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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  What a Wonderful World - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    What a Wonderful World - OWC  (currently 4682 views)
Don
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What a Wonderful World by Mem - Short - Sometimes, the world can seem like a downright cruel and ugly place.  But God protects his faithful...doesn't he? 9 pages - pdf, format


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grademan
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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A worthy entry! Although a tad heavy on religion and Spanish in the beginning, the story establishes the girl as a true believer.

Thank you for not using “God works in mysterious ways…” line.

I thought this was going to be a have faith story, but it turned away from that so the title has a darker meaning.

No need for fade in/fade out besides at the front and end,
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Now your talking. I found this powerful, dynamic and chilling.

Best of what I have read so far.

Do I have an issue? Is there one? The only things that jumped out were;

# boy appearing with gun?
# I thought the young girl had gone, so her final hurrah seemed a surprise.

Good stuff.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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greg
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Created a mood, that's for sure, but I didn't really like this.  Frankly, 8 pages of a depressing self-destructive family isn't that much different than 8 pages of torture porn since everything for the characters is going to suck in the end.  Granted, you took a different route by not having anything uplifting at all, but that just leaves us with, well, blood, crack, and the cops.  But as it is, I didn't come away with anything from this story.  It was just depressing.  And the guy rapes his own sister?  Where the hell did that come from?  It just felt like piling crap on for the sake of doing it.  And then he goes after his niece.  Yeah, he's a messed up guy under the influence of who knows what but this just didn't work for me.

Well written, though.  Nice job on completing it in a week.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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mcornetto
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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I kind of thought this had tragedyitis.  That's when so much tragedy get stuffed into such a small space that it becomes funny.   I'm ashamed to admit it but I laughed.

You did an absolutely splendid job with the writing, you just need to spread things out a bit more.

Good work for a week.  
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dogglebe
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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There's an old saying:  God answers all prayers.  Most of the time, however, the answer is no.

This came off as an anti-drug PSA.  It really didn't do anything for me as it was extremely over the top.  While I understand this was written for the OWC, and the limitations affect the final result of the script, it appeared very rushed.  You had an idea for a script but it was not fully thought out and rushed.

There wasn't much here to work with.


Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Well, well, well...a nicely written script for a change.  Kudos.

Very dark, depressing, and brutal...but powerful as well.

Interesting take with all the Spanish dialogue.

Didn't think it was going where it ended up going.  It looked quite bleak up until the very end, and I'm glad the girl survived.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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leitskev
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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The writing was excellent. the setting reminded me of home, not my home, but my town. How about the story?

I'm not sure what you have in mind for this ending. I may  be reading this differently than Gary did. His opinion is that the girl is the one of true faith. Perhaps that is the intent here. My interpretation is that the girl is basically saying "where the F are you God?" I am shot, my mother is a crack head, raped by her brother, and my innocent brother is now dead. Where the F are you? Thanks for nothing!"

I'm not sure I can buy into the boy's death, and we don't seem to see it either. The uncle's momentum carries him into the boy, the gun goes off, and the boy is dead. That seems very unlikely and probably convenient.

So I'm not sure I'm with ya on the story, though sometimes things have to percolate with me. I did enjoy the writing though, so very nice work in that regard.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Is there a problem with this file? I couldn’t zoom in to read it.
This one adheres to the less strict interpretation of the rules.
A well written, but ultimately bombastic, script for me.
Atmospheric, natural, authentic, but undone by static drama.
Too much of the same effective note and it loses its power.
Nice effort, I’d check out a feature of yours.

Regards,
E.D.


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crookedowl
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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This was really good. Can't wait until we hear who the writer is.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:02am Report to Moderator
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This was depressing for sure because it felt real. Well written and great dialogue. Like some others have said though, a tad too much horrible stuff in such a short script. The situation these kids live in is horrific and would probably work really well as a longer script.

Having said that, this is the best one of the bunch I've read so far.

Excellent work!


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SteveUK
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Congratulations on completing a script for the challenge.

This was a very well written, but overall quite depressing read. As Michael stated: Your script does suffer from 'tragedyitis'. The amount of misfortune that befalls the family in such a short period of time does seem very over the top - in just 9 pages we have alcoholism, drug addiction, child neglect, incestuous rape and murder.

This wouldn't be a problem if it was spread over a 90 minute feature, but feels far too much for a short.

