Dark Escort by Dr. Ument - Short - A young man in a hurry to impress his girlfriend just might lose her to the dark escort. 11 pages - pdf, format

Well, well, well.

Interesting take, pretty well written and conceived script...I just don't think it feels at all like a single location, though, and that's too bad.  It also doesn't feel like 4 actors/characters...well, it's obviously 5 characters, 1 of which could be played by the same actor, but...oh shit, let's not go there.

I liked the feel here, the mood, the story, and the effort.

I have trouble with some of the writing though -

I hate asides, and we've got a number here.

I didn't like the character descriptions, as they're both "heavy" and...hmmm...how to say this...well, how's this - heavy wind and snow falling and we learn that Chad has an average build and he's clean cut.  His babe girlfriend has dangerous eyes.  Obviously no one  is going to get any of that in a filmed version.  Then, the old man, "in" long white hair. - I don't know why, but I really struggled with these.

I also have issues with just who Chad and Vicky are as characters and why they're here...it doesn't really compute or make sense.  And when Chad pulls a gun, and actually shoots the gun in a threatening way, I was about ready to stop reading, even though I did want to find out what this was all about.  Glad I continued and finished, as it's well put together and entertaining.

I have a sneaky suspicion that this wasn't really completely thought out...or fleshed out, but it's one of only a few OWC scripts I've read over the years that has the feel of a feature (or at least a much longer, more detailed version) waiting to grow out of it.  The logistics, characters, and motivational problems could be cleaned up and this could be good, IMO.  I'd like to know more about this dark escort and I rarely feel that way about a character, especially in an OWC.

I don't feel it works at all for this OWC, though, and the constraints kind of kill the potential.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

I think this was well written, but I didn't get the ending at all, it just like ended. I can't believe Chad would hold a gun to someone just to hear a story, that was pretty far fetched. the writing was strong, but it was a bit too confusing of an ending for me, still a good effort on the OWC.

I liked this. This is one I felt was constrained by the page limit. More story to tell about trying to find the dark escort.

Couple things:

Pulling the gun on an old man felt forced as did woman's insistence on going upstairs.

The old man’s story was long but kept my interest.

Loved the ending. Simple but explained a lot.

Yeah, Gary just brought something up I wanted to say...

The story the old man told "could" be good, but within the parameters of this OWC, it doesn't work for me at all, as it's so long and it's not broken up with any kind of visuals (which it definitely needs to be).

It obviously needs a Flashback.  Well, maybe "obviously" isn't exactly the right word, but IMO, it would help.

I'd like to see this rewritten outside the low budget, 1 location (which this ain't), 4 character, 12 page limitations.  Could be very cool!

I would point to some different issues than others have raised. Let's start with the protagonist. Your protagonist is the one who takes us on the journey, keeps us interested. He should be likable. This kid is not likable at all. Not only does he pull a gun on an old man, but he's weak. He only does this to impress his girlfriend. Everything he does is kind of wimpy.

You want your protag to have a clear goal. In this case, he does, to impress his girl, but that's not a goal that really interests us or keeps us tuned in.

Ideally you want some kind of stakes or urgency. Really aren't any here.

The old man tells a pretty long story. Perhaps in a film version, they would show brief clips of the things he describes in the story, but that's not the case here, as it is. But, if the actor who plays the old man was interesting, one of those types that really knows how to tell a story, maybe you could get away with it. As a general rule, stay away from long dialogue like this.

I think the story is fine as far as OWC instructions. It's all at the hotel, or right in front of it. There are 5 characters, but only 4 actors would be needed, and Don explained this was fine.

You talked about shots, which I always approve of in a story!

There's a full story here and somewhat of a cliffhanger with the chaps poised to enter back into the room. It is a little abrupt that you don't give us a fade out and end on a sentence that logically suggests another sentence is to follow, but where you stop the story makes sense.

The main criticism is that the character's act in a way that serves the story and not in an organic manner that leads the story - a crucial difference.

For those that like this type of thing, it's going to hit the nail on the head. It's just not really my type of thing, but I can appreciate you know your story and how to tell it.

