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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Better Days - The Complete Series Moderators: bert
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  Author    Better Days - The Complete Series  (currently 11679 views)
Don
Posted: March 16th, 2006, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Better Days Episode 0 "The Original Pilot" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The Original Pilot consists of a failed plot line where Jason and Kenny make bets to pass the time. 23 pages - pdf, format - Also, listen to the pilot on your MP3 player or on your computer.

Better Days Episode 1 "Red Phoenix" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - In the pilot for Better Days we meet Jason, Barbara and Kenny, 3 early twenties men and women just living life the only way they know how. The upcoming film Red Phoenix and The Seven Keys To Atlantis has Jason very excited to get in and meet the writer/director who has come to town for a q and a session and a private screening. This episode introduces us to a world full of characters that will show up from time to time, have fun and remember it's not for everyone. 27 pages - pdf, format

Better Days Episode 2 "Pop Up & Go" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - Now that we know the characters a little better, Jason has bad luck with his computer, finds out a family secret, has a stroke of great luck and he may even get a job. Our cast grows to include Kenny's father and others. 25 pages - pdf, format

Better Days Episode 3 "Jason vs. The Giant Chicken of Doom" by Steven Cameron - Series - Taunted by his hatred for men in chicken suits Jason sees an add for a exhibition boxing match vs. a chicken man, Jason signs up and Kenny helps him try and get in shape for the fight. While this goes on Barbara gets a date outside the friendship and Jason and Kenny follow her, this proves as a true test of the friendship between Jason and Barbara. 25 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 4 'The Four of Us" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - After the events of the fight with the giant chicken Kenny has seemingly disappeared, an old friend comes back to the surprise of Jason and they go out looking for Kenny. All of the characters make appearances as Jason looks for his friend. The returning character and Barbara hit it off and leave Jason alone, the question is where is Kenny? It doesn't take long to find out. I hope you enjoy. 19 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 5 "Three Ways to Hell" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The new girl, Danielle and Jason hit it off when they find out they both love the series Banana Chan. Poppy becomes jealous of there friendship and decides to do something about it. Kenny finds a new friend in Casey. What will happen? Read and find out. 18 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 5.5 "The Intruder" by Robert G. Newcomer (Bert) - Series - What would happen if Jason, Barbara and Kenny and Danielle were taken hostage in the basement by a madman in a Powerpuff Girls mask? Find out this week on Better Days. 22 pages - rtf, format

Better Days Episode 6 "This is my Show B*tch" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - Death... Destruction... Mayhem... The three main ingredients and nobody is safe, the most unpredictable episode yet. A different approach, one time only. The episode focuses on Casey and his journey, where will it all go? Who dies? Who survives? Find out this week on... Better Days... It's an Invasion baby! 25 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 7 "My Animated Adventure" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - When the world turns animated, what will the characters do? In this messed up world we'll explore what happens when the laws of nature don't constrict the acts of man. Anything goes when a screenwriter wants Jason and the gang to be in his film, what will happen? Find out this week on Better Days. 25 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 8 "P... Pregnant?" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - Danielle is pregnant, Jason's life goes into turmoil when he's not sure if it's his. Kenny and Barbara in an attempt to help Jason come up with a plan and that plan involves a friend of Kenny's from prison. What happens when they search for answers? The ending will be shocking, the series goes into turmoil as one of the main characters leaves. 25 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 9 "Le Noir Detectives" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The episode that delves into an alternate reality where Kenny and Barbara are detectives, working cases. There first case is to find out who killed Gretchen, the suspects Don Casey, a mob boss. John Walker, a bakery owner who hated her because she always screwed up. The heat is on when they're offered a lot of money to just solve the case.  Plus, a new episode of Takashi & Friends where Yoda is forced to use his force powers on Takashi.  25 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 10 "Hockey Night in Alberton" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The Episode about a hockey game, for what reason has Casey asked everyone to come to this game? Does Jason return or have we lost a key cast member this close to the finale? Barbara deals with an old habit and the ongoing saga continues.  Plus, a new episode of Takashi & Friends where Yoda & Takashi go after Darth Vader and The Stormtrooper.  25 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 11 "Reporting Live - The Sports Hero" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - Jason finally tells Barbara he loves her, Kenny begins his new career and brings in a new character. With special guest Ron Farmer from the acclaimed series Reporting Live. Find out what happens this week on Better Days as we draw closer to the series finale.  Plus, a new episode of Takashi & Friends which is also near its end. 25 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 12 "The Quest for a Better Day Part 1" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - In part 1 of the finale Jason and Barbara go on their first date but the date comes at the same time corresponding with Kenny's audition for Banana Chan - The Movie. Jason really wants to go but cannot screw it up with Barbara, what will happen? 24 pages - html, format

Better Days Episode 13 "The Quest for a Better Day Part 2" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The final part of the finale episode, it all comes to a close as the events of part one explode in the face of the characters. With the departure of one of the main cast being immanent John and Jason get the biggest shock of their lives as John's past misdeeds have come back to haunt him. 26 pages - html, format




Season 2

Better Days Season 2 Episode 1 "Friendship" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - With the addition of "Neutral Space" Better Days returns with a new season. Jason finally recieves his prize from the "Milk" in season one but soon realizes it is fake and he plots his revenge on The Clerk. 27 pages - html, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 2 "To Kill A Clerk" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The Clerks stands atop the public library ready to jump. 22 pages - html, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 3 "Le Noir Detectives - Part Deux" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The sequel to the episode that delves into an alternate reality where Kenny and Barbara are detectives, working cases. This time our detectives are put to the test with a new villain... Tiny Tim, The Midget Assassin. 20 pages - html, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 4 "All In The Family" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - Kenny agrees to watch Danielle's son so she and Jason can go out and give their relationship one last shot. Kenny already had plans with Holly so he pawns the baby off on Casey and a night of chaos follows. 24 pages - html, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 05 "Back To Therapy" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - Kenny has gone back to Therapy. Jason starts hanging out with an unlikely friend while Danielle and Holly get closer. Find out what happens this week on… 25 pages - pdf, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 6 "The End" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - As the series comes to a close our heroes decide to fight for the things they care about.  20 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 9th, 2013, 4:55pm
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George Willson
Posted: March 17th, 2006, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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In case anyone is unaware, Steven Cameron is better known around here as Wesley and the (fill in the blank). I've read some of these before, and they're quite funny. Look forward to having another look.


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DOM
Posted: March 17th, 2006, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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I love Better Days! I read the entire first season. However, it says on the site that there are 13 episodes, but there are 14.
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bert
Posted: March 17th, 2006, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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I love this series, and have read all of them.  I'll probably buzz through most of them again, given time.

The humor here is very droll, and Wesley's unique voice really comes through in a way that is quite different from most of the comedy you have read.  In fact, his posts might even start making sense to you.

As Wesley has pointed out himself -- you will either like this or you won't -- it is not the type of series that allows for much middle ground.  Hopefully, you will find yourself amongst the former group.

I think it's great.  So much so that I wrote an episode myself (insert plug for Episode 5.5).

In light of the "SimplyScripts Scripts" craze, it is often overlooked that Wesley was doing this long before anybody else.  You will find Arcadio (and his script) in this series, as well as numerous Banana Chan references and even a raunchy real-life character (Casey -- my favorite) who used to haunt these boards some time ago.

