Loserville by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Series, Comedy - A pet shop worker's life becomes unbalanced with the news that his pet store belongs to the mafia and not his family. 63 pages - pdf, format



Loserville Episode 1 by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Series, Comedy - An average, no nonsense pet shop owner, has his world turned upside down, when his uncle gets released from jail early. 50 pages  - pdf, format

Loserville Episode 2 by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Series, Comedy - The pet shop gets robbed. Mickey unintentionally pushes Sally into a suicide attempt and Jimmy finds out an unwanted dark secret. 56 pages - pdf, format

Loserville Episode 3 by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Series, Comedy - Mickey goes to desperate measures to satisfy Sally. 63 pages - pdf, format

Hello Mark, welcome to the boards. Took a look at your series. Here are my comments up to page 10.

Title Page & general format: Even though there are differences in the format of teleplays and screenplays, the general format is pretty much the same.

Things to get rid of. Lose the large font, copyright, WGA etc. You may well see them on produced work, but they are considered a no no.

Underlined slugs, action description in CAPS, BOLDING, the heading repeated on the first page and teaser, lose them like a bad habit.

Lose the line spacing between the lines of dialouge and tighten it up. Lose the Scene and Act information.
It's about getting reads at this stage for your spec series and this looks like a quasi shooting script for a recorded sitcom.

What's the series about??? The title is confusing, Loserville? It's about a guy trying to run a pet store and his interfering ex con uncle, right? We should open IN the pet store or have an establishing open shot of the outside.

Kick a few title ideas around, Pet Hate springs to mind, but use something more imaginative than that.

The first introduction of MICKEY. You need to include an age. I had absolutley no idea through out the script what age he was suppsoed to be.

From the Mom! exclaimation (you can leave out the exclamation marks, actors usually know how to act) at the start, I thought this guy was around 9.

If he is older and I assume he is, given that he's running a pet store, his childish reaction to his uncle is a little OTT.

This guy is your main character, we need to get to know who he is, what he's about, his 'ordinary world' and what's about to change.

Some people  will frown on character comparsions to literary fictional characters, maybe just a homeless reference will do.

Alot of the dialouge between Peggy and Mickey is very unnatural, people just don't speak like that. You're explaining what's going on right off the bat.

The story needs to grow organically and be shown. Watch the very first episode of a few sit coms you like (or even don't like) Friends, Mike & Molly,
My Name is Earl, Modern Families whatever and see how the characters and their little worlds are introduced.

Some of the quips aren't bad, they just need a bit of polish.

There's a real quirky throw back to 50's style staged comedy shows about this - comedy today is alot different, fast witty, manic and impossible situations for the main character, themes that run through the show

Page 5: Way too much explaining through dialouge - to reference an example, My Name is Earl, Earl , the main chaarcter narrates scenes that are shown to us as a flashback.
This gets around stilted exposition of two characters having a back and forth static boring exchange. Wouldn't it be funnier if we SAW His uncle try to rob the store with a staple gun and the clerks reaction?? (I think the clerk would have fought back with letter, A4 is used more commonly in the UK & Ireland, or so I believe?)

I'll have a look at the rest later.

Just to point out: The formatting follows the established industry standard for sitcom teleplays and is technically flawless. You are confusing it with the established drama/film formatting so your suggestions for those changes are incorrect.

Just to point out: The formatting follows the established industry standard for sitcom teleplays and is technically flawless. You are confusing it with the established drama/film formatting so your suggestions for those changes are incorrect.

'Even though there are differences in the format of teleplays and screenplays' & 'It's about getting reads at this stage for your spec series and this looks like a quasi shooting script for a recorded sitcom'

Reread what I said.

If you wish to contribute positively Henrik then at least read the script and leave feedback  - otherwise save personal catty comments for PMs that you can direct to me personally.

I believe you've misunderstood what I said. My intention was not to lash out or belittle your comments. I just wanted to point out that this is indeed how a sitcom spec should be formatted.

Eoin and Henrik thank you both for your feedback....

Sorry Eoin,  I learned this format for sitcom spec from a few contests that I entered and from david trottier bible book of screenwriting and Ellen Sandler`s(taxi, everybody loves raymond) writing for tv book. So all the acts and scenes, caps and underlined are all necessary for a spec sitcom.. Again sorry I had to change my style of writing to fit the format.

Eoin, I really appreciate you taking a look at script
Loserville could be changed, it was basically everyone linked to mickey were losers. Orignally it was Life of Riley, but a lot of copyright issues, I will definately give it better thought.

The series itself is about a Pet Shop owner leading an ordinary life, having his whole world  turned upside down in a short period of time.. As the series moves on there are a lot of twists relating to the Pet Shop, who wants it, who wants to get rid off it and who Mickey can and can not trust, in hopefully hilarious fashion.

Again thanks Eoin, for your comments and i will definately take notes.

,

Page 10 on.

The exchange on page 10 here between Jimmy and Mickey, too stale, reads very awkward. This is one of the biggest reoccuring problems through out the script. Dialouge delivery needs to be razor sharp for a sitcom.

Page 14, a few chuckles.

Sally Weston, heavyset, easy on the eye . . . okay.

SALLY
How about a Brazilian wandering spider?

MICKEY
Try Brazil.

Why not, 'It's easier to just get a brazilian'?

Page 23 - the chat in the bar is all too cliche, needs something fresher than Asian jokes.

Page 30 The drunk constantly interrupting everyone worked, by i think he's a distraction to the main conversation, which needs more purpose. Alot of the humour here relies on character exchanges, it needs more 'situations', more action.

Eoin

Thank you again for your comments, they are duly noted and greatly appreciated.

Hey irish eyes,

Here's my review. I write it as it comes to my head.  

Comedy's subjective so don't be offended when people tell you they didn't find things funny. I chuckled a couple of times.

Lose the double caps and double spacing. The double spacing goes against you. Use that empty space for scenes.

You explain to much through dialogue. Show don't tell. For instance, in the bar scene where Michael and Sally talk about their lives, why not show it as oppose to having them tell us?

There needs to be more conflict between Michael and Jimmy. Michael needs to come off as trying to battle this guy eventhough he loses. He seems to be giving in alot. For instance, the will, why doesn't Michael go to a professional and examine it?  

For your character descriptions, supply ages and some physical descriptions. For example, we don't need to know Chad's a karoke singer early on. We would know this later on in the bar scene and in the other episodes you decide to write. You can write it as Chad (50s, Asian). They're are other ways of writing character descriptions which leads me to...

Suggest for you to read other scripts. You'll learn a lot from here and it'll help with your cred so more people can read your work.

Hope this helps,

Gabe

Thank you Ripley for your feedback.

I understand everybody is different with comedy, some people find certain aspects funny, while others may think it`s insensitive...It`s entirely upto the person, so i don`t take any offence if some people dont find it funny, I didn`t set out to offend anybody in particular.

As far as dialogue.... From the screenwriting and tv writing books that I read, they stated that comedy is basically an exaggerated drama, and when written it is more dialogue based than action,  as it is a stageplay on screen..
If you notice sitcoms, they are all dialogue driven.. Just my wee perspective.


Thanks again

Mark

Quoted from Don With the aid of his two dimwitted friends and his new suicidal girlfriend, Mickey Riley must save his Pet Shop and his sanity, from collapsing at the hands of his convict Uncle.

Irish, I will take a look at the script soon. I have another to finish first. But some comments on this log:
--is the pet shop collapsing, or the business? Not trying to play semantics, just wondering it that is appropriate.
--can sanity collapse?
--is the uncle a convict or an exconvict? I think convicts are usually still in jail, ex-cons out.
--should Pet Shop be capitalized?
--should Uncle be capitalized?

If these are indeed mistakes, the last place you want them is in the log. Ok, will take a peek tomorrow hopefully. Hope this helped.

Lol..

All excellant questions leitskev and you haven`t got past the logline!
I was never happy with my logline,  I get writer`s block every time I try and write it, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The uncle is released early on good behaviour,  so he probably should fall under ex-con.
Pet Shop I thought should be capitalized, as it`s a name of a building, then again I could be wrong.
Uncle...probably not...


Thanks

Mark
.

Hey Irish

Sorry I haven't had time to dig in yet. Every time I see this on the portal it will remind me!

Pet shop should be capitalized only if that is the name of the place. Usually they have a specific name. Like Dunkin Donuts vs the coffee shop.

Mistakes in the log are the worst, because mistakes in there will ruin all the rest of your hard work. Few will read if there are mistakes in the log. Try to get this fixed ASAP.

Later, Kevin

Thanks buddy im on it!

Have a question here...for Henrik I guess. Is this really correct format? ALL CAPS? Just asking because I opened this one up, but didn't get very far due to the format. CAPS mostly. It hurt my eyes and it all seemed to scream at me. If I'm wrong and this is correct way of writing. Let me know and I'll give it a second try.

Hey haven't been on here for awhile but wanted to return the read.

When you say all the characteristics of eeyore, I'm guessing you just mean attitude.  Might as well just say that.

Don't know if Oliver twist is a common enough reference, I have no idea what that looks like,

Being an eternal nail under the hammer in The place for incarcerating....  Who talks like this?  Kinda overwritten, IMHO

He feels like his hearts being ripped out?  Generally not supposed to use emotions, just what they appear as.
Staple gun joke is funny.

Overall... Won't comment on the format, seems like there's plenty of comments on that.

I had trouble liking mickey.  Some of his lines are good, but he seems like kinda a fruity bitch in the petshop with all the baby talk.  Getting that sassy underdog vibe right is kinda tough, but I think you need to work on him a bit.  Also seems like there's a lot of filler convo where nothing funny or plot wise is happening.  Being a sitcom there should be a laugh every minute, and if there isn't maybe rethink the scene.
Other than that i think the other comments covered it, especially a little too much telling instead of showing.  Good luck with it.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Have a question here...for Henrik I guess. Is this really correct format? ALL CAPS? Just asking because I opened this one up, but didn't get very far due to the format. CAPS mostly. It hurt my eyes and it all seemed to scream at me. If I'm wrong and this is correct way of writing. Let me know and I'll give it a second try.

Sorry about not responding earlier, I haven't been following this thread actively.

But in reply, yes, this is the appropriate sitcom format. This is what the screenwriting software will give you if you use a sitcom preset. You can see that the format is ubiquitous if you look at sitcom scripts from production, like the ones you can read here:

https://sites.google.com/site/tvwriting/us-comedy/show-collections

Thank you Henrik, I use that site alot for examples of tv sitcom writing.

And for anyone else, im not trying to be fresh, but I entered this script into 2 contests 'page awards' and wildsound and the feedback i got was that my format was correct.

Mark

Just thought I'd post this so you know I'm working on it. Haven't finished yet so I'm doing this in two parts.

The format is wrong if you're used to only reading screenplays, but I trust you that it's perfect for television so I will not mention anything about that. Will instead look at characters and story.  I have read TV scripts before though including one that George Lopes read and it was written like a screenplay as far as caps and spacing goes and he didn't say that was wrong...  

pg    1.    confusion! Mickey is in the kitchen and then an arm rises up from the sofa. Is there a sofa in the kitchen? If so, maybe better descriptions of the kitchen is needed. If not, doesn't there need to be mentioned that we have now moved into another room? TV scripts can't be THAT different from screenplays can they?

how old is Mickey?

pg    2.    IMHO, Mickey's first piece of dialogue doesn't really work for me. It seems forced. Too long.

pg    3.    there are very few descriptions of what's going on. Is this common for TV scripts? "MICKEY ROLLS HIS EYES AND DROPS HIS HEAD TOWARDS HIS MOM."  I didn't even know she were standing anywhere near him.

pg    4.    I would suggest that you check some of your dialogue. I have no idea how old Mickey is still, but I'm thinking he's a teenager. IMO he doesn't talk like one. Doesn't mean he should cuss or anything, but little things can mean a lot. for example, wouldn't he say "we'll" instead of "we will"? Things like that would make the dialogue sound a lot more real. at least to me.

pg    5.    again, not sure if this is correct for TV scripts, but I think Mickey's reaction to Peggy's statement should be described rather than stated how he feels.

