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California Love by Christopher Hackett - Series, Drama - California Love is the story of the adjustment and culture shock friends, Calvin Hunter and Drew Spelling, experience when they move to the elegant city of San Francisco, while chronicling the friendships and romantic relationships of a group of closely-knit young adults. REVISED. 87 pages - doc, format
California Love episode 2 by Christopher Hackett - Series, Drama - In the second part of this special premiere episode, Calvin and Drew are invited to the End of Summer Bash . . . a party which will turn out to be a night full of mishaps, surpises . . . and revealing a secret. 76 pages - pdf, format
While I'm very glad my script has finally made it on Simplyscripts, I was crazy for sending it before I could do any revisions. I'm embarassed to admit it's my work, and I'm hoping the good readers who are coming upon this script DO NOT READ IT!! Lol. I've just submitted my revised version, which is the one I would like to be read, as well as requested to have this one removed. If you've already read it, then i commend you if you happen to make it to the end. Thanks everyone.
This reads pretty well. Nicely formatted. And the dialogue is good. A bit lengthy, but good. Reads more like a book with such long scenes but I think its a good piece of writing and something to build on.
Wow. Thanks. Yeah, it is pretty long. I guess cause i imagined it as more of a special than an actual episode or pilot. My main goal was to build a story and a group of characters that could be continued on in series form afterward, if that makes sense. Still working on Part 2. I'm slow. But thanks, '82.
I know I keep leaving a lot of messages on here, but now that Part II is making it's way on the site, I just wanted to explain what California Love really is. Obviously, in the synopsis, coming from this Pilot, I want it to depicts the realistic lives of this group of six closely-knit young adults. Of-course, as you will see in Part II, they will not all start off friends. I want it to follow them in real time, as each character gets to know one another. I really thinks it's a great story. Maybe not the best script, but defiantly a good story. I just want to know from the people reading it, if it's something i can maybe go all the way with. Even though it'll be a super long shot, I'm the kind of guy that likes challenges, and not only that, have the talent to back it up. I just see a lot of people are reading (280, to be exact), but aren't responding to it. Please, don't be shy. I welcome all critiques, good or bad. That's the only way i'll grow. Hearing from the people who know their stuff, and can shoot me a few pointers, or tips. I'm a young man (22), who wants to try my hand at television writing, just to wrap it all up, and want to know if i have a tiny tiny chance to make it. That's why i came to simplyscripts. Thanks, guys and gals
They aren't responding for one simple reason - you need to give reads to get reads. If you really want someone to read your script and get feedback, pay a professional. This isn't a babysitting service for scripts. Everyone is welcome here and encouraged to take part, but 'drop off and walk off' doesn't get many responses. Ya dig?
Yeah Chris, you need to read and review other scripts in order to get reads and reviews of your scripts.
Quid Pro Quo is the way it works here. You've got to get to know some peeps here and the best way to do that is to take part in discussions of other scripts.
I will give this a quick look and get back with ya...
Please forgive me as I'm rushed for time right now and I will admit to skimming through your first 8 or so pages -
I think it's too slow of a build right now. It is on the nose in places and and it's not very revealing of two twenty-somethings. We need to see something in their behaviors that tells us who they are, because dialogue reveals it too slowly.
You said the protag stared ahead nervously. Well exaggerate that then. Make him drop something or be clumsy, oafish, whatever - get us liking him and rooting for him right away. Same with Drew. We need to know why we have to invest ourselves in these people, and it's got to go beyond two strangers meeting on a bus. Maybe the reasons for going to CA need to be different / better as well.
Hope this helps and again, sorry for the rush. Oh, and be ready for Jeff's review. You told us not to be shy before? Jeff eats shy people...
That was the "old Jeff"...the new one is very polite and nice...yeah, right!
OK, Chris, I read the first 10 pages and skimmed through the vast majority of the rest of this. Let's go over a few technical things first...
You need to number your pages. Start with Page 2.
Your "FADE IN:" should be left justified and I don't think you need to start with "TEASER".
Your spacing seems off to me. Are you using script writing software? You'll hear people talking about wanting to see lots of white on the page, but to me, this is "too white"!
Way too much dialogue and way too little action/description. I have absolutely nothing against dialogue heavy, chatty scripts, but this seems to be basically all dialogue and the dialogue isn't working for me at all. It doesn't sound natural and doesn't sound like a 22 and 23 year old's first meeting. It's also dull and uneventful. It's not telling us much about either of them. It's not funny or interesting at all, as far as I'm concerned.
Your Slugs need work. I always recommend being as exact and detailed as you can with your Slugs, as it's such an easy way to get info out to your readers. For instance, your opening Slug should be "EXT. PHOENIX BUS STATION - EVENING". Let us know right off the bat exactly where we are, so we can draw a visual immediately. You gave no visual description in your first action line, so by telling us we're in Phoenix in the Slug, at least we have a mental image of what it looks like.