If you actually read things around here looking for something unique, you should really check out the first couple of episodes.  By Episode 3 (one of my favorites) you will either be hooked, or you will know that you need not continue.

Either way, you will have read something very different, so it will not be time wasted.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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DOM
Posted: March 29th, 2006, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, will you be posting any more episodes? Or have you only written those 3?
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Old Time Wesley
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I've had Season 1 written since late last year plus 2 episodes of the second season, I forgot to send the next 3 in. Next update they'll be up.


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bert
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Wesley is probably too proud to bump this up himself, so I'll do it for him.

Three new episodes here, including Episode 5.5, by yours truly -- complete with a glaring continuity error that Wesley just shrugged off, I guess.  He never made me fix it, anyway.

This is the only time I've ever done a straight comedy piece.


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DOM
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Why is it Episode 5.5? Why not Episode 6?
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bert
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Quoted from DOM
Why is it Episode 5.5? Why not Episode 6?


Weley had the whole season done before I wrote this one -- just on a lark -- he didn't ask me to or anything.

And then it just got stuck in the middle -- between Episodes 5 & 6 -- so as not to disrupt the continuity of the series which I managed to do anyways.


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George Willson
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Episode 5.5 also contains a passing reference to the Fempiror Chronicles, the play in to the board references the series contains anyway. Not that Casey was keen to read it or anything...

Anyway, I read episode one and it was a good introduction. You gave the characters something to do that was also related to someone around here getting produced and directing to boot. That was cool. It flowed well and had a nice pacing to it. The characters had a good intro to who there will become, but of course, it's the beginning, so development was minimal, but enough to give us a little bite.

You did have an instance where you said "there" which refers to a location instead of "their" which refers to someone (or someones) possessing something.

But Ep 1 was a good beginning. So far, I've only read Eps 1 and 5.5, but I'll be reading more we we move along.


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Old Time Wesley
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I was going to modify 5.5 into htm format, also noticed I can break the episode into links so each episode would be three pages but I thought I'd stick with the one page rules them all method. (I screwed up the link on my site to your episode Bert ha-ha I have it linked to episode 5)

Episode 3 is why I wrote the series; "Jason vs. The Giant Chicken of Doom" was what had me sold.

Arcadio and Red Phoenix come back later on when the film actually opens; I reused him and had his permission to do so. (His character ultimately is failed potential and does not do what I wanted him to do.)

The reason why I don't have more references is because nobody else said I could (Alan, Arcadio and Edward) were the three who I asked and I put out an open invitation in one of my WIP threads that nobody read. (Danielle also shows up in Reporting Live. Cheap plug but it adds to the question, who's the daddy?)

The next two episodes are about anime and aliens invading which sounds weird for a comedy drama but I never said I was trying to write the "sitcom" people are "comfortable” with.

As long as people enjoy the series for what it is I'm happy.


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George Willson
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Hey, I read episode 2. It had some random scenes, but overall it wasn't too bad. Gotta work on them typos though. This one had more of those pesky homophones you have trouble with. It's like the word is there, but it's the wrong spelling.

Anyway, I found it enjoyable to learn a little more about these characters and the big picture story is moving along at a good pace so far. Kind of looking forward to see where this is going.

It might not be for everyone, but I'm amused so far.


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DOM
Posted: April 2nd, 2006, 7:04am Report to Moderator
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I don't get what people mean by "It's not for everyone". I think it's great, and I don't know anyone who disagrees! I mean, it's still quite a new show, but so far it HAS been for everyone!
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Old Time Wesley
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I have exchanged e mails with a few people who aren't to fond of the series, I never expected people to say this is the greatest thing ever written because it's not.

George these typos, would they be "grammar" or "spelling" because I went over this bad boy with a fine toothed comb to fix as much grammar as I could and the spelling should be at least 98% if not higher.

I don't have the original draft of episode 6 so I'm going to redraft it from scratch and edit it that way, that interview at the end is just way to creepy to leave in. Maybe I'll add something special to the end of that episode.

Also I'm not sure if I should leave Takashi & Friends at the end of each episode near the end of the season and finally release the finale of that mini series. Does anybody care about add-ons after the script? Do you even read them?


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George Willson
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Quoted from Old Time Wesley
George these typos, would they be "grammar" or "spelling" because I went over this bad boy with a fine toothed comb to fix as much grammar as I could and the spelling should be at least 98% if not higher.


It can go either way. The typos you have could be grammar since the words are technically spelled correctly. But it could be argued they are spelling since they aren't spelled the way they should be, but you only know that based on the syntax. If you like, I can go back through and find the ones I caught and PM you.


Quoted from Old Time Wesley
Also I'm not sure if I should leave Takashi & Friends at the end of each episode near the end of the season and finally release the finale of that mini series. Does anybody care about add-ons after the script? Do you even read them?


I've read the stuff at the end before. I can't remember where, though, since I don't recall reading this entire series before. Maybe I did since the Takashi and Friends sounds familiar. Weird...


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Old Time Wesley
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Takashi & Friends is a phenomenon that starred Takashi (From Ninja's Curse, you've read that so maybe you remember him) Yoda, A Stormtrooper, Darth Vader and Elmo.

I had Elmo confront Michael Jackson about a night they spent together, what went on is a mystery but Takashi got to the bottom of it.


Quoted Text
It can go either way. The typos you have could be grammar since the words are technically spelled correctly. But it could be argued they are spelling since they aren't spelled the way they should be, but you only know that based on the syntax. If you like, I can go back through and find the ones I caught and PM you.


If you have the time to do that it'd be cool but don't strain yourself.


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George Willson
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Quoted from Old Time Wesley
Takashi & Friends is a phenomenon that starred Takashi (From Ninja's Curse, you've read that so maybe you remember him) Yoda, A Stormtrooper, Darth Vader and Elmo.


I have read one of those! I honestly don't remember anything abut it, but I know I've read it.



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tomson
Posted: April 5th, 2006, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

You did good on this!

I was really curious where you would go with this and I ended up being quite surprised. You managed to keep the characters and the humor of Wesley's originals and at the same time ad your own Bert flair to it.

The only character that was a little toned down was Casey, but I understand. When I read his dialogue I often close my eyes. Other than that you stayed pretty much on target. Never seen you write dialogue quite like that before.

In the very beginning I was thinking you might actually turn this into a horror piece, but you turned it into comedy.
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bert
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Hey, thanks a ton for looking and dropping a note to let me know it was OK, Tomson.

You are one of about three people (that I know of) that have actually read it -- and one of 'em is me.

So, yeah -- this one was a little different for me.  I don't know how many of these you intend to read, but Casey just gets better and better as far as I'm concerned.  Writing for him was one of the main reasons I wanted to do one of these.

BTW -- what happened to the Gator?  He had himself one helluva night Monday, eh?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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tomson
Posted: April 5th, 2006, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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This has grown on me and I'll probably read all eventually. I wish more people would check it out and if they do to make sure to read through the first three. Only reading the first one won't do any good because it takes a little while to get the right feel for it.

Shame only three people read your part so far, you, me and one other person. Listen up people, this is Bert being funny, take a look.