With all the long dialogue from the old man this came across as a good tale that your grandfather would tell you by the fire. I kind of enjoyed this but a few things did bother me. A few thoughts;

# I wasn't sold on the boy pulling a gun. Maybe with more set up it could work or maybe the girl could be rash and run for it leading to a battle as they run up the steps or even that's the bed solution for the night? Just thoughts.
# maybe I'm picky but it appears they don't have a place to sleep, consider driving on but then hit the booze without resolving this. Maybe a sleep in the car night but it was something I thought would be resolved
# I liked the way the old man indicated a handing over to the young man as if some form of destiny. Was this right?

All the best

This fits the one location rule pretty much.
The “Pulp Fiction” couple riff caught me off guard.
The old man’s story seems familiar, for some reason.
I like the winter vibe in the old hotel, good combo.
Ack! Cliffhanger, you don’t play fair.
And there’s the chest too, so many questions.
Pretty good, consider finishing this after the OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

The unpleasantness of the characters works in the story's favor, creating a certain amount of friction.  The writing seems thoughtful, there are recognizable human emotions.  Thanks for that.

I almost skimmed during the overly long dialogue as the story is told but it was an atmospheric story. The main problem is the characters, I just didnt like any of them and when he pulled the gun I physically scratched my head in confusion - He was berated by his girl for having no sense of adventure yet he carries a loaded gun around and pulls it on people when they don't tell him stories.
Anyway, am very suprised Jeff didnt pull you on the lack of a FADE IN and a FADE OUT lol.
Good effort and very well written.
Daz

Expository dialogue...the lethal killer of one location scripts.  I liked the classic setup here of a couple of wayward travelers stumbling upon the inn with the dark history.  But, once that old man starts talking, and I do mean talking, the script became a struggle to read.  Just way, way too much prattling by the old timer.  The constraints of this owc definitely did not help the story.

I think it's an idea that would be better served where you could go into visual detail about the backstory of the room and mysterious chest.  Might be a worth a go after the owc to take another run at this without the one location rule.

I think this story is bigger than the confines in which it was constructed.

It could be a whole lot longer for one and include flashbacks instead of the long story that the old man tells (because of the rules of the challenge).

The story the old man tells is interesting enough and I like how he lays down the rules about not mentioning the hotel. It generates a lot of interest...

Then, when they demand to see it, I think it's a bit overdone. What's lilly
Chad  doing with a pistol?

I think it would be better if the Old Man just gives them a really strong
warning and washes his hands clean of the matter, knowing, that
he can't stop fate. Something like that.

But yes, I really do see this as a much larger piece rather than a short.

Good job.

Sandra

Hey! Where's the ending?

It's like you came to page 12 and just stopped writing cos you were only allowed 12 pages.

That's my only complaint.

I think you should go with this story and flesh it out. You held my attention. I was wondering what was going to happen next....

then BAM
a white page
the end.

Cindy

As I go:

Page 7:  The Old Man won't say any more, but he'll take them up there?

Thoughts:

Confused about the reactions above.  This one ends right where it should, with all the trappings of a classic ghost story.  The couple fails to heed the warning and doom themselves to repeat history.

Definitely not one location, no matter how you cut it.  Probably not low budget, either, with the carriage.  

The Old Man's story is too long and his character doesn't quite play.  It doesn't make sense that he won't say more, will take them up there, and then will help try to get Vicky back.  Some clarity is needed here.

All in all, I rather enjoyed this.  Got a nice rise outta me -- felt bad for the young couple and worse because it was their fault.

Thanks for the fun read!

Congratulations on finishing a script for the OWC, although the guidelines weren't strictly adhered to.

You've got the basis of a good little story here, although I had a few issues:

- The character descriptions need work. They are too generic at the moment and tell us nothing other than general appearance.

- Too many asides

- The characters of Chad and Vicky just don't feel right. Chad acts like a bit of a wimp, embarrasses easily and is controlled by his girlfriend - He doesn't seem like the type who would carry a gun, let alone pull it so readily.  Vicky comes across as reckless and particularly unlikeable - If she was more of a sympathetic character I would have cared about what happened to her in the end, but as it is I didn't.  Their behaviour also seems a little strange, and at times contradictory - Andrew hit the nail on the head when he said that they act in a way that serves the story and not in an organic manner that leads the story.

Despite those problems, you do have a good idea here.  One that I think will definitely benefit from being part of a longer story.  As for the end, I personally liked it.  Well done.