I thought Mickey's dialogue about the liquor store hold-up was pretty good, but I think the last line is worded very clunky and should be rewritten. right now, it almost ruins something that could be pretty funny.

pg    8.    to - do

pg    9.    again, very jarring not knowing exactly where the characters are positioned or what they are doing. Mickey slams the door all of a sudden…is he leaving?

meow…they have everything here? where? the fridge or the store?

hmmm….not sure about Mickey. his dialogue at the petshop made me cringe. how old is he? he reminds me of Fred on youtube….

wondering if Mickey's actions go with your descriptions of him. first he talks to the animals like someone who loves them, but then you describe him as someone who doesn't want to be there. those two don't go hand in hand if you ask me.

pg   10.   "reverts back to tapping on the counter" I didn't even know he was tapping on the counter…

pg   11.    Jimmy's comment about Peggy here sets a slightly more crude tone to this script than what we've seen so far. just my opinion of course. and then later again on page 12.

I've only read to page 16 so far. there are some funny moments in there and this has potential. my biggest problem so far is Mickey himself. I'm having a really hard time picturing this guy. I have no idea how old he is or what he looks like or anything. you described him as plain and like Eeyore, but to me he comes across as Fred on YouTube. I don't necessarily dislike him, I just can't get a handle on him.

I'm also wondering what rating you were going for. talk of drinking, small penises and "are you gay or what" doesn't sound like family friendly show to me. maybe that's common nowadays and I've just stayed away from TV shows for a loooong time.

I'll finish this up tomorrow.  

Thanks for looking so far Pia...

I forgot to enter Mickey`s age, he is actually in his early 20's
As for tv scripts, description is usuallly short, as its more dialouge driven, its basically a stageplay on tv.

I was aiming for more of a It's always sunny on philadephia humor...adult humor kind of crass.
It is definatley not a family friendly script.

Pg3 I kinda figured that if his mom stormed in from the bedroom, then opened up a conversation with him and his uncle, that she would be standing somewhere near him...

Mickey, as with alot of people has different sides depending on who you are around...some people bring out the butthole(jimmy) in you, some people bring out the child in you(his mom and the animals) I dont expect Mickey to have a the same tone with his animals that he loves as with his uncle that he hates.

Personally . I have 2 kids and little puppy and when people come over, they have a tendancy of talking all cutsie to the puppy or the kids and i bring out the badness in them, in which there tone is completely different, lovingly fun but different.

Please dont compare Mickey to that Fred guy!!!!! I cant stand Fred, whereas Mickey as you`ll find out has my complete sympathies.

thanks again

pg   17.    The whole meeting thing with Sally seems bizarre.  She's heavy set, but easy on the eyes. She mentions three other stores in town, but not the pet shop she stands in front of and she starts talking really close to Mickey about how she was conceived. I had a really hard time picturing this.

pg   20.    I think Sally being bit by the snake is pretty funny as a suicide attempt, but it all happens way too fast. I think the whole thing with Sally would take only about a minute of screen time and that's way too fast for an audience to get any real emotions out of it. It's too random. She shows up, goes inside, gets bitten, gets mad and leaves.

At the bar we finally have some characterization going on. I could see and hear the characters talk and move. IMHO, you need more of that in your previous scenes as well. Especially the one with Sally. That one didn't have much to offer about anything.

pg   45.    Mickey and who else are the only two left?

pg   46.    Loved the M*A*S*H song!

Okay finished. Not as detailed as yesterday, but I had some errands to do today and actually read part of this on my phone whole getting a pedicure.    Anyway, I didn't think this started to come alive until we get to the bar. Until then it seemed very jumpy with very short little scenes that didn't accomplish much. I don't watch sit-coms at all. In fact, I hate them. Except for shows like MASH.    So, I can't say I'm really sure how they flow as story on paper, but I must at least assume it's like a film where you have to get the audience to care for your characters. Lets use MASH as an example. Every single character in that show is so distinct. So unique and different from each other. I know you tried to make your characters different too and you did in a way in your introduction descriptions of them, but after that they are still sort of the same. Look at how they talk. With the possible exception of Chad, they all sound the same. There are no particular speech patterns to separate them nor are there any physical little tics that separate them either. Mickey, IMO didn't stay the same at all. The annoying "Fred" like character he comes across as in the beginning isn't there at all in the end. Comedy is different for everyone, so even though I didn't find this hilarious, I still think that your biggest problem here is your characters. All great sit-coms must have great and memorable characters that we either love, hate or love to hate.

The story itself is okay. Like I said, it started to come alive once we get to the bar. My only question here though is that the pet store is billed as an integral part of the show, but we spend only a minute or two there. This story so far takes place mostly at the bar. It ended sort of with a cliffhanger which is almost required, I think,

All in all, I think you did an okay job, but it needs work in order to be really good.

Hope this is of any help and good luck with it.  

Thank you very much Pia, I enjoyed the fact you were reading it while getting a pedicure

You took your time out to read it and for that I greatly appreciate.  You made me look twice at my script, sometimes 3 times, there are definately a few flaws in there, which is why it`s hard to proofread your own work.

As you stated comedy is different for everyone, some people thought it was hilarious, others not, it depends on the person... I don`t take offence in anyway.

Thanks Again

Mark

Hi Mark,

I'm afraid I had many issues with this one.

The first one I'll mention isn't really your fault. That's the format. All CAPS? Really? Honestly a huge pain to read. I'd look into whether or not this is absolutely necessary. Also, the spaces in the dialogue... are those supposed to be for notes or something? Some things are hard to get around but I'd definitely try to research some ways to "cheat" and make the format a little more bearable. As of now, I can't say I'd really want to slog through another teleplay.

I can't say I really buy your setup. What I got from the logline sounded fine. But the details are problematic. Harry's will reads very sloppy and stream of consciousness, especially with all the P.S., P.P.S., P.P.P.S., ...not sure how many wills come with postscript nowadays; seems like they'd want to be more to the point with as few afterthoughts as possible. There seems to be the implication that Jimmy may have forged it but either way, I think it needs to be reworked. I think the language is too suspicious for Mickey or his mother not to question it. I also find it strange that, assuming Jimmy did forge it, he was smart enough to make it look like it was notarized but not smart enough to make it read like an actual will.

All that aside, why does Jimmy want to run the pet shop anyway, even with our supposedly "no nonsense" protagonist pretty much just throwing his ownership to the wind and handing it over (speaking of which, if Mickey's the shop owner, how does Harry get to dictate how it's run?)? At the end, he tells Frankie he wants to destroy it from within... why? There's a line which suggests that the shop doesn't do much business. What interest could Jimmy possibly have in it?

It seems like Jimmy is trying to make Mickey's life hell... just because. This puts a damper on just about every scene that follows as a result. It all just feels pointless.

Not sure how I feel about Mickey. "No nonsense?" Again, not really. He seems to let Jimmy walk all over him. His talking to the animals when he first gets to the shop doesn't read as funny either. Or even charmingly quirky. Just creepy and awkward. Not all that "average" either.

Bob and Brad don't work for me either. When they're first introduced, I assumed they were Jimmy's friends. But apparently they're Mickey's friends? Doesn't seem like that at all. Why does he hire them anyway? Cause they're dumb as bricks and will wreak havoc at the shop? We don't seem to have gotten their just yet.

Sally sounds like a potentially interesting character. Though I'd have preferred you didn't just sum her character up through dialogue... which comes at a very awkward moment, BTW. Mickey is apologizing for being a dick and she's clearly annoyed with him. She can accept his apology, sure, but why open up all of a sudden? That aside, this is a series. One of the luxuries of a series is that you don't have to sum up a character all at once. Honestly, I'd rather get to know Sally over time as she's the only character who's clicking with me at this point.

At the end of the day, I didn't really find much of this funny. For a sitcom, it feels pretty aimless and lethargic. Not much going on. All the jokes seem to come from the dialogue and most of them don't seem to set their sights too high. The humor needs more wit. More sass. More zaniness, perhaps. It's all pretty listless thus far. No situation in the comedy or vice versa. Something needs to change.

Sorry, man, but this really didn't do much for me. I can't say I really see it going anywhere, at least in its current incarnation. Needs work and lots of it.

Thanks James for the read and sorry it didn`t work for you.... the caps thing has been explained multiple times in previous replies(after research even Pia conceded it was right).

I need to explain that this is a pilot and with pilots, you have to drop the basic of what the sitcom is gonna be about. It sets up for future episodes in other words critising the simplicity of the will, the mother never really commented because in the next episode she knew it was a fake and let it go for a certain reason. Again Brad and Bob were hired for a reason, in a future episode
Harry was Mickey`s dad and was the owner until his death...Mickey runs the shop...
Frankie wants revenge and is using Jimmy, which is why Jimmy is running the shop it is all explained in the script in the bar scene.

Comedy is an over exaggerated drama, you get away with a lot in comedy sitcoms because they are simple... no bells or whistles.....I can name 100`s of comedies many failed some successes that dont make sense but they are comedies so nobody takes it serious, which is what I feel you are doing with my script.
If you don`t find it funny that`s one thing but a lot of things you commented on either expliained in the script or setup for future episodes...

I can only write so much in a pilot.

Thanks again

Mark

Hey Mark,

I understand you have done this in a sitcom format which is certainly different but it didn’t affect my read and I enjoyed seeing a different format to be honest.

There was error I saw on page 46, “Mickey are the only two left in the bar” and a few lines that could be changed for the better. I mean things like “Then positions into the child pose yoga position” Lines like this look confusing and are hard to read IMO

I had a few chuckles here and there and I think there is potential, but there are a lot of problems with the story IMO.

Mickey is too weak as your main protagonist; he acted like a teenager throughout and needs to be stronger to carry a story along especially in a pilot for a series.

The pet shop was mentioned in the logline and it appears that the series will revolve around it but we spent hardly any time in there, more in Murphy’s bar in fact.

Also the Bob and Brad characters didn’t work for me and I think you’ve made it too easy for them to get involved in the pet shop.  If they are not doing much business, how could they afford two more wages?

I did like Chad, thought he was funny when he acted like he couldn’t speak good English to his customers; also Sally has a lot potential to go further.

Overall I think this could do with a little work, especially Mickey, he needs to be stronger.

In saying all of this, I think it is always best to judge a series over a few episodes and I look forward to reading more if you to intend to post any.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Thanks Steve for the read and feedback.

I realise Mickey`s character is not liked by a few people and I forgot to write the ages which he is early 20`s... Mickey is more like a spoilt teenager protected by his mom and as the series grows he grows...

I liked your statement that ` I think it is always best to judge a series over a few episodes ` because alot of people cant take in that it is a pilot and they are the most difficult to write, I am nearly finshed the 2nd episode so hopefully I can get better judgement.
I fixed the error on page 46 and installed the ages, I just have to repost it.

Brad and Bob is kindof my slapstick dumb and dumber characters and there were reasons for their employment in a future episode.
Hopefully I can tie up some loose ends with the next episode

Thanks again steve

Hey Mark.

Sorry it's taken a couple of days to get back to you with this. I'll give you my initial thoughts first, then a select few things in particular I noticed along the way.

