Would you want a detailed review...  or have you finished revising this?

I'll take whatever you want to give. I figure nothing is ever finished until it is on screen, so if it needs improvement, please feel free. I'll continue revising.

George

Note: I’m at work so the first 20 pages of review are at home I’ll post them later.

First off:  my disclaimer:  I’m new to this world.  I’ve read a few things by this point but I’m still learning so take what is useful and leave the rest.  I only write this to help you improve the story.  I don’t read other people’s review until after so this may be some repeating.

General Stuff:
First off, great story.  Your ideas are solid and an interesting twist on an old idea.  The action moves along swiftly.  Your hero and mentor are strong characters.  Have you considered David’s flaw?  What is he overcoming on a personal level?  Is it just this mutation or the rejection that comes with it, you may want to consider bringing that out a bit more.  

The dialogue is hmmm, hard to listen to.  I find this to be the weakest part of the story.  It is distracting at times.  I’m confused on whether your world here speaks with a certain dialect or if it’s just modern English.  Because you vacillate back and forth.  Have you tried reading it aloud to yourself.  I’ll get more into this later.

Let me get into the nitty gritty:

20- Takes a long time to get back to some interesting action, maybe consider crashing through the floor earlier.

Why do we care that the boy was tailor, and if we do, just to show his ordinary world it doesn’t need to be built up as long as it’s done.  Personally it takes a long time for the adventure to begin, I’d like to see it happen sooner.

Example of the dialogue issue:

You write:  David: well we can either….
          Beth:  I’m not sure.

People don’t really talk like this.  

Maybe try:

David:  Let’s check it out.
Beth:  David… no!  

I found that through out the story, you had characters say what they are feeling.  What you need to do is have them say what someone might say if they were feeling that way.  Know what I mean?

Why do David and Beth care about Ben?  I have no sympathy for that character and see no reason why beth or david should.  Why does David think this light would have anything to do with Ben.  

Another thing I noticed through but I will only mention 1 time:  You explain in detail the setting, page 20 the kerosene lamp, I was under the impression that if it doesn’t push the story forward don’t mention, and though it plays a role later on, I don’t know if you really have to get into the describing the wick etc.  Just kerosene or candle might do…

If this guys a fempiror I thought he couldn’t survive fire.  There light system is based on avoiding fire?   So I’m not sure if this and the final scene work with that logic in place.  Anywho…

21- line “found you” doesn’t work for me,

22- last ex: of wordy action:  “the pair screams and darts…  you go on”  all we need to know is they run off the rest is fluff, I’ve been told to cut the fluff…

24: Rufus’ line “Im here to reward…” =wordy.

25: transmutation seems like the wrong term.  I think here might be a good place for a fictitious term.    Transmuation is too modern and high-tech these people are living in wooden cabins right?

27-Rufus dies…  kinda anti-climatic=maybe he could slumps to the ground and puddle of blood seeps into the dust??

35:  Gosh he’s asking a lot of questions.  A look can accomplish the same thing.

36: this is the best part.

28: with a…with a…=words repeated

40:  your fellertrusk.  I wouldn’t put this in there, I get you made up the language but I didn’t read it, I just read the translation.  Is how the language would sound a screenwriter’s call?

42:  chaos that follows… why was there chaos… that didn’t come through for me.

46.     Why does this girl have so much free time!  She paints crochet, shouldn’t she be cooking or working.  Plus having a painting of a boy in the house that her parents don’t know about seems weird.  Not sure if the painting really works.

-come back my love=over the top, subtlety may be best here.

53: another example of changing dialect.  I can’t get a grasp of these characters because the language they use seems older at times and then modern.   You should pick and stick with it.

54: NO! too easy.  Better reason for there being no cure.  He tried for 100 years and couldn’t figure it out…why this is what I want to know!

70:  How David rides him is weird…awkward not manly….  I’d try a different way.

The levi-cars=having a hard time picture how they work…  they float but are then on tracks…are they like 2nd Indiana jones except they float??

77: example of you saying what character thinking:  “I hope you do…”  Someone might say “good” you know?

•     wondering at this point how this whole secret civ survive and David’s town not know about it?  

87 Zechariah look over to

92: Even=ever

96: “but what if they assume” whow! Slow down.  That’s a real long complicated line for what… maybe your shooting for comic relief?  But it didn’t work for me.  Either way though it’s too convoluted.

Logic issue why the complex trap?  Why even let them in.  Just kill them outside.  Or the first time in the room?  Kidnapping etc. seemed unnecessary to the story anyway.  It doesn’t really serve a point.