Quoted from bert
BTW -- what happened to the Gator?  He had himself one helluva night Monday, eh?

Still got a headache!
My big event I organized has come and gone and it was a success so the stress level I experienced a couple of months a go is gone. I no longer feel like biting people. I thought of putting up a fluffy bunny, but that didn't seem quite right either.
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Old Time Wesley
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Quoted from tomson
The only character that was a little toned down was Casey, but I understand. When I read his dialogue I often close my eyes. Other than that you stayed pretty much on target. Never seen you right dialogue quite like that before.


Wait until you meet Cake in Season 2 Episode 2, Casey has a friend and he is not the boy next door. (This episode is actually written but not released) I think Casey and Cake make one hell of a team.

Casey is based roughly on a member on these boards of the same name whom read every episode before I released them and gave his blessing. (Not many people realize that, Bert may be the only one who actually knows that.) He wasn't too happy about being a reoccurring character but I made up for that by giving him his own episode "Hockey Night in Alberton"

Good job Bert. I would never have thought of this idea, Cindy actually gave me an idea for a horror episode over a year ago but it was never written.


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tomson
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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So, when are you posting the other episodes?
Do you want me to wait or read off of your website?
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Old Time Wesley
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They should be up next update, I've already updated Episodes 6 and 7 and I'm working on 8. I updated Takashi & Friends and added a title sequence of sorts to that little mini series that goes from Episode 7 till the end.


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George Willson
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Quoted from bert
You are one of about three people (that I know of) that have actually read it -- and one of 'em is me.


I guess that makes me number three (since I know you remember telling me about this last year, and I know you remember me getting back to you and commenting on it   ), although I imagine Steven (Wesley) has read it too. That makes four at least, right?



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bert
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Quoted from bert
...one of about three people...


Sheesh....

"About" is an approximation that could very well accommodate a fourth person.

That obsessive habit of yours for proofing posts is gonna give you hypertension someday if you ain't careful.

But, yeah -- I was so happy to have any comments at all that I even saved 'em -- they're still in my PM box -- what a geek, huh?  Still waiting to hear back from that Banana Chan guy, though.

[Edit]: Also, in an earlier post you implied that I dissed "Fempiror" in my episode.  No way.  The clerk was a really big fan.


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George Willson
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Quoted from bert
[Edit]: Also, in an earlier post you implied that I dissed "Fempiror" in my episode.  No way.  The clerk was a really big fan.


Whoa, it did come off that way, didn't it. Right, it was the clerk who recommended the comic and it was Casey who got attitude about it. No one called it crap; Casey had that opinion about the clerk's opinion and blew it off. Now that we've cleared that up, I'll make an edit so like Big Brother, history changes and no one remembers anything...


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tomson
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Quoted from Old Time Wesley


Wait until you meet Cake in Season 2 Episode 2, Casey has a friend and he is not the boy next door.


I think I'm afraid of "Cake", me being so conservative and all.

Do you want me to harp on grammar or would you rather wait for someone like George to give you a hand?

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Old Time Wesley
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I think Cake is tame swearing wise but he will cause many people to say, "That's not right" I did not create him for that purpose but for Casey to have somebody else his age on the series that had a like mind.

The next three episodes are up, two of them are so far out there that they don't really fit in with the series on a story basis but are fun reads, probably some of my more funny comedy.

Episode 1 may be taken down as I do some drastic edits to it, I'm just not happy with it. My plan is to move Casey's entrance into the series to episode 1, which would change the subsequent episode up until episode 5. They will not change much though; only the pilot is going to be neutered.

Don doesn't have any mature rated tags but if he did I'd say Episode 6 is very mature  


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tonkatough
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Yeah I really dig this. I decided to read a few episodes cause this series is mentioned on a lot of the message boards. Rather than waste time scrolling through the lists looking for a logline that would jump out at me I decided to take the plunge.

I love the dialouge. It is incredible. So natural. so real.  I love the sublte angst tone in the voices of the characters. One thing I love is characters who piss each other off but still some how manage to bond and remain friends. That is the solid foundation for drama and comedy

Barabra is a very appealing character and typical in most sitcoms. Saffy from Absolutly Fabulous. Lisa from the Simpsons. Leela from Futurama. I'm talking about the practical, suffering character who has to endure the stupidity of everyone else that sourrounds them.    That's always my favourite character.

While the humor is not laugh out loud the situations and ideas are absurd and kept me coming back for more. (carton of milk that moo when you win a prize. Now that's so daft it's cool)  

Stealing a poster from a cinema, who hasn't want to do that.

All in all an enjoyable read. I have read 3 episodes and will read the rest.


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Posted: August 12th, 2006, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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I loved this show! Kenny was absolutely hilarious!  I have read the first 4 episodes and I want MORE,MORE,MORE!  It's quite possible you may have heard this at some point or another, but...

THIS IS THE NEW SEINFELD!
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Old Time Wesley
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I heard someone say that Seinfeld is a classic example of a show about nothing.

Lucky Louie on HBO is one of the first sitcoms I have ever seen with nudity and cursing in it. With the laugh track and all. The main actor Louis C.K. actually gets naked for his show, now that is dedication.

So few television stations are willing to produce shows with vulgar language which is why I am writing the feature length version. Better Days The Misadventure.

Currently I have had the treatment for the film done for a long time but keep focusing on side projects that turn out very well.


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MonetteBooks
Posted: October 8th, 2006, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Bert,

You said I wouldn't like the episode you wrote, so naturally I had to come see for myself. HaHa!

I found it really quite funny. As it happens, I've been working on a comedy short, so was open to see other brands of humor. Mine is an update of an farce I did about the 50's, with goofy sterotype characters. The update will be goofy updated sterotypes.

Later, I'll check out the other episodes here. I commend anyone who does their own original series, since I do that, too. It's a big creative investment, not to mention time-consuming work. Even if opinions differ on subject matter, I believe everyone benefits by seeing other's slant. It also helps you avoid doing something already out there.

I hope we all get a chance to laugh our way to the bank from our efforts.
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: October 8th, 2006, 4:53am Report to Moderator
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The first two episodes of the Second Season are on the way. I am having a moral battle with myself over a few scenes in which I turn from nice to mean on certain referenced materials from Season One here...  

Plus episode 6.9, Casey's solo adventure where Cake is introduced for the first time and the finished rewrites of Episode one and two.

Bert did write an episode I enjoyed and felt it captured the mood and tone of the series. I don't have a series bible but if I did Bert was reading it but I don't.


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bert
Posted: October 8th, 2006, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Monette.  

It occurred to me later that telling you to avoid this script would probably send you racing for it -- that is basic human nature -- poor planning on my part.

Having said that, I am glad you didn't despise it.

Wesley has a unique series here.  It's funny and kind of raunchy and he isn't afraid to take some chances with it.  He just needs to deliver on some of those new episodes he has been promising since -- well, I don't even remember how long it's been.


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: October 8th, 2006, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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They are all done but to be honest they go a lot further than any of my episodes almost into Molly Dolly dirty.

The Casey adventure is about Cake's obsession with a porn star/stripper who lives in Alberton.

6.9 is about a lost storyline I was originally going to use but dropped after it became hard to write. (Jason and Kenny would make a bet every episode and Kenny would always win.) 6.9 is about a sexual act that most would consider unholy and the outcome is the reason I wrote it.

