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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Fempiror Chronicles Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Fempiror Chronicles  (currently 26641 views)
Don
Posted: November 9th, 2004, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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See also www.fempiror.com

Fempiror Chronicles, The: The Initiation of David by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When a boy in the eighteenth century is changed into a different race, he must learn to adapt to his new life or face the consequences of rebellion.  - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: Genesis of the Mutation by George Willson - Series, Adventure - David and Beth must investigate the creation of a Tepish Mutation while dealing with their past feelings for each other. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: The Hunt for the Razers by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When David discovers his home town has been destroyed, he risks everything to find out who did it. - pdf, format



Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x01: Lost and Found by George Willson - Series, Adventure - The pilot episode for the Fempiror teleplay series. David joins Fempiror of a city which stands against a growing Tepish concern, and for his first mission, he leads a group to locate the human sister of a new Fempiorr before she is transmutated. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x02: Loose Ends by George Willson - Series, Adventure - Alex is given one day to say goodbye to his former life. Childress takes David for a driving lesson to investigate a daytime UIF sighting.  - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x03: The Meeting by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When the Tepish hold their meeting to discuss unification of the old order, David and the Fempiror agents moves against the meeting place to try and confound it. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x04: Club Mutation by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When David and Alex are sent to investigate an anomalous blue reading, they discover the dangerous mutation of the Tepish Order.  - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x05: The Science Experiment by George Willson - Series, Adventure - David and Childress stumble upon a new Fempiror who they suspect could only have been changed by a human instead of the Tepish. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x06: The Fountain of Youth by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When a sales pitch is found to be providing participants with Fempiror blood, David and Alex are sent into a meeting to determine the truth. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x07: The Code Victim by George Willson - Series, Adventure -  The Rastem Code comes into play when Kevin Krill is put on trial for his crimes as a Tepish. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x08: Empegen by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When a new street drug is found to have Fempiror connections, David and Alex are dispatched to discover its origins.  51 pages - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x09: Can't Escape the Past by George Willson - Series, Adventure - Alex, obsessed with seeing Isabel again, leaves the city to find her at a school dance. 41 pages - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x10: Playing With Fire by George Willson - Series, Adventure - David and Alex go to a hospital to take care of a youth who was infected by a Mutation he and his friend had captured. 51 pages - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x11: Homecoming by George Willson - Series, Adventure - Alex and Carla discover their hometown and visit in the hopes of discovering their true parents. James frantically searches for Isabel who he believes is in trouble. 49 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  January 11th, 2007, 11:09pm
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Quoted Text
a large

statue to Winthrop Haugins, the town founder, is erected.


LOL!!!  that's the funniest opening description ever!!!
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Hypnos
Posted: November 18th, 2004, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Just read it completely.

I'll write a bigger review later on.

I have just one question. Is this original work or an adaption? Did you create the fempiror lore?

Some comments already though:
- Your format is near perfect, well written.
- The ending is perhaps too sudden. You will want to end on a cliffhanger. Bring david back home, let him talk to the others while seeing the unconcious Beth, and then fade to black. It's more powerfull that way. Now it's like you suddenly cut away.
- Perhaps some more fighting scenes, your script is a tad short, so they could be placed inside. It helps since there is lot's and lot's of dialogue.
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George Willson
Posted: November 18th, 2004, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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What people have said about



Initiation of David


Quoted from Old Time Wesley
It's very addictive, I can't actually believe that this script has gone for this much time and not been read. To me this is Star Wars meets Lord of The Rings meets Empire of The East... Actually I enjoyed it more than I do Star Wars.



Quoted from bert
What a great story.  I can see why you are so proud of this, and it’s a shame this one is getting lost in the sauce around here.  And I am amazed I did not find more inconsistencies in a story of this size.  I imagine a huge, compulsively-maintained flowchart above your desk...



Quoted from dogglebe
You have an interesting story and it appears that you have thought out the mythos completely.  In fact, I'm willing to bet that you came up with so much stuff regarding the Fempirers that you haven'y used it all.



Quoted from Martin
What a fantastic story. It's epic, biblical, a true hero's journey. I was really impressed with the depth and imagination of the world you created.



Quoted from FilmMaker06
I can tell why you call this your "crown jewel" in your sig. I can't wait to read the rest.



Quoted from tomson
Really, really excellent job George! I mean it! Excellent plotting! I honestly can't find anything to pick on.



Quoted from Nixon
Brilliant. I now understand why you are the series king around here.



Quoted from Jaykur22
...great story.  Your ideas are solid and an interesting twist on an old idea.  The action moves along swiftly.  Your hero and mentor are strong characters.


Genesis of the Mutation


Quoted from bert
I have read through the second part of your little epic, and enjoyed it much more than the first...Your plotting is so meticulous that many of the comments I made as I was reading had to be scratched out later on in the story.  



Quoted from Old Time Wesley
I could not say much more about the story that wouldn't seem like me giving you too much praise, the story is great, no doubt...I have enjoyed these two screenplays much more than almost everything else I've read.


The Hunt For The Razers


Quoted from bert
It’s the best of the three, with a higher action/page ratio...Really good job, man.  Some of the best stuff on here.


1x01: Lost and Found


Quoted from bert
So, this is good, too, of course.  They all are.  I get so tired of gushing. ... I keep wondering if that well is ever going to run dry.



Quoted from Chilli
This is a brilliant story that is pacily told, setting up both a universe and a series rich in intrigue. It is first class to read, and one of the best scripts (virtual or otherwise) I've ever read.



Quoted from Jonathan Terry
Wow!!!  That is simply all I can say.  I've only read the first episode but I am already dragged in by the story and characters...Probably the best I've read on this site.


1x03: The Meeting


Quoted from Chilli
God I love this series.


1x04: Club Mutation


Quoted from bert
Good enough that it practically stands on its own.  If you haven't read any of these, put down "Jason vs. Terminator pt. XVII" and read this one -- then see if you don't want to check out what has gone before.


1x06: The Fountain of Youth


Quoted from Jonathan Terry
Another AMAZING episode, George.  Every one just gets better and better.


General


Quoted from FilmMaker06
George has the right to brag all he wants for creating such a masterpiece.



Quoted from Chilli
Come on y'all -- this is a class show.



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George Willson  -  December 14th, 2009, 9:38am
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George Willson
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Thank you for your initial comments.
This is an an original work, not an adaptation. I created all of the Fempiror lore of my own little noggin including the custom "Felletterusk" language.
The final scene does have an ending presented in Flashback in Part 2 that wraps up all the potential loose ends. I hesitate to cover it here due to the potential spoilers. I could certainly bring into consideration tacking that ending onto the existing one, since it wouldn't hurt anything and might assist what you suggest.
The pagination actually comes out at over 140 pages in Word at 12 pt. courier. HTML doesn't really help that angle, nor does it help the format. I have a pdf version that may iron out those bits.

--------------

Well, it's been awhile since the last comment. I offer this comment someone gave to me. The suggestions along with the praise.

"Reads well so far in, building up a good spooky vibe with the secret lovers stumbling upon something big..

The dialogue from some of the characters feels a little too modern for 1775, though, but it's not very noticeable for the most part!

You could probably trim the script down a little, take out a few bits of dialogue here and there, maybe lose a scene or two completely - this is a good story but the pacing could be tightened up to make it even better to read ^_^

I like the noble aspect of Fempiror mythology, though, how it's seen more as a calling than a curse. That's a good way of putting a new spin on the traditional vampire story.

You could also try addinga bit of description about what some of the characters look and act like when they show up the first time - Beth, for example, is a big supporting character but doesn't get any kind of description. Little touches like that help add to the overall vision of the story.

It works out to a good conclusion, however, with some good action sequences as the team fight the Tepish inside the Dark West caverns, an dthen the nice twist of David and Beth's final meeting and the 'help' Vladimir gives Abraham..

Good start. Just needs a little bit of fine tuning to really make it sparkle like it oughta ^_^ "



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George Willson
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Here's a more complete synopsis in case you're not sure about reading it No real Spoilers here, but there is a lot of the story):

When David stays out too late one evening in 1775, he is attacked by a Fempiror of the Tepish Order who changes him into a Fempiror as well. This Tepish was waylaid by an outcast of the Order of Rastem called Zechariah, who takes David in to care for him. Zechariah intends to take David to the Fempiror capital city to report a rising of the old Order of Tepish, who presents a real threat to humanity. The Order of Rastem, by contrast, has sworn to defend humanity against the Tepish.

Once he reaches the city to speak to the Fempiror Council, they refute his Tepish claims, and wish to arrest him for making a disturbance. He takes David and escapes to a nearby town where he and Tiberius, who is also of the Order of Rastem, decide to investigate the coming of a strangely clad warrior from a place called the Urufdiam Plateau. They think he might be of the Order of Elewo, who have not been seen in centuries.

Upon reaching Urufdiam, David is kidnapped by local Tepish and held with the intention of overrunning the other Rastem when they come to rescue him. The Elewo intervene during the rescue and hideout within Urufdiam where the Tepish cannot find them. The Rastem convince the Elewo leader to rise against the Tepish, and when they all do, they defeat the encroachers.

However, during the battle, David sneaks away and heads back home to his girl, Beth. When Zechariah learns of this, he quickly follows. He catches David and Beth together, and scolds David severely, since he inadvertently changed Beth into a Fempiror. Zechariah sends David away as a traitor reveals himself and battles Zechariah to the death.



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George Willson  -  December 7th, 2006, 9:27am
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bert
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Will pull this up to read it soon, but I have a problem right off the bat.  These posts can sometimes come off sounding snotty -- I assure you that is not my intent.

I hate starting off with a "big knife", but it bugs me that I can not figure out how to pronounce the title.  Is it "fem-PEE-ror", or "fem-PIE-ror", or something else?  And which syllable is stressed?

Creating a new mythos from scratch is daunting enough -- the pronounciation should be intuitive to a first-time reader.


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One more thing.  Are you aware that the link for Part II does not pull up the story?  It kicks you right back to Unproduced page.  At least, it does for me.


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George Willson
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To answer both questions, Fempiror is pronounced Fem-PEER-or. If you want to nail the pronunciation on the language throughout the script, you can go over the Felletterusk Dictionary, which I wrote for the Fempiror project as a whole and always keep on hand while writing the language to make sure I maintain continuity throughout the language. There's actually a full series bible too, but I keep that to myself...too many spoilers.

I suppose instead of a note following the title page about the language, I could put a more complete overview, but still stay under a page. Just cover basic pronunciation since the language is subtitled throughout. Good suggestion. Never thought of that.

As for the link, the one in the message links correctly to my web site where you can link to the pdf file that is the script. Don said he preferred to link it that way since it saves him space on his own server. I checked the unproduced board and found it does go right back to the Simply Scripts home page. I'll address it.

If you want to go directly to Part 2 and bypass my website, the script is here.



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Old Time Wesley
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Spoilers Ahead, nothing too big but spoilers nonetheless so don't read on if you don't want any spoilers.















So just a quick note for you George, I wrote this review while I read it so if a point comes up again you know why. This way it helps me help you by finding small spelling errors that spell-check cannot find. I hope you're not offended by what I say and good luck with this.

The opening fight sequence if you call it that between Rufus and Ben is boring, to open a script you should do something entertaining especially if that's what you want. Add some actual fighting or make Rufus less inhuman. Abraham, when you describe him as strong you should cut that from his description because you can't see strong unless you mean muscular in which case you could say that. If you want strong, show him lifting heavy things to show he's strong.

Your Mrs. Taylor description is the same as I said before because you don't describe her, you tell us about her which if you can't show is not needed. I'm not saying it's bad but it's not right for screenplays.

Beth says "Good, because I think feel like we need to talk" Is that right or is there one to many words there. Just thought I'd bring that up because the scripts really good so far and well there isn't much else to say.  
To say this early on. (This scene above is when they first go inside the mill so you know.)

Zechariah who shows up after David kicks off Rufus that scene here on page 24 is to long, 4 lines of action than you must break or it's too long. You should cut that in half, you have about 8 lines straight and to tell you the truth now I understand why that rule is in place for screenplays because when more than 4 lines and bunched together the scene becomes boring and hard to read.

