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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Starbuck Starr Moderators: bert
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  Author    Starbuck Starr  (currently 14202 views)
bert
Posted: March 12th, 2006, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks Heretic.  It was nice to find your thoughts on this story this morning.  Aside from some of your smaller points (Coyote's turnabout, cliches, some dialogue -- all helpful, thanks), I've got a couple of chatty responses to toss out there, too.

[Responses are specific to Heretic's posts:]

Buck:  I have also noticed something lacking in him. He's got "Shelton Syndrome", where you invest too much in supporting characters and neglect your main guy.  I toyed with making Buck something of a drunk (recall how we first meet him in the saloon, passed out on the bar), but that angle always became too dark, doing his character more harm than good.  I'm hoping the opportunity for a flaw will emerge later, then I can come back and introduce it earlier once I've got a handle on it.

Moloch (since you asked):  What I got from my research (by no means extensive) was that statues of Moloch were constructed like large furnaces, and the arms popped the kids right into his mouth like Skittles.  It's a cool story -- in a gruesome kind of way.  Maybe I'll have Kipple or Emily supply a few more details on this.

Other characters:  Emily naked?  I would ask you not to think of my girls in such vulgar terms.  (A little risque later -- maybe).  And you like Barbos, too?  That's cool.  At least there is somebody that everyone seems to agree upon.

Your Final Post:  That's where the meat is, and some of this has already occurred to me.  But you are a bit prescient, and are getting ahead of me.  This is third act stuff -- but I am glad I'll have your thoughts regarding this on board when I get there.  Thanks for that.

And the "goal" hasn't really emerged yet.  This is something of a long lead in to that -- you're right -- but it's coming soon, along with a fairly large change in venue.  I don't know how much you followed the WIP thread for this, but in the very near future we will be moving back into space...

Thanks for your thoughts, Chris.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert  -  March 13th, 2006, 12:49pm
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Heretic
Posted: March 12th, 2006, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Emily naked?  I would ask you not to think of my girls in such vulgar terms.


It comes from my day job as a truck unloader haha.  You should hear those guys...it's like The Aristocrats all day long.

In seriousness, though, you know what I mean, right?  My point was that, sad but true, character sympathy is a lot easier on film with an attractive man/woman.

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Martin
Posted: March 13th, 2006, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Damn it! I just wrote a lengthy review, misclicked and lost it. I'll try again.

I'm enjoying this series, Bert, but I have to agree with others that it's more suited to a feature than a series (which I gather is what you planned anyway).

I liked the opening scene with Emily. It's good to see you've taken people's advice and devoted more time to her character. The scene is very well written as usual. But I have to agree with whoever said it felt somewhat cliched. The little girl, the tea party, the mother hiding her away to keep her safe. It did feel like something I'd seen before. Then again, there's a fine line between 'tried and tested' and cliche. I enjoyed it, but you might want to shoot for something more original. Play with our expectations a bit.

The next section moves a little slower, but you're developing your characters so that's fine. I like Conn's introduction. He's likeable right off the bat. One problem I see is that you have so many supporting characters (and several more pop up later). It gets confusing at times, especially during action scenes where it's hard to keep track of where everyone is.

Also, Buck's character seems to be lost amid all these quirky supporting roles. It doesn't really feel like his story. He doesn't have enough screentime IMO, and his character suffers for it. He needs to be something more than just a sharp shooting Sherriff. Given the series' title, the story should revolve around him and he should be driving the action. As it is, he's one of many protagonists, and one of the least interesting so far.

You introduce the bandits and the action plays out well, but I'm wondering if you really need them. You've established your antagonistic force, yet you sidetrack to another antagonist. I see you bring them together at the end, but I think you need to reign in the amount of characters you're introducing. I like Coyote though, reminds me of a certain Brazilian

Conn's line "This is for Fluffy" cracked me up. I think he's emerged as my favorite alongside Barbos.

You introduce this Primus guy, but there's no pay-off. I gather that's coming later, but you might be better served sticking with aliens vs. cowboys and leave the bandits out of it. Especially if this is going to become a feature. Just a thought.

I'm still uncertain about Buck. It seems like you're having a lot of fun with the other characters while neglecting your protagonist. I'm sure you'll find the answer to his character soon enough.