102: medics?  Different term, maybe make one up?

Who’s Ulrich seems like these two know each-other but how… maybe that’s what you were going for.

105: if I just got kidnapped im not sitting around.  “understood” come one, let’s see him get mad, get even already, and stop being such a wuss!

106: he’s moving in on his friend girl awful soon… seems wrong  I don’t like Abraham he’s scum.  

109: these guys are hugging now?  Didn’t they just kinda meet?

110: the genocide concept:  I don’t get why… isn’t this issue really about revenge for rejection…  aren’t they just evil in that sense?  It’s not clear.
Touché- would they use that word?
Shouldn’t Zacariah fight the boss?

115:  This is FORCED.  You’ve been foreshadowing this for an hour now…  Subtle.  This scene doesn’t work.  Way to blatant.  

Vladimir-traitor=it’s telegraphed here…  Less obvious…should be a shock…  You see this coming from a mile away.  

121-david is having a easy time with this idea, he just let’s everything go.  Why the sudden change, his whole frame of reference has done a 180 and I never saw it happen, that’s part of his journey/the audience needs to see this.

Why do the townspeople accept this stranger Vladimir but not the one they know David?

124;sexual relations: line is funny to me and it’s not supposed to be, this is serious, and may need to be said in a different way to avoid the immature giggle.

126: This moment is a gem, but it’s not used to it’s full potential.  Could be much more funny!  This is your comic relief moment….

Tepish buy loyalty-formatting is off

129: Too wordy.  This is your Luke I am your father moment.  But right now you have the equivalent of “Luke I am the husband of your mother, whom gave birth to you 432 months ago.”  This line really needs to pop…

130 we already had the fight with the cocky guy, can’t he have a different flaw?

131: “as if accepting his fate” show don’t tell.  His eyes have to do that, but you can’t say it, right?

Why is Abraham reaction the way they are…  David’s been gone for what 1-5 days, his reactions isn’t making sense to me.  

132: how’s Abraham know her life is ruined?

133:  The townsfolk conversation sounds like you just want to set up this mill to be burning.  Doesn’t work for me…  Plus I thought they couldn’t be near fire.

Awesome ending.  I was thinking that would be a great idea, and well you’d already done it.  

When I get back I’ll post the first 20 pages.  Again nothing is meant to be sarcastic or critical, I use examples not to make fun, but because I learn best and find it hard to explain things unless I use them.  I ask questions often to say, this is what your audience will be wondering.  Sometimes it’s cause I missed something, point it out and I’ll probably repeal my comment.  

Hope you find this helpful.  

One more thing... Act 1 really comes through strong...  Act 2 gets muddles with Act 3 when I read it.  

Have you thought about your crisis point in Act 2?

Resolution and climax in Act 3?  

Maybe I'm missing it, if so what are they?

Next, I read this very quick for how long it is, and it is long.  I know my review was fairly negative but telling what you did right doesn't help you improve does it?  

Jaykur22

Thanks Jaykur. You've given me some good ideas to think about here. Stuff I may not have noticed before. I kind of figured this part needed more work. It was the first one written, and it was rewritten 5 or 6 times in outline form, and then tweaked and reworked over and over and over in screenplay form. Of all the Fempiror entries, this one is probably the weakest because it was the first.

I'll certainly be looking into your comments and see what can or can't be corrected. Some of the comments play into the universe as a whole, and changing them woudl disrupt a lot of future goings-on. Some things are left for deliberate confusion, but other things you've mentioned are very, very solid points such as some of the characters' reactions, and that pesky dialogue...I'm always revising it.

I'm a little thrown off by the comment on fire. Fire is not detrimental to a Fempiror in any way. Their aversion to sunlight (while unknown to them in this period) is due to ultraviolet radiation, a property not present in common fire. In the next part, they use fire rather extensively. The reason they would prefer not to use fire is because of the smoke and enclosed areas. So, I am very curious as to where this idea of fire being bad came from because I need to fix that.

Again, thank you very much for the details on what isn't working. I really appreciate it. I hope you continue to read and enjoy the series. I promise, the quality improves as you go onward.

The first 20 pages as promised.

First off I found the language bit in the beginning slightly overwhelming... i just want to understand it, I don't want to have to learn another language.  Granted yo did subtitle it.  

1: you use the word stereotypical...  I'd show don't tell her.  All the houses in a row...  But this brings up another point.  You have a fairy tale land here, what's stereotypical?  

"Been gonna make it"  =ben

Ben talks very well for being hammered.

