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Just finished reading your first episode. Thought it was a very good read and well written. You have that extra touch that distinguishes you from others on this site.
With over nine pages of comments to skim through I can see my trouser comment has been raised.
I would question how One would know the name of Barbos the cleaner. But as it turns out it wasn't really the One. Aside from that, I've no other queries.
I could never envisage a wild west & sci-fi mix. Good job.
Hey Jay -- thanks for looking and taking a moment to let me know what you thought. I appreciate it.
I recall the "trouser" comments -- and I really think that might play better on the screen -- but I can see why some might find it odd on the page.
As for the Barbos comment, it would make sense for Eleven to get a little suspicious at that point, wouldn't it?
I might just work that in someday. I was hoping to find some time this summer, but most of my free time has been spent with Tanis. In fact, I should probably get back to her now
I loved this. I wish the ending was a little more drug out because it seemed like you could have made this into a 30 page script, and it seemed to me like you closed everything up a little fast. Maybe that was how you wanted it, though.
Thank you bangston, for taking a moment to let me know what you thought.
I realize 20 pages is a bit short, but the original plan was to have a series of quick, 20-page episodes.
Then I couldn't bring myself to split up the second episode -- so it turned out to be 40 pages -- and the lengths are just all screwy now haha.
I will continue periodic posting on this once the whole story is done so I do not get caught in this half-done trap again -- which totally sucks -- not sure when that will be, though.
If you got something you would like looked at, drop me a note -- though I cannot promise to get to it right away, I am pretty good about remembering to read stuff eventually. Thanks again for your thoughts.
Finally, 'Starbuck Starr' makes its way onto my 2004 model laptop. Woah, the laptop is older than the script.
As ever, your writing is so carefully crafted. It feels like you lovingly drop each word into place, as if completing a puzzle that will finally show [ENTER YOU BABE HERE].
Commenting-as-I-go. Kind of. I've just arrived at the late 1800s - lovely little opening. It feels like a 'Doctor Who'/'Back to the Future' hybrid to this point. Instead of sending Marty and his high-tops, we're sending a brute - resplendent with sausage fingers - and the shapeshifting Moloch. 'Doctor Who'-type shows/films have never really been of interest for me, but it is a breeze to read through this. Having said that, you've covered a wide spectrum of genres, so maybe I will find something in it for me.
It would appear that the foxy Eleven is a goner - shame, 'cos she sounded hot. No, she sounded HOT. Perhaps she will resurface..
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But her beauty is of the unpracticed sort, like that of a teacher or a nurse passing through life forever naive of their true radiance.
Lovely description. Aside from reading well, it paints a picture for me; so, effective as well.
Starbuck has made his entrance, and you have shifted gears a little. The confrontation between him and Moloch is fun and sets us up - presumably - for a lengthy battle. Definitely feeling less of a 'Doctor Who' vibe now.
Didn't really like this line:
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PROSPECTOR AGH! What poison is this?!
It just felt a little too like spelling it out. His Kryptonite, I presume. In all fairness, you needed something, 'cos the battle wouldn't have been fair otherwise - even with Buck's lightening reflexes - but the revelation for Moloch could've been more subtle, I think.
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EMILY Be careful, papa. KIPPLE Oh, yes. Most careful. He pokes and prods with abandon, not being careful at all, pushing every button he can find.
Lovely exchange. Amusing, too.
It struck me as odd that Buck was seemingly interested in Emily, 'cos I have envisaged him being mid-30s, and there hadn't been a nod to him being younger, which I now assume him to be.
Another pod? Maybe she is saved after all. You ended this in the perfect place, bert.
This is a very solid and entertaining script. Even though it's not the type I would normally dive into, you crafted something that makes me want me more.
Ah, another read on my greatest, unfinished symphony. I do hope to see this story through to its conclusion before I die. Though not everyone believes that.
Quoted from Andrew
...the laptop is older than the script...
