For those that reviewed, thanks for your time. I'll try to answer questions here. In most cases, you're right, what can I say!

After the questions, if anyone's still with me, I'll explain an experiment I tried here if anyone's interested. Feedback on that would be helpful.

Jeff

I put in the asides just for you buddy! I think there was an orphan somewhere too! But your analysis on the story is correct when you mentioned the story is not completely thought out. Mostly that's because it was done last second, but it also reflects the writing experiment I tried. And a lack of ideas! Thanks for the well considered review.

Albino

Yup, people don't seem to like the gun. I needed it to get the old man to break his rule and for him to take them upstairs. So it's convenient. Any other way I could think of would have taken more pages and more characters, which was not an option.

Gary

Thanks, man, glad you got the ending. I thought of it Friday around 7pm. That's the only part of the story, though, that I'm really comfortable with. The old man's been waiting for his wife for almost 50 years. Now, if he wants his girl back, Chad waits with him. To me that's how the classic ghost stories end. A little bit of mystery and a lasting image, in this case of the two of them waiting in the bar.

Chuff

You're right. That's all I can say.

Reef

Chad is a nerdy, straight laced kind of kid who has somehow latched onto a hottie. Vicky is one of those dangerous, wild girls who is always pushing her men to be more exciting. It's not that Vicky's bad or evil. She's just one of those girls that needs excitement and stimulus, and a little danger can fit the bill. Chad got the gun somewhere along the way. He knows he's too much nerd for her, and wants to impress her.

As far as securing lodging before drinking, believe me, not everyone is that responsible, and especially when it comes to someone like Vicky, who likes to live on the edge. Plus, we don't actually know they need lodging. They could be from a nearby town and just out on a little adventure. If you are wondering if people do that during a storm, I can tell you from personal experience, yes, they do.

As for handing over the gun, I didn't really think of it that way, but cool idea. In a film, this would be an opportunity to create some tension. That's how I looked at it. For example, what will the old man do when he gets the gun? Thanks for the idea though!

Brett

Always trying to find something familiar. Well, this couple is not inspired by the Pulp Fiction couple, and I don't think they or the situation is very similar. Vicky doesn't know Chad has a gun; she is encouraging risky behavior for the sake of excitement, not for any kind of gain; she has no gun herself; there is no robbery, and in fact they don't rob the guy though they could; they are young, and she is hot; and there is no discussion like what happens in Pulp. As for the old man, I'm pretty confident that was original and not copied from any movie, and I've only seen a limited number of movies.

You're right about the chest, more on that later. Thanks for the read.

Thanks CM Hall

Darren

Forgot the Fades because this was done last second. Oops.

Ryan

Yes, absolutely. I was aware of the pitfall of the long dialogue. I took the risk consciously. It was part of something I wanted to try. Thanks for pushing through it though.

Sandra

If the old man gave them a warning, where do I go next with the story? So I am guilty of convenient writing in order to move the story. Glad the old guy's story worked for you! Thanks for reading.

Cindy

Thanks, and sorry about the tease aspect of this. That was part of what I was trying to experiment with.

Chris

Thanks, and you are right on all points, except for location. I really don't understand why this is an issue for people. It's all in the hotel/bar, or right in front of it. The instructions were not 'one room'. All my slugs reflect the same location.  But great review, and thanks!

Steve

Thanks for the considered review. As far as character descriptions, I'm not sure in the future what is the best direction. I was limited by time here, but even with more time, how much detail is good? What have a clean cut kind of nerdy guy, and a hottie who's a little wild. I'm not sure it benefits me to go further than that. In a novel, yes. But I'm not sure about a script. I want to give people the general idea, and the director can pick appropriate actors. That's my thinking, but I could be wrong. I'm pretty new to this.

Asides: they are in every pro script I've read. They just are. You don't want to flood a script with them, but this script is certainly not flooded. There are a few, as in 2 or 3 I think, and they're all very brief. Asides can be used to paint a picture, and they can actually save space and create more white if done effectively. Maybe mine weren't effective, I don't know, but I don't think an aside should be looked at as an automatic error in a script. IMO

You are probably correct on the gun, but that's also part of the shock when he pulls it. If he was bad ass, no one would be shocked. He shocks Vicky and himself when he pulls it. So there's some character arc there. But, if it's completely unbelievable, then it fails.

