Stargazers: The Phoenix Project [Pilot] by Shoib Rafiq (Bapman) - Series, Sci Fi - Max is a young man with a troubled childhood. He is also the world's most wanted hacker with a resume that includes breaking into almost every secured government database, all over the world. But eventually luck runs out for everyone, even the best ones. The great hacker stumbles onto a government secret which the top nations of our planet have been hiding for 2 decades. 47 pages - pdf, format



You can also check out the script bible here. - doc, format

Shoib,

Had a quick look at this, and the following things need to be done, unless you want comments like "I didn't get passed page 3...".

First of all take out we in the description, it takes readers out of the story.

Next you have to have your description describing what can be seen on screen.  For example:-

"The siblings carry the boxes with nice teamwork. They've had experience".

Now I know what you're thinking, you're thinking because they're doing this moving lark in such a organised way, that the auidence should have some idea that they're privy to the task in hand.  But you can't show they've had experience at that exact moment, unless you insert some pointless montage showing just that.

Your missing Scene Headers as shown here :

"ELIZA
Be right back. Just have to...

She doesn't even get to finish her sentence as she rushes past her father into the house.

The house was totally empty as she runs up to her bedroom."

It should be:-

"ELIZA
Be right back. Just have to...

She doesn't even get to finish her sentence as she rushes past her father into the house.

INT.  HOUSE - HALLWAY (I'm just assuming that the stairs lead up from the hallway)

The house was totally empty as she runs up to her bedroom."

I'm guessing you more than likely will have been looking for my impression of your story, but to get that, you'd need to remedy the above.  And not just for me, as the more senior of the readers on here, as you'll see on the message boards, are also sticklers for it too.

Also by doing the above, you'll find that your dialogue will start to run smoother.

I can see a writing skill in your work, Shoib, but it needs to be tightened.  Also, try to be a little more enaging with your description.  Then your story telling will improve too.

Well, I hope this helps.

Cheers

Lee

Thanks a LOT Tster! Sincerely!
I went back and revised. I put in all the missing scene headers. Wow, there were a few... hehe.
It was my first one, sooo ya, not a very tight job.

I'll take out the 'we' in the descriptions but do u have any advice as to how I would go around describing the scenes? Specially how to make them more engaging?

I put in the 'we' when I just couldn't describe it very well.

Thanks again and uhm... there's no way to post a revised work is there, instead of uploading as a new script?

Bapman,

"I'll take out the 'we' in the descriptions but do u have any advice as to how I would go around describing the scenes? Specially how to make them more engaging?"

Taking out the 'we' can be tricky, but you've just got to describe the scene without telling us we see anything. The easiest way to do it, I find, is to picture the scene and tell it as it is.  The best way of you seeing this is in action, is if you look at the scripts on this website, by writers such as Bert and Mike Shelton for example.  

You'll see that they only describe what the camera can record.

A tip I can give you for making your descriptions more engaging, is to descibe them as you would to your mates, like you would when you're setting the scene for a joke or something.

Also, and I know this has been working for me, but when I've got a pacey action scene to do, I picture the scene with a loud Prodigy style tune blasting out of my stereo.

And yes, I do believe you'll have to resubmit again.

Cheers

Lee

Ok... I've revised it and uploaded the revised version.

I'm only at page three, but notice an error in your dialogue.

There are a lot of unnecessary parentheticals, or parentheticals that should be action. For example, when you say:
                           ELIZA
           (sits down besides Donovan)
        My dad is getting transferred back to England, so we're moving back there.

It should read:
Eliza takes a seat beside Donovan.
                             ELIZA
        My dad is getting transferred back to England, so we're moving back there.

The majority of your parentheticals can be transferred to actions. The only things that essentially belong in parentheses are things that tell an actor how to read the dialogue (like "angrily" or "sarcastically"). It's always a bad idea to put what the actor is doing in parentheses; always try to write those out as action.

Hope that helped. I'll get around to reading past the first three pages when I can.

Ohhh ok... Thanks! I'll fix those right away.