Ha. Just barely. And I do so like it when people mention word choice and craft. I do obsess -- dreadfully -- and it makes me a slow writer -- but I do think it is important, so thanks for the vindication.
Quoted from Andrew
Lovely description. Aside from reading well, it paints a picture for me; so, effective as well.
That's the passage you chose to quote? Andrew, I am not sure how to tell you that people hated that line. More than any other, perhaps. Just goes to show you can never tell, I suppose, but it might not make the cut on rewrite.
Quoted from Andrew
It struck me as odd that Buck was seemingly interested in Emily, 'cos I have envisaged him being mid-30s
Oh, now there is a good catch, and easy to fix. Thanks. I will be sure to clarify that. I do not want my hero looking like a total perv.
Quoted from Andrew
Another pod? Maybe you saved her after all.
Hmm. Yeah, she is around, but you might not be too crazy about the end of episode two -- although I will refrain from spoiling anything.
What I will say -- (hopefully without sounding too Balt-ish) -- is that episode two climaxes with one of my favorite passages that I have ever written. The runaway train.
Several times SS members have pointed to it as a good example during discussions of action writing -- and it may well be the best cliffhanger on the boards -- so I am kind of proud of it. I hope it works for you.
As always, thanks for your comments, which come from a very thoughtful perspective as usual. I was also amused, which is a nice bonus.
It is with relish that I return to this second offering in the SS series. As an added bonus, my team - Manchester United - won a game 5-nil a little earlier. This is after much doubting of the truly legendary Sir Alex Ferguson; now, I see you were - effectively, too - using English words in a different thread, - "bollocks" - so there is much pressure on you to be knowledgeable about the great institution of Manchester United, and the greatest 'soccer' coach there is/was/will be.
Anyway, I digress.
Really liked the way you intro'ed Emily's childhood, and seamlessly weaved it into the present day through her face. It's exactly the way I would visualise a TV series doing so - and I mean that in a complimentary sense. You gave a chunk of backstory - not too much - and then brought us bang to speed in the prison. The natural suspicion would've been to see the reintroduction of Eleven to start us off, but you kept surprise and suspense to that detail.
BY THE WAY, and before I forget, I simply cannot believe that people didn't appreciate your poetic description re:
Quoted from bert
That's the passage you chose to quote? Andrew, I am not sure how to tell you that people hated that line. More than any other, perhaps. Just goes to show you can never tell, I suppose, but it might not make the cut on rewrite.
Really surprised that was met with a negative, 'cos it read well and helped plot a picture in the mind. I am sticking with my convictions here; that was a terrific piece of writing - then again, what do I know.
Whether intended or not, this line:
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KIPPLE Violence begets violence. It is reason that will win the day.
Made me think of the Civil Rights movement, and the MLK vs Nation of Islam - and, I guess, particularly the media depiction of MLK vs MX. Irrespective, it definitely felt like you were weaving social commentary in here - I like that.
Also, another benefit of the opening sequence is that you've now contextualised Emily's brash and determined actions re: loading up with guns. Additional to that, we've now got a reason to care for Kipple, - with Emily stating he's all she has - 'cos the immediate assumption is that he saved her from possible death in the wagon. Quality writing with clear thought and depth - really nice work.
Conn's been introduced, and my immediate fear is that he may hog some of Buck's limelight. Now, if that's in a Luke Skywalker/Han Solo-type way, then that's good; if, however, it's not, then I do wonder if two characters will be jockeying for similar ground. We'll see.
Ahhh, so Conn is manoeuvring in on Emily, which is potential love triangle territory. Still unsure if these guys can co-exist. It does hark back to the LS/HS analogy, however.
Well, bert, you're opening a whole can of subtext whoopass - we have the Indians and the Cowboys, seemingly brought together to face down a common foe. A man of your intelligence must be teasing out the historical complexities purposefully here. There's a word I want to use here to summarise that thought, but it is - annoyingly - eluding me right now. Again, terrific work, and indicative of why you remain my favourite SS writer. Don't tell Robert, however He's a terrific writer as well, though.