You are also correct that the characters are unlikable. I don't normally want to do that, but I wanted to try something here. More on that at the end. Thanks for the quality remarks!

Rebekah

Thanks, sorry the ending didn't work for you. Is it you prefer happy endings(no jokes please), or is it you don't like the unanswered questions?

Pia

Thanks, sorry I mixed up the characters. Software thinks for me, and not always well. I didn't catch it before sending in.

You're right about a more convincing way, I just couldn't do within the space.

Janet

Thanks, I can always come up with something for Halloween!

Leon

Seems to be the consensus on the gun. Oh well, too late now! Man, you should write something about your dream. If you told me that before the deadline, I think I would have! That's ripe with potential(leave out the flying bed).

Greg

You identified problems that seem to be the consensus. As Andrew said, there are times the characters actions really just serve the story instead of happening naturally within it. Best I could do. Shortage of time and ideas and talent.

James

Problem is, I don't know what's in the chest. Couldn't think of anything. Thanks, you hit things accurately.

Darren

The bartender tells them you can't mention the hotel. Then when their reaction questions it, he repeats it, and adds you gotta pay your tab. Mentioning the tab reinforces that the place doesn't have a lot of rules, so take the one rule about the hotel seriously. It's not at all inconsistent.

I posted above an example for where you and ya can both occur by the same speaker in the same sentence. We do it all the time in the real world. "Where ya going" We don't usually say you. But we might still say "Are you going to the store", or even better, "the difference between you and me..." Ya see what I'm saying? It's very possible the dialogue didn't work well, I'm no expert at it, and it was rushed last second. But there is no inconsistency in using both 'ya' and 'you' depending on the circumstance. Same with o' and of. It depends on its place in the sentence.

The ending is meant to be a mystery, like a classic ghost story. Who is the Dark Escort? No one knows, that's why he can only be described. There were no tracks in the snow, suggesting supernatural, but we don't know. Will he bring the girls back? Who knows. the ending is the only part of this story I'm confident in.

As for moments later, I am curious what you would suggest. If I don't say later, then we don't know how much time has elapsed. Same if I only say Later. Later could be an hour later. Moments later tells us they ran down the stairs and out the door. Seems to be the most accurate to me. I welcome your more experienced thoughts.

Thanks for the read. Sorry it was such a challenge to get through.

---------------------
For anyone still reading, this is what I wanted to try here . I've been thinking alot about the engines that drive a story. There's a lot of consideration about inciting incidents and turning points; discussion about having a strong, likable, active protagonist; and about having stakes and urgency and a theme. All good stuff. But it occurred to me that sometimes a simple trick works best: curiosity. We are curious by nature. We read on to find the answers to mysteries. We can't help it.  It works the same in film. We want to know who the man behind the mask is, what's in the dark cellar, who the killer is, what's behind the locked door.

So I set out to build something just on tricks alone. We have a hotel that is closed and no one is allowed to mention. We have a mysterious chest. We have a terrible room where bad things happen and which tends to lock itself. It was really that simple. Hard to tell if the method worked. This is an OWC, so people feel obligated to read. Maybe no one would have finished the tale if this was not an OWC.

Finally, the old man. I was well aware having a character tell a long story like that is a big no no. I wanted to see a couple of things. I wanted to see if the reader could get through the old man's story based just on curiosity. And I wanted to see if a story within a story could hold people's attention.

I'm here at SS to learn, and you learn the most during OWC's!  Thanks for reading and the remarks.

Read it.

Very well writen IMO. I'm trying to get to that level myself.

Story wise its solid, suspenseful, and creepy. Good visuals for sure. The ending makes ya wanna read more.

Good job on getting it done.

Chad through me when he threatened the old man with the gun and then later pleaded a case to Vicky by saying they'd done too much to him. Hmmm. Overall kind of a ghost story around a camp fire kind of thing that didn't really pay off.

Hugh and Clorox, thanks for the read.

