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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Fempiror Chronicles Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Fempiror Chronicles  (currently 26639 views)
stifler048
Posted: July 10th, 2005, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Alright. I only read the first part of the Fempiror Chronicles because it came out before I got here. I thought it was pretty good. Thanks for reccomending me The Screenwriter's Bible. Whenever I get to read the next ones, I'll review that again. I'm gonna start on my new script soon, and it should be in the next batch of unproduced scripts, or the one after that. But whenever, I know two things. One, it will be pretty serious (like The Butterfly Effect a little bit), and second, there will be a HUGE twist. So, whenever I get it here, please review it for me and tell it out is is. I'm afraid you might think it will be too much of the movie Saw. But, still, the only thing I have is the ending, and I estimate it will be about 115 pages. So, whenever I get chance to write (which is probably on Tuesday), I'll inform you guys on my first script. If this script is a bummer, I'm gonna quit writing horror films and go to comedies. So, thanks for recommending me the book, I'll read it tomorrow. And, thanks for giving me the spirit of writing scripts (but not like that... I just thought I had crappy ideas). But I like your script and I think you'll have it probably produced into a series like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. But please, anybody reading this, please read my script.
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George Willson
Posted: July 10th, 2005, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the compliment. Appreciate your enthusiasm.

Best of luck with your own scripts. Press on to the end and you won't be disappointed. Remember that the first draft is nothing more than a good start.


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bert
Posted: July 12th, 2005, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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These comments are specific to episode 1X01 and contain spoilers:


So, this is good, too, of course.  They all are.  I get so tired of gushing.  This one is kind of long for a series, though, even at an hour, but I assume you are working on a longer pilot episode here. I keep wondering if that well is ever going to run dry.

It was not at all clear to me that this was a present day story. The log line should make mention of this, for sure. Kind of a weird Highlander/Sea-Lab/Get Smart kinda’ thing going on, you know?  I love it.

Got some specifics here:

* typo pg 36 “lets everyone known”
* I would like to see a short, suspenseful scene where William actually gets identified, and he knows it.
* pg 53, the Tepish escape:  I am not at all clear what happened here or how they lost them. It is confusing as written.
* pg 74: Is it really necessary to describe a landline phone? Have we come that far? And why does it need to be landline anyways?
* pg 76: OK, now I understand better what happened on page 53. Now I think you should have David discover this door NOW, for the first time, and just let those other guys be confused as to what happened to the Tepish. I think it plays out better that way.
* typo pg 88 “performs and swift move”
* pg 101-102: Boy, this stretch of dialogue just isn’t working. “Because I told you to”, “Well, Alex”, and stuff like that. They sound like parents or something.  Reread it and I’ll bet you see what I mean. You need to go back and “clever” this up a bit; more confrontation and in-your-face kinda’ stuff.
* Your series needs a theme song, George. I highly recommend “How soon is now?”, by the Smiths. I think you’ll really like it in this context.  It’s a sexy kinda’ song that a stripper might use, but creepy, too. In fact, it could have been a Bond theme.  Really.

I won’t bother complaining about loose ends (so where has David been all these years?); I will just assume that you’re getting around to that stuff eventually.

I really hope this good stuff gets noticed for you, man. Honestly. And when that producer with a shit-load of money calls you up and the demands of keeping up with a successful series become too taxing even for you…well, I’ve got some ideas.

So enjoy your spot at the top of the series list until another “LOL” for A-List knocks you down.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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George Willson
Posted: July 12th, 2005, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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The run time for this one in TV time would probably be at 2 1/2 hours since you'd have to allow about 7-8 mins of commercials per 1/2 hour of show. The actual episodes are normal 60 minutes episodes having around 45 pages each.

Thanks for the kind words and the comments. I've heard a few times that the dialogue in this is stiff, but no one has ever pointed out where is the biggest problem. I will certainly look into that part on pg 101-2 to check it out.

I'll also see what the deal is with 53/76 to make it work better.

Why describe the phone? I guess I wanted to be clear what variety of landline phone it was for some reason. Lord only knows what I was thinking. I probably had some other idea for it that I let go because it didn't work.

