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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Fempiror Chronicles Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Fempiror Chronicles  (currently 26644 views)
Old Time Wesley
Posted: May 14th, 2005, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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I think it was Bert that I stole the page numbering on the mistake things so the writer can find them haha.

I think this screenplay flows by too fast actually, it could be longer and I would have thought it much better. If shortened we may get screwed out of the good, maybe some dialogue cuts here and there that tell the same story over and over but really other than that to cut any specific scenes could hurt it.


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bert
Posted: May 14th, 2005, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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I never called you on the quality of your dialogue, George.  I just noted a few times that you slip into language that is a little too "modern".  I think it's good, and if you ask me, dialogue is at least 5 times harder than the descriptive stuff.  Maybe more.

And please do not think I was bored.  I was talking about somebody else's attention span, not mine.


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George Willson
Posted: May 14th, 2005, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, I understood what you meant on the attention span thing. No worries.

And thank you for the compliment on the dialogue. I never considered that you called me on the quality of the dialogue. I simply understood that it is not quite perfect yet, and I need to have a look over to get it closer to that mark.  


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bert
Posted: May 17th, 2005, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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I have read through the second part of your little epic, and enjoyed it much more than the first, though honestly, I can not tell you why...just did.  This isn't a knock on part one.  I'm just saying.

Your plotting is so meticulous that many of the comments I made as I was reading had to be scratched out later on in the story.  But some survived, of course.  They always do.  We could probably sit around and punch holes in Citizen Kane if we wanted to...


Spoilers ahoy!


Dialogue:  Again, watch the modern stuff.  Lots of "OK" scattered about, and a particularly glaring one on [81] "You do your thing..."
Early on:  You frequently point out in the TEXT how everyone has aged very little in the past decade, but I find it odd that none of the characters comment on it themselves.  I am referring, of course, to David and Beth.  They should definately discuss how little they have changed from the people they once knew -- this is for the viewer's benefit, as well.
[32] Dialogue for "The Voice" is all screwed up on one of these.
[46] David greeting his brother is a little too "cute", but more importantly, I felt this was completely out of character for him.  He would not do that.
[74] Three "good evening" in a row, back to back?  Mix it up a little.
[76] I can not believe these warriors would not struggle, whatever the odds.  They can still end up bound to the stakes, as they must, but they would fight.
[87] Given their highly advanced science, Abraham the alchemist would likely know that these effects arise from a buildup of methane gas.
[111] Vladimir gets to walk "for old times sake"?  Yuck.  I don't buy it.  It's OK for David and Abraham to split like this, but not for this traitor.  He should escape; otherwise, it just rings of a convenient set-up for later.
The very, very last scene:  Now, I was not just skimming this story -- I was involved.  But when Karian awakes, I was like, "Now who is this guy again?"  I had to go back and find him.  My point is that this character, whom I suspect will be pivitol later on, failed to make a lasting impression.  Maybe a better description would fix that?

By the way, has Karian been "changed"?  I certainly hope so, and if he has, I would like to see him grinning with large fangs there at the end.


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George Willson
Posted: May 17th, 2005, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Spoliers here too.

Thank you so very much for the comments. I have been dying for someone to read this one and tell me something about it.

I will go over the dialogue in this one as well and check those modernisms.

As for David's brother, do you feel like the build into it was too cute, or that he said anything at all was too cute?

Abraham might know the reason is due to a buildup of methane gas, but the real question is, in 1785, has methane gas been labeled and analyzed? Many things that occur in these stories are ahead of their time, but since human science has not discovered it, the Fempiror do not have labels for it. Abraham has the concept of why, but cannot explain it due to lack of language to do so. I could make something up, I suppose.

Vladimir walking...oh yeah, that part sucks. I think I ran out of ideas. I'll fix it to something more exciting.

As for Karian...he is a minor character in part 1, factors back into part 2 as a minor character, but in the same role, and when he opens up at the end, yes, he is changed. I'll have a look over and see if he can be improved anywhere in the first two parts.

Thanks again so very much. You've given me something to go on.


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bert
Posted: May 17th, 2005, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Real quick:

David's brother:  Both.  The "wait for it" was a little too "cute", and the fact that he would likely traumatize his brother and family -- well, he just wouldn't.

Methane gas:  These guys are doing genetic engineering!  Abraham should understand exactly why this would go boom.  [And another thing that occurs to me just now...are you sure they would use the word "toilets"?]  The periodic table was devised in 1869 (please do not ask how I know this...), so you are well within the realm of likelihood.

Karian:  Good.  Give him fangs!


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George Willson
Posted: May 17th, 2005, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, so the wait for it needs to go. Granted, I figured I'd get hit on that. Remember my meticulous plotting? That scene has to stay...at least the gist of it. However, I believe I can set it up a little better, so it feels little less cruel even though the results will stay cruel. Is Mark traumatised? Yes, to an extent. Are there consequences? Yes, there are. Is this in Part 2? No, it isn't. Is this a spoiler...? I dunno. I'll try to make it work better, but it can't go away. Any ideas are welcomed.

I'll make Abraham less dumb to the process whether he uses the actual scientific terminology or not. Methane was coined in in 1868 as a combination of meth(yl) and chemical suffix ane. Methyl (the word) was introduced by a Swedish chemist in 1844 but dates back to 1835. Abraham will sound smart without saying the specific words.

Looked up toilet, and turns out the only word in use in 1785 that means "toilet" is privy. Toilet didn't mean what it does now until 1895. http://www.etymonline.com is cool...



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George Willson  -  May 17th, 2005, 8:11pm
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bert
Posted: May 17th, 2005, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't the first toilet called a "crapper"?