Clorox, not question I'm guilty of a whole bunch of plot devices here. As I explained above, my intention was to see if I could drive a story without all the things you normally need: likable protag, theme, etc. I wanted to see if I could drive it with one thing: curiosity. See if people could be curious about what's in the hotel, the room, the chest, despite the weak character.  

But in any case, Chad is not really a bad guy. He's a little dorky, kinda weak. He wants to impress Vicky, who is not evil, but a little bit the bad girl. Likes excitement. So Chad's pulling the gun is completely out of character for him. Sooner or later his conscience begins to get the better of him. And I wanted to show that so the old man will be a little sympathetic to him.

Not sure what you mean about the rule not being a rule. but thanks for reading.

EDIT  I see you edited your post, Clorox. What's strange and cool is that there's nothing below about revisions. How'd you do that?

I think the ending just felt a little lackluster compared with the rest of the story. Somebody made a suggestion that I think would really work - change the 'rule' so the old man could trade the new girl for his love. Then it could be a situation where his conscience always got the better of him until these two came along and really pushed the issue. Then you could have Chad become the new version of the old man, like a sort of changing of the guard. I dunno, just a thought

Still, you did a really good job

It's a cool idea I hadn't thought of. I'm not really planning on doing more with the story. Back to working on other stuff. But thanks for the feedback. Who knows, maybe I'll come back to it some day.  

Quoted from leitskev Hugh and Clorox, thanks for the read. Clorox, not question I'm guilty of a whole bunch of plot devices here. As I explained above, my intention was to see if I could drive a story without all the things you normally need: likable protag, theme, etc. I wanted to see if I could drive it with one thing: curiosity. See if people could be curious about what's in the hotel, the room, the chest, despite the weak character.   But in any case, Chad is not really a bad guy. He's a little dorky, kinda weak. He wants to impress Vicky, who is not evil, but a little bit the bad girl. Likes excitement. So Chad's pulling the gun is completely out of character for him. Sooner or later his conscience begins to get the better of him. And I wanted to show that so the old man will be a little sympathetic to him. Not sure what you mean about the rule not being a rule. but thanks for reading. EDIT  I see you edited your post, Clorox. What's strange and cool is that there's nothing below about revisions. How'd you do that?

Magic. I can get pretty verbose and thought better so I revised. You are right, pulling a gun is out of character, so why would he have one? That stood way out and is forced because of it. Since it is a campfire story, the pair could have showed up and heard the story and poo pooed it, only to find out it's real. They could have sneaked up after hearing the story like bad kids only to get in trouble, real trouble. The old man could be telling the same story with Vicky and Chad saying BS all along, then later, Vicky talks Chad into sneaking into the hotel and the old man is too late to save Vicky but can tell Chad he told him so.

The best ways I had in mind of getting them up into the hotel I couldn't use, unfortunately, because of the 4 actor limitation imposed here. I started the day before the deadline, so I was kind of rushed and took the easy way with the gun. I tried to at least make it work with the character motivations. He is a geek that wants to impress her, so he does things out of character. Having him find himself later and develop a conscience gives him a little arc. He has the gun for the same reason he pulls it: to impress Vicky. Somewhere along the way he picked it up to impress her.

The problem also was that by making this a hard rule of not being able to mention the hotel, it would almost take a gun to get the old man to go along.

I think the bigger issue with the story is the fact that the characters are unlikable. Normally you don't want to do that. I was fooling around with something here. I wanted to see if curiosity could drive the story. It seemed to work a little. I am definitely convinced that if you have a normal story, with a protag we bond with, these little teases can definitely help you through, especially patches in the story(a feature) where the goals or stakes might not be strong yet. And the thing about them is they're so easy to set up. Just establish questions people want answered. What's behind the door, or in the box, or who is that man in the hat. It's kind of gimmicky, but if it works it works.

Easy edit! Figured it out. We'll still say you got magic. Thanks for the comments.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Magic. I can get pretty verbose and thought better so I revised. You are right, pulling a gun is out of character, so why would he have one? That stood way out and is forced because of it. Since it is a campfire story, the pair could have showed up and heard the story and poo pooed it, only to find out it's real. They could have sneaked up after hearing the story like bad kids only to get in trouble, real trouble. The old man could be telling the same story with Vicky and Chad saying BS all along, then later, Vicky talks Chad into sneaking into the hotel and the old man is too late to save Vicky but can tell Chad he told him so.

