Hey Craig,

Ok, so I read the first episode. I've intentionally not read any of the previous reviews so if I repeat anything you'll understand why.

I wanted to start, but saying I've admiration for anyone who pulls off a comedy. I've been writing (albeit not movie scripts or shorts) for a while and I've tried on a couple of occasions to write something 'funny' - what a disaster! So let's start with the basics.....your script IS funny. As you know, I'm a Brit as well so for a UK audience (and albeit on a sample 1 'cos I haven't read any other reviews) it made me laugh....out loud once (and that takes some doing normally). On a slight tangent it will be interesting to discover if forum readers from outside the Uk think the same. My impression is that one of the factors sitcom scripts are reviewed on is the 'international' market (North America in particular of course).

I wasn't wild about all the jokes, but the majority worked on me and seemed pretty original. I should qualify that by saying 'comedy' is not a specialist subject of mine so you may be repeating Billy Connely jokes for all I know.

The dialogue mostly worked. On occasion it was too forced for my taste and sounded a bit like.....well, that someone was telling a joke. I know that's the point, but from a personal perspective the comedy I really love, just falls out the story rather than me picturing one of my pals (I have a couple!) telling me a tale down the boozer.

I read a piece from a guy who evaluated comedies for something or other. He said the most depressing thing was that the vast majority of what he was sent simply wasn't funny. So back to a core attribute: most of the time, I found the script funny.

Interestingly, I thought there were perhaps too many jokes, or at least too many of the same type of joke i.e. Mary receiving an embarrassing message which she tells the audience. I think there's enough funnies in there for you to replace one of the messages with some more of the story - character development, action or whatever; if you can make that part funny at the same time all the better. The one joke I didn't like was the old guy at the end. I suspect that might simply be taste though.

On to the next part: the premise. Again, I really liked it. The subject of being a medium is one that I imagine is well-known but not, at least to my knowledge, been explored previously from a comedy perspective. I've also got about twenty wild story diversions in my head, just thinking about the topic. So loads of scope to diversify and keep it interesting. Yep, liked the premise and also liked the structure of the episode. It had a beginning, middle and end. And to top it all an ending that was interesting, for a sitcom. Crikey.....Mary really does have pshycic powers. Or does she....I haven't read ep2, but it will be very interesting what you do with this. Is it a serial, or is it a series?

Now on to my struggle with this.....putting aside the jokes, when I read this, the characters and premise remind me of a sitcom that plays at say 8pm. Acorn Antiques, Keeping Up Appearances, One Foot in the Grave. The jokes though are more Shameless, Green Wing, Gavin and Stacey - post the watershed, on the edge of seriously bad language, controversial, modern (they may be crap examples of sitcoms by the way).

So this might just be my perception - and remember I'm hardly expert reviewer material - but it feels like you have two halves, each of which individually is great. They just don't fit together. Sorry, if that sounds fundamental. I'm not a fan of suggesting fundamental changes to a premise, but I think it would work better if Mary or the crowd around her were somehow more modern.

So that's about it. A few grammos etc. but I've tried to point out the stuff I thought interesting.

Cheers
T

Evening Thornton,

Cheers for the read!

Quoted from Thornton I wanted to start, but saying I've admiration for anyone who pulls off a comedy. I've been writing (albeit not movie scripts or shorts) for a while and I've tried on a couple of occasions to write something 'funny' - what a disaster! So let's start with the basics.....your script IS funny. As you know, I'm a Brit as well so for a UK audience (and albeit on a sample 1 'cos I haven't read any other reviews) it made me laugh....out loud once (and that takes some doing normally).

Thank you for the comments. The fact that you found funny is great, and if it managed to make you laugh out loud, that's even better.

Quoted from thornton On a slight tangent it will be interesting to discover if forum readers from outside the Uk think the same. My impression is that one of the factors sitcom scripts are reviewed on is the 'international' market (North America in particular of course).

It's interesting you should ask that- as the humour is very much broad and british. If you check back over previous comments you'll see that episode one should be going into pre-production in the not too distant future. Not over here in Blighty, but over the pond in Toronto, Canada!  

Quoted from thornton I wasn't wild about all the jokes, but the majority worked on me and seemed pretty original. I should qualify that by saying 'comedy' is not a specialist subject of mine so you may be repeating Billy Connely jokes for all I know.

Comedy is all a matter of personal taste, so I wouldn't expect it to everyone's 'cup of tea', and no, I'm not!

Quoted from thornton The dialogue mostly worked. On occasion it was too forced for my taste and sounded a bit like.....well, that someone was telling a joke. I know that's the point, but from a personal perspective the comedy I really love, just falls out the story rather than me picturing one of my pals (I have a couple!) telling me a tale down the boozer.

Yep, fair comment. A few people have said that the beauty of the humour is that they are already anticipating the jokes, so, as I said previously, it's all about personal preferences again. I know what you're saying though.

