It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Treasure Hunt by John C - Series - When Frank's former crooked accountant dies, leaving him a map to his buried treasure, the gang goes on a hunt, but hot on their heels are their old enemies the McPoyles. 29 pages - pdf, format

Hey John C

Gave it a read. I love IASIP and you did capture a lot of the essence. The constant backstabbing, everyone's sense of self importance, the zaniness.

The story actually seemed too reserved at times and then cartoony at others. The premise seems a little hacky but where the show succeeds is it takes that convention and just goes deliciously evil with it. Take this week's road trip episode where SPOILER then never make it out of Philly. Also I think it works better when the gang splits on motives and comes together. Like if Charlie and someone else split off, maybe to double cross Frank, and wind up saving the day. And even though I picked up on the impending Indiana Jones theme pretty early, it was fun.

Also the show has hit a standard of after the teaser, the title of the episode shows up for a good laugh. With Frank previously establishing a treasue hunt, it doesn't connect.

I also didn't dig the end fighting. It seemed a little gratuitious and Dennis' last line didn't make any sense to me. Why would he say that?

And as for the McPoyles, a) how many are there and b) possesion plural for them is McPoyles' and regular plural would be McPoyles. The only time McPoyle's would be used I believe is a singular possessive.

I know it seemed like I bitched a lot but actually I really liked it. One of the better fan fictions I have read. Good show.

Love this show.

/start ramble

The script wasn't bad at all. I think there was too much useless banter... yes, I know that happens in the show, but this script could be tightened up quite a bit.

Have you seen all the episodes? I swear I have seen bits in the show which are in your script.

I think your script is set over a too short time period.

I think there are not enough subplots. It's too simple and lacks depth.

I think the ending needs work. It's weak.

Saying all that, you have a reasonable good script here. With a bit of tweaking it could turn into quite a nice spec. Good stuff.

/end ramble.

Quoted from Souter Fell I also didn't dig the end fighting. It seemed a little gratuitious and Dennis' last line didn't make any sense to me. Why would he say that?

The final line "Bob Pope's dead" was intended to tie back to original line near the beginning that Frank announced when he walked through the door, which set the whole plot in motion, and also triggering the "who's on first" debate mistaking Frank's accountant for Bob Hope the celebrity (and the Pope) dying. Maybe that doesn't come through and needs to be changed. I just thought the ending brought the whole thing back full circle. but I'll consider changing it if it doesn't work.

Quoted Text Also the show has hit a standard of after the teaser, the title of the episode shows up for a good laugh. With Frank previously establishing a treasue hunt, it doesn't connect.

I've only seen the first three seasons of Always Sunny, so if there was a treasure hunt in seasons 4 or 5, I haven't seen it yet. I wasn't directly trying to repeat something the show has already done, I just thought the notion of the gang going on a treasure hunt might be fun (Actually, I wrote this about a year ago). Then I tried to incorporate the whole Indiana Jones vs the Nazis spoof. I agree its obvious (especially when you're reading the setup in the script, onscreen it might be less obvious), but as long as it was done right and didn't seem too contrived, I thought it would be okay.

Thanks for taking the time to read, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Tommyp Love this show. /start ramble The script wasn't bad at all. I think there was too much useless banter... yes, I know that happens in the show, but this script could be tightened up quite a bit. Have you seen all the episodes? I swear I have seen bits in the show which are in your script. I think your script is set over a too short time period. I think there are not enough subplots. It's too simple and lacks depth. I think the ending needs work. It's weak. Saying all that, you have a reasonable good script here. With a bit of tweaking it could turn into quite a nice spec. Good stuff. /end ramble.

Thanks, Tommy. While I appreciate your taking the time to respond, you can literally cut and paste the text above onto any other review here. A few specifics would be more helpful.

John C,

I meant to say WITHOUT frank previously.... three missing letters changes a lot

Oh okay! I will be more specific then.

Love this show. (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

/start ramble ("A long meandering talk with no specific topic or direction")

The script wasn't bad at all. I think there was too much useless banter... yes, I know that happens in the show, but this script could be tightened up quite a bit. (The beer stuff, lot's of the Bob Pope stuff, like getting his name wrong... Only on page 12 does the set up come together... it takes too long. Get to "the plan" quicker I say.)

Have you seen all the episodes? I swear I have seen bits in the show which are in your script. (Sneaking around in the dark with all of them in black clothes except for one of them who wears brighter clothes)

I think your script is set over a too short time period. (As most of the stories in this show are set over a longer period than a day, I would consider making yours over a longer period too)

I think there are not enough subplots. It's too simple and lacks depth. (More specific? Here we go.... I think there are not enough subplots. It's too simple and lacks ddddeeeepppppttthhhh)

I think the ending needs work. It's weak. (the last few lines aren't funny. It should end with a bang. but it doesn't)

Saying all that, you have a reasonable good script here. With a bit of tweaking it could turn into quite a nice spec. Good stuff. (There are some great lines in here, such as most of Charlie's. I think you have captured the characters well, even though there is not enough of Mac and too much of Frank.)