I guess the first thing I will start with is the fact that they're Irish. After a few pages it just clicked, you're Irish and the names made me realise they probably are too. The reason I mention this is when I read the dialogue in my own voice it didn't have a great flow, but when I put an Irish accent on (the best I can), it worked a whole lot better. If it is indeed the case they do have an accent I think it needs to be stated, especially with some reviews mentioning the dialogue not quite working. It may help a little.

On the whole it was amusing, a few points in particular I shall point out, though some of the stuff didn't work for me. But hey, that's comedy. I can imagine it being filmed with a laughter track, but I'm not sure that's a good thing. Seems to work for some shows though.

And just a quick point about the length. 51 pages seems a bit of an odd amount. I know it's TV so it may be different for TV scripts, but I'm wandering if it's still a page a minute? If so 51 minutes is odd, if it's an hour long show, surely it would be more like 45, taking in consideration for adverts. I'm guessing you would know better than me but maybe something to think about?

Also you seem to use 'your' instead of 'you're' a lot.

I probably didn't notice everything but these are things that flagged up on my way through...

pg1 Mickey has two separate dialogue boxes. Does he need to?

pg2 Mickeys dialogue is a mouthful, and no '?' for the question.

pg4 Jimmy's dialogue is a mouthful and I don't know what Tundra is.

pg5 The stampede of elephants part seemed unnecessary

pg6 The staple gun not being loaded made me chuckle

pg 8 There was no 'ps' before 'pps'. I'm wandering if Jimmy wrote the letter? Don't know the child yoga pose, just a yoga pose would do.

pg10 How do we know he does it every day? I think his cutsie wutsie stuff would work if he was a mans man, with a beard and the like. Doesn't quite work as it is.

pg14 I chuckled at the boy saying his python wouldn't care, they all taste the same.

pg15 I feel Jimmy's dialogue could do with a full stop. It's a mouthful.

pg17 you say Sally is heavyset, it implies fat. Turns out she's easy on the eye.

pg21 how do we know Chad has a passion for karaoke?

pg22 The 'touche' convo made me chuckle.

pg23 Brad says 'well, because... Bruce Lee and stuff'. I laughed out loud.

pg24 Chads accent is a tough read IMO.

pg25 Where did the sushi come from?

pg28 I chuckled at the drunk. Didn't make sense with the conversation as to why Brad and Bob cried.

pg33 Take out the 'AS' so Brad just falls, clearer visually.

pg40 Should be 'given' instead of 'giving' in dialogue.

pg46 I found the interaction with Mickey and Sally was quite sweet.

pg48 The police song quote tickled me.

pg50 The call to find out what the word meant, Chad knowing instantly what it was about was genius.

I hope that helps, any questions about any of my points just ask.

Cheers.

ps my script isn't up yet, it's called 'Bad Day Baby Buffalo' so if you see it, don't be a stranger.

Hey Arty thanks for the feedback I do appreciate it.. Ill be checking out Bad Day Baby Buffalo as soon as it`s up.


As for the script:

Jimmy is actually the only one who is from Ireland(besides his dead brother) I should have stated that.

All the contest that I enter ask for between 30-60 pages for a pilot(probably so they cut the s*** out of it).

Page 1 ohhh crap I sent a revised version and obviously got to lazy to fully check it.... You are right he doesn`t need 2

I`ve been so busy writing episode 2 and 3, no excuse though.

"no" wasn`t a question it was a statement maybe i should have wrote nooooooo

Tundra is an extremly cold temp in the artic

page 17 Sally description is actually one of my most praised lines in the script, its the fact that she is heavy, but is pleasant to look at, im just kinda tired of all sitcoms having skinny beautiful women as lead roles its so cliche

pg 10 and pg21 they are description terms, im telling the audience what they are like, I dont expect  them to know

pg24 if you think thats bad originally I had him talking like that the whole script!
pg 25 on the bar.. sometimes you gotta look past the obvious on a comedy

pg 28 they didn`t cry their bottom lips just quivered because Jimmy was demoralising them even more than the low they already felt

Im glad you gotta few chuckles out of it, Ive posted the 2nd episode, which will have a lot of answers for you about the pilot.

thanks again arty

Mark

Hey Mark,

Episode 2:

Again this is written in a “sitcom” formatting script style which is what you have chosen to do so I won’t give you too much slack for it. I just wonder whether you have tried writing this in a traditional spec script style, how it would look different?  Have you tried writing this in a different way? I would be interested to see how you would change things?

Example:
The first scene. “ MICKEY, JIMMY AND BOB ARE ALL WAITING AT THE PET
SHOP FOR BRAD`S ARRIVAL.” On a normal spec script, this reads wrong IMO but in a sitcom script the rules are different so it’s hard to judge certain aspects of this script. Hope you understand where I’m coming from.

Also, 57 pages feels long for a series but again the timeframe is different with the format you have chosen to use. I believe it’s 30 seconds for every page instead of the standard minute.

I am writing a series of my own but I have chosen to use the standard spec formatting for mine, I just wondered if you have considered it at all?

So the second episode, this time we spend more time in the pet store, less in Murphy’s bar. We go further into Mickey and Sally’s relationship with Mickey using a condom for the first time. Bob and Brad become the unlikely heroes and Jimmy has self doubt about what he’s doing.

All in all a good episode but some things were lacking IMO. Jimmy felt neglected; in fact we didn’t see him for around 30 pages through the middle act. Chad, my favourite character only got a cameo role near the end and again for me, the Bob and Brad characters are not working.

I will praise you for tying their story into the overall plot though; I was going to say their part was superfluous until the last few pages so well done for that.

I didn’t think much of Sally’s landlord, he didn’t work for me and I felt you overdid the Mickey/Sally scenes in this episode.

There were some good chuckles along the way, Sally mistaking Mickey jerking off a highlight for me. Although I didn’t like Bob and Brad, they did give me a few laughs so there is potential for them to work.

The formatting like I said I can say much about, I don’t know enough about it but I would be interested to see this in a normal spec format.

The grammar definitely needs work I’m afraid Mark, I noticed a lot and although I have written some down in the notes, there were lots that I didn’t. Also the use of “ing” words, I saw a few when they could have been be reworded for the better.

These are the notes I took during the read:

Page 1: . “ MICKEY, JIMMY AND BOB ARE ALL WAITING AT THE PET
SHOP FOR BRAD`S ARRIVAL.” This reads awkward even for a sitcom format. Maybe it should just be “MICKEY, JIMMY AND BOB WAIT, MICKEY CHECKS HIS WATCH” We take out “pet shop” We know this from the slug anyway, also take out “Brad’s arrival” Just having Mickey check his watch shows us he’s waiting, he then know Brad is late when he arrives and they start talking. All this saves much need space.

Is all the bold font part of this format?

Page 3: There is a big gap on page 3, three quarters of the page is unwritten, again this part of the formatting you are using and I’m not too sure about it.
EDIT: I see this happens alot so it must be the sitcom formatting so forget about this!

Page 4: “A PROSTITUTE WHO WORKS HER SHIFT OUTSIDE
SALLY`S BUILDING.” This is telling not showing. We can’t see this on screen.

Don’t like the “lovesick” line, not sure what that means? Is he shy? Embarrassed?

Page 5:  “JUST THEN BRAD AND BOB RUSH OVER TO INTRODUCE
THEMSELVES.” I would take out “to introduce themselves” It’s not needed IMO.

You use “puppy” and “dog” for the same animal, I think there is a distinction between the two so I would get rid of “dog” in the description and stick to “puppy.”

Page 9: “SALLY GRABS MICKEY BY THE HAND.” Glad she didn’t grab him by his dick!
                                                  
                                               BOB
                                    Just give him a little time and
                                    gently care.
“Gently” Think should be “gentle”

Page 11: “DESIREES SCREAMS, GRABS THE BAG AND LIFTS OUT THE
PUPPY.”  There’s an extra “s” on Desiree. Should be “Desiree screams”

Desiree just left without paying? This pet shop is going out of business fast like this?

Page 12: We changed slug to Murphy’s bar but never changed back to the pet shop after the phone call?

Page 15: “” You a funny guy” could be “You’re a funny guy”

“he is spoken for” could be “He’s spoken for”

Page 16: I think you need to change slug when Sally goes into the bathroom or have her talk off screen?

Page 18: He pops the “video” in the machine, it was a DVD before?

Page 25: Sally keeps grabbing Mickey by the hand? Cut down on this line, I think I’ve seen it 4 times already.

Page 26: “HE PROMPTS BRAD TO PICK IT UP.” Dialogue would work better here IMO.

Page 28: “THE MAN HOLDS UP THE GUN A MOVES IT BACK AND FORTH
BETWEEN THE GUYS.” Think it’s suppose to be “and” between gun and moves?

Missing apostrophe in “I’ll” in Man’s dialogue.

“THE MAN IS A NARCOLEPTIC.” Telling us, not showing.

Page 29: “HE PICKS UP THE PIECE THE PAPER AND STARTS TO MAKE
CHANGES TO THE NOTE.” Should be “He picks up the piece “of” paper instead of “the”

Page 31:                  MICKEY
                    Ohh please your turning me on.
Your, should “you’re”

Page 33: Another missing apostrophe in “I’ll”

Page 34: INT. PHARMACY ON MAIN STREET – DAY. Just needs to be pharmacy IMO.

“MICKEY IS STARTS TO BLINK LIKE CRAZY LIKE HE JUST
SWALLOWED BATTERY ACID” Take out “is” after Mickey.

“THE LADY FINALLY FINISHED AS MICKEY SLAPS THE CONDOMS
ON THE COUNTER.” This reads awkward.

Page 36: “MICKEY STOPS, PICKS UP HIS HEAD” When did he drop his head!

Page 38: “JIMMY PULLS A SEAT UP AT THE BAR COUNTER. HE LOOKS
AT LITTLE NERVOUS AT CHAD.” This needs to be reworded. He looks “at” little nervous at Chad. Supposed to “a”

Page 40: “THE MAN RUNS QUICKLY OUT THE BAR. THE OTHER MAN SITS QUIETLY ON HIS SEAT.” This is why I always think you need to give names to talking characters, this reads so confusing IMO?

Page 45: “Well thank you enlightenment.” Should be “Well, thank you for the enlightenment”

“WITH VENOM SPITTING FROM HER MOUTH.” Change this description unless Peggy has turned into a snake?

Page 46:                       CHAD
                        Or when someone calls you by
                        your full name, you know your in
                        trouble.
Take out “or” at the beginning of Chad’s dialogue. Also “your” should be “you’re”

Okay, this is picky but I always like consistency, Jimmy originally grabbed a seat then it became a stool later, now Peggy pulls a seat. Change them all to stool because I’m guessing you’re thinking of a bar stool; it helps for consistency in the readers mind IMO.

“You were giving” change to “given”

“Your fired.” Change to “you’re fired” Keep an eye on this, I have seen it a lot throughout.

"What!" Add a question mark.

“Excuse that is from my brother. . .and it`s notarized.” Think you’re missing “me” after excuse?

Page 49: “JIMMY PICKS UP HIS DRINKS” How many has he got? Change to “drink”

Another missing apostrophe.

Page 52: “JIMMY HAS HEAD CEMENTED ON THE BAR COUNTER.” Sounds painful! missing “his” between has and head but again this reads awkward.

Page 54: “A HUGE CROWD OBSERVES AS A REPORTER POINTS TO THE
PET SHOP WERE COPS ARE SEEN REMOVING THE ROBBER IN
HANDCUFFS.”  Think it’s supposed to be “where” between shop and cops.

Page 55: “main street Rome” is this supposed to be road?