Despite the problems I had with the story, your writing was top notch, and I especially liked the mixture of English and Spanish dialogue which gave it an extra feel of authenticity.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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After reading this script, it reminds me of a Palestinian boy who was mentally retarded, seen roaming the streets. He was taken by a group of terrorist types and
well, terrorized until he easily, walked up to the border with the instructions to press the button to a bomb attached to him. The Israeli soldiers, called out for him to halt and one, he came, disabled it and saved the Palestinian boy. Now in the future, however, the Palestinians said, "Ta hell with that idea. We'll just use remote control-- far more effective.

The thing is: Everything that goes on in this world is nothing but a collection of the firings within the human brain. It is "The Perceiver's or we might even say "Collective Perceivers' Thought Construct" that determines reality. It's the whole "I think therefore I am" sort of thing and what I'm getting at here is:

In this story, one (by my methodology) might conclude, that "the incidents occurring" were happening due to a faulty construct from the world of "the perceivers", who, will or will not (their choice) believe in G-d as an eternal entity or whatever the hell they want to imagine.

But let's say, for sake of argument, that G-d exists in this "Wonderful World", (love the title by the way), why in the hell would he create a world that would descend to such a corrupted level? Why would he cause "all those electric firings in the brain to be shitting on us? Maybe, because you can't know a godamned thing except through relativity? By comparison? Through its opposite? And what the hell would a person be but a godamned positron? Extending on and on through space with no resistance whatsoever or something like that.

So... after my rant...

You have collected a truthful set of circumstances of "the way reality can be perceived" and Man's job, is to work it all out, come to some kind of enlightenment and yes, finally determine that G-d really is there... and find Him-- not flying off in some damned boring eternal heaven with not a bloody thing to do, but right here... On earth, in flesh and blood. And then we can start talking all kinds of weird and crazy and wonderful worlds, so much better than this lowly one.

I applaud you for your effort with this and you know what? I think you can do more with it as a feature. Especially if you take some of my heady concepts and apply them.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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darrentomalin
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written but so depressing - suppose that is the idea.
A tiny bit over written and needlessly padded in places (e.g. Maria's last hit) but everything else is great.
I am new so not sure about foreign languages - I thought you were meant to write them in English and put "(in Spanish)". The script made me read words I didn't understand (even though Spanish is a beautiful language) so I became detached during those sections.
Emotionally engaging and will be remembered for it's very disturbing content.
Very good.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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I think this is the best of what I've read so far and I will probably be voting for it.

I also think I know who wrote this, but I'm not going to give that away just yet.

You really pulled me in with this script and didn't let go even though I had a hard time reading it (couldn't enlarge the script).

There was a lot of tragedy. The way you have it written, I'm not sure if the girl or the boy dies.

I would have like to seen the kids make it out okay at the end.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Heretic
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 1:  Katia's first big line is a little clunky to me.  Sorta the cliche checklist for this kinda line.  There's got to be something unique about this situation that would lead to the daughter having something unique to say -- or, if there isn't, the daughter saying something unique works in itself.

Page 3:  So the question posed is -- will God help these kids?  Will the mother help God help her kids?  Takes a long time to set up this fairly simple idea.  In fact, the first few lines probably set up this idea.

Thoughts:

Hmm.  Well -- your proposition is that God doesn't exist, or won't help, or won't help those who don't help themselves.  Not particularly interesting in itself, though, is it?  The story's mean, well-written but mean, and it serves a strong proposition.  It's technically very well written.  But here's the thing --

God doesn't exist, and THEREFORE...

That's what I feel we're kinda missing with this script.  It's not enough to just be nasty.  Why bother?  Life's nasty enough.  We gotta find out here what it is that's important about that nastiness.  Not that it has to be a positive message -- just that it has to tell us more than, "Life is bad".

Very strong writing.  The characters and dialogue were strong and this would have an emotional impact if filmed.  But is that really all you want to get out of people?  An emotional impact?  It's not that hard.  Shoot a dog, stab a kid, kill a kid's father in front of him.  I think you have the ability to do more than create well-written tragedy with a pointlessly broad message (God is dead).  Those who believe aren't going to be swayed, those who don't aren't going to be enlightened.  What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

Anyway, just ramblings.  Very strong work.

Thanks for the interesting read.
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c m hall
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry I can't read this one, the print is too small.  
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rdhay
Posted: September 21st, 2011, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, in terms of the writing, I agree that this was the best so far, easily. But I also agree that there doesn't seem to be a very good/clear point in it. The religious side didn't really work for me. Overall, I think it was a solid effort but would probably do better as part of a feature.

Good job
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jwent6688
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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I also had a hard time reading this as in I couldn't get it to come up full screen. I mustered my way through it though.