I'm enjoying the unfolding story though I feel that it is like Lord of The Rings in the general story, he has to go to a council. But not a lot, just a tiny bit. Than there is your language I get it's a big part of the Chronicles but you should really write that the second line in English is a subtitle because the way it is kind of looks a bit odd. Interesting language though, reads smoothly because it looks like gibberish to the eye..

Again when the 4 Fempirors fight the one guy on the cart the scenes surpass 4 lines of action.

Right now I'm 70 pages in, the script is really good but I do not feel the story progresses like it should. I know it's a 3 parter but you still have to have a middle and it feels like this whole script is the first act which in the grand scheme may work for you but not for the screenplays sake.

Shouldn't the council meeting be in Fellettrusk?

On page 73 when Jatarua says "And what, pray tell, was that?" I think you should take out the pray tell and just have him saying “And what, was that?” Because the pray tell sounds stupid in any script

Zechariah and David are the same size aren't they? You make it sound like Zechariah is huge but I don't remember you even saying that he's a huge man... You may have so I may be wrong about that. I also noticed a couple spelling mistakes that spell-check wont find you'll have to read it. On page 77 - 78 there is a scene in the woods where there flying on the levi-carts it says while avoiding HE onslaught instead of the just The so I can save you the look.

On page 91 or 92 -  Zechariah looks over the David and smiles.

When you introduce Ulrich you kind of give his back story in his description which is wrong, can't show it don't write it. If you really want it make somebody like Paul say that about him not you telling us the story in there descriptions.

Yori is a girl? I don't think you said that in her description, I would have had no clue but when the fight to save David ensues you use she. She is a man if I'm going by dialogue, no striking characteristics in her dialogue that say Yori is a girl.

On page 104 where they come to a long hallway you write "which no apparent door or openings anywhere" It should be with, I believe unless you meant something else.

On page 116 at the beginning of Ulrich's speech he says "It is time to evict them and take back what it is ours." That makes no sense when reading it, it should not be in there.

And I'm done, it was very good and easy to read the whole way through, so don't get me wrong any time and think that I hated it. This is probably one of the better screenplays on simplyscripts, good job.

The story progressed nicely, it ended nicely but I think you set Abraham as a villain earlier than the cave which kind of hurts him a little. I still think like I said earlier that this script is a first act of the 3 part script which isn't a good thing but I got over it because of the good and entertaining story.

(PS... I will read part two in a couple weeks because I've come down with the flu or something like it and I'm having trouble sitting here.)


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Old Time Wesley  -  May 13th, 2005, 3:07pm
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George Willson
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Thank you very, very much for your review. I take all comments seriously and in stride. You gave me some things to think about and take care of. I will focus on what you've pointed out to see if there is a way to do it better.

As for Yori, her description is on page 89 and reads: YORI appears to be around 27. Her blonde hair is tied up in a tight bun and her hazel eyes are bright with life and enthusiasm. Her garb resembles the Rastem tradition, but seems to have been
modified to her feminine lines. She always seems to walk with a smile.

The council meeting in Felletterusk? That would be extremely fun to do. My fear with doing so is that a subtitled scene would go on for several pages, and David would understand none of it. My thought in writing it like I did is that the meeting proceeds in a traditional way, and then proceeds in the common tongue of the region, since Felletterusk is a dead language.

Alternatively, if it would make more sense, the introduction could be done in Felletterusk, and then Zechariah speaks in English, is reprimanded for doing so since Felletterusk is the official language of the council meetings, and he explains why (David to understand) and they proceed in English with that in mind.

Thanks for the points on misspelling, and dialogue. I'll fix them. I'll also break up the action paragraphs that I missed. I'm usually a real stickler on those things.

Again, thanks for reading and commenting. I prefer the brutal comments to come out when rewriting is easy, than after you try pitching it and they reject because of these same things. I look forward to what you have to say on Part 2 when you get to it.

Oh, yes, and this is more than 3 parts. Part 1 is the first act that explains pretty much everything, but there are 4 screenplays, a 4 or 5 season series, and then a concluding screenplay. It's a big idea, but due to the time frame between parts, mythology allows for a lot of freedom to expand this little universe pretty widely.


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George Willson
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I looked over the comments in conjunction with the script and have completed and uploaded a minor rewrite based on Wesley's comments. Some things, such as how the events flow in the story, would be difficult to alter much due to the larger picture.

VERY MINOR SPOILER

As for the construction, it is put together in a very loose three act format, if you consider that David is the main character and his goal is to go home. Act One ends at page 25 with his change. David is literally dragged through Act Two, but he is able to take control and make a decision when he leaves to return home, instituting Act Three at page 118. The climax is his consummation with Beth and subsequent confrontation with Abraham to try and justify his actions.

The rewrite to fix some of my long paragraphs by dividing them up added another page taking me to 143 pages total. I am pondering how to spice up the first scene still.


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Old Time Wesley
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The best things you have going for you is that it's good and reads easily, it usually takes me a week to get through screenplays of this size because they get boring but after setting page limits so I could come back I kept missing them and reading on.

It's very addictive, I can't actually believe that this script has gone for this much time and not been read. To me this is Star Wars meets Lord of The Rings meets Empire of The East... Actually I enjoyed it more than I do Star Wars.




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I didn’t want Wes’ post to influence my thoughts on this, so I have not read it yet.  Pardon any repeats.

What a great story.  I can see why you are so proud of this, and it’s a shame this one is getting lost in the sauce around here.  And I am amazed I did not find more inconsistencies in a story of this size.  I imagine a huge, compulsively-maintained flowchart above your desk, where any changes in storyline would cause the whole structure to collapse around you, so I tried to keep that in mind.  Comments and spoilers follow:


Let’s get the biggest problem out of the way right up front.  You have delivered a great story, but it only rewards a patient, thoughtful read, as one might give to literature.  Screenplays need to buzz, with pages that flip quickly.  Do not get me wrong here.  I have exactly the same problem.  We both need to tighten up.  People have short attention spans, and that may be why the 80 page slasher stories get the most frequent reads.  Just something to think about.

The rest of the stuff:  
Early in the story:  I think David should express his “something bigger” desires to Beth, not Abraham.  It gives you a chance to deepen the connection between these two lovers, which has kind of a minimalist background right now.  You can still establish Abraham in the discussion about Ben.
[3] So, what are those mysterious “CRACKS”, exactly?  I mean, Rufus isn’t stomping around, is he?  If you set it up, you need to pay it off.
The nilrof is great.  I would love to see what some clever FX guys do with that.
[16] Beth says “…I think feel like…”
[18], then [24].  “The lamp is not lit by fire.”  What, then?  Plasma?  Does it have a weird color, or change colors?  It could be a nice detail, but you need to make it your own.  Maybe have different characters have different colors, like red for Rufus, but soft blue for Zech.
[54] Skip the discussion about “the cure”, unless this is going to come back in a big way later on.  I mean, he forgot what it was???  C’mon…  
[67] Zech says “But is you don’t…”
[70] Tiberius talks about “...removing all the water from the blood…”  This tossed-off detail is not critical to the story, so it really should go.  It is SO impossible that it weakens the credibility of the remainder of the Fempiror lore.
[77] One “lops” off heads – not “lobs”
Late in the story:  You have a very long passage (like, 3 pages) where they are making their way through the caverns to meet Ulrich.  When they finally arrive, all he says is, “We’ll talk later.”  Huh?  Something significant needs to happen during this meeting to justify the buildup.
About the dialogue:  Some of the dialogue is too anachronistic, but frankly, I am surprised there is not more.  You did a pretty good job, for the most part.  Some of the worst offenders are [68] Vlad, “I have to level with you” and multiple uses of “OK” scattered throughout.  I suggest you give a read-through looking specifically for these kinds of things -- reading only the dialogue -- concentrating entirely on their words without being distracted by the story surrounding them.    

Really great stuff, George.  I am looking forward to revisiting these characters as the story progresses during the second part.


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George Willson
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I know dialogue is my weakest skill, so I'll definitely look over that.

CRACK! Some onamatopoeia (sp?) to indicate a twig snapping. I'll reword it.

The lamp light is similar to the lighting in Zechariah's house and in Erim. I described it as lit without fire, but thanks for noting that I need to do a little better job of explaining it in the script. I get too close sometimes and forget to explain these things well enough.

Some of the things you point are in the Fempiror lore, and some of them emerge later (such as the whole cure business). A cure would be a logical question for someone just changed, and Zechariah relates his understanding of that story. It needs to remain for future purposes, but rather than forgot, I'll change it to the truer version of "unable to recreate it" which is a lot closer to the truth. Voivode didn't forget insomuch as he just wasn't able to make it work again. There's a reason, but the day that is revealed is some time off.

The removing water from blood thing is actually "borrowed" from a movie called The Andromeda Strain, and it works well enough for the lore. I agree it doesn't come up in this story, however, except in explaining why people believe "vampires" suck blood. This not being a major point (right now), I can take it out.

As for Ulrich's "talk to you later," there's a reason why he does that, but perhaps the Rastem could protest a little more. Perhaps Nikolai could protest causing a little ruckus.

Short attention span? Can't help you there.

Flowchart? This one was laid out in my head, but for anything I write of the Fempiror nowadays, I use a 65-page Series Bible that grows as I move through the stories.



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George Willson  -  May 14th, 2005, 7:28pm
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I think it was Bert that I stole the page numbering on the mistake things so the writer can find them haha.

I think this screenplay flows by too fast actually, it could be longer and I would have thought it much better. If shortened we may get screwed out of the good, maybe some dialogue cuts here and there that tell the same story over and over but really other than that to cut any specific scenes could hurt it.


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I never called you on the quality of your dialogue, George.  I just noted a few times that you slip into language that is a little too "modern".  I think it's good, and if you ask me, dialogue is at least 5 times harder than the descriptive stuff.  Maybe more.

And please do not think I was bored.  I was talking about somebody else's attention span, not mine.


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George Willson
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Oh, I understood what you meant on the attention span thing. No worries.

And thank you for the compliment on the dialogue. I never considered that you called me on the quality of the dialogue. I simply understood that it is not quite perfect yet, and I need to have a look over to get it closer to that mark.  


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I have read through the second part of your little epic, and enjoyed it much more than the first, though honestly, I can not tell you why...just did.  This isn't a knock on part one.  I'm just saying.

Your plotting is so meticulous that many of the comments I made as I was reading had to be scratched out later on in the story.  But some survived, of course.  They always do.  We could probably sit around and punch holes in Citizen Kane if we wanted to...


Spoilers ahoy!


Dialogue:  Again, watch the modern stuff.  Lots of "OK" scattered about, and a particularly glaring one on [81] "You do your thing..."
Early on:  You frequently point out in the TEXT how everyone has aged very little in the past decade, but I find it odd that none of the characters comment on it themselves.  I am referring, of course, to David and Beth.  They should definately discuss how little they have changed from the people they once knew -- this is for the viewer's benefit, as well.
[32] Dialogue for "The Voice" is all screwed up on one of these.
[46] David greeting his brother is a little too "cute", but more importantly, I felt this was completely out of character for him.  He would not do that.
[74] Three "good evening" in a row, back to back?  Mix it up a little.
[76] I can not believe these warriors would not struggle, whatever the odds.  They can still end up bound to the stakes, as they must, but they would fight.
[87] Given their highly advanced science, Abraham the alchemist would likely know that these effects arise from a buildup of methane gas.
[111] Vladimir gets to walk "for old times sake"?  Yuck.  I don't buy it.  It's OK for David and Abraham to split like this, but not for this traitor.  He should escape; otherwise, it just rings of a convenient set-up for later.
The very, very last scene:  Now, I was not just skimming this story -- I was involved.  But when Karian awakes, I was like, "Now who is this guy again?"  I had to go back and find him.  My point is that this character, whom I suspect will be pivitol later on, failed to make a lasting impression.  Maybe a better description would fix that?

By the way, has Karian been "changed"?  I certainly hope so, and if he has, I would like to see him grinning with large fangs there at the end.


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Spoliers here too.

Thank you so very much for the comments. I have been dying for someone to read this one and tell me something about it.

I will go over the dialogue in this one as well and check those modernisms.

As for David's brother, do you feel like the build into it was too cute, or that he said anything at all was too cute?

