Quoted from bert LMFAO!!  Perhaps you spent a little too much time in front of the tube, Mike...

If you only knew the dark and horrible truth.  

*SPOILERS*
I liked this one, Bert. A fast and enjoyable read. By the end of your script, you have an interesting bunch put together (hero, indian, inventor, hottie); I feel intrigued not only about how are they going to deal with the bad guy, but also how they are going to interact with each other. Something tells me that Buck gets the hottie, but maybe you have a surprise planned regarding this matter. I hope that each character has personal secrets to be revealed as the story advances (specially dirty secrets).

I liked the way you identified your spaceship guards; it looked much better than the usual GUARD Nº3 or COP Nº5 thingy.

I second Martin about keeping always the same slug for your locations, and Cindy about the introduction of Barbos.

Some nitpicking:

P.3
I suggest including Eleven´s age. At least: 20´s, 30´s, 40´s, etc. (Same with the Indian and the Sleeping Cowboy in page 12)

P.4
ELEVEN
(into com)
“Security personnel to Max Wing. Annex 12. Armor and lodaded. Repeat. Security personnel to Max Wing. Annex 12. Armor and Loaded.”

The alarm starts to sound when Barbos does his thing. Then you cut to the main deck when 117 speaks to a com to warn that “We´ve got a code 4 in the Max Wing”. Then you cut back to Barbos and Moloch for a while. Then you cut back again to the main deck and introduce Eleven. By this time, I already expected Security to be on his way to Max Wing (the alarm had been sounding for some time). So when Eleven orders “Security personnel to Max Wing” (twice) it sounded kind of odd. It seemed like the security guys were intentionally delayed by the writer, so Eleven could have a relevant order to give. You can make her inquire if security is on their way, and have some other guy to confirm, instead.

P.9
Eleven´s escapes the prision transport too easily, IMO. Moloch leaves her in the Pod Bay, where she can clearly see through a window that the transport is heading towards the moon; and she´s near some other Pods conveniently ready to go. General Griveou´s escape comes to my mind; the bastard escapes the spaceship in a Pod, but also launches all others so the jedi can´t follow him. It´s good that Eleven´s pod jettisons just before the ship smashes into the moon, but I felt that some additional trouble was needed for her to make the scene work. Maybe you could make Barbos shoot her some polymer before leaving, to make her escape more difficult?

P.9
EXT. THE CRUISER AND THE MOON

Not that this slug lost me or something, but I think it will look better if you write: EXT. SPACE
The description that follows is quite clear; we know the cruiser is about to crash on the moon.

P.9
“A telescope like we´ve never seen”

This is too vague; not a clear visual IMO. And considering that in the following paragraph you describe the telescope in detail, I would suggest removing the quoted line.

P.10
I know you know what I would say about Emily´s description

P.11
“DISSOLVE TO:

THE PROSPECTOR´S BOOTS
Somebody is wearing them now”

If you believe it´s absolutely neccesary to use a transition/camera direction to show your story, then it´s ok to go for it. But if there is a way to get rid of said transition/camera direction, and leave your story intact, then it must go; we know these things are not welcome in spec scripts. How about:

“The Prospector´s boots lie abandoned on the dusty ground as his O.S. SCREAMS echo helpessly through the woods.

EXT. WOODS – LATER
Somebody is wearing the Prospector´s boots now.”

You show the same idea, and leave the director the decision about which transition (dissolve, wipe, etc) should go. Just for the record, I think the transition you wrote was the right one; all I´m saying is that is better to avoid such choices.

P.14
I second what other posters said about the Buck´s “draws like lightning” line. It doesn´t sound bad, but it doesn´t sound appropiate for a screenplay.

And there´s another thing to consider about Buck´s drawing scene: a good script can make the reader feel like watching a movie while reading. Script-pages turning are like movie-minutes flowing. So, a quick visual requires a short description. If you use too much words to describe how quick a certain action is supposed to be, you´re disrupting the cinematic flow of the action described. In this scene you´re telling us Buck is fast but it doesn´t feel fast enough, because this action takes 5 lines from start to finish. You could make it to feel much faster if you shorten your description.

Anyways, you have a nice and useful visual here: Buck is able to draw, shoot and return the pistol to his holster *before* the bottle hits the ground. That gives us a very good idea of how fast he is. You should build this action bit around that idea, and get rid of everything else you can.

Despite the previous nitpicking, this is my favourite scene. The bad guy has a hell of a laser gun... but the good guy draws faster making his opponent´s technology useless. I liked this. The best ideas are usually the simpler ones.

P.15
BUCK
Now you just hold it right there
(he doesn´t stop)
Hey! I mean it!
(he keeps coming)

I thought that parenthicals should not be used like this. Shouldn´t that information be given as action lines?

P.18/19
Kipple and Emily find the pod and that the Prospector is dead. News for them, but not for the audience. It would appear that this scene is not needed (unless it gives some other information I´m missing). Besides, they tell Buck about their discovery moments later.

P.21
“KIPPLE
My name is Dr. Ivan Kipple. I am a scientist and an inventor.

