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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Loserville Moderators: bert
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alffy
Posted: August 21st, 2012, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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I think the Only Fools and Horses episode had such an emotional impact because Lennard Pearce did actually die.  You could see the sadness in the actors and Sullivan played on that to suck the audience in before he added a light hearted 'funny moment' with the Vicar's hat. Genius!


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CoopBazinga
Posted: August 21st, 2012, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
I think the Only Fools and Horses episode had such an emotional impact because Lennard Pearce did actually die.  You could see the sadness in the actors and Sullivan played on that to suck the audience in before he added a light hearted 'funny moment' with the Vicar's hat. Genius!


Genius and ballsy! A lot of writers/shows would have painted over this, maybe even brought in another actor to play the role but John Sullivan played his hand absolutely right. I also believe this episode took the show to another level, it not only showed what great actors David Jason and Nicolas Lyndhurst were but how much depth Del Boy had as a character. A likable, confident trader on the surface but inside too scared to mourn his grandad because he doesn't know how or want to believe he's gone. Great stuff.

Sorry to derail your thread here, Mark. My last words on this wonderful show. Did you upload episode 3? How you getting on with the new pilot?
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irish eyes
Posted: August 21st, 2012, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
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No probs Coop, it is a classic one of my favorites of all time.

I've been incredibly busy at work, long nights and all, so I haven't had a chance to clean it up and upload...
The pilot, I'm half-way through....

Thanks guys for all the feedback you've gave me.

Mark


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alffy
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark

Mickey spits out his cereal but he was just banging his head on the table.  I guess he could have spooned in another mouthful though.

Jimmy loves...himself.  This had me smiling.  Reminded me of Blackadder goes forth when Nurse Fletcher Brown asks him if he cares about anyone and says, ‘me’.

‘Make sure they never meet’ lol

I seem to remember that Mickey and Sally’s relationship moved fast in the first two episodes, so now I see you’ve slowed it down...or stopped it lol.  Poor Mickey.

I was hoping four finger Frankie would play a part and it seems he might?

Bob and Brad’s tree/cat scene is pretty funny.  I like how they are more interested in the coin than the cat and only when Brad is in the tree does Bob bring out the ladder for him to get down lol.

Whenever I read these episodes and the action goes to Murphy’s, I just want a pint lol.

Did Sally leave Murphy’s with Chad’s sword?

I liked Dr. Edwards character, he had some good funny lines.

I know it’s a comedy but Sally dumped Mickey and then flips her lid when she catches him with Desiree.  Actually I see she forgives him after he tells her he did it to learn new moves lol.

Who poisoned the Mobster?  Chad?

Bob, Brad and Bert, I got confused at times.

I thought four finger Frankie might have played a bigger part but I see you’re going to slow drip us the story.  I’m fine with this as the story with the other characters is engaging enough.

Another good episode, Mark.  The more I read these the more I think we must share the same interests in comedy.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Alffy


Quoted from alffy
Jimmy loves...himself.  This had me smiling.  Reminded me of Blackadder goes forth when Nurse Fletcher Brown asks him if he cares about anyone and says, ‘me’.


There's not much gets past you


Quoted from Alffy
I was hoping four finger Frankie would play a part and it seems he might?


His henchmen are playing the part... As i'm writing the new pilot, we actually "see" four finger Frankie.


Quoted from Alffy
Who poisoned the Mobster?  Chad?


Sally poisoned her own drink and was gonna drink it... another failed suicide attempt... The snakebite in the first episode... the hanging in the second


Quoted from Alffy
Another good episode, Mark.  The more I read these the more I think we must share the same interests in comedy.


  

Listen, if you can point out the only fools and horses scene on ep2 and the Blackadder scene for this ep3... both of which I hold my hands up and say yes, I "borrowed" those scenes

You know good comedy Anthony and thanks again

Mark

p.s Hopefully Ill finish the new pilot soon






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alffy
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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I wouldn't say you borrowed those scenes, merely borrowed the ideas.

I was a bit slow on the Sally suicide thing, sorry.

I look forward to the new pilot episode.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: November 23rd, 2012, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Gave episode 3 a quick read this afternoon and I can see a lot that has been cleaned up in the writing department - I read a really early draft if I'm correct.

Although I see that you still had't managed to figure out the parentheticals problem on MM before posting. Hopefully you've managed to figure that one out now?

