Thought I'd give this a read.

Very few details I feel I should pick at. The only one that particularly bothered me was when Moloch said "A blade? How barbaric. I'm flattered." If he considers a blade barbaric, wouldn't he feel insulted rather than flattered?

Overall, I enjoyed this very much. The blending of sci-fi and western makes for a pretty entertaining read. This felt more like a setup for adventures to come rather than an actual episode though. At the end of the script, I wanted to see what happened to these characters and didn't feel entirely fullfilled. I guess that's a good thing though since this is a series.

Also, I feel that Moloch was defeated a bit too easily. I mean, he was frozen in a giant cube. Unless he's supposed to be the main villain throughout the series, I suggest he put up more of a fight.

Otherwise, this is a read I'm glad I made since very few scripts have caught my interests as of late. I'll definitely be watching for future episodes. Good work.

Quoted from bert Cindy:??Some ideas to use later.??Thanks for that.??And "technology".??Hmm.??George gave me a website to search the timeline of words but I can't find it now.??I'll have to check on that.

That would be http://www.etymonline.com.

And for the record I just found this on. Shows how out of touch I am. I was perusing the threads at the top of the boards and recalled this title from your sig. I guess I'm just not paying attention. I'll have to give it a read. God knows, I sure as hell owe you a few since you've been my number one Fempiror fan.

Gotta love the numbering nature of pages vs. numbers on pages. My numbers refer to the number at the base of the acrobat screen.

5: Eleven says, "What is the nature of this alarm?" Nitpicky, but it feels weird. I try to "listen" to the script in my head, and this line just hit me as sort of odd-sounding.

9: "A blade? How barbaric. I'm flattered." When I was going over the comments, I noticed how someone commented on this line and I thought it was probably a gag thrown in because it was amusing, but in context, I don't get it. Why would he be flattered (even fecitiously, since the comment is clearly in that vein)?

All in all it's a good beginning. Not too much to pick on really. I really don't understand previous comments about Moloch being defeated so easily. I didn't see a clear defeat -- more like he got hung up by something. He got hit with something he didn't recognize, and so flew off to regroup. Common enough. Don't mess with the unknown till you know it.

I like the old/new crossover when you move from the beginning to the end. It's clever. I didn't see that coming at all. Took a bit of an adjustment.

I do look forward to seeing what more comes out of this.

Quoted from James McClung This felt more like a setup for adventures to come rather than an actual episode...

Thanks for your comments, James.  You might have missed that this is not a conventional "pilot" for an ongoing series.  These episodes are meant to be like an old movie serial, and will eventually be edited together into a feature.

What you've got here is essentially the "first act", and Moloch will be back.  He is our primary nemesis throughout the story -- though perhaps he is not turning out as intimidating as I'd originally conceived him. (He's got big plans, though...)

And George -- I couldn't get that stupid website to work.  Maybe it's just me, but all I got was links to video games.  Can you tell me what year the word "technology" was invented?  I think Cindy was right about that word kinda' standing out.

D'oh!!!!!! I transposed two letters in the link. My bad. It's http://www.etymonline.com.

To answer the question, here's a quote from that site, called Etymology Online.

technology  
1615, "discourse or treatise on an art or the arts," from Gk. tekhnologia "systematic treatment of an art, craft, or technique," originally referring to grammar, from tekhno- (see techno-) + -logia. The meaning "science of the mechanical and industrial arts" is first recorded 1859. High technology attested from 1964; short form high-tech is from 1972. Tech as a short form of Technical College (Institute, etc.) is Amer.Eng., attested from 1906.

I think the word is just barely old enough to have the meaning it has in the script, as long as your story occurs after 1859. Your good Dr. is probably informed enough to use it. Of course, some of the lower intellects around him might find it confusing forcing a moment to define it for them.

Hey Bert, when can we expect the next episode?

-Zavier

Quoted from bert The next episode is running long -- an action sequence on a runaway train is taking up alot more pages than the outline had suggested it would. I might split it into two, and release them one after the other fairly quick, or hold off a bit and release a longer one.  We'll see what happens during Christmas break.

Well, work on this has been sidetracked these past few weeks by a virtually unproducible piece of thumb-twiddling called "SimplyNoir".  Maybe you've heard of it.

I'm going for the longer episode, as I wanted to preserve the original cliff-hanger as I originally envisioned it as opposed to creating an "artificial" break.  I think it's a real grabber, too.  (In fact, somebody might not make it  )

This was never intended to be a weekly series.  And anyways, I think people might be more prone to return to something periodic as opposed to a series churned out at such a furious pace that readers can barely keep up **coughGeorgecough**

So maybe another couple of weeks.  Late Jan or early Feb.  Thanks for reading.

Quoted from bert Well, work on this has been sidetracked these past few weeks by a virtually unproducible piece of thumb-twiddling called "SimplyNoir".  Maybe you've heard of it.

SimplyWhat?  

Quoted from bert This was never intended to be a weekly series.  And anyways, I think people might be more prone to return to something periodic as opposed to a series churned out at such a furious pace that readers can barely keep up **coughGeorgecough**

What? It's been a month since I churned the last episode of my crown jewel, giving anyone who wants plenty of time to catch up. My little sleeper hit has come to life a few times over the past month, but it mostly continues to sleep until awakened. Seems that some people can't put it down till they reach the last episode. Weird...

And I just pulled an Alan...

Please forgive me for cranking the wheel on the hype machine...

Episode 2 will be dressed up this weekend and submitted sometime next week.  A couple of side-project distractions pushed this back, but then, I am very easily distracted.