Buck reads the card.

BUCK
Dr. Ivan Kipple. Scientist and Inventor
(looks up)
What the heck is this?”

You are repeating information, and have some action in a parenthical. How about:

“Buck reads the card.

KIPPLE
My name is--

BUCK
Dr. Ivan Kipple. Scientist and Inventor?

He looks up.

BUCK
What the heck is this?”


Well, that´s all. Congratulations for writing this entertaining piece. Looking forward for the next episode.

I'm doing my best to review one script every day, and this was today's pick.  First off, starting a series is very hard to do, especially that first episode.  I tried writing one a while back and it didn't work in my favor because that first episode really needs to grab your attention.  For the most part, this one did, but I had a few issues with it.

spoilers ahead

The first five pages didn't do it for me.  I had to go back and read a second time to make sure I got everything, because alot is happening here.  I think when the star cruiser crashes into the moon is where I started getting interested.  First I'd like to say that I heavily enjoy the blend of two genres, both of which are completely opposite.

On page 8 when Moloch says while evily laughing "And give my regards...to the inferno!" I don't know why, I just started laughing.  You really develop Moloch in this to not be that supreme all around bad guy, but he has a personality and makes witty remarks.  You can have some fun with him in future chapters.

"Fetch the horses, Emily!  And my trousers!" I like this line.  We can assume that Emily and Ivan have a close father-daughter relationship, because A) they're both doing scientific discovery things in his study and B) obviously if he's not wearing trousers(I assume he's wearing something) then Emily is comfortable and that makes them close.  Kinda like Homer Simpson and Lisa.

On page 11 when the pod crashes and takes the prospector and leaves his shoes--I'm certain I've seen this a half a dozen times before.  I don't know where exactly, but it sounds very familiar.  Then Moloch comes out in the skin, which reminded me of Men in Black, which also, I'm fairly certain, reused that formula from earlier sci-fi stories.  That sequence wasn't really original in a sense that it's been in seen many times before.  I think for future chapters, try avoiding that kind of stuff which has been recycled.  The sci-fi in a western setting is pretty unique on its own, so you should try to keep everything in between unique as well.

Saloon-great scene.  I like how the sleeping cowboy winds up being our hero.

"Name's Starr.  Buck Starr."  "How unfortunate for you then, Sheriff Starbuck Starr."  This is what I mean with Moloch.  You can turn him into a very funny character because of the things that he inadvertly does or says.

"Word to the wise.  Less talk.  More bullets." Eh, the line strikes me as odd.

Moloch takes flight.  This guy reminds me of one those giant flying lizard things from Lord of the Rings, which were really cool!  Ivan Kipple is another guy who can bring some funny lines, such as his business card one.  That cracked me up!

So now you got these 4 guys who are going on a journey-esque type thing.  Kipple I think can turn out like Doc from Back to the Future--a smart, eccentric type guy.  Don't get the idea that I'm saying that I disliked this, because I didn't.  I'm trying to give you pointers and suggestions because as stated before, the first episode is always key.

Overall, when the pods crashed on earth, the story sped by and was very enjoyable.  Once again, I greatly enjoy the sci-fi/western genre.  Those, in my opinion, are the two hardest genres to write, but you pretty much nailed it here.  You end the first chapter establishing a solid story, and with more developing in upcoming chapters, I think this has all the potential in the world.  I look forward to upcoming chapters.  Good job!

Wow.  You guys have really come through with some great stuff.  I'm buzzing.  So much so that I am actually looking forward to the rewrite phase.  How weird is that?  I feel like I'm gonna have the tightest first act ever when I return to paste these episodes together.

Cindy:  Some ideas to use later.  Thanks for that.  And "technology".  Hmm.  George gave me a website to search the timeline of words but I can't find it now.  I'll have to check on that.

Z:  Top-notch stuff, man.  Hard to argue with any of it.  I keep waiting for you to put something up though, you know?

Greg:  It sure is hard not to let "formula" stuff slip in, but deep down, I know you are right.  Moloch's shape-shifting will play less of a role later, but it is fun to have something like that to draw upon when I want to play around with it.

General Stuff:
*  As mentioned in the WIP thread, there will be five adventurers in total.  There is still one more left to introduce in the next episode.
*  Also, Kipple is Emily's grandfather, not her father.  Nobody is getting that, so I clearly messed that up.  Fixing that will be a top priority in the next episode, and I have already figured out a nifty way to do it -- adding an additional layer to Emily's character (admittedly lacking so far) that should take everyone by surprise.

Kipple's a grandfather!  Oh!  Well that makes for more fun.  Nice diverse choice of characters. It's like the good version of Fantastic Four!(well, 5 technically).  

Bert,


Here's a little more feedback that will hopefully serve you better than a pic from a schlocky 80's cartoon.

I really liked the idea with the numbered guards, but you go back and forth between identifying them by number and spelled out number, such as 117 and Eleven.  You keep it consistent once you identify one either way, but I think they should all be one or the other.  My preference was the numbers themselves.

