As I go:

Page 1:  Katia's first big line is a little clunky to me.  Sorta the cliche checklist for this kinda line.  There's got to be something unique about this situation that would lead to the daughter having something unique to say -- or, if there isn't, the daughter saying something unique works in itself.

Page 3:  So the question posed is -- will God help these kids?  Will the mother help God help her kids?  Takes a long time to set up this fairly simple idea.  In fact, the first few lines probably set up this idea.

Thoughts:

Hmm.  Well -- your proposition is that God doesn't exist, or won't help, or won't help those who don't help themselves.  Not particularly interesting in itself, though, is it?  The story's mean, well-written but mean, and it serves a strong proposition.  It's technically very well written.  But here's the thing --

God doesn't exist, and THEREFORE...

That's what I feel we're kinda missing with this script.  It's not enough to just be nasty.  Why bother?  Life's nasty enough.  We gotta find out here what it is that's important about that nastiness.  Not that it has to be a positive message -- just that it has to tell us more than, "Life is bad".

Very strong writing.  The characters and dialogue were strong and this would have an emotional impact if filmed.  But is that really all you want to get out of people?  An emotional impact?  It's not that hard.  Shoot a dog, stab a kid, kill a kid's father in front of him.  I think you have the ability to do more than create well-written tragedy with a pointlessly broad message (God is dead).  Those who believe aren't going to be swayed, those who don't aren't going to be enlightened.  What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

Anyway, just ramblings.  Very strong work.

Thanks for the interesting read.

I'm sorry I can't read this one, the print is too small.  

Okay, in terms of the writing, I agree that this was the best so far, easily. But I also agree that there doesn't seem to be a very good/clear point in it. The religious side didn't really work for me. Overall, I think it was a solid effort but would probably do better as part of a feature.

Good job

I also had a hard time reading this as in I couldn't get it to come up full screen. I mustered my way through it though.

This is a nice dark piece which is right up my alley. Brutal and real. I think the writer should've used the extra pages given to build a little more reltionship between the children before all hell breaks loose. Maybe even give Maria a few lines. As it is, she's pretty much just a lump on the couch the whole time.

The writing on display here is good. With the exception of inconsisten slug usage. You started out with mini slugs when moving from room to room then go all out full slugs. I'm surprised Jeff didn't point that out.

All in all pretty good work here. Good job completeing the OWC...

James

Well, that was an uplifting tale if I ever read one.

The writing was competent throughout, but I can't say I liked it very much because of the subject matter. Drug explorations are really depressing and this is just about as depressing as you can go. No retribution, no resolution, nothing but carnage and abuse, which makes me question if there is no point either. Sure, it's a slice or life and probably a bit too realistic, but I was left with the question of what this was about.

In the end, this felt like it was dark for the sake of darkness, like unfortunately a lot of things today are. A lot of the critics mistake darkness for reality, but I don't think if the purpose in this was to imply that it was realistic.

However, the writing worked well, so I can't but compliment the writer even if the story was not to my liking.

Hey Jeff,

What very dark tale you have. Good read but I think there needs to be a ending because what's here is just a cliffhanger.

This could be shorten a bit. Trim some dialgoue like when katia tells hector on page 2 "God will hear our prayers. He'll protect her...and help her. She's got to help herself, too." Eliminate the last line because that line doesn't go with the theme in this script which is Does God hear prayers?

Also, I don't believe Katia can call Hector mijo or vise versa. They should call each other by nick name or full name. This applies to the uncle as well. Mijo/a is more appropriate for parents to use on their children, not children with children or even an uncle with a nephew. I would even go further and say change it.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Okay read it.

The writting is well done.

The story is tough to digest in such a short amount of time. Lots of bad stuff going on there. But it felt "real" enough. Good job IMO.

Well done on getting it completed.

I was able to read this, finally, and it was well worth the effort.  Dialogue and characters are beautifully written, but I wonder about Katia's garbled words at the ending... I'm guessing she forces herself to speak in English because the police tearing through the door speak English, and we know that she prompted her brother to pray in English, so with a stretch I can accept that this child believes that God speaks only English... but since she was shot in the neck, her garbled words might be lost to the audience, and they're too important.
Also, I think the audience would benefit from seeing an anguished face of a police officer, instantly grasping the wreckage of these lives, at the closing.

Here's another one that got by me the first go round.  I thought the characters were believable, as was the dismal setting.  The Mexican slang seemed pretty well handled.  Others have mentioned there was just a little too much hard luck crammed into one short and I agree.  