I liked this one. The mood was well established and the writing flowed well. The only real let down for me was the ending. I get it, I just don't think it's as effective as it could be

Good job!!

I liked this one and would almost say it's the best one so far for me, but... It has one major flaw IMHO. Chad is described as someone not very tough and he even acts nervous and he blushes a lot. That's all fine and dandy, but goes totally against what would be believable for someone who whips out a pistol and starts shooting.

I think you can take the gun out of this piece completely and find a different more interesting way for Vicky (good name btw) and Chad to convince the Old Man to take them upstairs.

You seem to mix up your characters in the beginning a few times.

Good work!

Nice!  Very moody, gothic.  Very well-written - the author's really got a grasp of the lyrical in this one.

A few (minor) critiques:

Like some other OWCs here, it's a question as to whether this one meets the "one location" criteria.  One location in terms of the hotel/bar, sure.  But if it's meant to be only one room, this one's too expansive (hallway, upstairs, the bar and street, etc.)

P. 2: Bart struggles to finish his beer (Chad, right?)

Character descriptions.  I know some writers do this, but I'm not personally a fan of the run-on description, separated by commas.  IMO, the age in brackets and a quick visual works better.

The old man's story is terrific...but I'd streamline it just a bit, IMHO.  Lyrical for descriptions is great.  But the old man's more plainspoken - his particular dialogue should be a touch more terse.

But I'm likin' it.  Though, shoulda saved this one for the Halloween OWC...

This was well written and atmospheric.  One of my favourites so far.  

However when Chad pulled out the gun (and even planted a shot in the floor), it very nearly spoilt the story for me, it felt very out character.  Maybe he could loosen the old mans lips by obnoxiously throwing a little money about at the whim of his overbearing girlfriend.
I enjoyed the old mans story, but for a short, the monolog many be a little long and may lose some viewers interests.

Your lack of a fade out did have be looking for the next page.  But I liked the ending, it added another element of desolation to the old man, and answered questions as to his situation.

- A fantastic job.  

P.S. Co-incidentaly I used to have a dream as a child, of looking out my bedroom window and seeing an olden horse and carriage drive my up drive way and a dead man fall out, before it drove off again,  it was terrifying sight.   Conversely, in the same dream I also owned a flying bed.

Leon

That's a really cool dream, Leon. That could be the basis of an awesome story. Except for the flying bed part. Why is that in the same dream? Any dream analysts here? Sandra, sounds like your field of expertise.

The bed probably represents the safety of childhood. The dead man probably symbolizes, well, death. But if someone was to go crazy here, we have you leaving the safety of childhood, and death, possibly of your childhood, so it could be just the subconscious recognition that you were growing up. That's my first ever dream analysis, so forgive it's silliness.

This had some cool ideas but it also had a lot of stuff that didn't work.  The story the Old Man tells, while interesting, doesn't work for this particular situation.  It's basically him sitting there telling a story for three pages and taking the occasional drink, but that's easily fixed for a rewrite.  What didn't work is how this started and the motivations of Vicky and Chad.  I honestly just didn't get them.  The dude's randomly carrying a gun and, even more randomly, demands to be told the story of the hotel while holding the guy at gunpoint.  I know he's trying to impress his girl but it just came off as very awkward.  

When the three of them go into the hotel, though, I thought the story went in a cool direction.  I liked the tension and I liked the creativity of the mysterious room and the rider.  The ending could have used a little more clarification.  I get it, I think - wait for them to come back.  But why?  Will they come back?  Guessing by the old man's past I'm thinking not.  So yeah.  Maybe tweak that a bit.  

I think this can be worked on, especially Vicky and Chad's development, but I liked what you brought to the table.  

Nice job.

Greg

This was good. You did mix up a couple of dialogue headers early on, but its an OWC. Forgiven.

I skimmed through some comments and found myself disagreeing with most. I didn't find the old man's dialogue as exposition. More like a good campfire ghost story that we all like to hear. The only way to make it less would've been by using a flashback. But, I don't think that would've served this story well.

Didn't get why asking about the hotel was so bad. Had to be a common question that's asked frequently. Would rather see Vicky and Chad simply be told its closed. When they persist as to why, they're offered the door.

Chad and the gun could work, but it happened too fast. I don't think he should shoot it either. I think he needs to be coerced more by Vicky to pull it out. I thought they were a Bonnie and Clyde couple when he did. Ready to rob the place.