This is a nice dark piece which is right up my alley. Brutal and real. I think the writer should've used the extra pages given to build a little more reltionship between the children before all hell breaks loose. Maybe even give Maria a few lines. As it is, she's pretty much just a lump on the couch the whole time.

The writing on display here is good. With the exception of inconsisten slug usage. You started out with mini slugs when moving from room to room then go all out full slugs. I'm surprised Jeff didn't point that out.

All in all pretty good work here. Good job completeing the OWC...

James


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Pii
Posted: September 23rd, 2011, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Well, that was an uplifting tale if I ever read one.

The writing was competent throughout, but I can't say I liked it very much because of the subject matter. Drug explorations are really depressing and this is just about as depressing as you can go. No retribution, no resolution, nothing but carnage and abuse, which makes me question if there is no point either. Sure, it's a slice or life and probably a bit too realistic, but I was left with the question of what this was about.

In the end, this felt like it was dark for the sake of darkness, like unfortunately a lot of things today are. A lot of the critics mistake darkness for reality, but I don't think if the purpose in this was to imply that it was realistic.

However, the writing worked well, so I can't but compliment the writer even if the story was not to my liking.


The act of writing is a quest to put a hundred thousand words to a cunning order.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 24th, 2011, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,

What very dark tale you have. Good read but I think there needs to be a ending because what's here is just a cliffhanger.

This could be shorten a bit. Trim some dialgoue like when katia tells hector on page 2 "God will hear our prayers. He'll protect her...and help her. She's got to help herself, too." Eliminate the last line because that line doesn't go with the theme in this script which is Does God hear prayers?

Also, I don't believe Katia can call Hector mijo or vise versa. They should call each other by nick name or full name. This applies to the uncle as well. Mijo/a is more appropriate for parents to use on their children, not children with children or even an uncle with a nephew. I would even go further and say change it.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: September 24th, 2011, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Okay read it.

The writting is well done.

The story is tough to digest in such a short amount of time. Lots of bad stuff going on there. But it felt "real" enough. Good job IMO.

Well done on getting it completed.


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c m hall
Posted: September 25th, 2011, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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I was able to read this, finally, and it was well worth the effort.  Dialogue and characters are beautifully written, but I wonder about Katia's garbled words at the ending... I'm guessing she forces herself to speak in English because the police tearing through the door speak English, and we know that she prompted her brother to pray in English, so with a stretch I can accept that this child believes that God speaks only English... but since she was shot in the neck, her garbled words might be lost to the audience, and they're too important.
Also, I think the audience would benefit from seeing an anguished face of a police officer, instantly grasping the wreckage of these lives, at the closing.
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Ryan1
Posted: September 25th, 2011, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Here's another one that got by me the first go round.  I thought the characters were believable, as was the dismal setting.  The Mexican slang seemed pretty well handled.  Others have mentioned there was just a little too much hard luck crammed into one short and I agree.  

I think Maria's hair catching on fire was a mistake.  I think having her wake up, come to her senses and see the carnage splayed out in front of her would be punishment enough.  And a more fitting ending.  As it's written now, I think an opportunity for a heartbreaking moment is wasted because Maria never sees her dead and dying family around her.

I don't think you needed that first Fade Out, Fade In.  "LATER" would have worked just as well, if not better.

Katia's final line of "God, are you there?"  just felt heavy handed.

Good work for an OWC
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rc1107
Posted: September 25th, 2011, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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This script pissed me off.  Only because the size of the document and the fact that I couldn't enlarge it.  Plus I didn't have my glasses, so I was extra screwed.

But I liked the story, though.  A lot.  Of course, anybody who knows the kind of stories I do like would know that this one would shoot straight to the top of my list.  This is actually the first drama in this OWC that I would've put in my top 3.  The other 2 are comedies.

There have been some interesting points brought up already about this one.  I think the most interesting would be what James brought up, about giving the mother a couple lines in the beginning so she's not just a lump.  I think hearing a couple words from her would help to build up the dread, too.

Personally, coming from someone who's lived in Miami for a couple years, I think you did a tremendous job with the Spanglish.  There might've been a sentence that didn't seem right, but that's all.  The rest sounded very authentic while still able to get across the point of what they were saying.

I didn't like how Hector just showed up out of nowhere with a gun.  I would've liked to have seen that foreshadowed.  (I know, I know, you hate foreshadowing.)  But, especially in a script that's this detailed and kind of jumbled, it's too out of nowhere.

I'm also not a big fan of Maria catching herself on fire.  That was a little much.  I would've liked to just see her turn around and see all the carnage for herself, then see her reaction to it all.  Or her non-reaction.