Abraham might know the reason is due to a buildup of methane gas, but the real question is, in 1785, has methane gas been labeled and analyzed? Many things that occur in these stories are ahead of their time, but since human science has not discovered it, the Fempiror do not have labels for it. Abraham has the concept of why, but cannot explain it due to lack of language to do so. I could make something up, I suppose.

Vladimir walking...oh yeah, that part sucks. I think I ran out of ideas. I'll fix it to something more exciting.

As for Karian...he is a minor character in part 1, factors back into part 2 as a minor character, but in the same role, and when he opens up at the end, yes, he is changed. I'll have a look over and see if he can be improved anywhere in the first two parts.

Thanks again so very much. You've given me something to go on.


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Real quick:

David's brother:  Both.  The "wait for it" was a little too "cute", and the fact that he would likely traumatize his brother and family -- well, he just wouldn't.

Methane gas:  These guys are doing genetic engineering!  Abraham should understand exactly why this would go boom.  [And another thing that occurs to me just now...are you sure they would use the word "toilets"?]  The periodic table was devised in 1869 (please do not ask how I know this...), so you are well within the realm of likelihood.

Karian:  Good.  Give him fangs!


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George Willson
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Ok, so the wait for it needs to go. Granted, I figured I'd get hit on that. Remember my meticulous plotting? That scene has to stay...at least the gist of it. However, I believe I can set it up a little better, so it feels little less cruel even though the results will stay cruel. Is Mark traumatised? Yes, to an extent. Are there consequences? Yes, there are. Is this in Part 2? No, it isn't. Is this a spoiler...? I dunno. I'll try to make it work better, but it can't go away. Any ideas are welcomed.

I'll make Abraham less dumb to the process whether he uses the actual scientific terminology or not. Methane was coined in in 1868 as a combination of meth(yl) and chemical suffix ane. Methyl (the word) was introduced by a Swedish chemist in 1844 but dates back to 1835. Abraham will sound smart without saying the specific words.

Looked up toilet, and turns out the only word in use in 1785 that means "toilet" is privy. Toilet didn't mean what it does now until 1895. http://www.etymonline.com is cool...



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George Willson  -  May 17th, 2005, 8:11pm
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Wasn't the first toilet called a "crapper"?

Don't suppose you would be too interested in that, tho...


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George Willson
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To venture only slightly off topic...

Crapper probably originated as a term for the toilet after Thomas Crapper who invented the ball and suction device used in modern toilets in 1882. The word crap meaning to defecate originated as a verb in 1846 and a noun in 1898, but its original meaning (applied to things that are cast off or discarded) stretches back to 1425 when it referred to weeds growing among corn.

Man, that site is cool!


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Whether you've read it or not, I have made some updates to Fempiror Parts 1 & 2. The file names are exactly the same. I fixed some dialogue things such as removing every Ok, which didn't come about until 1839, I'm sorry, which was not around until 1914, and you're welcome, which was not a gainsay response to Thank you until 1907. I also fixed the toilet and bathroom references in Part 2 to chamber pot and water closet, respectively, since those terms are old enough to work. Did a little bit of word research to try and unmodernize the speech a bit.

In part 1, I extended the scene in Urufdiam where the team meets Ulrich. In part 2, I changed the David meets his brother scene to something more believable as well as getting the Tepish out of the end without being just plain stupid.


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Did you model Zechariah after Sean Connery?  I'm getting a strong vibe about this.  Maybe I'm just craving a wee heavy....


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George Willson
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Actually, I don't recall whether I modeled Zechariah after anyone. When picturing a description, I was thinking of a combination of Gandalf, Obi-Wan Kenobi and a hint of Blade, but as for his character, there wasn't really anyone.

Connery could be cast as Zechariah, however, and being the Bond fan I am, I'd have no complaints.  



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George Willson  -  June 9th, 2005, 3:12pm
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Having read thte first episode, I can say that you have an interesting story and it appears that you have thought out the mythos completely.  In fact, I'm willing to bet that you came up with so much stuff regarding the Fempirers that you haven'y used it all (which is never a bad thting).

Your biggest problem lies in your dialogue.  The humans all talk with modern day colloquialisms and the Fempirors all talk like they just walked out of an old Bible movie.  Rent 'The Ten Commandments' or 'The King of Kings' to see what I'm talking about.  They are all extremely long winded and use that type of forced dialogue to make them seem so wise.  The problem with this is that when everyone talks this wisely, they tend to  all sound like idiots.

Shorten the dialogue!

A couple of minor problems, if I may:


SPOILER SPACE....

No one would care about the disappearance of the town drunk after only one day.  It's more believeable that he's sleeping it off somewhere than to believe that a monster got him.  And if people are so superstitious in this town, then David's father would not let him go out after dark, especially if there was a ban on it.  Two hundred years ago, people followed such laws.

On page fifteen, you describe David and Beth as being in the perfect hiding spot (the grove).  If this is the case, why leave it and go to the mill?  And how did they get out of the cavern that they had to jump down to get into.

On page twenty-one, you have Beth's parents horrified that Beth and David were out at night alone because it was dangerous.  It's also improper.  Extremely improper!  Beth's father should've beaten the snot out of him for that alone.  You must remember what period this is.

The same applies on page forty-four at the funeral.  Abraham puts his hand around Beth to comfort her.  Such casual contact was not allowed.  Her father should've beaten the snot out of Abraham.  And then he should've taken a belt to Beth for being such a slut.

A lot of your dialogue was too on the nose.  This is especially true whenever David asked Zechariah a question.  Zech replied with encyclopedia-quality answers each and every time.  Page 53 is a great example of this.  Maybe once, you could've had him reply with, 'You'll find out soon enough.'

When Z&D arrive in Erim (page 47), the sign for the council body hall is in English.  Is this right?

The conversation between David and Abraham on page 122 needs a lot of work.  Abraham just accepts everything he's told from a friend he buried.  And then Beth does a few pages later?

Page 129.  Beth and David do the nasty.  Given the time period, they didn't know how.

Page 133.  It doesn't take any time at all to get all the villagers going with the pitchforks and torches, does it?

Beth becomes a Fempirer on page 138.  This makes sense.

Abraham's monologue on page 142 was over the top.

The ending/cliffhanger was good.  I wasn't completely surprised by it, but I like it.

I think that once you fix your dialogue problems (which would probably cut thtirty pages off the script), you'll have a really solid script.


Phil
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George Willson
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Thans a lot for the feedback. I'll definitely take it all into account. Thanks especially for pointing out specific dialogue issues, since I know it is a weak point of mine. As for the modern phrases, I have made several passes taking those out. Some of them will undoubtedly remain and if produced, they'll all get caught and axed, I'm sure.

While I'm not entirely certain that at the point in the script where David and Beth find themselves in the cave, it does become clear later that the cave does have an entrance since it is used several times.

As for the mythos, there's a ton of stuff, and I doubt it will all be used for more than just knowing where we came from. My current "Bible" for the series is at 65 pages.

And I've considered cutting David's father's involvement for some time in breaking the ban. Sounds like it might be prudent.

And finally, I'll work on making their relationship more realistic and yet get everything to work the way it needs to.

Thanks again very much.

Only question I have is how Abraham's dialogue is over the top. Over the top how?



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George Willson  -  June 10th, 2005, 1:35am
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On page 142, you have him saying (after David and Beth leave):

"Damn you!  I will follow you to the ends of the earth until the end of time!  You will never be able to escape me!"

THAT is over the top.


Phil
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Perhaps he can tone it down a little. After all, he does get transmutated without a lot of choice in about 15 seconds anyway giving him the reason he needs to do what he just said.

I was also thinking about the grove "what's the point" comment as well. I believe the grove is a carryover from an early draft. This first part is probably the weakest because it went through A LOT of drafts. Some things worked, some thigs didn't and I kept chipping away at early, mostly incomplete drafts until it finally worked to the finish. The grove used to play a larger role, but has now kind of relegated to being nothing more than a meeting place. I feel like they would still meet there, so as to not go to the mill by themselves (mostly for Beth's benefit) but I can certainly redo the dialogue surrounding it, so it loses quite a bit of its implied importance.

And you're right, the sign for the Council Body Hall should probably not be in English. It would likely be in Felletterusk. I missed that.


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George Willson
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Just an update. Since Phil's review, I have cut out about 4 or 5 pages (I can't remember whether it was 143 or 144 originally), but it is now down to 139. I shortened a lot of the dialogue, cut out some of the encyclopedia-like dialogue of Zechariah especially and some of the others, cut out some of the repeat info, and made sure all the remaining Fempiror mythology info matches up to the actual mythology since this part was written with all that stuff still in my head.

I think a lot of it was more for my benefit than for the reader. Now that I've written it down elsewhere, I sure don't need it here. Anyway, the same old link still works, so enjoy.


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Major Spoilers contained within, if you haven't read this do not read on...






I'm serious, if you read on the mutations will come after you, in a dream. Ask George, that wouldn't be good.








So, I hope this helps you out and if not I hope it eases your mind to know you have some fans because it is a great fantasy adventure that I'd love to see on a special extended DVD one day ha-ha seriously though keep up the good work.

On page 2, I'm wondering what an enormous, seven-stored fortress is? Is that a mistake or a way of pronouncing it I've never heard?

A few times I notice you tell us things but I'll let them slide since you probably know all about them.

I see in your dialogue that you're a smart man, Pallid for instance, I had to look it up ha-ha I honestly have never heard it before.

In the flashback on page 10 - 11 Zechariah tells Tiberius and Ulrich that David accidentally turned the girl, I mean the way you set his anger because of his stupidity in the first it seems unlike him to say this. He shouldn't be so forgiving, at least not as much as he is. That's what I think, tell me what you think?

Zechariah deserves a heroes dramatic death, like Lord of the Rings, I found myself tearing up during Boromir's death, you should add some more chatter before he dies to make it a sad moment. I think anyway.

On page 13 - 14 Tiberius says they have become like gypsies. - The thing about that line is it just seems to not work in this script for me, I think you can cut that line and just say they move around constantly because it sounds better. I don't know, you're the genius; I'm just giving an opinion ha-ha.

On page 19 - 20 Tiberius says David, head back to the hideout. I need to speak with Ulrich to determine where we will meet tomorrow evening. - I find that a little to on the nose as dialogue goes.

On page 22 - 23 David looks over to herm, and tears are filling her eyes. - I guess you'll see what's wrong here.

On page 63 - 64 They looks ready for anything. - Small mistake but still could help make it perfect.

On page 68 - 69 Tiberius says I'm sure they aren't doing anything. My fear is "What are they doing?" - Nothing is wrong but I'm just confused by it, it doesn't read right. Maybe it's me tell me what you think.

On page 81 - 82 David says Agreed - I say cut that line out altogether, it just doesn't work. Just a suggestion though.

Wow, I was not expecting what happened during that fight on pages 80 - 85. That's really good writing to get that kind of reaction especially from somebody like me.

On page 94 - 95 They start run through the halls following Yuri. - Self explanatory, I think.

On page 107 - 108 They Rastem and Elewo are somewhat surprised - Self explanatory again.

Vladimir is a formidable villain, I wish Abraham to be the real villain for this part but Vladimir is still a great one. Abraham not being able to fight David makes him a back burner villain.

I also thought that killing Beth was premature, I had hoped somehow in the end her and David could have a life together but I guess for the bigger scheme of things everything happens for a reason.

I really enjoyed this story, starts off slows and builds to a point where if you don't have a great 3rd it may hurt the series, it's added pressure but I feel you can handle it.

Great ending, Karian becoming one of them. I can see the future and the future could possibly be Karian going back to the Tepish cowards as Ulrich said and begin his reign of terror ha-ha I don't know, a prediction from me.

I am sorry I could not say much more about the story that wouldn't seem like me giving you too much praise, the story is great, no doubt. The dialogue switches sometimes and you have a lot of characters you're asking us to care for that don't get much screen time. Other than what I've said and even with what I've said I have enjoyed these two screenplays much more than almost everything else I've read.

Now I wait for the next chapter.


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Old Time Wesley  -  June 17th, 2005, 3:37am
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Some "tell" things I do just because it "can" be seen, but it is difficult to point it out. The location of the Fortress is more tell than show, but the specification of the location can't be done any other way.