Where has David been all these years? I have two other screenplays between part 3 and this that will explain it. I just had this idea before I wrote them. Oh well. Now you know he continues to live. No real spoiler there.

Theme song, eh? I may find a substitute until I sit down and write something. I've always been adept at music and as such, I would be a sinner if I didn't write my own theme song, but I'll have to listen to your suggestion and see what I think in the interrim.

Not only will that producer need the money, but he's gonna have to have that rare open mind to allow the series (movies and TV) run almost unchanged. I understand rewriting and all that, but major changes are out of the question.

LOL this, A-List!


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bert
Posted: July 12th, 2005, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Gee. What will happen next.  I hope it's a GIANT TWIST!!!

LOL LOL  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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George Willson
Posted: July 12th, 2005, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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LOL <--mandatory...

It's a twist that so big and giat, you'll never be able to guess it. It's hugh! Colossal! Studendous! Splendiferous! Over the top and unbelievable and has to do with the guy's father! OMG! OMG! I've said too much and I can't delete it! OMG! You just have to read it to find out whenever I post if Don doesn't discover my fifteen ID's and delete them first!

LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!

Gimme a break...


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George Willson
Posted: August 13th, 2005, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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And now, the saga continues.

I have posted Episode 1x02: Loose Ends. Since it is a normal episode, it is around 50 pages long. The pacing is a little slower than the pilot, but still should have enough intrigue to keep you going. Still kind of working to introduce the world to those who aren't fully initiated and even throwing out some new stuff.

Feel free to leave a scathing review as long as you pour forth why it's so awful.



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George Willson  -  August 13th, 2005, 10:28pm
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bert
Posted: August 14th, 2005, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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How different is this episode from the "preview" version I read before?  Did you get around to reworking this to any large extent?  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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George Willson
Posted: August 14th, 2005, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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I extended the "Mindy" section primarily giving it a little more action as well as tweaking some of the dialogue here and there. I decided to setup a technique that will come back in 1x05 on scanning the insides of buildings in the process.

I still give the two couples personal time, but shortened their sections just a little bit so that isn't so long. Hopefully, it is an improvement.



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George Willson
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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A few things: first, Episode 1x03: The Meeting is now available to read. Second, the next episode 1x04: Club Mutation will be up on or about October 1st (whenever Don does that week's posts.)

Third, here's a review (given verbatim with no edits) of 1x01: Lost and Found by Ian Austin (aka Chilli) given on another site (THERE ARE SPOILERS WITHIN):

"Right - before I start, I'll just say that I recognise there are film scripts before this, but I haven't read them, so some backstory will elude me. That being said, this certainly seems like an interesting concept, and I'll review this double length Premiere Ep as best I can.

So we begin with jargon, which leads me to believe I was cursed in a former life to read lots of scripts filled with jargon (thankfully there isn't an excess in this script).

Okay - I just want to state that these Thugs, and Erech, do not function as an accurate example of my genre (male) and are pretty horrible to read about, which is the intent but does make me squirm slightly nonetheless.

FACT TIME

David Taylor wrestled for WCW, and teamed with Stephen (now William) Regal and Bobby Eton as The Bluebloods (relatively successful stable) in the mid nineties.

I up the grade from a B to a B+ for having Childress as a character name.

I up the grade from a B+ to an A- for a great opening that is pacy and interesting without actually telling us anything about the characters.

Transmutation? Uh oh, I sense epic backstory worthy of Whedon coming up.

Okay we jump from an A- to an A because this is the most accessible script I've ever read. I feel like I know these characters more than I do, and it is such an easy read. (That's a good thing.)

You slip from an A to an A- because some of the dialogue is stilted and clumsy.

Okay, we got from an A- back to an A because you have William Smith (Will Smith - jiggy) as a character name.

Now that is a harsh and brutally effective way to end Act Two - and harsh and brutally effective make for great drama.

The Agent 47 (Hitman reference) pushes the grade up to an A+

This is brilliantly cinematic.

