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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  For Customers Only - OWC Moderators: Don
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Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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For Customers Only by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Short - A man and a clerk haggle over store policy. 7 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  September 27th, 2011, 11:34am
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leitskev
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Unique. Sorry, I don't have much else to say. The writing worked, no problems there. Managed to build a little tension. Perhaps some humor. Congrats on playing the OWC!
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grademan
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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This was predictable. A guy has to go to the restroom and complications follow. I think if urgency would have added a little zip to the story. Not bad though.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty amusing, I think it sucks that some places dun let you use the washroom, i been stuck in that situation before, i think the dude should have just whipped it out and pissed all over the floor, that might have them change their policy, in fact i recomend anyone do that if denied a restroom , screw these customer only rules, a revolt is needed . the story goes a little overboard at the end but it was a cute story. Good job on this OWC.


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Meh...sorry, very poor, week, meaningless, IMO.  Insanely irritating prose with all the Mini Slug items and the like.  Just so bloated with nothingness, I'm, actually kind of pissed. Feel like a total waste of 8 minutes.

Nothing else to say.  Didn't work in any way, totally weak story/skit/whatever it's supposed to be.

Argh...

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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SLM
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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I quite liked this one. It held together nicely, progressed from a-b-c in a logical way.

The only thing that really struck me was that, when Trent ran away with the gun in his hand, wouldn't the cop have shot him? The cop just seems uninterested, but he had no reason not to know the gun was real.

I'd also say that the penultimate scene was rather confusingly written and I had trouble following it.

But, of the six I have read this morning, this one is the best. Let's say three out of five stars...
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, but I think it could be bumped up for comedy's sake. You have Trent's stomach make a lot of noise so obviously he needs to poop. That of course has been done before, but it works a lot of the time because everyone can identify with that situation of not being near a bathroom. Worked great in Dumb and Dumber. Since Trent is so desperate to go that he tries to fit through the cat door, I think there needs to be a payoff on his bathroom need. Something's has got to happen there. I kept waiting for him to have an "accident". Instead he's just hauled away by the cops.

I agree that the cop needs to act more cop like.  If a cop enters a store during an armed robbery, things get really intense right away.

The writing was fine, but a little too overwritten and descriptive on the first page. Other than that I thought you did a good job. Things escalate out of hand at a good pace. Make it funnier and it will work really well.


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dogglebe
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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This was a cute read.  I think you over-thought it when you wrote it.  There was just too much detail for me.  This would be better if it was shorter.  Still, it was nice.  An old-fashion comedy.


Phil
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Read it

Pretty well writen IMO.

The story is okay to me, kind of funny in spots. Nothing blows me away but it works.

Good job on getting it done.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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I feel this one meets the one location OWC rules.
All the locations are established in the opening descriptions.
Comedy is very subjective. More so than other genres, I feel.
I’m not a big fan of old school French style slapstick comedy.
Unless, under the influence, which I was when I read it.
I dug the exuberance over innovation you were going for.
Not everything has to redefine a genre, just do it well.
Could use a trim, but I was never lost on the page.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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I would say this script is a bit CORNIE in the least. Thought Sheldon laying down his gun and running out of the store was the weakest part for me. I don't think that would've worked well on film.

I did like the double referance of "For customers only".

Didn't like your use of slugs, so I'm with Jeff here. Wouldn't be surprised if someone wrote this just to piss him off. Lol....

good job completeing an OWC...

James


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was corney, too, but in a fun corney way.

I think you could amp up his restroom worry. Maybe gas, too?

And like Pia said, I think the poor guy should resolve his problem, but I liked the sign on the bus at the end.

Cute. I liked it.
Congrats on completing the OWC

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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This was really quite nicely done. There's two things I have to say.

1. When he saw the cat relieving himself in the cat box, I thought: THERE!!! There's a place to go at least!

He should have took that opportunity and then create some other kind of confrontation between Sheldon, who comes back (for some reason) and the officer and Carl and that distracts them for a bit.

2. This part:

TRENT Trent Page.
Enzo? Look in the
roadster and see...you’ve got it?
Great. I’ll be right there, ciao.

Really threw me off track.