All in all, though, it's still the strongest drama that I've read so far in this challenge.  An excellent job and I really enjoyed the story.  (Well, not enjoyed, of course.  It was depressing as hell, but you know what I mean.)

- Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, wanted to thank the 16 OWC entrants who read my script (you know who you are), prior to the reveal.  Thank you very much, it’s much appreciated!

Also, want to throw out a special thanks to James and Catherine who looked at this prior to the reveal (although Catherine couldn’t read it for some reason – don’t worry, you’ll be thanked again).

And, want to thank the 5 of you, who read and commented after the fact (including Catherine!).

First off, I have to say something that isn’t going to sit very well with some, but hopefully will sit with those it’s intended for.  IMO, it’s quite disappointing that out of 29 OWC writers, only 16 actually read/and or decided to comment before the reveal.  Whether you liked this script or not, it was well written and time and thought was put into it.  It was meant to be different, stand out, and be memorable in terms of characters, actions, and story, and IMO, deserved a much better reception in terms of the amount of feedback.

As opposed to trying to respond to each and every comment, I’m going to try and let you know what I was after, what was going down, and hopefully answer a few questions/concerns in the process.

After hearing the challenge theme and considerations, I didn’t come up with anything right off the bat…nor did I really think much about it until the middle of the week.  One thing I wanted to do, no matter where the story was going to go, was adhere to the guidelines.  I’m against using actors playing multiple roles, as I feel it’s a big cheat to get around the limitations of the guidelines, but I did decide at the last minute to have a V.O. from a new character at the end.  In terms of the “1 location” limitation, I knew immediately that IMO, it wasn’t saying that all the action had to take place in a single room, so I had no problem whatsoever, setting this in a small, 1 bedroom apartment, which could be shot cheaply and easily by literally anyone.  I did decide to have 1 scene take place just outside the front door, but again, in terms of shooting this on the cheap, it’s merely a matter of filming literally right outside the front door of the generic, cheapass apartment.

So, IMO, I was adamant that I would stay within the guidelines and produce a script that could easily be filmed on the down low.  There are some FX gunshot wounds that, as written, would entail some minor cost and talent, but they could also be done without revealing the actual entry wounds and FX as written.  I was very happy with the end result and was pretty sure no one would have a problem with this not meeting all stated guidelines.

So, as some of you may know, things are far from going well in my little world.  I decided on a very dark, ugly, and brutal tale, which definitely stemmed from the way I was feeling.

My ex-wife is Mexican, and half her family is as well, so I was/am privy to Mexican slang, Spanish lingo, and the “Mexican way” as well…as in many are very religious, God fearing, and have the utmost “faith”, while being prone to a bad way of life (and no, I’m not trying to generalize, be stereotypical, or negative toward anyone).

I wanted to weave religion into the darkness and I thought I found a pretty cool way to do it, while also bringing in a theme and question that most ask throughout their life…and one that I’ve sure been asking a lot lately – is God there and if he is, does he really give a shit about those that pray to him and believe he is there to protect them.  This is not meant to offer any social/religious commentary, but more so, give ach reader the opportunity to draw their own conclusions, and feelings on the subject.

I think a few missed what I was after here, in terms of religion and God, and how they played into this.  On one hand, you could say, based on how everything played out , that God, indeed can’t or doesn’t intervene and help those that ask of his help.  But then again, on the other hand, the one “true believer” here, Katia, was saved at the end and why anyone feels it’s ambiguous as to whether or not she survives, is beyond me.  The cops bust down the door, and she is obviously alive when they come in, so for me, at least, it’s quite clear, and intended, that she is going to survive. Her little bro, Hector was not as fortunate, obviously.

So, for a quick second, to address one of the complaints about Hector’s demise, let me give a little info.  In the scene, Hector shoots Santi (and Kat, by accident, obviously), and then shoots Santi again in the face, as he comes at him.  Santi’s an adult, Hector’s a little kid.  As Santi attempts to disarm Hector (as he’s shot at point blank range in the face), his forward momentum carries him into the little tike.  His weight as he falls, causes Hector’s arm/hand, holding the gun, to turn in towards his (Hector’s) body, and as this happens, Hector squeezes off a final fatal shot, into his own body.  I didn’t want to get ridiculous and show Hector getting killed, and IMO, didn’t need to, as it is pretty clear, he dies from the final gunshot.