/end ramble. ("A long meandering talk with no specific topic or direction")

also a big fan of the show, figured id give this a try.
dont think you actually mean bolo whip.  I think you might mean bull whip.  Could be wrong, but those are pretty specific terms.
Charlie buying a dominatrix seems  little out of character.  but i guess funny enough.
Kinda impressve that Dee actually gets the right percentage right away.
I have to agree with most of the previous comments.  The ending is a little weak, the final line falls short.
Also agree there should be some kind of subplot, even if its just something playing out between the characters as they go about the treasure hunt.
That said the characters were pretty recognizable, (even if I dont quite see charlie springing for paying for sex, cheap basterd that he is)  and it was frequently funny.

Quoted from jackx Charlie buying a dominatrix seems  little out of character.  but i guess funny enough.

First, thanks for the comments.

The joke was that he didn't pay her, which is why she left him tied to the bed and walked out. I think I should make that a little clearer in the scene, but I needed it to set up why Charlie had a whip in the first place. And it's a theme that charlie always tries to get out of paying for stuff, which is also why he pretended to get splattered with hot oil to avoid the bill at the mongolian grill.

Quoted Text Also agree there should be some kind of subplot, even if its just something playing out between the characters as they go about the treasure hunt.

Is it really a subplot that's needed, or just more stuff going on in general? In this situation, the entire gang is participating in the main storyline (i.e. the treasure hunt), so no one's being left out; which is often why a subplot is created, to give other characters something to do, when they don't fit into the main story arc. I did try and give each their own thing to focus on: charlie has his whip, Mac has the leather jacket (along with his Mongolian ale/Genghis Kahn fixation), Dennis has the fedora -- which all come together for the Indiana Jones payoff near the end, when you add in the McPoyle nazis as the antagonists. Frank drives the plot with the treasure map, so it's mainly Dee who's been left out and could use a little more. Any suggestions?

As for the ending...  I wasn't too crazy about it either, but I ran out of ideas and hoped that bringing the story full circle might be enough, but judging from the response so far, it isn't. I'll have to work on that. All in all, it's fun to write a spec for an existing show. The characters already have their voices, and it's relatively easy to write. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Th dominatrix scene makes perfect sense if he didnt pay for it.  Obviously he won't have any reason against prostitutes, except that hes cheap as hell.  Maybe just make it a little clearer he isnt paying her, like one line as shes walking out.
By subplot I just mean something else going on outside the treasure hunt, even if its just some other running joke between a few characters.  Sorry I can't be more specific or helpful, this is absolutely not  my genre.
I'm sure youll come up with something if you just play with it and dont force it.  Good luck.

John, this script is too short in terms of page length. It's a sitcom style show, so it should have twice as many pages as the amount of minutes it is.

Maybe a chance to add another subplot or two?

Sorry for upping an old thread, for all I know this guy could have fixed this 15 times already.  Decided to read this, b/c like seemingly everyone on the planet, I've been taking a crack at writing a Sunny, and I plan on submitting it soon, it's done, but i want to read it over.  Hope I'm not too much of a dick.  I'm gonna read and be honest.

I found 3 sample scripts online written by Rob, and your format is a bit off from them, but no big deal.

I don't think the cold open really set the episode up, which is pretty much the purpose of them.  Charlie with a whip is a funny visual though.  

I don't think they do flashbacks all that often, and even so, that should have been funnier.

Frank coming in should have happened on page 2 the latest.

Hope-Pope was funny, but wayyyyy too long.  

pg 10 - I didn't even realize Mac left -- these flashbacks are throwing me off, they're kinda pointless.

Nitpick - but I think they'd notice a McPoyle in the bar.

Nitpick - Charlie can't own khakis.  (I wrote an "episode" where I had them get new clothes and Mac gets a fedora, so if I ever decide to pick that one back up and post it, I assure you I didn't steal from John.  My other one involves a park too, so... yea)

I'm not familiar with Nazi Stormtroopers, and since I am not, I got a pretty funny star wars visual.

Hat resolution is pretty funny, but at the same time, while Dennis is vain, i see that as more of a Mac thing.

Ahhh -- ok, I'll let you have the khakis now, should have seen that coming, what an idiot.

Payoff is ok i guess, i was half expecting a bottle of Mongolian beer.  seriously need to ax the cold open, all it did was introduce the whip.

This could be real funny, but it needs more foreshadowing of the McPoyle Nazis, the cold open is pointless and long, the flashbacks are unnecessary too.  Between the treasure hunt and the Indiana Jones aspect, it's a pretty funny storyline.

Needs some work, obviously there are formatting issues, no act breaks, etc. While I think the treasure idea is solid, it's a bit similar to Frank hiding his will in the attic of the bar. It's tough to do a storyline that isn't familiar though, they've been on for 7 years already, I'm sure mine has similarities to old episodes.  Also, their scripts tend to run around 35 pages.

not bad.  I'll post mine soon.