As for Zechariah, I can reword him slightly to show he is still not happy, but on the whole, he also knows that he is dying and has no reason to hold anything over David.

On Tiberius line, it is "I'm sure they aren't doing 'nothing.'" It is the proper use of a double negative. What are they doing? I'm sure it isn't nothing. I can clear it up though.

Thanks for the kind words on the story. The next chapter is done and awaiting Don posting it. I submitted it today. I know some characters don't get a lot of screentime, but at the same time, they do their job and don't waste our time either.

What do you mean by "the dialogue switches sometimes"?


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Like the dialogue goes from perfect for the screenplay to a more modern, it does it little though, I just thought it was worth a mention. It doesn't hurt the script for me anyway, next time you read through keep an eye on certain characters like David, Beth and Abraham, possibly the woman that gives them the keys to the room.

The dialogue isn't bad just something for you to read and think, is this the feel I was going for in the time... If it was then I take back my statement and say good job ha-ha.


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I missed this one. I want to give it a read on my next day off work, which will be next week sometime.
Cindy


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George Willson
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All right, ladies and gentlemen. The thread has been updated and Part 3: the Hunt for the Razers is now available for your reading pleasure. Let me know how much I need to fix to make it good.


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I like to read these slowly.  I'll let you know what I think in a week or so.


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Cool. I eagerly await your commentary.


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I finished this quicker than I thought I would. You should be pleased to know that I found myself constantly returning to it, and I had sh*t I needed to do today, too. I think it’s the best of the three, with a higher action/page ratio, which is what I prefer. I don’t know if you are getting better at this or if I am just more comfortable with your style after a few 100 pages.  Probably a little of both.

Comments and spoilers ensue. This is a good series, folks.  Don’t read the spoilers.  Really.



I don’t know how much you remember from our previous posts on Part II, but yes, you did spoil the “Unknown” for me (jerk). Don’t worry, though. You concealed it well. But I saw it coming.

· I am not sure I like the title on this one.  Not that I have anything better.
· Opening scenes:  I seem to recall that the passage of time was handled rather awkwardly in Part II.  It is handled much better here.
· pg 7/typo “with goes down to his knees”
· pg 20/typo “a low rumbles ensues”
· pg 38-45:  This conversation seemed to drag, and the points about Elizabeth seemed superfluous.  And besides, these guys didn’t tell us anything that Wesley doesn’t tell us better a few seconds later.  If you want to shorten, this might be a good spot.
· pg 52:  David says “…dealing with the day/night thing?”  This particular line of dialogue could stand some reworking.
· pg 58/typo “They accompanied by…”
· pg 63:  The scene with Wesley and Peter.  This is nearly a whole page that can go.  It reads fine with this entire scene deleted (try it).  And if you tell me this Peter guy comes back later I’ll have to strangle you.
· pg 68-73:  They spend a lot of time securing a room, hiding the cart, and figuring out who will watch it when. It’s a tedious little segment, and then nothing really happens in this town.  Why not let them find a cave and be done with it in half a page, you know?  Another good spot if you are looking to condense.
· Wesley’s death seemed a little unwarranted, but gee, it was nice.
· Near the climax, and tougher to fix:  I do not believe Vladimir would entrust Abraham with this crucial responsibility. Everything up to this point virtually ensures that he would not, as you have several scenes that very firmly establish his lack of confidence and trust. Perhaps you should tone down some of those earlier scenes. Vladimir does not have to LIKE Abraham, but he should feel confident that Abraham will do what he commands him to do.
· The very end:  The introduction of Viovode is necessary, of course, but handled awkwardly, like you were rushing to get to the end. (You were, weren’t you?)  He needs some PURPOSE for being in the area, not just “showing up”.  Perhaps he is hunting mutations himself?  I don’t know.  You can do better, you know?

Really good job, man.  Some of the best stuff on here.  And even if the cave wolves were never really explained, I dug them just the same.      


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George Willson
Posted: June 28th, 2005, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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My hope is that I'm getting better at this. Sorry about the previous spoilers, but you know how it all went. I picked the title after much thought on what it could possibly be. I ran through several dozen choices before settling on this one. If you do come up with any other ideas, I am game.

Thanks for catching my typos (dammit!).

The deal with the Elizabeth Carpenter story could be cut down or out, I admit. It is something that plays into later parts, but I think I'll very lightly touch it here, and then explain more when it comes up.

No, Peter does not return. This is another scene that I wasn't sure if it would play into anything later or not. Whatever might have had nothing to do with Peter. Its only real purpose is to explain how Wesley left his night watchman position, which isn't that important.

Hiding the cart in town is another place where I thought something might happen, but after they got it all together, I figured it would be better to get on with the actual story because there wasn't much else to tell at this point. It can also be cut back.

Wesley: I was done with him. Vladimir was done with him. We spoke for awhile, and came to a mutual agreement that we'd hack him. The Mutations hadn't eaten anyone yet and they were getting kind of hungry.

The question behind Abraham's loyalty is right alongside the question of the Mutation loyalty. Despite their planning, no one seems to really believe the Mutations will help them if allowed to. Not even Karian seems to believe this. Vladimir does not so much "entrust" Abraham with the task insomuchas he has Abraham handle the Mutation because he finds Abraham expendable. Far from being a large responsibility, it would be the riskiest job in the organization and the one most certain to spell doom. After all, neither Tank Tepish survived. However, I can explain this part better so it works better.

My original idea for David getting to Voivode was just him seeing the castle in the rain and knocking on the door. They would chat for a moment and that's it. I felt the version I wrote was a little better because it has David in a helping position instead of acting vulnerable. I'm not sure how else to intro the old man because he is not hunting Mutations, nor does he have any desire to. He really doesn't even know about them. He was simply out getting his monthly provisions. Nothing super special or heroic; it isn't his place nor desire to be so. He gave up on a cure and is just living at this point. I'll think on it and see if I can improve it. The biggest problem with that intro, although necessary, it is after the entire story is over, so we're all waiting for the credits to roll. So if it felt rushed, it probably was.

It might be just as well to start the rain storm, and have David running through the rain, see a castle in the distance, and run towards it, not introducing anyone, but I thought that might be anti-climactic. I can't intro Voivode in the teaser for 4 or during 4 because I want to get things going right away. Hell get substantial backstory, but I don't need he and David chatting about things they already know about each other.

Thank you for the compliments, and they're wolves that live in caves. It's fantasy, what do you want explained?  



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George Willson  -  June 28th, 2005, 1:22am
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OK.  How about if Voivode is getting attacked by an escaped mutant (before we know who he is) and David saves him?  You get more action that way, their meeting seems more like destiny than chance, and you lend additional resonance to whatever relationship you have planned for these guys later on.  And it can be accomplished quickly.


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This is true. The only hangup is the rain. Mutations are unlikely to take the chance of being outside when rain is threatening. The reason for the overcast sky (at least) is so David can travel without "getting burned." You'll note that as soon as thunder rolled, Karian split and the Mutations followed.

I also don't know that an action sequence would be appropriate in what would be the movie's denouement. I continue to be open to suggestion, and am continually pondering it myself.

Another explanation I am avoiding at the end of this film is why David did not return to Yori. It would take far too much time to cover that ground and would be better placed in the next film as to David's reasoning for not returning to the Rastem.

You can see that this meeting is a sticky little subject that is necessary, but brief. There are a lot of things that can go wrong with it. It's largest problem is that it in a setup for what follows and has little to do with what came before.


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Well, the Fempiror Chronicles is now a series around here, so it got moved here accordingly. On another note, the pilot episode for the Teleplay portion is now up so while I revising The Hunt for the Razers, you can check out the pilot and tear it apart for me.  


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George Willson
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I revised the Hunt for the Razers somewhat. I'm still pondering some sections of it, but I've worked it over a little at least to fix the typos Bert pointed out. See what happens to David in the modern era in Lost and Found!


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stifler048
Posted: July 10th, 2005, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Alright. I only read the first part of the Fempiror Chronicles because it came out before I got here. I thought it was pretty good. Thanks for reccomending me The Screenwriter's Bible. Whenever I get to read the next ones, I'll review that again. I'm gonna start on my new script soon, and it should be in the next batch of unproduced scripts, or the one after that. But whenever, I know two things. One, it will be pretty serious (like The Butterfly Effect a little bit), and second, there will be a HUGE twist. So, whenever I get it here, please review it for me and tell it out is is. I'm afraid you might think it will be too much of the movie Saw. But, still, the only thing I have is the ending, and I estimate it will be about 115 pages. So, whenever I get chance to write (which is probably on Tuesday), I'll inform you guys on my first script. If this script is a bummer, I'm gonna quit writing horror films and go to comedies. So, thanks for recommending me the book, I'll read it tomorrow. And, thanks for giving me the spirit of writing scripts (but not like that... I just thought I had crappy ideas). But I like your script and I think you'll have it probably produced into a series like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. But please, anybody reading this, please read my script.
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George Willson
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Thanks for the compliment. Appreciate your enthusiasm.

Best of luck with your own scripts. Press on to the end and you won't be disappointed. Remember that the first draft is nothing more than a good start.


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These comments are specific to episode 1X01 and contain spoilers:


So, this is good, too, of course.  They all are.  I get so tired of gushing.  This one is kind of long for a series, though, even at an hour, but I assume you are working on a longer pilot episode here. I keep wondering if that well is ever going to run dry.

It was not at all clear to me that this was a present day story. The log line should make mention of this, for sure. Kind of a weird Highlander/Sea-Lab/Get Smart kinda’ thing going on, you know?  I love it.

Got some specifics here:

* typo pg 36 “lets everyone known”
* I would like to see a short, suspenseful scene where William actually gets identified, and he knows it.
* pg 53, the Tepish escape:  I am not at all clear what happened here or how they lost them. It is confusing as written.
* pg 74: Is it really necessary to describe a landline phone? Have we come that far? And why does it need to be landline anyways?
* pg 76: OK, now I understand better what happened on page 53. Now I think you should have David discover this door NOW, for the first time, and just let those other guys be confused as to what happened to the Tepish. I think it plays out better that way.
* typo pg 88 “performs and swift move”
* pg 101-102: Boy, this stretch of dialogue just isn’t working. “Because I told you to”, “Well, Alex”, and stuff like that. They sound like parents or something.  Reread it and I’ll bet you see what I mean. You need to go back and “clever” this up a bit; more confrontation and in-your-face kinda’ stuff.
* Your series needs a theme song, George. I highly recommend “How soon is now?”, by the Smiths. I think you’ll really like it in this context.  It’s a sexy kinda’ song that a stripper might use, but creepy, too. In fact, it could have been a Bond theme.  Really.

I won’t bother complaining about loose ends (so where has David been all these years?); I will just assume that you’re getting around to that stuff eventually.

I really hope this good stuff gets noticed for you, man. Honestly. And when that producer with a shit-load of money calls you up and the demands of keeping up with a successful series become too taxing even for you…well, I’ve got some ideas.

So enjoy your spot at the top of the series list until another “LOL” for A-List knocks you down.


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George Willson
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The run time for this one in TV time would probably be at 2 1/2 hours since you'd have to allow about 7-8 mins of commercials per 1/2 hour of show. The actual episodes are normal 60 minutes episodes having around 45 pages each.

Thanks for the kind words and the comments. I've heard a few times that the dialogue in this is stiff, but no one has ever pointed out where is the biggest problem. I will certainly look into that part on pg 101-2 to check it out.

I'll also see what the deal is with 53/76 to make it work better.

Why describe the phone? I guess I wanted to be clear what variety of landline phone it was for some reason. Lord only knows what I was thinking. I probably had some other idea for it that I let go because it didn't work.

Where has David been all these years? I have two other screenplays between part 3 and this that will explain it. I just had this idea before I wrote them. Oh well. Now you know he continues to live. No real spoiler there.

Theme song, eh? I may find a substitute until I sit down and write something. I've always been adept at music and as such, I would be a sinner if I didn't write my own theme song, but I'll have to listen to your suggestion and see what I think in the interrim.

Not only will that producer need the money, but he's gonna have to have that rare open mind to allow the series (movies and TV) run almost unchanged. I understand rewriting and all that, but major changes are out of the question.

