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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  California Love Moderators: bert
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  Author    California Love  (currently 2896 views)
Don
Posted: April 20th, 2011, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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California Love by Christopher Hackett - Series, Drama - California Love is the story of the adjustment and culture shock friends, Calvin Hunter and Drew Spelling, experience when they move to the elegant city of San Francisco, while chronicling the friendships and romantic relationships of a group of closely-knit young adults. REVISED.  87 pages - doc, format

California Love episode 2 by Christopher Hackett - Series, Drama - In the second part of this special premiere episode, Calvin and Drew are invited to the End of Summer Bash . . . a party which will turn out to be a night full of mishaps, surpises . . . and revealing a secret.   76 pages - pdf, format



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 29th, 2011, 5:59pm
Episode two posted
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CaLiforniaLov1
Posted: April 24th, 2011, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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While I'm very glad my script has finally made it on Simplyscripts, I was crazy for sending it before I could do any revisions. I'm embarassed to admit it's my work, and I'm hoping the good readers who are coming upon this script DO NOT READ IT!! Lol. I've just submitted my revised version, which is the one I would like to be read, as well as requested to have this one removed. If you've already read it, then i commend you if you happen to make it to the end. Thanks everyone.  
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CaLiforniaLov1
Posted: April 27th, 2011, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Much much better. Thanks, Don. Still got two stars, but still . . . MUCH better. Judge away
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svsg1982
Posted: May 3rd, 2011, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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This reads pretty well. Nicely formatted.  And the dialogue is good.  A bit lengthy, but good.  Reads more like a book with such long scenes but I think its a good piece of writing and something to build on.
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CaLiforniaLov1
Posted: May 20th, 2011, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. Thanks. Yeah, it is pretty long. I guess cause i imagined it as more of a special than an actual episode or pilot. My main goal was to build a story and a group of characters that could be continued on in series form afterward, if that makes sense. Still working on Part 2. I'm slow. But thanks, '82.
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CaLiforniaLov1
Posted: June 20th, 2011, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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I know it took a while, but Part Two is finally finished. It should be up soon
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CaLiforniaLov1
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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I know I keep leaving a lot of messages on here, but now that Part II is making it's way on the site, I just wanted to explain what California Love really is. Obviously, in the synopsis, coming from this Pilot, I want it to depicts the realistic lives of this group of six closely-knit young adults. Of-course, as you will see in Part II, they will not all start off friends. I want it to follow them in real time, as each character gets to know one another. I really thinks it's a great story. Maybe not the best script, but defiantly a good story. I just want to know from the people reading it, if it's something i can maybe go all the way with. Even though it'll be a super long shot, I'm the kind of guy that likes challenges, and not only that, have the talent to back it up. I just see a lot of people are reading (280, to be exact), but aren't responding to it. Please, don't be shy. I welcome all critiques, good or bad. That's the only way i'll grow. Hearing from the people who know their stuff, and can shoot me a few pointers, or tips. I'm a young man (22), who wants to try my hand at television writing, just to wrap it all up, and want to know if i have a tiny tiny chance to make it. That's why i came to simplyscripts. Thanks, guys and gals     
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Eoin
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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They aren't responding for one simple reason - you need to give reads to get reads. If you really want someone to read your script and get feedback, pay a professional. This isn't a babysitting service for scripts. Everyone is welcome here and encouraged to take part, but 'drop off and walk off' doesn't get many responses. Ya dig?
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah Chris, you need to read and review other scripts in order to get reads and reviews of your scripts.

Quid Pro Quo is the way it works here.  You've got to get to know some peeps here and the best way to do that is to take part in discussions of other scripts.

I will give this a quick look and get back with ya...
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ajr
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris,

Please forgive me as I'm rushed for time right now and I will admit to skimming through your first 8 or so pages -

I think it's too slow of a build right now. It is on the nose in places and and it's not very revealing of two twenty-somethings. We need to see something in their behaviors that tells us who they are, because dialogue reveals it too slowly.

You said the protag stared ahead nervously. Well exaggerate that then. Make him drop something or be clumsy, oafish, whatever - get us liking him and rooting for him right away. Same with Drew. We need to know why we have to invest ourselves in these people, and it's got to go beyond two strangers meeting on a bus. Maybe the reasons for going to CA need to be different / better as well.

Hope this helps and again, sorry for the rush. Oh, and be ready for Jeff's review. You told us not to be shy before? Jeff eats shy people...


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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  That was the "old Jeff"...the new one is very polite and nice...yeah, right!

OK, Chris, I read the first 10 pages and skimmed through the vast majority of the rest of this.  Let's go over a few technical things first...

You need to number your pages.  Start with Page 2.

Your "FADE IN:" should be left justified and I don't think you need to start with "TEASER".

Your spacing seems off to me.  Are you using script writing software?  You'll hear people talking about wanting to see lots of white on the page, but to me, this is "too white"!

Way too much dialogue and way too little action/description.  I have absolutely nothing against dialogue heavy, chatty scripts, but this seems to be basically all dialogue and the dialogue isn't working for me at all.  It doesn't sound natural and doesn't sound like a 22 and 23 year old's first meeting.  It's also dull and uneventful.  It's not telling us much about either of them.  It's not funny or interesting at all, as far as I'm concerned.