Also keep an eye out for missing comma's which did interrupt the read and made a lot of lines read awkward.

The episode plot hasn't changed as far as I could tell? I looked back through my original e-mail and a lot of the problems I had with the story then still exist now.

I felt that none of the characters developed over this episode other than the Bob & Desiree relationship which flourished towards the end.

Mickey and Sally were in exactly the same position they were in at the beginning - nothing changed.

My biggest gripe was the fact that we never got that much anticipated talk between Mickey and Jimmy which was promised or referenced to throughout from Peggy. Maybe you didn't want this revealed yet but I think you could have set it up, only to be disrupted by the stealing of the parrot.

This makes its absence less of a disappointment and more believable than just avoiding it altogether. This should have been what was pushing Jimmy on in this episode and when he finally gets the bottle and goes to tell Mickey - Bang! The beloved parrot being stolen robs him of his moment and the audience have to wait another week.

And the side stories (Brad and Bob saving the squirrel and Peggy trying to convert Brad's beliefs) served no purpose to the episode or overall series arc, but if I remember correctly, the latter will be introduced in the revised pilot and will make this make more sense? Comes off kinda random at the moment.

But I did enjoy the introduction of Dr. Edwards who could be a funny ongoing character.

And I think you ended it well with the kidnap or should I say birdnap of the beloved parrot. Gives the next episode some tension from the off and a clear goal - get the parrot back.


Quoted from alffy
Who poisoned the Mobster?  Chad?



Quoted from alffy
I was a bit slow on the Sally suicide thing, sorry.


I was very unclear on this as well in the original read and after just reading it again, I think this needs to be made more obvious.

If it wasn't for you telling me what happened here then I would have still been in the dark, he just seems to die randomly.

Maybe you could show Sally putting a pill in her drink or some reference that she is going to poison herself earlier in the story... it needs something for clarity sake.

Anyway, look forward to the revised pilot.

Have a good weekend, mate.
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irish eyes
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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Steveo.... I didn't expect to see this up in the portal

Thanks for the read....again


Quoted from coop
Gave episode 3 a quick read this afternoon and I can see a lot that has been cleaned up in the writing department - I read a really early draft if I'm correct.


Yeah you're right, you read the first draft as usual.. cuz you're awesome


Quoted Text
Although I see that you still had't managed to figure out the parentheticals problem on MM before posting. Hopefully you've managed to figure that one out now?



Quoted Text
I felt that none of the characters developed over this episode other than the Bob & Desiree relationship which flourished towards the end.


yeah that's something i'm trying to work on


Quoted Text
My biggest gripe was the fact that we never got that much anticipated talk between Mickey and Jimmy which was promised or referenced to throughout from Peggy. Maybe you didn't want this revealed yet but I think you could have set it up, only to be disrupted by the stealing of the parrot.


this episode was supposed to be more of a part 1 of 2 and I should have finished it like that.


Quoted Text
This makes its absence less of a disappointment and more believable than just avoiding it altogether. This should have been what was pushing Jimmy on in this episode and when he finally gets the bottle and goes to tell Mickey - Bang! The beloved parrot being stolen robs him of his moment and the audience have to wait another week.


That's kinda what I was going for maybe I didn't perfect well enough


Quoted Text
And the side stories (Brad and Bob saving the squirrel and Peggy trying to convert Brad's beliefs) served no purpose to the episode or overall series arc, but if I remember correctly, the latter will be introduced in the revised pilot and will make this make more sense? Comes off kinda random at the moment.


Brad and Bob are trying to make money for the store, i'm trying to use them as side projects.


Quoted Text
And I think you ended it well with the kidnap or should I say birdnap of the beloved parrot.  Gives the next episode some tension from the off and a clear goal - get the parrot back.


Yeah... I did something right


Quoted Text
I was very unclear on this as well in the original read and after just reading it again, I think this needs to be made more obvious.

If it wasn't for you telling me what happened here then I would have still been in the dark, he just seems to die randomly.

Maybe you could show Sally putting a pill in her drink or some reference that she is going to poison herself earlier in the story... it needs something for clarity sake.

Anyway, look forward to the revised pilot.


I thought that with her 2 previous suicide attempts in the other episodes it would have been clear, but as Alffy and you have pointed out the same issue, it's obvious that I have to make it clearer to the reader. I sometimes forget I know the story in my head

I'm nearly finished the pilot.