I also have a failed character named David who was Jason's friend before Kenny. He was black and he and Jason had rap battles. Of course both sucked and I know how to write crappy rap battles. John recorded some of the battles and sent them to America's Dumbest Videos winning a large cash sum. Of course in the series now I gave it another reason as to why he has so much money.

The character disappears and Kenny has a flashback to which he buries a body at night in a field. It was meant as a comedic flashback but some thought that it was too serious and a bit racist so I scrapped the character and never wrote the scenes.

I did add some deleted scenes to the Second Season. I have a lot of unreleased material for the series that could constitute many special episodes.

I expected more reads for Takashi & Friends or even the forgotten Ninja's Curse short. People read hundreds of shorts a month just to bitch about how bad they are (Not exchanging either) it just seems stupid to do something like that when hundreds of other enjoyable ones go untouched for years.

Alas I promise that before I turn 22, the new episodes and updates will be done and posted.


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rjw8625
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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I decided to read Episode 5.5 after seeing it in Bert's sig as a thank you for his review of my work.
Then I decided to read Episode 3 to make sure I wasn't mis-interpreting the characters (Episodes 1 and 2 seem to have been taken down).

Steven,

This is some fun stuff.  I knew right away I'd enjoy it when Jason justifies this inane battle with the line 'The point is that I hate chickens...'  Makes me laugh just thinking about it.
I get a Clerks Animated Series vibe as I read this episode.  Especially from Casey, reminds me of Jay.  Kenny reminds me of Randal during and after the restaurant scene.
I can't cite a page number, but did you mean to say 'grudge match' with the ring announcer.  If not, I can see the humor in a fly-by-night boxing promoting jab.
Not long after that, there is a 'but' used by Barbara in the line about not forgiving him, maybe it was supposed to be 'and?'  Is she more mad at Jason, Kenny, or both?

Bert,

I really liked yours as well.  What I liked the most is that the dialogue was funny without too much of the 'witty put-down sarcasm' that is really beginning to pervade comedy writing (and even some dramas like The West Wing).  Fighting over scrabble is so true.  Any time people play who aren't super serious, there's always a certain amount of shenanigans.
I did read yours first, so your work was my first impression of the characters.  I'm not sure if JOHN appeared in any of Steven's work, but a quirky older guy obsessed with a Sam's Club style can of pudding is classic.
For some reason I keep coming back to animation.  Is this whole series animated?  If it is, the part where Ash is revealed in all his Poke-glory is funny and tragic at the same time.  I just can't see it if its portrayed by live-action though.  Especially Charizard.

Great stuff guys.  Makes for a fun morning.

-Bob


My scripts

Can Grab - (Short)

In Development

Logan St. - Feature length Drama examining the collegiate life.

Fortnight - Short drama chronicling two weeks in the personal and professional life of a young woman.

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Old Time Wesley
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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The fine line between animation and live action. I wrote an episode called Jason's Animated Adventure which is the new "gimmick" episode. Shitcoms use the Christmas, Easter and so on to death so I decided to do something "new" as to not be considered one of them.

Episodes 1 and 2 are in rewrite hell.

Jason's Animated Adventure, Le Noir Detectives and This is My Show, B*tch are episodes which people can read without having to read the entire series or for those who are, they are breaks for the fun of having them.

As far as Bert's episode goes, he can tell you more about it as I had NOTHING to do with it. All I did was add it in because it basically fits with the three episodes mentioned above in the crazy, out of this world plotline those episodes ask you to consider and take in.


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bert
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Old Time Wesley
As far as Bert's episode...I had NOTHING to do with it.


Now, now, Wesley -- people will think you don't like it haha.

You know, Bob -- I saw this episode as animated AND real.  Like the Powerpuff girls dream segment -- real Kenny with cartoon girls.  And a cartoon Charizard in a real house.  And pulling off a real mask to reveal a cartoon Ash.  Stuff like that.

Maybe I should have made that more clear in the script -- but you did pick up on at least some of what I was going for.  But now I am wondering if everybody missed that.  Hmm.

Part of why I like this series is the freedom of it -- the natural laws of the world don't always apply.  Nor does its sense of decency, for that matter.  Blame the series creator for that.  I was just having fun and he didn't mind, so its all good.

Thanks for checking it out.  Not too many people have seen my little episode here, so it's fun when it gets a bump.


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tomson
Posted: November 16th, 2006, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one better than the original pilot that turned out not to be the original (if that makes sense).

I liked how you started with Jason and Kenny at age ten and even though they are so much younger than later in the episode, their characters still remain the same.
Btw, Jason was always my favorite.

Never thought of "Barbie" as being chubby.

I didn't see any of those pesky there-their things either, whatever they're called. There used to be plenty of those in your episodes.

I'm not sure why I like this series, I'm about as far from your target audience as I can get, but there's just something about it. The stories are often crazy, but somehow they still seem real at the same time.

This episode here was very funny and I wish others would give it a read as well. Maybe because it's a series, I don't know.

It's the pilot for the series and as that it works. It makes me want to read the next one, but I think it works on it's own too and I would encourage anyone who likes comedy to read it. Reads very fast too. Sure, the subject matter can be on the raunchy side, but I think you handle it with charm. I have never felt offended reading Better Days even though it gets crazy sometimes.

Very Nice job!
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Higgonaitor
Posted: November 18th, 2006, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Wesley, just read your original pilot, good job.

The flashback in the beginning was really funny and worked really well for establishing the charcaters right off the bat.  All the bets you have in here are hilarious, and the fact that jason does them just adds to the humor.

My main problem, with this was that certain parts of your dialogue were just really awkward.  One thing that really helps smooth out dialogue and keep the flow going, IMO is to use contraction, and there are a lines where someone will yell someything like "you asre" and I think it would judt generally work a lot better wuth a  "you're".

Another thing that kind of confused me was Barbara.  Jason welcomes her back but we dont know where she was.  You might want to have it this way, something to wait for in a future episode, but as of right now it just kind of confused me.

Tea Time with casey . . . Amazing.  I loved it.  Hilarious character made better with tea . . . great job.

-Tyler


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: November 18th, 2006, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Barbara is kind of a late edition to the episode. She wasn't originally going to be in the "Original Pilot" like I have said many times, Jason had a black friend in another storyline if you will but ultimately with jokes like a terrible battle rap that John tapes and sends in to America's Dumbest Teens was just a low joke that didn't seem to fit. Then I switched the three male plot and added Barbara, a smart woman who doesn't have a great figure but keeps Jason and Kenny in line.

The best part about having a series is those add ons after the episodes. You can test almost anything and if people enjoy it, you have your next project.

Takashi & Friends only got rewrites and a release in the Shorts section because the response to the mini series after the episodes was really good.

Tea Time with Casey is just a way for me to answer questions either made up or from real people who want to ask them. Casey will answer any question thrown at him... just don't expect him to sugarcoat his answers.


Pia, the problem is if THIS episode makes you want to read more it might be disappointing (You have read more) but the episodes don't really match this one in tone as this is a failed storyline.

The target audience is anyone who will read it and enjoy. Those who don't enjoy it, just don't enjoy it. You can't please everyone and you shouldn't try nor should you have to.

