Splitzkrieg! by Greg Baldwin (greg) - Short, Comedy - Two mischievous 13 year-olds suspect their new elderly neighbor is a Nazi war criminal.   11 pages - pdf, format

Very good work. Well written, cute, entertaining. I can't really think of anything negative. I was half hoping for some kind of twist at the end, some change of direction. But still a very nice story.

While the latter half of this turns into a slight more serious tone, I half expected Jack to be like a re-enactment actor and he was playing with his neighbor's kids minds. But I'm okay with what you wrote. I think...

But i'll pony up. I liked this piece an awful lot. It worked. I haven't got anything too nitpicky here. I know right now based on other threads, folks are having this bird up the rear with character and dialog eating up the page over "visual" action. I think there is a bit of talk, but it's always active and engaging.

One of my favorites of the OWC. Maybe the favorite.

Great job!

“Nazis hate wedgies” has got be in the running for best OWC line.
This one really pushes the one location rule a little too far.
Three separate house interiors and exteriors. Borderline.
Reads awkward Jack just yells on pages 6-8. Give the guy a line.
Charming story until the jig was up and Jack came clean.
The ending felt flat after such an effective start.
Too much exposition for such a rollicking start. The rest is nifty.
I’m surprised the new “Nazi hunters” didn’t go after Madeline.

Regards,
E.D.

This was definitely done by an LA writer.  A shout-out to ICDC college, haha.  This college actually has Todd Bridges of Different Strokes as its spokesman.  True story.

On to the script.  Low budget, but definitely not one location.

The script had overtones of Apt Pupil, and I thought that's where the story was headed.   But, one of the problems for me was the tonal shifts that this script took.  It started out kind of fun and cutesy, then took a darker turn with the Nazi twist, then got ridiculous with the two kids giving the old man a wedgie, back to dark with the two kids being held "hostage" and the concentration camp tattoo revelation.   I wish the story committed to one path and stuck with it.

Another logic issue I had is that I think you made the boys too old, as well as Jack.  Some of the actions and dialogue from these two kids seemed juvenile even for a couple 13 year olds.  And, I think two thirteen year old boys would physically be more than a match for an eighty-five year old.  Maybe if the boys were around nine and Jack was a spry seventy.  Still old enough to have made it through the holocaust, but young enough to handle these whippersnappers.  Granted, Jack wouldn't have been old enough to be a Nazi, but from the perspective of young kids, I think they just tend to see elderly people as "really old."

Ambitious piece for one week, but I just didn't like it nearly as much as the other reviewers.

This was cute, more than one location, but cute. I thought you captured the moment well and you even got the comedy to drama thing right.   However, I did think the age differences were a bit unbelievable.  Best to set this about a decade or two ago when the hunter would have been a bit younger.  And as a note, I didn't like the last line.  

Well done for a weeks work.

After the first couple of paragraphs I expected to come away not liking this but I did. An enjoyable read with a few decent lines. With so much death and despair in these OWC submissions I appreciate the comedy scripts.

A few thoughts;

# I agree with ED that I expected Jack to speak a bit earlier
# two boys give you a wedgie, run into your house, try to steal and you're not a bit annoyed? A calm down moment required?
# the end seemed a bit stretched. I felt the last few lines could go without loss.

Not much to add, one of my favourites.

Hi
It was a nice short, enjoyed it. There were page restrictions, but i felt it could be a little longer, the beginning in particular was a bit of a rush for me.
I pictured these kids being more around 7 years old, i'm not sure teenagers would play with nerf guns or carry out 'atomics wedgies', as amusing as one sounds.  

I initially misunderstood the what Jack was, I thought he was a Nazi hunter, as in he had a vendetta and he was personally down tracking and killing Nazi's.  Made me think that may have added an interesting moral twist, albeit dramatically changing the tone.

Leon

Read it.

Good flow to the writing, grammar looked okay.

Story was pretty good as well. Nothing mind blowing but thats just as valid IMO.

Good job on getting it done.