As for Maria…well, let’s just say that IMO, she doesn’t deserve to live…or even be alive.  She’s pathetic…doesn’t give a shit about herself or her 2 kids.  The reason I decided to add (late into the game,  as it it was the final piece of writing before I submitted it) Maria’s hair catching fire, was to signal that she wasn’t going to survive, but also, I wanted her to suffer, as she so deserves.

One final comment/thought about the theme here, which I actually wanted to be prevalent (for a change!).   I like using a heavy hand at times to make certain things stand out…here, it was the religious and faith based ideas.  IMO, when something is clearly being focused on, the reader/viewer tends to get an idea that it will come into play in some major way – here, the question is whether or not God will indeed step in, and once things start going downhill fast, that question comes into play.  Here, I wanted to leave it up to each individual as to whether or not God did intervene or not, and whether there is merit to such devout faith.  Based on the title, one can only assume my feelings toward the world in general as of late, but for the record, I do still believe, still have the faith, and hope that things would only be worse, if not for God’s intervention, but sometimes it seems like He no longer cares.
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leitskev
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Jeff writing thematic stories! It must be almost 2012. And Hell just dropped a hundred degrees!

Seems like pretty much everyone liked the execution of this story. Some just thought it was a little too much in terms of bad shite happening. But that's what you felt when you wrote it, so it works.

Now that you like themes, can we tempt you with an aside or two? Maybe a cat to save? We'll leave the orphans where they belong, though. This is no place for orphans.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
We'll leave the orphans where they belong, though. This is no place for orphans.


Meh, orphans... Shmorphans! I dunno why Jeff adopted this argument and will never see its validity. I understand if you're writing for MP and need to savor those few pages your alotted, but in the big picture, I don't think it means squat while writing a feature.

A well written sentence is exactly that. I would never reconstruct it merely on the fact that it bleeds over one line by a single word.

I just like to pop up in Jeff's scripts threads every now and again and kick him in the balls. Then again, love to see us all drop the orphan argument.

James



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leitskev
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Here's what's been my experience in my brief time writing as far as orphans. Whenever I end up with one, it does prompt me to look for a way to reword things so that it dies. Most of the time, I end up with a sentence that actually sounds better. Sometimes I can't, so I leave the orphan. At the end of the script, I have an orphan here and there. Probably between 5 and 10 for a feature length script. So at most a quarter a page. The real benefit has been that it pushes me to word things not only more efficiently, but often more effectively. That might be less true with more experienced writers though.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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I stay conscious of it too while I write. Pisses me off when I go over by one word. But, you can't call that bad writing IMO. Or say it's something that needs fixed. It just happens sometimes. And, if the writer is comfortable with their sentence and having an orphan, they shouldn't have to go back and try to eliminate it.

On the other hand, I'm all for economical writing.

James


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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James, you crack me up.  Thanks for the kick in the nuts...always appreciated.

Obviously, this is not the forum to discuss orphans or anything of the sort, nor did I even mention the little guys anywhere in this thread, but, I'm not against shameless plugs and bumps on my scripts, so I will respond briefly.

I have said repeatedly that if you write a good sentence, and it happens to end in an orphan, oh well...no big deal.  The problem is when orphans pop up routinely, when they don't need to.  If page length is an issue (as in a constraint or just that your script is running long), getting rid of unnecessary orphans and the like can make a seriously big difference.

Going back to the latest Script Club, I think I noted that based on a ridiculously HUGE amount of orphans, wrylies, and asides, the 119 page script included some 15 "extra" pages of wasted space.  This did not even take into account how many wasted pages there were based on over written prose.

Orphans obviously don't change the way a script would be shot or how it would turn out on film, but in terms of good writing, they have no place on any page, and if you can easily do away with them, you should definitely do it.
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Ryan1
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Orphans ain't bad every once in a while.  They can can actually create some nice white space on the page when you need it.

Jeff, I wish I'd gotten to this before the big reveal but for me it's like once you hit about the 25 mark or so with reading and critiquing scripts, it begins to feel like you're saying the same thing over and over and need a break.  Besides, you can't really complain when you also enter a 12 page pisser that I did leave a review for.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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I wish you had, too, Ryan.  It's a fatal flaw in the OWC how scripts are posted.  If it's based on when the scripts are completed and turned into Don, it would make sense how they're posted, but that wasn't the case here. Several of the first 2 batch scripts were actually completed on Friday.

If it were up to me, I'd like to see them all available at the same time, or at least within a few hours of each others.  The first batches get all the reads, and as you say, by the time the final batches are posted, several days of reading have passed.

Oh well, what can you do?  Thanks for at least looking at it after the fact, Ryan.  It's always appreciated.

