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I read the first episode and I really liked it. The premise of an alcoholic medium is one you should be able to mine for quite a lot of story!
I also liked the ending a lot - seriously good twist. And I don't think it changes the tenor of the piece at all, since Mary seems to be set up to be irretrievably unlikeable.
A few questions and minor quibbles, some of which may be answered in future episodes I know:
- I was confused by the setting. It's a weekly thing at a welfare center? Maybe it's a culture difference between GB and the US, but here these types of things are attended by people who are a bit more well-to-do.
SPOLIER
Mary's ability appears to be geniune, as evidenced by the ending. I have to confess that I thought you would set her up as a charlatan. Again, maybe this is explained in further episodes.
The only other thing I was confused about is the reading that the cheating husband got. You referred to "they" a lot during it without telling us who she was getting the information from. Maybe name the dead person? A business partner of his, perhaps?
The dialogue could have been sharper in places, but Mary's zingers were spot on.
I was confused by the setting. It's a weekly thing at a welfare center? Maybe it's a culture difference between GB and the US, but here these types of things are attended by people who are a bit more well-to-do.
Yes, it's a weekly thing. Based on a weekly spiritualist evening at a welfare centre around the corner from where I live. All walks of life attended including teenage 'chavs' right up to the 'posh-folk'.
Mary's ability appears to be geniune, as evidenced by the ending. I have to confess that I thought you would set her up as a charlatan. Again, maybe this is explained in further episodes.
No, she's no charlatan that Mary. She's just a little outspoken at times...
The only other thing I was confused about is the reading that the cheating husband got. You referred to "they" a lot during it without telling us who she was getting the information from. Maybe name the dead person? A business partner of his, perhaps?
Who knows who it was? As I said, I based a fair chunk of this on my personal experience, and no two readings were ever the same- some gave full names, some gave initials and some were refered to as 'they'.
So. final part is finally here. Firstly, congratulations on completing it.
I like the use of the word 'bog'. Rare to see it written down. This script is pure England - with all it's pecularities. About time someone wrote a UK sitcom that actually has some proper laughs in it.
A lot of excellent plotting going on here too.
I also note the comma and 'and' situation has been resolved. Reads a hell of a lot better now.
I dunno how you do it, but you've sailed pretty close to dodgy territory and managed to stay on course. I've read this three times now and I'm still laughing. If it was me I would have offended a stack more people. I doubt I have been able to make it any funnier either.
Quoted from SC Ep. 6
EXT. THE FLIDDY ARMS
Just the right side of a shitestorm and still funny.
The Barmaid is a killer of a character. I'll say nothing else about the plot lest I spoil it for folks.
I think you also pretty much cracked the dialogue / action ratio for this. If it wasn't comedy it would be different.
It has improved overall, as have you as a writer. Way improved over Playing God.
As it is there's little I can fault here. Coupla strange phrasings here and there but hardly worth mentioning
Brilliant end to a brilliant series. I do hope this gets picked up. Well done lad.
So. final part is finally here. Firstly, congratulations on completing it.
Thank you. I am pretty chuffed that it's finally all tied up.
Quoted from Re
I like the use of the word 'bog'. Rare to see it written down. This script is pure England - with all it's pecularities. About time someone wrote a UK sitcom that actually has some proper laughs in it.
I like that term as well. Also a fan of 'snap' and 'clouts' for dinner and trousers respectively. It's great that you think it is that funny, thanks.
Quoted from Re
A lot of excellent plotting going on here too.
Cheers muchly. I enjoyed planning the plot and twists. In fact- I really enjoyed writing this whole series. Got more into the flow of it in later episodes, tho.
Quoted from Re
I also note the comma and 'and' situation has been resolved. Reads a hell of a lot better now.
Ha ha! At last
Quoted from Re
I dunno how you do it, but you've sailed pretty close to dodgy territory and managed to stay on course. I've read this three times now and I'm still laughing. If it was me I would have offended a stack more people. I doubt I have been able to make it any funnier either.
That's a great sign- still laughing after 3 reads. Nice one. I didn't write the dodgy and seedier stuff to try and offend people, I simply put down what would actually make me laugh. Glad you thought it worked.
Quoted from Re
I think you also pretty much cracked the dialogue / action ratio for this. If it wasn't comedy it would be different.
Again, I thank you. I tried my best.
Quoted from Re
It has improved overall, as have you as a writer. Way improved over Playing God.
I have to agree with you there, squire. Playing God was one of my first attempts though. There's a good story in there somewhere, I really need to think about a rewrite of that one.