The Second Season will be up next edit and I think it is more like the Original Pilot with darker tones and not so held back. Nobody is safe... especially those series from this season that I reference a lot. All of them will take a beating because they have all proved to be a let down.

Thanks for the reads P & H. It does mean a lot. (If you want me to read something, send me a PM)


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Higgonaitor
Posted: November 19th, 2006, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey Wes, read the actual pilot.  More good stuff.

One of the things I've noticed, that i really like, is that you go all the way with a joke.  You don't just stop at a funny moment, a sort of chickening out at a high point with a scene cut, but instead you keep going and it really delivers, like in 0 I expected you to cut the scene after kenny said "I drae you to touch her boob" but you kept going and it was really funny, or in this one, I expected you to cut the scene after Jason struck the pose in the siderman suit against the green goblin, but you kept going and had the little kid end up crying (for some reason I find children crying to be hilarious...It's strangte most of my money comes from babysitting...)

Anyway, you have a lot of things in here that are funny as well as set up fpr future episodes (I hope), like that red headed kid infatuated with Barbra and jason and barbaras little tiff.  Good job.

I am going to have to keep after you on the dialogue though.  There are parts that i just did not like at all, it felt awkward, like things your characters wouldnt actually say.  That was really my only problem with this episode though.

-Tyler


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Higgonaitor
Posted: November 19th, 2006, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey wes, just read the second.

This one had me laughing out loud.  The milk mooing was just...it was great and then when kenny yells at the girls for interupting them, great stuff.

I also didn't really notice any dialogue problems in here, except for a little rough patch in ken seniors first part.

I also like how the characters occasionaly acknowledge that their being filmed, well not exactly, but you know what I mean, like when Jason winked at the camera about days of our lives, and somne other stuff in previous episodes, i'm always a afan of that sort of thing, and even put some into my simply script script

Anyway, looking forward to reading the giant chicken episode...


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Old Time Wesley
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Quoted Text
One of the things I've noticed, that i really like, is that you go all the way with a joke.  You don't just stop at a funny moment, a sort of chickening out at a high point with a scene cut, but instead you keep going and it really delivers


This is because I run out of plot before I meet the quota of pages. I know what my episodes are and they are plotted out thoroughly before I ever write anything. I write them so tight that any changes would hurt the episode. (I do that with features too which is why I have only finished The Juicer, my gay superhero adventure in all that time.)


Quoted Text
This one had me laughing out loud.  The milk mooing was just...it was great and then when kenny yells at the girls for interupting them, great stuff.


I never do call back to the milk mooing in season one... sorry. Actually, Season 2 Episode 1 calls back to it and is actually about it. I forgot to tie that up in season 1. My bad! So, Season 2 ties it up and pushes a character on the verge of suicide possibly.


Quoted Text
I also like how the characters occasionaly acknowledge that their being filmed, well not exactly, but you know what I mean,


I hope that does not get annoying because I do that almost every episode and sometimes (God as played by me, the writer) literally rips the roof off, shines a light and talks to the cast.

It means a lot that someone read my rewrites of Episodes 1 and 2 (They are rewrites that just went up a couple days ago, you know.) The final two episodes were never put up on SS, also my bad but in a week or so they will be online.

Thanks for the reads.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: November 21st, 2006, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey Wes, just read giant chicken of doom.

Some more quality Comedy.  The greeter was apersonal favorite, plus the slow-mo.  There were parts that could use a little editing, there were a few words or letters that were dropped out, but they were all just mechanical mistakes, your dialogue was fine to me in this one.

The entrance of Casey . . . excelent.  I like how unimportant it was, just sort of a "look who showed up".  I'm hoping for more tea time...will there be?

Anyway, good job.

-Tyler


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Don
Posted: November 21st, 2006, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Better Days Season 2 Episode 1 "Friendship" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - With the addition of "Neutral Space" Better Days returns with a new season. Jason finally recieves his prize from the "Milk" in season one but soon realizes it is fake and he plots his revenge on The Clerk. 27 pages - html, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 2 "To Kill A Clerk" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The Clerks stands atop the public library ready to jump. 22 pages - html, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 3 "Le Noir Detectives - Part Deux" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - The sequel to the episode that delves into an alternate reality where Kenny and Barbara are detectives, working cases. This time our detectives are put to the test with a new villain... Tiny Tim, The Midget Assassin. 20 pages - html, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 4 "All In The Family" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - Kenny agrees to watch Danielle's son so she and Jason can go out and give their relationship one last shot. Kenny already had plans with Holly so he pawns the baby off on Casey and a night of chaos follows. 24 pages - html, format

Better Days Season 2 Episode 05 "Back To Therapy" by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Series - Kenny has gone back to Therapy. Jason starts hanging out with an unlikely friend while Danielle and Holly get closer. Find out what happens this week on… 25 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Old Time Wesley
Posted: November 21st, 2006, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Tea Time was added later to this episode and looking back it might not have been the greatest idea as the other episodes will probably show up in Season 2 but I wanted to test out that mini series.

Casey is based on a member of these boards if you didn't already know. He is kind of the ultimate one scene character that people remember. I gave him more spotlight later in the season in Jason's Animated Adventure, Noir Detectives and Hockey Night in Alberton. He shows up consistently though because I like to write curse words.

The series kind of gets overly dramatic and crazy near the end. I have a few episodes I want to edit heavily, not the plot but certain moments.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: November 23rd, 2006, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Wes,
Read episodes four and five.  They were both really good, and I don;t really have too many comments at all.  I feel like the show is giving up a bit of its humor for more dram and plot driven episodes, wich is definetley not a bad thing, because it still includes humor,just with an extra heeping of plot and drama.

I feel like we never really got to know Jasons relationship with poppy, and I think that it would help if you added another scene with the two of them together, on a date or something, so we can also feel the hard choice jason has to make.  Right now I feel like theres no question, and he should go to danielle.

-Tyler


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Higgonaitor
Posted: November 23rd, 2006, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Bert, I just read your episode and it was hilarious in a random sort of way, but I have afew suggestions on how I think it could be enhanced:

Getchen was funny because she was airy in a beleivable sort of way, but I think you made it a bit unbelievable with the basement comment.  I tink that it would be funnier if you had her less of a moron and more just sort of an airy not caring in a stupid way kind of girl, like when she drinks the slsushee with the cigarette butt, hat was funny, but she lost her believability with the basement.  Not even homer is that stupid.

Everything else worked out pretty well, and I know its kind of cliche, but I think you should make it an "all a dream" moment.  Something like casey wakes up and says damn, i knew it was to good to be tru, or something.  although the dads charizard comment seems like a good place to end it.  he way it is now though, it just doesnt really fit. Its not real enough.  Maybe it acould be introduced by a tea-time with casey, like a letter asking him waht would happen if.... you know.  

-Tyler


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Higgonaitor
Posted: November 23rd, 2006, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Caseys' episode.....yes.

I loved it.  The monologue, the floating head, the aliens, the explosion of poppys head, everything was top notch in humor, and we even had a little furthering of the relationship of danielle and Jason squeezed in at the end.  Great job.


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bert
Posted: November 24th, 2006, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Responses to Higgs on Episode 5.5:


Quoted from Higgonaitor
The way it is now though, it just doesnt really fit. Its not real enough.


