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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Trapped - OWC Moderators: Don
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Don
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Trapped by Ayin - Short - Two friends find themselves up against a deadly predator. 12 pages - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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My thoughts;

# it's starts with a heavy description of the cabin. Bit too much for me.
# the idea of two blokes trapped in a cabin with a bear outside seems fine and well within the criteria
# I wasn't sold on the dialogue sometimes and the story about the playground seemed out of place.
# I felt there was room for tension in the setting but it didn't seemed to use the potential
# two bars on the phone and then fails straight away - not sure.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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leitskev
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:08am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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This was kind of OK. They sounded a little like limp wristed Larry at times though which is fine, I guess, if that's what your looking for, but to my ears it just sounds like unnatural and out of place dialogue.

"Holy shit dude you’re right! Thank
you iphone I fucking love you"

"Come in here you fuck and I’ll piss
all over your face"

I just don't see characters saying that in a life or death situation. Unless this is comedy, but with the Warren Moon story, clearly it's not.

Some people are going to bash you for that story as being too much dilogue. Under normal circumstances I would agree, but there's a little more leeway with a challenge like this, where you're doing this all in one room.

You only used 2 characters, so you can bank the other two for the next challenge restriction! Solid work overall.
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grademan
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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This didn’t grab me but it has promise. Here’s a few things to consider:

The shack was over-described for no reason pertinent to the story. “Run down ramshackle” is redundant?’ Sometimes a shack is just a shack.

The bear or whatever it was allowed the two men time to smoke, talk about their fallen friend, take a piss and a tearful past incident with a disabled kid.

The bear has tasted human blood was a bit cliché.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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Yeah...this just didn't do it, although it isn't terrible in any way either.  The writing is also...OK...not good, not horrible.  Kind of the overall feeling here.

There is potential in the writing, story, the characters, the dialogue, even the action, but none quite worked.  Why?  Not sure, but here's a few things on each that didn't work.

Writing - Like others already mentioned, the cabin is over described...and doesn't need to be.  Check this out - a pet peeve of mine that always amazes me when I continually see it, even in Pro scripts.  We know we're in a cabin, cause the Slug tells us.  First sentence - "Sunlight shines through the cracked window of a run-down ramshackle of a cabin." - Completely unnecessary to repeat "cabin" in your opening line.  In reality, the first 5 passages could easily be combined into 2.  Look how many times the word "cabin" is used on the first page alone!

Story - I understand the constraints placed on us with this challenge, but what's the story here?  These 2 guys are trapped by a bear in this cabin.  What happens for 95% of the script?  They talk about shit that has nothing to do with anything.  Visually very dull and all over the place in terms of conversation.

Characters/dialogue - In some ways, both are fine, but in others, totally out of place.  Their friend just got eaten by a bear - no time for jokes.  No reason for all the phone stuff, and the story he tells, with no visuals, ain't gonna work...dull!

action - biggest letdown, as there really isn't any.  I think your biggest mistake here is the ending you opted for.  It kind of pisses whatever audience is still left.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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This adheres to the strict “one room” OWC rules interpretation.
Strikes me odd this pair is so loud while they’re hiding.
There’s nary a moment when they’re not giving away their location.
A quiet, considerate critter while Brandon tells his long story.
It’s irksome they never discuss the details of “the thing”.
I imagine it would be even more irritating on film.
The dialogue felt stilted and long at times, strip mine it.
Giving us some idea what the creatue is would help the read.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

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c m hall
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Although the feeling of fright that the young men experience seems realistic, somehow it fades in and out.  There's not enough visual description of the characters faces, perhaps.  It's so difficult to care about characters in a short script, you almost succeed with this one.
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Ryan1
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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This one started out well, but fell victim to the exposition trap.  Too much backstory is simply told and the story about the handicapped kid really had very little to do with what was going on.  Tension started to wane right about page six, so this script could easily be cut by a few pages.  And the ending fell flat for me.

But, for the most part I thought the technicalities of the writing were pretty well handled.  Format was good.  So, not too bad for a week.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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A good half of the dialog is profanity, some of which even 'stands alone' where there is nothing else for a character to say or express themselves except through shit and fuck. (It could also be uneeded filler for the writer, thinking a character has to have something to say...can't think of anything...except for shit, piss and fuck.) It gets tiresome. As for the cell, just saying they 'lost it' or 'don't know must have dropped it' would have been suffice. Loads upon loads of forced exposition, and if they speak in un PC, keep it that way ("retarded special needs') -- it was a bit too ...juvenile. The read should have been lean and mean.

As for the description of the shack/cabin, it takes way too long in wordage. See any one of the suggestions above; they are valid.