Were, supposed to be “where”

“Banging own head off” Missing “his”

All in all a solid effort and with a bit of polishing around the edges this could be a lot better. And I didn’t see any “beats”

Hope this all helps mate.

Good work Mark, keep it up.

Steve

Steve thanks for your  feedback....

Quoted from Steve The grammar definitely needs work I’m afraid Mark, I noticed a lot and although I have written some down in the notes, there were lots that I didn’t.

I laughed my arse off, just at the amount of amateur mistakes you made me aware of.... I rushed this just to get it out and that`s even more amateur.

Quoted from Steve Is all the bold font part of this format?

Yeah sadly it is it comes along with my software and I use other tv formats as templates

page 15 comment  That`s how Bert talks
page 45 comment  Jimmy is being sarcastic calling Chad "enlightenment"
page 55 comment Rome is where this all takes place

I originally wrote this as a screenplay a few years ago and a few people suggested on this site it would be better off as a sitcom.

I should keep better track off my pages, when i enter it in contests they always ask for between 30-60 pages.

Anyways I`m gonna revise it tonight because I feel like such jackass.
Thank you for making me feel this way

Your the best Steve

Mark

Thanks to Steve
I do apologize for the errors in Loserville episode 2, I have revised it and submitted for updating.
So probably won`t get posted for a few weeks.

Always check your work people before submitting it...

Mark

Hey Mark,

It's no worries mate, I always enjoy reading other contributing members work.

I'm just happy to be helpful and hopefully what I had to say will improve your episode here.

Will keep an eye out for the revised version.

Have a good one mate and...
(beat)
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Steve

Hi Mark.
I read through you tvpilot and I tell you this, I loved it. So far it was the neatest script I've read. I wish my scripts were as clean. Can't wait to read the second part.
Here I found or I think I found some mistakes:
p-1 Mikey's dialog is interrupted without any interruptions. He says, Mom. Then again charracters name and he says, Mom!.... I think it should be Mom...Mom! and continue.
p-11 You wrote, "Just as he does every morning", then you shoved it. I think you don't need that sentence. You have already shoved it in action and it is perfectly clear.
p-22 Is Bread talking to Chad or Bob? If to Bob, then Bob is his brother and they seem to be always together so he should know Brad's slangs like ."Touche". But if he is talking to Chad, then you put Bob instead of Chad. IMO
p-41 Mikey's dialog in the bottom reads, "Jimmy has been givin", I think it should be Jimmy has been given.
That is all I found, if I found anything. The craft and story are great. Hope I was helpfull.

All the best
Jahon.

Hey Jahon
Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Jahon p-1 Mikey's dialog is interrupted without any interruptions. He says, Mom. Then again charracters name and he says, Mom!.... I think it should be Mom...Mom! and continue.

You are totally right here.... Schoolboy error... I revised my script and then didn`t check it when I sent it in.... so now I submitted a revised script of the pilot....

Again thanks for the info
p.s If you want to read the 2nd episode, I can email you the revised version, or you can read the one above and ignore the grammar mistakes.(Another schoolboy error)

I`m gonna read your scripts this week

Mark

Yo Mark.

So far I'm up to page 25, will finish it off tomorrow.

I thought this episode started well, but then seemed to change part way through. I think the problem is that the tone seems to change. For about seven pages from 16-23 it came across more drama then comedy. I mean, comedy is subjective and maybe I missed something a few others would find funny, but it just didn't feel quite right to me.

Another issue for me is Bert. This is now our third character who's name starts with a B. I read once that you should try to avoid character names starting with the same letter and I believe this to be good advice. I guess it can be fine to have Brad and Bob because they are brothers, but change Berts name to anything else just to avoid any possible confusion.

So here are a few page by page notes thus far...

P1- Get rid of the parenthetical (TO BOB), it's obvious who it's to.
P2- The alarm clock gag is a good one, though I think you could lose the 'if that's what you mean' line from Bob, just to clean it up.
P4- Mickey's dialogue needs to be broken up, it's tough to read all in one go and I did try out loud a few times.
P6- Peggy says 'Have you had sex yet?' I wasn't keen on this line. Could be changed to something just as awkward, but funny.
P7- Desiree 'Aren't these puppies cute'... I chuckled. I don't think you need the guys to say anything after this, just give each other knowing looks would work fine/better.
P11- Jimmy dialogue should be 'It must 'BE' her time of the month'.
P14- When we meet Bert it takes 5 lines. In film scripts we try to avoid going over four but it's TV so could be different. It can be cleaned up easy enough. Get rid of the word 'old' as we know he's in his fifties. The word 'very' can go, I once read that if you use 'very' it makes the next word weak. Also just tell us he has bling, we don't need to know it's neck and arms because that's where bling generally goes.
P15- (Clenching his fist for a fist pump)- get rid or make it an action line. When Bert asks if he wants one of his ho's made me chuckle. When we go into the apartment you didn't give a new slug. You also then say 'past Bert and the ho's to her apartment'. This to me meant we are at her apartment, but then we're back in the hallway avoiding druggies.
P16- Two paragraphs with five lines back to back. Each can be avoided. In the first just take out one of the DVD titles. In the second you say 'tons' of pills fall out. It could just be pills fall out. 'Tons' could also be taken a bit literally like I first pictured it BTW. Also are the pills in bottles? You can also get rid of 'while keeping a conversation going with Mickey'.
P19- Mickey says 'Well everyone except your dad'. This actually shocked me just because it seemed so unlike him. It is a worst thing you could say scenario which could be funny, but for some reason it didn't come across that way to me. I usually like that oh no he didn't just say that type of thing too. Maybe I'm just tired.
P20- EXT SALLY'S APARTMENT HALLWAY... do you mean INT?
P21- As above but now it's also just EXT SALLY'S APARTMENT. EXT SALLY'S WINDOW could be just EXT APARTMENT with a mini slug. When Sally jumps to kill herself, it didn't quite work for me. Logically it doesn't seem that could possibly happen. Maybe I just have to go with it as it's comedy?
P23- Bert saying 'Ok whores...' made me chuckle.
P25- When the addicts clap, then cough I laughed.

Any questions on my points just ask.

Hi Mark.

Is it TV pilots so easy to read, or it is your writing? I had never read through 55-52 pages in one hour before. Great writing man. Two thumbs up. I think I should learn a lot from you. If you don't mind to teach.

I found a few misspellings IMO. And here they are:

p-11 Chad says, it must he time of the mounth. I think you missed (be) after the word (must).

p-36 Sally begins to fake a orgasm. I think it should be (an orgasm)

p-38 You wrote he looks at little nervous at Chad. I think it should be ( a little) nervous.



I hope it helped. If you have anything else there to read send it over.



Regards

Jahongir  

Sorry for the delay, been having internet problems. I'll start where I left off...

P26- 'Begins to re-enact the famous Monty Python sketch' is a line you can lose. I haven't seen a lot of MP stuff but I know of the sketch and could get the reference. You have 'and a sporting a shady', lose the first 'A'. Should the sign be CLOSED not CLOSE?
P28- MAN dialogue... i'll should be I'll.
P29- I can't figure out why 'Wank' would be on the letter? Plus I'm assuming this is in America but I thought Americans don't use that word?
P32- I chuckled at Mickeys 'not necessary to squint' line.
P34- Five line paragraph, get rid of 'as it's his first time buying condoms', we know that already.
P36- Should be 'AN orgasm'.
P38- Should be 'AT the bar', 'A little nervous'. When Chad says 'What no snappy comeback' should have a '?'.
P39- Chad should say 'nor was HE'.
P40- Man one says 'What'... no '?'.
P41- Should Jimmy say 'for NOT being as smart'?
P44- Chads line about remembering the eyes made me chuckle.
P45- Chad twice says 'KNOWN' when I think it should be 'KNOWING'. His first dialogue is a bit of a mouthful too.
P48- I think Jimmy should say 'he was A good man'.
P51- Repeatly should be REPEATEDLY. Jimmy says 'you do'... no '?'. Chad saying 'I kinda see you in her' made me chuckle.
P55- Reporter says 'you' instead of 'your'. When he said 'these are two guys that are guaranteed to have a job in the morning' amused me.

One other thing I noticed was on P49 you have Peggy leave, then Jimmys confusion and then Chad explaining the whole thing to him. I think this would of worked better if you had Peggy leave, Jimmy being confused and then just have Chad say he can explain, no more than that. Then cut to Jimmy banging his head on the bar. I worked it out from what she said that Jimmy was his dad so I'm sure everyone else could. This way you save over a page as well.

Overall this episode did have a few amusing points but for me it didn't work quite as well as the first episode. There are a few points where it seemed to go too long without something funny happening, but it could just be that certain things haven't worked for me. Like I said before I think the tone changes a few times, it lost a bit of the comedy vibe.

On the plus side I quite like Brad and Bob and think they have good potential. The real star for me though is Chad. I saw Steve say he was his favourite character too and I would have to agree 100%. With the strength of his character I think you should consider getting him involved a lot more. I look forward to every scene he's in. He's very well written so good work on your part for that.

My last little note, like in the first episode, is the use of 'your' instead of 'you're'. It seems to happen a lot and I think you could do with checking them all to make sure you use the right one.

I'll keep my eyes peeled for episode three.

Hey Mark,

I had another thought about Loserville which I wanted to share with you. I honestly think you have moved the Mickey and Sally relationship too fast. You’ve missed out on a lot of dating material and awkwardness IMO.

When guys date women, we all know that we want to get them in the sack and sometimes, especially in situation comedy the funniest part is the trying. I feel like you needed a couple of dating episodes, some awkwardness between the pair, have Mickey strike out a couple of times.

I just think there is so much potential material you’ve missed out on which could be very funny but maybe you have other ideas for their relationship? Maybe you’re moving it along fast for a particular reason?

Anyway, something to think about.

Have a good one.

Steve

Thanks Jahon for your feedback
I don`t know if tv pilots are easy to read, they are not easy to write. I`m glad you enjoyed it.

Mark.

Arty Thanks for the read and the very detailed feedback

Quoted from Arty For about seven pages from 16-23 it came across more drama then comedy. I mean, comedy is subjective and maybe I missed something a few others would find funny, but it just didn't feel quite right to me.

Comedy is subjective.... this was Steve`s favourite scene and a few others.... What works for some, doesn`t work for others.

Quoted from Arty Mickey says 'Well everyone except your dad'. This actually shocked me just because it seemed so unlike him.

Actually it`s very much Mickey`s character, more so in front of Jimmy, maybe he just let slip.

Quoted from Arty When Sally jumps to kill herself, it didn't quite work for me. Logically it doesn't seem that could possibly happen. Maybe I just have to go with it as it's comedy?

This made me laugh... this is actually a true story about a friend of a friend!!! I know suicide is not funny, but when it goes wrong and you`re telling it on a construction site....It`s freaking hilarious.... Happened to a guy who tied himself to a pool table. He`s still alive and now he`s nicknamed "rope"

Onto your 2nd Feedback thank you I duly noted the grammar mistakes and incorporated some of you`re ideas.....Hope you don`t mind I liked Chad saying he can explain and leave it like that.

It`s funny how Steve and yourself both like Chad, he was never supposed to play a big part, he was originally Chinese, spoke broken english and would sing karaoke like Yoko Ono and I submitted it for a contest... The feedback did not come back well, typical stereotype, lumping all asians together(Chinese man singing Japanese karaoke badly).... so I used that and just completely reversed it....Very smart japanese man, who makes fun of people lumping asians together and  still loves karaoke.... They loved it!

This was originally a screenplay I wrote about 2 years ago and I had it on this site and a lot of feedback I got was to make it a sitcom...so I did...I did a lot of research and read tv writing books/scripts and I know it`s not easy on the eye, but I do appreciate the feedback I get.

