Hey haven't been on here for awhile but wanted to return the read.

When you say all the characteristics of eeyore, I'm guessing you just mean attitude.  Might as well just say that.

Don't know if Oliver twist is a common enough reference, I have no idea what that looks like,

Being an eternal nail under the hammer in The place for incarcerating....  Who talks like this?  Kinda overwritten, IMHO

He feels like his hearts being ripped out?  Generally not supposed to use emotions, just what they appear as.
Staple gun joke is funny.

Overall... Won't comment on the format, seems like there's plenty of comments on that.

I had trouble liking mickey.  Some of his lines are good, but he seems like kinda a fruity bitch in the petshop with all the baby talk.  Getting that sassy underdog vibe right is kinda tough, but I think you need to work on him a bit.  Also seems like there's a lot of filler convo where nothing funny or plot wise is happening.  Being a sitcom there should be a laugh every minute, and if there isn't maybe rethink the scene.
Other than that i think the other comments covered it, especially a little too much telling instead of showing.  Good luck with it.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Have a question here...for Henrik I guess. Is this really correct format? ALL CAPS? Just asking because I opened this one up, but didn't get very far due to the format. CAPS mostly. It hurt my eyes and it all seemed to scream at me. If I'm wrong and this is correct way of writing. Let me know and I'll give it a second try.

Sorry about not responding earlier, I haven't been following this thread actively.

But in reply, yes, this is the appropriate sitcom format. This is what the screenwriting software will give you if you use a sitcom preset. You can see that the format is ubiquitous if you look at sitcom scripts from production, like the ones you can read here:

https://sites.google.com/site/tvwriting/us-comedy/show-collections

Thank you Henrik, I use that site alot for examples of tv sitcom writing.

And for anyone else, im not trying to be fresh, but I entered this script into 2 contests 'page awards' and wildsound and the feedback i got was that my format was correct.

Mark

Just thought I'd post this so you know I'm working on it. Haven't finished yet so I'm doing this in two parts.

The format is wrong if you're used to only reading screenplays, but I trust you that it's perfect for television so I will not mention anything about that. Will instead look at characters and story.  I have read TV scripts before though including one that George Lopes read and it was written like a screenplay as far as caps and spacing goes and he didn't say that was wrong...  

pg    1.    confusion! Mickey is in the kitchen and then an arm rises up from the sofa. Is there a sofa in the kitchen? If so, maybe better descriptions of the kitchen is needed. If not, doesn't there need to be mentioned that we have now moved into another room? TV scripts can't be THAT different from screenplays can they?

how old is Mickey?

pg    2.    IMHO, Mickey's first piece of dialogue doesn't really work for me. It seems forced. Too long.

pg    3.    there are very few descriptions of what's going on. Is this common for TV scripts? "MICKEY ROLLS HIS EYES AND DROPS HIS HEAD TOWARDS HIS MOM."  I didn't even know she were standing anywhere near him.

pg    4.    I would suggest that you check some of your dialogue. I have no idea how old Mickey is still, but I'm thinking he's a teenager. IMO he doesn't talk like one. Doesn't mean he should cuss or anything, but little things can mean a lot. for example, wouldn't he say "we'll" instead of "we will"? Things like that would make the dialogue sound a lot more real. at least to me.

pg    5.    again, not sure if this is correct for TV scripts, but I think Mickey's reaction to Peggy's statement should be described rather than stated how he feels.

I thought Mickey's dialogue about the liquor store hold-up was pretty good, but I think the last line is worded very clunky and should be rewritten. right now, it almost ruins something that could be pretty funny.

pg    8.    to - do

pg    9.    again, very jarring not knowing exactly where the characters are positioned or what they are doing. Mickey slams the door all of a sudden…is he leaving?

meow…they have everything here? where? the fridge or the store?

hmmm….not sure about Mickey. his dialogue at the petshop made me cringe. how old is he? he reminds me of Fred on youtube….

wondering if Mickey's actions go with your descriptions of him. first he talks to the animals like someone who loves them, but then you describe him as someone who doesn't want to be there. those two don't go hand in hand if you ask me.

pg   10.   "reverts back to tapping on the counter" I didn't even know he was tapping on the counter…

pg   11.    Jimmy's comment about Peggy here sets a slightly more crude tone to this script than what we've seen so far. just my opinion of course. and then later again on page 12.