This really doesn't have any bearing on the story, but when Barbos hit the guard with the mop I thought "This is the first thing I've read or seen in a futuristic setting where the guards didn't wear helmets."  

Gonna agree with up top.  "I mean, this guy is like lightning" is more tell than show.  Maybe "He draws fast, like lightning"?

Same thing with "It's horrible to watch, but Barbos begins sniffing the animals rear end."

On pg. 16 you break up Buck's dialogue with wrylies like (He doesn't stop) and (He keeps coming).  These seem like they should be descriptions instead, since it's Moloch that is actually coming at him.

And lastly, a dialogue suggestion:

Buck: You gotta be kidding me.  You mean there ain't one...

This is the perfect time to drop the word "yellowbelly".

Overall, I thought this was great.  I'm really liking the characters so far, and I think you ended it at the perfect time.  Keep it up, and I can't wait to read the next episode.


Mike

Bert... Can you email this to me in document format? If it doesn't cause too much trouble I would love to read this. Thank you.

Quoted from bert  As mentioned in the WIP thread, there will be five adventurers in total.  There is still one more left to introduce in the next episode.

Is it a Country/Western troubadour named Tex Arkana?

That......would be awesome.

Thanks, Mike.  A couple of quick responses:

*  Numbering:  I went with "Eleven" -- spelled out -- to make her stand out, because we'll be seeing her again.  That, and also because "1" and "11" above the dialogue ended up looking completely retarded.  Even worse than you might imagine.
*  I'll definitely take your dialogue suggestion on board during rewrite, as I think your instincts for character speech are just great.
*  I'm sorry, but our fifth adventurer is not a singer.  Nice idea, though.  However, he is a performer -- of sorts -- with talents that will prove useful later.

And B.B.B.:  Sure.  No thanks are necessary.  Thank you for the interest.  It's at home and I'll try to remember it tonight.  FYI, some of the best stuff here is on PDF, as it preserves formatting better than anything else.  The reader doesn't cost a dime, and you might consider loading it up sometime.  (PS:  Sorry that "Warriors" thing didn't work out.  I love that flick, man!)  

I'm loading it right now... Oh, and by the way. My email is untouchablemoses@yahoo.com. Yeah, I just don't think I can live up to the movie. I think this series I'm working on is pretty good.

Wow, nice job Bert. This was an amazing opening to what I'm sure will be an amazing series.

Your descriptions are top notch, the dialogue between each character is flawless and it flows like a river. The action is great, and everything about it just blows me away. I'm serious when I say this.

But every good script has its flaws, but they are just minor.

A mic isn't spelled mike. So I guess you could say there are 1-2 spellig/grammar issues.

And on page 12 when Dr. Kipple asks Emily to fetch his pants. Isn't that a little... A little bit strange for him to ask. I'm not sure if anyone else agrees with me on this one, but I don't think he should have asked her for his pants. Just my opinion there.

Fast. I mean, this guy is like lightening.

Instead of putting that as your description maybe you could have made it less broad I suppose. Those are just very minor things I noticed.

Everything else is correct, and it all fits together.

May I ask when episode 2 comes out? (Hopefully no one asked this already.)

Fantastic start to what seems like a promising series. Good job Bert.

I have to admit, I like the line "Fast. I mean, this guy is like lightning.". I think it flows with the style of writing. But that's just a personal opinion.

As for the "pants" reference, I think that fits in with the inventor. I seem to think he will turn out to be a forgetful, maybe absent minded yet ingenius character. Works well with his character traits.

Nothing really more I can add Bert. It reads very well, great dialogue and sets up the next episode well.

Good luck, can't wait to read part 2.

Quoted from MacDuff I like the line "Fast. I mean, this guy is like lightning."

Thanks for that, MacDuff.  I like it too, dammit  .  But when so many readers pounce on something like that...well, you have to give that some weight.

Mixed reviews on the "trousers" line.  But I think part of the problem is that I failed to make it clear just how old Kipple really is.  That's my fault.  Something to fix on rewrite.

Thanks to B.B.B. as well.  I assume you don't need that e-mail now.  As for episode 2, it's discussed on post #13 of what is quickly becoming an unwieldy thread...but that's a good thing, I suppose  

Bert

I meant to get back to this sooner, but my computer recently fell victim to a large amount of spyware, so forgive me if my review is short; everyone has pretty much touched on what I wanted to say.

Once again your skills have impressed me. Like all you’re other previous works, the descriptions were wonderful and really made everything come together. The characters are original and very interesting. This is unlike anything I've ever read before, which is really refreshing. I'm really looking forward to more episodes.

My only concerns (which are few) have already been stated.

-Zavier

Bert don't get me wrong, from my review when I mentioned that lightning line I was telling you it was wrong for a screenplay as we're not supposed to tell what we can show easily.

I like the line, I was being technical. If you want to keep the line I don't think anybody will call the script police on you... you know?

Plus if someone like a TV studio were to pick up and read the script they'd be to involved to actually close it because of one line.