Thanks Arty

Mark

Steve, I didn`t notice your feedback until now... sorry buddy.

Quoted from Steve I just think there is so much potential material you’ve missed out on which could be very funny but maybe you have other ideas for their relationship? Maybe you’re moving it along fast for a particular reason?

You can still date after you have sex...right?
I don`t know if that`s too fast.... Maybe it`s from experience... we are still married 12 years later

Thanks for coming up with ideas buddy, in the middle of writing episode 3 and trying a short..


Mark

Hey Mark,

When do you stop dating though and become a couple, there's a difference right. I don’t consider me and my partner dating anymore. Anyway, I was just throwing a new idea around, dating is fantastic material for situation comedies so all I'm trying to say is don't move their relationship too fast, where they have become a couple rather than dating because you will missing out on so much comedic potential.

Good luck with episode 3 and hey, a short...look forward to seeing that, good to see you try something different.

Have a good weekend, Mark

Steve

Hey Mark,

As you requested I had a look at the first episode and I can say I absolutely loved it. I think sometimes the humour tapers out a bit, but you always brought it back with something that was laugh out loud funny. Some golden moments, including the kid in the pet store and the MASH theme song moment. You have a decent sense of humour.

You have some good characters in this and some surprising moments. There were times when I thought that maybe the dialogue could be cleaned up a bit, but on the other hand, this is a comedy. They don't tend to have natural dialogue, but it usually still works out well.

Rather than complaints on the formatting, I have a few questions...

Every now and then I notice you underline certain parts of the action paragraphs. I tried to work it out, but couldn't find how they were different from paragraph lines that weren't underlined. So, I thought I'd ask you. What is the point of that?

Another thing I picked up on was you tend to tell more about a characters personality when we first meet them rather than their appearance. Personally, I'd rather work out individual character traits for myself. Is that a t.v. writing thing, as well?

Overall, I see a lot of potential in this. Any plans to submit it to producers?

You have me sold for the next episode

Daniel

Quoted from Dan Every now and then I notice you underline certain parts of the action paragraphs. I tried to work it out, but couldn't find how they were different from paragraph lines that weren't underlined. So, I thought I'd ask you. What is the point of that?

It's not a must in TV writing, but when characters are walking around locations, it is underlined also as all the action is in CAPS you have to underline the characters when you first meet them, as opposed to screenplay where they're in CAPS.

Quoted from Dan Another thing I picked up on was you tend to tell more about a characters personality when we first meet them rather than their appearance. Personally, I'd rather work out individual character traits for myself. Is that a t.v. writing thing, as well?

Kind of ...sites.google.com/site/tvwriting/us-comedy/pilot-scripts

I think this explains it the best. Also you will notice a lot of different styles, I don't know why but Loserville is actually based on the "3rd rock from the Sun" template! I think it was first on the list on my writing software.

Quoted from Dan Overall, I see a lot of potential in this. Any plans to submit it to producers?

Thanks Dan, I'm trying to get a few more episodes under my belt, I just finished number 3... One contest told me I should get an agent, but I would rather have a few strong episodes.

Mark

p.s Ill give your scripts a read over the weekend

Hey Mark, I know the format is correct but it’s a bitch to read lol.

I chuckled at some the lines early on; ‘The staple gun hold up’ and I don’t know if it was intentional but ‘fishes in their tankie wankies’?  Maybe that’s the childish humour in me.

I had a bit of problem with the will though.  It was funny but would Mickey really just accept something that clearly wasn’t a real will?  Or was it, if it was, I think it would be more believable if it read more like a conventional will.  In fact I think it could work better if it read formal and professional with a few added japes included.

I felt some of the dialogue didn’t always flow and was a bit forced.  An example of this is when Mickey meets Sally for the first time.  Sally rambles on about other shops in the town but Mickey responds with asking her where she came from.  This leads on to another joke about  birth control, which is quite funny, but naturally I think Mickey’s response might be something like ‘what the hell are you talking about?’

This might be a British thing but our pet shops don’t sell cats and dogs, or none that I’ve ever been in.

I noticed a few instances when characters seem to move around without you telling us but it’s not a great problem.  Also a few times when I wasn’t sure where people were.  An example is when the drunk enters the bar and is thrown out by Chad.  The drunk confronts Chad, who I thought would be behind the bar but he seems to throw him out without moving, so I’m not sure if he was just stood near the bar or behind it.  Like I say, not a major problem, especially in a sitcom script were its main focus on dialogue.

Why does Chad put on an accent to Jimmy when he knows him?  He calls him Jimmy having not been told who he is, so I’m guessing he knows him?  Also, at the beginning Mickey doesn’t seem to recognise Jimmy, Peggy tells him it’s uncle Jimmy, yet Bob, Brad and Chad seem to recognise him.  Maybe I’m mistaken here?

I don’t get the image of a 60 year old man when I picture Jimmy.

Noticed a few ‘your’ that should be ‘you’re’.

Sally tells Mickey she was left as a baby on the doorstep of a church and then the Weston’s but a few moments later Mickey asks if her parents could help her?  I thought she didn’t know her parents?  Is he talking about the Weston’s?

I like the ‘Police’ line lol but I don’t think you need the line pointing it out as the band.

Why does Frankie want to destroy the Pet Shop?

I thought more of the story would have taken place in the Pet Shop but I’m guessing it may feature more in subsequent episodes.

Overall I enjoyed this.  There were some very funny gags and one liners.  Some things bothered me, see above, mostly Jimmy’s age.  Bob and Brad were incredibly stupid and initially I thought too much but they grew on me.  Chad was great too.  Mickey and Sally’s relationship has great potential for more laughs, with her suicidal tendencies.  I breezed through it and will take a look at episode 2 in the next few days, Mark.

Good read and enjoying it so far.

Quoted from Alffy I had a bit of problem with the will though.  It was funny but would Mickey really just accept something that clearly wasn’t a real will?  Or was it, if it was, I think it would be more believable if it read more like a conventional will.  In fact I think it could work better if it read formal and professional with a few added japes included.

A few people had a problem with the will scene, but my problem is that the answer is the 2nd episode and i was trying not to put every detail in the pilot, as it is series.... the fact that Mickey accepted it was done to trusting his mother so much.
I'm actually in the middle rewriting the pilot completley and moving this to episode 2... driving myself crazy, but trying to create more of Mickey's world with his mom, before jumping right in.

Quoted from alffy I felt some of the dialogue didn’t always flow and was a bit forced.  An example of this is when Mickey meets Sally for the first time.  Sally rambles on about other shops in the town but Mickey responds with asking her where she came from.  This leads on to another joke about  birth control, which is quite funny, but naturally I think Mickey’s response might be something like ‘what the hell are you talking about?’

Something to think about thanks

Quoted from alffy This might be a British thing but our pet shops don’t sell cats and dogs, or none that I’ve ever been in.

Might be... When I lived in Ireland I don't remember dogs and cats, but they're in every pet shop in America I have been in.

Quoted from alffy Why does Chad put on an accent to Jimmy when he knows him?  He calls him Jimmy having not been told who he is, so I’m guessing he knows him?  Also, at the beginning Mickey doesn’t seem to recognise Jimmy, Peggy tells him it’s uncle Jimmy, yet Bob, Brad and Chad seem to recognise him.  Maybe I’m mistaken here?

Yes everyone knows Jimmy, he's just kind of messing around as Jimmy was always a local... Not much else too it... Mickey only jumped back and yelped as he wasn't expecting anyone to be lying on his couch when he woke... Obviously Peggy knew different.

Quoted from alffy Sally tells Mickey she was left as a baby on the doorstep of a church and then the Weston’s but a few moments later Mickey asks if her parents could help her?  I thought she didn’t know her parents?  Is he talking about the Weston’s?

Yes her parents as in the Westons who raised her as a baby.

Quoted from alffy I like the ‘Police’ line lol but I don’t think you need the line pointing it out as the band. Why does Frankie want to destroy the Pet Shop? I thought more of the story would have taken place in the Pet Shop but I’m guessing it may feature more in subsequent episodes.

Thanks I could change it.
2nd episode
It's more back and forth between the bar and pet shop

Quoted from alffy Overall I enjoyed this.  There were some very funny gags and one liners.  Some things bothered me, see above, mostly Jimmy’s age.  Bob and Brad were incredibly stupid and initially I thought too much but they grew on me.  Chad was great too.  Mickey and Sally’s relationship has great potential for more laughs, with her suicidal tendencies.  I breezed through it and will take a look at episode 2 in the next few days, Mark. Good read and enjoying it so far.

Thanks for the read Alffy
I'm gonna start Pub Lunch today

Mark

Hello Mark,

I remember giving the first episode a read a while back. Thought I'd crack the second one open.

I think this one is much funnier than the first. I haven't read the rewrite of the first episode, but I'll get around to it.

I see you have established an opening intro scene per episode. I like that, nice touch.

I haven't read any other comments, so forgive me if I'm repeating typos or issues which may have already been pointed out.

Page 11: A couple of you're & your mixed up.

Page 18: I don't understand the Weston video on TV? How does the home video show the blind father holding a camera? Is he holding a still camera and someone else is doing the video? Maybe I'm just not getting it.

Page 20: I don't know if Sally was in the first episode (new draft) but the relationship/exchange between her and Mickey just seems a bit surreal. Things happen too quickly. I get where you're going and what the characters are about, but this need to be played out longer, maybe over the entire episode, rather than a few pages.

More notes to follow.

Page 23: Okay, I see what you're going for here, but the exchange between Sally and Bert, it's just too on the nose. Comedy relies on other dialouge devices to express humour, not everything needs to be explained out aloud. Use a little sub text, word play, puns and misinterpretations. I think you could trim along of the dialouge in places and still achieve more of a punch.

Page 31: I'll give you full marks for out there comedy - not so sure what time slot this fits into.

Page 34: I dunno about the condom jokes, a little too schoolboy and been done to death, more fitting in a teen comedy.

Page 36: I'm no sexpert, but, given that they are having sex for half a page, I'd say she's most definitely faking it.

Overall, it's not bad, just needs a tidy up, spelling mistakes peppered through out, and address some of the dialouge.

Eoin

Eoin

How's it going, Irish across the pond.

You were the first to comment on Loserville episode 1, I thank you for that and yes episode 2 thanks again.

Quoted from Eoin Page 18: I don't understand the Weston video on TV? How does the home video show the blind father holding a camera? Is he holding a still camera and someone else is doing the video? Maybe I'm just not getting it.

Mr Weston is holding the camera, he isn't in the movie

Quoted Text Page 20: I don't know if Sally was in the first episode (new draft) but the relationship/exchange between her and Mickey just seems a bit surreal. Things happen too quickly. I get where you're going and what the characters are about, but this need to be played out longer, maybe over the entire episode, rather than a few pages.

Yeah I agree they maybe rushed into it, but she was in the first episode.

Quoted Text Page 36: I'm no sexpert, but, given that they are having sex for half a page, I'd say she's most definitely faking it.

Lol me too

Thanks again Eoin... What are you upto? have you been writing anything lately

Mark

Hey Mark,

Back to Mr Weston and the home movie, as the action description here is confusing. Mickey puts on a DVD. The description that follows is of the movie Mickey sees. So, why do you describe Mr Weston, if he is the one holding the camera, he won't be shown in the home movie. That's the confusion.

It would only work if the camera were on, we see him as described, he fumbles around and picks up the camera, then we know the following footage in the home movie is shot by Mr Weston, the blind guy we just saw throught the camera he now holds.

Haven't been doing too much writing. Still working on the same feature. Updated it in the work in progress section recently.

