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Consummation - OWC (currently 4011 views) |
Don |
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:00pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Consummation by Lameth - Short - A couple's wedding night takes a horrific turn… 7 pages - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Mr.Ripley |
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:36pm |
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January Project Group Writing
LocationNew York Posts1979 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Interesting indeed especially the ending. I have more questions about the b.g. to this piece and about Karly. There two scenes specifically that needs editing, only in Peter's dialogue. The dildo scene and the bat hitting scene. Cut the dialogue half way and let the action take place.
Hope this helps, Gabr |
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leitskev |
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:21pm |
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Posts3113 Posts Per Day 0.64 |
Clever story. I guessed from early on that Karly was a prostitute and a man, but I didn't see the meat distributor thing coming.
Question: did she distribute her own meat? Ok, that was bad.
Congrats on playing. Nice work. |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:46pm |
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Not sure what to say. Not sure what happened...or why?
Definitely didn't work for me, sorry to say. I read and my eyes kind of went in a WTF way, and waited to see what was going on and why.
As I said on another, much better script, you need to watch what you really write and understand that this thing is hard R to NC 17 rating...doubt anyone is going to remotely think about filming this.
Not sure if this is a pisser or a serious entry even. It's already gone from my memory.
Congrats on completing an OWC entry. |
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The boy who could fly |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 1:44am |
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Old Timer
LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts1387 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
This one was pretty twisted, which I like. I think I may have an idea who wrote this one, not many people willing to go this far, I always like when a writer takes things just over the line, not afraid to be distasteful, but it is also written pretty well. This had a nice twist with the meat house thingy. I would change how they said head mistress and said madam (insert name), sounds more believable, at least for me. Good job on the OWC, a real twisted tale. |
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SLM |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 2:04am |
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Have to agree with Dreamscale - this did not work for me at all. Felt sorry for poor old Ralph. Being dark is one thing, I thought this was just rather mean spirited.
One thing struck me - a cricket bat? This made me think the writer is British (or Commonwealth) but if not, why a cricket bat? |
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mcornetto |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 4:09am |
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I didn't dislike it. I did think it was a bit rough around the edges - maybe a bit rough period - but I think it has its "merits". It's obviously a writer that isn't afraid to go balls out.
The cricket bat led me to think this might be a Canadian because I didn't get the impression from the dialogue that it was British or Australian. Who knows it could be an American that crazily knows about cricket (or maybe they saw a cricket bat on some sex site).
I think this needs to be fleshed out a bit because things happen way too fast and I think that affects the experience of the script. There should be some time taken to set things up and then to savour.
I had absolutely no problem with the content (though it was pretty twisted) and can easily see someone wanting to get into one of the rawer film festivals making this film.
Good work for a week. |
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grademan |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:07am |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
When I was done, my first thought was "damn that was twisted"
Consummation = consumption, I get it. Throw in some dildos, a same gender wedding with a cross dresser, and you have an unusual story. This was a bit much for my tastes. The stuttering was way over done. The writer did drop some hints about Karly’s identity. |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:12am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
I think the cricket bat was used because it's shaped like a paddle. Not a lot of people use baseball bats to "spank" someone...
Anyway, this didn't really work for me at all. I got excited and had good hopes when all the dildos were lined up and thought "this will be good". But what happened after that just ruined it for me. I didn't understand the point of this story at all. It gave me an idea for a story though so I guess I didn't go away empty handed.
The writing was fine. |
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dogglebe |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 9:17am |
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I used a baseball bat, once, to spank someone. I spent eight months in the lock-up for it.
This story didn't do anything for me. I've seen too many movies where a beautiful woman marries a toad and it's never for love.
This piece was too heavily detailed. It probably could be written in about four or five pages. Your description of Ralph was way of the top. You could've just said he was an obese guy with greasy hair and a bad complexion. We get the point from this.
It was a cute ending, but everything leading up to it made me think, 'when is this going to end?'
Phil |
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Lexalicous |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:38am |
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New
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OWC rules respected:
Absolutely.
Originality:
It was somewhere between a psycho-movie and porn... but very inventive after all.
Formatting:
Fine with me, writing well done.
Overall opinion:
Sorry, not the kind of movie I'd like to watch. I'm not against sex scenes, but it should be a little more subtle. This way, it was too much. |
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Electric Dreamer |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:07am |
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Old Timer Taking a long vacation from the holidays.
LocationLos Angeles Posts2740 Posts Per Day 0.55 |
This one fits the parameters of the contest without a problem. Kimmy’s boots get the lead for “best accessory description award”. “Whatever you say, KARL-LEE”, would’ve been chuckle worthy. The closing exposition wasn’t as intriguing as the start. The stereotypes were laid on a bit thick for my taste. The action descriptions could be crisper. Start with the most important thing the audience needs to know. Then slap a present tense verb on it and go from there.
Regards, E.D. |
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c m hall |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 6:05pm |
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Locationpeninsula of Jersey Posts422 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
There's some action and some actual tension in the story. I can imagine Pandora Boxx in the role of Karly. |
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CindyLKeller |
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:07pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Congrats on finishing the OWC
Not sure I cared for it though.
I thought this was out there, but then came the part about the meat and I was like, What? Where did that come from? Now where are we going? Oh, okay nowhere. It was mentioned then dropped.
I think you added that for an extra shock, but I think that was just too much to add to a story that already had a lot going on in it.
Cindy |
| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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darrentomalin |
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:59am |
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Posts247 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Certainly one of the most controversial and adult entries. I think the majority of writers automatically think of grim scenarios when faced with minimal characters and location. It is a confining concept. Anyhoo - I found this a little bit too uncomfortable and almost gross. It is quite well written (in my limited experience) and watching Karly and Ralph was like watching a car crash - you shouldn't watch but you can't help it. I knew Ralph was doomed from the moment he was introduced but the sexual theme to his death gave it gave it an even nastier taste. Daz
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