My major complaint would be the lackluster use of the chest and what was inside of it. Instead it seems the room itself were evil. I think Vicky should've peered into that chest. Because of what she saw, the Dark Escort came for her.

Your ending was right on though. Loved that the old man has lingered there since he lost his beloved and that Chad was faced with the decision to do the same. That's what made this whole script for me.

Good job completing the OWC.

James

Alright. I wanted to come back to read this again, refresh my memory and/or when I'm junked out on my caffiene overload.

Generally, I have little problem with exposition, so long as it is short, to the point and not forced. Many times folks get some exposition -which isn't a bad thing all the time, and it shocks me folks are having such a tough time with it on the OWC overall- mixed up with forced, which is the no-no. (We hate it in real-life too; it's annoying) But he goes have a bit of excessive words and no rythym.

That said, I focus on other things. Let's look at Bart.

Quoted Text Rule is, you mention the hotel, you get tossed onto the street.

Now look closely:

Quoted Text Pretty much that'n ya have to pay your tab is about all. If it's yer first time, we cut ya a break on the first rule. But now ya've been warned.

That's what stopped me from reading this the first time- but nobody brought it up yet. So---there is something for me to comment about. When I read dialog of a character, I expect them to be in character. There is a difference between someone saying "you" and then switching to "ya". When that happens, the character breaks character, and I wind up counting it as spelling and grammar errors.

It isn't consistant.

Also, after THE OLD MAN spins his tale:

Quoted Text You can fire that gun, if ya like, but I can't speak of it. I can't.

After all the o's  for "of" now he says "of" (he also does a you to a ya as well)

This has no end. It cuts off in a "what happens next"- and If I reread this right, there was no need for half of the Old Man's babble. It seemed there would have been a time-bending supernatural soultion begging to be seen in the final page which does not exist....

Or maybe you didn't need it?
Didn't like it, but didn't hate it.

BTW, "MOMENTS LATER" - unless it's upstairs or in another room? Drop it.

Nice entry for the OWC.

Keep in mind it was most likely written at the last minute, in a few hours, just to submit an entry.

And comparing to literally every other entry, it was easily in the top 5-7 in terms of actual writing and lack of mistakes, so I'm wondering why/how you got through the other 25 or so you commented on, DJS?  Be interested to hear your reply...as always...

Quoted from Dreamscale Keep in mind it was most likely written at the last minute, in a few hours, just to submit an entry. And comparing to literally every other entry, it was easily in the top 5-7 in terms of actual writing and lack of mistakes, so I'm wondering why/how you got through the other 25 or so you commented on, DJS?  Be interested to hear your reply...as always...

Don't tell me I ignored you again.
And I did, in fact, get through all of them, but did not comment on all of them.

I didn't say a word about being ignored, did I?

Nice to know you read some and chose not to comment on them.  I'm sure the writers will be thrilled to hear that.

Now, why did you ignore the questions posed to you after your stupid post on this script?  Because you have no response?     That's what I thought...

Quoted from leitskev That's a really cool dream, Leon. That could be the basis of an awesome story. Except for the flying bed part. Why is that in the same dream? Any dream analysts here? Sandra, sounds like your field of expertise.

Where was "I" for the dream help last night? I had this dream where a wolf/shepherd type of dog was attacking me. I of course played dead in my dream, but the dog wouldn't let up. He kept on me, nudging my head to try and make me stir, taking mild bites, but not very deep. I stayed still, trying to seem as dead as possible. Nothing was solved in this dream. Eventually, I woke up.

If I were to give any light to a dream like this it would be that I was trying to ignore a persistent message from the subconscious.

The only thing I can imagine is that I'm supposed to be more aggressive rather than passive. Obviously the dog wasn't an enemy or he would have taken a big good chomp. He only served to show that he wanted to wake me up and have me in an alert state.

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale I didn't say a word about being ignored, did I? Nice to know you read some and chose not to comment on them.  I'm sure the writers will be thrilled to hear that. Now, why did you ignore the questions posed to you after your stupid post on this script?  Because you have no response?     That's what I thought...

I don't want to use this thread for your stupid nonsense. Again, I do my share of reviews and you always say I don't do enough. Sometimes enough has been said where I would just be echoing what others might say.

