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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Trapped - OWC Moderators: Don
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rdhay
Posted: September 22nd, 2011, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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I mostly agree with everybody else, except that I think you should keep something of the disabled kid's story, although it definitely needs to be cut back. That's one of those times when you could say just as much in a lot less space.

Good job
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 16th, 2011, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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The cabin descript is over done. A lot of the descripts could be cut way down.

The dialogue seemed a little on the nose.

I didn't care about any of your characters much. I think I felt more for the handicapped boy than either of the two main characters.

I think if you mix jokes with them being scared it reduces my sense that they are really scared. I mean, I don't think any joke would come out if I had just run from a creature and was sitting in a barely standing cabin in the woods. The I love you Iphone was ok for me though because it was like hope they might get help. BUT then the battery goes down.

It would have been nice to see more action from the creature near the beginning instead of so much dialogue....scratching at the window, hurling himself at the door....just more intense action. There was a couple of thuds I think and some snorting and growling, but I wanted more. All the action seems to come at the end.

It story was overall ok IMO.  
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