Thanks again buddy for the read

Mark

Good to see Villa starting to get a few points











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alffy
Posted: January 8th, 2013, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Mark, sorry for the lateness in my review but we've had a power failure here; been like Dickens with candle light. lol

Noticed a typo on page 4 Jillian dialogue 'your' should be 'you're'.  Really liked this opening, very funny.

Mickey saying his dad has been gone 9 years felt a bit forced.

Susan! lol

bottom of page 16 Peggy says they 'don't own the bank any money', think this should be 'owe'?

Like the background on Jimmy and four finger Frankie.

Bottom of page 25 'Frankie lets go off his grip', should be 'of'.

The flushing convict had me in stitches.

page 37 the warden says 'your are a free man', should be 'you are a free man'.

I like the whole prison scenes, Frankie running the place and the Warden making sure his food is good.

page 39, Jimmy says 'I'm...I....getting....', should be 'Am....I.....getting

Ha, Sally's suicide attempt in the car.

page 47 Peggy says 'did anyone ever tell you, you knew too much?' should this be 'know'?

Bottom of page 49 Peggy's says 'Put in on speaker....but don't tell I'm here', think this should read 'Put him on speaker...but don't tell him I'm here'?

I like how you ended with where the previous episode 1 started.

Well I wanted to make more notes but I just breezed through it and have very little to add or suggest.  I loved it Mark and I hope you continue to write more episodes.  Sorry I couldn't be of more use with my review.


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irish eyes
Posted: January 8th, 2013, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Anthony, I'm glad you liked it.

Your notes are totally appreciated. I wanted to create more of Mickey's world before his uncle got released, basically before the madness started.

I changed bob and brad slightly, still stupid, but brad is more charismatic and loud, while bob is timid.

thanks for read, sorry about the power outage

Mark


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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Finally got around to giving your new pilot a read today. Sorry it took me a little while.

There are some nice new additions which help bring the latter episodes more to light – the religious aspect of Peggy being one.

I guess your main reason for going for a new pilot was to give some insight into Mickey’s life before Jimmy comes into play and interrupts it. I think you made a good start with the opening teaser which shows Mickey’s almost childlike attitude with the Spiderman pyjamas not to mention his lack of shall we say physical attributes.

I also liked the that you gave Mickey some independence, he wants to save the pet store without any help which obviously will be tested in coming episodes which brings some more conflict between the two.

Another good aspect was the clear goal set up for Mickey, he needs to make a certain amount of money to pay off the Frankie and get back his pet store. I was a bit surprised that you didn’t actually play out a scene between Peggy and Mickey which explains this which could have been a nice moment between mother and son. I found out but it was through Frankie instead and when we come back to Mickey, he already knows.

The best element of the new pilot has to be the intro of Frankie which was needed to help the rest of the series. We now have an antag – a face and knowledge of what Mickey is up against in this strong and powerful man who had a kinda of “Cape Fear” intro with the tattoos which showed he hated animals. Another great tie-in with the pet store – the antag hates animals.

I thought Jimmy could have had some more to do but maybe that would defeat what you were trying to do here, it was supposed to be about Mickey.

I do think that you should have ended with Mickey and Jimmy meeting like in the teaser in the original pilot – this would have left it on a high note for episode two, especially after Chad had revealed that they hate each other earlier in the episode. Imagine ending it with the two guys face to face angry, it sets up anticipation for the next episode.

My issues with the new pilot would be Sally; I think you need to give her and Mickey some more to do together towards the end… at least a longer conversation rather than Mickey just taking off. Maybe he could ask why she tried to commit suicide which gives us a little back-story on Sally.

Bob and Brad again for me just like episode 3 just wasn’t doing it for me here – It’s good story wise that you’ve tied in about them wanting a job in the pet store which comes into play later but I didn’t find them as funny here for some reason. They almost come off as needing which didn’t go down too well with me – I more thought of them as idiots who didn’t really care about jobs.

I also thought there was some superfluous things happening like the Jews and their arguing (although this story tied-up nicely with the dead beavers) Bob and Brad thinking that they’ve been robbed – was they?  Little things like this weren’t really relevant to overall plot and that means they stuck out to me.

In saying that, these were little nitpicks on what is a really better developed pilot that sets up character (especially Frankie) and a clear goal for the series for our protag. Good stuff.

