Quoted from bert (I first envisioned Conn exactly as you saw it, but Z sees Conn as that Sawyer guy from "Lost" -- and I think I like that better.)

Roy O'Bannon can kick Sawyer's ass

Hey Bert,

I read episode one, I will do episode two tomorrow since I'm stuck in front of my pc this weekend.

I would never ever have read anything called series, sci-fi, western had it not been for your kind comments to my piece a month or so ago. You know what? I liked this! I liked it better than "The Farm". The Farm was very well written, as was this and I know a lot of people think it's the best horror script at SS, but it just didn't do much for me. This one, I don't know, somehow it just kept me interested. VERY nice descriptions. I could visualize everything. I whish I could express myself like you do, but I can't.

The reason I'm going to read episode two tomorrow is I can't wait to see what happens when Eleven shows up.

Just out of curiosity; did you ever read Dragon Tears by Dean Koontz? Moloch reminds me of that character (can't remember his name right now).

Very Cool Bert.

EPISODE ONE


Alright Bert pretty much i see where this is heading. And it is definitly in a good direction. I have not read the other reviews so if i state something that was in one of the other reviews then i am sorry. And if i don't that prolly means i didn't notice it.

All the characters in the script were amazing. And i mean amazing but the bad guy should be done better. If i were to take every character in your story and try my best to describe them, the bad guy would be the hardest because i don't believe he was drawn out the best. it was good don't get me wrong but seeing these other characters, i know you can do better.

Your INT. and EXT. lines dont make much sense. I forget what they exactly said but read over them and you will see what i mean.

Everything else is amazing. I think at least haha.

i'll give this a 9/10.

I'll review the 2nd soon.

Quoted from greg Roy O'Bannon can kick Sawyer's ass

You better be referring to that guy from Lost.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe You better be referring to that guy from Lost.

Hey -- is this a thinly-veiled "Linus" plug?  On my thread?  May the curse of Holman be upon you!

Tomson:  Horror doesn't speak to everybody -- and that's cool -- but I am glad you like this one so far.  I've read some Koontz, but not that one.  I'll have to check that out for myself.

Andrew:  Moloch was supposed to be, like, this ultimate evil guy -- but as the story progressed, I was surprised to find him becoming kind of comical, in a way.  I went with that, but perhaps it weakened his character a bit.  I'll think about that.

Hey, guess who finally read it. I should really pick up on this quicker. I owe you so many reads, I'll never pay you back fully, but here's what I got on this one.

SPOILER ALERT

Only had two page number comments, since most of my comments are more general.

5: It has been a little while since I read the first episode, so I am catching up on character names and how they are labeled. You indicated Emily Kipple at the top of the page and then Kipple was listed as a dialogue header. I assumed it was Emily, but then learned via description further down the page that it is the old man she was with in the last episode...oops. Each episode should be treated as a new script so new characters need to be introduced anew, even minimally using all caps for their first appearace.

19: Shame on you, using "we" like that.

It's kind of difficult to comment on this at this stage. I feel like some of this will get a later payoff, but here's some thoughts on this episode.

The opening scene is a clear setup for Emily's feelings towards Three Claw, but this setup never really pays off. She makes some side glances to him, but it never really pays off at any time.

You did a good job picking up where you left off and driving on full force with the plot. The prime weakness here is you either took off too quick or you didn't slow down enough.

I actually felt like the balance between plot and character was decent, but needs more character focus. While the characters you introduced previously didn't really devlop further, you did work somewhat to develop the newer ones or those we haven't spent time with much. Eleven is still a bit thin, though. She seems to be all work and no play, but we need more to relate to so her falling into a big explosion means something. Conn is decently developed for this stage since nothing much happens to him that doesn't happen to Emily and Kipple. You need to focus on rounding out your characters more than the plot at this point. The plot flowed real well, I thought, and it looks like you have that reigned in for the long haul.

Moloch and Barbos got very little time in this one, which is ok, since they didn't do much either besides make a big mess. We need a little time with them at some point to understand more of the big villain. Villains should be as well rounded as the hero, who is also currently a bit thin, since Starr showed up near the end of Ep 1, and in Ep 2 did a bunch of stuff, but never gave us a chance to connect with him.

The introduction to the new characters just showing up was good and it should be interesting to see them blend in with everyone else.

I like how this is flowing and personally, I can see the serial in it. I believe if you step back for a moment here and there and give us a chance to really connect with these characters you've created, the whole thing will mean a lot more. Right now, it's all about the plot.

Bert,

I'm sure you would prefer some of the younger, male SS members to praise you (maybe they have already) but all I can offer is a bad tempered, weird woman to do it.

I honestly do enjoy this. I've now read part 1 and 2 pretty close together, so I'm seeing this more like a full length, rather than a series. I'm not sure how you feel about that.

Anyways, Spoilers ahead:

In my book the technicality of your script is flawless.

I'll be honest with you, but the beginning of the script, I didn't like, but then Emily turned into her present self and I forgave you and went along with it.