LOL this, A-List!


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Gee. What will happen next.  I hope it's a GIANT TWIST!!!

LOL LOL  


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LOL <--mandatory...

It's a twist that so big and giat, you'll never be able to guess it. It's hugh! Colossal! Studendous! Splendiferous! Over the top and unbelievable and has to do with the guy's father! OMG! OMG! I've said too much and I can't delete it! OMG! You just have to read it to find out whenever I post if Don doesn't discover my fifteen ID's and delete them first!

LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!

Gimme a break...


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And now, the saga continues.

I have posted Episode 1x02: Loose Ends. Since it is a normal episode, it is around 50 pages long. The pacing is a little slower than the pilot, but still should have enough intrigue to keep you going. Still kind of working to introduce the world to those who aren't fully initiated and even throwing out some new stuff.

Feel free to leave a scathing review as long as you pour forth why it's so awful.



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How different is this episode from the "preview" version I read before?  Did you get around to reworking this to any large extent?  


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George Willson
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I extended the "Mindy" section primarily giving it a little more action as well as tweaking some of the dialogue here and there. I decided to setup a technique that will come back in 1x05 on scanning the insides of buildings in the process.

I still give the two couples personal time, but shortened their sections just a little bit so that isn't so long. Hopefully, it is an improvement.



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A few things: first, Episode 1x03: The Meeting is now available to read. Second, the next episode 1x04: Club Mutation will be up on or about October 1st (whenever Don does that week's posts.)

Third, here's a review (given verbatim with no edits) of 1x01: Lost and Found by Ian Austin (aka Chilli) given on another site (THERE ARE SPOILERS WITHIN):

"Right - before I start, I'll just say that I recognise there are film scripts before this, but I haven't read them, so some backstory will elude me. That being said, this certainly seems like an interesting concept, and I'll review this double length Premiere Ep as best I can.

So we begin with jargon, which leads me to believe I was cursed in a former life to read lots of scripts filled with jargon (thankfully there isn't an excess in this script).

Okay - I just want to state that these Thugs, and Erech, do not function as an accurate example of my genre (male) and are pretty horrible to read about, which is the intent but does make me squirm slightly nonetheless.

FACT TIME

David Taylor wrestled for WCW, and teamed with Stephen (now William) Regal and Bobby Eton as The Bluebloods (relatively successful stable) in the mid nineties.

I up the grade from a B to a B+ for having Childress as a character name.

I up the grade from a B+ to an A- for a great opening that is pacy and interesting without actually telling us anything about the characters.

Transmutation? Uh oh, I sense epic backstory worthy of Whedon coming up.

Okay we jump from an A- to an A because this is the most accessible script I've ever read. I feel like I know these characters more than I do, and it is such an easy read. (That's a good thing.)

You slip from an A to an A- because some of the dialogue is stilted and clumsy.

Okay, we got from an A- back to an A because you have William Smith (Will Smith - jiggy) as a character name.

Now that is a harsh and brutally effective way to end Act Two - and harsh and brutally effective make for great drama.

The Agent 47 (Hitman reference) pushes the grade up to an A+

This is brilliantly cinematic.

Okay Erech's sleaziness pushes this down to an A- (he's really sick and twisted, and in a ewww kinda way)--

-- but you jump back up to an A with the way that David Taylor is at equal turns a standard Hero character, but also so well-written that we end up thinking he's a lot more interesting than that basic description could ever hope to achieve --

-- and go up to an A+ for a combination of the final moments and the blissful continuity moment of Carla skipping out prior to the bloodshed.

A+

This is a brilliant story that is pacily told, setting up both a universe and a series rich in intrigue. It is first class to read, and one of the best scripts (virtual or otherwise) I've ever read."



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I now have posted 1x04: Club Mutation. It's a lot more action than the series has seen so far, and was a wild ride to write. I hope you enjoy it.


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Episode 4 is my favorite  

Good enough that it practically stands on its own.  If you haven't read any of these, put down "Jason vs. Terminator pt. XVII" and read this one -- then see if you don't want to check out what has gone before.


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George Willson
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Episode 5 is now up. After this one, I had to take a break from it since my brain was getting stale on it. The rest of the season will come in due time. I am planning on Ep 6 in December if my muse comes back to me before then.

Enjoy! And if you haven't read the earlier episodes, check out what you're missing.


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I had originally planned to make this a weekly series, but a nearly complete lack of reads after the series began has prompted me to take it easier on it. Since there is no apparent desire to read the series right now, churning out an episode a week seems kind of pointless. I'll keep writing it, but not at the feverish pace it started at.

If, perhaps, people do start reading it and want to read more, then I'll pick up the pace a little, but until that happens, I'm turning off the heat.


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Martin
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George, I finally finished reading The Initiation of David. What a fantastic story. It's epic, biblical, a true hero's journey. In fact,I'm certaiin you've studied the hero's journey structure since all the elements are there; the call, the refusal, the mentor, the trials, the shapeshifter, the temptress. You pulled it all together wonderfully.

I was really impressed with the depth and imagination of the world you created.

Early on I realised that any notes I took would be nitpicky but I made some anyway:

Right off the bat. Page 1 "you gonna be alright". Since this is 17th century I'm reading it in an Olde English accent and that line jumps out at me. I'd avoid words like "gonna".

Again on page 20 both David and Beth say "gonna" and it sucks me right out of the period. Perhaps change "now he's gonna find us" to "now he'll surely find us". And then "no-one will find us".

I love Zecharia's description of the Fempiror history with all the battle scenes. The voice over works well.

Typo page 43. "torching the everything"

Page 51: "don't treat me like I was transmutated yesterday" hahahaha

Page 65 - "the new kid"- To me, the word "kid" used in this way sounds a little too modern, maybe that's just me.

I don't know why, but Paul seems like a strange name to be using. All the other names you use are very fitting but this one stands out as ordinary to the point of absurd.

I love the scene in the Dark West Gathering Hall. The action is vividly described.

Page 110. "Beth pushes him aside with anger-pumped strength" Firstly, the term 'anger-pumped' sounds weird to me. Maybe 'anger-fuelled'? Secondly, Abraham is knocked unconscious but you don't describe how. Did he hit his head when he fell?

At this point, Beth has come back into the story after quite a lengthy absence. Personally, I think you need to show more of her story since David "died".

Page 111: David says "Just walking around, I guess" then the conversation ends with "Sure" this stood out as American sounding.

The power chamber scene is awesome.

Page 117: I think the conversation between David and Abraham needs some work, particularly the early exchanges. I can't really put my finger on why.

The last 30 pages or so are excellent. Some great twists and turns that I didn't see coming. You really hooked me with the ending. I simply have to know what happens. A great way to kick off the trilogy.

Overall, a great story. I look forward to reading the rest if I ever find the time. My only criticism would be that it's very long. However, I honestly can't see too many places where you could make major cuts.
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George Willson
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Thanks for the nitpicky comments. I'll go through and investigate the points you've made, and see what can be fixed regarding them. The "gonna" bits I think you're right on. To be honest, with as many times as I've gone through this script, I'm surprised they're still there...and then you somehow found a typo...geez, will that never end?

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it, and I hope you enjoy the continuing story.



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Chilli (Ian Austin) said the following of 1x03: The Meeting:

God I love this series.

This episode pushes us along nicely, showing David as Alex's Mentor, while at the same time letting some of Alex's humanity rub off on David. This relationship is being very acutely written, and the moments of Alex coming to terms with who he is now are really excellent.

Then there's Davids constant bad-assery, the way he dispatches one particular foe bringing a big old goofy grin to my face.

This show isn't packed with real depth yet, but damnit if it isn't a great read.

A-


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This series is becoming quite the sleeper hit. Few read it, but those who do tend to really enjoy it and wonder why no one else has read it yet. I had one guy on another board read the three screenplays, both shorts, and all five episodes in under a week. Ian, there, labeled it on BerzerkerTV as "Best. Series. Eva."

Oh, and there is a closet fan on SimplyScripts who has not only read everything, but enjoys previewing first drafts as well.

I guess I'm doing all right.


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George, let me just say that I some how stubbled upon this thread late last night.  I had heard about your "Fempiror Chronicles" scripts, but I had no clue what they were all about.  After reading the good reviews about your teleplay series, I decided to give it a read and see what the fuss was all about.

Wow!!!  That is simply all I can say.  I've only read the first episode but I am already dragged in by the story and characters.  You definatly have a way of making your characters memorable and it shines through here.

As someone else has already said, your dialouge is amazing.  Probably the best I've read on this site.

Keep up the great work.  Hopefully I'll get to read the other episodes soon.

T.I.N.


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Thanks for the good words. Hope you continue to enjoy the story.


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Just to give this one a bump, Episode 6 has finally been posted after a far too long hiatus. Questions continue to unfold, and I'm told this is a solid installment to the series. Enjoy!


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Wow, George.  I just now realized you added another episode.  Good to see you writing on the series again.

Unfortunatly, I can't read it at the moment but I be sure to get right on it whenever I get some free time.


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Alright, just got done with this one.  Another AMAZING episode, George.  Every one just gets better and better.  And what a great cliff-hanger.  You better not make us wait for the next episode as you did for this one.

Now, I think I may have stumbled upon a plot hole.  Maybe this was addressed and I missed it, but nonetheless I think I should point it out to you.  Alex's parents were Femperior correct?  And Alex and his sister had no knowledge of Femperior until their parents were killed in episode I?   Would they not find it funny when their parents NEVER go outside during the day?  You explained this by having Alex's father work the night shift, but what about other activities?  The question of him going out during the day would have come up at some point.

Anyhoo, great work.  You've got a major fan on your hands here.


Newest Scripts

To Pay The Price  - (Short/Drama)
Unconditional - (Short/Comedy)
All Or Nothing - (Short/Drama) -- Post-Production
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George Willson
Posted: December 23rd, 2005, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, ImagiNation. I'm glad you like it. I promise it won't be two months before another episode emerges. Working on 1x07's plot right now.

One thing to keep in mind is that the only weakness Fempiror have to sunlight is ultra-violet radiation. If they have a way to get around this problem, then sunlight is no problem. This is not in the current draft (I checked), but an early version had an explicit menton of suntan lotion. Some suntan lotions boast that they block UV rays in higher SPFs. If a Fempiror wanted to travel in daylight in modern times without minimal notice, they would use a high SPF suntan lotion on exposed body parts, a hat, and some tight weave clothing. With all exposed skin protected, they could move about cautiously, which is likely how Alex and Carla's parents got around this little hiccup. I can have Alex address it directly at some point though with David, just to make sure I'm covered. I may want to tweak an early episode or something though.

Thanks for noticing. Sometimes we get too close to our babies and miss their little faults.


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Jonathan Terry
Posted: December 24th, 2005, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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I completely understand.  Just looking out for you man.  

Looking forward to Episode 7.


Newest Scripts

To Pay The Price  - (Short/Drama)
Unconditional - (Short/Comedy)
All Or Nothing - (Short/Drama) -- Post-Production
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Chilli
Posted: January 10th, 2006, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Come on y'all -- this is a class show.
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FilmMaker06
Posted: February 18th, 2006, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Just got done with the first feature. I can tell why you call this your "crown jewel" in your sig. I can't wait to read the rest.

=Me

Please don't take this as if I'm sucking up to you or anything.
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George Willson
Posted: February 18th, 2006, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Not at all. Thanks for reading. I put a lot of work into this and I feel it's still one of the best overall things I've written. I appreciate anything you might have to say about it.


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Alan_Holman
Posted: February 20th, 2006, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first twenty pages way back when you sent me that copy that wasn't PDF.  It was good enough to merit calling you a very good series writer.  Now I want to read the rest of it.  Is there anywhere online where I can get this series without it being in PDF format?  This computer is incapable of reading PDFs, and my little sister Olivia is always listening to music on the computer which can read PDFs ...
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George Willson
Posted: February 20th, 2006, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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I can send you the rtf files.


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Alan_Holman
Posted: February 20th, 2006, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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E-mail it to radiomovie2003@yahoo.ca

I'll put it AT THE START of my list of things to read.  

Peace, man.
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tomson
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Really, really excellent job George! I mean it!