A little about this new one, for those who tolerate these self-indulgent posts:

*  It's right at 40 pages, so it's kind of a "double-episode", but it all leads to a big, balls-out cliffhanger that I am just super pleased with.  I think it's really good.  You know how sometimes when you are typing and you just "know" you're hitting it?  The last five pages or so were just like that.
*  A few new characters are introduced, and among them is the despicable, gold-tooth bandito first seen in "Paramour's".  His real name is Coyote, but da*n if I didn't come within an inch of naming him Helio.  I still might at some point.
*  Geri and Jessie are nowhere to be seen.  Just couldn't do it.  Maybe later.

Thanks to those who read this kind of stuff.  Hope you will like it.  

Good news. I´ll check it out.

I´m curious about something. Do you picture this as an animated feature or live action?

Man, when I first saw this thread back at the top of the series board, I thought the new episode was up. Oh well. I'll read it later.

Bert. Regarding the Goldtooth character, does this episode take place before or after the "Paramour's incident?"

Hey, guys -- thanks for the opportunity to chat this up a bit more.

Quoted from Mr.Z ...animated feature or live action?

Personally, what I see for this while writing is live action -- but of the sort that looks like it should be a comic book, you know?  Like "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" or those "Mummy" movies that came out a few years back.  Not that those are the greatest movies -- but they're the first of that "style" that come to mind.

Quoted from James McClung Regarding Goldtooth...does this episode take place before or after the "Paramour's incident?"

That part of his backstory (get it?  backstory?) is definately before this story -- that's just in case I actually find a place for the girls.

I guess we know what just zipped to the top of everyone's read list, don't we?

i have read the first episode and I really liked it.  I was hooked by the first five pages, unlike some people or persons I guess, it was exciting and faced paced.  I loved Barbos, he was written very well.  I thought the dialog was great, I loved Buck Starr's introduction into the story at the Saloon.  You are a very skilled writer,  I know now I have a long way to go in my writing.  I really enjoy your description's.  I can't wait to read episode 2.  I hope it's as good as this one.  I think this would make a much better show than firefly.

Hey Bert. I enjoyed the second episode; it was worth the wait. You can now officially consider me a fan of the series. I can point out some small things here and there, but there are no major faults in your work so far; structure, story, format are all great.

The only important downward of this idea –and I suspect you’re aware of it- would be the high budget it requires. We know that a new/unknown screenwriter has much more chances to “break in” writing the next “Saw” than writing the next “Matrix”. Anyways, writing these series will be a great learning experience for you, even if it doesn’t become an earning experience. And you still have The Farm to pitch around, which requires a more reasonable budget.

Here are some notes I made as I read along.

P.3
“INT. THE GIRL’S WAGON”

If I understood correctly, this is the same wagon you called COVER WAGON earlier in the script. I suggest keeping the same denomination to avoid confusion.

Same in p.32 (NITRO CAR and FLAT CAR)

Jail Scene
I liked it but it felt a little too long; it’s nearly 8 pages. Try cutting out everything that isn’t essential. For example, Buck saying they need guns (we know that), or Conn saying “lets go rustle up some bad guys” (we know they’re going after Moloch). I think that Emily’s speech (p.7) could be shortened a bit.


P.5 “Emily is staring”
This doesn’t bother me at all, but I read it’s  supposed to be a big no no. I would suggest changing this to “Emily stares”. Writing only in present tense seems to be one of those golden rules, and it’s easy to follow. You got another couple of these along the script, but you get the idea.

“We will son learn that he goes by the name of THREE-CLAW”
I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever the screenwriter “talks to me” I feel dragged out of the story. You could loose this line; after p.9 it’s clear enough that the Indian is known as Three-Claw.

“THREE-CLAW”
(to Emily)
What is it you see?

Very minor complaint here, but I think you can loose the parenthical; Three-Claw is looking at Emily so it’s clear he’s talking to her.


P.6 “You won’t fine any powder-puffs in there”
Lol, I´m starting to like this guy.

P.8 “the kind that charms you with one hand while robbing you blind with the other”

Believe it or not, I’m not going to bust you on this one. On the contrary, I liked this line; with few words you manage to put a clear picture in the reader’s mind. Don’t ask me why, but I picture Conn as Sawyer from the Lost series.


P.10 “he drops the cigarette it into his balled hand”
I can’t be sure since Spanish is my first language, but isn’t the “it” not supposed to be there?


P.17
“KIPPLE
May I… May I touch you?”
I admit it, I have a dirty mind, but this line sounded kind of odd. Maybe he could touch her directly, while she stares at him confused.


P.25
I really like how the golden tooth becomes the morning sun; it was a great scene transition. I’m guilty of writing similar transitions in my scripts as well, but I’m not sure if this isn’t the director’s territory. Maybe these kind of things are too much for unknown writers writing on spec, or maybe not. I don’t know, I just felt like ranting a bit about it.

P.33
“COYOTE
He reaches the rear of the speeding train.”

I think these kind of secondary headings are not really needed. You can perfectly write…

“Coyote reaches the rear of the speeding train”


The train scene
I liked. Crazy and unpredictable, with enough “oh sh*t” moments to keep the reader interested.


P.37 “Fuego y fuma”
I think you meant “Fuego y humo” In Spanish we have different words for “smoke” depending if you’re using it as a verb or as a noun.

Verb: She smokes (fuma) a lot.
Noun: The smoke (humo) bothers me.


Well, nothing more to add. Eagerly looking forward for the next chapter.