I REALLY like your posse. Probably we're seeing them totally different (who cares), but I have Conn as Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise. I thought he was hot there (then he went down hill).

Do you have Buck's contact info? So far, he seems like my kinda dude.

Emily's, my kind of woman, I see injustice or a threat and my AK and I are ready.

Nice dialogue! Right spacing too.

I'd like to see Eleven and Kipple get something going, I know they're not the same, but it works for me.

You did Coyote well.

Bert, I'm not trying to butter you up here, I don't really care what you think of me, but I think you've got something here. So far it's actually a nice, but unusual story. Yeah the basic story has been told before, but Sci-fi-western? Good job, I do hope the right people will read it.

You know how to write action too? Pretty good for someone at FSU.

Nice job!

Hope others will read it as well.

TomSon  

I'll check out episode 2 and give you a review this week Bert.

Quoted from George Willson The prime weakness here is you either took off too quick or you didn't slow down enough.

What?  Everybody else gets these really insightful Willson comments...and I get this...?

Kidding aside, thanks for the comments, George.  I actually kinda' know what you mean, and it's from struggling to squeeze a feature into serial clothes.  You are right that some things are being set up for a later payoff, and I am learning that this does not always translate well into a serialized method of storytelling.

And I am also worried I may be trying to juggle too many characters.  They are distinct, I think, but it is very difficult to find enough for all of them to do.  This series thing is tougher than it looks, and I have new appreciation for those who can do it well.

And I knew that page 19 transition was pushing things.  I'm surprised you didn't mention the "tooth"/"sun" thing, too.  Some of this stuff is just me playing, and will likely be gone from the finished product.

------

Tomson:  Why is everybody "casting" Conn?  That's so weird.  I've never had comments like that before, but now, you are like the third one with something different.  I like it though.  It helps me feel that his character is working.

And your perspective is more welcome than you might think.  "Young male" comments are a dime a dozen around here.  But weird, cranky ladies?  Now there is a unique perspective from a sought-after demographic, and it lends your thoughts additional weight.  So thanks.

And I'm telling you -- I am a Gator trapped here amongst the savages!!  Ya' gotta believe me!

-----------

Oh..and thanks, Andrew.

Quoted from bert What?  Everybody else gets these really insightful Willson comments...and I get this...?

Oy, yeah that's confusing. To elaborate on what I was trying to say (it was all in my head, but I was having trouble spitting it out), you either begin a story by kicking it into high gear and leaving development for later, or you develop at the beginning and then go non-stop till you're done (the latter being Stephen King's personal favorite). After you hook people, it's just a personal choice of the writer. In episode 2, you started right into the plot and never backed off enough to get us into the characters. Hence you either need to slow down at the beginning enough to give us some time to get acquainted, or you need to slow down somewhere in the middle to get us acquainted. Right now, you have lots and lots of plot with minimal character time.

Maybe that makes more sense. Then again, I could have been off my nut last night too...probably explains the bazooka in my face.

Bert you asked me if the beginning was slow? Frankly I loved the beginning though I do think you over-describe certain scenes and at time it distracts one from the story but that's how you write, you're a visual guy and I won't hang you for it.

I've read the first 10 pages so far, since it's 40 pages I thought I'd let you know I'm reading it because I have a habit of telling people I'll read it and about 3 weeks later I finally do. It's like a delayed action and my brain just stops on me.

I'll try to read the rest today or tomorrow morning as I'm finding it flowing along nicely but those descriptions shouldn't go on so long for a simple action... You'd be a great action writer which is probably where this series is heading once I read on and stop typing... right now.

So I’m not going to go into spelling as George probably did that already… I’m going to be straight up and tell you what I like and what I don’t like.

Buck works, he’s a flawed hero but he just fits. Now Emily is kind of useless to me as a reader, one minute she’s all I’m this way the next she’s one of the guys and I don’t see this in my head.

She’s John Kerry, just not as smart, ugly or manly.

Why didn’t Conn take the handcuffs off earlier if he’s so magical? He seems to be a great man of magic one moment and a blithering comedic pause the next.

Wow you just unloaded a big detail on us about the history of there earth, cool idea and well pulled off.

One of your scene headings is two people’s names… how do they have an exterior or interior?

I sense this like Buffy The Vampire Slayer but in the old west ha-ha I know that sounds a bit odd but that’s how it feels. You’ve got a blend of action and comedy much like Buffy.

Damn I hate those endings where you leave people wanting more, can you just tell me what happens. I mean it’d be pointless to kill any of the main characters (Maybe Three-Claw) but certainly not the others.  I’m intrigued to find out how they survive.

The Wrath of Moloch hahah.  Great title.  Makes me think Wrath of Khan, of course.  Moloch is a big supporting character in a script of mine, by the way.  

Page 2:  Small thing.  Tiny thing.  "We've got a code 4 in the Max room."  To increase the urgent feeling of this, I'd cut the "We've got a".  

Page 4:  I'd like it more if 117 said "Annex 12", and it was Eleven who said, "That's Moloch"...makes her look a little more on top of things, perhaps.  

