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Hey Drex (I am going to keep calling you that): Glad you liked it. More than one reader has commented that Barbos was their favorite. Not sure what to make of that, but whatever....
Z: Everything you busted on is fair game, especially the fancy transitions. No...you are not supposed to do that, but I am just having fun with this one (for now). And that includes the monsterous budget. You are correct with the typos, too -- my errors there. Thanks.
This was much better than the last episode IMO. There was a lot more action and it was easy to get into since you already set up the characters in the "pilot."
A few things to think about:
Why does Buck let Conn join the posse? There doesn't seem to be any "bargaining" in this scene. It's just kind of accepted that he's in.
The word "filly" pops up a few times. Never heard this term before. What's it mean?
The Primus character was cool but doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story at hand. I suspect you are setting him up for the third episode? I'd say take him out of this one and introduce him in a future episode where his presence is more pertinent.
Also, it'd be nice to have an idea of how Primus speaks. I mean, half of his vocal chords are robotic, right? I think a description of that nature could strengthen his presence in the future.
Another thing about voice. Why does Coyote/Goldtooth have a Spanish accent? In Paramour's, he had an American accent (I assume anyway). I know they're two seemingly unrelated stories but it'd be nice to have some consistency nevertheless.
Anyway, nice job. I look forward to the next episode. I have to read it anyway. You left this one on a major cliffhanger.
* Buck and Conn have a bit of shared history, so had no need to bargain. They just understand each other, for the most part. Or at least, it was supposed to be implied -- and that scene was already running long. But it's not clear, is it? I see that now, so thanks. * A filly is a young female horse. At least, I think so. Check with Tomson. * Primus has gotta show up now so -- when he shows up later at a crucial point -- the reader is not, like, "Who the heck is that guy?" But yes, he does need a voice, doesn't he? * The Spanish thing just kind of evolved when I was considering changing his name to Helio. And I still might. (I don't think he'll mind...) But, yeah...it's just something fun to play with.
Thanks again for some good stuff to consider during rewrite. Especially that voice thing. I gotta think about that.
Kind of funny!!?! You know it was hilarious? Just admit it! I'm sure i will like them. I've liked everything else you've written and you're a great writer. I'll have a review for each episode up by saturday.
Actually Bert, I'm not very happy with chapter two.
I understand that you're trying to do a movie serial-type series with Starbuck Starr. In order for you to do this, you should find some old movie serials on DVD. They don't have to be westerns. Back in the day, they had science fiction, western, superhero, cop and robber, etc. These serials were designed to bring the movie going back the following week. After all, how did Flash Gordon escape when his ship was blown up by Ming the Merciless? Well, you have to come back and find out.
Chapter two (and chapter one for that matter) were both too long. Each chapter should be ten to fifteen pages long as these serials were the shorts before the first feature. And each of these chapters was filled with action and suspense. For the first fourteen pages, all we have is a lot of talking.
I understand that you want to show the whole posse formed. My question is, what's the rush? Stretch it out over two or three chapters. Put at least two action sequences in each chapter and have them end with a cliff hanger. We're in no rush to read Buck capture Moloch. Don't rush writing it. Put some story arcs in it
Regarding Three-Claw. You should've identified him as such in the first chapter, even if no one calls him that. We, as the reader, are entitled to know.
You're going to have to explain some of Conn's motivation. Why doesn't he just sneak off, especially after seeing what he's up against.
Now for some nit-picking....
Research handcuffs for the period. Make sure that Conn could actually open them.
Page thirteen: Kipple hits the correct button? Is it that easy? More detail here.
Is Eleven supposed to be your version of 7 of 9? I'm annoyed by her.
Page fourteen:When Conn has his sights on Eleven, would he really be that close to her. If I was him, I'd be far away from anyone I'm pointing a pistol at just so they can't do anything.
Page twenty-seven: An open train car filled with saw dust? How long before the wind blows that away?
Page 30: Referring to the earlier encounter regarding Moloch's scar. Bozo no-no!
I recommend that you take these two chapters and make them five or six shorter chapters. Take your time with the story. As long as there's plenty of action, people will like it. Look at Raiders of the Lost Ark.
I’m planning on reading this (sometime). I’m assuming this is meant to be a television program. Is that right? I’ve got to say I’m not really much for reading a series (which is odd for someone who works in television -- haha. I think it’s because it’s so difficult for me to keep up with the story of something on television because I can’t watch at the same time every week.) But you’re an excellent writer, so you’ve sparked my interest.
Anyway, I noticed the first episode is 22 pages and the second episode is 41. That would make the pilot episode a half hour on television and episode 2 an hour. Is this what you intended?