Otherwise, this was very well done. Lovely title. Lovely comedy!

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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Whilst my first OWC I already appreciate the comedy scripts as they form light relief (excuse the pun).

Yeah needs tiding up and a few elements seemed to weaken it for me, such as the  putting the gun down, the telephone call etc

However, I thought the argument over the use of a toilet has potential for a funny skit.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

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darrentomalin
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the characters and the dialogue. It got lost towards the end a little there was a few directions I would have prefered to have seen but that is just me.
I hated the formatting of the action with individual headings, they were pointless and stuttered the flow. I imagine you were suggesting shots with them?
Great descriptions. Yeah, pretty good.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Heretic
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Thoughts:

Yeah, I'm with Pia.  All of the tension in the script is based on the initial problem.  The script is gonna be unsatisfying until he finds a place or shits himself.

Other than that, this is just the kind of thing I like.  Very very amusing.  I don't really have very much to say because it was exactly what it meant to be.  

But really...he's gotta go, some time in the script.

Thanks for the fun read!
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rc1107
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from 'For Customers Only'
Trent runs down the aisle towards the--
RESTROOM DOOR
Trent aims the gun at the dead bolt, pulls the trigger and--
SQUIRTS.
A stream of water out the muzzle onto the knob.


My favorite part of the whole script.  What sucks, though, is that it'll only be funny IN the script itself.  The joke won't come across on-screen.  Still funny as heck, though.

I did like it for the whole.  I don't really have too much to complain about, besides the fact of Sheldon, (whom for some reason I pictured Mike Shelton playing this part at first), just leaving the gun in the store.  Okay, maybe a speedfreak would do something like that, but I doubt if Carl would just leave it lying there on the shelf after everybody had left.

My heart goes out to Trent, as I was just recently in this position just a couple months ago.  I was walking home from work and it came from nowhere.  The only thing close was a laundromat.  I pleaded and the fucker wouldn't let me use the restroom.  If I knew which car was his in the parking lot, I would've let it go right on his hood and paid the fine with a smile on my face if the police had caught me.

Lol.  This script made me laugh, but at the same time just brought back a lot of anger that I thought I had dealt with.  I might pay that fucker a visit on my way to work this weekend.

- Mark


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greg
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I liked the situation but felt the humor wasn't as funny as it could have been.  The dude's stomach is growling the entire time so I was expecting him to crap his pants or a bunch of other toilet humor jokes to be involved.  Parts were also overwritten so the jokes weren't as snappy as they could have been, notably Sheldon's sequence.  

Now that I think about it, maybe it's better there wasn't more dirty toilet humor.  In a way it's kind of a curveball and makes the story more tame than it originally came off as.  I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

So it was entertaining.

Nice job.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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rdhay
Posted: September 21st, 2011, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. The protag's actions suited the situation, IMO. And I loved the end with the sign on the bus:p The only real problem I had with it was that the kid with the gun seemed to be a bit of a convenience.

Good job
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ArtyDoubleYou
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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I actually quite liked this. I think the main reason being because I expected the main gag would be he just cr@ps himself with a big FART sound or something. Glad he actually got arrested instead, that just tickled me a little. I also liked the cop saying 'nice watch', another little thing that just tickled me. I've said it before but simple things...

There were a few things that confused me a little. One being why is there a doggy door to the restroom? Should it not lead outside instead of the restroom? Secondly, if he had no money, how was he going to pay for the bus? Granted he hadn't noticed early but he still makes a run for it when the cop has him, but then surely he wouldn't still try to run for the bus when he knows he has no money, he's handcuffed AND he's covered in, well, he's dirty.

Good effort though.

Arty.
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c m hall
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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I think this is well written, and there are some funny moments (Sheldon realizes what he's done, etc.).

However, I found my attention straying several times while reading this.  And it's difficult to believe that the lead guy would have ever sat on that wretched bench, let alone waited for a bus.  IMHO.
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Andrew
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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To my mind, you got the perfect scenario in place for a OWC script and then failed to fully capitalise on it. This definitely felt like a piece influenced by the Ferrell and Smith humour base. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised to see Dante or Randal appear.