Anyway, enough talk from me - I am on page 11, so will just read and comment when done, 'cos this could become a beast of a comment otherwise.
Sorry, I just had to drop in a comment. I know we're getting to know the "team" in these opening 12 pages, but I do feel like we could have maybe a little more foreboding at the danger of Moloch. You know, something like them being spooked by a noise, or something to that effect, I just think it would keep that omnipresent fear factor around - that's something I feel needs to pervade your early story. That fear factor was reminiscent of the first season of 'Heroes', where you were acutely aware that Sylar could appear at any given time.
Eleven is literally springing into action re: page 14. This is my kind of babe, and fully deserving of that capitalised HOT. I obviously wouldn't say that to her face, however.
Oh, and maybe Eleven's arrival clears the path for a Emily/Buck romance, with Eleven being the natural partner for Conn. We'll see. Sorry, I just have this need to jot down my thoughts as I read, and I am not entirely sure how helpful, or interesting that is to read, but it may help show how the script seeps through another mind.
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CONN And what is it again...Eleven? That ain’t no proper name for a filly like you. I think you’re more of a... (thinks on it) ...Ginger. You like that?
LOL funny!
Ahh, and now we have a presumable-Mexican. A real melting pot of American formation presented in this story. Very interested in your thoughts on what underpins this.
Coyote is after Conn for money a la Jabba.. Conn IS Han Solo. Is there a level of homage to Star Wars here, bert? Or am I just reading into this way too much.
bert, that was a great train scene. So much going on, and yet it never feels like too much is going on. I am visualising a really great action scene. The introduction of a human enemy like Coyote is a pretty smart move, and my hunch is that he will eventually become a pawn for Moloch.
You've left all of our characters in peril... BUT episode 3 is not - yet anyway - forthcoming. Mr. Newcomer, you need to address this.
Indeed. When are you crazy brits finally going to accept that any form of football apart from the American version is utter bollocks? Haha -- I kid, of course -- lest I spend the rest of my days peeking over my shoulder whenever I hear the sound of approaching footsteps...
Quoted from Andrew
Is there a level of homage to Star Wars, here?
Now, see...this is why I consider your eyes to be amongst the strongest of the recent new batch around here.
Yes. Buck is Luke and Conn is Han. They will both have moments to shine and moments where they compete for the spotlight. And Emily is Leia. I cannot believe I have not been called on this before.
In fact, I would not even call it homage. It is blatant lifting of a well-worn formula -- but then, it is also a proven formula. And in my defense, where I am tweaking it is with the addition of Eleven -- a second female.
Eleven has no corresponding match in your analogy -- but as the story progresses, you will find that other characters play similar roles in the formula.
Quoted from Andrew
A real melting pot of American formation...very interested in your thoughts on what underpins this.
You know, it is kind of intentional, but honestly, I have to admit that I have not figured out exactly what I am trying to say here.
I am simply assuming that will emerge as my treatment works its way onto fleshed-out pages. That is the way such things usually work for me, anyways. It is almost organic, and as you type, you have little, "ahh...there you are!" moments, where you suddenly find opportunities to expand on some of the subtler things you are trying to do.
Quoted from Andrew
Don’t tell Robert, however. He’s a terrific writer, as well.
That guy is a fucking hack -- let's see if he is lurking haha -- but yeah, I have yet to be disappointed by anything of his that I have looked over.
Quoted from Andrew
But episode 3 is not...yet...forthcoming. You need to address this.
As I have mentioned a few times, the full treatment is done, but stuff always seems to come up. Right now I need to finish up with SoulShadows before I can fully concentrate on this again. I am a poor multi-tasker, and have a hard time focusing on more than one project, as I really need to immerse myself, you know?
Thanks again for your thoughts, including the things I have taken note of without actually commenting formally.
And best of luck on your travels, which sound absolutely marvelous. I envy you that. But steer clear of those Slovakian hostels -- I hear bad things.