Floaters from Hell Episode 1: "God's Tits" by Tony Bealieu (tonybe7 - Series, Black Comedy - Pilot episode for a web-series about the dirty deals that go down in the cut-throat world of childrens book publishing. 15 pages - doc, format

Tony, are you active on the board?

Not as active as I should be. I Joined a few months ago and reviewed a few scripts, then quickly fell behind. But if anyone is looking for some feedback just message me and I will gladly read your stuff and tell you what I think.

And about this script: I'm aware of the format errors. Its not that I don't know how to properly format, I just don't use any expensive programs like final draft. I wrote this using a simple stylesheet for microsoft word, the format looks correct on my computer and when I print it out, but when I share it it messes up like this. That is why character names are in caps and so forth.

And as too the content: I don't know, in hind sight I may have gone to far. I wrote it late one night just off a vague idea for a comedy series. The goal here was to craft a black comedy that doesn't rely so much on individual jokes as it does the complete absurdity of the situation at hand.

So I hope you all enjoy, and if you don't then don't tear me up too bad, I'm sensitive.

Hi Tony. I just wanted to make sure you were here before I read your script and gave you feedback. I read the first few pages and it made me laugh a few times. I will read it in its entirety in the next few days.

BTW, I hope this helps. You dont need final draft or any other expensive software.

You can simply convert a word .doc to PDF easily. I use this handy bit of freeware:

http://sourceforge.net/projects/pdfcreator/

Easy to use, and you get your script in the wonderful PDF format.

This didn't really do anything for me.  

Vulgarity for shock value has been done and in this case it doesn't work.  Donna whoring herself out for a deal, does nothing for the story either.  Peter's dialogue when he's about to get his balls cut off sounds like he's reading a cue card.  

If I were being assaulted by two Tough Guys in my apartment, I'm not going to say, "Who are you?  What is it you want?".  A more natural reaction would be,  "Who the fuck are you?!  Get the fuck out of here!  Help!!!  Ahhhhhh!!!!"

On the bright side...I loved Tom Clancy's new book.

Basket Case- Thanks for the tidbit, I'm sure I'll be using that a lot in the future.

Nomad- Thank you for your input. I appreciate that you took the time to read my script, and I will take into consideration everything you said.

I completely get what you're saying about the being shocking thing. Like I said earlier, I think I may have taken it too far. But the humor was originally supposed to be derived from the juxtaposition of innocent childrens books and extreme violence, sex and vulgarity. If it fell flat, well atleast I tried it out.

Hey there. There's nothing here to suggest that you went to far, to be honest. Although having anything do with children and then having R-rated violence and sex is going to problematic unless handled really cleverly, and with a clear vision from the get go.

I wont deal with many of format issues because of what you stated above, but this sentance really stood out:

"There’s a light tap at the half-opened door. MCCORMACK snarls, “Come in”."

I'm not sure why this wouldn't be written in normal dialogue format? It's then followed by dialogue in correct format. Just seems strange.

As far as the story itself. I think there's some funny lines and half decent character interaction in spots, but there's also large doses of overdoing it. In one bit of dialogue we have two c*unts, one tw*t and a c*ck. Sometimes less is more, and has a better impact.

I'm not sure about the Tom Clancy thing. He does put his name on everything but not sure if it works within the context of kids books. I'm no expert on him so I might be off base on that point.

Are you going to continue with more episodes? It's kinda hard to give feedback on the first episode of a series, because it's polite to give stuff a chance and see where it goes in the next episode. The first really only lays down the foundations.

Thanks for you input. I really appreciate you're well thought out post.

But in answer to your question, no I don't think I will be continuing this series. It was really just a one off, a concept that I wanted to try out. Although I do have a few ideas for more episodes, so you never know.

LMAO!!! I love it Mr. McCormack is an asshole in a funny way. Im interested to see how Ryan is going to handle working for his boss. please check out A.D.O.C.V it out there

Quoted from tonybe78 Thanks for you input. I really appreciate you're well thought out post. But in answer to your question, no I don't think I will be continuing this series. It was really just a one off, a concept that I wanted to try out. Although I do have a few ideas for more episodes, so you never know.

Please don't take this wrong, but if you don't plan on making a series out of it, you really should have just submit this to the 'Short' section. I'm not criticizing. I'm just saying, as BC pointed out, it's hard to give proper constructive criticism with just the first of a series. So as far as plot and story structure, which are ESSENTIAL for any script, good or bad format, you won't get any help here.

However, I would be interested in seeing where this could go. I think a good rewrite (using the criticisms listed above), and at least a second episode would give people a clearer understanding of your abilities, and allow them/us to give feedback that would help you polish your stories.