Shelton referring to Trent as 'suit' made me laugh. That, and the bus being fitted with toilets were definitely high points. Ricky Gervais recently said how he felt good comedy required  the comedian to possess a certain level of intelligence in creating moments that stick/resonate and (obviously not slighting your intelligence!) the fact 'for customers only' was tagged on the bus diluted the joke as it served your narrative rather than making a whole load of sense i.e. using a bus for a number 2 as a nonpaying customer. I think the joke is funnier and more ironic by virtue of the fact a toilet IS on the bus and not that it's 'for customers only'.  If you catcha my drifta. Not trying to intellectualise simple concepts but rather exploring reasoning for good jokes from good comedians who satirise everyday life for our amusement. The humour being in the fact we recognise the situation or people. At the core, your concept is one that many people can relate to, and that's what made it so promising.


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mcornetto
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a bit amazed that some people think I wrote this because it doesn't remind me of my scripts at all.

This was an amusing story but it didn't really make me laugh.  Like Andrew says above it's kind of a Ferrell or Smith humour which is pretty hit and miss with me.  That isn't to say you didn't do a good job writing it - I can't think of much more you could have done with the story (at least not at the moment).  It just fell a bit flat for me and needed something more to liven it up (at least for me).  But good job for the week.    
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Pii
Posted: September 23rd, 2011, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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It was a bit of a mixed bag. Technically it wasn't very spectacular, a lot of unnecessary shot directions and a quirky way of writing action elements that I didn't find very productive, even though it did add a nice voice to the writing. The only technical thing was that it missed (CONT'D) when a character is speaking repeatedly.

As for the plot itself, it was pretty ok. As someone with an irritable bowel syndrome, I can easily identify with the main character's problem but I agree with the others that there was no resolution. The guy was arrested as a result of a misunderstanding and I don't find those very amusing. And no, the character didn't get to relieve himself at any point. Actually, for someone who desperately needs to go, he performed quite extravagant gymnastics.

Didn't really pop for me, but it most definitely wasn't bad. The dialogue worked nicely.


The act of writing is a quest to put a hundred thousand words to a cunning order.
- Douglas Adams
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 23rd, 2011, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Giving a shout out to this one.

Man, I feel like spilling it with my true story...

Let's just say, "I was pissed off!!!" Hell hath no fury when a woman needs to go. And go, I did! I was prepared to go to jail because nature was calling and I couldn't help it.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the comments and suggestions!

I went through them all and tweaked on the script.
And this time, I'm not "throwing my voice", swear.

Here's the new draft! Enjoy!
As always, thanks for reading and commenting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Andrew
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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A cheeky little upgrade on the original. The stubby tail is a great addition, as is Trent defiantly, and desperately, shoving his head into the cat flap. The imagery with the cat could be amusingly shot. There's a shot in Four Lions where they drag one of the chaps under a garage door and it's so, so funny. With a bit of creativity, they've added great humour. The little things can make a difference.

There are, however, a couple of things bothering me with the logic. Firstly, the tweaker running out of the store with the gun on the floor. Why doesn't Trent pick it up? Or why doesn't the tweaker keep the pretence going? Sure, he's a tweaker after all just looking for a quick buck, and it's just comedy, but it still feels a little too illogical. Trent then goes on to try and use the gun on the doorknob.  It seems you want to keep the squirting of the doorknob bit in (it is funny) but it feels at the expense of the setup. Not sure if you ever saw Three Fugitives, but Martin Short robs a bank with a grenade and it's just a ridiculous setup. When he's falling asleep and about to drop it, Nick Nolte belts out "the GRENADE!" and it's very amusing. Perhaps changing the hold up weapon might give you a new lease of life. A tweaker is surely ripe territory for absurd weapons.

My second gripe links to the gun problem. The fact Trent is arrested after what the cops sees seems a little unlikely. He's just the victim of a very undesirable situation after all. It doesn't seem fitting. IMO, if you change the weapon, you open up the possibilities and eradicate these problems as I see them. For others this setup may work, but I do think you need to change the dynamic a little.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from grademan
This was predictable. A guy has to go to the restroom and complications follow. I think if urgency would have added a little zip to the story. Not bad though.