Anyway, this is all good stuff. It's a fun read and you have some great characters, but you need to work on Buck.
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Martin
Posted: March 13th, 2006, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Reading back a few posts, I think Heretic's given you some great advice. I agree with pretty much everything he said.
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Heretic
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Quoted Text
Reading back a few posts, I think Heretic's given you some great advice. I agree with pretty much everything he said.


See?  Martin wants to see Emily naked too.

Actually, Martin pointed out something that was in my mind while I was reading, but that I guess I forgot.  I agree that, while the bandits were nicely used, it is a big - and, at this point needless - complication in my opinion.  Maybe one way to give the audience some breathing room would be to cut down the number of characters.

This is hard to suggest because I do like Coyote, but...well, they better really throw something special into the next episode.
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Scoob
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Hi Bert,
I have read part one of this series and will definitly be reading the second, but as it now here is what I jotted down as I read this.

I think the description of the characters early on are really good, Barbos is a great name and it fits his description aptly.
As I've found with everything I have read from you so far, the descriptions are excellent - can really picture the scene you have set.
The creature is interesting and his escape from his confinement was, well, again well described.

Moloch, although very early in the script, is a character I personally like! The way he tosses the knife back to Eleven as if mocking her lets us know this monster's characteristics early on. It sets the rest of the script up very interestingly.

I think the description of Emily was perfect.

"Fetch the horses Emily, and my trousers!" That made me chuckle, so far so good!

Buck, obviously the main character, is well introduced and the gun fight with The Prospector (Moloch) was well written. I think you did a great job in describing what would be seen in seconds very well.

Barbos and the horse is amusing, leading to Moloch being hit with the whisky bottle. I really enjoyed the transformation as he then takes flight. I would say the best scene so far.

The whole Indian- Buck- Horse scene was funny and entertaining.

All in all, excellent! I will read the second part tommorow and I expect it to be just as entertaining as this was.

Great job Bert,






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bert
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the read, Scoob.  That was a nice surprise!  I've been trying to pull episode 3 together, but I've been pretty busy, too, so it might be a little while still.

I don't know how many of the other comments you've read, but Barbos seems to be the only character everyone can agree upon.  Maybe he should have his own show haha.

Hope the second episode delivers for you when you get a chance to give it a look.  The last 10 pages or so are one, long extended action sequence that I am pretty proud of, with a pretty decent cliffhanger, too.

Looking forward to SOTD II (which I would have looked at anyways, of course) -- I am waiting for a block of time where I can go through it in one read, and then I'll let ya' know what I think.


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Scoob
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No worries Bert, it was enjoyable and fun and I should have got round to reading a lot sooner.
As well as Barbos, I like the character of Moloch the most, I always like the bad guys, that's just me! Buck is going to bring in a lot of comedy aswell I expect so the second part should be as good.

Im looking forward to reading more and I will do that now and hopefully come back with a little write up later.




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Scoob
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I'll go through this without reading anyone else's comments so I apologize in advance if my comments have already been mentioned.

The opening was quite shocking with the little girl's dad being killed straight away but I was a little confused over the mention of several more men falling victim to the killer arrows. There was no previous mention of other people in the wagon or any other wagons beforehand...I went back and re-read this part and you do state it is a wagon train, but no mention of these other guys that are shot down.

Apart from that, the opening scenes are really well written again. It's so quick flowing and a really good way to show some of Emily's past.

If one of the characters, or Three-Claw himself, does not mention his name then how would we know what it is other then you telling us in writing? Im probably nit picking here(and Im a fine one to try and be a critic) but I thought it was worth a mention.

Buck is very similar to Ash from the Evil Dead! Well, at least thats the impression I got when he's sorting out all his guns and talking to Kipple. It might also be that I think you described him as similar to him in part one. This is a positive thing, I think the dialouge is quick witted and funny.

Excellent dialouge in the cell scene with Conn's introduction and the group getting to know each other's characters. You describe this seemingly so easily.

Eleven's reintroduction was great, a nicely written segment of action there, Bert! Dialouge is really amusing!

The fight with the bandits was a good way to get the group more bonded together and not to mention some action as well!

The action on the train is really well done and entertaining, I guess this is the action scene you were referring to. It's quick, fast and bloody funny! "This is for fluffy!"
It's non stop and wow, this really would be something to see on the big screen let alone a series. Excellent job Bert on such a long sequence and managing to carry it out without droning it out.