Let me say this again. I did not hate this script. I gave my opinion. Late, early, I could have given it next week. So what's it to you Jeff?

"You and I are goin' out drinking tomorrow. What do ya think about that?"

Darren, how a character uses the word for 'you' depends on the context of the words around it. That's how we speak in real life. Sometimes the word is pronounced more properly than others. Like any dialogue, it might not sound effective to a particular person's ears. That's subjective. But it's not improper or indicative of inconsistency. It's simply how a word is used in a certain sentence.

For those that reviewed, thanks for your time. I'll try to answer questions here. In most cases, you're right, what can I say!

After the questions, if anyone's still with me, I'll explain an experiment I tried here if anyone's interested. Feedback on that would be helpful.

Jeff

I put in the asides just for you buddy! I think there was an orphan somewhere too! But your analysis on the story is correct when you mentioned the story is not completely thought out. Mostly that's because it was done last second, but it also reflects the writing experiment I tried. And a lack of ideas! Thanks for the well considered review.

Albino

Yup, people don't seem to like the gun. I needed it to get the old man to break his rule and for him to take them upstairs. So it's convenient. Any other way I could think of would have taken more pages and more characters, which was not an option.

Gary

Thanks, man, glad you got the ending. I thought of it Friday around 7pm. That's the only part of the story, though, that I'm really comfortable with. The old man's been waiting for his wife for almost 50 years. Now, if he wants his girl back, Chad waits with him. To me that's how the classic ghost stories end. A little bit of mystery and a lasting image, in this case of the two of them waiting in the bar.

Chuff

You're right. That's all I can say.

Reef

Chad is a nerdy, straight laced kind of kid who has somehow latched onto a hottie. Vicky is one of those dangerous, wild girls who is always pushing her men to be more exciting. It's not that Vicky's bad or evil. She's just one of those girls that needs excitement and stimulus, and a little danger can fit the bill. Chad got the gun somewhere along the way. He knows he's too much nerd for her, and wants to impress her.

As far as securing lodging before drinking, believe me, not everyone is that responsible, and especially when it comes to someone like Vicky, who likes to live on the edge. Plus, we don't actually know they need lodging. They could be from a nearby town and just out on a little adventure. If you are wondering if people do that during a storm, I can tell you from personal experience, yes, they do.

As for handing over the gun, I didn't really think of it that way, but cool idea. In a film, this would be an opportunity to create some tension. That's how I looked at it. For example, what will the old man do when he gets the gun? Thanks for the idea though!

Brett

Always trying to find something familiar. Well, this couple is not inspired by the Pulp Fiction couple, and I don't think they or the situation is very similar. Vicky doesn't know Chad has a gun; she is encouraging risky behavior for the sake of excitement, not for any kind of gain; she has no gun herself; there is no robbery, and in fact they don't rob the guy though they could; they are young, and she is hot; and there is no discussion like what happens in Pulp. As for the old man, I'm pretty confident that was original and not copied from any movie, and I've only seen a limited number of movies.

You're right about the chest, more on that later. Thanks for the read.

Thanks CM Hall

Darren

Forgot the Fades because this was done last second. Oops.

Ryan

Yes, absolutely. I was aware of the pitfall of the long dialogue. I took the risk consciously. It was part of something I wanted to try. Thanks for pushing through it though.

Sandra

If the old man gave them a warning, where do I go next with the story? So I am guilty of convenient writing in order to move the story. Glad the old guy's story worked for you! Thanks for reading.

Cindy

Thanks, and sorry about the tease aspect of this. That was part of what I was trying to experiment with.

Chris

Thanks, and you are right on all points, except for location. I really don't understand why this is an issue for people. It's all in the hotel/bar, or right in front of it. The instructions were not 'one room'. All my slugs reflect the same location.  But great review, and thanks!

Steve

Thanks for the considered review. As far as character descriptions, I'm not sure in the future what is the best direction. I was limited by time here, but even with more time, how much detail is good? What have a clean cut kind of nerdy guy, and a hottie who's a little wild. I'm not sure it benefits me to go further than that. In a novel, yes. But I'm not sure about a script. I want to give people the general idea, and the director can pick appropriate actors. That's my thinking, but I could be wrong. I'm pretty new to this.

