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Oh, and it's a pet peeve of mine when proper names, especially full names, are used in the logline. We don't know Calvin Hunter and Drew Spelling from Adam yet, so it doesn't matter what they're names are. If you're writing about Andy Warhol or George Washington, then sure, their names have to be there. Otherwise, not really.
How about something like this (I don't know if the descriptions are true because I haven't read it all); A young gay novelist and a too-hip slacker forge an unlikely friendship while traveling to San Francisco to restart their lives.
It's not perfect, but it's a start, and I would read it based on this logline. The only reason people are reading it now is because you bumped it and asked us to, not because of your logline.
You seem like a nice guy, with a great attitude, which I believe is step one if you ever want to make it in the television writing industry. I really like this script. I totally get it, and really like where you're going with it. I understand wanting to be realistic, but I have to agree with just some of the technical stuff. The dialogue is spot on. It totally sounds like I’m listening to people I really know personally speak, which is what I think it’s all about, regardless if others say it’s bad dialogue (they’re obviously not in our age group). I do suggest a few tweaks near the beginning, such as when Calvin is explaining why he is leaving home, about his mother thing. But, not to offend, I wouldn't take everything these people are responding into account. Some love to be harsh and rude, for whatever reason, I guess to test you, but I’m really feeling this. I get a Beverly Hills, 90210 kind of sense in the part that the show will revolve around the friendship of these two different people, kind of in the spirit of Brandon and Brenda Walsh? Just FYI, your Pilot is a treasure compared to that Pilot and it still made it on TV, so you never know. I just say make a few . . . changes. Mainly on the length. That's probably the biggest problem. There is A LOT of dialogue, but I get it why. It’s a Pilot and you’re trying to introduce your characters. These guys know that already. They know you’re not going to know any character fully right off the back in a series. That’s kind of what a series is. You all are going through the tiniest detail with fine-toothed comb, and your making yourselves sound really conceited and above everyone else on this site. IT IS a script, and it seems some of you were expecting too much. Like adding gum snapping, and what’s your pet peeve? Really? That’s not positive or negative criticism, that’s just being a plain nasty. Sorry, but hey.
Just work on it and build on it, Chris. You defiantly know how to tell a good story, which, in the end, I think it’s all about. Technical stuff can be fixed. When is Part 2 coming?
And what's people deal on the comment thing? Jeez. There are SOOOO many people registered on this website, why the heck does it matter who we’re leaving our comments for? With all the mean things you guys are saying, I wouldn’t want to review your scripts either. I mean, are any of you leaving comments, even in your twenties? No offense, but how can you relate to the characters when you’re not even in their age group, especially if you didn’t read the full script, which is kind of . . . well, I think necessary. A couple of you guys did that as well. How can you give a real critique when you only read the first 10 pages? I think it says 87 pages. So what are you really judging, cause it sure as heck isn’t the full script? Someone said do something about the POV, yet it seems to be no problem in other scripts. Someone said do something about TEASER, when it seems to be no problem in other scripts. It seems you guys are just finding ridiculous things to pick out just to have something mean to say and cloak it by saying its negative criticism, and it’s not making sense.
Honestly, man, you shouldn't have said anything about wanting people to leave responses, because that basically gives these people permission to be really mean just for the heck of it. In some of these discussion boards, people are really nice when giving a negative opinion, and there ends up being a nice, long discussion about it. They’ve seemed to turn your discussion board into a slam fest. There's a difference between giving a positive or negative critique and just wanting to tear a person down and make it better by adding a good luck at the end to smooth it all out. Just wait it out, when someone doesn't feel forced to read it, and can give you their honest opinion on it.
This was mine.
All it takes is one person (with connections, lol) to believe in your work. Good luck.
P.S. I liked your logline. That’s what got me interested in the first place. It isn't the best logline ever written but it's still draws you in. You have over 400 views on your script, so obviously others don’t mind either. Don’t make any major changes, just because one or two people say it’s a pet peeve.
Thanks, Anthony...me too...where was I mean and how did I put this writer down?
We're only trying to help. If the writer doesn't agree, that's his or her choice, but for somebody else to pop in here and go off like this is quite comical, actually.
I actually read on to Page 35 and things did not get better, sorry to say. They got worse...more mistakes, more illogical leaps,a dn nothing of any consequence taking place. Almost all dialogue, and not good dialogue at that.
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California Love
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