I don't know how many of these you intend to read, but you will find some of the later episodes are pretty out there.  This fits in with the later stuff better than the earlier stuff.

And I kind of wanted it to stand alone, fitting into the general scheme of things without really blowing the continuity Wesley was working on.


Quoted from Higgonaitor
Getchen was funny...


Gretchen is Wesley's character -- only she hadn't been introduced yet.  So I managed to blow the continuity anyway haha.


Quoted from Higgonaitor
Caseys' episode.....yes.


He's the best, isn't he?  He might be my favorite character found on these boards.  Writing for him is the main reason I wanted to do one of these.

Thanks for looking, Higgs.  Hooking it up with a "Tea-Time" segment is clever -- something for Wesley to think about, maybe.  Those didn't exist at the time I wrote this.

Anyway, my little episode here is so seldom read -- that I know of, anyway -- it is always fun to get a few comments on it.


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Peter North
Posted: December 25th, 2006, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Wesley, I red "Red Phoenix". I must say that this is one of the funniest scripts I've read on the site so far. The humor wasn't too raunchy, and it wasn't too clean. Which is perfect.

I think this is a good start to what looks like a good series. I'm printing out episode 2 right now as I write this review, in hopes that it is as good as the first one.

Your characters were all enjoyable.

It was an entertaining read.

And your formatting was spot-on.

Thank you for not making twenty minutes of my time wasted, and actually making them very pleasant!


Jean Reno is angry... Angrier than Chuck Norris on acid... Too bad Chuck... Okay, never mind, this is turning into a Chuck Norris joke.
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: December 25th, 2006, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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If you found even a little entertainment in my series, that is the highest praise one can receive because that is my ultimate goal as a writer. To entertain people.

Thank you for reading, and like always PM me if you need a read.

Red Phoenix is hosted by this site and written by a very talented and good guy who let me use his likeness (In later episodes as well) and basically spoilers for his film/script. He was writing a sequel but that has died down.

I'm going to be fairly busy over the next couple days reformatting from scratch (Somehow converting an 80 page script from word perfect will convert it as all scene headings in Final Draft) so now I have to delay the release of The Juicer which is the first script I have written in quite a few years because Final Draft feels like being a frog again. Starting to feel like #747 but at least the person who read it can actually verify it being done ha-ha

By the way, if you're trying to decide on writing software... avoid Final Draft and go with something else because it causes nothing but problems. It even ruined 80% of my scripts a few months back (That thread is in Screenwriting Class)


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Alan_Holman
Posted: December 31st, 2006, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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The BC reference is made by a character who is obviously uninformed.
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: December 31st, 2006, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Funny enough you mention that and I knew you'd go right for that. You see how misinformed can a "character" in a series be? He doesn't really exist so he doesn't have an opinion which is why he is a character in a series.

Now, if you in all your wisdom would have read the first season like you said you did numerous times you would have seen the fact that "Kenny" the character in question never liked the series he is misinformed about in the first place.

Jason and Danielle were actually the ones who liked the series.

Of course what do I know. It's not like I wrote this series or anything...


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The boy who could fly
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Hey Wes,

I just read the first episode and I have to say it is some of the funniest stuff I have read on this site.

The opening with Kenny and Jason at Sunday school was Gold!  The mom with her legs in the air...HA.

Man are dj's in Ontario as crude as they are in this script, they ain't like that in B.C

I loved this kinda bet, really crude stuff, but I  loved it.

The pick up scene felt off to me a little bit, didn't have the same flow as the rest of the story, I dunno what it is, but I just felt it.

I liked your trailer park boys refrence, I don't think anyone outside of Canada will get it though, unless it has made it state side already.

I laugh so hard when Erin brought out the dildo, I had a feeling something like that would happen.

anyways some very funny stuff here.  I will try to get an episode a week in, seems like it's right up my alley.


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: December 31st, 2006, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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I fixed up the original pilot after I had finished the series. It is hard to write comedy and calling yourself a comedy writer makes people think you're always going to be funny.

This series originally started as a drama with comedy and stays true to that throughout. From feedback received, I feel it stays true to that.

Fresh Boots is basically my Howard Stern type and makes reference to him as well.

Anyway like always I appreciate the read and if you need anything read more so than something else, just send me a pm.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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tomson
Posted: January 11th, 2007, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

this is in regard to episode eight and nine.

I read these two episodes quite a while ago, I'm slow and unorganized so I'm just now getting around to posting.

I really really enjoyed episode seven the animation episode.  I absolutely loved the camel!  I loved how you showed your creative side in episode seven and nine.  In episode nine I think you did a really nice job with the noir feel, while reading it I saw it in my head in black and white and old-style, but at the same time you continuously reminded us that this was still better days and the same old characters.  Good job.

Maybe because I really dug those two episodes seven and nine, episode eight seemed to me a little bit of a let down.  Not that it was bad in any way, but with the seriousness of the pregnancy I felt you missed a few opportunities to make it more dramatic but also at the same time I think you could have made it funnier.  Not sure if I'm capable of telling you why that episode wasn't perfect for me. I'm a poor script analyst.

I know I'm slow but I will continue to read this series all the way to the end.  By the way, what happened to episode 6.9?  Is that an episode only available via e-mail?  Just wondering....

Very good job, I enjoy it a lot even if I'm not your target audience.  
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DOM
Posted: January 14th, 2007, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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I'm confused. I just read "To Kill A Clerk"... is that the last ever episode? I'm asking because of the thanks on the title page. People don't usually do that until the finale. And because it says "Without you, I couldn't have stuck it out to the end".
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Old Time Wesley
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Says that in the first episode too. It's more of a thanks to the people who read Season 1.

If someone reads 13 episodes and still wants more... You must be doing something right.

After "To Kill a Clerk" The Babysitter, Le Noir Detectives Part Deux - Return of Barbie and a few more episodes I might just have those final episodes be the end.

Then the film Better Days The Misadventure will be released which goes between the first and second seasons.

And that is the end of Better Days. No revisiting the well, no dragging it out until it becomes a trash... Just let my series ride into the sunset while it is still liked.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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DOM
Posted: January 14th, 2007, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that's a pretty short-lived show... oh, well. Better to quit while you're ahead.

So, if the series was filmed, would it go Season 1, film, Season 2? Or in the order that you're writing them?
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Shelton
Posted: June 8th, 2007, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Alright Bert, you're first on the list for this crazy new idea of mine, so one review of episode 5.5 coming right up.

Starting out already with the Bert descriptions....just something about them that flows.  What the hell is with the chocolate pudding?  I'm assuming this is going to come back into play later.

Is that true?  There's only one J in the entire scrabble game?  Weird.

You've got some good banter going between the characters when Bubbles first shows up, particularly Danielle's questioning, which kinda reminded me of the bank robbery scene in Raising Arizona.  Kenny's daydream seemed a little off for me, but that's probably due to the overall absurdity of it.

Is Gretchen Homer Simpson?

Jason's little monologue with the music was a nice touch...I could see that one playing out nicely.

I haven't read through any of the previous posts, but was Kenny's "You killed Jason" line lost on a lot of people?

There's the pudding again...and he bought it at Big Food no less...home of the really big food...hahaha

Casey with the knife....I literally went from "Ugh" to "HaHa".  Nice spin on things.