Hey Gary!

I tried to add some physical "urgency" into the new draft.
More grimacing, wincing, leg crossing, etc.
And there's some added "flavor" to the ending too!
Hope that helps!


This was pretty amusing, I think it sucks that some places dun let you use the washroom, i been stuck in that situation before, i think the dude should have just whipped it out and pissed all over the floor


Hey Jordan!

LOL, I wasn't gonna go all Gerard Depardieu on the OWC.
But the French style slapstick humor is all over the script.
Probably due to me listening to the score to this film while writing!
Micmacs! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1149361/


Quoted from SLM
I quite liked this one. It held together nicely, progressed from a-b-c in a logical way.
The only thing that really struck me was that, when Trent ran away with the gun in his hand, wouldn't the cop have shot him?


Hey Simon!
I see your point, I addressed that in this new draft.
I added some comical imagery to "disarm" the cop.
Hope this helps!


Quoted from dogglebe
This was a cute read.  I think you over-thought it when you wrote it.  There was just too much detail for me.  This would be better if it was shorter.  Still, it was nice.  An old-fashion comedy.

Phil


Hey Phil!

I hear you on the over thinking.
I went all Rube Goldberg in the heat of the moment.
I streamlined the writing and tried to move it along better this draft.
Knocked out a page, but wrote a half page of new stuff. Oh well!


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Since Trent is so desperate to go that he tries to fit through the cat door, I think there needs to be a payoff on his bathroom need. Something's has got to happen there. I kept waiting for him to have an "accident". Instead he's just hauled away by the cops.

I agree that the cop needs to act more cop like.  If a cop enters a store during an armed robbery, things get really intense right away.

The writing was fine, but a little too overwritten and descriptive on the first page.

Hey Pia!

In the new draft, there is a pay off to Trent's unfortunate situation.
Instead of getting all serious with the cop.
I decided to try an enhance the absurdity to "disarm" the cop.
And I toned down the first page a tad, as well as the whacky slugs. Hope this helps!


Quoted from jwent6688
I would say this script is a bit CORNIE in the least. Thought Sheldon laying down his gun and running out of the store was the weakest part for me.

Didn't like your use of slugs, so I'm with Jeff here. Wouldn't be surprised if someone wrote this just to piss him off. Lol....

James

Hey James!

So, it was you that started accusing Cornetto of writing this!
He caught flak for this one all week. AND was a good sport about it!
I deliberately threw my voice, but at no one in particular. I swear!

In the new draft, I deal with the gun a bit differently.
And I cleaned up most of the wiggy slug work.
I was curious to see if anyone would figure me out.


Quoted from CindyLKeller
I thought this one was corney, too, but in a fun corney way.

I think you could amp up his restroom worry. Maybe gas, too?

And like Pia said, I think the poor guy should resolve his problem, but I liked the sign on the bus at the end.

Cindy

Hey Cindy!

You jumped on the Cornie train too!
I did amplify the "anxious" antics in the new draft.
And yes, there is a resolution now to poor Trent's problem. Enjoy!


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

This was really quite nicely done. There's two things I have to say.

1. When he saw the cat relieving himself in the cat box, I thought: THERE!!! There's a place to go at least!

2. This part:

TRENT Trent Page.
Enzo? Look in the
roadster and see...you’ve got it?
Great. I’ll be right there, ciao.

Really threw me off track.

Otherwise, this was very well done. Lovely title. Lovely comedy!

Sandra

Hey Sandra!

Trent would happily use the litter box, if he could get through that PET DOOR!
And I added a parenthetical and cleaned up the phone answering description.
Hope this helps and you enjoy the new draft!

Regards to All,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  September 28th, 2011, 12:20pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Heretic

Yeah, I'm with Pia.  All of the tension in the script is based on the initial problem.  The script is gonna be unsatisfying until he finds a place

Hey Heretic!

I tried to address that "issue" in the new draft. Hope it helps your enjoyment!