Your Slugs need work.  I always recommend being as exact and detailed as you can with your Slugs, as it's such an easy way to get info out to your readers. For instance, your opening Slug should be "EXT. PHOENIX BUS STATION - EVENING".  Let us know right off the bat exactly where we are, so we can draw a visual immediately.  You gave no visual description in your first action line, so by telling us we're in Phoenix in the Slug, at least we have a mental image of what it looks like.

Any and EVERY time you intro characters (whether or not they're named...and even if they're not human), you need to use all CAPS...as in "PEOPLE".

Be careful how much detail you provide in a physical description of a character, but if you're going to do it, do it immediately, not 2 lines later.

Be careful of camera directions - absolutely no need for a POV right out of the gate here.  It adds nothing and wastes like 6 lines.

You didn't intro Drew correctly at all.  No need to call him a "tall stranger" or use "MAN" in his opening dialogue...totally incorrect.

Be careful of how often you use wrylies.  You don't want to unless you really know what you're doing.  There are WAY TOO ANY on display here early on.

Don't go over 4 lines in your action passages.  They're tough to read that way.  Think of a passage as a "shot" or like actions taking place by a character, or a description of something.  Otherwise, break them up.

Don't write passively.

OK, so overall, as I said, this is all basically dialogue and it doesn't go anywhere, it's not engaging, and it's really not believable sounding.  If you want us to get to know these 2, you need them to say or do something interesting.  Maybe they're funny, witty, cool, dickish, assholish, whatever, but at this point, they're flat line for me.

I know they're both taking a bus from Phoenix to San Francisco for some reason, which isn't made clear. They don't seem to have money or a car.  Drew likes to write...and then we find out his first novel is actually hitting book stores on 3/22 (but we don't know what the current date is), so now I'm a little confused.  He has a book deal yet he's taking a frickin' bus from Phoenix to Frisco?  Hmmm...

Then we find out Calvin's gay.

Chris, you've got whole pages...and pages with nothing but dialogue...literally nothing breaking it up.  We're on a bus.  That means 2 talking heads going on and on for pages at a time.  Not very visual and not going to work, I'm sorry to say.

That's as far as I got.  Hope it helps and makes sense.  You need to cut this down and get some action lines in here and also get some actual action taking place.

Good luck!
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CaLiforniaLov1
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. That was quick. Very quick. Lol. Thanks everyone. I have been leaving my opinions about other scripts, though. But that's just random scripts, cause i'm always going through the list of unproduced. I do take everything into account, except one thing. A couple of you said, more action and too much dialogue. I'm just curious, how much action a script about people's real life needs? I'm surrounded by people my age, and feel the realism is needed, and just went from how i talk and the people around me. It's not supposed to be an action show, or a situational comedy, it's a drama, that i want to deal with real social issues going on today. The beginning is important because a friendship is born there, I didn't think it needed to be that exciting. I mean, how exciting does it get when you meet someone for the first time. That's kind of why it's attended to be a series, i don't want you to know these characters fully right off the bat. Just like in life, it takes time to get to know someone. And one more thing, i do believe there's a scene in the script where Calvin is registering for college, and bumps into Amber, my assumption was the audience would know it's the end of summer, and if not, it's defiantly made known in Part II, when Calvin and Drew attend the End of Summer Bash. Wow. I really liked hearing from you guys. Thanks a lot How can i find your scripts? Not that i'm sure i can be at liberty to judge anyones work now. Lol

P.S. Eion, i'm not sure that tone was nessecery, but thanks. I don't seem mean, do i?
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CaLiforniaLov1
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Jeff, right? And i'm not too sure about the POV thing. All of the formatting that's in the script, I took a note from from the Screenplay formatting link . . . on this very site. Just curious now, which one is correct? Are you just talking about the beginning or the entire script? Thanks.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris, yeah, I'm Jeff.

The POV issue is that IMO, you don't want to be using one here...or at all, unless it really adds to what's taking place.  Here, it doesn't at all.  It's simply you telling a potential director how to shoot this scene.  And, as I said, look how many lines it wasted.

I was asking what script writing software you're using.  I may well be incorrect, but it looked to me like there were an awful lot of extra blank lines.

And Chris, you've got a total of 8 posts on SS and 7 of them are right here on your own thread, so I'm not sure what you mean by the comment that you're reading and leaving comments on other "random" scripts.  There are many members in here who have 1 or 2 posted scripts, yet they've read and reviewed literally hundreds of scripts in here.  What comes around always goes around...except in my life...  

Good luck with this and all your other writing projects.
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ajr
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris,

Addressing your comments that your dialogue is real and first meetings don't have to be exciting - you can still have "realistic" dialogue (though I do think yours is flat here and not representative of the colloquialisms two young people would use - wouldn't they first nod at each other  as acknowledgment?) and amplify it with character descriptions and actions.