Quoted from thornton Interestingly, I thought there were perhaps too many jokes, or at least too many of the same type of joke i.e. Mary receiving an embarrassing message which she tells the audience.

This was originally written as a comedy version of a very serious short I had written called 'Heavenly Intentions'. A SS member commented that she would find it interesting to see a different take on the drama, using the same characters and situations. This first episode was my mind running wild, setting the scene for the obnoxiuosness of Mary's character, and while it may seem to you that I've shoe-horned as many jokes as possible, I don't think (IMO) that a comedy can ever have too many gags.

Quoted from thornton I think there's enough funnies in there for you to replace one of the messages with some more of the story - character development, action or whatever; if you can make that part funny at the same time all the better.

Episode one is Mary's gig! There's a pretty deep and continuing story that emerges from ep 2 onwards. The 1st was a way to introduce all the main characters to the reader.

Quoted from thornton The one joke I didn't like was the old guy at the end. I suspect that might simply be taste though.

Yeah, I can understand that. There's a few more instances where I was unsure if I'd crossed the line a little too far,  some liked the 'near the knuckle' bits, whilst others didn't, so yes, as you said, it's a taste thing again.

Quoted from thornton On to the next part: the premise. Again, I really liked it. The subject of being a medium is one that I imagine is well-known but not, at least to my knowledge, been explored previously from a comedy perspective. I've also got about twenty wild story diversions in my head, just thinking about the topic. So loads of scope to diversify and keep it interesting. Yep, liked the premise and also liked the structure of the episode.

Thanks, again! There's loads of different scenarios still swimming around in my head, even though I've finished the series!

Quoted from thornton It had a beginning, middle and end. And to top it all an ending that was interesting, for a sitcom. Crikey.....Mary really does have pshycic powers. Or does she....

Yep she does. That's why I went for the shock ending- just to prove her abilities. I'm glad you liked the ending by the way- if was split down the middle by people who liked it and people who hated it. Your vote has tipped it well into favour!

Quoted from thornton I haven't read ep2, but it will be very interesting what you do with this. Is it a serial, or is it a series?

It's a six part series, and I hope you do read further episodes

Quoted from thornton Now on to my struggle with this.....putting aside the jokes, when I read this, the characters and premise remind me of a sitcom that plays at say 8pm. Acorn Antiques, Keeping Up Appearances, One Foot in the Grave.

The original idea was for a 'Vicar of Dibley' style sitcom, and the first few pages reflect that influence...

Quoted from thornton The jokes though are more Shameless, Green Wing, Gavin and Stacey - post the watershed, on the edge of seriously bad language, controversial, modern

... And you've hit the nail on the head. It wasn't intentional- it started out in my head as a gentle comedy, and mutated along the way. Granted, it's a bit sweary and controversial, but I can't imagine it any other way now.

Thanks for the highly detailed feedback, advice and thoughts- they're always greatly appreciated and taken into account.

All the best

Craig

Craig,

Okay, I've finished episode three, and now we're into some plot twists...

I can tell you I saw all of it coming, but maybe that's the way you wanted it. I guess for a six-part series it's only fitting that all of these characters "relate" to each other in some way.

A good exchange between Sam and Mary, which was a nice shift from the comedy that up until now has taken place almost exclusively in the reading room.

Looking forward to reading 4 through 6 - good job with this as always,

Anthony

Hi Anthony,


I really appreciate your comments, and I'm glad you're enjoying the antics!


Thanks again.

Hi Craig,
Your comedy series was recommended to me by Anthony(ajr). I wrote a comedy movie, which Anthony believes it would be better as a comedy series, in other words like yours.
I read the 1st episode and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I grew up with British sitcoms and I love the humour.
Your characters are very detailed and I could visualize them on the BBC. Mary for one, made me laugh out loud! I look forward to reading the remaining episodes.

No Pressure, but if you get a chance, maybe you can check out the `Life of Riley`.

Knowing the man himself is handy. And I do. He's a tad busy at the mo. Matters of the heart methinks. Or maybe I'm wrong. I do know SC is close to his heart.

So. Let me thank you on his behalf. I doubt he'd mind me saying that IE.

All I'm saying is the fella stays round here little. But I suspect he has a look now and again.

I also suspect he may reappear occasionally. We can always hope.

Now. Where is my gherkin?

R

Quoted from irish eyes Hi Craig

Hey IE!

Quoted from irish eyes Your comedy series was recommended to me by Anthony(ajr). I wrote a comedy movie, which Anthony believes it would be better as a comedy series, in other words like yours.

Good old AJR. He's a diamond that one.

Quoted from irish eyes I read the 1st episode and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I grew up with British sitcoms and I love the humour.

Thank you so much for the compliments. It means a lot to me.

Quoted from irish eyes Your characters are very detailed and I could visualize them on the BBC. Mary for one, made me laugh out loud! I look forward to reading the remaining episodes.