I've only read to page 16 so far. there are some funny moments in there and this has potential. my biggest problem so far is Mickey himself. I'm having a really hard time picturing this guy. I have no idea how old he is or what he looks like or anything. you described him as plain and like Eeyore, but to me he comes across as Fred on YouTube. I don't necessarily dislike him, I just can't get a handle on him.

I'm also wondering what rating you were going for. talk of drinking, small penises and "are you gay or what" doesn't sound like family friendly show to me. maybe that's common nowadays and I've just stayed away from TV shows for a loooong time.

I'll finish this up tomorrow.  

Thanks for looking so far Pia...

I forgot to enter Mickey`s age, he is actually in his early 20's
As for tv scripts, description is usuallly short, as its more dialouge driven, its basically a stageplay on tv.

I was aiming for more of a It's always sunny on philadephia humor...adult humor kind of crass.
It is definatley not a family friendly script.

Pg3 I kinda figured that if his mom stormed in from the bedroom, then opened up a conversation with him and his uncle, that she would be standing somewhere near him...

Mickey, as with alot of people has different sides depending on who you are around...some people bring out the butthole(jimmy) in you, some people bring out the child in you(his mom and the animals) I dont expect Mickey to have a the same tone with his animals that he loves as with his uncle that he hates.

Personally . I have 2 kids and little puppy and when people come over, they have a tendancy of talking all cutsie to the puppy or the kids and i bring out the badness in them, in which there tone is completely different, lovingly fun but different.

Please dont compare Mickey to that Fred guy!!!!! I cant stand Fred, whereas Mickey as you`ll find out has my complete sympathies.

thanks again

pg   17.    The whole meeting thing with Sally seems bizarre.  She's heavy set, but easy on the eyes. She mentions three other stores in town, but not the pet shop she stands in front of and she starts talking really close to Mickey about how she was conceived. I had a really hard time picturing this.

pg   20.    I think Sally being bit by the snake is pretty funny as a suicide attempt, but it all happens way too fast. I think the whole thing with Sally would take only about a minute of screen time and that's way too fast for an audience to get any real emotions out of it. It's too random. She shows up, goes inside, gets bitten, gets mad and leaves.

At the bar we finally have some characterization going on. I could see and hear the characters talk and move. IMHO, you need more of that in your previous scenes as well. Especially the one with Sally. That one didn't have much to offer about anything.

pg   45.    Mickey and who else are the only two left?

pg   46.    Loved the M*A*S*H song!

Okay finished. Not as detailed as yesterday, but I had some errands to do today and actually read part of this on my phone whole getting a pedicure.    Anyway, I didn't think this started to come alive until we get to the bar. Until then it seemed very jumpy with very short little scenes that didn't accomplish much. I don't watch sit-coms at all. In fact, I hate them. Except for shows like MASH.    So, I can't say I'm really sure how they flow as story on paper, but I must at least assume it's like a film where you have to get the audience to care for your characters. Lets use MASH as an example. Every single character in that show is so distinct. So unique and different from each other. I know you tried to make your characters different too and you did in a way in your introduction descriptions of them, but after that they are still sort of the same. Look at how they talk. With the possible exception of Chad, they all sound the same. There are no particular speech patterns to separate them nor are there any physical little tics that separate them either. Mickey, IMO didn't stay the same at all. The annoying "Fred" like character he comes across as in the beginning isn't there at all in the end. Comedy is different for everyone, so even though I didn't find this hilarious, I still think that your biggest problem here is your characters. All great sit-coms must have great and memorable characters that we either love, hate or love to hate.