The writing was a little clumsy at times with lots of missing commas which made for quite a few awkward lines – you know most this stuff though because we’ve talked about it before.

A few little notes to follow:

P.1 "JILLIAN'S EXPRESSION IS ONE OF (DISAPPOINTED.)" Disappointment.

"(POINTING WITH HER HEAD TOWARDS HIS PENIS)" Reads awkward. Why not just "points to his penis" Does it matter if she does it with her head?

P. 2 "Most single men would have Pamela Anderson or Jennifer Aniston staring back at them" Looks like we're back in the 90's. I remember having a Pamela Anderson poster on my wall but that was back in 1993 when Baywatch was on.

"they would also (be still) in college." Awkward - think it should be (still be)

"JILLIAN THOUGHTS" Jillian's thoughts.

P. 3 "You know you could have (giving) me a sign." given.

"ROSARY'S" Rosaries.

P.4 “(your) probably a sweet guy” you’re.

The intro of Peggy reads really awkward, look at getting a period in there somewhere. It has comma splices all over it.

"MICKEY THROWS A BLANKET AROUND HIM." Why didn't he just pull up his pants? Would have been quicker.

A lot awkward sentences in these opening pages, buddy. For example:

"JILLIAN MORTIFIED, HIGH TAILS IT DOWNSTAIRS"

Jillian's mortified. She high tails it downstairs.

Mortified, Jillian high tails it downstairs.

That's just two ways I would have done it but there are plenty of ways to go about it. Some lines just need a little clean up for clarity sake.

P. 5 "EXT. MICKEY RILEY'S (HOUSE) - CONTINUOUS

THE (HOUSE) IS A TYPICAL SMALL SUBURBAN (HOUSE)"

Watch out for repetitive word use and redundancy like here.

"You know she (has) a great ass." I would change to "had" as in she's gone now.

P. 6 "IT IS (A) SMALL STORE"

"PEGGY PICKS HER HEAD UP" I've mentioned this one before on another episode - I just don't care for this description. It makes me imagine Peggy literally picking her head up.

"TO A (PARROTS) CAGE" Should this be parrot? Unless there are more parrots in with Harry?. Also, don't know if you need to give the parrot an age although it did give me a chuckle that you did give it one.

P. 7 There is some criminal exposition in the dialogue here - Mickey's line: "I miss dad, nine years he's gone" I really hope Peggy knew this? Try to be more subtle.

"A HEAVYSET GIRL" I wonder if this will be Sally? If so, I would introduce her now but I'll put this down as preference on my part.

"MICKEY CAUTIOUSLY STOPS TRAFFIC AND PULLS HER OFF THE ROAD." Mickey seemed to pull that heavyset girl off the road rather easily.

P.8 "Just another whack job." Peggy didn't ask Mickey what he just did in the stores room.

“THE (PET SHOP) DOOR OPENS” Try to cut down the redundancy in your action like here which will tighten it and help cut out a few orphans that are spread around.

P.9 “To be honest, I'm not getting any (older)” That’s fantastic news! What’s Peggy’s secret – Olay. I hope you mean “younger”

P.10 “with these (now) big powerful chains opening up” new

P.11 “THE FRONT DOOR FLIES OPEN(S)” Flies open.

Like Brad’s intro – brain of a flea.

P.13 “You seem to (be) missing something.”

P.14 “you can barely take care (off) yourselves” of

P.15 “Michael Susan Riley” Ha! Now I know what your middle name will be from now on, Mr. Mark Susan Moore.

P.16 “we don't (own) the bank any money.” Owe.

P.18 “GUARDS APPROACHE(S) (THE DOOR TO) THE CELL BLOCK.” Approach. And you could get rid of the next part – Guards approach the cell block. In all honesty, you don’t even need “cell block” so it could just be “guards approach, one shouts out”

“THE GUARDS (MARCHES) THROUGH.” March

P.19 “THE WARDEN WAITS TO ONE SIDE.” I’m a bit confused? Was the warden there all the time? Why did the guard tell Jimmy that the warden wants to see him? Couldn’t the warden of just said it himself “I want to see you, Jimmy” Maybe you should intro the warden when they enter the cell block for clarity. I was a bit confused when he started talking because I didn’t know he was there.