Eoin

Hey Mark

Loved the opening scene to episode 2, I chuckled out loud at Jimmy’s response ‘you think I was a little too hard on him.’  Should it end in a ? though.

I like the fact that Brad and Bob will phone Chad to find out what big words mean.  It’s quite amusing.

Liked Sally’s suicide attempt but Mickey’s reaction is a little odd.  He say’s ‘you’re alive’ but I’m not sure he knew she was attempting suicide?

When Bob quietly grabs the pen and not the gun, it reminded me of a funny ‘Only Fools and Horses episode’, don’t know if you know it?   The only thing about this scene is that Bob and Brad are stupid and often phone Chad for answers but they are amending the letter.  Maybe they should amend it wrong?

‘Do you have a fitting room?’  ha, good line.

When Chad chases off the two guys from his bar, he picks up his sword twice without putting it down.  Then Jimmy says if he threw out everyone as smart as him, he’d have no customers.  Should he say, if threw everyone who wasn’t as smart as him?

Over all I thought this episode was better than first.  The comedy seemed more subtle; like you didn’t spell out the gags.   The relationship with Mickey and Sally is good, maybe a bit quick but I think you could play that card later; them finding out more about each other as they become closer.  The only negative I have is that after almost two hours of screen time the story hasn’t moved very far forward.  I know that in a series you need to drag it out but so far we only know a little about Jimmy and Frankie and that seems to have been the last few minutes of each episode.  I don’t want to end on a bed note so I’ll say, this was decent and I hope you keep this going.

Good work, Mark.

Hey alffy thanks for the read.

Quoted from Alffy When Bob quietly grabs the pen and not the gun, it reminded me of a funny ‘Only Fools and Horses episode’, don’t know if you know it?   The only thing about this scene is that Bob and Brad are stupid and often phone Chad for answers but they are amending the letter.  Maybe they should amend it wrong?

I was waiting for some englishman to spot it..   I grew up on british sitcoms , Blackadder, young ones, only fools and horses and more. I call this my 'oasis' scene as in the band... They had a habit of nicking other songs and putting their own spin on them to make it theirs!!
RODNEY.

Quoted from Alffy When Chad chases off the two guys from his bar, he picks up his sword twice without putting it down.  Then Jimmy says if he threw out everyone as smart as him, he’d have no customers.  Should he say, if threw everyone who wasn’t as smart as him?

Ill look into it.. Thanks

Quoted from Alffy Over all I thought this episode was better than first.  The comedy seemed more subtle; like you didn’t spell out the gags.   The relationship with Mickey and Sally is good, maybe a bit quick but I think you could play that card later; them finding out more about each other as they become closer.  The only negative I have is that after almost two hours of screen time the story hasn’t moved very far forward.  I know that in a series you need to drag it out but so far we only know a little about Jimmy and Frankie and that seems to have been the last few minutes of each episode.  I don’t want to end on a bed note so I’ll say, this was decent and I hope you keep this going.

Thanks Alffy, I do agree that maybe Mickey and Sally are moving a little too quickly, I might have to rewrite this episode a little.
I just finished the 3rd episode while at the same time writing a new pilot!!! yes complicating things.
I wanted to get more into Mickey's world before Jimmy arrived... His relationship with his mom and stuff and the lack  of success in the pet shop and also showing Jimmy getting out of jail. Also I created more of Peggy's character, a very devout catholic mother, while Brad is an atheist and created tension between those too.

I will post the 3rd episode soon

Thanks again

Mark

i know there are a couple of versions so these notes are from “Loservillen2n” in case there’s a newer draft. In which case i’m writing for nowt. (Just checked, this f/b IS for the pilot in the original post of this thread) -->

It’s a good premise, the pet-shop isn’t a context i can remember any comedy shows taking yet (dead parrot sketches don’t count lol) but i gotta say for me the script as is is a little patchy overall.

There are some individual moments that made me laugh but these are padded out with scenes and dialogues that for me weren’t so strong. The difference is in the unexpected. Taking the scene with the kid buying a bunny for his snake. This got me proper good, from the moment he walked in to the final pay-off line (although I take FREAKING EXCEPTION to “the Irish problem”!)(Oim Oirishish). Blatant (and incorrect I’ll have you know) racial stereotyping aside, what made all the jokes here work was their unexpected nature. The kid turns out to be more worldly than we assumed, and it’s the surprise that gets us.

Some of the ‘banter’ between Mickey and Jimmy, it’s not so unexpected to be fair. That’s not to say the lines are predictable, but the direction of them is. Mickey jokes about Jimmy’s drinking, Jimmy jokes about Mickey’s weak character. Left me cold, personally.

Same with bits of the sally getting bit scene, the moments where she does/says the unexpected are the winning lines. The bits where she lives up to our expectations are less so.

So I stopped about half-way through, exactly at the reveal of Chad’s bad Japanese accent turning out to be fake – have you seen that series called Faith, with Johnny Lee Miller, about a lawyer who gets a brain tumour? Ok. The pilot has that exact dialogue in it between him and his Japanese reiki teacher (I think it’s reiki). The exact same lines. If it’s a homage, then ok but to be fair it needs to be a homage with its own unique twist, like it’s an English guy doing an English accent that turns out to be fake, and he’s actually Indian/Japanese/etc.

Finally... the opening scene was a problem. Luckily I carried past it to get to the good bits, but it was too disorganised and chaotic for me to follow easily.

I know I’m amateur but I’d almost always suggest starting a pilot with a major transition for the person about to be the central characer, and Jimmy ‘appearing’ in Mickey’s life isn’t quite there. The will suddenly appearing, also not quite there.

As a suggestion, if I could edit – perhaps open with Mickey in the shop, alone, immediately after his dad’s funeral. He’s talking to the animals/himself about what he’s going to do to change things round here (more food, bigger cages, better muzak) now he’s the owner. Then Ma comes in with the shock news – the will’s been read out and it leaves the shop to Mickey’s dead-beat uncle etc.

It would set up everything we need to know about the premise and the main characters in 60 seconds.


I’m really sorry if it’s not the greatest feedback, but it’s one of those where I’m only saying it because I think it’s worth saying – I can see how with a rewrite or two it’s going to be a proper funny show all through. If I didn’t think it had the strong bones of a good show, I’d not have bothered. Plus comedy is something that it’s WAY easier to critique than write.

So overall, pretty good potential. Even though you disrespect my tribe (for which you will answer to God who, as everyone knows, was born in Cork).

Marriot  thanks for the read.

Quoted from Marriot This got me proper good, from the moment he walked in to the final pay-off line (although I take FREAKING EXCEPTION to “the Irish problem”!)(Oim Oirishish). Blatant (and incorrect I’ll have you know) racial stereotyping aside, what made all the jokes here work was their unexpected nature.

Born and bred Irishman myself, the first 22 years of my life in Derry opposite ends...I chose the big apple and you chose London I'm  guessing

Quoted from Marriot So I stopped about half-way through, exactly at the reveal of Chad’s bad Japanese accent turning out to be fake – have you seen that series called Faith, with Johnny Lee Miller, about a lawyer who gets a brain tumour? Ok. The pilot has that exact dialogue in it between him and his Japanese reiki teacher (I think it’s reiki). The exact same lines. If it’s a homage, then ok but to be fair it needs to be a homage with its own unique twist, like it’s an English guy doing an English accent that turns out to be fake, and he’s actually Indian/Japanese/etc.

One Irishman to another I have never seen Faith, so for me to have wrote exactly the same lines, I promise you it wasn't on purpose it is just a freak thing... If I pay homage I will tell you, like in episode 2 that Alffy mentioned above to Only Fools and Horses.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001538/    I just looked up Johnny lee Miller and could not find anything about "Faith" or you sure it was him or is it another name.

Quoted Text As a suggestion, if I could edit – perhaps open with Mickey in the shop, alone, immediately after his dad’s funeral. He’s talking to the animals/himself about what he’s going to do to change things round here (more food, bigger cages, better muzak) now he’s the owner. Then Ma comes in with the shock news – the will’s been read out and it leaves the shop to Mickey’s dead-beat uncle etc. It would set up everything we need to know about the premise and the main characters in 60 seconds.

I have already started the new pilot, as I wanted to create more of Mickey's world before his uncle came in... So this episode will be number 2 and number 2 will be 3...

Quoted Text I’m really sorry if it’s not the greatest feedback, but it’s one of those where I’m only saying it because I think it’s worth saying – I can see how with a rewrite or two it’s going to be a proper funny show all through. If I didn’t think it had the strong bones of a good show, I’d not have bothered. Plus comedy is something that it’s WAY easier to critique than write.

Marriot, this is a great feedback and I see exactly were you're coming from, i'm glad that you think it has strong bones.
It will be rewrote and I like the idea of starting with a funeral..Its' only been done once as i know.. fawlty towers.

Quoted Text So overall, pretty good potential. Even though you disrespect my tribe (for which you will answer to God who, as everyone knows, was born in Cork).

Lol my tribe too and you know God was born in Dublin(Bono) or so he tell us

Did you end up reading the whole script? If you didn't its ok.. If you did great, there is a 2nd episode attached if you want and again there is no pressure to read.

Slan

Mark

hey irish eyes, i gotta admit i'm a first of my family born in uk and by then the folks had left london for the north. i wish they'd picked nyc though, boy do i!

Might have got the name of the series wrong - google says i did... but what it means is if you got the same idea, it shows it's a good idea. ... the pilot of this series was pretty good (after that it tailed off fast lol)... aha, just found the series was called "eli stone". It had a big set-piece in this high-powered-lawyer-firm's high-rise office lobby with the real george michael (yep, the man hiself) singing faith, which is what confused me. (And come on, if they'd carried on with that attitude, the whole series would have been a freaking legend).

I've got a weekend of naff all on, so I'll sit down with a few caff-pows and read through both episodes. and i have to repeat this - i'm commenting on your comedy when i know i couldn't do it myself... it's the hardest thing to be funny, so getting belly laughs is big respect man. (i'm paranoid about sounding arsey, when i know it's easier to say than do.)

-- and I couldn't remember fawlty starting with a funeral, must be ages since i've seen them. too long in fact. [note. talking fawlty and other britcoms, can i ask what sort of a 'feel' you're aiming for with this? it sounds vague, but is it going to be an anarchic fast-paced smack-line after smack-line show, or more quiet characters-with-killer-lines? either way it's gonna work, but the feedback might change depending on the direction you wanted to take it. 'feel' is the best way i have of describing it...]

Thanks for your kind words Marriot

Quoted from Marriot and I couldn't remember fawlty starting with a funeral, must be ages since i've seen them. too long in fact. [note. talking fawlty and other britcoms, can i ask what sort of a 'feel' you're aiming for with this? it sounds vague, but is it going to be an anarchic fast-paced smack-line after smack-line show, or more quiet characters-with-killer-lines? either way it's gonna work, but the feedback might change depending on the direction you wanted to take it. 'feel' is the best way i have of describing it...

"The kipper and the corpse" is the Fawlty towers episode

My sitcom always gets compared to "Always sunny in Philadelphia" I don't know if you get it over there, it stars Danny DeVito.

It's kind of a mixture of the two... Fast paced smack-line and also 1 or 2 characters with killer lines... Sorry I can't really narrow it down to 1...


If you do get a chance on line maybe you should check out "Sunny" it's really funny... DeVito joins in the 2nd season.

Thanks again for the read

Mark

hey Mark - ach, my bad. I didn't mean to ask which one of the two (although that's what I did) - I meant to ask where on the spectrum between them, or sort of what other shows would it be most like in the ... only word I can think of is 'feel'.

Not seen Always Sunny in Philadelphia, not even heard of it (which is a bummer because the state of britcom right now is - unmentionable in places. So we could do with some good shows).