The story itself is okay. Like I said, it started to come alive once we get to the bar. My only question here though is that the pet store is billed as an integral part of the show, but we spend only a minute or two there. This story so far takes place mostly at the bar. It ended sort of with a cliffhanger which is almost required, I think,

All in all, I think you did an okay job, but it needs work in order to be really good.

Hope this is of any help and good luck with it.  

Thank you very much Pia, I enjoyed the fact you were reading it while getting a pedicure

You took your time out to read it and for that I greatly appreciate.  You made me look twice at my script, sometimes 3 times, there are definately a few flaws in there, which is why it`s hard to proofread your own work.

As you stated comedy is different for everyone, some people thought it was hilarious, others not, it depends on the person... I don`t take offence in anyway.

Thanks Again

Mark

Hi Mark,

I'm afraid I had many issues with this one.

The first one I'll mention isn't really your fault. That's the format. All CAPS? Really? Honestly a huge pain to read. I'd look into whether or not this is absolutely necessary. Also, the spaces in the dialogue... are those supposed to be for notes or something? Some things are hard to get around but I'd definitely try to research some ways to "cheat" and make the format a little more bearable. As of now, I can't say I'd really want to slog through another teleplay.

I can't say I really buy your setup. What I got from the logline sounded fine. But the details are problematic. Harry's will reads very sloppy and stream of consciousness, especially with all the P.S., P.P.S., P.P.P.S., ...not sure how many wills come with postscript nowadays; seems like they'd want to be more to the point with as few afterthoughts as possible. There seems to be the implication that Jimmy may have forged it but either way, I think it needs to be reworked. I think the language is too suspicious for Mickey or his mother not to question it. I also find it strange that, assuming Jimmy did forge it, he was smart enough to make it look like it was notarized but not smart enough to make it read like an actual will.

All that aside, why does Jimmy want to run the pet shop anyway, even with our supposedly "no nonsense" protagonist pretty much just throwing his ownership to the wind and handing it over (speaking of which, if Mickey's the shop owner, how does Harry get to dictate how it's run?)? At the end, he tells Frankie he wants to destroy it from within... why? There's a line which suggests that the shop doesn't do much business. What interest could Jimmy possibly have in it?

It seems like Jimmy is trying to make Mickey's life hell... just because. This puts a damper on just about every scene that follows as a result. It all just feels pointless.

Not sure how I feel about Mickey. "No nonsense?" Again, not really. He seems to let Jimmy walk all over him. His talking to the animals when he first gets to the shop doesn't read as funny either. Or even charmingly quirky. Just creepy and awkward. Not all that "average" either.

Bob and Brad don't work for me either. When they're first introduced, I assumed they were Jimmy's friends. But apparently they're Mickey's friends? Doesn't seem like that at all. Why does he hire them anyway? Cause they're dumb as bricks and will wreak havoc at the shop? We don't seem to have gotten their just yet.

Sally sounds like a potentially interesting character. Though I'd have preferred you didn't just sum her character up through dialogue... which comes at a very awkward moment, BTW. Mickey is apologizing for being a dick and she's clearly annoyed with him. She can accept his apology, sure, but why open up all of a sudden? That aside, this is a series. One of the luxuries of a series is that you don't have to sum up a character all at once. Honestly, I'd rather get to know Sally over time as she's the only character who's clicking with me at this point.

At the end of the day, I didn't really find much of this funny. For a sitcom, it feels pretty aimless and lethargic. Not much going on. All the jokes seem to come from the dialogue and most of them don't seem to set their sights too high. The humor needs more wit. More sass. More zaniness, perhaps. It's all pretty listless thus far. No situation in the comedy or vice versa. Something needs to change.

Sorry, man, but this really didn't do much for me. I can't say I really see it going anywhere, at least in its current incarnation. Needs work and lots of it.

Thanks James for the read and sorry it didn`t work for you.... the caps thing has been explained multiple times in previous replies(after research even Pia conceded it was right).

