AJRscreenworks, Jackx,

Thank's for the read guys. Really appreciated. As always, I of course will return the favour. In the new year if you don't mind. I'm absolutely up to my neck in it at the moment, what with trying to arrange an engagement party for one of my son's. I will get back to you - that's a promise!

To take up a couple of your points:
Yes AJR it is a UK piece, so the British accent is spot on. And that bloody newspaper has been in and out so many times you wouldn't believe it. The problem is it's a Cliche. I'll probably settle on a paper plate or a polystyrene cup in the end. The doorstep scene has been pointed out a few times, I must look at that. Great catch by the way with Michael's office. Because I'm from a Construction background and most modern offices use demountable systems, I would never have seen that one. There's such a thing as having too much knowledge. The TV scene isn't quite right is it? I may well name the characters to clear that one up. As for the Typo's... Bugger.

Has Mark really changed? Of course not. It's a facade. He has found religion, but is convinced he is beyond redmption and acts accordingly. There is a very dark side to him and more about his character and why he is, what he is, will be revealed in future episodes.

The big question with this one was always, should I bother? You will note from the posts, that this was originally a feature. My first time out of the gate, made a total hash of it kind of thing. We've all got one of those, haven't we? The big problem was always that the concept seemed to wind people up. They either loved it, or absolutely hated it. the damn things been haunting me ever since. Everytime I bury it, someone comes along and asks me if I finished the rewrite. One of the members on this site suggested I put it up to get a little more feed back.

Thanks to everyone.

Hi Malcolm,

I've just read this, and I have to say I thought it was great.

I notice you've already had a few people point out your typos, so I won't go into that apart from one that seems to have been missed on page 21 'sweat heart'- should be 'sweetheart' I reckon!

I think the flashbacks and dream sequences served the story well, and although it was a little confusing in places, it was well worth the read.

I'd be interested to see the 17 pages that you cut from this, and I'm looking forward to seeing the next episode.

Good work!

Craig

Thanks Craig, appreciated.
I can't do much more this year, hoping for a big come back next.

Malcolm

The idea for a series of this is an interesting one. This definitely got better the more I got into it with the last line of dialogue being a very powerful one at that. I would have liked to know more about Mark's past but I guess that can wait to future episodes. The whole backstory to Anne being late could be worked on but maybe some of that was cut from your original feature length attempt.

I think most of the guys have touched on everything else. My personal opinion is that the story itself is worth another look at and shouldn't stay buried because you failed with the feature. I'm sure if you can take on the advice of the people on here and clean this draft up a bit, you might have something. A small side note, watch out for the passive action lines. There's quite a few here but can easily be fixed.

Brian

Brian,

Really appreciate the read and all the advice. Although this one has been put on the back burner, the vast majority of oppinions does seem to favour pursuing it. I will definately revisit it in the new year. And thanks' for the heads up on the action.

Cheers mate.

Hi Malcom,

I really enjoyed this and thought it was wonderfully written.  During the torture scene I found myself actually feeling sorry for Mark.  Well done.

A couple of small things:

p 12 - I think you might be able to do without the vision where Millie's face blends with Charlotte's.  No big deal of course, but I think Anne staring at Millie's picture followed up with her line ("Not this time") are enought to convey the message that she is thinking of her sis.

bottom p 18 - Anne's dialouge about the broken nail didn't exactly work for me.  I realize she is distraught and not exactly in her right mind, but she's been such a bad a$$ thus far.

p 22 - I think you may be able to get away without this last montage, but again no real big deal.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this and look forward to reading more.  

Craig

Craig,
Thanks' for the read. glad you liked it. I have already done a bit of a re-write on this first one and will probably continue with the series in the new year. At the moment it's all still fluid, so several suggestions will be taken up.

I am always happy to return the read. However, as you may have noticed from the posts, because I am already commited to several, it won't be till the new year.

thank's again for the read Craig.