I'll look up on a [popular video hosting site] if the [corporate advertisement vehicle - I mean popular video hosting site] allows the copyright through.

Quoted from irish eyes It will be rewrote and I like the idea of starting with a funeral..Its' only been done once as i know.. fawlty towers.

I had to jump in, I would advise against this as it's very difficult to pull off especially if you're attempting to give this scene emotion to go with the comedy. I mean doing too much comedy and avoiding the sadness/grief that Mickey is going through wouldn't work for me.

On the other side of the coin, if you give this scene too much emotion and avoid the comedy then although giving Mickey some great depth as a character, you're going into drama territory unless that is the direction your heading for.

Also Fawlty Towers never ever started with a funeral, in fact there in no funeral in the show period. The episode your referring to is where a guest dies in his room during the night and they try to hide body until the undertakers arrive...very funny episode let me add.

If you decide to go with this then I would direct you to a show mentioned on a previous post. Only Fools and Horses and the episode strained relations. This episode started with the funeral of their beloved grandad and it was handled with perfection by the writer John Sullivan. It delivered the emotion of such a tragic event but also gave you most unexpected laugh - just well executed.

It would be a tricky scene and would need to handled with care but if you get right then it could prove to be an excellent opening. Like I say though, it needs to have the right mix of both emotion and comedy because this isn't just some random dude, it's his father and you would expect him to be upset.

Good luck with it, buddy.

p.s good result at the weekend, mate. At least we only lost 1-0.

Having read CoopBazinga's post I have to admit I agree - it's too much emotion. How about an [x]-th anniversary - motivates the quiet opening scene, Mickey talking to the animals - but it's revealed there was a clause in the will that if Mickey hadn't like turned a profit say, by that anniversary then ownership went to Jimmy?

(I'm doing the 'ego' thing from the 5 types of bad screenwriter thread and it's for a suggestion I made on someone else's work. Is there some sort of special badge for that? )

Thanks Coop and Marriot
From memory and that's a few years, I thought it started with a funeral.

I do remember the Only Fools and Horses episode that was a classic. John Sullivan is a legend and one of my favorite writers. If I could write half as good him I'd be happy

I said I liked the idea, but I'm not going that way... It's already half-way through and i'm creating more of Mickey's relationship with his mom... Before his uncle got released and also Jimmy in prison with Frankie.... So when I finish hopefully it will roll into the pilot that you both read which of course will become episode 2.

Gonna clean up episode 3 tonight and submit it.

Thanks again

Mark

p.s Coop, it ended on a sweet note with the scum losing to Everton

I think the Only Fools and Horses episode had such an emotional impact because Lennard Pearce did actually die.  You could see the sadness in the actors and Sullivan played on that to suck the audience in before he added a light hearted 'funny moment' with the Vicar's hat. Genius!

Quoted from alffy I think the Only Fools and Horses episode had such an emotional impact because Lennard Pearce did actually die.  You could see the sadness in the actors and Sullivan played on that to suck the audience in before he added a light hearted 'funny moment' with the Vicar's hat. Genius!

Genius and ballsy! A lot of writers/shows would have painted over this, maybe even brought in another actor to play the role but John Sullivan played his hand absolutely right. I also believe this episode took the show to another level, it not only showed what great actors David Jason and Nicolas Lyndhurst were but how much depth Del Boy had as a character. A likable, confident trader on the surface but inside too scared to mourn his grandad because he doesn't know how or want to believe he's gone. Great stuff.

Sorry to derail your thread here, Mark. My last words on this wonderful show. Did you upload episode 3? How you getting on with the new pilot?

No probs Coop, it is a classic one of my favorites of all time.

I've been incredibly busy at work, long nights and all, so I haven't had a chance to clean it up and upload...
The pilot, I'm half-way through....

Thanks guys for all the feedback you've gave me.

Mark

Hey Mark

Mickey spits out his cereal but he was just banging his head on the table.  I guess he could have spooned in another mouthful though.

Jimmy loves...himself.  This had me smiling.  Reminded me of Blackadder goes forth when Nurse Fletcher Brown asks him if he cares about anyone and says, ‘me’.

‘Make sure they never meet’ lol

I seem to remember that Mickey and Sally’s relationship moved fast in the first two episodes, so now I see you’ve slowed it down...or stopped it lol.  Poor Mickey.

I was hoping four finger Frankie would play a part and it seems he might?

Bob and Brad’s tree/cat scene is pretty funny.  I like how they are more interested in the coin than the cat and only when Brad is in the tree does Bob bring out the ladder for him to get down lol.

Whenever I read these episodes and the action goes to Murphy’s, I just want a pint lol.

Did Sally leave Murphy’s with Chad’s sword?

I liked Dr. Edwards character, he had some good funny lines.

I know it’s a comedy but Sally dumped Mickey and then flips her lid when she catches him with Desiree.  Actually I see she forgives him after he tells her he did it to learn new moves lol.

Who poisoned the Mobster?  Chad?

Bob, Brad and Bert, I got confused at times.

I thought four finger Frankie might have played a bigger part but I see you’re going to slow drip us the story.  I’m fine with this as the story with the other characters is engaging enough.

Another good episode, Mark.  The more I read these the more I think we must share the same interests in comedy.

Thanks for the read Alffy

Quoted from alffy Jimmy loves...himself.  This had me smiling.  Reminded me of Blackadder goes forth when Nurse Fletcher Brown asks him if he cares about anyone and says, ‘me’.

There's not much gets past you

Quoted from Alffy I was hoping four finger Frankie would play a part and it seems he might?

His henchmen are playing the part... As i'm writing the new pilot, we actually "see" four finger Frankie.

Quoted from Alffy Who poisoned the Mobster?  Chad?

Sally poisoned her own drink and was gonna drink it... another failed suicide attempt... The snakebite in the first episode... the hanging in the second

Quoted from Alffy Another good episode, Mark.  The more I read these the more I think we must share the same interests in comedy.

  

Listen, if you can point out the only fools and horses scene on ep2 and the Blackadder scene for this ep3... both of which I hold my hands up and say yes, I "borrowed" those scenes

You know good comedy Anthony and thanks again

Mark

p.s Hopefully Ill finish the new pilot soon

I wouldn't say you borrowed those scenes, merely borrowed the ideas.

I was a bit slow on the Sally suicide thing, sorry.

I look forward to the new pilot episode.

Hey Mark,

Gave episode 3 a quick read this afternoon and I can see a lot that has been cleaned up in the writing department - I read a really early draft if I'm correct.

Although I see that you still had't managed to figure out the parentheticals problem on MM before posting. Hopefully you've managed to figure that one out now?

Also keep an eye out for missing comma's which did interrupt the read and made a lot of lines read awkward.

The episode plot hasn't changed as far as I could tell? I looked back through my original e-mail and a lot of the problems I had with the story then still exist now.

I felt that none of the characters developed over this episode other than the Bob & Desiree relationship which flourished towards the end.

Mickey and Sally were in exactly the same position they were in at the beginning - nothing changed.

My biggest gripe was the fact that we never got that much anticipated talk between Mickey and Jimmy which was promised or referenced to throughout from Peggy. Maybe you didn't want this revealed yet but I think you could have set it up, only to be disrupted by the stealing of the parrot.

This makes its absence less of a disappointment and more believable than just avoiding it altogether. This should have been what was pushing Jimmy on in this episode and when he finally gets the bottle and goes to tell Mickey - Bang! The beloved parrot being stolen robs him of his moment and the audience have to wait another week.

And the side stories (Brad and Bob saving the squirrel and Peggy trying to convert Brad's beliefs) served no purpose to the episode or overall series arc, but if I remember correctly, the latter will be introduced in the revised pilot and will make this make more sense? Comes off kinda random at the moment.

But I did enjoy the introduction of Dr. Edwards who could be a funny ongoing character.

And I think you ended it well with the kidnap or should I say birdnap of the beloved parrot. Gives the next episode some tension from the off and a clear goal - get the parrot back.

Quoted from alffy Who poisoned the Mobster?  Chad?

Quoted from alffy I was a bit slow on the Sally suicide thing, sorry.

I was very unclear on this as well in the original read and after just reading it again, I think this needs to be made more obvious.

If it wasn't for you telling me what happened here then I would have still been in the dark, he just seems to die randomly.

Maybe you could show Sally putting a pill in her drink or some reference that she is going to poison herself earlier in the story... it needs something for clarity sake.

Anyway, look forward to the revised pilot.

Have a good weekend, mate.

Steveo.... I didn't expect to see this up in the portal

Thanks for the read....again

Quoted from coop Gave episode 3 a quick read this afternoon and I can see a lot that has been cleaned up in the writing department - I read a really early draft if I'm correct.

Yeah you're right, you read the first draft as usual.. cuz you're awesome

Quoted Text Although I see that you still had't managed to figure out the parentheticals problem on MM before posting. Hopefully you've managed to figure that one out now?

Quoted Text I felt that none of the characters developed over this episode other than the Bob & Desiree relationship which flourished towards the end.

yeah that's something i'm trying to work on

Quoted Text My biggest gripe was the fact that we never got that much anticipated talk between Mickey and Jimmy which was promised or referenced to throughout from Peggy. Maybe you didn't want this revealed yet but I think you could have set it up, only to be disrupted by the stealing of the parrot.

this episode was supposed to be more of a part 1 of 2 and I should have finished it like that.

Quoted Text This makes its absence less of a disappointment and more believable than just avoiding it altogether. This should have been what was pushing Jimmy on in this episode and when he finally gets the bottle and goes to tell Mickey - Bang! The beloved parrot being stolen robs him of his moment and the audience have to wait another week.

That's kinda what I was going for maybe I didn't perfect well enough

Quoted Text And the side stories (Brad and Bob saving the squirrel and Peggy trying to convert Brad's beliefs) served no purpose to the episode or overall series arc, but if I remember correctly, the latter will be introduced in the revised pilot and will make this make more sense? Comes off kinda random at the moment.

Brad and Bob are trying to make money for the store, i'm trying to use them as side projects.

Quoted Text And I think you ended it well with the kidnap or should I say birdnap of the beloved parrot.  Gives the next episode some tension from the off and a clear goal - get the parrot back.

Yeah... I did something right

Quoted Text I was very unclear on this as well in the original read and after just reading it again, I think this needs to be made more obvious. If it wasn't for you telling me what happened here then I would have still been in the dark, he just seems to die randomly. Maybe you could show Sally putting a pill in her drink or some reference that she is going to poison herself earlier in the story... it needs something for clarity sake. Anyway, look forward to the revised pilot.

I thought that with her 2 previous suicide attempts in the other episodes it would have been clear, but as Alffy and you have pointed out the same issue, it's obvious that I have to make it clearer to the reader. I sometimes forget I know the story in my head

I'm nearly finished the pilot.

Thanks again buddy for the read

Mark

Good to see Villa starting to get a few points

Mark, sorry for the lateness in my review but we've had a power failure here; been like Dickens with candle light. lol

Noticed a typo on page 4 Jillian dialogue 'your' should be 'you're'.  Really liked this opening, very funny.

Mickey saying his dad has been gone 9 years felt a bit forced.

Susan! lol

bottom of page 16 Peggy says they 'don't own the bank any money', think this should be 'owe'?

Like the background on Jimmy and four finger Frankie.

Bottom of page 25 'Frankie lets go off his grip', should be 'of'.

The flushing convict had me in stitches.

page 37 the warden says 'your are a free man', should be 'you are a free man'.

