ew, what is that smell?"

And the clerk would be like, "Son of a..."

Anyway, it is still a quick and enjoyable read.

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller Hi Brett, I wasn't sure what you would change. I see you've added a couple things. I like the newspaper tail. Haha! I think there should be a winner so to say of the bathroom battle between the guy and the clerk. The poor guy had to hold it for a looong time. I would have liked to seen him get even with the clerk before he gets hauled off by the cops. You know, if he can't get the key, he takes a dump someplace in the store. Then the cops can come in expecting a robbery and say, "Ew, what is that smell?" And the clerk would be like, "Son of a..." Anyway, it is still a quick and enjoyable read. Cindy

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for the read, glad you liked the newspaper tail.
Just came to me while I was writing.

The rival getting more direct resolution could be fun.
I'll have to marinate that and revisit this sometime.

And the new fresh draft of Clone Wife went love tonight.
Thanks for asking.

Cheers,
E.D.

Hi. The story is interesting, but ending is not. I mean in my opinion the story has begining, middle, but not end.
You might wanna let the police to let him go after some headache. Then he barely catches his buss and inside finds out it has restroom and smiles.
This way I think you have a proper end.

Hope it helps.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Hi. The story is interesting, but ending is not. I mean in my opinion the story has begining, middle, but not end. You might wanna let the police to let him go after some headache. Then he barely catches his buss and inside finds out it has restroom and smiles. This way I think you have a proper end. Hope it helps.

Jahon,

Thanks for the read.
This one gets a lot of reads from producers.
Trent does get to relieve himself, just not where he wanted to.
I thought I was fairly explicit about that, I could take another look at it. Thanks.

As to your feature, I'll take a look as my work schedule allows.

Regards,
E.D.

I liked this!  It was an entertaining and quick read.   Fun, fun, fun.  Thanks for sharing it.