I need to explain that this is a pilot and with pilots, you have to drop the basic of what the sitcom is gonna be about. It sets up for future episodes in other words critising the simplicity of the will, the mother never really commented because in the next episode she knew it was a fake and let it go for a certain reason. Again Brad and Bob were hired for a reason, in a future episode
Harry was Mickey`s dad and was the owner until his death...Mickey runs the shop...
Frankie wants revenge and is using Jimmy, which is why Jimmy is running the shop it is all explained in the script in the bar scene.

Comedy is an over exaggerated drama, you get away with a lot in comedy sitcoms because they are simple... no bells or whistles.....I can name 100`s of comedies many failed some successes that dont make sense but they are comedies so nobody takes it serious, which is what I feel you are doing with my script.
If you don`t find it funny that`s one thing but a lot of things you commented on either expliained in the script or setup for future episodes...

I can only write so much in a pilot.

Thanks again

Mark

Hey Mark,

I understand you have done this in a sitcom format which is certainly different but it didn’t affect my read and I enjoyed seeing a different format to be honest.

There was error I saw on page 46, “Mickey are the only two left in the bar” and a few lines that could be changed for the better. I mean things like “Then positions into the child pose yoga position” Lines like this look confusing and are hard to read IMO

I had a few chuckles here and there and I think there is potential, but there are a lot of problems with the story IMO.

Mickey is too weak as your main protagonist; he acted like a teenager throughout and needs to be stronger to carry a story along especially in a pilot for a series.

The pet shop was mentioned in the logline and it appears that the series will revolve around it but we spent hardly any time in there, more in Murphy’s bar in fact.

Also the Bob and Brad characters didn’t work for me and I think you’ve made it too easy for them to get involved in the pet shop.  If they are not doing much business, how could they afford two more wages?

I did like Chad, thought he was funny when he acted like he couldn’t speak good English to his customers; also Sally has a lot potential to go further.

Overall I think this could do with a little work, especially Mickey, he needs to be stronger.

In saying all of this, I think it is always best to judge a series over a few episodes and I look forward to reading more if you to intend to post any.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Thanks Steve for the read and feedback.

I realise Mickey`s character is not liked by a few people and I forgot to write the ages which he is early 20`s... Mickey is more like a spoilt teenager protected by his mom and as the series grows he grows...

I liked your statement that ` I think it is always best to judge a series over a few episodes ` because alot of people cant take in that it is a pilot and they are the most difficult to write, I am nearly finshed the 2nd episode so hopefully I can get better judgement.
I fixed the error on page 46 and installed the ages, I just have to repost it.

Brad and Bob is kindof my slapstick dumb and dumber characters and there were reasons for their employment in a future episode.
Hopefully I can tie up some loose ends with the next episode

Thanks again steve

Hey Mark.

Sorry it's taken a couple of days to get back to you with this. I'll give you my initial thoughts first, then a select few things in particular I noticed along the way.

I guess the first thing I will start with is the fact that they're Irish. After a few pages it just clicked, you're Irish and the names made me realise they probably are too. The reason I mention this is when I read the dialogue in my own voice it didn't have a great flow, but when I put an Irish accent on (the best I can), it worked a whole lot better. If it is indeed the case they do have an accent I think it needs to be stated, especially with some reviews mentioning the dialogue not quite working. It may help a little.

On the whole it was amusing, a few points in particular I shall point out, though some of the stuff didn't work for me. But hey, that's comedy. I can imagine it being filmed with a laughter track, but I'm not sure that's a good thing. Seems to work for some shows though.

And just a quick point about the length. 51 pages seems a bit of an odd amount. I know it's TV so it may be different for TV scripts, but I'm wandering if it's still a page a minute? If so 51 minutes is odd, if it's an hour long show, surely it would be more like 45, taking in consideration for adverts. I'm guessing you would know better than me but maybe something to think about?

Also you seem to use 'your' instead of 'you're' a lot.