I like the whole prison scenes, Frankie running the place and the Warden making sure his food is good.

page 39, Jimmy says 'I'm...I....getting....', should be 'Am....I.....getting

Ha, Sally's suicide attempt in the car.

page 47 Peggy says 'did anyone ever tell you, you knew too much?' should this be 'know'?

Bottom of page 49 Peggy's says 'Put in on speaker....but don't tell I'm here', think this should read 'Put him on speaker...but don't tell him I'm here'?

I like how you ended with where the previous episode 1 started.

Well I wanted to make more notes but I just breezed through it and have very little to add or suggest.  I loved it Mark and I hope you continue to write more episodes.  Sorry I couldn't be of more use with my review.

Thanks Anthony, I'm glad you liked it.

Your notes are totally appreciated. I wanted to create more of Mickey's world before his uncle got released, basically before the madness started.

I changed bob and brad slightly, still stupid, but brad is more charismatic and loud, while bob is timid.

thanks for read, sorry about the power outage

Mark

Hey Mark,

Finally got around to giving your new pilot a read today. Sorry it took me a little while.

There are some nice new additions which help bring the latter episodes more to light – the religious aspect of Peggy being one.

I guess your main reason for going for a new pilot was to give some insight into Mickey’s life before Jimmy comes into play and interrupts it. I think you made a good start with the opening teaser which shows Mickey’s almost childlike attitude with the Spiderman pyjamas not to mention his lack of shall we say physical attributes.

I also liked the that you gave Mickey some independence, he wants to save the pet store without any help which obviously will be tested in coming episodes which brings some more conflict between the two.

Another good aspect was the clear goal set up for Mickey, he needs to make a certain amount of money to pay off the Frankie and get back his pet store. I was a bit surprised that you didn’t actually play out a scene between Peggy and Mickey which explains this which could have been a nice moment between mother and son. I found out but it was through Frankie instead and when we come back to Mickey, he already knows.

The best element of the new pilot has to be the intro of Frankie which was needed to help the rest of the series. We now have an antag – a face and knowledge of what Mickey is up against in this strong and powerful man who had a kinda of “Cape Fear” intro with the tattoos which showed he hated animals. Another great tie-in with the pet store – the antag hates animals.

I thought Jimmy could have had some more to do but maybe that would defeat what you were trying to do here, it was supposed to be about Mickey.

I do think that you should have ended with Mickey and Jimmy meeting like in the teaser in the original pilot – this would have left it on a high note for episode two, especially after Chad had revealed that they hate each other earlier in the episode. Imagine ending it with the two guys face to face angry, it sets up anticipation for the next episode.

My issues with the new pilot would be Sally; I think you need to give her and Mickey some more to do together towards the end… at least a longer conversation rather than Mickey just taking off. Maybe he could ask why she tried to commit suicide which gives us a little back-story on Sally.

Bob and Brad again for me just like episode 3 just wasn’t doing it for me here – It’s good story wise that you’ve tied in about them wanting a job in the pet store which comes into play later but I didn’t find them as funny here for some reason. They almost come off as needing which didn’t go down too well with me – I more thought of them as idiots who didn’t really care about jobs.

I also thought there was some superfluous things happening like the Jews and their arguing (although this story tied-up nicely with the dead beavers) Bob and Brad thinking that they’ve been robbed – was they?  Little things like this weren’t really relevant to overall plot and that means they stuck out to me.

In saying that, these were little nitpicks on what is a really better developed pilot that sets up character (especially Frankie) and a clear goal for the series for our protag. Good stuff.

The writing was a little clumsy at times with lots of missing commas which made for quite a few awkward lines – you know most this stuff though because we’ve talked about it before.

A few little notes to follow:

P.1 "JILLIAN'S EXPRESSION IS ONE OF (DISAPPOINTED.)" Disappointment.

"(POINTING WITH HER HEAD TOWARDS HIS PENIS)" Reads awkward. Why not just "points to his penis" Does it matter if she does it with her head?

P. 2 "Most single men would have Pamela Anderson or Jennifer Aniston staring back at them" Looks like we're back in the 90's. I remember having a Pamela Anderson poster on my wall but that was back in 1993 when Baywatch was on.

"they would also (be still) in college." Awkward - think it should be (still be)

"JILLIAN THOUGHTS" Jillian's thoughts.

P. 3 "You know you could have (giving) me a sign." given.

"ROSARY'S" Rosaries.

P.4 “(your) probably a sweet guy” you’re.

The intro of Peggy reads really awkward, look at getting a period in there somewhere. It has comma splices all over it.

"MICKEY THROWS A BLANKET AROUND HIM." Why didn't he just pull up his pants? Would have been quicker.

A lot awkward sentences in these opening pages, buddy. For example:

"JILLIAN MORTIFIED, HIGH TAILS IT DOWNSTAIRS"

Jillian's mortified. She high tails it downstairs.

Mortified, Jillian high tails it downstairs.

That's just two ways I would have done it but there are plenty of ways to go about it. Some lines just need a little clean up for clarity sake.

P. 5 "EXT. MICKEY RILEY'S (HOUSE) - CONTINUOUS

THE (HOUSE) IS A TYPICAL SMALL SUBURBAN (HOUSE)"

Watch out for repetitive word use and redundancy like here.

"You know she (has) a great ass." I would change to "had" as in she's gone now.

P. 6 "IT IS (A) SMALL STORE"

"PEGGY PICKS HER HEAD UP" I've mentioned this one before on another episode - I just don't care for this description. It makes me imagine Peggy literally picking her head up.

"TO A (PARROTS) CAGE" Should this be parrot? Unless there are more parrots in with Harry?. Also, don't know if you need to give the parrot an age although it did give me a chuckle that you did give it one.

P. 7 There is some criminal exposition in the dialogue here - Mickey's line: "I miss dad, nine years he's gone" I really hope Peggy knew this? Try to be more subtle.

"A HEAVYSET GIRL" I wonder if this will be Sally? If so, I would introduce her now but I'll put this down as preference on my part.

"MICKEY CAUTIOUSLY STOPS TRAFFIC AND PULLS HER OFF THE ROAD." Mickey seemed to pull that heavyset girl off the road rather easily.

P.8 "Just another whack job." Peggy didn't ask Mickey what he just did in the stores room.

“THE (PET SHOP) DOOR OPENS” Try to cut down the redundancy in your action like here which will tighten it and help cut out a few orphans that are spread around.

P.9 “To be honest, I'm not getting any (older)” That’s fantastic news! What’s Peggy’s secret – Olay. I hope you mean “younger”

P.10 “with these (now) big powerful chains opening up” new

P.11 “THE FRONT DOOR FLIES OPEN(S)” Flies open.

Like Brad’s intro – brain of a flea.

P.13 “You seem to (be) missing something.”

P.14 “you can barely take care (off) yourselves” of

P.15 “Michael Susan Riley” Ha! Now I know what your middle name will be from now on, Mr. Mark Susan Moore.

P.16 “we don't (own) the bank any money.” Owe.

P.18 “GUARDS APPROACHE(S) (THE DOOR TO) THE CELL BLOCK.” Approach. And you could get rid of the next part – Guards approach the cell block. In all honesty, you don’t even need “cell block” so it could just be “guards approach, one shouts out”

“THE GUARDS (MARCHES) THROUGH.” March

P.19 “THE WARDEN WAITS TO ONE SIDE.” I’m a bit confused? Was the warden there all the time? Why did the guard tell Jimmy that the warden wants to see him? Couldn’t the warden of just said it himself “I want to see you, Jimmy” Maybe you should intro the warden when they enter the cell block for clarity. I was a bit confused when he started talking because I didn’t know he was there.

P.25 “FRANKIE LETS GO (OFF) HIS GRIP, (AS) JIMMY GASPS FOR AIR.”
Should be of. And watch out for the word “as”. You use it an awful amount in your prose and it does become repetitive while also making some of the action become overwritten.

P.26 “Peggy's a stubborn one and (for) the only reason I haven't killed you in the last nine years” This reads awkward. I think it should maybe be “that’s” instead of “for”?

“well (you're) gonna help me.” Well, you gonna help me?

P.29 “ABSOLUTE DEADPAN STARES FROM THE GUYS.” Yeah, I’m with the guys! I have no idea what Chad was talking about – guessing that’s the point but try not to overdo this aspect of Chad. If I don’t understand what’s being said then I’m likely to get bored – just a thought.

P.30 Maybe I’m more in sync with Bob and Brad because I liked Bob’s line of “Bob is Bob spelled backwards”  

P.33 “their Ipods” iPods

P.37 “THE WARDEN, AN OLD MAN, 70'S, UPTIGHT BUT FRIENDLY.” Was the warden supposed to be in the scene before? It’s just you’ve given him description now instead of earlier. Seems odd.

“(your) are a free man.” You are.

P.39 “(Gave) the store to the Mafia” Give.

P.40 “INT. MICKEY RILEY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

LIVING ROOM”

Not sure if this is part of the sitcom format or not but there is no need for the mini-slug here, could be:

INT. MICKEY RILEY'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

p.41 “MICKEY LOOKS ACROSS THE ROOM, AS A BLOW UP DOLL (SHEEP CALLED MANDY) LAYS IN FRONT OF HIM.”

P.43 “Dam it.” damn.

P.44 Ted should be in (V.O) as he’s on the phone.

P.48 “(He's) believes everything I tell him” He

P.49 “Listen Peggy, (I’m) sure he'll be ok.”

“PEGGY'S HEAD BANGS OFF THE COUNTER.” Huh? What does this mean? Is she literally banging her head on the counter?

“Not a word to Mickey.” I think you need to look at Peggy’s dialogue – she changes from calling him Mickey to Michael and then back again. I think you should just stick to one.

“but don't tell (him) I'm here.”

I think you’ve done a good job, maybe needs a few little tweaks here and there but a sound job overall.

Good work.

Have a good weekend, mate.

Yo Steve

Thanks for the read and awesome feedback as usual.

Quoted from coop I do think that you should have ended with Mickey and Jimmy meeting like in the teaser in the original pilot – this would have left it on a high note for episode two, especially after Chad had revealed that they hate each other earlier in the episode. Imagine ending it with the two guys face to face angry, it sets up anticipation for the next episode.

I guess you didn't scroll down to the tag

I'm glad you enjoyed this episode... My whole objective was to create Mickey's world before Jimmy got released. Then end with the big finale.

Thanks again

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes I guess you didn't scroll down to the tag

Yeah, sorry about that. I kinda finished it when I saw the words FADE OUT and the rest of the page was blank. Oops!

Anyway, it cleared up that issue.

Mark,

I popped thus open and the first thought that came to mind was... Is English your second language?

Lol. Just kidding, but there are quite a few typos and as u mentioned, the formatting for a series has changed a bit. But I really enjoyed this, story wise as well as the characters. I read the one where Jimmy gives Mickey the two new hires in order for him to keep the pet shop.

I like the idea of a pet shop being the business Mickey runs. So many comedic possibilities with the animals and all. The characters each seem to have their own voice, which is hard for some folks to do.

I liked Sally's character alot. Her situation, always trying to kill herself -- a suicide-aholic -- is original. Another character I liked was Chad the bartender. Him being Asian and all, you did not fail to exploit the stereo typical speech patterns when they try and speak English. It's just funny. That's something the Farrelly Brothers would have done, I feel, or Dave Chapelle. Poking some good natured fun at stereo types is not done often enough, an when there's no harm done, why the hell not?

As usual, and I've said this before, you just have a knack for sharp, witty dialogue. I feel it's natural with you.

Anyway, I could actually see this being picked up by a network, seriously. Some if the language is blue, but 2 1/2 Men got away with some raunchy shit. But I feel all the pieces are there for a very funny comedy series.

Just clean this up. Big time. It is Spring, you know.

Steve