4: stranger think there should be an s here

6.  what importance is the shirt dying?  This is a few minutes of movie and it never comes back into play, it's not really necessary.  

9.  taylor=tailor

11: twosome and threesomes... what are you trying to say.  It's not coming out very clear, slightly convulated.  

Maybe try:  we hang al lthe time, and you got the girl, and what do I have... he holds up his hand.  (little crass, more my sense of humor but i think you get what I'm saying)

16:  feel slightly overwhelmed by all these characters

what is this all about...maybe try raise an eye brown...or crinkle his brow.

17: used for little but hiding... re barn....  drop that and explain it, old rickety wood, termite ridden etc.  

Aright...slightly out of order but works getting in the way of my hobbies...sorry

Also I could provide more examples re: any comments above especially when I spoke in generalities but I didn't want you to feel brow beaten, however if it would help I could go back through and really pull out what I was talking about, quote it ,and then tweak to what I was talking about.  

I'll leave that up to you.

Jaykur22

The purpose of the page at the beginning is not to learn a new language, but just to be able to pronounce it. That's all. The shirt dying was a character device for David's life. He is dying a shirt blue. This is a very menial task and the color of depression. David's potential is examined using the rod he was churning with as it simulates the sword he will eventually use. It's more or less a metaphorical scene than it is a setup/payoff kind of scene.

taylor/tailor...yeah, I misspelled it as his name once and forgot to change it before I went on. Now it's forever misspelled.

And no worries about my feeling brow-beaten. I'd rather it be torn apart at this stage than later when I can't fix it. I'm rather enjoying you tearing it apart.

And I really must read the dialogue out loud some time...

Cool beans my man.

Re: shirt dying-i guess maybe shorter; drags slightly and I think when you finally get going the story really rolls, so I thought it may be a part to trim back.  However if it comes into play later that's your call.

I actually found it very helpful to read a character and have someone else, buddy, wife, gf, whatever your personal situation; be other roles.  

The fire comment originates from this line:

ZECHARIAH
Since we are night dwellers, the
first thing created was some kind
of light that did not require fire.

I interpretted that as meaning there purpose was to avoid fire.  The only reason I could think of as to them avoiding fire was because like sunlight it affects them.  Maybe I'm missing something.

Hope this helps.

jaykur22

Quoted from Jaykur22 The fire comment originates from this line: ZECHARIAH Since we are night dwellers, the first thing created was some kind of light that did not require fire. I interpretted that as meaning there purpose was to avoid fire.  The only reason I could think of as to them avoiding fire was because like sunlight it affects them.  Maybe I'm missing something.

No, you caught something that is rather significant. The line needs to be revised, and I just need to figure out how so no one else is thrown off by that line. Every line needs to mean something and they shoudl not be misinterpretable unless it's done on purpose. I'll look into it for sure.

The whole dying scene is also just giving David something to do while he and Abraham talk. However, I'll see if the info can be dispersed.

Thanks again. Very much.

My God!! Jaykur, that's a lot of comments! How can you find THAT much wrong with these scripts?

George, does this mean you're gonna rewrite the episodes, and/or films?

I'll do what I always do. Weigh all comments I receive seriously, and if the opening script (which needs to the most work, IMO) needs a few of these modifications that Jaykur suggests, then I will certainly take them. I am always open to feedback. I know my series better than anyone, and you can be assured the greater continuity will not be affected by any comments I receive. However, Jaykur makes some fine points within this story, and I will be taking some to heart.

Hello George. I'm going to start reading your series here. It looks like a great piece of work.

Cool. I hope you enjoy it. If you don't, I hope you let me know what I can do better. Thanks.

Guess what the script of the day is! The Initiation of David was randomishly selected. Feedback aside, if you're looking for something that isn't so bad and you're tired of another remake of a remake, here's something original.

Since I'm posting anyway, I thought I'd throw out there that I'm finally working on the fourth feature of the series entitled Voivode. After I finish the first draft, I'm going to put it on ice for a month or so while I rewrite it, so it's not like it's right around the corner or anything, but soon-ish.

I haven't been able to read the next two features like I wanted to because I've been super busy this summer with Drivers Ed and camps and everything between. And I'm fixin' to do the driving part of drivers e on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then Monday...busy busy busy.

I have scanned the second one and it looks pretty good. But I want to actually sit down and read it. So, after I finish up a few promised reads, I'll get to reading your next two features and then, hopfully, the series.

And I second what he said. If you are looking for a good, clean, easy-to-read, original, amazing read...read these scripts!

-Chris