I probably didn't notice everything but these are things that flagged up on my way through...

pg1 Mickey has two separate dialogue boxes. Does he need to?

pg2 Mickeys dialogue is a mouthful, and no '?' for the question.

pg4 Jimmy's dialogue is a mouthful and I don't know what Tundra is.

pg5 The stampede of elephants part seemed unnecessary

pg6 The staple gun not being loaded made me chuckle

pg 8 There was no 'ps' before 'pps'. I'm wandering if Jimmy wrote the letter? Don't know the child yoga pose, just a yoga pose would do.

pg10 How do we know he does it every day? I think his cutsie wutsie stuff would work if he was a mans man, with a beard and the like. Doesn't quite work as it is.

pg14 I chuckled at the boy saying his python wouldn't care, they all taste the same.

pg15 I feel Jimmy's dialogue could do with a full stop. It's a mouthful.

pg17 you say Sally is heavyset, it implies fat. Turns out she's easy on the eye.

pg21 how do we know Chad has a passion for karaoke?

pg22 The 'touche' convo made me chuckle.

pg23 Brad says 'well, because... Bruce Lee and stuff'. I laughed out loud.

pg24 Chads accent is a tough read IMO.

pg25 Where did the sushi come from?

pg28 I chuckled at the drunk. Didn't make sense with the conversation as to why Brad and Bob cried.

pg33 Take out the 'AS' so Brad just falls, clearer visually.

pg40 Should be 'given' instead of 'giving' in dialogue.

pg46 I found the interaction with Mickey and Sally was quite sweet.

pg48 The police song quote tickled me.

pg50 The call to find out what the word meant, Chad knowing instantly what it was about was genius.

I hope that helps, any questions about any of my points just ask.

Cheers.

ps my script isn't up yet, it's called 'Bad Day Baby Buffalo' so if you see it, don't be a stranger.

Hey Arty thanks for the feedback I do appreciate it.. Ill be checking out Bad Day Baby Buffalo as soon as it`s up.


As for the script:

Jimmy is actually the only one who is from Ireland(besides his dead brother) I should have stated that.

All the contest that I enter ask for between 30-60 pages for a pilot(probably so they cut the s*** out of it).

Page 1 ohhh crap I sent a revised version and obviously got to lazy to fully check it.... You are right he doesn`t need 2

I`ve been so busy writing episode 2 and 3, no excuse though.

"no" wasn`t a question it was a statement maybe i should have wrote nooooooo

Tundra is an extremly cold temp in the artic

page 17 Sally description is actually one of my most praised lines in the script, its the fact that she is heavy, but is pleasant to look at, im just kinda tired of all sitcoms having skinny beautiful women as lead roles its so cliche

pg 10 and pg21 they are description terms, im telling the audience what they are like, I dont expect  them to know

pg24 if you think thats bad originally I had him talking like that the whole script!
pg 25 on the bar.. sometimes you gotta look past the obvious on a comedy

pg 28 they didn`t cry their bottom lips just quivered because Jimmy was demoralising them even more than the low they already felt

Im glad you gotta few chuckles out of it, Ive posted the 2nd episode, which will have a lot of answers for you about the pilot.

thanks again arty

Mark

Hey Mark,

Episode 2:

Again this is written in a “sitcom” formatting script style which is what you have chosen to do so I won’t give you too much slack for it. I just wonder whether you have tried writing this in a traditional spec script style, how it would look different?  Have you tried writing this in a different way? I would be interested to see how you would change things?

Example:
The first scene. “ MICKEY, JIMMY AND BOB ARE ALL WAITING AT THE PET
SHOP FOR BRAD`S ARRIVAL.” On a normal spec script, this reads wrong IMO but in a sitcom script the rules are different so it’s hard to judge certain aspects of this script. Hope you understand where I’m coming from.

Also, 57 pages feels long for a series but again the timeframe is different with the format you have chosen to use. I believe it’s 30 seconds for every page instead of the standard minute.

I am writing a series of my own but I have chosen to use the standard spec formatting for mine, I just wondered if you have considered it at all?