And then Ash shows up, and things get really weird.

On the whole, this was pretty good.  I found a lot of little references to things in there from the pop culture (or past pop culture) realm, and picking up on them made it a fun read.

The best part of this was definitely in the dialogue and interaction between the characters.  I could see it moving at a pretty quick pace, and it would probably do you better to use some more contractions.  There weren't many, but I saw a few spots where it might work better.

The ending is pretty abrupt, and for good reason I suppose, but for my money I would have liked to see Charizard busting up through the house, only to end up breaking through the bathroom floor where John sits comfortably on the shitter with his alternate gallon of pudding.

Anyway, nice work, Bert.  I'd say you handle comedy quite well, and I'd be curious to read something more along the lines of a straight comedy from you.


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bert
Posted: June 8th, 2007, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Ahh...the inaugural review for the coveted Shelton lottery.

Thanks, Mike.  I like to get periodic reads on this one as much for the series that surrounds it as my own episode.

Once you adjust to the quirks, this is a really good series.  I wish it got more looks that it does, but then, lots of series seem to languish around here.

I also like to see what people who are already familiar with my stuff think of this one, since it is so different.  At least, I think it is.  And I think the board regulars might get a kick out of some of the inside jokes, like Fempiror and Banana Chan.  I’ll occasionally recommend it for that reason, too.  Even the character of Casey was actually a member of the boards at one time.

Looking over your comments, it is funny how quickly the pop culture references can become quite dated -- even after a few years.  How much longer will a Charizard joke be good for?  I suspect it is already a bit stale, particularly since a big part of the joke was how quickly it got stale haha.  I’ll have to remember that in the future.

More contractions, huh?  Makes sense, and given the way I write, I believe you.  I will look into that, for sure.

I’m just glad there was nothing there that made our resident comedy guy double over and wretch.  If I ever do another comedy, I suspect I might do better with a collaborator.

Thanks again, Mike.  


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Shelton
Posted: June 26th, 2007, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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One review for "The Pilot"

Good opening between Kenny and Jason.  It reminded me of something I saw when I was in school where the teacher had called on one kid to name some organs on the body, and he proceeded to say "Heart, Liver" followed by a long pause of stupor.  The kid next to him whispered "Testicles, testicles" and the kid blurted it out.  He got yelled at immensely, and it was quite funny.  I need to use that some day.  Anyway, enough rambling.  I enjoyed the first scene.

The Radio DJ is a VO, and I don't think I've ever heard anything that detailed on the radio.  Then again, I don't have satellite.

I liked how you had the two of them go off their separate ways on their own adventures.  I think it helped to give the characters their own voice rather than how they are just around each other.

What's with the Tea Time with Casey thing?  Was this added later or has it always been there?  I ask because he says "I'm the reason the series ever made any headway".

Anyone, a good intro to the characters and the series.


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: June 26th, 2007, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Tea Time was my attempt at giving Casey a way to talk to people... Honestly, it is like when you sit there at your computer and have just finished and you just write something else.

It should be placed in Season 2. I wrote this pilot after Season 1 and before season 2 because I was not happy with the actual pilot.

The Radio DJ aka Fresh Boots is like the Howard Stern of the local "I don't give a shit, fire me" type of shock jock who hates his job but is getting his station publicity so they keep him around.

I pondered writing a series revolving around him after I finish Better Days. I don't know very much about radio DJ's and how stations work so it will probably never happen.

Thanks for the read.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 27th, 2007, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey Wesley,

I read the originial pilot and found it very funny. It reminded me of Clerks. I only found the Sister's reaction to Jason's tale a bit strange. Wouldn't she punish harshly as oppose to faint? I think it would be funny to see that. The bet  to touch her boob was funny but I really didn't see the sister fainting to Jason's tale. I'll continue reading the other episdoes.

Gabe  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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tomson
Posted: August 18th, 2007, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

I liked the iScript version of the original pilot. I think the guy did a pretty god job!

Episode 10 "Hockey Night in Alberton"

Once again you manage to make funny drama. Some parts of your writing, especially the characters is very emotional and touching drama (except for Gretchen), but you put your characters in situations that makes it a comedy at the same time. That's very good I think. A lot of times, comedy writers forget about the drama part and therefore the comedy suffers, because we don't really care that much about the characters. I'm not just talking about scripts I've read that have this problem, but even produced films. Sometimes the writers seem aware that they need to have stronger characterizations for an audience to care, but often it turns out sappy to the point of cringeworthy. IMHO, you have a great balance in this series.

Starting off with a small nitpick here... A Hotel has rooms accesible from the inside where you enter a lobby first. A Motel has outdoor accessibility directly from the room. At least I think so. In other words, the Hotel in the series should probably be called a Motel.

The pot was $40 000 in the poker game?? Seems a bit high for a game between friends and John doesn't even go WOW!

You always have someone wink at the camera. I LOVE that!

I enjoyed seeing some of the characters from Banana Chan in this episode. Having read some of BC it was fun to see Banana and Buster in this one. Even the Cat with the number name that I can't remember right now.

You have CHARACTER name Adam for his dialogue, but immediately after, before he speaks it says (beat). I think the correct way would be putting beat before his name?

Boy that Gretchen really is dumb. In fact I think she might be dumber than ever in this episode.

Episode 11 "Reporting Live - The Sports Hero"

I would have liked a little more description of Ron Farmer other than just wears a trenchcoat.

You have

BARBARA
...

If she doesn't say anything, that probably doesn't need to be there.

Barbara says: Theirs nothing to talk about - there's

Ditto that for Jason's reply.

You can streamline some of the descriptions. For example, instead of writing "A cell phone begins ringing" you can write "A cellphone rings".

I thought it was funny how the intern turns down Ron, but don't hesitate for a second to go with the Mail Boy because he knows Uwe Boll.

What was the crash in the dark after Jason closes the garage door?

Also funny was Casey's commercial with him saying Craft macaronies now have 50% more fat.

I liked Paul. Somehow I kept seeing him as a giant "Oddjob" (007).

Anyway, great stuff as usual and I still think this could make a really great webseries.  
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Alan_Holman
Posted: August 18th, 2007, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I'm about to listen to the iScript version of the pilot, while looking at the script.  

(By the way, I'm taking donations now to have iScript read my series.  For information on how to donate to this noble cause, PM me.)

I wish you would have had iScript read one of the episodes that had at least one B.C. mention ... oh well.  hehe.

The MP3 of your episode is 70% downloaded, so I'll listen to it very soon.  I'll probably put it on my iPaq when I finish listening to it here.  

*getting coffee*

*now going for a good ol piss*

*pushing play*

Wow.  I'm immediately entranced by the actor's voice.  

Hilarious first scene!  This is so much funnier when an actor reads it, and wow he's talented!  He reads Kenny like Michaelangelo from TMNT, and that's funny.  Jason's read like the straight man in a comedy duo.

When Jason said, "How is your mother holding up?  I mean after the accident and all" ... When Jason said that, the actor accidentally did his female inflection.  Before that, there were minor forgiveable flaws in his perfect performance; however, that's the first flaw that is big enough to get you a discount if you ask ... try complaining, and maybe they'll give you a rebate!  Heh, if I were the actor, I would have been professional about it and I would have re-recorded that line.  Regardless, he said it well dispite the wrong inflection -- he's good even when he makes mistakes.