I've seen your line-up for a long time, but never really thought of reading this. The reason is I thought it was like hour long series and I didn't think this was the type of story I would enjoy either. I was REALLY pleasantly surprised. I stayed interested the whole time. My mind did not wander ones, which is unusual for me.

Excellent plotting!

I'm impressed that you attempt to come up with your own language.

I honestly can't find anything to pick on. Format, was to me very good, but you know, I'm just me so I could be wrong. I found one typo I think and one word missing, unless I just didn't read that line right.

Your action scenes read fast, which is good. Actually the whole script read fast.

I hope others will read this as well. Really nice job, I hope you get it sold.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS:

When I first read the description of  Hauginstown I had this picture in my head of a small simple town so I got a little confused later when you called it bustling town. I just got two different images there.

You did great on dialogue, but a couple of times when David and Beth are talking I felt it was maybe a tad to contemporary sounding.

I did not see the abduction of David coming at all. Good job!

Ditto that for the Ulrich, Vladimir thing.

When Bet and David "get together" one thought popped into my head, who wants to go to bed with someone who's temperature is cold? Just me imagining things here.

I thought Abraham had the hots for Beth from the beginning and I really liked the idea that he becomes transmutated as well. Guess I have to read on to find out what happens next, and I might, because I really did enjoy it that much.

Really nice job!
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George Willson
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks very much for the read and the compliments. Being the first part, it's had the most reads and the most work and is probably the tightest of the entire series. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Quoted from tomson
When Beth and David "get together" one thought popped into my head, who wants to go to bed with someone who's temperature is cold? Just me imagining things here.


Hm, good point. Never thought of that before, but maybe they were caught up in the moment...  





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Nixon
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Brilliant. I now understand why you are the series king around here.

I've finally finished the first episode. Honestly, after first opening it up and noticing its length, it kind of made me hesitant to read. But my fears were proven wrong, for 137 pages (not counting the first two pages) it was a surprisingly quick read, the sign of a great story.

You're also the format king and your descriptions are spot on, but with all honesty some of the dialogue was lackluster and dull. But maybe that was your intention; this is a period piece after all.

This was a great episode and a near perfect way to start Fempiror. I do have a few things that I can complain about, most deal with lack of detail in some places. One example is the fight between Zechariah and Rufus or the flashback battle between the Corelnesh and the Felletterusk. More detail is needed.

Overall good stuff, I'll read the next episode as soon as time permits, but the next episode of Better Days is next on my list.

One last thing, maybe I missed it but did you mention what country this takes place in? The Carpathian Mountains are mentioned, so my guess is eastern Europe.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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George Willson
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Nixon
You're also the format king and your descriptions are spot on, but with all honesty some of the dialogue was lackluster and dull. But maybe that was your intention; this is a period piece after all.


As one of my eariler scripts, I've been cleaning up the dialogue every time I open it up to work on it. I know I have some scenes that are rough still and as I continue to clean it up, I'll continue to spruce that up too.


Quoted from Nixon
This was a great episode and a near perfect way to start Fempiror. I do have a few things that I can complain about, most deal with lack of detail in some places. One example is the fight between Zechariah and Rufus or the flashback battle between the Corelnesh and the Felletterusk. More detail is needed.


The Zechariah-Rufus battle is actually extended from its earlier version having been informed that "They fight" is a crappy way to do it since for the moment, everyone is reading it. I'll keep in mind that it's still a bit short. As for Felletterusk/Corelnesh, I'll keep that in mind.


Quoted from Nixon
Overall good stuff, I'll read the next episode as soon as time permits, but the next episode of Better Days is next on my list.

One last thing, maybe I missed it but did you mention what country this takes place in? The Carpathian Mountains are mentioned, so my guess is eastern Europe.


I never actually say which country this takes place in. After looking at an old map of Europe for that period, there are tons of little countries all over the place. My best guess on a location would be where Southern Germany is now. I know this means the characters would probably speak German, but hey, I never said they spoke English...people just assume that. I base this on what happens in the third screenplay since there are identifiable locations and time frames given on their travel.

Thanks for the comments. Any read is a good read. Better Days is a very enjoyable series, and I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.


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DOM
Posted: March 11th, 2006, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Great show, but... holy s***! I'm guessing you wanted these about an hour, like most shows like this. I think these are longer than some film scripts on here! Unless this series is a string of films.
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George Willson
Posted: March 11th, 2006, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Dom. The parts that have numbers are episodes and are visibly divided into acts are intended for a television medium. The unnumbered scripts that are longer are intended as full length motion pictures. The TV series starts at 2004 while the others all occur pre-20th century.


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tonkatough
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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This one didn't do it for me. I found it very flat. There was no energy in at all. The story and characters did not engage me. To much talking and to much exposistion and backgorund information. Yes I know the first episode in a series sets up the world and story for all the other episodes.

I expect a lot more from the adventure genre. Thrills, spills, narrow escapes, struggles and conflicts. This story lacked all of that. To much talking and little action. There is one scene where the main characters fight in shop with wooden swords that goes for about roughly 8 pages. That is way to long for one scene and brings the story to a dead halt.

The idea of immortal, sword weilding warrior that burn up in sunlight did not impress.

Vampires have been done to death and don't matter what sort of a twist you put on them a vampire is a vampire.

But judging by the positve responses in the messages above I am alone in my opinion and it seems George has a bit of a fan base and rightfully so.

Armor of Beliial is far more better adventure script and I eagerly await his next work which I think is a sci-fi adventure or so I read somewhere on a post. Correct me if I am wrong.





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George Willson
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
This one didn't do it for me.


And there's nothing wrong with that. To expect to please everyone would be absolute folly on my part.


Quoted from tonkatough
I found it very flat. There was no energy in at all. The story and characters did not engage me. To much talking and to much exposistion and backgorund information. Yes I know the first episode in a series sets up the world and story for all the other episodes.


I recently commented on the Belial thread that Belial is the 39th script I'd written and that experience helped me to write it. Well, this one is only the third feature length script I've written, and probably only the 5th or 6th overall. I've rewritten it to death, but I'm sure it still has its inherent weakness of being extremely talky...it's much better than it used to be, believe it or not. It is primarily to setup the world and get everyone in the game, and while it does that, it does it at the expense of other elements. The other scripts obviously move a lot quicker since we got all this out of the way. Makes me wish I could sell part 2 first.


Quoted from tonkatough
Vampires have been done to death and don't matter what sort of a twist you put on them a vampire is a vampire.


Not sure what to say on this comment, since other readers have commented that while I say they have traits in common with vampires, there aren't very many of them.  In fact, I've departed from the vampire comparison completely as of late because the Fempiror have, in my opinion, a much richer and interesting history as well as a more human quality to them. But I've also run into the person who feels as you do that a vampire is a vampire and no matter what changes are made, the story won't fly.


Quoted from tonkatough
Armor of Belial is far more better adventure script and I eagerly await his next work which I think is a sci-fi adventure or so I read somewhere on a post. Correct me if I am wrong.


I agree that Belial is a better script than this first part of this saga, but I equate that to the sheer volume of writing experience I gained in the year and a half between writing the two of them.

The sci-fi adveture was something I'd mentioned, and while I'm still sketching out where it's going, I have it in my head to write. Thanks for reading.


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George Willson
Posted: April 14th, 2006, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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It is said to not place all your eggs in one basket. However, if you do place your eggs in multiple baskets, it is useful to remember where you put them. I had a revision of Part 1 that I mad ein January, and I just noticed that the version this site was linking to was a pre-December version. I host this script elsewhere, so it was completely my fault, but I just thought I'd mention that in case you thought I was being stubborn and not taking any suggestions at all.

Anyway, the issue was corrected and now the correct part 1 is linked. Silly me.


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DOM
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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George, I saw on your "Everything Else I've Written" page, you wrote a couple shorts, but didn't put them with the other episodes. Are these set at the same time, or did you take them away 'cos they were one-offs?
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George Willson
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DOM
George, I saw on your "Everything Else I've Written" page, you wrote a couple shorts, but didn't put them with the other episodes. Are these set at the same time, or did you take them away 'cos they were one-offs?


The shorts were a suggestion of Bert's to give people an idea of the bigger picture without the overwhelming view of nine scripts to choose from. The two shorts are both on the shorts board and they both take place between the third screenplay (1819) and the pilot of the TV series (2004).

The Mutation Encounter (1889) will eventually be concurrent to the fourth screenplay, and is pretty much a deleted scene from that script worked over to be relatively complete. A Tepish is Born (1902) gives some insight to some of the characters in the series. I've been told that they both feel like pieces of something bigger, which was the intent -- to ease people into the series as a whole so they can decide based on "clips" whether it's worth diving into.


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DOM
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Are the films or episodes set first?
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George Willson
Posted: April 22nd, 2006, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for asking.

The order is as follows:

Screenplays:
Initiation of David - 1775
Genesis of the Mutation - 1785
The Hunt for the Razers - 1819

The shorts as above.

The series begins in 2004.

Hope you enjoy them.


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DOM
Posted: April 22nd, 2006, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Why are you saying "Hope you enjoy them?" I've already read them, and I did! However, didn't you say the shorts were just shorter versions of a couple of the scripts?
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DOM
Posted: April 22nd, 2006, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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So, is "The Code Victim" the season finale? If so, are there any plans for Season 2?
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George Willson
Posted: April 22nd, 2006, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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The shorts are individual stories set in the Fempiror universe. They tell a little about one of the characters in each. Not sure if I'll write more of those or not.

The Code Victim is simply the most recent episode. I have actually planned a 22 episode season and have some ideas for what to do in a Season 2, but I write it when I can as opposed to turning out one a week. It was 4 months between 6 & 7 and I hope for there to be less before 8.

The ultimate plan is to have some seasons leading to a final screenplay where all the loose ends are tied up and the chronicles brought to a close. Of course, this doesn't mean that's the end of the stories...I have over 600 years worth of Fempiror to play with. I think these will be around for awhile. I like writing them.


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DOM
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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Well, it's good you enjoy this, cuz it's turned out great. But some of these are like a billion pages. Are you the only writer?
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FilmMaker06
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, he's the only one (I think.) George has the right to brag all he wants for creating such a masterpiece. Some movies (coughrevengeofthesithcough) are nothing but a special effects movie with crap acting and no story. And then others, like these, were written to tell stories. When a writer creates a spec script with this much depth, you know it was written because the writer is a story teller, not some idiot doing it for the money.

At least, thats what I think.

-Landon
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George Willson
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Rapture. I like Star Wars as a whole since the basic story is quite good. It has its shortcomings as well probably due to Lucas doing everything himself, but that's neither here nor there. I am flattered you find Fempiror to be superior to Revenge of the Sith. Means a lot.

And yes, I am the one and only writer. This has been my little brainchild from conception, and I do like it that way. Once upon a time, I considered having people help with the series, but the sleeper was still sleeping at the time and I had no takers. However, I am happier doing it myself for the time being, so I'm not complaining.

The real hope, though, is to keep the story intact through production...studios love to change stuff, and I confess it is a fear. However, no pain, no gain, and maybe I can keep the rights if I'm lucky.


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DOM
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Rapture
Some movies (coughrevengeofthesithcough) are nothing but a special effects movie with crap acting and no story.

-Landon


You're so right. Revenge Of The Sith sucked, and if that could make it to television, I think this has a much better chance.

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DOM
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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George, your last post gave me the impression that we can expect quite a lot more episodes of "The Fempiror Chronicles". Is that true?
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George Willson
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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To ensure that I don't give a one word answer post, and yet answer the question as directly as possible, I'm writing all this other stuff just to fill up a bunch of space.

And now the answer: Yes.

I have planned several more episodes and three more screenplays off the top of my head in David's story. There are two or three others within the Fempiror universe that I am conceiving of as well. So, lots to play with.


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FilmMaker06
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still working through the episodes, but YAY! More! Woot Woot!
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DOM
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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George, will you be posting all the episodes? How many was it?  24?
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George Willson
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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As I write them, I'll post them. I don't exactly have them stockpiled over here. I completed the first four episodes in a couple of weeks, but beyond those, it goes slower. I'm getting a start on 8 at this time. The total mapped out for season one is 22, which is normal for a virtual series. For some reason, the virtual world chose 22 where most TV series have 26. Don't ask me why.