Asides: they are in every pro script I've read. They just are. You don't want to flood a script with them, but this script is certainly not flooded. There are a few, as in 2 or 3 I think, and they're all very brief. Asides can be used to paint a picture, and they can actually save space and create more white if done effectively. Maybe mine weren't effective, I don't know, but I don't think an aside should be looked at as an automatic error in a script. IMO

You are probably correct on the gun, but that's also part of the shock when he pulls it. If he was bad ass, no one would be shocked. He shocks Vicky and himself when he pulls it. So there's some character arc there. But, if it's completely unbelievable, then it fails.

You are also correct that the characters are unlikable. I don't normally want to do that, but I wanted to try something here. More on that at the end. Thanks for the quality remarks!

Rebekah

Thanks, sorry the ending didn't work for you. Is it you prefer happy endings(no jokes please), or is it you don't like the unanswered questions?

Pia

Thanks, sorry I mixed up the characters. Software thinks for me, and not always well. I didn't catch it before sending in.

You're right about a more convincing way, I just couldn't do within the space.

Janet

Thanks, I can always come up with something for Halloween!

Leon

Seems to be the consensus on the gun. Oh well, too late now! Man, you should write something about your dream. If you told me that before the deadline, I think I would have! That's ripe with potential(leave out the flying bed).

Greg

You identified problems that seem to be the consensus. As Andrew said, there are times the characters actions really just serve the story instead of happening naturally within it. Best I could do. Shortage of time and ideas and talent.

James

Problem is, I don't know what's in the chest. Couldn't think of anything. Thanks, you hit things accurately.

Darren

The bartender tells them you can't mention the hotel. Then when their reaction questions it, he repeats it, and adds you gotta pay your tab. Mentioning the tab reinforces that the place doesn't have a lot of rules, so take the one rule about the hotel seriously. It's not at all inconsistent.

I posted above an example for where you and ya can both occur by the same speaker in the same sentence. We do it all the time in the real world. "Where ya going" We don't usually say you. But we might still say "Are you going to the store", or even better, "the difference between you and me..." Ya see what I'm saying? It's very possible the dialogue didn't work well, I'm no expert at it, and it was rushed last second. But there is no inconsistency in using both 'ya' and 'you' depending on the circumstance. Same with o' and of. It depends on its place in the sentence.

The ending is meant to be a mystery, like a classic ghost story. Who is the Dark Escort? No one knows, that's why he can only be described. There were no tracks in the snow, suggesting supernatural, but we don't know. Will he bring the girls back? Who knows. the ending is the only part of this story I'm confident in.

As for moments later, I am curious what you would suggest. If I don't say later, then we don't know how much time has elapsed. Same if I only say Later. Later could be an hour later. Moments later tells us they ran down the stairs and out the door. Seems to be the most accurate to me. I welcome your more experienced thoughts.

Thanks for the read. Sorry it was such a challenge to get through.

---------------------
For anyone still reading, this is what I wanted to try here . I've been thinking alot about the engines that drive a story. There's a lot of consideration about inciting incidents and turning points; discussion about having a strong, likable, active protagonist; and about having stakes and urgency and a theme. All good stuff. But it occurred to me that sometimes a simple trick works best: curiosity. We are curious by nature. We read on to find the answers to mysteries. We can't help it.  It works the same in film. We want to know who the man behind the mask is, what's in the dark cellar, who the killer is, what's behind the locked door.

So I set out to build something just on tricks alone. We have a hotel that is closed and no one is allowed to mention. We have a mysterious chest. We have a terrible room where bad things happen and which tends to lock itself. It was really that simple. Hard to tell if the method worked. This is an OWC, so people feel obligated to read. Maybe no one would have finished the tale if this was not an OWC.

Finally, the old man. I was well aware having a character tell a long story like that is a big no no. I wanted to see a couple of things. I wanted to see if the reader could get through the old man's story based just on curiosity. And I wanted to see if a story within a story could hold people's attention.

I'm here at SS to learn, and you learn the most during OWC's!  Thanks for reading and the remarks.

Read it.

Very well writen IMO. I'm trying to get to that level myself.

Story wise its solid, suspenseful, and creepy. Good visuals for sure. The ending makes ya wanna read more.

Good job on getting it done.

Chad through me when he threatened the old man with the gun and then later pleaded a case to Vicky by saying they'd done too much to him. Hmmm. Overall kind of a ghost story around a camp fire kind of thing that didn't really pay off.