So the second episode, this time we spend more time in the pet store, less in Murphy’s bar. We go further into Mickey and Sally’s relationship with Mickey using a condom for the first time. Bob and Brad become the unlikely heroes and Jimmy has self doubt about what he’s doing.

All in all a good episode but some things were lacking IMO. Jimmy felt neglected; in fact we didn’t see him for around 30 pages through the middle act. Chad, my favourite character only got a cameo role near the end and again for me, the Bob and Brad characters are not working.

I will praise you for tying their story into the overall plot though; I was going to say their part was superfluous until the last few pages so well done for that.

I didn’t think much of Sally’s landlord, he didn’t work for me and I felt you overdid the Mickey/Sally scenes in this episode.

There were some good chuckles along the way, Sally mistaking Mickey jerking off a highlight for me. Although I didn’t like Bob and Brad, they did give me a few laughs so there is potential for them to work.

The formatting like I said I can say much about, I don’t know enough about it but I would be interested to see this in a normal spec format.

The grammar definitely needs work I’m afraid Mark, I noticed a lot and although I have written some down in the notes, there were lots that I didn’t. Also the use of “ing” words, I saw a few when they could have been be reworded for the better.

These are the notes I took during the read:

Page 1: . “ MICKEY, JIMMY AND BOB ARE ALL WAITING AT THE PET
SHOP FOR BRAD`S ARRIVAL.” This reads awkward even for a sitcom format. Maybe it should just be “MICKEY, JIMMY AND BOB WAIT, MICKEY CHECKS HIS WATCH” We take out “pet shop” We know this from the slug anyway, also take out “Brad’s arrival” Just having Mickey check his watch shows us he’s waiting, he then know Brad is late when he arrives and they start talking. All this saves much need space.

Is all the bold font part of this format?

Page 3: There is a big gap on page 3, three quarters of the page is unwritten, again this part of the formatting you are using and I’m not too sure about it.
EDIT: I see this happens alot so it must be the sitcom formatting so forget about this!

Page 4: “A PROSTITUTE WHO WORKS HER SHIFT OUTSIDE
SALLY`S BUILDING.” This is telling not showing. We can’t see this on screen.

Don’t like the “lovesick” line, not sure what that means? Is he shy? Embarrassed?

Page 5:  “JUST THEN BRAD AND BOB RUSH OVER TO INTRODUCE
THEMSELVES.” I would take out “to introduce themselves” It’s not needed IMO.

You use “puppy” and “dog” for the same animal, I think there is a distinction between the two so I would get rid of “dog” in the description and stick to “puppy.”

Page 9: “SALLY GRABS MICKEY BY THE HAND.” Glad she didn’t grab him by his dick!
                                                  
                                               BOB
                                    Just give him a little time and
                                    gently care.
“Gently” Think should be “gentle”

Page 11: “DESIREES SCREAMS, GRABS THE BAG AND LIFTS OUT THE
PUPPY.”  There’s an extra “s” on Desiree. Should be “Desiree screams”

Desiree just left without paying? This pet shop is going out of business fast like this?

Page 12: We changed slug to Murphy’s bar but never changed back to the pet shop after the phone call?

Page 15: “” You a funny guy” could be “You’re a funny guy”

“he is spoken for” could be “He’s spoken for”

Page 16: I think you need to change slug when Sally goes into the bathroom or have her talk off screen?

Page 18: He pops the “video” in the machine, it was a DVD before?

Page 25: Sally keeps grabbing Mickey by the hand? Cut down on this line, I think I’ve seen it 4 times already.

Page 26: “HE PROMPTS BRAD TO PICK IT UP.” Dialogue would work better here IMO.

Page 28: “THE MAN HOLDS UP THE GUN A MOVES IT BACK AND FORTH
BETWEEN THE GUYS.” Think it’s suppose to be “and” between gun and moves?

Missing apostrophe in “I’ll” in Man’s dialogue.

“THE MAN IS A NARCOLEPTIC.” Telling us, not showing.