"Give my regards...to the inferno!"  That's one of the best moments of writing I've seen on this site.  I'd love to see this on film just for that line.

The writing is fantastic.  It's big and colorful and action-packed and it keeps you interested...I notice I didn't make a single note once the story really kicked in.

But I've got a problem with Buck.  He's well written, he's funny, and he's got style...but he doesn't have his own style.  Now I don't have a problem with over-the-top stereotypes in a story like this...Moloch's a fairly archetypical villain, Kipple's a bit archetypal himself, and so on.  But Buck, really, as the protagonist...he's the kind of character that everyone can write to some degree, you know?  I just hope that he turns out to have an interesting little fatal flaw, and that it's not that he's brave and bold in every way except for dealing with Emily romantically.  I think Buck needs a little more to him right off the bat, or coming up soon.  You have so much action crammed in here that there's not really much of a character hook for anybody...it's all plot hooks.  This works for most of the characters because they're characters we're used to, but so far, Buck is boring (to me).  He needs something.

But maybe I've spoken too soon.  Let's see how episode two goes.  

Page 2:  I think we might be getting a little TOO classic with everything.  I called the arrow in the dad's chest, including stupid expression, before it happened.  Onto page 3, I also predicted the arrow in the mother's arm before it happened.  This is a scene I've seen too many times.

Page 6:  "You're all that I have...everything that I've ever known."  Your dialogue moves at such a lightning pace that even this much exposition sticks out for me.  

Page 9:  No-one reacts to "prestidigitation"?

Page 16:  Did Moloch actually eat children?  They sacrificed the children of Ammon to him, this I know, but I have no recollection of him "eating" children.  Sorry, I've got all this random stuff about angels in my head so when people mention them I get excited.

Pages 18 to 20 or so:  Great idea for a transition.  Modern directors would love it...just composite the hell out of that sucker!

I really like the character of Barbos.  Despite him being the "dumb servant" type, I think that you manage to give him an interesting twist...all in subtext, too,  Very nice.

Page 21:  Eleven's pretty badass to get snagged by a couple rustlers.

Page 22:  "You killed my cat!"  Great line.  The postcedeing line is great too actually.

Page 23:  The rest of the group are pretty heavy sleepers, I guess.

So Coyote hit Conn in the head and left it at that?  I don't get it.

Page 29:  No Coyote's trying to kill them?  Why didn't he just kill Conn then and there?  If he's firing indiscriminately at Conn now, he can't care about finding that money too much.

Good god, man!  

I think we need a nice quiet little character interchange here when they're all sitting around the fire.  Then another in the morning post-Coyote.  

If you keep it at this pace people are gonna be dying left and right in theaters.  Too much story, not enough character.  The action scenes would be great to watch, but I don't see much character sympathy for the main characters - Emily is an easy one because people want to see her naked, and Kipple is very likeable, but other than that, I don't know, it all seems so shallow.

Even Indiana Jones has some heavier overtones with the character stuff, so that we're really drawn into the characters and care for them.

I also think that there's a lack of a main goal.  Sure, the posse's trying to hunt down Moloch, but that's not much of a goal, especially since Moloch is so much more powerful.  I think we should establish earlier exactly what Moloch plans to do when he reaches Wadsworth, so that when we see all this stuff happening, it's like the posse is trying to save the whole world.  Imagine how much more exciting the train sequence would be if it's not only their lives hanging in balance...but, subsequently, the fate of the world or universe.

I don't know.  It seems to be lacking that straight A to B plot line, because the characters  spend more time getting jerked around and reacting to the actions of others than they do acting on things themselves.  

But I really enjoyed reading this.  The train action sequence was superbly written.

I'm back with another suggestion.

I have a problem with what I feel are cliches in your script.  I've already mentioned that.  But...

I love the idea of a sci-fi western.  I have a sci-fi horror western in the back of my mind, and I hope it works out as well.  But here's what I'm going to suggest for Starbuck Starr.

The western cliches are hard to avoid sometimes...and they do spring really nicely off the page.  They're something everyone can enjoy.  What if, however...what if you developed Moloch and the sci-fi element a whole lot more?  Gave him more screen time?  What if you had Moloch and Eleven seriously examine this world, react to what things have become since the initial "imprisoning", and really try to take a serious look at our earth...through the eyes of pure evil, and of course, the eyes of good.  You could use the unique blend of genres to springboard off the traditional plot and character scenarios of one, and the opportunities for creativity and serious thematic questions of the other.

I think that would be really cool, lend a little weight to the script, and still keep audiences really interested.  Eleven could observe little humanities, and also little conflicts, as well as getting used to some of the 'big' ideas of the world, while they're on their quest.  I'd also love to see a scene where Moloch was confronted with a display of pure love or generosity or humanity...I'd like to see how he would react to that.

I don't know.  Maybe that's too far from your vision of this thing.  But...as a feature?  That's where I'd love to see this go.  Not enough to lose the fun mood, mind you...just enough so that critics would say "A summer blockbuster with heart" rather than "A noisy action-fest".