I don't think there's much chance you'd see this on the Beeb, although that was the original intention. Laughing out loud is good. Very good!

Quoted from irish eyes No Pressure, but if you get a chance, maybe you can check out the `Life of Riley`.

I'll save it to my desktop and try and read it over the next few weeks, as Re said- It's a bit hectic at the mo. I'll PM you my thoughts.

Thanks again for the read and the kind words

Craig

Quoted from rendevous Knowing the man himself is handy. And I do. He's a tad busy at the mo. Matters of the heart methinks. Or maybe I'm wrong. I do know SC is close to his heart. So. Let me thank you on his behalf. I doubt he'd mind me saying that IE.

Much appreciated Rendy. SC means a lot to me, and it's always a joy to see that someone has read (and hopefully enjoyed it).

Quoted from Re All I'm saying is the fella stays round here little. But I suspect he has a look now and again.

You're right- I'm not here as often as I used to be. It got a bit 'grandiose' on the forums for me. But you're right, I do stop by, and I always respond when someone leaves me feedback, or asks me to look at their work.

Speak to you soon, Sire. I'll be sending you a work in progress soon!

Quoted from RE I also suspect he may reappear occasionally. We can always hope.

Compliments will get you everywhere. Cheers buddy.

Quoted from RE Now. Where is my gherkin?

You probably left it in the 'booth' in that dodgy club behind the bookies. That's where you left the clingfilm.

CCF

I got the impression, right away, that this was British comedy.  And, while I do enjoy that style of humor, this script (ep 1) didn't do it for me.

The characters were all very two-dimensional.  Nothing really stuck out with any of them. Looking back, the only thing that I remember is that Mary is a medium who drinks.  All the other characters are just a collage of white trash spin art.  I don't remember anyone enough to separate him from the next character.

It felt as if you didn't know where you were going with it and that Mary's readings were just filler to get from the beginning to the end.  It just went on and on until you reached a certain number of pages and you said, "Let's wrap it up."

Comedies are the hardest genres to critique, IMHO.    If a horror script isn't scary enough, you can point out why.  If an action script doesn't have enough action, you can say where more action should go.  Comedy, on the other hand, is much harder as the reader may not get all the jokes, or even be able to identify the jokes when they happen.  I chuckled once or twice, and that's it.  And I can't give exact criticism where more jokes should go.  That's something that is entirely up to you.

The best advise I can give you with this is to strip down the episodes and figure out what the story should be in each one.  Without a story, you're just rambling.  And it shows.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hi Phil,


Whoa, you really didn't like this, eh? Usually if I can't find any part of a script to keep me interested I give up by pg 10-15 so kudos to you for battling it out till the end.

Your right, it is British. Very British. Northern humour to be exact. When I first posted these, I thought the only people who'd appreciate the humour would be Re and Alffy, and was really surprised by the great feedback they have had.

I thank you for taking the time to read this, and leave your thoughts. The majority of points you made have already been answered over the previous six pages. I do the odd bit of rambling. Usually round the peak district though.

Just an update- Spiritual Connections is currently at number 2 (and subsequent episodes at 8 and 9) in the teleplay chart over at circalit, for what it's worth!

If any fans of the series fancy clicking the 'fan' button over there, I'd be very grateful!

Cheers all

Craig

There's now a kickstarter campaign for the feature length version of this series. It's now called 'Kindred Spirits' and has a great cast and crew attached.

The link for the campaign and teaser trailer is-

https://www.kickstarter.com/pr.....comedy?ref=discovery

Glad to see you back, Craig. You were missed. Sorely. And I wasn't throwing anything at you.

I loved the first part of the trailer. I thought the actress playing Mary was great, the others weren't half bad either. I laughed out loud several times.

Not too sure about the second part with the sales pitch. But I'm a cynic by nature. And I'm not trying to raise funds.

The first part was brilliant. This is a film I'd definitely go and see at a cinema. They got the spirit, ahem, of the script and nailed the character.  No small achievement.

Hope it works out for you. It's all there. This could be good, nay, great.

Time for a drinky now, methinks. Congrats.

R

Cheers Re,

I've missed you too. I'm going to be showing my face around here again I think- starting by reading some scripts whilst I've got some free time over the festive period!

I have to agree with you- Jeanette nailed Mary's character down to a tee. I really hope it all pans out as I think with the cast and crew already attached this could be very good!

Keep your eye on the imbd page as new actors are added quite often as they are signed. The latest? The actress who played Marilyn Hope in Crossroads as Mary's mother and Laurence R Harvey from the human centipede II as the 'Hot Karler'!

Here's the link- http://imdb.com/title/tt3323026/

Anyway, cheers for the comments. I promise not to be a stranger for quite so long. If you want to point me in the direction of a few scripts to be reading it would be muchly appreciated.

Craig