I think Maria's hair catching on fire was a mistake.  I think having her wake up, come to her senses and see the carnage splayed out in front of her would be punishment enough.  And a more fitting ending.  As it's written now, I think an opportunity for a heartbreaking moment is wasted because Maria never sees her dead and dying family around her.

I don't think you needed that first Fade Out, Fade In.  "LATER" would have worked just as well, if not better.

Katia's final line of "God, are you there?"  just felt heavy handed.

Good work for an OWC

This script pissed me off.  Only because the size of the document and the fact that I couldn't enlarge it.  Plus I didn't have my glasses, so I was extra screwed.

But I liked the story, though.  A lot.  Of course, anybody who knows the kind of stories I do like would know that this one would shoot straight to the top of my list.  This is actually the first drama in this OWC that I would've put in my top 3.  The other 2 are comedies.

There have been some interesting points brought up already about this one.  I think the most interesting would be what James brought up, about giving the mother a couple lines in the beginning so she's not just a lump.  I think hearing a couple words from her would help to build up the dread, too.

Personally, coming from someone who's lived in Miami for a couple years, I think you did a tremendous job with the Spanglish.  There might've been a sentence that didn't seem right, but that's all.  The rest sounded very authentic while still able to get across the point of what they were saying.

I didn't like how Hector just showed up out of nowhere with a gun.  I would've liked to have seen that foreshadowed.  (I know, I know, you hate foreshadowing.)  But, especially in a script that's this detailed and kind of jumbled, it's too out of nowhere.

I'm also not a big fan of Maria catching herself on fire.  That was a little much.  I would've liked to just see her turn around and see all the carnage for herself, then see her reaction to it all.  Or her non-reaction.

All in all, though, it's still the strongest drama that I've read so far in this challenge.  An excellent job and I really enjoyed the story.  (Well, not enjoyed, of course.  It was depressing as hell, but you know what I mean.)

- Mark

Hey, wanted to thank the 16 OWC entrants who read my script (you know who you are), prior to the reveal.  Thank you very much, it’s much appreciated!

Also, want to throw out a special thanks to James and Catherine who looked at this prior to the reveal (although Catherine couldn’t read it for some reason – don’t worry, you’ll be thanked again).

And, want to thank the 5 of you, who read and commented after the fact (including Catherine!).

First off, I have to say something that isn’t going to sit very well with some, but hopefully will sit with those it’s intended for.  IMO, it’s quite disappointing that out of 29 OWC writers, only 16 actually read/and or decided to comment before the reveal.  Whether you liked this script or not, it was well written and time and thought was put into it.  It was meant to be different, stand out, and be memorable in terms of characters, actions, and story, and IMO, deserved a much better reception in terms of the amount of feedback.

As opposed to trying to respond to each and every comment, I’m going to try and let you know what I was after, what was going down, and hopefully answer a few questions/concerns in the process.

After hearing the challenge theme and considerations, I didn’t come up with anything right off the bat…nor did I really think much about it until the middle of the week.  One thing I wanted to do, no matter where the story was going to go, was adhere to the guidelines.  I’m against using actors playing multiple roles, as I feel it’s a big cheat to get around the limitations of the guidelines, but I did decide at the last minute to have a V.O. from a new character at the end.  In terms of the “1 location” limitation, I knew immediately that IMO, it wasn’t saying that all the action had to take place in a single room, so I had no problem whatsoever, setting this in a small, 1 bedroom apartment, which could be shot cheaply and easily by literally anyone.  I did decide to have 1 scene take place just outside the front door, but again, in terms of shooting this on the cheap, it’s merely a matter of filming literally right outside the front door of the generic, cheapass apartment.

So, IMO, I was adamant that I would stay within the guidelines and produce a script that could easily be filmed on the down low.  There are some FX gunshot wounds that, as written, would entail some minor cost and talent, but they could also be done without revealing the actual entry wounds and FX as written.  I was very happy with the end result and was pretty sure no one would have a problem with this not meeting all stated guidelines.

So, as some of you may know, things are far from going well in my little world.  I decided on a very dark, ugly, and brutal tale, which definitely stemmed from the way I was feeling.

My ex-wife is Mexican, and half her family is as well, so I was/am privy to Mexican slang, Spanish lingo, and the “Mexican way” as well…as in many are very religious, God fearing, and have the utmost “faith”, while being prone to a bad way of life (and no, I’m not trying to generalize, be stereotypical, or negative toward anyone).