Quoted from Re
As it is there's little I can fault here. Coupla strange phrasings here and there but hardly worth mentioning
Brilliant end to a brilliant series. I do hope this gets picked up. Well done lad.
Really happy you describe it as brilliant, and I'm chuffed that you liked it so much. Episode one is going to be filmed, not sure about the rest of the series though. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Cheers for all the great comments, feedback and advice.
Well I'm sure you know by now how much I've enjoyed this series. I love some of the lines you write, likes these;
'I'm gald I only needed a gypsy' lol.
Oh my...shit in the face lol.
'I'm getting a wide-on as we speak' lol
SPOILERS!!!
A really dark end to the series, I didn't see that coming...neither did Iona lol.
Another good episode Craig, and you left it on a knife edge too. I enjoyed Mary's verbal attack on the comedian but not sure about his, but that depends on whether or not he actually shot her? I think you tied a few lose ends up to boot. Overall, I enjoyed and it was a fitting conclusion to a great first series...I hope 'first' series lol.
Great stuff Craig.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Another good episode Craig, and you left it on a knife edge too. I think you tied a few lose ends up to boot. Overall, I enjoyed and it was a fitting conclusion to a great first series...I hope 'first' series lol.
Again, glad you liked it. No plans for another series as of yet though, sorry!
Cheers for the feedback and comments, and thanks for reading the whole series.
For me, this was the strongest episode of the entire series. There is some funny dialogue in here. REALLY funny dialogue. Not only did this episode keep the plotlines moving along, I thought it was the funniest yet.
The first few episodes maybe focused more on the comedy and Mary's character than anything else. The last few focused more on the Iona storyline, with the comedy taking a bit of a backseat but still present. This episode, the balance is absolutley perfect. I can't begin to tell how much I enjoyed this one.
One minor complaint... the ending. I know most will disagree with me, but I'm just not really sure about it, you know? It was shocking, it did end with a bang like you promised, I just don't think it fits. After all the crazy comedy moments here, I thought it would end with one more outrageous over-the-top comedy moment. Maybe this was what you wanted the reader to feel as the first episode ended on a shocker. I could see why you ended the first one the way you did as you had to prove someway that Mary is genuine, but this episode, I don't think there is any need for a shock ending. But then again, this could be the reaction you were aiming for and I'm just blabbering.
You can take that as a compliment as I've really taken to Mary's character and I'm still shocked. If this was your aim, it works 100%.
Good luck with this series. TV really needs something like this for a laugh nowadays.
For me, this was the strongest episode of the entire series. There is some funny dialogue in here. REALLY funny dialogue. Not only did this episode keep the plotlines moving along, I thought it was the funniest yet.
Thanks Brian. Happy that you were entertained, and that you found it so funny. I did try and pull out all stops for this episode (although I did have to tame it back a little in some areas which went a bit too far).
The first few episodes maybe focused more on the comedy and Mary's character than anything else. The last few focused more on the Iona storyline, with the comedy taking a bit of a backseat but still present. This episode, the balance is absolutley perfect. I can't begin to tell how much I enjoyed this one.
You're 100% right there- the first few were Mary's show completely, with other characters taking a more focussed role as the series went on. The balance in this one is perfect? Thank you so much. I don't suppose it's any coincidence that I really got into writing it as the series went on.
One minor complaint... the ending. I know most will disagree with me, but I'm just not really sure about it, you know? It was shocking, it did end with a bang like you promised, I just don't think it fits. I don't think there is any need for a shock ending. But then again, this could be the reaction you were aiming for and I'm just blabbering.
Right again, Brian. Exactly the reaction I was aiming for. Everything tied up for the finale (I think).
You can take that as a compliment as I've really taken to Mary's character and I'm still shocked. If this was your aim, it works 100%.
I have indeed taken it as a compliment. You're one of a few who really liked Mary and said that she will be missed (by me too!). Really happy to hear that it shocked you that much, and glad my plan worked!
Good luck with this series. TV really needs something like this for a laugh nowadays.
Thanks again Sir! Ep 1 is being made in the near future in Canada as a standalone short film. It looks like it will have to be changed slightly to make it a bit less British, but I'm really looking forward to seeing the finished product.
Thanks for the glowing review- a great start to the new year for me!
So I finished part II and may I say - seriously good work, dude.
I think the genius of this is not just its premise but the setup. It requires very little heavy lifting on the part of the audience - and the writer, for that matter - and allows us to just enjoy.