And in response to your orphan comment, again, as I always say, there's nothing wrong with a few here and a few there, but when you start adding pages to your script because of it, it's time to give it a closer read and edit.
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c m hall
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Re: the small print on this script -- for real, it couldn't be made normal size, on my screen, I guess some others had this problem, too.  
I waited to find out who wrote it because if the author had been someone unknown to me I wouldn't have wasted eye-strain on it.  
As I said in my comments, it was well worth the effort, to read it.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for reading, Catherine.  I appreciate it.

I used a different PDF software tool to hide the usual look of my scripts.  I actually didn't know it was going to open up the way it does.  When I open it, I have an option to "not allow it to go to 100% screen size", which then allows me to increase the text size, but apparently, that's not the case with everyone.

Sorry about that.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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This was good Jeff.

Nicely written, with believable setting and dialogue. Like Kev said, nice to see you attempting to deal with themes...iyt was unexpected. I must admit I almost thought we were going to go into pisser territory because I couldn't believe you'd stick at it!

I did share some slight concerns with others about the raping of his sister and the way the gun seemed to come out of nowhere. There's probably a way to make it slightly more acceptable without changing the actual action. Maybe with the rape make it seem a bit more opportunistic, rather than like it's a regular thing.

I also feel it needs a little something extra, but don't really know how to define it. I wasn't really left with something..a question, a thought, an emotion deep or profound enough to really effect me and make me consider the age old question in a different light.

I can give a suggestion, one that is perhaps a little twee for your tastes and perhaps the tone of the this script, but may trigger something:

Forget the cops, and have the house start burning so we get to see the hellish flames..the burnng agony of reality, then pull away to the smoke and sparks of ash floating into the night sky.

That way you get kind of a nice contrast of the hell of reality and the idea of the possibility that their souls are returning to their heavenly source and the question of whether God answered their prayers by releasing them all, or whether it was a simple human tragedy.

Nice work though.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and feedback, Rick!  Always appreciated.

The "raping" of Maria by Santi is not an everyday occurrence, but it appears it's happened before.  One has to wonder if Maria even knows what's going on...or cares.  It's a bit brutal and ugly, but keep in mind, it's merely implied, not shown in any way.

As for the gun, there was originally some backstory here, but I decided it wasn't necessary.  Originally, Santi gave the gun to them for protection in their shitty apartment, in a bad part of town.  My thoughts on it are that many such families have firearms in the house and are also the cause of many such tragedies.  I just didn't want to waste space and time, showing Hector actually pulling the gun out of a drawer or closet, or using a Flashback.

I always find the word "twee" quite funny.  I didn't know what it even meant until one of you guys clued me in a couple years ago.

I wanted to stick to an ultra low budget here and keep everything very manageable for an easy shoot.  A bigass fire would be an issue for sure, but I do like what you're saying.

Actually, Katia's final line waffled back and forth between what it is now, "God, are you there?" and "God, where are you?"  I decided on the cops O.S. breaking in to show that Kat is going to be saved, and thus, as she hears this, in her state of mind and condition, maybe she thinks it's actually God coming to her rescue.  May be a stretch, but wanted to leave things open to different peep's personal interpretations.

Thanks again, Rick!
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Ledbetter
Posted: October 1st, 2011, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,
After noticing the money transfer made it into my account, I decided to give this a read. I was tempted to read the reviews both before and after I read this and decided not to so If I mention some things others may have said then, sorry.

This is tragically more than likely depicted everyday life across cultural lines more than we would care to venture. Truly the dirty side of the pipe.

I found the religious tone refreshing and it was used with restraint. I have many devout Mexican catholic friends and co-workers who follow rigorous adherence to prayer and indeed to some degree as a tool.

Your characters were well developed and believable. Knowing the page constraints, it’s tough to get the plot up and running and your characters introduced in a way where you feel like you know them. You did very well in that regard.   I do feel like you should have gone ahead and used that last page to finish a couple of things out.

What about the boy? I know the uncle fell on top of him but what happened to him. Also, I think the use of Heroin may be a better choice of drugs for the mom to use. It’s a small thing but crack doesn’t take you down like that, but the horse, oh yeah!

Besides (and no one bitch about this) but the Mexican culture has more of a pre-disposition towards heroin than crack. I make my living on border towns and they always seem to lean to tar.
One thing that would make that last moment really tragic (and I love tragic) is instead of the mom’s hair catching on fire, she sets up on the couch oblivious from the drug use, with smoldering clothes, and reaches for her pipe, as the door is kicked in.