This is exactly the thing I noticed with the gun. Often movies make out like everyone carries a pistol or whatever and knows how to use it.

Now, you might think this sounds silly, but I have a cool solution to this problem
and it's all because Limpwrist Larry (Sweet Justice) is still fresh in my mind.

All you need to do, Kevin is set this in the Old West. We know that everyone carries guns in Westerns. I actually love that idea and BTW...

I loved Cowboys and Aliens.  

Sandra

Maybe we should combine this with Limpwristed. Larry could make that guy talk!

The problem with going Western is that the old man would be armed and ready himself.

Had we not been limited to one location, I would have shown them in the car first. They could have discussed the gun there, and I could have set their characters up.

Like I said, I spent a day on it, I'll just leave it as it is, unless for some reason someone wanted to film. It was just an exercise. I actually do know of a hotel kind of like this, the owner looks similar to the old man, and he drives a horse wagon for publicity for that part of the city.

This was the first short I've written in a while, so it was fun. I'm getting behind on other stuff though. Gonna have to start getting up real early to make up time!

Hi Kev, I definitely think you should come back to this one day.  Despite the few issues I mentioned, I think you have a great idea here and it was one of my top 3 in the end.

I think this could easily be expanded into a longer story, and I'd love to read more about the mythology of the Dark Escort.

Thanks, Steve, if only I had a mythology! Hell, I don't even know what was in the chest. I voted First Time my top story, BTW. From the reviews it sounds like it got some other votes. Nice work.

Is this a new draft or something?

I've read a couple of other people's posts and them saying that the story just ended, like you just got to page 12 and stopped.

I thought the ending was finite enough for me.  There's really nothing else they can do, besides maybe call Ghosthunters and have them set up equipment to try and catch this 'Escort' guy in action, and that would definately break the 12 page and 4 character rule.  (Although the 4 character rule was broken anyway.  You followed the 4 actor rule, though.  I forgot if Don said it was 4 characters or 4 actors.)

Nevertheless, I still enjoyed the story, and I loved the atmosphere of it all.  It definately got me in a wintery mood.

And you were right, the mystery behind everything is what pushed this story forward.  At least for me, anyway, because the only character I liked was the old man.  Although, now after reading the ending, I do have a little bit of sympathy for Chad, knowing he'll probably end up like the old man.

I can say I didn't care for how Vicky and Chad were like Pumpkin and Honeybunny from 'Pulp Fiction'.  And Chad bringing out the gun was just weird.

But I really liked the rest of the story.  It was a very well written ghost tale.

And man, I don't know what's been up, but my girlfriend has just been downright mean and nasty lately, (and not just to me, either.)  Is this hotel anywhere near Virgil, Illinois?  That's not really that far of a trip from here and we could probably make it there in 8 hours or so.

- Mark

Wait for a snowy night to make the trip with your girlfriend!

Thanks for checking out, Mark. This is not a new draft. I thought the ending worked myself, and I didn't think of it until a few hours before the deadline. It was one of the few things that worked here.

I'm glad you thought the mystery factor could drive this. I wanted to see if that could work. I think it's kind of underrated in film discussion. Look at TV shows, or even stories that were originally written for serials, like Charles Dickens works. They are very mindful to end chapters/scenes in a way that opens questions you want answered, gets you to tune back or stay tuned. I think films would benefit from doing more of that.

Brett saw Pulp Fiction in that couple as well. I really don't see much similarity. This is more inspired by couples I saw all the time in the bar. You'd have a hot girl who craves excitement, and a geeky guy wondering how the hell he got a hot girl and what he has to do to keep her. The girl seems to always push the guy into trouble. not because she's evil, but just because she looks for the thrill. I could write a whole post just on my amateur psychological analysis of that, but I'll spare you!

Chad bringing out the gun was story convenience. It was gonna take something strong to get the old man to go up. I had considered a card game or something, but that would have taken too much time and required more characters. Basically, I just couldn't think of anything. Hate it when that happens!

I'm going to put more time into the Oct OWC. Hopefully it will come out better. I'm ready!