This is a really good situation comedy.  I'm really enjoying the humorous development of the situation.  It was a bit predictable that she'd pull out a dildo, but hilarious still because that particular joke doesn't get much air time.

The slight pause before he said "Trailer Park Boys" makes me think that he's probably an American actor who has never heard of that show previous to this recording.

"Kenny limps slowly over ..." was an hilarious line.

"Our newest field reporter Erin Cook ..."  was another hilarious line.  

Wow.  That was tight story-wise, and everything wrapped up by the end of the episode.  I loved it.  If iScript reads my stuff, I want more than one actor.  Did you pay for this, or did someone sympathise with your cause?




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Old Time Wesley
Posted: August 19th, 2007, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Alan_Holman
Did you pay for this, or did someone sympathise with your cause?


My only cause is entertainment. I never wrote this with the intention of selling it (For anyone to do but me)


Quoted from tomson


You always have someone wink at the camera. I LOVE that!

I would have liked a little more description of Ron Farmer other than just wears a trenchcoat.

What was the crash in the dark after Jason closes the garage door?

I liked Paul. Somehow I kept seeing him as a giant "Oddjob" (007).



Ron is a character from another web series called Reporting Live which can also be found on SS. (Search Bar)

I suppose he tripped over something...

Paul is based on my giant lanky God loving Christian pal... Paul. I wrote the character for him without dialogue because Paul sounds weird when he talks and I don't want to subtitle him.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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tomson
Posted: August 26th, 2007, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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As you probably know, episode 10 is the "unproduced script of the day", but since I read it just a few days ago I decided to read the last two episodes of season 1.

Better Days Episode 12 "The Quest for a Better Day Part 1

Lots of Banana Chan references in this episode. Makes me wonder, did Better Days ever appear in Banana Chan? I've only read three or four episodes of BC so far.

I'm not sure I have a lot of comments on this particular episode. It's good, but like you say yourself, a show about nothing. It feels a bit like the set up for part 2 or episode 13.

I did like how Jason forgets about Barbie at the restaurant. Haha. She should really bust his balls for that one.


Better Days Episode 13 "The Quest for a Better Day Part 2"

I think you started this episode off brilliantly by going from character to character, from dream to dream. That was REALLY good.

I just have to say that I feel sorry for Gretchen! I love her! How can you not? She's probably the dumbest carachter ever. Not much smarter than that sunflower.

Didn't take Kenny and Holly long to get aquianted did it?

Maybe because I'm older, but I like when you include John and even Ken Sr. Just adds a little something for us older folks.

Anyway, not much to harp on here. I think you have succeeded in your goal to entertain. As season one comes to an end, I can tell you with honesty that you have entertained me....even though I'm not your target audience.

Great Job!!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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hey Steven,

I read the seasons. I apologize that I don't have reviews for each single episode ( I read it all together) but here's what I have overall.

I think the Notes you have written on the scripts should be implemented into the character's dialgoue. I think that would be funny. Ex. the episode in which you give the reason why you don't use Hustler or Playboy.

I think you should continue this story more, just because I want to see more tales from this. lol. It has a Clerk/Weird Science feel to it, not much Seinfeld to it though. lol.

I didn't care much about the Takashi tales. Maybe you can put that into your story somehow for a new season. Takashi vs. Better Days cast.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it. I wonder if you can tell.

That's what I got so far. Hope this helps in anyway, and sorry again for the short review.

Gabe    


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: July 17th, 2009, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I mostly wrote it for entertainment value so if you enjoyed it that is what I was going for.

I may add some more stuff along the lines of what you're talking about when I do a couple edits taking out any references to Banana Chan as the writer of that series and I are in a war of words.


Quoted Text
Fuck you!


That was the last thing he said to me haha

I've written two features to go along with the series but am debating on posting them by themselves as they are heavily referencing the series but I tried to make them stand alone... who am I to say they do since I have been writing the same characters for many years.

Seinfeld claimed to be the show about nothing and I tried to make a show about even less. I am a fan of Weird Science (Movie and show) as well as Kevin Smith.

Takashi is from my failed Ninja's Curse series that only has five episodes and I have a short on here somewhere (Probably page 50 of Shorts haha) called Takashi & Friends which harbors Takashi, Elmo, Michael Jackson, Darth Vader, Yoda and other special guests all done in the same vain as this.

Thanks for the reads tho. I'm surprised someone actually dug this up after two years.

[Edit: I guess I should post the finale which has been done for awhile but since the last read was 2007 I figured what's the point]


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 17th, 2009, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think you should remove the banana chan just somehow integrate the problem into the finale. lol. Can't wait for the finale.




Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: August 22nd, 2009, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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The final episode of Better Days ever has been posted. It will probably change a bit once I get around to updates which I'm very slow to do so I posted it.

I am happy with the episode as it is but want to connect the two storylines throughout a little better as was mentioned in a review but I couldn't think of a way to do it so it stays this way.

The two features that accompany the series Better Days The Movie and Famous, Rich & Beautiful are either done or close to being done and after that I am done with these characters... forever.

On a side note I have added a key reference to a certain member who plays the villain in the Famous, Rich & Beautiful script which is finished.

BTW I'm enjoying the fact that people are looking at certain series. Now if only they would check out Reporting Live (Page 6) and Expect No Mercy (Page 4)


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 9th, 2009, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Finally the show ended. That was an ending no one expected. lol. It still had that comic charm. I didn't get the Dogg hartman joke. I thought you have added yourself in here as the man from above. Also, the strap on joke is always good but why not go through it. Why couldn't Barbara tie Jason and do it? lol. Finish everything.

Where can I read Famous, Rich & Beautiful now? I looked at the website you gave me before it didn't have it.  

Gabe.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/

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Mr.Ripley  -  October 9th, 2009, 1:14pm
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: October 10th, 2009, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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The feature like my gay superhero script will probably never be posted here (In another thread I mentioned why) but if you want to read it, Famous Rich & Beautiful can be downloaded through that link as a PDF.

As far as the strap on joke, I used that in the "Original Pilot" and the deed was done.

Casey will also return in a spin off (Mini or full length) series to tie in the events after the series ended and before Famous, Rich & Beautiful begins. A series bible exists so it is further along and could have been done by now but I'm just not in a hurry to finish.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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jackx
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I havent read any of these yet, but the comments are pretty encouraging.  I just gotta ask, Why isnt the gay superhero movie going to be posted here?  That sounds like a pretty phenomenal idea, what with straight superheroes already in tights and all.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: November 7th, 2009, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jackx
I havent read any of these yet, but the comments are pretty encouraging.  I just gotta ask, Why isnt the gay superhero movie going to be posted here?  That sounds like a pretty phenomenal idea, what with straight superheroes already in tights and all.


Not that it is dirty or anything because it is quite tame compared to the rest of my stuff but the lack of features being read makes me wonder what the point is. At least now it is only read when I exchange it which means that 100% of the reads are by people I am confident that they like the genre and can help me improve it and won't just read to leave a stupid comment.

I also dislike the "skim" reviews left a lot around here and on my own scripts I will delete that kind of stuff.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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