I wanted to weave religion into the darkness and I thought I found a pretty cool way to do it, while also bringing in a theme and question that most ask throughout their life…and one that I’ve sure been asking a lot lately – is God there and if he is, does he really give a shit about those that pray to him and believe he is there to protect them.  This is not meant to offer any social/religious commentary, but more so, give ach reader the opportunity to draw their own conclusions, and feelings on the subject.

I think a few missed what I was after here, in terms of religion and God, and how they played into this.  On one hand, you could say, based on how everything played out , that God, indeed can’t or doesn’t intervene and help those that ask of his help.  But then again, on the other hand, the one “true believer” here, Katia, was saved at the end and why anyone feels it’s ambiguous as to whether or not she survives, is beyond me.  The cops bust down the door, and she is obviously alive when they come in, so for me, at least, it’s quite clear, and intended, that she is going to survive. Her little bro, Hector was not as fortunate, obviously.

So, for a quick second, to address one of the complaints about Hector’s demise, let me give a little info.  In the scene, Hector shoots Santi (and Kat, by accident, obviously), and then shoots Santi again in the face, as he comes at him.  Santi’s an adult, Hector’s a little kid.  As Santi attempts to disarm Hector (as he’s shot at point blank range in the face), his forward momentum carries him into the little tike.  His weight as he falls, causes Hector’s arm/hand, holding the gun, to turn in towards his (Hector’s) body, and as this happens, Hector squeezes off a final fatal shot, into his own body.  I didn’t want to get ridiculous and show Hector getting killed, and IMO, didn’t need to, as it is pretty clear, he dies from the final gunshot.

As for Maria…well, let’s just say that IMO, she doesn’t deserve to live…or even be alive.  She’s pathetic…doesn’t give a shit about herself or her 2 kids.  The reason I decided to add (late into the game,  as it it was the final piece of writing before I submitted it) Maria’s hair catching fire, was to signal that she wasn’t going to survive, but also, I wanted her to suffer, as she so deserves.

One final comment/thought about the theme here, which I actually wanted to be prevalent (for a change!).   I like using a heavy hand at times to make certain things stand out…here, it was the religious and faith based ideas.  IMO, when something is clearly being focused on, the reader/viewer tends to get an idea that it will come into play in some major way – here, the question is whether or not God will indeed step in, and once things start going downhill fast, that question comes into play.  Here, I wanted to leave it up to each individual as to whether or not God did intervene or not, and whether there is merit to such devout faith.  Based on the title, one can only assume my feelings toward the world in general as of late, but for the record, I do still believe, still have the faith, and hope that things would only be worse, if not for God’s intervention, but sometimes it seems like He no longer cares.

Jeff writing thematic stories! It must be almost 2012. And Hell just dropped a hundred degrees!

Seems like pretty much everyone liked the execution of this story. Some just thought it was a little too much in terms of bad shite happening. But that's what you felt when you wrote it, so it works.

Now that you like themes, can we tempt you with an aside or two? Maybe a cat to save? We'll leave the orphans where they belong, though. This is no place for orphans.

Quoted from leitskev We'll leave the orphans where they belong, though. This is no place for orphans.

Meh, orphans... Shmorphans! I dunno why Jeff adopted this argument and will never see its validity. I understand if you're writing for MP and need to savor those few pages your alotted, but in the big picture, I don't think it means squat while writing a feature.

A well written sentence is exactly that. I would never reconstruct it merely on the fact that it bleeds over one line by a single word.

I just like to pop up in Jeff's scripts threads every now and again and kick him in the balls. Then again, love to see us all drop the orphan argument.

James

Here's what's been my experience in my brief time writing as far as orphans. Whenever I end up with one, it does prompt me to look for a way to reword things so that it dies. Most of the time, I end up with a sentence that actually sounds better. Sometimes I can't, so I leave the orphan. At the end of the script, I have an orphan here and there. Probably between 5 and 10 for a feature length script. So at most a quarter a page. The real benefit has been that it pushes me to word things not only more efficiently, but often more effectively. That might be less true with more experienced writers though.

I stay conscious of it too while I write. Pisses me off when I go over by one word. But, you can't call that bad writing IMO. Or say it's something that needs fixed. It just happens sometimes. And, if the writer is comfortable with their sentence and having an orphan, they shouldn't have to go back and try to eliminate it.

On the other hand, I'm all for economical writing.

James