P.25 “FRANKIE LETS GO (OFF) HIS GRIP, (AS) JIMMY GASPS FOR AIR.”
Should be of. And watch out for the word “as”. You use it an awful amount in your prose and it does become repetitive while also making some of the action become overwritten.

P.26 “Peggy's a stubborn one and (for) the only reason I haven't killed you in the last nine years” This reads awkward. I think it should maybe be “that’s” instead of “for”?

“well (you're) gonna help me.” Well, you gonna help me?

P.29 “ABSOLUTE DEADPAN STARES FROM THE GUYS.” Yeah, I’m with the guys! I have no idea what Chad was talking about – guessing that’s the point but try not to overdo this aspect of Chad. If I don’t understand what’s being said then I’m likely to get bored – just a thought.

P.30 Maybe I’m more in sync with Bob and Brad because I liked Bob’s line of “Bob is Bob spelled backwards”  

P.33 “their Ipods” iPods

P.37 “THE WARDEN, AN OLD MAN, 70'S, UPTIGHT BUT FRIENDLY.” Was the warden supposed to be in the scene before? It’s just you’ve given him description now instead of earlier. Seems odd.

“(your) are a free man.” You are.

P.39 “(Gave) the store to the Mafia” Give.

P.40 “INT. MICKEY RILEY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

LIVING ROOM”

Not sure if this is part of the sitcom format or not but there is no need for the mini-slug here, could be:

INT. MICKEY RILEY'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

p.41 “MICKEY LOOKS ACROSS THE ROOM, AS A BLOW UP DOLL (SHEEP CALLED MANDY) LAYS IN FRONT OF HIM.”

P.43 “Dam it.” damn.

P.44 Ted should be in (V.O) as he’s on the phone.

P.48 “(He's) believes everything I tell him” He

P.49 “Listen Peggy, (I’m) sure he'll be ok.”

“PEGGY'S HEAD BANGS OFF THE COUNTER.” Huh? What does this mean? Is she literally banging her head on the counter?

“Not a word to Mickey.” I think you need to look at Peggy’s dialogue – she changes from calling him Mickey to Michael and then back again. I think you should just stick to one.

“but don't tell (him) I'm here.”

I think you’ve done a good job, maybe needs a few little tweaks here and there but a sound job overall.

Good work.

Have a good weekend, mate.




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irish eyes
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Yo Steve

Thanks for the read and awesome feedback as usual.


Quoted from coop
I do think that you should have ended with Mickey and Jimmy meeting like in the teaser in the original pilot – this would have left it on a high note for episode two, especially after Chad had revealed that they hate each other earlier in the episode. Imagine ending it with the two guys face to face angry, it sets up anticipation for the next episode.


I guess you didn't scroll down to the tag

I'm glad you enjoyed this episode... My whole objective was to create Mickey's world before Jimmy got released. Then end with the big finale.

Thanks again

Mark


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CoopBazinga
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Quoted from irish eyes
I guess you didn't scroll down to the tag


Yeah, sorry about that. I kinda finished it when I saw the words FADE OUT and the rest of the page was blank. Oops!

Anyway, it cleared up that issue.

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SAC
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Mark,

I popped thus open and the first thought that came to mind was... Is English your second language?

Lol. Just kidding, but there are quite a few typos and as u mentioned, the formatting for a series has changed a bit. But I really enjoyed this, story wise as well as the characters. I read the one where Jimmy gives Mickey the two new hires in order for him to keep the pet shop.

I like the idea of a pet shop being the business Mickey runs. So many comedic possibilities with the animals and all. The characters each seem to have their own voice, which is hard for some folks to do.

I liked Sally's character alot. Her situation, always trying to kill herself -- a suicide-aholic -- is original. Another character I liked was Chad the bartender. Him being Asian and all, you did not fail to exploit the stereo typical speech patterns when they try and speak English. It's just funny. That's something the Farrelly Brothers would have done, I feel, or Dave Chapelle. Poking some good natured fun at stereo types is not done often enough, an when there's no harm done, why the hell not?

As usual, and I've said this before, you just have a knack for sharp, witty dialogue. I feel it's natural with you.

Anyway, I could actually see this being picked up by a network, seriously. Some if the language is blue, but 2 1/2 Men got away with some raunchy shit. But I feel all the pieces are there for a very funny comedy series.

Just clean this up. Big time. It is Spring, you know.

Steve


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