Okay Erech's sleaziness pushes this down to an A- (he's really sick and twisted, and in a ewww kinda way)--

-- but you jump back up to an A with the way that David Taylor is at equal turns a standard Hero character, but also so well-written that we end up thinking he's a lot more interesting than that basic description could ever hope to achieve --

-- and go up to an A+ for a combination of the final moments and the blissful continuity moment of Carla skipping out prior to the bloodshed.

A+

This is a brilliant story that is pacily told, setting up both a universe and a series rich in intrigue. It is first class to read, and one of the best scripts (virtual or otherwise) I've ever read."



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George Willson
Posted: September 28th, 2005, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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I now have posted 1x04: Club Mutation. It's a lot more action than the series has seen so far, and was a wild ride to write. I hope you enjoy it.


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bert
Posted: September 28th, 2005, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Episode 4 is my favorite  

Good enough that it practically stands on its own.  If you haven't read any of these, put down "Jason vs. Terminator pt. XVII" and read this one -- then see if you don't want to check out what has gone before.


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George Willson
Posted: October 10th, 2005, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Episode 5 is now up. After this one, I had to take a break from it since my brain was getting stale on it. The rest of the season will come in due time. I am planning on Ep 6 in December if my muse comes back to me before then.

Enjoy! And if you haven't read the earlier episodes, check out what you're missing.


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George Willson
Posted: October 14th, 2005, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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I had originally planned to make this a weekly series, but a nearly complete lack of reads after the series began has prompted me to take it easier on it. Since there is no apparent desire to read the series right now, churning out an episode a week seems kind of pointless. I'll keep writing it, but not at the feverish pace it started at.

If, perhaps, people do start reading it and want to read more, then I'll pick up the pace a little, but until that happens, I'm turning off the heat.


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Martin
Posted: November 16th, 2005, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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George, I finally finished reading The Initiation of David. What a fantastic story. It's epic, biblical, a true hero's journey. In fact,I'm certaiin you've studied the hero's journey structure since all the elements are there; the call, the refusal, the mentor, the trials, the shapeshifter, the temptress. You pulled it all together wonderfully.

I was really impressed with the depth and imagination of the world you created.

Early on I realised that any notes I took would be nitpicky but I made some anyway:

Right off the bat. Page 1 "you gonna be alright". Since this is 17th century I'm reading it in an Olde English accent and that line jumps out at me. I'd avoid words like "gonna".

Again on page 20 both David and Beth say "gonna" and it sucks me right out of the period. Perhaps change "now he's gonna find us" to "now he'll surely find us". And then "no-one will find us".

I love Zecharia's description of the Fempiror history with all the battle scenes. The voice over works well.

Typo page 43. "torching the everything"

Page 51: "don't treat me like I was transmutated yesterday" hahahaha

Page 65 - "the new kid"- To me, the word "kid" used in this way sounds a little too modern, maybe that's just me.

I don't know why, but Paul seems like a strange name to be using. All the other names you use are very fitting but this one stands out as ordinary to the point of absurd.

I love the scene in the Dark West Gathering Hall. The action is vividly described.

Page 110. "Beth pushes him aside with anger-pumped strength" Firstly, the term 'anger-pumped' sounds weird to me. Maybe 'anger-fuelled'? Secondly, Abraham is knocked unconscious but you don't describe how. Did he hit his head when he fell?

At this point, Beth has come back into the story after quite a lengthy absence. Personally, I think you need to show more of her story since David "died".

Page 111: David says "Just walking around, I guess" then the conversation ends with "Sure" this stood out as American sounding.

The power chamber scene is awesome.

Page 117: I think the conversation between David and Abraham needs some work, particularly the early exchanges. I can't really put my finger on why.

The last 30 pages or so are excellent. Some great twists and turns that I didn't see coming. You really hooked me with the ending. I simply have to know what happens. A great way to kick off the trilogy.

Overall, a great story. I look forward to reading the rest if I ever find the time. My only criticism would be that it's very long. However, I honestly can't see too many places where you could make major cuts.
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