But just to shout out, episode 1x07 is now posted on here for those waiting for new stuff! Feedback on anything is always welcomed, constructive or otherwise. After all, if I have glaring holes in this, please say so.


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Jaykur22
Posted: May 15th, 2006, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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How does one read the chronicles...  do i start with initiation of david...or ep 1?

thanks

Jaykur22


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
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George Willson
Posted: May 15th, 2006, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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The way they are listed in the first thread is the chronological order of the scripts. The best way is to start at the top with Initiation and get the whole story from beginning to end. Alternatively, you can start at 1x01 and go through 7. You miss the backstory, but I wrote it so it can be started at either point.

Enjoy.


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Herodreamer79
Posted: May 15th, 2006, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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holy cow, youve got a monstrosity on your hands with this series. i got some serious reading to catch up on...

i'd never be able to come up with...let alone write a story of this depth and magnitude.

pretty amazing george....pretty amazing.


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George Willson
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, HD. A few years ago I would have said the same thing, but practice makes perfect...or at least more practice.


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Jaykur22
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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Would you want a detailed review...  or have you finished revising this?


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
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George Willson
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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I'll take whatever you want to give. I figure nothing is ever finished until it is on screen, so if it needs improvement, please feel free. I'll continue revising.


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Jaykur22
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George

Note: I’m at work so the first 20 pages of review are at home I’ll post them later.

First off:  my disclaimer:  I’m new to this world.  I’ve read a few things by this point but I’m still learning so take what is useful and leave the rest.  I only write this to help you improve the story.  I don’t read other people’s review until after so this may be some repeating.

General Stuff:
First off, great story.  Your ideas are solid and an interesting twist on an old idea.  The action moves along swiftly.  Your hero and mentor are strong characters.  Have you considered David’s flaw?  What is he overcoming on a personal level?  Is it just this mutation or the rejection that comes with it, you may want to consider bringing that out a bit more.  

The dialogue is hmmm, hard to listen to.  I find this to be the weakest part of the story.  It is distracting at times.  I’m confused on whether your world here speaks with a certain dialect or if it’s just modern English.  Because you vacillate back and forth.  Have you tried reading it aloud to yourself.  I’ll get more into this later.

Let me get into the nitty gritty:

20- Takes a long time to get back to some interesting action, maybe consider crashing through the floor earlier.

Why do we care that the boy was tailor, and if we do, just to show his ordinary world it doesn’t need to be built up as long as it’s done.  Personally it takes a long time for the adventure to begin, I’d like to see it happen sooner.

Example of the dialogue issue:

You write:  David: well we can either….
          Beth:  I’m not sure.

People don’t really talk like this.  

Maybe try:

David:  Let’s check it out.
Beth:  David… no!  

I found that through out the story, you had characters say what they are feeling.  What you need to do is have them say what someone might say if they were feeling that way.  Know what I mean?

Why do David and Beth care about Ben?  I have no sympathy for that character and see no reason why beth or david should.  Why does David think this light would have anything to do with Ben.  

Another thing I noticed through but I will only mention 1 time:  You explain in detail the setting, page 20 the kerosene lamp, I was under the impression that if it doesn’t push the story forward don’t mention, and though it plays a role later on, I don’t know if you really have to get into the describing the wick etc.  Just kerosene or candle might do…

If this guys a fempiror I thought he couldn’t survive fire.  There light system is based on avoiding fire?   So I’m not sure if this and the final scene work with that logic in place.  Anywho…

21- line “found you” doesn’t work for me,

22- last ex: of wordy action:  “the pair screams and darts…  you go on”  all we need to know is they run off the rest is fluff, I’ve been told to cut the fluff…

24: Rufus’ line “Im here to reward…” =wordy.

25: transmutation seems like the wrong term.  I think here might be a good place for a fictitious term.    Transmuation is too modern and high-tech these people are living in wooden cabins right?

27-Rufus dies…  kinda anti-climatic=maybe he could slumps to the ground and puddle of blood seeps into the dust??

35:  Gosh he’s asking a lot of questions.  A look can accomplish the same thing.

36: this is the best part.

28: with a…with a…=words repeated

40:  your fellertrusk.  I wouldn’t put this in there, I get you made up the language but I didn’t read it, I just read the translation.  Is how the language would sound a screenwriter’s call?

42:  chaos that follows… why was there chaos… that didn’t come through for me.

46.     Why does this girl have so much free time!  She paints crochet, shouldn’t she be cooking or working.  Plus having a painting of a boy in the house that her parents don’t know about seems weird.  Not sure if the painting really works.

-come back my love=over the top, subtlety may be best here.

53: another example of changing dialect.  I can’t get a grasp of these characters because the language they use seems older at times and then modern.   You should pick and stick with it.

54: NO! too easy.  Better reason for there being no cure.  He tried for 100 years and couldn’t figure it out…why this is what I want to know!

70:  How David rides him is weird…awkward not manly….  I’d try a different way.

The levi-cars=having a hard time picture how they work…  they float but are then on tracks…are they like 2nd Indiana jones except they float??

77: example of you saying what character thinking:  “I hope you do…”  Someone might say “good” you know?

•     wondering at this point how this whole secret civ survive and David’s town not know about it?  

87 Zechariah look over to

92: Even=ever

96: “but what if they assume” whow! Slow down.  That’s a real long complicated line for what… maybe your shooting for comic relief?  But it didn’t work for me.  Either way though it’s too convoluted.

Logic issue why the complex trap?  Why even let them in.  Just kill them outside.  Or the first time in the room?  Kidnapping etc. seemed unnecessary to the story anyway.  It doesn’t really serve a point.

102: medics?  Different term, maybe make one up?

Who’s Ulrich seems like these two know each-other but how… maybe that’s what you were going for.

105: if I just got kidnapped im not sitting around.  “understood” come one, let’s see him get mad, get even already, and stop being such a wuss!

106: he’s moving in on his friend girl awful soon… seems wrong  I don’t like Abraham he’s scum.  

109: these guys are hugging now?  Didn’t they just kinda meet?

110: the genocide concept:  I don’t get why… isn’t this issue really about revenge for rejection…  aren’t they just evil in that sense?  It’s not clear.
Touché- would they use that word?
Shouldn’t Zacariah fight the boss?

115:  This is FORCED.  You’ve been foreshadowing this for an hour now…  Subtle.  This scene doesn’t work.  Way to blatant.  

Vladimir-traitor=it’s telegraphed here…  Less obvious…should be a shock…  You see this coming from a mile away.  

121-david is having a easy time with this idea, he just let’s everything go.  Why the sudden change, his whole frame of reference has done a 180 and I never saw it happen, that’s part of his journey/the audience needs to see this.

Why do the townspeople accept this stranger Vladimir but not the one they know David?

124;sexual relations: line is funny to me and it’s not supposed to be, this is serious, and may need to be said in a different way to avoid the immature giggle.

126: This moment is a gem, but it’s not used to it’s full potential.  Could be much more funny!  This is your comic relief moment….

Tepish buy loyalty-formatting is off

129: Too wordy.  This is your Luke I am your father moment.  But right now you have the equivalent of “Luke I am the husband of your mother, whom gave birth to you 432 months ago.”  This line really needs to pop…

130 we already had the fight with the cocky guy, can’t he have a different flaw?

131: “as if accepting his fate” show don’t tell.  His eyes have to do that, but you can’t say it, right?

Why is Abraham reaction the way they are…  David’s been gone for what 1-5 days, his reactions isn’t making sense to me.  

132: how’s Abraham know her life is ruined?

133:  The townsfolk conversation sounds like you just want to set up this mill to be burning.  Doesn’t work for me…  Plus I thought they couldn’t be near fire.

Awesome ending.  I was thinking that would be a great idea, and well you’d already done it.  

When I get back I’ll post the first 20 pages.  Again nothing is meant to be sarcastic or critical, I use examples not to make fun, but because I learn best and find it hard to explain things unless I use them.  I ask questions often to say, this is what your audience will be wondering.  Sometimes it’s cause I missed something, point it out and I’ll probably repeal my comment.  

Hope you find this helpful.  


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
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Jaykur22
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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One more thing... Act 1 really comes through strong...  Act 2 gets muddles with Act 3 when I read it.  

Have you thought about your crisis point in Act 2?

Resolution and climax in Act 3?  

Maybe I'm missing it, if so what are they?

Next, I read this very quick for how long it is, and it is long.  I know my review was fairly negative but telling what you did right doesn't help you improve does it?  

Jaykur22


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
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George Willson
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Jaykur. You've given me some good ideas to think about here. Stuff I may not have noticed before. I kind of figured this part needed more work. It was the first one written, and it was rewritten 5 or 6 times in outline form, and then tweaked and reworked over and over and over in screenplay form. Of all the Fempiror entries, this one is probably the weakest because it was the first.

I'll certainly be looking into your comments and see what can or can't be corrected. Some of the comments play into the universe as a whole, and changing them woudl disrupt a lot of future goings-on. Some things are left for deliberate confusion, but other things you've mentioned are very, very solid points such as some of the characters' reactions, and that pesky dialogue...I'm always revising it.

I'm a little thrown off by the comment on fire. Fire is not detrimental to a Fempiror in any way. Their aversion to sunlight (while unknown to them in this period) is due to ultraviolet radiation, a property not present in common fire. In the next part, they use fire rather extensively. The reason they would prefer not to use fire is because of the smoke and enclosed areas. So, I am very curious as to where this idea of fire being bad came from because I need to fix that.

Again, thank you very much for the details on what isn't working. I really appreciate it. I hope you continue to read and enjoy the series. I promise, the quality improves as you go onward.


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Jaykur22
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The first 20 pages as promised.

First off I found the language bit in the beginning slightly overwhelming... i just want to understand it, I don't want to have to learn another language.  Granted yo did subtitle it.  

1: you use the word stereotypical...  I'd show don't tell her.  All the houses in a row...  But this brings up another point.  You have a fairy tale land here, what's stereotypical?  

"Been gonna make it"  =ben

Ben talks very well for being hammered.

4: stranger think there should be an s here

6.  what importance is the shirt dying?  This is a few minutes of movie and it never comes back into play, it's not really necessary.  

9.  taylor=tailor

11: twosome and threesomes... what are you trying to say.  It's not coming out very clear, slightly convulated.  

Maybe try:  we hang al lthe time, and you got the girl, and what do I have... he holds up his hand.  (little crass, more my sense of humor but i think you get what I'm saying)

16:  feel slightly overwhelmed by all these characters

what is this all about...maybe try raise an eye brown...or crinkle his brow.

17: used for little but hiding... re barn....  drop that and explain it, old rickety wood, termite ridden etc.  

Aright...slightly out of order but works getting in the way of my hobbies...sorry

Also I could provide more examples re: any comments above especially when I spoke in generalities but I didn't want you to feel brow beaten, however if it would help I could go back through and really pull out what I was talking about, quote it ,and then tweak to what I was talking about.  

I'll leave that up to you.

Jaykur22


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
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George Willson
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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The purpose of the page at the beginning is not to learn a new language, but just to be able to pronounce it. That's all. The shirt dying was a character device for David's life. He is dying a shirt blue. This is a very menial task and the color of depression. David's potential is examined using the rod he was churning with as it simulates the sword he will eventually use. It's more or less a metaphorical scene than it is a setup/payoff kind of scene.

taylor/tailor...yeah, I misspelled it as his name once and forgot to change it before I went on. Now it's forever misspelled.

And no worries about my feeling brow-beaten. I'd rather it be torn apart at this stage than later when I can't fix it. I'm rather enjoying you tearing it apart.

And I really must read the dialogue out loud some time...


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Jaykur22
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Cool beans my man.

Re: shirt dying-i guess maybe shorter; drags slightly and I think when you finally get going the story really rolls, so I thought it may be a part to trim back.  However if it comes into play later that's your call.

I actually found it very helpful to read a character and have someone else, buddy, wife, gf, whatever your personal situation; be other roles.  

The fire comment originates from this line:

ZECHARIAH
Since we are night dwellers, the
first thing created was some kind
of light that did not require fire.

I interpretted that as meaning there purpose was to avoid fire.  The only reason I could think of as to them avoiding fire was because like sunlight it affects them.  Maybe I'm missing something.