Good job finishing a OWC though.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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darrentomalin
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Just sort of tailed off at the end. The guys sense of humour seemed odd too considering a friend had just been killed.
The story about the handicapped kid was the most interesting part of the story - I don't mind long dialogue, sometimes a character tells a story and it feels unnatural if that story is heavilly edited and the words you chose held my interest.
The script does feel as though it is top heavy and was rushed towards the end.
Daz


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 11:26am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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You know, awhile back, maybe a year or so, I read a story that had this sort of dialogue, and I had written at that time that it paints kids as classless and no-brain types. As if all of their dialogue is filled with swears because they have no vocabulary...

Well, this type of dialogue really weakens your work and it's too bad because what I wound up doing is scrolling with my eyes very centered on the middle of the page, which was loaded with black, and the edges, had me feeling a slackness on the part of the writer in cases like this:

>Tyler chuckles.

and this:

>Brandon takes a drag from his cigarette.

>Brandon takes another drag from his cigarette.

What I did find within this, that could be a really excellent story is the story that
Brandon tells.

Could we forget the "cabin tale" and write that story? It could be told from the
point of view of Brandon, standing there: One Location, and seeing in flashback what happened:

The handicapped boy being bullied to climb those monkey bars and...

I think this would be extremely powerful visually and emotionally. I can imagine
the burden he would carry. How could he even begin to remove the guilt? Is
it possible to even try?

So my goodness, I'm just so sorry that the weak language of "the boys" almost (well did) have me skimming, but I hate doing that and so I went back and lo and behold I found a diamond in the rough of this.

Perhaps that is truly one of the most remarkable things about writing and working continually like this. You do find things in hidden places sometimes and when you least expect it.

Don't let yourself settle when you have so many options.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I kind of liked this one. I think I know who wrote it, too.

There were a couple of things that bothered me about it though.

If the guys were that scared, I'm not sure they would take time to either tell the story about the handicapped kid or even listen to the story. It's too long.

I think you could cut the story about that handicapped kid wayyyy down and add more action about them looking for a place to hide, how to get out, and searching for things to make into weapons.

Maybe have one of the guys shouting between his screams at the end, Take that you MF! So we can hope he's at least getting a few good bashes in.

** I also like Sandra's idea about you writing the short about the handicapped boy.
There is so much bullying at school nowadays. Too many kids taking their own lives because they can't get help to be rid of the bullies because the teachers like to turn their heads and pretend nothing is going on.

Congrats on finishing the OWC  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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A bit too descriptive in the beginning IMO. The cabin could be described in just a couple of sentences.

Not sure how low budget this would be since it involves destroying a cabin.

IMHO, the whole part with the disabled kid can be cut. It says a lot about him, but nothing good which doesn't help because I had no feelings when the bear got him in the end.

In short, pretty good, but needs to be shorter and tighter.


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Heretic
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 1:  Just skipped that description at the top.  So many of these start out with at least a half page of description.  I'm not gonna read it in a 12 page short.

Page 3:  Oh good, I was hoping there'd be some product placement somewhere in this OWC.
I feel like the proximity of the monster should be cutting down their chatter quite a lot.  Also, I'm wondering why the monster isn't trying to ram its way in.  Things that snort loudly often try to ram down door or engage in other such uncouth activity.

Page 9:  Idea.  The script starts after they're in the cabin, and so they've already gone through all the boring bits of dialogue and move more quickly towards the soul-searching and penitence.  There's no way to get around them considering their options as is, but it's really boring.

Page 10:  Yeah, who the heck would lean against the wall like that?
Consider that the bear hasn't actually done anything yet.  Therefore, all story plot points must be coming from the dialogue and actions inside.  Not seeing much of that.
The arm cut should've happened on page 3 or something.  There's an interesting problem: stop the bleeding.
"Tyler rips his shirt off"  You know what would be funny?  If this script was about them declaring their love for each other, consummating it, and then getting mauled to death by a bear.  

Thoughts:

I'm perplexed as to the intent of this story.  Is it about their bonding inside?  Is it suspense?  Is it comedic?

In any case, I didn't really care about 'em, so that'd be the major issue.  Not much to go on for us to get a sense of their characters.

Needed more jeopardy, as above, more plot development as above, and more than anything a clear intent.  I just couldn't really tell where we were headed or how we were supposed to be feeling.

Thanks for the fun read!
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greg
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this, but the story went off in a few different directions which I think prevented me from liking it more.  It's good use of the single location and creates a suspenseful conflict, but the dialogue leads the story in a few different directions.  Some of the dialogue was funny to the point where I questioned if this was supposed to be more on the comedic side, cause given the ending I'm pretty sure that wasn't the idea.  

But I did like this.  For what I mentioned above I still found it entertaining and felt it read pretty fast.  

Nice job.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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