This was enjoyable and very cute (even though the subject was actually quite dark). Some of the boy's dialogue swung from spot on to way off but there was some lovelly little touches. The script had good rhythm and the teaser was a great set up for the ending.
Very good.
Daz

Very good. best one so far, very easy to tell who wrote this one, i think the title gave the author away. kinda breaks the one location, well at least it bends it pretty far. a quck easy read. good job on the OWC.

This one felt like it wanted to be light, but it couldn't quite manage it. It felt
like it was written for children, but the way it came out was that it was written
for adults.

Here:

>They run over to the house where the music resonates from.

Should more like:

They run over to the house where the music resonates from.

The devil is in the details.

Sandra

I was enjoying this script, but the ending fell flat.  It just petered out.

Premise was similar to something I wrote a few years back, two imaginative kids finding adventure in their suburban world.  Though you came off a little wordy here and there, your descriptions were nice.  The boys’ dialog and interaction was entertaining enough, though it could be cut down a little.  You could probably trim this down to ten pages.

Hope this helps.


Phil

One location = one neighborhood? Works for me, kinda.

i liked it. The closing line was out of nowhere, I liked the reveal of the Nazi hunter but I was expecting a reversal that he was a Nazi. An 85 year old man is no match for 13 year olds.

I thought this was cute.

Like the others have said 13 year olds should act a bit older IMO.

I would have liked to seen some kind of a twist at the end though.

Congrats on finishing the OWC

Cindy

As I go:

Page 1:  Our cruisers can't repel firepower of that magnitude!  

NOT one location.  Or one setting.

Well, this one was cute and fun.  I finished reading because I was enjoying it but I'm not gonna comment because this wasn't one location.  

Oh, those zany Klarsfelds and their Nazi hunting hijinks...a little bit odd that you used the real name.  Unless there actually was a Jack...?

Sure, it's cute until somebody loses an eye.  
It's an accomplishment to create really dreadful characters, especially children, but you've succeeded.  Congratulations.

I thought this was one location. As Phil said, one stop for the equipment truck. This is all in an around the one house.

BTW, I did not write this, and no idea who did. I certainly think it qualifies for a review, especially if you read the thing.

Hey Kev,

Here's my thinking --

You would need permission from two houses to film this short.  Jack's house, and the opposing house that is Chuck's house (the kids hide in the lawn, go in the garage).  You would also need city permission to use the street (although like good indie filmmakers, you wouldn't get it!).  Therefore, not true to the letter of the challenge, in my opinion.

Jack's House, Street, Chuck's Garage.  Therefore, not true to the spirit of the challenge, in my opinion.

But I am now taking up more space on this thread, so I will say this:

I think Catherine's right in pointing out that the kids could come off a little nasty.  They're basically assaulting an old man, even if they're doing so for the "right" reasons, and at age 13 that's starting to get a little iffy for me.  The younger they get, the cuter, anyway, right?

I liked the premise but once I started reading I wondered if it wasn't actually sort of a big topic to take on in such a light fashion.  It kinda comes off like a kid's TV special where they learn an important lesson in a cheesy fashion, but then, y'know, it's the Holocaust.  Jack is played for fun but the truth is that there's really nothing fun about his character at all.  I'm also not convinced that the kids' behaviour should be encouraged -- not on the ground of what I said above, but on the grounds that Nazi hunting is not something that children should be involved in.

Those sound like very negative points but as I say, I really enjoyed this one.  The writing, of course, was spot on, and an asscrack gag never hurts.

I found this very enjoyable. Very easy to read and I found the characters were very likeable.

As I think was mentioned before the line 'Nazis hate wedgies' is one of the best lines in any of the scripts, really did have me chuckling. Thanks for that one.

The one thing that I noticed, from my inexperienced learning so far, is that the names Chuck and Jack are a little similar and one maybe needs to change. There was one point where I had to have a quick check which one was which, but maybe that was just me being an idiot.