By the way, you had me squirming with the little girl about to be raped. The use of God and sexual assault was demeaning and on the dark side. That IMO was one of the best moments in writing that I have seen you do. Ever!

I also want to know your thoughts behind the silence of the mom. If I remember correctly, not a word from her in the entire script except the scream at the end. Sometimes, images have power. Was it your intent to hold her as an abstract reflection of deprivation? As a symbol of cracks decay? Not having her say a word is risky.

I have to say that your writing has evolved in a way that makes the reader watch it in the minds eye as it unfolds.

If I had any gripes about formatting it would only be on page 8. I know you adhered to keeping your action down to a few lines per block but maybe instead of the amount of blocks (being 14 deep), create a FADE IN-FADE OUT Montague with a character or two saying something to break it up a bit.  

Great Job Jeff! You really met this challenge head on and produced a piece of work you can be proud of.  

  
Sorry to say that I cant review many of the OWC this time around. I have been extreamly busy.

**But if anyone does want a read on theirs, just PM me and I will be happy to give it a go.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 2nd, 2011, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Shawn, glad the money finally showed up.  $1,000 was enough, right?  

Hey, man, thanks for reading this.  Glad you seemed to like it.  As for Hector, a few seem to be unclear about his fate.  He accidentally shot himself, when Santi, fell into him, as we hear the gun go off a third time, and then we don't see any movement from him, underneath Santi.

Anyways, we missed you in this challenge, and hope you're gearing up for next week's big Halloween OWC.  No excuses!!!
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wonkavite
Posted: October 2nd, 2011, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

I've got mixed feelings about this one.  A lot of mixed feelings.  It's cleanly written; nicely streamlined technically.

And the beginning of the story did grab me, interested me in the characters.  So kudos there.

But the story lost me about halfway, once Santiago tries raping Katia.  Anyone who knows my writing is aware that I have no problem with gritty violence, or sexual elements in a story.  But the degree of violence felt over the top to me.  Throwing in alcoholism, crack, raping the mother AND the daughter?  Kind of like when there's an crime movie and the evil drug dealer rapes little kids, kills puppies and throws a cute kitty off the roof.  IE: just tooo much - esp. for a short story!  Better to make it more subtle, even given the raw topic.

Then there's the religious sub-text of the story.  As an atheist, I actually agree with the implication (ie: where is God, when he allows such things to happen?).  But in this story, it felt forced.  It could conceivably work, if there was further focus on the piousness of the family, early in the story..and a few of the grittier elements are dialed back a notch.  But as it is...there's no subtlety.  It just doesn't feel *organic*, which is always important.

Still, kudos on the script.  I did care for Katia and Hector...and that's a good thing.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 2nd, 2011, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Well, hello there, Janet.  Thanks for giving this a read and feedback.  I appreciate that very much.

A number of peeps seem to feel the same way you do.  The "too much" or "over the top" comment has reared its head numerous times here, which really surprises me, actually.  Here's my take on it...

I understand completely when something goes too far, happens too often, just doesn't come off as believable because of the magnitude or volume of the events taking place.

You know, take some loser as he walks to work, and gets mugged first, gets sprayed by muddy water by a car next, knocks himself out by walking into a sign, wakes up nude, then finally falls into an open manhole, where he's attacked by rats, when he escapes the rats, he walks into the open jaws of of 35 foot alligator.  Yeah, definitely, way too many things happening in a row and over the top cartoonish.

For me though, here, I don't see any of this as over the top, or a scenario with too many horrible things going on in a small time line/story.  Here's why...

The Aguilar family is what it is and has been for awhile.  Maria is a mess and not a good mother.  Katia is the one taking care of Hector as best as she can, and she definitely cares and tries.  Santi is not a good person. Although we don't know how often he comes round and how far he takes it when he's there, but from both Katia's and Hector's reaction to seeing him even in the apartment, it's clear there is history and it's not good. When you've got drugs, alcohol, and bad people, a number of other things come into play as well.  Same as when a child gets a gun in his hands, good things rarely come of it.

My point is this - I personally don't view all these horrible things taking place as a series of blows like in my example above.  I see this first of all as their reality, as it is for many such unfortunate souls.  But secondly, I see it as a snowballing effect - Santi didn't leave the apartment early enough - Katia caught on to what was going on - Santi was crazily and dangerously fucked up - Santi grabbed Kat and threatened to abuse her - Hector tried to defend his sister - shots were fired, and peeps died or got fucked up.  Not one event after another, but a series of tragic events that all happened because of each other.  The sofa and Maria's hair catching on fire, I can see as going a bit too far, but I really wanted that bitch to suffer.