Oh man, you had to leave the ending like that?? Damn! Great ending but frustrating also!

It definitly leads me to want to read the next part.

All in all, great, I think it was exciting, adventurous and fun. Lot of witty humour and one liners which really made this work in my view.
So how many parts do you have planned for this series, and when is the next one coming along?



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bert
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Scoob.  You know, a lot of people weren't too crazy with the way the second episode opened.  The next one will also open with a similar piece of backstory, but if that one gets similar reviews, I may or may not drop that technique -- which is kind of half-stolen from "Lost", and I think it works pretty good there.

And since we are on my thread, I'll do a little off-topic editorializing, too.

It was very cool to see this up for the "Simply Whatever It's Called 2006" stuff -- many thanks to whoever -- but I am not sure this 60+ pages stands up to the other bodies of work up there.  And it's a shame that "Expect No Mercy" didn't find it's way onto that list -- Zavier is doing a hell of a job with that series -- and it's too bad it doesn't get more looks.  Anyways, some stuff for potential voters to consider.

And Scoob -- did you notice SOTD is up there on that list for horror?  Good job, man.  Thanks for the read-through on this.  I hope to look at SOTD II before too long.


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Kevan
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Bert

Read Starbuck Starr: Episode One and here my thoughts.. The praise is at the end of the second post as I had to split the post due to the large amount of text..

All pages:

Your shot/action descriptions over-use words which end with "ing" in them and I reckon your script would read much better is you wrote them in the present tense.. At the moment, these words with "ing" in them read in the past tense which makes them static, know what I mean?

Its just when writing action scenes the use of Action verbs or Power verbs work better, read better and keep the action moving forward and provide better momentum, movement and flow to the whole thing..

Here's an example:

Page #1

INT. STAR CRUISER - HALLWAY

A shambling, misshapen brute, squat, with huge arms, pushes
a cleaning cart with rattling wheels.  He wears what looks
to be little more than a glorified diaper.

The brute approaches a fat guard, who stands before a large
door that is both imposing and secure.

An example of improving Action/Power verbs:

INT. STAR CRUISER - HALLWAY - DAY (you missed time of day on your slug)

A shambles of a misshapen brute, squat, with huge arms, pushes
a cleaning cart, the wheels rattle. He wear what looks
to be little more than a glorified diaper.

Here's another example where your action/power verbs can be modified so they improve forward movement and momentum:

PAGE #2

Barbos steps to the keypad, stabbing at it with sausage
fingers.  He struggles with the numbers, but gets it right.

Example as an improvement:

Barbos steps to the keypad, stabs at it with his saugage
fingers. He struggles with the numbers, but gets it right.

All I've done is add the word "his" and changed "stabbing" to "stabs" and already it reads better with regard to action verbs.

Okay, I'm gonna piss you off here, here's one final example:

PAGE #2

Encased in this block is a large, dark creature; humanoid,
but also amorphous, as if rippling.  It seems more shadow
than substance.

Barbos steps to the block and caresses it, peering inside,
where the creature’s red eyes are alert, staring back.

Turning now, Barbos snatches a tarp from off his cart,

And the improved edited corrected verbs:

Encased in this block is a large, dark creature; humanoid,
but also amorphous, as if it ripples.  It seems more shadow
than substance.

Barbos steps to the block and caresses it, he peers inside.

The creature’s red eyes are alert and stares back.

Barbos turns now, snatches a tarp from off his cart,
which reveals a large, plastic barrel.

Sorry Bert, but you could go through your complete script and improve every page using the examples I've written here..

I personally reckon doing this will actually lift your script up a notch and make it more enjoyable a read for the reader..

You can completly ignore this advice if you don't agree or you can take note, have a go at adopting these ideas and try and impliment them in another re-write. It's faily painless to do and you'll get a lot out of it..

More in the next post below:

Kev
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Kevan
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Followed on from previous post above..

PAGE #3

He cracks the barrel on the block like an egg.

Wouldn't it read better if for example you wrote:

He breaks the barrel on the block, it cracks like an egg.

Just a thought..

Barbos basks in its praise like a puppy.

I think this line doesn't read correctly..

"Like a puppy" implies we know what you mean without a mention of the description of the metapor only the end of the metaphor's line..

For speeds sake I reckon you missed the full meaning and unfortunatly the correct meaning of this line is lost..

If an alien read this line it wouldn't know what you mean..