Hope this helps.

jaykur22


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
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George Willson
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jaykur22
The fire comment originates from this line:

ZECHARIAH
Since we are night dwellers, the
first thing created was some kind
of light that did not require fire.

I interpretted that as meaning there purpose was to avoid fire.  The only reason I could think of as to them avoiding fire was because like sunlight it affects them.  Maybe I'm missing something.


No, you caught something that is rather significant. The line needs to be revised, and I just need to figure out how so no one else is thrown off by that line. Every line needs to mean something and they shoudl not be misinterpretable unless it's done on purpose. I'll look into it for sure.

The whole dying scene is also just giving David something to do while he and Abraham talk. However, I'll see if the info can be dispersed.

Thanks again. Very much.


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DOM
Posted: May 19th, 2006, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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My God!! Jaykur, that's a lot of comments! How can you find THAT much wrong with these scripts?

George, does this mean you're gonna rewrite the episodes, and/or films?
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George Willson
Posted: May 20th, 2006, 4:08am Report to Moderator
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I'll do what I always do. Weigh all comments I receive seriously, and if the opening script (which needs to the most work, IMO) needs a few of these modifications that Jaykur suggests, then I will certainly take them. I am always open to feedback. I know my series better than anyone, and you can be assured the greater continuity will not be affected by any comments I receive. However, Jaykur makes some fine points within this story, and I will be taking some to heart.


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James Fields
Posted: May 20th, 2006, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hello George. I'm going to start reading your series here. It looks like a great piece of work.


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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George Willson
Posted: May 20th, 2006, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Cool. I hope you enjoy it. If you don't, I hope you let me know what I can do better. Thanks.


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George Willson
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Guess what the script of the day is! The Initiation of David was randomishly selected. Feedback aside, if you're looking for something that isn't so bad and you're tired of another remake of a remake, here's something original.

Since I'm posting anyway, I thought I'd throw out there that I'm finally working on the fourth feature of the series entitled Voivode. After I finish the first draft, I'm going to put it on ice for a month or so while I rewrite it, so it's not like it's right around the corner or anything, but soon-ish.


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FilmMaker06
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't been able to read the next two features like I wanted to because I've been super busy this summer with Drivers Ed and camps and everything between. And I'm fixin' to do the driving part of drivers e on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then Monday...busy busy busy.

I have scanned the second one and it looks pretty good. But I want to actually sit down and read it. So, after I finish up a few promised reads, I'll get to reading your next two features and then, hopfully, the series.

And I second what he said. If you are looking for a good, clean, easy-to-read, original, amazing read...read these scripts!

-Chris
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George Willson
Posted: November 12th, 2006, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, after a long, somewhat unforgivable hiatus, I plan on finishing the 8th episode sometime in the next week. It's nearly complete, but I like to let it simmer a couple of days, so it should be out in the next couple of weeks (time pending when I submit vs. when Don posts). But the forever long wait is nearly over and the saga will continue.


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chism
Posted: November 12th, 2006, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Do you have any idea how long you're going to continue the series? I mean it looks as though a lot of people are reading and enjoying it so I'm wondering how far ahead you've thought. How many episodes in Season One or will there be a Season Two. I'm always curious with series writers how far ahead they think.


Cheers, Chism.
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George Willson
Posted: November 12th, 2006, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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I have all the episodes in season one planned out for a total of 22. I have some key episodes in season two planned out already as well, but not many. I was focusing on getting through season one, and then I got a hideous bout of writer's block. I know how the series will eventually end, and I have planned the finale, so I know some things that need to happen before that end happens.

Basically, I track the development of the characters and see where they take me. My series Bible gets an update after every episode completed since while I plan the direction and key events, I don't know what all will happen till I'm done with it.

My plan was for 4 or 5 seasons worth before writing the final screenplay entitled The End of All Things.

Now, the Chronicles are bigger than just a series, and I've spoken of some other screenplays that will actually occur before the series and I always maintain that continuity as well. We'll see how far it takes me. I'm at its mercy as much as it is at mine.


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chism
Posted: November 13th, 2006, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Wow. 22 episodes just for the first season. Well, that's not so unusual for a television series, actually it's pretty common. Are you writing all of these yourself or do you have a couple of collaborators lined up to help?


Cheers, Chism.
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George Willson
Posted: November 13th, 2006, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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It's just me. When I get going, I'm rather prolific. When I get blocked, it's a major slump. Hopefully, I'm out of my slump.


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George Willson
Posted: November 21st, 2006, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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The long, long, long awaited 8th episode of The Fempiror Chronicles series is finally up here. I hope the wait was worth it. I think it's pretty good.


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George Willson
Posted: December 4th, 2006, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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Still going strong, the 9th episode of The Fempiror Chronicles is now online. The thread doesn't bump unless I say something, since Don just updates the first post. This time, things get a little hairier for our confused young hero and his lost love, not to mention all the other stuff that goes on around them. Enjoy.


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George Willson
Posted: December 27th, 2006, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Just dropping a line to note that episode 1x10: Playing With Fire is now posted. I've been told that the pace on this one really makes it work. Enjoy.


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MisterWriter
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I just finished up reading the first script and thought it was pretty good. Much more detailed as far as history and language go than a lot of screenplays. Of course, as with any screenplay, there are a few problems.

Most notably, it's a little boring in parts. It tends to drag a bit and could definitely use another edit.

Not many typos that I could see...so yeah, it was great other than the problem I just pointed out. And even then, whatever time it drags, the action certainly makes up for it.

Now I must read the second...


Like the water, we'll reflect The Light...
------------------------
WRITING:

Eclipse (First Act Complete)
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George Willson
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Thanks, MisterWriter, for the feedback on the first screenplay. Any parts in particular that struck you as more boring than others? The first one is the slowest of all of them, and I'm curious as to how I might tighten it up a bit.


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George Willson
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So for anyone's viewing pleasure comes episode 11 of the Fempiror Chronicles. It feels like I'm double posting only because no one else does. The funny thing is that since I host my own scripts, I know when they're accessed and where they're accessed from. They get a lot of hits from simplyscripts, so although I've received few comments, I do have readers -- but they are of the silent variety. The series continues.


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DDP
Posted: January 16th, 2007, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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OMG. This is longer than I thought. It may take me a while to get through it all! I'll probably do most of my reading at work! Haha...under the radar of my boss of course.


Quoted from George Willson
So for anyone's viewing pleasure comes episode 11 of the Fempiror Chronicles. It feels like I'm double posting only because no one else does. The funny thing is that since I host my own scripts, I know when they're accessed and where they're accessed from. They get a lot of hits from simplyscripts, so although I've received few comments, I do have readers -- but they are of the silent variety. The series continues.


I believe you. I think that most people, even when they really enjoy a piece of text, do not bother to leave feedback. I too usually fall into this "silent variety."

I don't usually leave feedback because A) I'm too lazy to write something  ... B) I can't really express what I want to say ... or C) I think "What's the point of commenting?" And I know that is crazy because I like to write and I enjoy feedback but sometimes I feel like I don't have the time to give a really good quality response so I think, why bother with a very simple "Good job" or whatever...

Revision History (1 edits)
DDP  -  January 16th, 2007, 6:00pm
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George Willson
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Sometimes a well placed attaboy can hit the spot. You don't necessarily have to comment on the script thread if you don't know what to say. You can PM the author who usually posts somewhere on their own script threads, if for no other reason than to show they exist.

Thanks for having a look, DDP. I hope you like it.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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George.

I've always intended to have a read of this, never quite got round to it.

Once I get a bit of spare time and I'll have a good look.

One thing. I would have thought it is very difficult to get something like this off the ground without having a large fan base.

Have you ever thought about converting it into an audio book or something like that. Then it could be spread around easily and build up a reputation.
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sniper
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I've always intended to have a read of this, never quite got round to it.

Once I get a bit of spare time and I'll have a good look.

Oooh, that's a big no no - Bert will kill you.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Mr.Z
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Quoted from sniper
Bert will kill you.


Slowly.



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Quoted from sniper

Oooh, that's a big no no - Bert will kill you.



Not if I get to you first.

Since it is George's infamous and quite good series (That I recommend... well the features anyway. Never read the series.) I shall let the shameless bump go unless George himself is around and wants to delete it.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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bert
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
Bert will kill you...


Quoted from Z
...slowly.


Slander and lies, I tell you!  How do these rumors get started, anyway?

Actually, I usually do kill the "gonna read this later" posts -- though perhaps not the poster themselves -- but like Wes, I will let this one stand.

It has been a long time since Fempiror has seen the top of the boards, so a little bump is not untoward.

Also like Wes, I will vouch for this series.

They are epic, elegant stories, and not too many on the boards would even attempt something of this scale.  Formatting, of course, is top notch.

So if you are slouching around looking for something to read, these are good to check out.  George has been too busy to be around much lately, but I know for a fact that when he does pop in, nothing makes him happier than fresh reads on Fempiror.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Kemps
Posted: May 25th, 2008, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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I became officially a big fan of these pages! Not only did I start to see how the flow of a screenplay should really be, but the story itself really got me. I'm not a start trek fan or anything, but this just clears off my prejudices and am hoping for many more episodes to come. I've only read the first seven ones btw, but I don't see my fempiror addiction fade away in the next ones. Excellent work!
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George Willson
Posted: May 26th, 2008, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
So if you are slouching around looking for something to read, these are good to check out.  George has been too busy to be around much lately, but I know for a fact that when he does pop in, nothing makes him happier than fresh reads on Fempiror.


It's true that nothing gives me a bigger warm fuzzy than seeing a little attention on Fempiror. It also boosts the ego a smidge to see some kind words thrown around about it, especially from people like Bert and Wes who read some of the earlier drafts of the features almost some three or four years ago.


Quoted from Kemps
I became officially a big fan of these pages!  Not only did I start to see how the flow of a screenplay should really be, but the story itself really got me. I'm not a start trek fan or anything, but this just clears off my prejudices and am hoping for many more episodes to come. I've only read the first seven ones btw, but I don't see my fempiror addiction fade away in the next ones. Excellent work!


Thank you very much, Kemps. My life is starting to settle down a bit, and I've been around a bit more than I used to. God willing, I do plan on writing more of these in the near future. It's a big story, and though Wes apparently is no fan of the ongoing series, it does have an ending in my head that I might actually write someday.

But I think it's high time for that fourth part to be written. It's been in planning since before I ever wrote the third. In fact, the third part came out of the planning of the fourth in order to explain a few things that were too much to squeeze into one feature (you know, since it turned out to be 135 pages by itself).

The series isn't dead. In fact, I doubt it will ever be dead. There's too much to these critters for it to ever die out. I just need to get me some time to continue it.

Thank again for reading and commenting that you did read it. I appreciate the warm fuzzies and if you have anything posted, I do play the game around here (helped to encourage it as well) so if I can't find it off hand, PM me and let me know what you have.

EDIT: Aha! I found The Unknown in Sci-Fi. I'll have a look ASAP and see if I can churn out one of my reviews that people seemed to love in the past.



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George Willson  -  May 26th, 2008, 7:39pm
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Kemps
Posted: July 2nd, 2008, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Ok exams ended and reached the last episode, which is oh so unfortunate because it has  options to go on for like 20 seasons, and still deliver me the same satisfaction, because every episode brings another part of the story. Please George, I want to see some more David and Alex and that old sock of a Kaltesh!
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George Willson
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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I have ideas sketched out for a couple seasons, but haven't had the time I've needed to devote to it. I know I'll return to it at some point, probably one episode at a time without being the script factory I was known for when I did most of this.

It's definitely motivating to me that it continues to be fairly well liked, so maybe working on some episodes will get the cobwebs out of my writing muscles. Before I do that, I probably need to actually reread it myself, which is some 700 pages worth, I think.

But before that happens, I think I need to give The Unknown a read. Thanks again for the read and the kind words, Kemps. I really appreciate it.


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Kemps
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, that joke of a screenplay was already removed right after I read some of your stuff, because the flow was one giant dungheap.

Anyway, you got a great ending with the Isabel thing at episode 11, will be curious to see some Fempiror fights filled with passion and hate between her and Alex :p.
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