Page 29: “HE PICKS UP THE PIECE THE PAPER AND STARTS TO MAKE
CHANGES TO THE NOTE.” Should be “He picks up the piece “of” paper instead of “the”

Page 31:                  MICKEY
                    Ohh please your turning me on.
Your, should “you’re”

Page 33: Another missing apostrophe in “I’ll”

Page 34: INT. PHARMACY ON MAIN STREET – DAY. Just needs to be pharmacy IMO.

“MICKEY IS STARTS TO BLINK LIKE CRAZY LIKE HE JUST
SWALLOWED BATTERY ACID” Take out “is” after Mickey.

“THE LADY FINALLY FINISHED AS MICKEY SLAPS THE CONDOMS
ON THE COUNTER.” This reads awkward.

Page 36: “MICKEY STOPS, PICKS UP HIS HEAD” When did he drop his head!

Page 38: “JIMMY PULLS A SEAT UP AT THE BAR COUNTER. HE LOOKS
AT LITTLE NERVOUS AT CHAD.” This needs to be reworded. He looks “at” little nervous at Chad. Supposed to “a”

Page 40: “THE MAN RUNS QUICKLY OUT THE BAR. THE OTHER MAN SITS QUIETLY ON HIS SEAT.” This is why I always think you need to give names to talking characters, this reads so confusing IMO?

Page 45: “Well thank you enlightenment.” Should be “Well, thank you for the enlightenment”

“WITH VENOM SPITTING FROM HER MOUTH.” Change this description unless Peggy has turned into a snake?

Page 46:                       CHAD
                        Or when someone calls you by
                        your full name, you know your in
                        trouble.
Take out “or” at the beginning of Chad’s dialogue. Also “your” should be “you’re”

Okay, this is picky but I always like consistency, Jimmy originally grabbed a seat then it became a stool later, now Peggy pulls a seat. Change them all to stool because I’m guessing you’re thinking of a bar stool; it helps for consistency in the readers mind IMO.

“You were giving” change to “given”

“Your fired.” Change to “you’re fired” Keep an eye on this, I have seen it a lot throughout.

"What!" Add a question mark.

“Excuse that is from my brother. . .and it`s notarized.” Think you’re missing “me” after excuse?

Page 49: “JIMMY PICKS UP HIS DRINKS” How many has he got? Change to “drink”

Another missing apostrophe.

Page 52: “JIMMY HAS HEAD CEMENTED ON THE BAR COUNTER.” Sounds painful! missing “his” between has and head but again this reads awkward.

Page 54: “A HUGE CROWD OBSERVES AS A REPORTER POINTS TO THE
PET SHOP WERE COPS ARE SEEN REMOVING THE ROBBER IN
HANDCUFFS.”  Think it’s supposed to be “where” between shop and cops.

Page 55: “main street Rome” is this supposed to be road?

Were, supposed to be “where”

“Banging own head off” Missing “his”

All in all a solid effort and with a bit of polishing around the edges this could be a lot better. And I didn’t see any “beats”

Hope this all helps mate.

Good work Mark, keep it up.

Steve

Steve thanks for your  feedback....

Quoted from Steve The grammar definitely needs work I’m afraid Mark, I noticed a lot and although I have written some down in the notes, there were lots that I didn’t.

I laughed my arse off, just at the amount of amateur mistakes you made me aware of.... I rushed this just to get it out and that`s even more amateur.

Quoted from Steve Is all the bold font part of this format?

Yeah sadly it is it comes along with my software and I use other tv formats as templates

page 15 comment  That`s how Bert talks
page 45 comment  Jimmy is being sarcastic calling Chad "enlightenment"
page 55 comment Rome is where this all takes place

I originally wrote this as a screenplay a few years ago and a few people suggested on this site it would be better off as a sitcom.

I should keep better track off my pages, when i enter it in contests they always ask for between 30-60 pages.

Anyways I`m gonna revise it tonight because I feel like such jackass.
Thank you for making me feel this way

Your the best Steve

Mark