Thank you, Phil. Your criticisms are always appreciated, and I really can't argue with them -- they are all fair and well-supported -- other than to defend a wee bit by saying that this is not a "traditional" serial -- even though it is very clearly labeled as a "serial" so a lot of that is my fault I suppose.
But this will not go on forever.
I am writing a feature and releasing it in "chunks" -- that will be pasted together sometime down the road -- utilizing feedback that I receive now on the individual pieces.
There will only be 5-7 episodes in total, and later, I can go in and make trims based upon what has and has not worked with the audience that looks at it now -- in its nascent form.
A few quick, specific responses:
Quoted from dogglebe
1) Research handcuffs for the period. Make sure that Conn could actually open them.
2) Page thirteen: Kipple hits the correct button? Is it that easy? More detail here.
3) Page twenty-seven: An open train car filled with saw dust? How long before the wind blows that away?
4) Page 30: Referring to the earlier encounter regarding Moloch's scar. Bozo no-no!
1) Did that -- and he can. I can even tell you how it's done if you want to know
2) From Episode 1, Kipple has already discovered the correct button.
3) Hmmm.....
4) Just trying to jog the reader's memory regarding events from Episode 1 (see comment #2, for example). Things like this will be gone from the "formal" script to be developed later.
Thanks again, Phil.
And thanks for the interest, Brea. The first coupla' paragraphs to Phil were also sort of a response to you.
Bert, I can go either way on this. First, I enjoyed chapter 2 very much, but after reading this, I can't help but feel that this would work better as one feature, which I'll get to in my review.
So don't get me wrong, 41 pages and I enjoyed each one. For the most part, the characters lived up to my expectations after reading chapter one. Buck reminds me of Ralph from "Lord of the Flies." He's the leader who respects his group and gets respect in return and overall seems very relaxed throughout. Conn reminded me of Owen Wilson's character from "Shanghai Noon," so he was obviously very enjoyable as well.
But then the Kipples were kind of left out of this one. They had their lines, but their performances were limited. Same deal with Three-Claw, but I guess in a way that's sort of expected. Lonely Indian following a bunch of white people along on a journey with big-mouthed Conn...I guess there isn't much for him to say in the first place.
Something tells me that there's a past link that connects Three-Claw, Coyote, Conn, and Emily. We already know some of the history between Coyote and Conn, but something tells me there's more. Speaking of which, I don't recommend consulting online translators for your Espanol. Spanish is a complex language with dozens of different meanings, so I'd ask a fluent speaker. But anyway, I laughed several times with Coyote's lines. Maybe there will be a bond between him and Moloch in the future?
The train action sequence was awesome. Your vivid descriptions enhanced the storytelling for me very much. I was able to picture my head Moloch flying through that fireball, very awesome. And hey, I laughed at the line "And so, I release you...to the oblivion!" haha. I'm a very troubled individual, I think we've established this.
Back to my main criticism. I really think this would work better as a feature. Episode one established the setting, the problem, and most of the main characters and episode 2 jumped into building onto the problem and the rising action but the first 15 pages or so felt rushed. I guess that goes with the territory of writing a series. Episode one ended, then episode 2 jumps right into this and I felt that I need more, whether it being more background of some of the characters, or storytelling, etc.
But on the other hand, you left us on a huge cliffhanger and I am eager to see how this all unfolds. So, Bert, chapter 2 was a very enjoyable experience and I, along with many others I'm sure, are looking forward to chapter 3. Well done.
I really think this would work better as a feature.
You know, I appreciate what you are saying here. Phil said kinda' the same thing, in a different way, and looking back over this I am in complete agreement with you both.
I am thinking now that "feature" pacing does not necessarily translate well into "serial" pacing.
Phil tossed out "Raiders of the Lost Ark" as an example, and I thought about that. Right up front you have the bang-up opening in that jungle temple (this would be episode 1), but this is followed by that longish, dullish patch where Indiana is teaching his class and talking with those government guys about the ark.
You don't really flinch at this in a feature -- you expect it, and are patient because you know more is coming -- but if this were the opening to a "second episode", it would seem kind of dry. And I think that is what is going on here.
I'll see this project through, but doubt I will try something like this again. These are two different forms of storytelling for a reason. Note to people considering a similar approach.
So thanks for your comments, Greg. As for the Spanish thing, I'm not too worried as long as I've got Mr. Z and Helio around (I first envisioned Conn exactly as you saw it, but Z sees Conn as that Sawyer guy from "Lost" -- and I think I like that better.)