Congratulations on finishing a script for the OWC, although the guidelines weren't strictly adhered to.

You've got the basis of a good little story here, although I had a few issues:

- The character descriptions need work. They are too generic at the moment and tell us nothing other than general appearance.

- Too many asides

- The characters of Chad and Vicky just don't feel right. Chad acts like a bit of a wimp, embarrasses easily and is controlled by his girlfriend - He doesn't seem like the type who would carry a gun, let alone pull it so readily.  Vicky comes across as reckless and particularly unlikeable - If she was more of a sympathetic character I would have cared about what happened to her in the end, but as it is I didn't.  Their behaviour also seems a little strange, and at times contradictory - Andrew hit the nail on the head when he said that they act in a way that serves the story and not in an organic manner that leads the story.

Despite those problems, you do have a good idea here.  One that I think will definitely benefit from being part of a longer story.  As for the end, I personally liked it.  Well done.

I liked this one. The mood was well established and the writing flowed well. The only real let down for me was the ending. I get it, I just don't think it's as effective as it could be

Good job!!

I liked this one and would almost say it's the best one so far for me, but... It has one major flaw IMHO. Chad is described as someone not very tough and he even acts nervous and he blushes a lot. That's all fine and dandy, but goes totally against what would be believable for someone who whips out a pistol and starts shooting.

I think you can take the gun out of this piece completely and find a different more interesting way for Vicky (good name btw) and Chad to convince the Old Man to take them upstairs.

You seem to mix up your characters in the beginning a few times.

Good work!

Nice!  Very moody, gothic.  Very well-written - the author's really got a grasp of the lyrical in this one.

A few (minor) critiques:

Like some other OWCs here, it's a question as to whether this one meets the "one location" criteria.  One location in terms of the hotel/bar, sure.  But if it's meant to be only one room, this one's too expansive (hallway, upstairs, the bar and street, etc.)

P. 2: Bart struggles to finish his beer (Chad, right?)

Character descriptions.  I know some writers do this, but I'm not personally a fan of the run-on description, separated by commas.  IMO, the age in brackets and a quick visual works better.

The old man's story is terrific...but I'd streamline it just a bit, IMHO.  Lyrical for descriptions is great.  But the old man's more plainspoken - his particular dialogue should be a touch more terse.

But I'm likin' it.  Though, shoulda saved this one for the Halloween OWC...

This was well written and atmospheric.  One of my favourites so far.  

However when Chad pulled out the gun (and even planted a shot in the floor), it very nearly spoilt the story for me, it felt very out character.  Maybe he could loosen the old mans lips by obnoxiously throwing a little money about at the whim of his overbearing girlfriend.
I enjoyed the old mans story, but for a short, the monolog many be a little long and may lose some viewers interests.

Your lack of a fade out did have be looking for the next page.  But I liked the ending, it added another element of desolation to the old man, and answered questions as to his situation.

- A fantastic job.  

P.S. Co-incidentaly I used to have a dream as a child, of looking out my bedroom window and seeing an olden horse and carriage drive my up drive way and a dead man fall out, before it drove off again,  it was terrifying sight.   Conversely, in the same dream I also owned a flying bed.

Leon

That's a really cool dream, Leon. That could be the basis of an awesome story. Except for the flying bed part. Why is that in the same dream? Any dream analysts here? Sandra, sounds like your field of expertise.

The bed probably represents the safety of childhood. The dead man probably symbolizes, well, death. But if someone was to go crazy here, we have you leaving the safety of childhood, and death, possibly of your childhood, so it could be just the subconscious recognition that you were growing up. That's my first ever dream analysis, so forgive it's silliness.

This had some cool ideas but it also had a lot of stuff that didn't work.  The story the Old Man tells, while interesting, doesn't work for this particular situation.  It's basically him sitting there telling a story for three pages and taking the occasional drink, but that's easily fixed for a rewrite.  What didn't work is how this started and the motivations of Vicky and Chad.  I honestly just didn't get them.  The dude's randomly carrying a gun and, even more randomly, demands to be told the story of the hotel while holding the guy at gunpoint.  I know he's trying to impress his girl but it just came off as very awkward.  

When the three of them go into the hotel, though, I thought the story went in a cool direction.  I liked the tension and I liked the creativity of the mysterious room and the rider.  The ending could have used a little more clarification.  I get it, I think - wait for them to come back.  But why?  Will they come back?  Guessing by the old man's past I'm thinking not.  So yeah.  Maybe tweak that a bit.  

I think this can be worked on, especially Vicky and Chad's development, but I liked what you brought to the table.  

Nice job.

Greg

This was good. You did mix up a couple of dialogue headers early on, but its an OWC. Forgiven.

I skimmed through some comments and found myself disagreeing with most. I didn't find the old man's dialogue as exposition. More like a good campfire ghost story that we all like to hear. The only way to make it less would've been by using a flashback. But, I don't think that would've served this story well.

Didn't get why asking about the hotel was so bad. Had to be a common question that's asked frequently. Would rather see Vicky and Chad simply be told its closed. When they persist as to why, they're offered the door.