Quoted from rc1107

I don't really have too much to complain about, besides the fact of Sheldon, (whom for some reason I pictured Mike Shelton playing this part at first), just leaving the gun in the store.  Okay, maybe a speedfreak would do something like that, but I doubt if Carl would just leave it lying there on the shelf after everybody had left.

My heart goes out to Trent, as I was just recently in this position just a couple months ago.  I was walking home from work and it came from nowhere.  The only thing close was a laundromat.  
- Mark

Hey Mark!

I changed how the gun is handled in the new draft.
I tried to make Sheldon's "disarming" a little more plausible.
However, Carl would not touch the gun, it's evidence and cops are one the way.
I don't know why folks think a clerk would touch the gun. But many do!

My goal was to create a simple, but universal scenario for some comic fun.
Go get that laundromat jerk!


Quoted from greg

The dude's stomach is growling the entire time so I was expecting him to crap his pants or a bunch of other toilet humor jokes to be involved.  

Now that I think about it, maybe it's better there wasn't more dirty toilet humor.  In a way it's kind of a curveball and makes the story more tame than it originally came off as.  I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

Greg

Hey Greg!

I did rework the resolution in the new draft. Hope it helps.
I initially went with the "tame curveball", it's instinctual for me.
However, this time around, I tried to satisfy the toilet humor crowd too.


Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou

There were a few things that confused me a little. One being why is there a doggy door to the restroom? Should it not lead outside instead of the restroom? Secondly, if he had no money, how was he going to pay for the bus?

Arty.

Hey Arty!

The PET DOOR (changed it in the new draft) is for the surly cat.
Hence, the litter box in the restroom. Sure, a cat could go outside.
But, in my mind it was more ghetto funny to put the box in the bathroom.
People have to see the soiled litter box while trying to do their business.

Trent runs for the bus because, he as to go, it's all he can think about.
I saw the image in my mind, and I had to put it in there.
Hopefully, that all comes across clearer in the new draft!


Quoted from Andrew

The fact 'for customers only' was tagged on the bus diluted the joke as it served your narrative rather than making a whole load of sense i.e. using a bus for a number 2 as a nonpaying customer. I think the joke is funnier and more ironic by virtue of the fact a toilet IS on the bus.

Hey Andrew!

You make a strong case, so I went with it in the new draft.
Which I see, your super speed reading skills has already breezed through!
I appreciate the analytical approach to scatelogical humor.


Quoted from mcornetto
I'm a bit amazed that some people think I wrote this because it doesn't remind me of my scripts at all.

It just fell a bit flat for me and needed something more to liven it up (at least for me).    

Hey Cornie!

First off, thanks for being a SUPER SPORT about the blame game this OWC.
You took a lot of c*ap for my potty story!
I had no intention of laying this one, at your feet, per se.
I just wanted to "throw my voice" to see if anyone could figure out it was me.
But, me thinks you were onto me towards the end of the guessing game!

I've reworked some of the jokes and wonky slug fest in the new draft.
Give 'em what they want, so long as they keep coming back!


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

Giving a shout out to this one.

Man, I feel like spilling it with my true story...

Let's just say, "I was pissed off!!!" Hell hath no fury when a woman needs to go. And go, I did! I was prepared to go to jail because nature was calling and I couldn't help it.

Sandra

Hey Sandra!

I must "come clean".
This did start out as a dramatic expose of constipated melodrama gone awry.
Maybe I shoulda put a SUPER on the ending:
Every day, 5,000 Americans have to buy gum to use a "public" toilet.

Thanks to all again for the reads. Hope the new draft works!

Regards to All,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  September 28th, 2011, 12:23pm
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rc1107
Posted: October 1st, 2011, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from E.D.
I don't know why folks think a clerk would touch the gun. But many do!


I'd take it in case the speedfreak comes back again.  Why keep it where he could get it?  Just don't grab the handle or trigger.

Also, what if a customer comes in.  Would you just leave the gun lying there for anybody to grab?

I just saw you got the 2nd draft up, I think.  I'll take a look at it after Clone Wife today.  (Woohoo!  I got a whole day off and so far, they haven't called me in yet!)