BTW, I'm a believer, but lately I find myself in Hector's shoes, asking why God isn't stepping in when He "should", for those who "deserve" and need His help.  I actually tried to end this on a positive and possibly uplifting note, mirroring the classic "Footsteps in the Sand".

Thanks again, Janet.  Hope to see you in the upcoming Halloween OWC!
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albinopenguin
Posted: October 11th, 2011, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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hey Jeff,

my apologies for the late review. some family shit went down, causing me to miss an entire week of work, social life, etc etc

however i promised to read this one, and i wanted to make sure i fulfilled my word. this was the first script i've read upon my return to the boards. so what did i think about this one?

well, for starters, the writing's very strong. i like the orphans and am going to try to incorporate them into my own work. they make the script flow really nicely. but i digress. the writing was strong and the characters were accurately portrayed. maybe not in the "real life" sense, but very typical of what you'd see in the movies or the picture box. furthermore, you fused Katia religious beliefs with her heritage seamlessly. religion is a big part of latino culture and i think you picked the perfect demographic for your characters.

however, this one left me feeling...unattached. sure, the restrictive page requirement has something to do with this, but overall i just couldnt feel for any of the characters. therefore, i really didnt care about them or what happened to them. did it feel a bit too heavy handed? perhaps. however i actually liked the fact that the uncle was fucking his sister. but when he went after her daughter? maybe that was a bit too much. if i were you, id go with one or the other. having him do both, seems, well exhausting (even for a perverted uncle)

as far as the religious themes go, they seemed too subtle at some points and then too obvious in others. i'd try to keep them in the background a bit more so the audience isnt constantly bombarded. the last line didnt quite work for me nor did the title really stand out. however im glad this one ended on a positive note. if it didnt, then i would have called you lars von trier.

a mix bag for me but ultimately wins out due to your intellectual writing.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Will, thanks for the read and feedback.  Sorry for the late response. I've been travelling, as you know, but wanted to thank you on the thread.

Not sure what you man about the orphans here, as you should know I'm against the little guys.

Glad you enjoyed it overall.  You are not alone in feeling it's heavy handed or too much at times.  As for Santi "trying to rape" Katia, I think that's something that people are reading in.  He definitely made some completely inappropriate comments and aggressive actions towards her, but then again, in this type of messed up family, it's not uncommon for olderf male family members to try or actually do such horrible things.  I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Anyways...thanks, man!
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nawazm11
Posted: January 28th, 2012, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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Hello Jeff. Thought I should give my thoughts on the revised draft  

Dayum, was this a freaky tale. This has to be one of the most depressing shorts I've read  . I didn't seem to understand the message though? Was it pro God or the other way around? I feel as if it says God is never there for the people who need him the most but in a way, it also says that you have something to believe in when life isn't going your way.  

At the end, Hector does die but maybe because of God Katia survives. So, if you think about it, there is some hope to this story.

Overall, very well written it seems like you put a lot of time into this.

Mohammad
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2012, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Howdy, Mo.  Thanks for the read and comments.

This is indeed a dark, depressing story, and purposely so.  I was going through some rough times when this OWC rolled around.

I wanted to write a religious themed script that kind of summed up the way I was feeling at the time....and many others have been feeling based on the way the world has been lately - is God really there, and if he is, why doesn't he do anything to help those that believe and ask for his help?

The theme can be taken several different ways, as you astutely pointed out.  In no way was I trying to preach to anyone this or that.  I wanted to leave it up to each individual to take from it what they wanted.

Two things I want to point out...

First, I usually like to use a title that can be taken several different ways, and this worked perfectly for me and what this story is all about.  Although Katia's world is truly horrific in so many ways, she's one of those people that stays positive and sees only the good in the world...or at least tries to.

Back to the religious aspects, what I wanted to hint at is the classic religious poem, "Footsteps in the Sand".  If you're not familiar with it, basically it's about a man walking along the beach with God, which represents his life, being and his dedication to God, leaving 2 sets of footprints.  At times, there are only 1 sets of prints, and the man realizes that these are the difficult and low times of his life.  He asks God why he abandoned him when the man needed his help the most.  God replies that when there were only 1 set of prints, it was because he carried the man on his back during those troubled times.  A number of ways to take that message,, both religiously and thematically, but 1 is that although things may be bad and bleak, they can always be worse.  Somewhat the message I was going after here in a nutshell.

Thanks again, man. I appreciate your input.
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