Don't suppose you would be too interested in that, tho...


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George Willson
Posted: May 17th, 2005, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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To venture only slightly off topic...

Crapper probably originated as a term for the toilet after Thomas Crapper who invented the ball and suction device used in modern toilets in 1882. The word crap meaning to defecate originated as a verb in 1846 and a noun in 1898, but its original meaning (applied to things that are cast off or discarded) stretches back to 1425 when it referred to weeds growing among corn.

Man, that site is cool!


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George Willson
Posted: May 20th, 2005, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Whether you've read it or not, I have made some updates to Fempiror Parts 1 & 2. The file names are exactly the same. I fixed some dialogue things such as removing every Ok, which didn't come about until 1839, I'm sorry, which was not around until 1914, and you're welcome, which was not a gainsay response to Thank you until 1907. I also fixed the toilet and bathroom references in Part 2 to chamber pot and water closet, respectively, since those terms are old enough to work. Did a little bit of word research to try and unmodernize the speech a bit.

In part 1, I extended the scene in Urufdiam where the team meets Ulrich. In part 2, I changed the David meets his brother scene to something more believable as well as getting the Tepish out of the end without being just plain stupid.


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dogglebe
Posted: June 9th, 2005, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Did you model Zechariah after Sean Connery?  I'm getting a strong vibe about this.  Maybe I'm just craving a wee heavy....


Phil
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George Willson
Posted: June 9th, 2005, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Actually, I don't recall whether I modeled Zechariah after anyone. When picturing a description, I was thinking of a combination of Gandalf, Obi-Wan Kenobi and a hint of Blade, but as for his character, there wasn't really anyone.

Connery could be cast as Zechariah, however, and being the Bond fan I am, I'd have no complaints.  



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George Willson  -  June 9th, 2005, 3:12pm
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dogglebe
Posted: June 9th, 2005, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Having read thte first episode, I can say that you have an interesting story and it appears that you have thought out the mythos completely.  In fact, I'm willing to bet that you came up with so much stuff regarding the Fempirers that you haven'y used it all (which is never a bad thting).

Your biggest problem lies in your dialogue.  The humans all talk with modern day colloquialisms and the Fempirors all talk like they just walked out of an old Bible movie.  Rent 'The Ten Commandments' or 'The King of Kings' to see what I'm talking about.  They are all extremely long winded and use that type of forced dialogue to make them seem so wise.  The problem with this is that when everyone talks this wisely, they tend to  all sound like idiots.

Shorten the dialogue!

A couple of minor problems, if I may:


SPOILER SPACE....

No one would care about the disappearance of the town drunk after only one day.  It's more believeable that he's sleeping it off somewhere than to believe that a monster got him.  And if people are so superstitious in this town, then David's father would not let him go out after dark, especially if there was a ban on it.  Two hundred years ago, people followed such laws.

On page fifteen, you describe David and Beth as being in the perfect hiding spot (the grove).  If this is the case, why leave it and go to the mill?  And how did they get out of the cavern that they had to jump down to get into.

On page twenty-one, you have Beth's parents horrified that Beth and David were out at night alone because it was dangerous.  It's also improper.  Extremely improper!  Beth's father should've beaten the snot out of him for that alone.  You must remember what period this is.

The same applies on page forty-four at the funeral.  Abraham puts his hand around Beth to comfort her.  Such casual contact was not allowed.  Her father should've beaten the snot out of Abraham.  And then he should've taken a belt to Beth for being such a slut.

A lot of your dialogue was too on the nose.  This is especially true whenever David asked Zechariah a question.  Zech replied with encyclopedia-quality answers each and every time.  Page 53 is a great example of this.  Maybe once, you could've had him reply with, 'You'll find out soon enough.'

When Z&D arrive in Erim (page 47), the sign for the council body hall is in English.  Is this right?

The conversation between David and Abraham on page 122 needs a lot of work.  Abraham just accepts everything he's told from a friend he buried.  And then Beth does a few pages later?

Page 129.  Beth and David do the nasty.  Given the time period, they didn't know how.

Page 133.  It doesn't take any time at all to get all the villagers going with the pitchforks and torches, does it?

Beth becomes a Fempirer on page 138.  This makes sense.

Abraham's monologue on page 142 was over the top.

The ending/cliffhanger was good.  I wasn't completely surprised by it, but I like it.

I think that once you fix your dialogue problems (which would probably cut thtirty pages off the script), you'll have a really solid script.


Phil
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George Willson
Posted: June 10th, 2005, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Thans a lot for the feedback. I'll definitely take it all into account. Thanks especially for pointing out specific dialogue issues, since I know it is a weak point of mine. As for the modern phrases, I have made several passes taking those out. Some of them will undoubtedly remain and if produced, they'll all get caught and axed, I'm sure.

While I'm not entirely certain that at the point in the script where David and Beth find themselves in the cave, it does become clear later that the cave does have an entrance since it is used several times.

As for the mythos, there's a ton of stuff, and I doubt it will all be used for more than just knowing where we came from. My current "Bible" for the series is at 65 pages.

And I've considered cutting David's father's involvement for some time in breaking the ban. Sounds like it might be prudent.

And finally, I'll work on making their relationship more realistic and yet get everything to work the way it needs to.

Thanks again very much.

Only question I have is how Abraham's dialogue is over the top. Over the top how?



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George Willson  -  June 10th, 2005, 1:35am
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dogglebe
Posted: June 10th, 2005, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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On page 142, you have him saying (after David and Beth leave):

"Damn you!  I will follow you to the ends of the earth until the end of time!  You will never be able to escape me!"

THAT is over the top.


Phil
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