Hugh and Clorox, thanks for the read.

Clorox, not question I'm guilty of a whole bunch of plot devices here. As I explained above, my intention was to see if I could drive a story without all the things you normally need: likable protag, theme, etc. I wanted to see if I could drive it with one thing: curiosity. See if people could be curious about what's in the hotel, the room, the chest, despite the weak character.  

But in any case, Chad is not really a bad guy. He's a little dorky, kinda weak. He wants to impress Vicky, who is not evil, but a little bit the bad girl. Likes excitement. So Chad's pulling the gun is completely out of character for him. Sooner or later his conscience begins to get the better of him. And I wanted to show that so the old man will be a little sympathetic to him.

Not sure what you mean about the rule not being a rule. but thanks for reading.

EDIT  I see you edited your post, Clorox. What's strange and cool is that there's nothing below about revisions. How'd you do that?

I think the ending just felt a little lackluster compared with the rest of the story. Somebody made a suggestion that I think would really work - change the 'rule' so the old man could trade the new girl for his love. Then it could be a situation where his conscience always got the better of him until these two came along and really pushed the issue. Then you could have Chad become the new version of the old man, like a sort of changing of the guard. I dunno, just a thought

Still, you did a really good job

It's a cool idea I hadn't thought of. I'm not really planning on doing more with the story. Back to working on other stuff. But thanks for the feedback. Who knows, maybe I'll come back to it some day.  

Quoted from leitskev Hugh and Clorox, thanks for the read. Clorox, not question I'm guilty of a whole bunch of plot devices here. As I explained above, my intention was to see if I could drive a story without all the things you normally need: likable protag, theme, etc. I wanted to see if I could drive it with one thing: curiosity. See if people could be curious about what's in the hotel, the room, the chest, despite the weak character.   But in any case, Chad is not really a bad guy. He's a little dorky, kinda weak. He wants to impress Vicky, who is not evil, but a little bit the bad girl. Likes excitement. So Chad's pulling the gun is completely out of character for him. Sooner or later his conscience begins to get the better of him. And I wanted to show that so the old man will be a little sympathetic to him. Not sure what you mean about the rule not being a rule. but thanks for reading. EDIT  I see you edited your post, Clorox. What's strange and cool is that there's nothing below about revisions. How'd you do that?

Magic. I can get pretty verbose and thought better so I revised. You are right, pulling a gun is out of character, so why would he have one? That stood way out and is forced because of it. Since it is a campfire story, the pair could have showed up and heard the story and poo pooed it, only to find out it's real. They could have sneaked up after hearing the story like bad kids only to get in trouble, real trouble. The old man could be telling the same story with Vicky and Chad saying BS all along, then later, Vicky talks Chad into sneaking into the hotel and the old man is too late to save Vicky but can tell Chad he told him so.

The best ways I had in mind of getting them up into the hotel I couldn't use, unfortunately, because of the 4 actor limitation imposed here. I started the day before the deadline, so I was kind of rushed and took the easy way with the gun. I tried to at least make it work with the character motivations. He is a geek that wants to impress her, so he does things out of character. Having him find himself later and develop a conscience gives him a little arc. He has the gun for the same reason he pulls it: to impress Vicky. Somewhere along the way he picked it up to impress her.

The problem also was that by making this a hard rule of not being able to mention the hotel, it would almost take a gun to get the old man to go along.

I think the bigger issue with the story is the fact that the characters are unlikable. Normally you don't want to do that. I was fooling around with something here. I wanted to see if curiosity could drive the story. It seemed to work a little. I am definitely convinced that if you have a normal story, with a protag we bond with, these little teases can definitely help you through, especially patches in the story(a feature) where the goals or stakes might not be strong yet. And the thing about them is they're so easy to set up. Just establish questions people want answered. What's behind the door, or in the box, or who is that man in the hat. It's kind of gimmicky, but if it works it works.

Easy edit! Figured it out. We'll still say you got magic. Thanks for the comments.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Magic. I can get pretty verbose and thought better so I revised. You are right, pulling a gun is out of character, so why would he have one? That stood way out and is forced because of it. Since it is a campfire story, the pair could have showed up and heard the story and poo pooed it, only to find out it's real. They could have sneaked up after hearing the story like bad kids only to get in trouble, real trouble. The old man could be telling the same story with Vicky and Chad saying BS all along, then later, Vicky talks Chad into sneaking into the hotel and the old man is too late to save Vicky but can tell Chad he told him so.