Now if you write the line like this:

"like a well-behaved puppy"..

An alien would know exactly what you mean, myself included..

She is attractive and fit.  Her jet-black hair is cropped
severely short.

I know what you mean, just, with the above line, but I still think you could be a little more elaborate here with her bio description..

She is attractive and athletically fit, her jet-black hair
is cropped severely short.

With the above suggested amendment I would understand the character works out, does gym or lifts weights and or even jogs or something..

PAGE #13

I really love these lines and how they link to each other. They tell us his name, who he is and his position in town but amusingly they are corrupted by the alien in the Prospector's shoes and no doubt this is his space name to be too.. Very cool indeed.. You dialogue is execllent..

BUCK
Means I’m the law around here.
The Sheriff.  Name’s Starr.
Buck Starr.

PROSPECTOR
How unfortunate for you then,
Sheriff Starbuck Starr...

PAGE #14

Buck draws.  Fast.  I mean, this guy is like lightning.

I remember a previous posting which criticized the "lightening" word featured in this script and was eager to spot it.. I don't think it's a problem myself but maybe a suggestion, it may sound and read better like so:

Buck draws.  I mean, this guy is like, lightning Fast..

Dunno, what do you think?

Just thought I'd throw that suggestion your way..

PAGE #15

Loved the scene where Barbos smells the horses ass and you cut to the horses reaction of same - very funny!!!

PAGE #17

I'm not altogether sure about some stuff in the INT. SALOON scene..

INT. SALOON

Buck jerks at the sound of an O.S. GUNSHOT.

He turns.  The Indian holds a smoking revolver.

He has shot the horse.

The Indian looks up at Buck.

INDIANT
The beast was in agony.
(motions with the gun)
Your weapon.  I hope you do
not mind.

The Indian tosses the gun back to Buck.  Buck catches it
smoothly and slips it back into his holster.

BUCK
Thanks.

If Buck jerks at the sound of a gunshot, why do you need to mention that it is O.S.?

If it is only the sound you describe then it is already ofscreen and you don't need to write the "O.S." bit..

Next line you've written:

He Turns. The Indian holds a smoking revolver.

I am assuming you refer to this as a side shot so we can see both characters in the same frame. Either that or over the shoulder shot where we are behind Buck and we see the Indian standing there with the smoking gun?

A little confusing I grant you..

In master scene terms I would be more direct with my description like so:

Buck jerks at the sound of a gunshot. He slowly turns around.

The Indian holds a smoking revolver.

We now know exactly what you mean and can see it from one shot to another as we cut from Buck to the Indian, that's the payoff.

In the next couple of lines of description again you've jumbled two shots together me thinks..

The Indian tosses the gun back to Buck.  Buck catches it
smoothly and slips it back into his holster.

It should read:

The Indian tosses the gun back to Buck.

Buck catches it smoothly and slips it back into his holster.

The above come across a two camera shots rather than a single shot. Unless that is what you had in mind.

Moreover, you could split this even further into three camera shots and have the gun sliding into Buck's holser in a close-up like so:

The Indian tosses the gun back to Buck.

Buck catches it smoothly.

Buck's hand slips it back into his holster.

For me, one of the genre highpoints is seeing the pistol being drawn fast, you've done that, but also being casually placed back in it's holser.. Preferable with a twizzling around the finger showoff thingy..

Just another way of looking at something.. Again, just another suggestion..

PAGE #18

Buck's line:

BUCK
I reckon somebody oughta.

he is actually cut off in mid sentence by the Indian and should read:

BUCK
I reckon somebody oughta...

You wrote this correctly on his next line after fiddling with the laser.

You know this of course, the three periods signify being interrupted...

Overall this is a great opening for a potential T.V. series. Great characters, excellent dialogue, and very funny humor. I like the dull Barbos character, he's funny. I like Buck, he's my hero and I just love the characters and unfolding drama in the Saloon, you're a born western writer Bert, way cool..

I can see where you're going with this and with a little pile of shit, sorry,  I mean a polish it here and there I reckon this script would be as tight as a crab's arse.

I love the final couple of scenes, they flow effortlessly from one to the other telling the story as it unfolds both for the characters and ourselves the reader.. I really like how the characters, who will be employed in the next installment, didn't know this fate lay in store for themselves, it’s a great set-up..

