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Watermelon fists is an absolute classic! Are you a Monty Python fan? That could have been in one of their 'interesting people' skits.
Actually, watermelon fists was mike's idea. I like Monty Python, but I've really only seen Life of Brian, Holy Grail, and and now for something completely different.
I was a little confused by Sarah getting on the turps - so the plan was to get her drunk and ? was that for pure comedic relief?
Sarah, Dan, and Rufus were supposed to be emulating American Idol, and Sarah was supposed to be Paula, who is commonly thought to be constantly inebriated.
Hey Tyler, just read number 4. Look, I have to say, much as I love your sense of humour and style, I really think the finger needs to be squirting at least once, in every episode. I know you said earleir it would be tough to film the effect, but it sort of defeats the purpose of the whole series - it is called 'Squirt', after all...
Don't get me wrong, the whole concept is cool and has great comic potential but it seems to be meandering along at the moment. That's just my opinion. cheers stevie.
Hey Stevie, Thanks for the read, but I have to disagree. If this were an hour long show, or even a half hour show, I'd agree with you, as I'd have enough time to build a story arc where the power would be necessary each episode, as well as progressing the plot. But I think that as a 5-10 minute web series, the power doesn't need to be used in every episode. I think that I can hold the audiences interest without it, through moving the story along. About the series being called Squirt, everything that happens does relate back to him being able to squirt water from his finger, and to me thats enough.
Also, this is by no means to be thought of as an action series. Totally comedy. i wouldn't even call it a double genre. At most I would say it is a comedy series with occasional brief action sequences. Just thought I'd be clear, in case you were expecting action in every episode.
As I was writing episodes three and four, it honestly didn't even occur to me that his power wasn't used. I only realized it when you mentioned it, and figured I'd leave it that way because I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish in each episode, and as a bonus wouldn't have to deal with the effect when filming it.
But, don't worry too much, he uses his power in episode Five. Not in Six though. Sorry.
Did you ever see the cartoon O'Grady? It was great, if you haven't. It was about a town where weird things would happen, like people would suddenly get older when they sneezed. What was cool about the show was it didn't depend at all on "the weirdness" as they called it, it was just sort of there. They'd have entire story arcs that would have absolutely nothing to do with that weeks weirdness. I thought that was awesome.
Another example (not to be redundant, i just want you to know I read your advice and really thought it over) is a technique used by improvisers to keep things real. The technique follows the phrase "In the world of Nazi cannibals, the nazi cannibal lesbian is only a lesbian." Meaning, in Dan's world, being able to shoot water from his finger is no big deal, since he lives with it. It's only weird to us, the audience, who do not have the ability and expect him to use it all the time.
I hope this makes sense, and sorry for not taking your advice about using the power in every episode. I'll try to work on its meandering-ness in other ways. Tyler
Great reply Tyler, good points you make! I don't think I mentioned I thought it was an action piece. Its obvious straight up, this is wonderful off-beat humour, of the type I dig.
I haven't heard of that cartoon but its sounds like a good premise. I know you are trying to keep the squirting under wraps and build things up - taken into account! Naturally, these observations were just my opinion. that's where these forums pay off - interesting feedback to all. I'm looking forward to the next episodes. cheers
I read four of the episodes. I think it's silly, amusing and show a lot of imagination, though I have to admit I'm not sure what your aim is here. Most superhero stories have a villain and the villain is usually established pretty early. I think there has to be some reason he wants to be Squirt. Otherwise he might as well just be a bartender - which he is quite well suited for with that ability.
But again, I'm not quite sure that is what you are aiming for. You might want to be doing this to have some fun. Though I think you could draw many more viewers if you have a compelling story too (even if it's a silly one).
Hey Michael, I have a ten episode story arc planned out which gets (I think) compelling, as the villain is introduced (hinted at in this episode, introduced in the next), as love connections form, and as the characters grow (blah blah blah).
I have five and six done, I'm just sending them through the friend-edit mill before I put them on here.
For me, I don't think this series is going well. The first script isn't much different, the second could do with the first 4/5 pages chopped off, and the last one seemed to take an age to go somewhere.
I'm confused, the first script is much different from what?
What parts in the second do you think could/should be cut?
How do you mean the last one took an age to go somewhere? I s'pose I thought it started fine (or I wouldn't hav eposted it) so some ellaboration would be realy quilte helpful.
I haven't posted the next few as I'm sort of editing the villain a more notable part, and thats taking some effort, but I should have them sent in soon.
Production will start next month, so all these reviews have been really helpful. Thanks.
If you start from the fifth page from the slug. Then we are going somewhere. Obtaining a sidekick is a good idea.
The focus stuff I felt was unnecessary and just dragged. It kinda of reminded me of Yoda telling Luke to focus. Not for me.
For the 3rd script. I'd start from the montage scene, or the line before.
I like parodies like the next man, but one of American Idol? I personality don't like reality tv shows, white people pretending to be black and people insisting on speaking in an accent they can't speak.
Plus, your Dan/Squirt character is pretending to be a black man in costume to people auditioning in front of him. Who'll have no choice to think that's what he is if they can't see him.
Also, after you said in the 12th post that the rewrite of the first episode is up and that the ante has been upped. That's why I said that the first script wasn't that much different.
Combine both those scripts and this will flow faster. But then again, take this with a pinch of salt. I'm probably in the minority.
I know I've been a bad friend to the simplyscripts community recently, but, believe me or not, this has probably been the busiest year of my life. Anyway, here's a preview for Squirt!, which, god willing, should be airing in January.
That was cute Tyler. The promo was really cheery. It seemed surprisingly influenced by the Monkees. It didn't really say much about the show though. If I hadn't read some of the scripts I wouldn't know what it was about, though it was fun and made me curious to see what you will do with the show.
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