This is exactly the thing I noticed with the gun. Often movies make out like everyone carries a pistol or whatever and knows how to use it.

Now, you might think this sounds silly, but I have a cool solution to this problem
and it's all because Limpwrist Larry (Sweet Justice) is still fresh in my mind.

All you need to do, Kevin is set this in the Old West. We know that everyone carries guns in Westerns. I actually love that idea and BTW...

I loved Cowboys and Aliens.  

Sandra

Maybe we should combine this with Limpwristed. Larry could make that guy talk!

The problem with going Western is that the old man would be armed and ready himself.

Had we not been limited to one location, I would have shown them in the car first. They could have discussed the gun there, and I could have set their characters up.

Like I said, I spent a day on it, I'll just leave it as it is, unless for some reason someone wanted to film. It was just an exercise. I actually do know of a hotel kind of like this, the owner looks similar to the old man, and he drives a horse wagon for publicity for that part of the city.

This was the first short I've written in a while, so it was fun. I'm getting behind on other stuff though. Gonna have to start getting up real early to make up time!

Hi Kev, I definitely think you should come back to this one day.  Despite the few issues I mentioned, I think you have a great idea here and it was one of my top 3 in the end.

I think this could easily be expanded into a longer story, and I'd love to read more about the mythology of the Dark Escort.

Thanks, Steve, if only I had a mythology! Hell, I don't even know what was in the chest. I voted First Time my top story, BTW. From the reviews it sounds like it got some other votes. Nice work.

Is this a new draft or something?

I've read a couple of other people's posts and them saying that the story just ended, like you just got to page 12 and stopped.

I thought the ending was finite enough for me.  There's really nothing else they can do, besides maybe call Ghosthunters and have them set up equipment to try and catch this 'Escort' guy in action, and that would definately break the 12 page and 4 character rule.  (Although the 4 character rule was broken anyway.  You followed the 4 actor rule, though.  I forgot if Don said it was 4 characters or 4 actors.)

Nevertheless, I still enjoyed the story, and I loved the atmosphere of it all.  It definately got me in a wintery mood.

And you were right, the mystery behind everything is what pushed this story forward.  At least for me, anyway, because the only character I liked was the old man.  Although, now after reading the ending, I do have a little bit of sympathy for Chad, knowing he'll probably end up like the old man.

I can say I didn't care for how Vicky and Chad were like Pumpkin and Honeybunny from 'Pulp Fiction'.  And Chad bringing out the gun was just weird.

But I really liked the rest of the story.  It was a very well written ghost tale.

And man, I don't know what's been up, but my girlfriend has just been downright mean and nasty lately, (and not just to me, either.)  Is this hotel anywhere near Virgil, Illinois?  That's not really that far of a trip from here and we could probably make it there in 8 hours or so.

- Mark

Wait for a snowy night to make the trip with your girlfriend!

Thanks for checking out, Mark. This is not a new draft. I thought the ending worked myself, and I didn't think of it until a few hours before the deadline. It was one of the few things that worked here.

I'm glad you thought the mystery factor could drive this. I wanted to see if that could work. I think it's kind of underrated in film discussion. Look at TV shows, or even stories that were originally written for serials, like Charles Dickens works. They are very mindful to end chapters/scenes in a way that opens questions you want answered, gets you to tune back or stay tuned. I think films would benefit from doing more of that.

Brett saw Pulp Fiction in that couple as well. I really don't see much similarity. This is more inspired by couples I saw all the time in the bar. You'd have a hot girl who craves excitement, and a geeky guy wondering how the hell he got a hot girl and what he has to do to keep her. The girl seems to always push the guy into trouble. not because she's evil, but just because she looks for the thrill. I could write a whole post just on my amateur psychological analysis of that, but I'll spare you!

Chad bringing out the gun was story convenience. It was gonna take something strong to get the old man to go up. I had considered a card game or something, but that would have taken too much time and required more characters. Basically, I just couldn't think of anything. Hate it when that happens!

I'm going to put more time into the Oct OWC. Hopefully it will come out better. I'm ready!