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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Consummation - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    Consummation - OWC  (currently 4011 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Consummation by Lameth - Short - A couple's wedding night takes a horrific turn… 7 pages - pdf, format


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting indeed especially the ending. I have more questions about the b.g. to this piece and about Karly. There two scenes specifically that needs editing, only in Peter's dialogue. The dildo scene and the bat hitting scene. Cut the dialogue half way and let the action take place.


Hope this helps,
Gabr


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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leitskev
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Clever story. I guessed from early on that Karly was a prostitute and a man, but I didn't see the meat distributor thing coming.

Question: did she distribute her own meat? Ok, that was bad.

Congrats on playing. Nice work.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to say.  Not sure what happened...or why?

Definitely didn't work for me, sorry to say.  I read and my eyes kind of went in a WTF way, and waited to see what was going on and why.

As I said on another, much better script, you need to watch what you really write and understand that this thing is hard R to NC 17 rating...doubt anyone is going to remotely think about filming this.

Not sure if this is a pisser or a serious entry even.  It's already gone from my memory.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty twisted, which I like. I think I may have an idea who wrote this one, not many people willing to go this far, I always like when a writer takes things just over the line, not afraid to be distasteful, but it is also written pretty well. This had a nice twist with the meat house thingy. I would change how they said head mistress and said madam (insert name), sounds more believable, at least for me.  Good job on the OWC, a real twisted tale.


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SLM
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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Have to agree with Dreamscale - this did not work for me at all. Felt sorry for poor old Ralph. Being dark is one thing, I thought this was just rather mean spirited.

One thing struck me - a cricket bat? This made me think the writer is British (or Commonwealth) but if not, why a cricket bat?
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mcornetto
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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I didn't dislike it.   I did think it was a bit rough around the edges - maybe a bit rough period - but I think it has its "merits".   It's obviously a writer that isn't afraid to go balls out.

The cricket bat led me to think this might be a Canadian because I didn't get the impression from the dialogue that it was British or Australian.  Who knows it could be an American that crazily knows about cricket (or maybe they saw a cricket bat on some sex site).

I think this needs to be fleshed out a bit because things happen way too fast and I think that affects the experience of the script.  There should be some time taken to set things up and then to savour.

I had absolutely no problem with the content (though it was pretty twisted) and can easily see someone wanting to get into one of the rawer film festivals making this film.  

Good work for a week.    
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grademan
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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When I was done, my first thought was "damn that was twisted"

Consummation = consumption, I get it. Throw in some dildos, a same gender wedding with a cross dresser, and you have an unusual story. This was a bit much for my tastes. The stuttering was way over done. The writer did drop some hints about Karly’s identity.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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I think the cricket bat was used because it's shaped like a paddle. Not a lot of people use baseball bats to "spank" someone...

Anyway, this didn't really work for me at all.  I got excited and had good hopes when all the dildos were lined up and thought "this will be good". But what happened after that just ruined it for me. I didn't understand the point of this story at all. It gave me an idea for a story though so I guess I didn't go away empty handed.

The writing was fine.


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dogglebe
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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I used a baseball bat, once, to spank someone.  I spent eight months in the lock-up for it.

This story didn't do anything for me.  I've seen too many movies where a beautiful woman marries a toad and it's never for love.

This piece was too heavily detailed.  It probably could be written in about four or five pages.  Your description of Ralph was way of the top.  You could've just said he was an obese guy with greasy hair and a bad complexion.  We get the point from this.

It was a cute ending, but everything leading up to it made me think, 'when is this going to end?'


Phil
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Lexalicous
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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OWC rules respected:

Absolutely.

Originality:

It was somewhere between a psycho-movie and porn... but very inventive after all.

Formatting:

Fine with me, writing well done.

Overall opinion:

Sorry, not the kind of movie I'd like to watch. I'm not against sex scenes, but it should be a little more subtle. This way, it was too much.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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This one fits the parameters of the contest without a problem.
Kimmy’s boots get the lead for “best accessory description award”.
“Whatever you say, KARL-LEE”, would’ve been chuckle worthy.
The closing exposition wasn’t as intriguing as the start.
The stereotypes were laid on a bit thick for my taste.
The action descriptions could be crisper.
Start with the most important thing the audience needs to know.
Then slap a present tense verb on it and go from there.

Regards,
E.D.


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c m hall
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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There's some action and some actual tension in the story.  I can imagine Pandora Boxx in the role of Karly.  
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing the OWC

Not sure I cared for it though.

I thought this was out there, but then came the part about the meat and I was like, What? Where did that come from? Now where are we going? Oh, okay nowhere. It was mentioned then dropped.

I think you added that for an extra shock, but I think that was just too much to add to a story that already had a lot going on in it.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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darrentomalin
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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Certainly one of the most controversial and adult entries. I think the majority of writers automatically think of grim scenarios when faced with minimal characters and location. It is a confining concept.
Anyhoo - I found this a little bit too uncomfortable and almost gross. It is quite well written (in my limited experience) and watching Karly and Ralph was like watching a car crash - you shouldn't watch but you can't help it.
I knew Ralph was doomed from the moment he was introduced but the sexual theme to his death gave it gave it an even nastier taste.
Daz


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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