Hey Mark,
Finally got around to giving your new pilot a read today. Sorry it took me a little while.
There are some nice new additions which help bring the latter episodes more to light – the religious aspect of Peggy being one.
I guess your main reason for going for a new pilot was to give some insight into Mickey’s life before Jimmy comes into play and interrupts it. I think you made a good start with the opening teaser which shows Mickey’s almost childlike attitude with the Spiderman pyjamas not to mention his lack of shall we say physical attributes.
I also liked the that you gave Mickey some independence, he wants to save the pet store without any help which obviously will be tested in coming episodes which brings some more conflict between the two.
Another good aspect was the clear goal set up for Mickey, he needs to make a certain amount of money to pay off the Frankie and get back his pet store. I was a bit surprised that you didn’t actually play out a scene between Peggy and Mickey which explains this which could have been a nice moment between mother and son. I found out but it was through Frankie instead and when we come back to Mickey, he already knows.
The best element of the new pilot has to be the intro of Frankie which was needed to help the rest of the series. We now have an antag – a face and knowledge of what Mickey is up against in this strong and powerful man who had a kinda of “Cape Fear” intro with the tattoos which showed he hated animals. Another great tie-in with the pet store – the antag hates animals.
I thought Jimmy could have had some more to do but maybe that would defeat what you were trying to do here, it was supposed to be about Mickey.
I do think that you should have ended with Mickey and Jimmy meeting like in the teaser in the original pilot – this would have left it on a high note for episode two, especially after Chad had revealed that they hate each other earlier in the episode. Imagine ending it with the two guys face to face angry, it sets up anticipation for the next episode.
My issues with the new pilot would be Sally; I think you need to give her and Mickey some more to do together towards the end… at least a longer conversation rather than Mickey just taking off. Maybe he could ask why she tried to commit suicide which gives us a little back-story on Sally.
Bob and Brad again for me just like episode 3 just wasn’t doing it for me here – It’s good story wise that you’ve tied in about them wanting a job in the pet store which comes into play later but I didn’t find them as funny here for some reason. They almost come off as needing which didn’t go down too well with me – I more thought of them as idiots who didn’t really care about jobs.
I also thought there was some superfluous things happening like the Jews and their arguing (although this story tied-up nicely with the dead beavers) Bob and Brad thinking that they’ve been robbed – was they? Little things like this weren’t really relevant to overall plot and that means they stuck out to me.
In saying that, these were little nitpicks on what is a really better developed pilot that sets up character (especially Frankie) and a clear goal for the series for our protag. Good stuff.
The writing was a little clumsy at times with lots of missing commas which made for quite a few awkward lines – you know most this stuff though because we’ve talked about it before.
A few little notes to follow:
P.1 "JILLIAN'S EXPRESSION IS ONE OF (DISAPPOINTED.)" Disappointment.
"(POINTING WITH HER HEAD TOWARDS HIS PENIS)" Reads awkward. Why not just "points to his penis" Does it matter if she does it with her head?
P. 2 "Most single men would have Pamela Anderson or Jennifer Aniston staring back at them" Looks like we're back in the 90's.
I remember having a Pamela Anderson poster on my wall but that was back in 1993 when Baywatch was on.
"they would also (be still) in college." Awkward - think it should be (still be)
"JILLIAN THOUGHTS" Jillian's thoughts.
P. 3 "You know you could have (giving) me a sign." given.
"ROSARY'S" Rosaries.
P.4 “(your) probably a sweet guy” you’re.
The intro of Peggy reads really awkward, look at getting a period in there somewhere. It has comma splices all over it.
"MICKEY THROWS A BLANKET AROUND HIM." Why didn't he just pull up his pants? Would have been quicker.
A lot awkward sentences in these opening pages, buddy. For example:
"JILLIAN MORTIFIED, HIGH TAILS IT DOWNSTAIRS"
Jillian's mortified. She high tails it downstairs.
Mortified, Jillian high tails it downstairs.
That's just two ways I would have done it but there are plenty of ways to go about it. Some lines just need a little clean up for clarity sake.
P. 5 "EXT. MICKEY RILEY'S (HOUSE) - CONTINUOUS
THE (HOUSE) IS A TYPICAL SMALL SUBURBAN (HOUSE)"
Watch out for repetitive word use and redundancy like here.
"You know she (has) a great ass." I would change to "had" as in she's gone now.
P. 6 "IT IS (A) SMALL STORE"
"PEGGY PICKS HER HEAD UP" I've mentioned this one before on another episode - I just don't care for this description. It makes me imagine Peggy literally picking her head up.