At the risk of being immodest and quoting my own work, I introduce the hothead of my film, first by describing him physically, and then with action by saying "he knifes through the three-deep bar crowd and waves impatiently for service." He hasn't spoken a word, yet we know all about him. I describe another character as a "rubenesque gum-snapper" which again paints a mental picture and sets the stage for HOW they will say their first lines.

Good luck with it -

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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ajr
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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Oh, and it's a pet peeve of mine when proper names, especially full names, are used in the logline. We don't know Calvin Hunter and Drew Spelling from Adam yet, so it doesn't matter what they're names are. If you're writing about Andy Warhol or George Washington, then sure, their names have to be there. Otherwise, not really.

How about something like this (I don't know if the descriptions are true because I haven't read it all); A young gay novelist and a too-hip slacker forge an unlikely friendship while traveling to San Francisco to restart their lives.

It's not perfect, but it's a start, and I would read it based on this logline. The only reason people are reading it now is because you bumped it and asked us to, not because of your logline.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/

Revision History (1 edits)
ajr  -  June 29th, 2011, 8:05am
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JayEssence
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Chris

     You seem like a nice guy, with a great attitude, which I believe is step one if you ever want to make it in the television writing industry. I really like this script. I totally get it, and really like where you're going with it. I understand wanting to be realistic, but I have to agree with just some of the technical stuff. The dialogue is spot on. It totally sounds like I’m listening to people I really know personally speak, which is what I think it’s all about, regardless if others say it’s bad dialogue (they’re obviously not in our age group). I do suggest a few tweaks near the beginning, such as when Calvin is explaining why he is leaving home, about his mother thing. But, not to offend, I wouldn't take everything these people are responding into account. Some love to be harsh and rude, for whatever reason, I guess to test you, but I’m really feeling this. I get a Beverly Hills, 90210 kind of sense in the part that the show will revolve around the friendship of these two different people, kind of in the spirit of Brandon and Brenda Walsh? Just FYI, your Pilot is a treasure compared to that Pilot and it still made it on TV, so you never know. I just say make a few . . . changes. Mainly on the length. That's probably the biggest problem. There is A LOT of dialogue, but I get it why. It’s a Pilot and you’re trying to introduce your characters. These guys know that already. They know you’re not going to know any character fully right off the back in a series. That’s kind of what a series is. You all are going through the tiniest detail with fine-toothed comb, and your making yourselves sound really conceited and above everyone else on this site.  IT IS a script, and it seems some of you were expecting too much. Like adding gum snapping, and what’s your pet peeve? Really? That’s not positive or negative criticism, that’s just being a plain nasty. Sorry, but hey.

Just work on it and build on it, Chris. You defiantly know how to tell a good story, which, in the end, I think it’s all about. Technical stuff can be fixed. When is Part 2 coming?

And what's people deal on the comment thing? Jeez. There are SOOOO many people registered on this website, why the heck does it matter who we’re leaving our comments for? With all the mean things you guys are saying, I wouldn’t want to review your scripts either. I mean, are any of you leaving comments, even in your twenties? No offense, but how can you relate to the characters when you’re not even in their age group, especially if you didn’t read the full script, which is kind of . . . well, I think necessary. A couple of you guys did that as well. How can you give a real critique when you only read the first 10 pages? I think it says 87 pages. So what are you really judging, cause it sure as heck isn’t the full script? Someone said do something about the POV, yet it seems to be no problem in other scripts. Someone said do something about TEASER, when it seems to be no problem in other scripts. It seems you guys are just finding ridiculous things to pick out just to have something mean to say and cloak it by saying its negative criticism, and it’s not making sense.

Honestly, man, you shouldn't have said anything about wanting people to leave responses, because that basically gives these people permission to be really mean just for the heck of it. In some of these discussion boards, people are really nice when giving a negative opinion, and there ends up being a nice, long discussion about it. They’ve seemed to turn your discussion board into a slam fest. There's a difference between giving a positive or negative critique and just wanting to tear a person down and make it better by adding a good luck at the end to smooth it all out. Just wait it out, when someone doesn't feel forced to read it, and can give you their honest opinion on it.

This was mine.

All it takes is one person (with connections, lol) to believe in your work. Good luck.

P.S. I liked your logline. That’s what got me interested in the first place. It isn't the best logline ever written but it's still draws you in. You have over 400 views on your script, so obviously others don’t mind either.  Don’t make any major changes, just because one or two people say it’s a pet peeve.
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ajr
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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JayEssence,

Can you please point out where I was harsh or rude?


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Anthony...me too...where was I mean and how did I put this writer down?

We're only trying to help.  If the writer doesn't agree, that's his or her choice, but for somebody else to pop in here and go off like this is quite comical, actually.

I actually read on to Page 35 and things did not get better, sorry to say.  They got worse...more mistakes, more illogical leaps,a dn nothing of any consequence taking place.  Almost all dialogue, and not good dialogue at that.

Just trying to help...
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bert
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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What if I were to tell you that C. Lovin' and J. Essence were the same guy?

Would it make sense then?

Silly rabbit.  Tricks are for kids.

+++++++++++

Don's edit.  locked pending investigation.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 29th, 2011, 7:01pm
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