Slipping by Rebekah Hay (rhay) - Short - A grandmother is shut away in a hospital room and can do nothing to find out the secret that her family is keeping from her. 7 pages - pdf, format

This is a sad little tale.  Unlike a lot of the previous entries I've read, this one seems much more grounded in reality.  I'm sure scenes like this can and do play out in real life all the time.

For some reason, it didn't have much emotional impact on me, though.  I think I figured out by the first page that there was a very unfortunate reason why Helen hasn't come to see her mother.  

The whole bed pan/bed sore sequence didn't add much to the story.  I think you could have used these pages more effectively to show us Mary's close relationship with Helen.  Maybe showing Mary clutching a picture of Helen or recounting a story from when she was a kid.  Or even have Helen visiting her mother at the beginning of the story.  Anything that would solidify their relationship in our minds.  As it is, Helen is just a name because we never see her or a picture of her.

But this was sobering tale of the agonies that go along with aging.  I like how you kept it short and didn't draw it out too much.  Solid job and with a few more passes it could become excellent.

I didn't get much reaction since I didn't know who Helen was. I know some family member but how close was she to Mary. I thought the ending was that Mary turned a bit crazy finding out that Helen died. Helen's relationship to Mary should be developed so the ending has more impact.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Yep, have to agree with Ryan and Gabe - not seeing or knowing who this Helen is, makes her demise come across as flatline.

Although this was a realistic look at a sad situation, it didn't have much impact on me for some reason.  Mary didn't have any qualities or personality that I could attach myself to.  Barbara's dialogue came off as very unrealistic early on.

2 big problems writing-wise I'm going to bring up...

1)  You have a tendency to "transition" into your dialogue, using a colon, which you don't need or want to be doing.

2)  The dreaded and ridiculous ad-lib rears it's oh so ugly head.  I just can't stand when I see this in a script.  Such lazy writing that completely takes me out of the read.

Congrats on completing an OWC script.

I got confused about who’s who. Why is Beth mentioned at all? She doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the story. Or is Beth Helen and you missed changing it a couple of times? In any event, it’s very confusing.

They ad lib the argument? I would be careful with this type of thing. It can make a writer look lazy.

Alice makes to speak? Awkward phrase.

Overall, the twist at the end didn’t really grab me because I wasn’t all that invested in the characters. More character development is needed to engage the reader.

Good luck.


Breanne

A promising story until (sigh) an unclear ending dilutes the setup. Why a bed sore? Emotions are hard to hide even from old people.

I'm 99% sure I know who wrote this one.

I wasn't confused at all and IMO it felt real. My only question is, do doctors really put in catheters? That's usually a nurse job.

I agree with the Beth thing. Cut her out and develop the Helen and Mary relationship more.

Good work.  

I might have to let this one settle in my mind and come back to it for more comment. I had no problems at all with the writing. I also did not have a problem with the fact that we never met Helen. Of course, you couldn't do that with only 4 characters, but the questions is, should you bring in Helen on rewrite? I am going to go the opposite of general opinion and say no. As it stands, we assume early on that Helen is one of those many people who is too selfish or too cowardly to be there at a time like this. Very common in reality, as we all know. But then we find out this was not the case, that Helen is dead herself. I nice curve ball. Barbara initially comes off as the cold hearted bitch, but she ends up allowing Mary to engage in her end of life fantasy so she can have peace. So I would say I have warmed to this story as a write this review. Nice work.

This script happened so fast that I didn't have time to get drawn into it.  It was just too short.  I didn't feel for the grandmother.  Perhaps if you spent less time with the bedpan and more with the family the ending might have some significance.

Otherwise, I thought the writing was pretty tight and clear.


Phil

This wasn't bad.  I would have liked to know more about the characters than what was here.  I think I get what you were going for with the bedpan, which was to make Mary come off as vulnerable and in a weakened state.  I felt for her when they told her of Helen's passing.  But I think there could have been so much more added to this.  Maybe just focus on one of the girls and create more development that way.  

This was good, though.  

Nice job.

Greg

Started out real nice until I got to the "ad-lib" part. I'm thinking, let's see, a six-page script and you could have gone up to twelve. Hmmm....maybe I'd rearrange it a bit to read like:

Quoted Text Mary looks out the window, tears stream down her face. BARBARA I don�t care if they happen all the time! They shouldn't! Nothing but incompetence and excuses...

See? Much better than "ad-libbing". You could even have Barbara OS at this point if you like. The "..." has her trail off as you close the scene. Either this way, or actually write a few extra lines of dialog between Barbara and the Doctor, But I agree with the others "ad -libbing" on the page is a no-no. Yes, actors do it sometimes, but it shouldn't actually be a direction in the script.

I note a few folks are having a hissfit over a semi-colon or two before a character speaks. I agree that it isn't needed. Just have the character speak. Does it wreck the script? I think it's a minor issue that will take you one, two seconds tops to correct. If it was a full length script and you put that in once or twice nobody would give a rat's tail. But it's more noticeable in a short, and, again, it isn't needed.

Did the short follow the OWC guideline? Yes.
Is it a low budget? Yes.
Is it filmmable? Yes.
Do we need Helen? Only in spirit.
Given a little polish it could tug on a few heartstrings.

Just as long as nobody's winging it...good job. Might be on a list.

This one certainly fits the OWC criteria.
At times it feels almost too lean on the page.
The colon leading into dialogue is new to me.
The bittersweet end worked, a good closer.
A little more action in the room would’ve helped the read.
Overall, a decent effort with some natural dialogue.

Regards,
E.D.

i'm going to echo what's already been said here. i didn't feel like i was emotionally invested in the characters so the ending fell flat for me. however its hard to feel connected to the characters when you only have a few pages to develop them. so its not completely your fault.

on the plus side, the writing was decent. the story was rooted in reality (as ryan1 stated). last but not least, it fit the the guidelines.

going with a B- on this one.

That was pretty sad...I've been to a nursing home before, and you really captured that depressing and grim feeling there.

I noticed a few mistakes, but I think everyone already covered it.

Well this one fit the challenge and it was written well. I think it should have been a bit longer, this just happened too fast. I got a little confused at the ending and had to re read it. Still a pretty good solid effort. Goon work on the OWC.