Chad and the gun could work, but it happened too fast. I don't think he should shoot it either. I think he needs to be coerced more by Vicky to pull it out. I thought they were a Bonnie and Clyde couple when he did. Ready to rob the place.

My major complaint would be the lackluster use of the chest and what was inside of it. Instead it seems the room itself were evil. I think Vicky should've peered into that chest. Because of what she saw, the Dark Escort came for her.

Your ending was right on though. Loved that the old man has lingered there since he lost his beloved and that Chad was faced with the decision to do the same. That's what made this whole script for me.

Good job completing the OWC.

James

Alright. I wanted to come back to read this again, refresh my memory and/or when I'm junked out on my caffiene overload.

Generally, I have little problem with exposition, so long as it is short, to the point and not forced. Many times folks get some exposition -which isn't a bad thing all the time, and it shocks me folks are having such a tough time with it on the OWC overall- mixed up with forced, which is the no-no. (We hate it in real-life too; it's annoying) But he goes have a bit of excessive words and no rythym.

That said, I focus on other things. Let's look at Bart.

Quoted Text Rule is, you mention the hotel, you get tossed onto the street.

Now look closely:

Quoted Text Pretty much that'n ya have to pay your tab is about all. If it's yer first time, we cut ya a break on the first rule. But now ya've been warned.

That's what stopped me from reading this the first time- but nobody brought it up yet. So---there is something for me to comment about. When I read dialog of a character, I expect them to be in character. There is a difference between someone saying "you" and then switching to "ya". When that happens, the character breaks character, and I wind up counting it as spelling and grammar errors.

It isn't consistant.

Also, after THE OLD MAN spins his tale:

Quoted Text You can fire that gun, if ya like, but I can't speak of it. I can't.

After all the o's  for "of" now he says "of" (he also does a you to a ya as well)

This has no end. It cuts off in a "what happens next"- and If I reread this right, there was no need for half of the Old Man's babble. It seemed there would have been a time-bending supernatural soultion begging to be seen in the final page which does not exist....

Or maybe you didn't need it?
Didn't like it, but didn't hate it.

BTW, "MOMENTS LATER" - unless it's upstairs or in another room? Drop it.

Nice entry for the OWC.

Keep in mind it was most likely written at the last minute, in a few hours, just to submit an entry.

And comparing to literally every other entry, it was easily in the top 5-7 in terms of actual writing and lack of mistakes, so I'm wondering why/how you got through the other 25 or so you commented on, DJS?  Be interested to hear your reply...as always...

Quoted from Dreamscale Keep in mind it was most likely written at the last minute, in a few hours, just to submit an entry. And comparing to literally every other entry, it was easily in the top 5-7 in terms of actual writing and lack of mistakes, so I'm wondering why/how you got through the other 25 or so you commented on, DJS?  Be interested to hear your reply...as always...

Don't tell me I ignored you again.
And I did, in fact, get through all of them, but did not comment on all of them.

I didn't say a word about being ignored, did I?

Nice to know you read some and chose not to comment on them.  I'm sure the writers will be thrilled to hear that.

Now, why did you ignore the questions posed to you after your stupid post on this script?  Because you have no response?     That's what I thought...

Quoted from leitskev That's a really cool dream, Leon. That could be the basis of an awesome story. Except for the flying bed part. Why is that in the same dream? Any dream analysts here? Sandra, sounds like your field of expertise.

Where was "I" for the dream help last night? I had this dream where a wolf/shepherd type of dog was attacking me. I of course played dead in my dream, but the dog wouldn't let up. He kept on me, nudging my head to try and make me stir, taking mild bites, but not very deep. I stayed still, trying to seem as dead as possible. Nothing was solved in this dream. Eventually, I woke up.

If I were to give any light to a dream like this it would be that I was trying to ignore a persistent message from the subconscious.

The only thing I can imagine is that I'm supposed to be more aggressive rather than passive. Obviously the dog wasn't an enemy or he would have taken a big good chomp. He only served to show that he wanted to wake me up and have me in an alert state.

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale I didn't say a word about being ignored, did I? Nice to know you read some and chose not to comment on them.  I'm sure the writers will be thrilled to hear that. Now, why did you ignore the questions posed to you after your stupid post on this script?  Because you have no response?     That's what I thought...

I don't want to use this thread for your stupid nonsense. Again, I do my share of reviews and you always say I don't do enough. Sometimes enough has been said where I would just be echoing what others might say.

Let me say this again. I did not hate this script. I gave my opinion. Late, early, I could have given it next week. So what's it to you Jeff?

"You and I are goin' out drinking tomorrow. What do ya think about that?"

Darren, how a character uses the word for 'you' depends on the context of the words around it. That's how we speak in real life. Sometimes the word is pronounced more properly than others. Like any dialogue, it might not sound effective to a particular person's ears. That's subjective. But it's not improper or indicative of inconsistency. It's simply how a word is used in a certain sentence.