Any and EVERY time you intro characters (whether or not they're named...and even if they're not human), you need to use all CAPS...as in "PEOPLE".
Be careful how much detail you provide in a physical description of a character, but if you're going to do it, do it immediately, not 2 lines later.
Be careful of camera directions - absolutely no need for a POV right out of the gate here. It adds nothing and wastes like 6 lines.
You didn't intro Drew correctly at all. No need to call him a "tall stranger" or use "MAN" in his opening dialogue...totally incorrect.
Be careful of how often you use wrylies. You don't want to unless you really know what you're doing. There are WAY TOO ANY on display here early on.
Don't go over 4 lines in your action passages. They're tough to read that way. Think of a passage as a "shot" or like actions taking place by a character, or a description of something. Otherwise, break them up.
Don't write passively.
OK, so overall, as I said, this is all basically dialogue and it doesn't go anywhere, it's not engaging, and it's really not believable sounding. If you want us to get to know these 2, you need them to say or do something interesting. Maybe they're funny, witty, cool, dickish, assholish, whatever, but at this point, they're flat line for me.
I know they're both taking a bus from Phoenix to San Francisco for some reason, which isn't made clear. They don't seem to have money or a car. Drew likes to write...and then we find out his first novel is actually hitting book stores on 3/22 (but we don't know what the current date is), so now I'm a little confused. He has a book deal yet he's taking a frickin' bus from Phoenix to Frisco? Hmmm...
Then we find out Calvin's gay.
Chris, you've got whole pages...and pages with nothing but dialogue...literally nothing breaking it up. We're on a bus. That means 2 talking heads going on and on for pages at a time. Not very visual and not going to work, I'm sorry to say.
That's as far as I got. Hope it helps and makes sense. You need to cut this down and get some action lines in here and also get some actual action taking place.
Wow. That was quick. Very quick. Lol. Thanks everyone. I have been leaving my opinions about other scripts, though. But that's just random scripts, cause i'm always going through the list of unproduced. I do take everything into account, except one thing. A couple of you said, more action and too much dialogue. I'm just curious, how much action a script about people's real life needs? I'm surrounded by people my age, and feel the realism is needed, and just went from how i talk and the people around me. It's not supposed to be an action show, or a situational comedy, it's a drama, that i want to deal with real social issues going on today. The beginning is important because a friendship is born there, I didn't think it needed to be that exciting. I mean, how exciting does it get when you meet someone for the first time. That's kind of why it's attended to be a series, i don't want you to know these characters fully right off the bat. Just like in life, it takes time to get to know someone. And one more thing, i do believe there's a scene in the script where Calvin is registering for college, and bumps into Amber, my assumption was the audience would know it's the end of summer, and if not, it's defiantly made known in Part II, when Calvin and Drew attend the End of Summer Bash. Wow. I really liked hearing from you guys. Thanks a lot How can i find your scripts? Not that i'm sure i can be at liberty to judge anyones work now. Lol
P.S. Eion, i'm not sure that tone was nessecery, but thanks. I don't seem mean, do i?
Hey, Jeff, right? And i'm not too sure about the POV thing. All of the formatting that's in the script, I took a note from from the Screenplay formatting link . . . on this very site. Just curious now, which one is correct? Are you just talking about the beginning or the entire script? Thanks.
The POV issue is that IMO, you don't want to be using one here...or at all, unless it really adds to what's taking place. Here, it doesn't at all. It's simply you telling a potential director how to shoot this scene. And, as I said, look how many lines it wasted.
I was asking what script writing software you're using. I may well be incorrect, but it looked to me like there were an awful lot of extra blank lines.
And Chris, you've got a total of 8 posts on SS and 7 of them are right here on your own thread, so I'm not sure what you mean by the comment that you're reading and leaving comments on other "random" scripts. There are many members in here who have 1 or 2 posted scripts, yet they've read and reviewed literally hundreds of scripts in here. What comes around always goes around...except in my life...
Good luck with this and all your other writing projects.
Addressing your comments that your dialogue is real and first meetings don't have to be exciting - you can still have "realistic" dialogue (though I do think yours is flat here and not representative of the colloquialisms two young people would use - wouldn't they first nod at each other as acknowledgment?) and amplify it with character descriptions and actions.
At the risk of being immodest and quoting my own work, I introduce the hothead of my film, first by describing him physically, and then with action by saying "he knifes through the three-deep bar crowd and waves impatiently for service." He hasn't spoken a word, yet we know all about him. I describe another character as a "rubenesque gum-snapper" which again paints a mental picture and sets the stage for HOW they will say their first lines.