Finally, I'm not that familiar with everyone's work on here yet but I have read 'The Scorsese Club'. It's one of only a handful of feature scripts I've made it all the way through and actually liked. While reading it was my guess that it was written by the same person, so I went back to check the name of the writer, also taking a quick peak at the script and noticed a few, shall we say... similarities. Unless the similarities were a very good red herring then I'm guessing this was written by Greg.

One of my favourites, good job.

Arty.

Hi I liked this. It was a good read, and I had a nice laugh at parts. I'll echo the comments about the age, although my first thought was that Madeline was presented as/acting too young for a 10 year old. Definitely isn't one location, though

Good job!

This was the best written of the bunch, by far. But I do agree with some others that this was more than one location. The twist was pretty predictable as well.

But all and all, so far out of my league in terms of quality that I don't even want to say much about it.

I liked this one a lot. Maybe my favorite even. It was cute and entertaining and felt like a real story. It was plain and simple but it worked. I think the boys should be a little younger, but other than that I loved the goofiness of the kids and how their imagination ran away with them. I still have a couple of scripts left to read, but I'm pretty sure this will be one of my 3 votes to Don.

Congratulations on the great work.  

Congrats on being in the top three. Can see why it is. I understand you made Jack so old because of the distance of WWII now, but I agree with others that the ages were a reality problem for this script.

The dialogue between the kids was good. You write kids well. Not easy to do. All in all it left me with a good feeling. Glad to have read it.

Good job completing the OWC...

James

Hey Kevin, Darren, Brett, Ryan, Michael, Bill, Leon, Hugh, Darren, Jordan, Sandra, Phil, Gary, Cindy, Chris, Catherine, Arty, Rebekah, Henrik, Pia, and James, thanks for the reads and votes!  I'm glad it served as an entertaining piece for this juggernaut of an OWC.

Couple things I wanted to respond to that were repeatedly brought up:

Why this is 1 location: The story takes place in and around Jack's house and Chuck's garage.  However, because nothing takes place inside Jack's garage, that could be used in place for Chuck's garage, since all they're doing is loading their gear off some shelves.  

Ages - This is mostly subjective, I think.  Jack's 85 but he's still plenty agile.  My 85 year old neighbor regularly surfs a few times a week.  As for the boys, this is the kind of stuff my neighbor and I did at 13.  Not hunt Nazis, but go on impulsive "missions" armed with Nerf and squirt guns to hunt down the evil power (which was usually this girl who would steal our stomp rockets and stuff).  

Quoted from c m hall Sure, it's cute until somebody loses an eye.   It's an accomplishment to create really dreadful characters, especially children, but you've succeeded.  Congratulations.

Hey, thanks for the bulletin board material.  Your opinion's your opinion, but maybe explain why these characters are so dreadful.  With Murderers, torturerers, and rapists this go around and for some reason these guys get that reaction, I would certainly like to know why.  

Thanks again everyone and thanks for playing!  This was a good OWC.

Greg

Very funny. Youthful vigor captured in a good little story.

I liked this one.  There were some funny parts, there were some serious parts.  All in all, it worked for me.

I don't think the ages were a problem.  For the old man or the young kids.  I don't even want to say what age a friend of mine and I used to be when we'd go on little assignments through the woods.  I will say, though, it was exhilerating when we lost a helicopter that was following us after traveling a little too far and ending up on property that was being drilled for oil.

I think it pretty much adheres to the 1 location rule.  I pictured the boys' attack on Madeline as happening right in front of Jack's house, anyway.

Definately a very good story for the OWC.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read and your words.  I'm glad you enjoyed it!  I had a lot of fun with this one.

I also saw that you had a new feature posted - I've got it in my queue

Thanks again,

Greg

I don't know if it's frowned upon to drudge up old scripts like this, but I have to say it was a  delightful morning read.  Great way to start the day.  Although some of the boy's dialogue seemed to be unbelievable for their age in a few spots.  Other than that it was a simple heartwarming tale.  

Hey Michael,

Thanks a lot for the read!  Sorry for the delay as I've been all over the place the past few days.  It's certainly not frowned upon to bump old scripts if they're by active members and/or in someone's signature.  I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks again!

Best,
Greg