What I mean by this is that you've got a set main location, the main character, her two foils, the ditzy helper, and a cast of "guest stars" in the form of new patrons. From what little I've watched of BBC television, I don't see why this couldn't be on the air.
If I had to quibble slightly it would be, as I mentioned in my other post, that some of the information seems to come from an unnamed, disembodied "they" - and it seems like "they", rather than wanting to be helpful to their living relatives, are there just to cause trouble. The other thing I noticed is that sometimes it gets so talky (which I like - I much prefer to read dialogue than narration) that some of the characters appear to talk without being "brought" into the scene.
Rhoda Million: *ajr stands and claps*
Now I ask those who haven't checked any of these out yet to take advantage of the bump here. You won't be disappointed.
Great humour, good material. It definitely has the legs for a continued run, it could go in all sorts of directions.
I've only read the first one, but I'll check out others in the future.
My only criticism would be that it felt like more of stand up routine than a story. I feel liek you've mastered the hard stuff, the unteachable quality if you will, but fallen slightly short on the story craft side of things.
Most sitcoms seem to tell one particular story in an episode and also weave in longer term arcs within those stories. There was no hint of any goal for Mary, or of the bigger picture outside of this particular medium session.
EG Fools and horses and their quest to become millionaires.
There is enough humour in there to considerably extend it and to introduce bigger story arcs.
EG Mary is a medium and has been trying to contact someone specific all her life and has always failed (maybe that's the root of her drinking problem).
Perhaps it would simply be a matter of extending Andreas part in the story, introducing us to her earlier, maybe her husband as well, which would give the ending more impact.
That being said. This is good stuff. It's the kind of material I really like. I can already imagine all sorts of future story lines.
So I finished part II and may I say - seriously good work, dude.
Indeed you may! Thanks for that.
Quoted from ajr
I think the genius of this is not just its premise but the setup. It requires very little heavy lifting on the part of the audience - and the writer, for that matter - and allows us to just enjoy.
It got much easier to write as it went on, to the point where I was really looking forward to penning the next episode.
Quoted from ajr
What I mean by this is that you've got a set main location, the main character, her two foils, the ditzy helper, and a cast of "guest stars" in the form of new patrons. From what little I've watched of BBC television, I don't see why this couldn't be on the air.
The main reason that it won't be on the BBC is because they turned it down - too edgy apparently. Ep 1 will hopefully start pre-production soon in Toronto, so I'm pretty excited to see how it pans out.
Quoted from ajr
If I had to quibble slightly it would be, as I mentioned in my other post, that some of the information seems to come from an unnamed, disembodied "they"
As I've said in previous replies- I went to this spiritualist thing on the end of my street countless times, and the mediums seemed to vary from giving bang-on accurate names/descriptions to simply calling them 'they'. I wanted to vary her readings.
Quoted from ajr
and it seems like "they", rather than wanting to be helpful to their living relatives, are there just to cause trouble.
And that, sir, is where the comedy lies!
Quoted from ajr
Rhoda Million: *ajr stands and claps*
*CCF grins and blushes*
Quoted from ajr
Now I ask those who haven't checked any of these out yet to take advantage of the bump here. You won't be disappointed.
Looking forward to the other episodes - AJR
Couldn't ask for more, thank you so much AJR. Hope you enjoy the further episodes just as much.
My only criticism would be that it felt like more of stand up routine than a story. I feel liek you've mastered the hard stuff, the unteachable quality if you will, but fallen slightly short on the story craft side of things. Most sitcoms seem to tell one particular story in an episode and also weave in longer term arcs within those stories. There was no hint of any goal for Mary, or of the bigger picture outside of this particular medium session.
The first episode is simply a showcase for Mary's (very real) talents, and a way of introducing the principal characters. A 'pilot' if you will. You'll see there's a pretty strong story that develops over the episodes. In fact, it's the story that lies at the heart of this, with the mediumship almost becoming an 'also'...
There is enough humour in there to considerably extend it and to introduce bigger story arcs.
EG Mary is a medium and has been trying to contact someone specific all her life and has always failed (maybe that's the root of her drinking problem).
I'll be interested to hear your views on further episodes, buddy.
Quoted from rick
That being said. This is good stuff. It's the kind of material I really like. I can already imagine all sorts of future story lines.
Great to hear! I said I was only ever writing this one series, but I have to admit that I'm beginning to pine a bit for Mary. I even recieved an E-mail today from a SS member which closed with 'Oh, and BTW, you need to bring Mary back!'
Never say never, eh?
Cheers for the read and great feedback. Highly appreciated, sir.
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. Glad you like Mary's lines though 
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