I can really see this series being optioned from you at some point.. Sure can..

Still think you need to do a re-write on this Bert. Not for the sake of it but to make it better. To improve on the little things I've pointed out. These are only small gripes. Apart from these things I've mentioned you have a great piece of work here. You really are a great writer and your ideas sure are wacky but at the same time not too wacky, they're believable, funny and entertaining, and that's what counts..

Don't take this stuff I've said too seriously Bert, it's all hints and tips man. Another way of writing stuff and offered as help from me to you my friend.. Well done, man.. I really like this and want to read more.. Where's the next one.. Oh, here it is..

Kev

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bert
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Quoted from Kevan
....tight as a crab's arse.


Honesty, Kev...sometimes I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.

But seriously, thank you for what amounts to a fantastic batch of genuinely helpful comments.  In fact, as far as that "power verbs" thing goes, I am right there with you.

I had noticed you and Cindy discussing that, and while I didn't participate on that thread, I was certainly taking notes.  Really good stuff there that everyone could probably benefit from.  I suspect we all do it from time to time.

So, thanks again, Kev.  Comments that one can actually incorporate into a new draft are always appreciated.

Guess I'll cut this short so we can all get back to reading those one-week comedy submissions, eh?


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Breanne Mattson
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EPISODE ONE

Hey Bert,

I really liked this.


****SPOILERS****


Of course, the descriptions were well done. Your exposition is perfectly suited for this kind of material by the way. You wear it well.

Dialogue was very good as well.

It was very creative and original. Always good in my opinion.

You do know Moloch (one of several spellings) is the name of a rival god that Yahweh, in the bible, expressly forbids the Hebrew people to worship? I didn’t know if that name was a sort of “devil” name you gave the character on purpose or not. It would require some interesting special effects to bring him to life, though.

The Moloch character was a good magnetic character. In fact, until Buck enters the story, Moloch pretty much walks all over the other characters, not just physically, but charismatically. There was no other character who could compare and no one to really root for. Number Eleven was just too down-to-business and un-involving. She really came off as a sort of throwaway character. The actions - her surviving and crashing on earth - were the only cues that she was more. Nothing in her character suggested it.

At the first encounter between Buck and Moloch (as the prospector), it says Buck draws again with his left hand. But it doesn’t say what he does. Does he shoot? Does he spin the gun around and show his dexterity and coordination with a gun? Or does he just draw and train the gun on the prospector?

I think the Indian really needs a name. Unless just calling him Indian is going to be a running gag in the series. If not, he needs a name. How about Squat? -- haha. Then every time he asks Buck something Buck doesn’t know, Buck answers: “I don’t know, Squat.” -- haha -- I’m being silly.

When I first saw the word technology used by someone in the old west, I thought - wait a minute. That word wasn’t around then. But I checked it out and sure enough that word (its original root anyway) is actually quite old.

I’m not sure what this is. I think I read somewhere that this was a feature broken up into parts and not an actual series or something. In any case, it seems metered out pretty good to me. Very professionally done. You’re getting really good Bert.

I liked it. I thought it was cute and funny and interesting. Good work.

Brea




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Breanne Mattson  -  May 25th, 2006, 10:01pm
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bert
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Thanks for the look, Brea, and your kind words.  I'll tell you what -- if I am "getting good", it is in no small part because of these boards, you know?  If you use this place right, there is nothing else like it.

A few quick responses to comments:

I know about the "real" Moloch.  In fact, in the original outline Moloch was supposed to be an ancient evil -- he was the Moloch -- here on Earth all those years ago.  This has changed, however, and his origin is much different now.

Moloch is a good example of a character who has found his "own voice", seemingly independent of my efforts to create him otherwise.  And I like him better this way, anyways.

The Indian has a name -- it's Three-Claw -- as we learn early in the second episode.  "Squat" is pretty funny -- but yeah, a little too silly.

And as for "technology", Cindy called me on that before, and George checked it out for me and confirmed that it was OK.  That exchange is buried in this thread somewhere.  Isn't it great how these boards can work sometimes?  You can't buy that kind of help.

Episode Three (you didn't ask, but I'll make dual use of this post) has some parts that I am still not happy with.  And I don't like to put stuff out there that I am not happy with.  That, and the fact that "real life" has really cut into my writing for the time being -- I've got some pretty big deadlines bearing down on me right now.

It's coming, though...  


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