"TO A (PARROTS) CAGE" Should this be parrot? Unless there are more parrots in with Harry?. Also, don't know if you need to give the parrot an age although it did give me a chuckle that you did give it one.
P. 7 There is some criminal exposition in the dialogue here - Mickey's line: "I miss dad, nine years he's gone" I really hope Peggy knew this? Try to be more subtle.
"A HEAVYSET GIRL" I wonder if this will be Sally? If so, I would introduce her now but I'll put this down as preference on my part.
"MICKEY CAUTIOUSLY STOPS TRAFFIC AND PULLS HER OFF THE ROAD." Mickey seemed to pull that heavyset girl off the road rather easily.
P.8 "Just another whack job." Peggy didn't ask Mickey what he just did in the stores room.
“THE (PET SHOP) DOOR OPENS” Try to cut down the redundancy in your action like here which will tighten it and help cut out a few orphans that are spread around.
P.9 “To be honest, I'm not getting any (older)” That’s fantastic news! What’s Peggy’s secret – Olay.
I hope you mean “younger”
P.10 “with these (now) big powerful chains opening up” new
P.11 “THE FRONT DOOR FLIES OPEN(S)” Flies open.
Like Brad’s intro – brain of a flea.
P.13 “You seem to (be) missing something.”
P.14 “you can barely take care (off) yourselves” of
P.15 “Michael Susan Riley” Ha! Now I know what your middle name will be from now on, Mr. Mark Susan Moore.
P.16 “we don't (own) the bank any money.” Owe.
P.18 “GUARDS APPROACHE(S) (THE DOOR TO) THE CELL BLOCK.” Approach. And you could get rid of the next part – Guards approach the cell block. In all honesty, you don’t even need “cell block” so it could just be “guards approach, one shouts out”
“THE GUARDS (MARCHES) THROUGH.” March
P.19 “THE WARDEN WAITS TO ONE SIDE.” I’m a bit confused? Was the warden there all the time? Why did the guard tell Jimmy that the warden wants to see him? Couldn’t the warden of just said it himself “I want to see you, Jimmy” Maybe you should intro the warden when they enter the cell block for clarity. I was a bit confused when he started talking because I didn’t know he was there.
P.25 “FRANKIE LETS GO (OFF) HIS GRIP, (AS) JIMMY GASPS FOR AIR.”
Should be of. And watch out for the word “as”. You use it an awful amount in your prose and it does become repetitive while also making some of the action become overwritten.
P.26 “Peggy's a stubborn one and (for) the only reason I haven't killed you in the last nine years” This reads awkward. I think it should maybe be “that’s” instead of “for”?
“well (you're) gonna help me.” Well, you gonna help me?
P.29 “ABSOLUTE DEADPAN STARES FROM THE GUYS.” Yeah, I’m with the guys! I have no idea what Chad was talking about – guessing that’s the point but try not to overdo this aspect of Chad. If I don’t understand what’s being said then I’m likely to get bored – just a thought.
P.30 Maybe I’m more in sync with Bob and Brad because I liked Bob’s line of “Bob is Bob spelled backwards”
P.33 “their Ipods” iPods
P.37 “THE WARDEN, AN OLD MAN, 70'S, UPTIGHT BUT FRIENDLY.” Was the warden supposed to be in the scene before? It’s just you’ve given him description now instead of earlier. Seems odd.
“(your) are a free man.” You are.
P.39 “(Gave) the store to the Mafia” Give.
P.40 “INT. MICKEY RILEY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
LIVING ROOM”
Not sure if this is part of the sitcom format or not but there is no need for the mini-slug here, could be:
INT. MICKEY RILEY'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
p.41 “MICKEY LOOKS ACROSS THE ROOM, AS A BLOW UP DOLL (SHEEP CALLED MANDY) LAYS IN FRONT OF HIM.”
P.43 “Dam it.” damn.
P.44 Ted should be in (V.O) as he’s on the phone.
P.48 “(He's) believes everything I tell him” He
P.49 “Listen Peggy, (I’m) sure he'll be ok.”
“PEGGY'S HEAD BANGS OFF THE COUNTER.” Huh? What does this mean? Is she literally banging her head on the counter?
“Not a word to Mickey.” I think you need to look at Peggy’s dialogue – she changes from calling him Mickey to Michael and then back again. I think you should just stick to one.
“but don't tell (him) I'm here.”
I think you’ve done a good job, maybe needs a few little tweaks here and there but a sound job overall.
Good work.
Have a good weekend, mate.