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gmanp
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Good story. As a person that has IBS I can relate to the premise. Though these feels more like a clip of something bigger. I didn't understand how a well off man gets stuck at a bus station (with no money). I also agree that the cop would have shot at Trent when he tried to run. There were some great moments in the story though, I really liked the twist with the sign on the bus.
Good job overall. I enjoyed it.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 12th, 2011, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107


I'd take it in case the speedfreak comes back again.  Why keep it where he could get it?  Just don't grab the handle or trigger.

Also, what if a customer comes in.  Would you just leave the gun lying there for anybody to grab?

I just saw you got the 2nd draft up, I think.


Hey Mark,

I tried to address this a little better in the new draft.
But, I just don't see a clerk picking up the gun.
Carl knows the cops are on the way, he pressed the panic button.
I actually went to a convenience store once that had just been robbed.
The clerk told me I couldn't go inside, it was a crime scene and cops were en route.

Here, the twist is Carl knows all that, but he wants that Rolex, if he can snatch it! ;D

Yup, this is a new draft, with quite a few tweaks sprinkled throughout.
Let's see if this one grabs ya.

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 13th, 2011, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from gmanp
Good story. As a person that has IBS I can relate to the premise. Though these feels more like a clip of something bigger. I didn't understand how a well off man gets stuck at a bus station (with no money). I also agree that the cop would have shot at Trent when he tried to run. There were some great moments in the story though, I really liked the twist with the sign on the bus.
Good job overall. I enjoyed it.


Hey, GM!

Thanks for the read on the new draft.
IBS seems more common that I had thought.
When I wrote this, I had no idea how many would identify with this scenario.
I tried to make Trent's run for the bathroom so outlandish, the cop would just watch.

Who know, maybe some day I'll use this in one of my features!

I appreciate your read and comments.
Let me know if I can return the gesture.
See you around!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi Brett,

I wasn't sure what you would change. I see you've added a couple things. I like the newspaper tail. Haha!

I think there should be a winner so to say of the bathroom battle between the guy and the clerk.

The poor guy had to hold it for a looong time. I would have liked to seen him get even with the clerk before he gets hauled off by the cops. You know, if he can't get the key, he takes a dump someplace in the store. Then the cops can come in expecting a robbery and say, "Ew, what is that smell?"

And the clerk would be like, "Son of a..."

Anyway, it is still a quick and enjoyable read.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
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ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Hi Brett,

I wasn't sure what you would change. I see you've added a couple things. I like the newspaper tail. Haha!

I think there should be a winner so to say of the bathroom battle between the guy and the clerk.

The poor guy had to hold it for a looong time. I would have liked to seen him get even with the clerk before he gets hauled off by the cops. You know, if he can't get the key, he takes a dump someplace in the store. Then the cops can come in expecting a robbery and say, "Ew, what is that smell?"

And the clerk would be like, "Son of a..."

Anyway, it is still a quick and enjoyable read.

Cindy


Hey Cindy,

Thanks for the read, glad you liked the newspaper tail.
Just came to me while I was writing.

The rival getting more direct resolution could be fun.
I'll have to marinate that and revisit this sometime.

And the new fresh draft of Clone Wife went love tonight.
Thanks for asking.

Cheers,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  October 31st, 2011, 8:36pm
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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: November 25th, 2011, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Hi. The story is interesting, but ending is not. I mean in my opinion the story has begining, middle, but not end.
You might wanna let the police to let him go after some headache. Then he barely catches his buss and inside finds out it has restroom and smiles.
This way I think you have a proper end.

Hope it helps.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 26th, 2011, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jahon Bahrom
Hi. The story is interesting, but ending is not. I mean in my opinion the story has begining, middle, but not end.
You might wanna let the police to let him go after some headache. Then he barely catches his buss and inside finds out it has restroom and smiles.
This way I think you have a proper end.

Hope it helps.


Jahon,

Thanks for the read.
This one gets a lot of reads from producers.
Trent does get to relieve himself, just not where he wanted to.
I thought I was fairly explicit about that, I could take another look at it. Thanks.

As to your feature, I'll take a look as my work schedule allows.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Miguel
Posted: November 26th, 2011, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this!  It was an entertaining and quick read.   Fun, fun, fun.  Thanks for sharing it.
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